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Me: "I'll never be able to do this"
Me: "I suck at coding"
Me: "What am I even looking at"
Me: "Im going to get fired for being incompetent"
Me: "They could have hired a child with more coding prowess"
Supervisor: "Hey, good job. Keep up the good work."
Me: "Pfft of course you're talking to a pro here."15
I am fucking so pissed off that I can't even write this.
So my employer, a name next to Apple and Google, held a party. A motherfucking huge party at a very renowned hotel of the city.
I being an introvert was not fucking interested but went for experience.
Dickheads all around. Ass stinking crowd and extreme frivolous stuff going on.
Fucktards had the courage get on stage and perform like singing dancing and comedy act stereotyping men. What the dog fucking hell???!!!!
And that's when I saw my crush. Damnnnn!!!!
I lost my shit. Period.
I could never fucking expect that from her in my wildest dream.
Problem is not the world. It's fucking me. I am an undiluted asshole.
I am not ashamed to ask for help. I am emotionally unstable and I need support. A shoulder to cry on.
I hate why god created me different. I cannot take this shit anymore.
I am shivering. Managed to reach home. Want to cry. Yes, I am grown up adult but this world isn't for me.
People are stupid. All of them are fucking narcissists. Every single dickhead dog.
Selfies and cheap acts. Wow!!! Is this all you got? Maan take that spoon and dip it in hot chocolate being served and shove up your god dammnnnnn asss.
Let me tell you, I went through a breakup of 2 years of relationship and it was terrible. I had mental issues since then. Nobody cared. The reason was me. I am an asshole. Stinking shit.
I couldn't take it. Fuck me in the arse.
Mother nature works in a mysterious way. I don't know what's happening with me.
I feel good in serving others. I did charity on the way back to feel good. But, People around are narcissists and I feel I am born at wrong time or maybe I should quit.
Unless I am emotionally stable I won't be able to pursue my dream. I will put all my projects on hold. I am angry and full of bad vibes.
I can motivate the crap out of anybody but today is not my day. I am done here.
All I need is a shoulder to cry, a person to hug and a soul who understands and trusts me.
Maybe a good night sleep will cure my heart ache.
I am sorry for everything. I just peace and some alone time for the things are not meant for me and I am not meant for this time.
Good night world. See you all tomorrow ☮
I love devRant community for you are the only people who understand me.43
Yesterday I was downloading illegal movie from the Internet and found this movie under comedy section and thought to download. After downloading I found out that it was a girl-to-girl porn.
Dear Developers and Content editors
Do your fucken job right and link the correct files.
PS: I enjoyed the porn11
Internet bashing, lol
(I don't have this in my Comic app so can't show the whole comic here, just the first slide)
Inspired by "Standup comedy on spreadsheet" created the following in python ft MrRobot 😉. The zoomed in vs the zoomed out pic. Thus screens are just a spreadsheet of rgb colors.. 😃6
I was out Thursday at the Hospital. I'm what the doctors would call "Ill as fuck"
So, Friday I’m back in the office to the usual: "How was that appointment?"
I know people mean well when they ask this. So, I do the polite thing and tell them it went as well as it could.
Realistically it does't matter how well it went... They haven't cured Crohn's because I showed up to the appointment. They know I'm fucked already.
But, push it down, add it to the future aneurism.
I had to go through the usual resignation meetings with managers:
"We"re fucked now you're going"
"we need to get a handle on how fucked"
"already done that for you, here"s a trello board, very fucked."
"we need to put a plan together to drop all the junior devs in the shit with the work you’ve been doing"
"You need about 4 devs, please refer to the previous trello board for your plan"
Meanwhile, me and Morpheus are in constant communication because all of this is like a Shakespearean comedy.
So, I overhear a conversation between a Junior Dev and the Solution Architect.
[SA] took over the project because he knows better than two tried and tested senior devs -_- (fuckwit).
JD: "It took me one and a half days to build it out"
SA: "Yeah, it must have taken me twice as long... It must be a problem with the project, you should just be able to check it out and run it."
JD: "I know, it has to be wrong"
All of this is about Morpheus' work of art, of an Ionic 3 hybrid app.
I fumed quietly at my desk because I've been ordered by the Stazi to be hands off.
Since Morpheus and me were pulled from the project [JD] and [JD2] were dropped into it to get it over the line.
It"s unfortunate and I was clear and honest with my advice to them: I personally would not take over the project because I"d be way out of my depth... Oh, and the App works, so uh, there's no work to do.
They have been constantly at our desks. Asking fuckdiculous questions about how to perform basic tasks. So they can get Morpheus" frigging masterpiece to the user.
It"s like watching that touch up of jesus that got borked by an amateur. Shit I have google, it's like watching this happen: http://ti.me/NnNSAb
[JD] came to me Friday evening.
"I can’t get this to build to iOS or install on [Test Analyst]'s phone."
Me: "No worries brother, where are you stuck right now?"
[JD] describes the first steps with clear indication he hasn't googled his problem.
Life lesson: http://lmgtfy.com/?q=lmgtfy
Que an hour of me showing [JD] how to build an Ion3 project for iOS. Fuck it, your man's in a bind and he"s asked politely for help. I can show him quicker than he can read 3 sets of docos.
I took him through 'ionic cordova build ios', the archive and release processes in XCode 9, then the apk bundling process for droid. Finally we have an MAM so the upload process for that too.
All the while cleaning up his AppIDs, Profiles, deployment attempts.
Damn they were a mess.
I did this with a smile on my face, not because I could say "I told you so"... But. because when any developer asks you how to do something. If you know how to do it, you should always be happy to learn them some new tricks!
Dude's alright, he's been dropped in the shit. Now I know how badly so I'll help him learn things that are useful to his role, but aren't project specific.
As a plausi-senior dev (I'll tell you about that later); it's my job to make sure my team have what they need to go home smiling!
I’m not a hateful fucker, the guy asked me an honest question so I am happy to give him the honest answer.
I took him through it a few times and explained a few best practices. Most were how to do his AppID and ProvProfile set up. Good lad, took it all on board.
However! In his frustration, he pointed the finger at Morpheus' "David" (ref: Michelangelo).
He miraculously morphed into a shiny colourful parrot and fed me SA's line:
"you should just be able to build from a clean clone"
My response was calm and clear:
"You can, it took me 20 minutes on Thursday evening. I was bored and curios, so I wanted to validate Morpheus' work. Here it is on my iOS device and my Android device. It would have taken me 5 if my laptop wasn’t so horrifically out of date."
I validated Morpheus' work so I have evidence, I trust that brilliant bastard.
I just need to be able to prove it's good.
[JD] took this on board.
Maybe listening to two tried and trusted senior devs is better than listening to a headstrong Solution Architect.
When JD left for the weekend I was working a late one (https://www.devrant.io/rants/874765).
His sign off was beautiful.
"I think I can happily admit defeat on this one, it can wait until Monday."
To which I replied: "no worries brother, if you need a hand give me a shout."
Rule 1: Don't be a cunt.
Rule 2: If someone needs help and you can give it: Give it!
Rule 3: Don't interrupt James' cigarette time.
Rule 4: goto Rule 3.4
Something I refer to as the "Lost Cause Syndrome".
Basically you start working on a project enthusiastically with the resolution to write the best possible code. But either one (or some or all) of management, client and colleagues succeed in transforming the project into a comedy (or tragedy, depending on your outlook) of errors.
Then finally, one day you decide that the project is a lost cause and stop caring about it. You end up in a "Let's get this over with and get out of here" type of mindset without making any efforts to improve the situation.3
So, today's comedy job story (and how depressive things become), and it's only 9:30.
Stressed PM assaults me at 8 to tell me what I have to do, standing next to me and dictacting stuff she wants done. Hate that.
As I went to a colleague to help her out with these fucking presentations (she "couldn't open them"), as I just arrived to her office my phone rings.
It's my PM. I'm 20m away, she calls me. Ok.
PM: "Hey Phlisg, erm, we are stuck in a conference room, can you come and open the door?"
Me: "Erm, the door has no handle, can't help"
PM: "Can you call the "housekeeper"?"
Me: "Sure" (why the hell doesn't she have his number...)
I go downstairs, go towards the conference room, and before the door there is the reception office. I ask the colleagues in there if the "housekeeper" is here, but they instead produced the handle from their drawers, and went to the door to open it.
At the same time, a person locked inside the conference room went through the window to go round and try to open the door.
Door successfully opened by colleague with handle.
You have a problem? One reflex: call Phlisg. She might call me at 2 am in the morning because she cannot sleep or something.
Someone should really keep all the funniest rants and do a standup comedy. I laugh here more than watching a comedian on comedy central.4
The ones who use it, what do you like or value about Linux? Why do you use it?
Before I answer, let me say that I am a noob compared to the rest of this community. I run Ubuntu because Arch was too complicated when I tried and bash scripts equal to frustrations for me. That's my knowledge level.
- I don't feel "observed" when using a Linux distro compared to Windows and macOS.
- Feel more connected to the open source thought and the free spirit.
- Feel like I can do anything I want. Learning new programming languages easily, trying out web servers, try and setup own website or mail server etc.
- Everything is accessible. Read something cool about docker? ALT+T to open a terminal and start up a docker container to try out.
- No Internet browsing for software, like googling "Firefox download english".
- Sometimes forces me to learn about the workings of a computer, like networks, servers, routing, firewalls, bootup sequence etc.
- So many great command line tools. Want to find out quickly who owns a website? Want to query a specific DNS server? All possible within 5 seconds!
All in all using Linux feels like watching a documentary while using Windows is more like watching a dumb comedy show where I can turn my brain off, but get more stupid after a while.6
Her: How do you make an app?
Me: Well, first you have to decide what language you want to use as the basis for coding it, or what system you want to start on ex: ios/Android
The Halt and Catch Fire writers and tech experts must have lived those days. Totally nailed it to the finest detail. I am impressed. Show me a 10mg (how will I ever fill it up) Bernoulli platter 😀
Great series but warning it is not a comedy like Silicon. Very different but amazing how some things are same as today in concept.7
TV Show 'Loaded' premieres tonight. Four friends sell their app to a big company. Comedy tonight at 10 p.m. Eastern time. Probably not in the league of Silicon but might be worth a look.1
So I went to take a look at Mozilla's "privacy not included" guide.
That's some good comedy right there, fucking rubber ducks that spy on you.
Jesus fucking christ
I just remembered... when I first read this guess who I was thinking off?
Grandmas Boy! An epic gamer movie. A must watch comedy.
Have you seen it?
What is your favourite scene?3
Oookayy, to continue from my previous rant, I kinda feel like living inside a slapstick comedy for the last 2 days, not the good ones at that, the ones that left you with vexation, so to summarise I'll just put the amusing conversations from the "team" for the last 2 days
On a side note, the team consist of 16 people divided into 2 squads, I'm still moving back and forth between the 2, and most of the time I just keep my silence,
*roll the intro,
- PO = product owner
- SM = scrum master
- D = dev
#1, "sloth, procrastination and ignorance"
*a dev came by to ask for some question
D: uhh, can you help me with this?
Me: sure what is it?
D: I want to be able to do this, so that it can be like bla blah blah
Me: ok, let me see, maybe you can do like (give a crude example on my laptop), there, let's try it, aand, it seems to be working, there you go, something like that
D: ahh I see, ok,
Me: well, ok
D: can't you commit the change and push it?
*seriously? It's just a crude example for you to follow, not a final answer
Me: uhh, it needs some cleanup, but you do get how it goes right?
D: I do but... the code is there so I don't see why we shouldn't use it
*because you need to fucking learn how to write it yourself
Me: and like I said, the logic could be better, here, you can peek and retype it (sheesh, like teaching a middle schooler)
#2, "Don't you have anything better to do?"
*in a morning "meeting"
SM: okay, good morning everyone (it's 10 AM), there is something I would like to discuss, first is our attendance, based on the company policy, our attendance should be 8-5, and I see some still arrive at 9 and some at 10, So I want to propose that we all committed to come earlier, say, like at 8:30
SM: because there are instances when someone needed something, some people are unavailable,
*fucking illogical, it's your lengthy meeting that needs to be fixed, this one later goes on for 2 hours just to discuss about attendance time
*insert intense discussion for an hour
SM: so we agreed for everyone to arrive at 9, and to enforce everyone to be more committed, I want to put a penalty in place
D,PO: what kind of penalty?
SM: we already have a pool for our "snack money" right, let's put the penalty there, and the amount cannot be just any amount, it should be an amount that leaves an impression, otherwise if it's just a measly sum, some guys would prefer to pay the penalties and coming late
D,PO: well, how much is it?
SM: let's say it's enough to cost you 2 days worth of food, we'll discuss the exact amount later, but it's something around that
D,PO: whoa" wait, seriously?
SM: yes, seriously
*everyone went into chaos for the next 1 hour, and in the end the penalty thing is postponed for the future
*but more importantly, for fuck's sake, 2 hours for a meaningless conversation? And there's nothing gained on top of all that? If this is the way you guys work, I'm starting to question your capability as a human being
#3 "Otsukare sama, but not to you, yes you, fuck you"
*much later at the beginning of sprint retro
PO: okay, first up I wanna appreciate all your hard work, word from the management is that they didn't expect for us to be able to finish our features so fast, for that I would like to give my appreciation to you all
PO: I want to say thanks to dev#1, dev#2, for making it possible, all the tester, ehh, but you (referring to me), you haven't done anything yet, so yours will come later
*what the fuck is that supposed to mean? I just nod and smiled
SM: ah, also one thing, the testers asks for a front end dev for our squad so here he is (referring to me), we finally have an FE dev, and a senior one at that (I have no idea, and never referred to myself as senior), and you, because you are considered as a senior, naturaly we've set a high expectation for you
Me: (smiled) eeh, I'll do my best (to get out of this ASAP)
*it's just been 4 days and you guys already prepared to shift the blame to me, neat,
#4, "The thing that was never discussed"
*in the middle of sprint retro
All: blah blah (talking about future sprint plan)
*fuck is this? retro or sprint planning?
D: uhh, I wanna ask something
SM: ok shoot,
D: next sprint we're gonna do feature X right? Looking back at what we did with feature Y, can we...
SM: we cannot talk about Y, we are currently discussing about X
SM: as I said, no talking about unrelated stuff, our discussion must not stray, we are discussing X
D: o..kay? Let's say, that we implement the same method as the one in...
SM: which feature are you referring to?
D: implementation of Y
SM: why are you still talking about Y? We are discussing about X, we must not stray from our current discussion got it?
D: umm, okay?
SM: good, let's continue with our matter, bla bla (ignoring previous discussion)
*what the fuck?
*roll end credits
It's 3 years old but for any of you who hasn't seen "The Expert"..
Still the closest thing resembling my corporate life 🤣3
Light Ide:- GRHH!! M hurt! M hurt! My life is nothing...M a noob...
Dark ide:- woaahh!! Pleasant! M a pro coder4
While having dinner at my desk, I was watching a comedy video on YouTube. After the video finished, it went to another one in the que. Next thing I noticed that I ended up in "Penis Enlargement" video.
Why is YouTube so rude maybe because I use adblocker.1
Want an app to sell to investors?
All aboard the hype train.
Block chain.... Check
Machine learning...... Check
Got half my college calling me "Pennywise" cause I work at the "IT" department. Thanks Saturday Night Live!
How should I put this... I have REALLY enjoyed help desk job more than anything thus far.
I've seen people posting about how dumb clients may be, and I know there's also those cases, but ultimately those are usually just good inspiration to comedy.
So here's the background: I was working in growing website development company (marketing called it digi-office for some reason). The clients were firms ranging from local bakeries to international suppliers.
The intriguing thing with working in help desk was usually smaller tasks and direct customer contact through e-mail. I got feedback (which always important) and the rush of good feeling at the end of every task; faster and more frequent than working on a year project. But the cherry on the cake is that I got to investigate problems within each websites' and the CMS's code base, fix them or point out bigger flaws in systems and blame others from them. 😂
How your help desk experience differ? Or do you also recognize the good side?1
Everyday standup is like a boring comedy movie...it is 2 hours long and you enjoy it everyday thanks to some interesting characters in the movie(standup)😂
And I am in the standup and ranting about it!!!1
am i the only one who likes quoting Blazing Saddles in git commits?
most recent being adding mongo to a project.
Friend of mine during workshops yesterday:
F: "Shit, my copying is broken (ctrl c shortcut)"
Me: "stack overflow down and/or broken copy/paste - worst nightmare"
F: "oh it works again... For a moment there i was afraid im gonna loose my job..."
* I guess the comedy of situation doesn't translate well to rant, but still, it was funny *
I watched an episode of Brooklyn 99. Cop comedy show for those of you who don't know. They introduced me to the monty hall problem? My brain refuses to understand it and im rapidly losing my mind.
Has anyone here ever written a program that tests it? I can't read math theorems for shit. But I can read code. And I need my sanity back.2
Somewhat dev related (behavioral interview)? Just thought it was funny.
1. Pop breth mints to cover the smell of Jack in my coffee.
2. Headphones + NPR because my cube farm is loud AF and the owners idiot son sits right next to me watching YouTube comedy all day.
3. Check calander and commit log while VS loads our 100 project solution.
4. Get cracking
I had registered for Machine Learning course in my university. It's a new course offered after looking at the subjects usage in industry.
The professor handling it ,have completely no idea ,and experience on ML., So yeah
His 1hour lecture is complete stand up comedy show for the students.
So, today he comes and says "ML is based on Probability", and explains probability, like for 8th grade students.
He put this question on the board, telling that ML revolves around concept requirements to solve this question.
Probability of getting sum of 7 or 11 when a pair of die is thrown?
Guess what, he tried to solve the question and got wrong answer.
I was highly interested in the course,since my project required it and thought it provide me great fundamentals, it's been 3 weeks I regret for opting it.😥
Sooo I was working on an RPG game and I need some idea for the story. Should I make a kind of comedy game?3
Old but gold. The Expert sketch A.K.A. how it feels to be a developer during a project meeting. https://youtube.com/watch/...
For some reason, out of no where, I made this word up. It's called Moop, and it's definition is paradoxical. It means "everything and nothing, anywhere and nowhere, etc". So one day at work one of my coworkers pushed his untested commit to the master branch of our 25k project. To make matters worse, he deleted all other branches and previous versions of the project. Our project manager heard about it and became so angry that he almost broke our no-curse-word-policy. So he called is all together to get around it so he could properly vent.
Project manager: "Guys I'm extremely angry at James (the one who pushed the untested source code to our commercial project, ruining it)
Me: well, I have a word that we can use
Project manager: what is it?
You can guess what the next few weeks at work was like. All of my coworkers had to fix the crap James made, including myself. So the conversations went like this: "The mooperfluffer James should have never mooped with us!", "MOOP YOU JAMES, I HOPE YOU HET MOOPED TO HELL YOU MOOPUP!!!!!", "Hey James, guess what! I hope you moop yourself". Our boss became a strong moop user and spray moop all over James workstation. We put moop in his cup, his laptop keyboard, even his thumb drive. We downloaded moop.exe to his PC so we could moop his kernel.
Today James' life is officially mooped.4
WATCH NOW THANK LATER. (It’s rubber duck related)
Sorry about the Facebook video4