Shit just got real

If you hold a Unix shell up to your ear you can hear the C.

Ooooooh I just skip a heart attack and shit myself at the same time, thank god for error "can not delete database, database is in use"

1. Buy boxes of orange juice, almost past their expiry date.
2. Put boxes on the hot office windowsill for a few weeks.
3. Cool down juice in fridge.
4. "Hey dear coworker, would you like a refreshing juice box on this hot spring day?"
5. Watch coworker retch and vomit, spitting blue-grayish juice over his desk, crying: "Why would you give me old moldy juice without checking the date?"
6. "Do you remember when you told me you didn't have time for unit tests? THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS, DAVE, THIS IS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENS WHEN YOU DEPLOY UNTESTED CODE.... NOW FINISH YOUR JUICE!"

"I was wondering why Monitors sleep and Keyboards don't.

Then it occurred to me that Keyboards have two SHIFTS. 😆😆" -some guy

I JUST WROTE A 2000 CHARACTER RANT AND THE DEVRANT APP CRASHED

>:((((( ANGERY

When a hiring manager wants 5+ years experience in Swift.

Swift release date = June 2, 2014

😂👍🖕

Interviewing a junior dev.
> Make this function return false.
> junior: deleted all code in function replaces it with return false;

Literally no words.........

*me coding in Atom in world history class*
*Teacher walks over*
Teacher: Are you on task?
Me: I'm taking notes.
Teacher: It doesn't look like it.
Me: I set a dark theme for Microsoft Word.
*Teacher walks away*

Just found the best dev ever.

https://alcohollick.com/tfw.html

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Phone rings
Uh oh
Answers the phone
Its my boss
>the latest tool you made isnt working
Um... Yes it is?
>we cant run it because its a jar file
Um..
>how to you run a jar file?
Um... You click on it?
>it doesnt work, nothing shows up
(Maybe if you fucking read my documentation, you would see that it just generates the files you need)
>there are no files
Yes there are we tested on every possible hardware, theres no way to fuck it up
>there are no files
Okay maybe you just dont see them on your desktop, move the jar to an empty folder
>how do i do that

*hangs up*

Me: I’ve been in the web since 2006, of course i know html,css,javascript.
Also me: Google how to center a div.

*swats a fly at work*
"heh, debugging."
*audible sigh*

This may be limited to Germany:

Apparently you can get free vouchers (from 2 to 5 euros in value) on the website "pizza.de".

There is a lottery kind of game right now on this URL: https://pizza.de/casino/

If you just open the developer console and run "win()", you "win" the game and can enter your phone number to get your voucher 🤔

What idiot programmed this?
What idiot reviewed this?
What idiot put this live?

You know, exiting Skype is even harder than exiting Vim

For those of you who are having interviews ... remember this

Management: "We have a Team Building session next week"
Colleague A: "Paintballing"
Colleague B: "Go-Karting"
On the day: "Welcome. Today we will be playing an IT Helpdesk Role Playing Game"

Kill me.

I think CS education is getting weaker and weaker every year.
Since they released CS GO, CS seems to be overtaken by little cry kiddies who put out insults like an AK on speed.
I wish CS education was like when CS 1.6 came out.
Those were great years to learn gungames on The Simpsons maps and you were actually able to land headshots by skill and not just utter luck.

When you don't have money to pay a designer so you decide to do it by yourself.

It's my first try...

No. More. Writing. Code. On. A. Fucking. Piece. Of. Paper.

 (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

Elon Musk: Space junk is a serious issue
Also Elon Musk: I put a Tesla into orbit lol

Love this guy

*Builds a web component for a client website*

CLIENT: I don't like it, can I have it a tiny bit over to the right more

ME: Taps the arrow key a few times making it look like I'm doing something.(Which actually does nothing)

Client: 👌Perfect

😂😂😂 Wut 😂😂😂

try {
❤
} catch(e) {
🍺
}

My classmates are such hypocrites. They pretend to be programmers, but they can't fool me.

"Oh sorry. I can't show you the result of my html code. I have to compile it first, but there's no WiFi."

There's so many things wrong with that.

I fucked up hard for the first time yesterday at work.

Came in and expected a huge speech from the bossman.

He called me to his office:

Explained me where I went wrong and what I should do next time with a big smile on his face!

Girl: "hey"

My Brain:
java.lang.NullPointerException:
at net.brain.functions.Talk.retrieveSpeech(Talk.java:2978)
at net.brain.functions.Talk.createFlirtyResponse(Talk.java:3132)

Me: null

*Girl walks away*

Careful when pushing to master

practiseSafeHex’s most incompetent co-worker follow up: Candidate 1, “T”.

(For those wondering WTF I’m talking about: https://devrant.com/rants/1148190/...)

Forgot to mention something that happened with T that I find hilarious. T had a pretty profound effect on the company / team. It was a small startup, CEO + 4 of us, so we were all kinda close.

The day T was fired we decided this was too big of a moment to forget, so we created T_____ day, and to this day despite all working in different places we still meet up for drinks on October 24th to celebrate getting rid of that nut bag.

Best quotes from IT teacher:

- "C# is a language to program your IDE."
- "C# is a language for beginners, and is not really used in production."
- "We won't use Python to learn programming, because Python is a very old, slow and useless language, and is not really used anymore."
- "Yeah, your algorithm is fantastic, but you wrote 'The answer is: ' instead of 'Answer: ', so it's just a B."
- One of my classmates was bored and opened Notepad++, and when the teacher saw it, she said "I have been teaching programming for years, but I've never seen this program, what do you use it for?"

I feel so lucky that I have started learning programming years before at home, I just couldn't start if I had to learn this way.