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Me: "I'll never be able to do this"
Me: "I suck at coding"
Me: "What am I even looking at"
Me: "Im going to get fired for being incompetent"
Me: "They could have hired a child with more coding prowess"
Supervisor: "Hey, good job. Keep up the good work."
Me: "Pfft of course you're talking to a pro here."13 -
For this episode of practiseSafeHex's most incompetent co-worker were going to move past developers and go straight to a CEO.
*sitcom audience oooooohhhhhhh*
I know! , always risky, everyone has a bad story, but lets try bring it home. Here we go, Most incompetent co-worker, candidate 2, "R".
R was ... now how do I say this ... R was a special kind of Bastard. A perfect blend of impatient, arrogant, a dickhead and to borrow a phrase from family guy "below the line of mental retardation".
I've actually spoken about him recently here: https://devrant.com/rants/1141873/...
I won't bother duplicating the content here, but its worth a read.
Some of the other highlights of R include:
- Not understanding that my first demo was UI / Frontend only (despite frequent explanations). I didn't slack off for the next 2 weeks, I was busy making all those buttons actually do stuff and connect to the server. Shockingly "Test 1", "Test 2" and "Lorem ipsum" wasn't our content.
- He once asked how long a bunch of tasks was going to take, I told him 2 weeks and he gave me 2 and a half days. He pulled me into a meeting the next week to see where it all was, and I literally sat there saying "I asked for 2 weeks" over and over until he shut up.
- R's favourite phrase was "when I was a developer", typically followed by some sort of insult, forever labelling him "asshole" by everyone who has ever worked for him.
- When apple launched iOS 7 and changed the UI and the methods you could use, he refused to invest the time in upgrading to iOS 7, but demanded the app look like an iOS 7 app. No amount of "There is no method to access the status bar in iOS 6" could make him comprehend the issue at hand.
- The worst was when I was dealing with an issue to do with 64bit being introduced (which I tried to explain ... christ give me strength). When another dev fixed a similar but unrelated issue he stood up in front of the office and said loudly "pfft practiseSafeHex tried to tell me this was something to do with 64bit, which made absolutely no sense, guess he doesn't know what he's talking about"
Thankfully I handed in my notice ... after less than 2 months, making in abundantly clear why. Will R make it to the top of the list of most incompetent?
Tune in later for more practiceSafeHex's most incompetent co-worker!!!12 -
Sister comes into my room
"Can you look at moms laptop, it stopped working I'm scared I broke it"
Ask why
"Idk it just stopped working, all I did was install adobe flash player I dont think that could do it could it?"
Top kek
Take a look
"EFI IPV4 0 (error code) failed to boot"
Weird. Enter bios
"Hard drive: [Not detected]"
Well, that's no bueno
Pop open back, hard drive is loose
Pfft, push that fucker back in
Boot -> works
"Mom is going to kill me I broke it im so worried" -> relieved laughter
Adobeflashplayerkilledmyharddrive.jpg
Shook.exe14 -
"You claim you are a developer and don't know what firebase is? Pfft"
Words uttered by one of my classmates flexing on some 4th semester college inmates. I don't know what's more annoying his squeaky voice, the pretentiousness of using headphones as a necklace during class or that I was just like him when I was a freshman (minus the low hanging fruit flexing).
God fucking damn, I'm not even mad at his obnoxious pampered kid semblance, it's the irony of this enlightened fago falling into the god forsaken rat race. Why?
Because he hasn't been magnanimously disappointed by one of the most corrupt systems I've ever been witness of, yeah keep talking about firebase to the teacher who just nods pretending she knows what you are talking about.
I've had this same teacher before and your nice asynchronous ES6 express nosql solution will come last compared to all the WordPress templates she'll approve because they are pretty and all the time you invested, yeah, right into the crapper, seriously it would've been more satisfying to just masturbate everyday until Christmas break. I'm not pissed at him, annoyed by his semblance maybe, but I actually pitty him because the system will take a big shit on his face and he's just smiling.
Damn it, all these careers ruined by lazy ass professors who think leaving a shitload of diagrams as homework counts as teaching. And before any quirky brother interjects with "oh maybe your University is shit", "muh University verry gut u suk", you shut the fuck up! I know my university sucks even tho is "one of the best ones" by the corrupt media's standards, I'm here to vent about issues, real fucking issues happening in real corrupt systems, I'm taking about professors sexually abusing students, not going to classes, no centralized teaching systems, fucking chaos.
I'm happy for you if you feel good about the piece of paper you hang on your wall that certifies you as Bobby the guy who not only learned a shit load about computers, he also bent his ass so far for us and payed us so much money for it, it's funny he thinks himself as smart.
I know, I know, you went to an ivy league college, have a wonderful job and owe some money, good for you, some are not so lucky and I'll make sure those lazy asses who take advantage of the system lose their jobs.
I'm so sick of this shit we call "moodern educashion"
7 -
Retarded person I met today : "JS is gay cos you require strict mode for blah blah blah"
Me (and my webdev friend): pfft...
[Shows our ESLint Styling rules]
him: "o-oh... How the f-"6 -
I'm a responsable grown up! *uses a can of glitter hairspray on hair* much adult. Such wow.
Now I'm leaving behind a trail of fabulous. No regrets.
Pfft and my mum keeps on asking when I'm going to have kids...23 -
Friend: You haven't been programming all day have you? It's been 10 hours.
Me: pfft, I haven't been programming all day, I have a life;3 -
Let's face it: I am and will always be a tinkerer. Yes, I know my ways around, I can sneak into legacy code bases easily and throw new stuff in there, I've seen software stacks. But scarcely sound design, really modular. Even from the cleverer, experienced ones. They can master more complexity, so they can handle more spaghetti. Some essay from the 80's had this grand idea to organically 'grow' software. That's how it looks like most of the times: cancerous, parasitic super fungi (armillaria). Yeah, we all know have to fight bit-rot and entropy, but it was all lost before already. We'll never get rid of legacy protocols, legacy code.
And even when we go green field, start a fresh. Yeah, take a great design, make everything new, after some months of throwing features and outer constraints at the thing, it's the same old mud again.
But we can still dream on: some day I will design great APIs, I will have great test coverage, documentation, UML design, autometed tests, fuzzing, memchecking, I'll work professionally, clean coder style.
Pfft forget it. Maybe change for consulting, because we'll continue to dream of the 'clean' code, so you can sell the next 'recipe', development method. It's like diets. As effective. For the one selling.2 -
Oh look, a notification from LinkedIn, ut should be that job application.
*open LinkedIn*
Say congratulations to sOmEunKnOwN for his...
pfft shut up, like I give a damn cookie3 -
Erlang... variables you can't vary? WTF!
Writing JS two weeks later...
const a =1
const b = a + 1
Why would I ever assign over a? Pfft.
const c = b + 1
...1 -
So the guy who sits next to me in my class uses white theme for his IDE.
Me: So, you use white theme.
Him: Yea, I like it. So much better than darker ones. Don't know why people like it. Does it bothers you too?
Me: Pfft, no!
Me inside:
7 -
My poor colleagues man... Feeling quite bad for them right now. I mean, they must be suffering so badly at the moment.
I mean, who wants to be getting paid to go to Venice anyway? Pfft... Definitely not me. Nope. Not jealous in the slightest. Or China, where the other one currently is.
No no, I am perfectly fine, just chilling, basking even, in the glory of this country town, that I only get to come to 5 days a week. Overall I should be quite grateful for opportunity I suppose. It's not often you get to dodge the "travelling across the planet on an all expenses paid while getting paid to be in one of the most beautiful cities on the planet" bullet. I truly am a fortunate man.
My prayers go out to them, I hope yours do too :'( -
One of top clients, a Designing firm started asking for non-programmer jobs like office templates.
Client sends in .indd and .ai files.
Me: Requests for psd version as I lack tools for .indd and .ai
Cient replied: "I am not used to being asked for png’s to be made when I provided you with an AI file for all logos. I do expect you guys to use a little bit of nouse / imagination and work out that you can create the png yourself from the a.i. file provided. This is something no other programmer asks me to do."
Me: U for real? Why would a developer like me have Adobe Indesign installed in my machine?
pfft.1 -
Seems like there's no perfect balance at work, good at what you're doing? Take that promotion, also now you handle this and that!
Mediocre little shit? uhhh we won't promote him/her but whatever they do something at least.
Man I love my job and my company but fucking hell it seems like people never stop demanding shit from you and when you tell them no they judge you and call you names, like seriously wtf? is there no fucking thing called balance?4
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