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Joined devRant on 10/13/2016
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Hold your keyboard! Hold your mouse!
Sons of Java, of Python, my brothers,
I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me.
A day may come when the sense of programming language fails,
when we forsake our logic
and break all the laws of programming,
but it is not this day.
An hour of headache and shattered monitors,
when the age of Javascript rises,
but it is not this day!
This day we will find solutions on StackOverflow!!
By all that you hold dear on this good code,
I bid you stand,
Developers!!!8 -
“Fullstack dev morphs into a security expert”
We have a simple user registration system. Get the user details, generate an OTP, save in Oracle, email the OTP. The SMTP host is configured to send emails only to people who have an existing @a_very_famous_bank.com email address.
As a part of an enhancement request, the other day, we were trying to register a non-bank email address. As expected, it failed.
Manager: Meeting... meeting... meeting
Me: (Explained the problem)
Fullstack dev: so the thing is.. it’s like.. (doesn’t falter to open with these lines)...what I can do is...I can send you an HTTP security header in the HTTP request. It’ll work!
Me: (I hope an adult giraffe fucks you in your belly button)
More to come!3 -
“Fullstack dev continues to unleash his terror.”
We were in a meeting the other day discussing how we can integrate our React component with other existing systems easily — other React apps, Ionic, Angular, Vue and vanilla HTML.
All of a sudden, he opens his mouth.
Fullstack dev: So the thing is... it’s like...ummm... (he always starts after with these words. Always) since Ionic and Vue are both “angular-based”. It shouldn’t be a problem.
Me: excuse me! What do you mean vue is “angular-based”? What’s vue gotta do with angular?
Fullstack dev: You need angular installed to run vue apps and you have data binding in vue and in angular.
Me: (fuck me dead) I don’t know what that means, but I know what the Rock is cookin’. (My exact words in the meeting)
They flew him in from India and they keep extending his stay. He’s been working on the project for 2+ years now.
More to come!26 -
“Overhearing powers of the Fullstack dev”
We have an internal control panel (BEEP) to manage our dev Tomcat instances. The other day, with one of my muggle friend, I was trying to restart an instance. There’s a checkbox to clean the host tmp files and directories, ingeniously named as - Purge cache.
Innocent Me (to my muggle friend): bro would Purge cache delete the application log files?
__(Fullstack dev overhearing us)__
Muggle friend: Purge ca... (gets interrupted my the Fullstack dev)
Fullstack dev: so the thing is ... it’s like ... (gotta be consistent with the opening) what “npm purge” does is it deletes the files which are not being used.
Confused Muggle friend: bro it’s a BEEP option to clean the tmp dirs.
Fullstack dev: oh I thought you guys were talking about “npm purge”
Angry muggle friend: then WHY THE FUCK did you answer if you didn’t know [...] the fuck we were talking about.
Calm fullstack dev: FYI. Might help you someday.
Deeply-hurt Me: (what the fuck is “npm purge”). Hey man do you mean “npm prune”? Because they don’t have an npm purge. And what do you mean by “it deletes the files which are not being used”?
Confident Fullstack dev: NO
Me: (cries in npm)
More to come!3 -
“Fullstack dev continues to be consistent”
We’d an enhancement request where we needed to support Ionic apps. Our manager didn’t know anything about Ionic so she asks us what it was instead of asking Google.
Manager: so what’s this Ionic thingy?
Me: Ionic issss.... (gets interrupted by Fullstack dev)
Fullstack dev: so the thing is ... it’s like... (consistent with his opening lines as always) it’s a third party plugin which converts react app and html pages to native code.
Me: (thinking of sacrificing him at the altar of Lucifer)
Manager: Nice!
More to come.18 -
Fullstack dev: Hey I need your help with one of this method in the service layer (We use Java).
Me: Sure. What’s up!
Fullstack dev: When you get a user ....blah blah blah...
Me (typing code):
if (user != null) { ... }
Fullstack dev: Wait! This won’t work. You need to write this:
if (null != user) { ... }
In Java, you write like this. In JS it’ll work, not in Java.
Me: (also fuck this guy)
He’s among the famous devs in the company - (A very very very famous European bank).
I checked his commits for the frontend (React Native)
switch (some_expr) {
case foo:
return stuff()
break // <— note this
case bar:
return moreStuff()
break // <— note this
// more cases here with break after return statements
}
Me: Hey if you’re returning from a case why are you using a break. It’s dead code.
Fullstack dev: It’ll fall through otherwise.
———————
You’re a fucking dunce! Please drink a litre of Carborane in a rusty HIV infested container! Cheers!
PS More to come!33 -
Me : The website renewal bill is up and it will due in 30 days
Client : Sleep
Me : 14 days
Client : Sleep
Me : 7 days
Client : Sleep
Me : Last notice, it'll be dead tommorow if we dont pay today
Client : Sleep
*website dies*
Me : F
Client the day after suspension : Hey, we can't access the site.
Me : Play dead
***
I think i should say "email service will die if you don't pay the renewal bill" instead
based on how quick they react when shit stopped working8 -
Modern web development is fucked. Just absolutely, totally screwed up.
I want to create a simple to do list web app. Look for a tutorial: "OK guys, this is really easy, it just takes five minutes."
First step, install these:
- Git
- NPM
- NodeJS
- Express
- MongoDB
- Docker
- React
Second step, npm install about one million modules. Don't question what they do or why they're there.
Before you know it, six hours have passed and you've got a code base of 3GB and you haven't even _started_ on your app.
FUCK that shit! I can create this web app with Internet Explorer and Notepad.49 -
Stop talking trash about developer tools!
Vim is FAST
Visual Studio is RESPONSIVE
Eclipse is EFFICIENT
IntelliJ IDEA is PERFORMANT
Android Studio
Xcode is POWERFUL26 -
A fresh graduate software engineer applied to the company and passed the coding exam.
Manager: Wow you got a very high score. Good job.
Applicant: Thank you sir. So am I hired?
Manager: Yes of course. You will be the team lead for one of the project.
Applicant: Wait wut????8 -
My girlfriend doesn't talk to me anymore after I said I helped the new girl to do some penetration testing.27
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"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
- DoS Attack20