They see me coding,
They hating,
Reviewing and tryna catch me writing dirty.

How me and my dev friend look at code snippets we wrote just a year ago

Client: Here is a project we've been working on. Could you review and make it work? -Thanks.

Me:

Refactoring code of somebody who left and:

- Plagued the code with TYPOS (milions of them but ok I can live with those... to a certain point)
- Used global variables by default.... of course even where they're not needed
- Used comments only in parts of code where... well they're not needed, important ones are of course left out
- Did not indent code. 3..2..1... Did not FUCKING indent code properly and when he did... did WRONG!
- Instead of indentation he used commented line with multiple ==== signes.... so far top is 60 consecutive lines with olny ==== again no apparent pattern here
- Did not follow a fucking standard in variable naming... no camle casing... there are varaibles assigned multiple times to "temp" variables without no reason just for the sake of wasting resources on the system I guess

This is just the beginning of the review but I already want to change job, die, scream, cry... not in any specific order.

Code Review :( :(

Actually happened on a code review:

Tech lead: "Why did you remove this code?"
Dev: "Why did you wrote this code?"

Thats Why JAVA programmer's are Single.... :)

Life lesson #32767: Don't review code commits before your first cup of coffee.

Found this gem in code review today:
$stringValue = (string)-5;

My team keeps sending this to me.

When asked to participate in codereview on PHP project

Dev: "I've pushed some code. Give it a code review."
Me: "ok, i'll do it"
<<fast forward>>
Me: "Sounds good to me. Only thing, I wouldn't have gone for all those renames because that was not part of the request, maybe we can discuss ...."
Dev: "I like those names and besides, it's already deployed in production"
Me: " :| .... what's the purpose of a code review when you push straight into production ?

Unit of code is measured in what the fu**s/minute !!! 😆

Ticket waiting for code review for days. I have to rename methods.

Tickets goes again to code review. Waiting there again for days. Oops! there is something the code reviewer didn't see before!

Ticket goes to code review again, waiting for days there.

Boss comes to me telling it takes me too long to close tickets.

The level of profanity-per-commit-message is high with this one.

this really happened:
Interface Team Lead: "hey I want any time deployments and better QA"

Me: "ok sure. I have CI/CD, but yiu need to work in feature branches / tags, and make sure your code passes automated builds and unit tests"

Team Lead: "I dont have time to test it makes me unproductive! and creating a branch is an extra step which is going to set me back. Im telling the boss you are impacting performance!"

Me: "you want better deployments and QA, but you can even create a branch or tes your work?"

Team Lead: "We have deadlines!"

"Don't use 'unless' in your code, it's confusing. Use 'if not' instead"

Seriously?

What if the reviewer gives you bad reviews that lead to bad code, and you can't defend because he couldn't understand the shit you're talking about?

I submitted my code for review yesterday. Got a reply this morning about this particular code:
result.getString("name").
He's asking me to "create a generic method instead that will accept a key and return a value".
i want to flip my table now.

When the code reviewers ask for waYyYyY too much testing information and you end up doing all the QE heavy-lifting.....

Does code review plays a big role when developing? Although it takes time? and also what's the average time when doing it?

I'm halfway through reviewing the code for that one dev on the team who should know better but still ignores every standard we set. It's going to be a rough code review... for him

SeniorDev(in code review): Yeah, I know this is wrong but I will look into it later
Me: Can you please mention the ticket you have created to look into it later
[JuniorDev gives me a high five for sticking to our coding principles. No sweeping under the rug! Felt awesome.]

When someone sends me a code to check, I think that's how it looks on his side ...

This ad remembers me 'that time you open a pull request review page... '