Me right now 😴

When you have two screens and you need to read both for cross references.

Something helpful if you've just started learning programming it'll help you understand most popular programming languages why it's used and how much you can expect as a payment.

https://i.imgur.com/MD1JweO.png

If you somehow managed to install Mac OS on a raspberry Pi, does that make it an Apple Pi?

I'm sorry, I'll leave now...

devDuck holiday promotion! For every duck you order from now until the end of the year, we'll include a free adorable Santa hat to help keep your debugging in the holiday spirit! Order now from our swag store: https://swag.devrant.com/collection...

Give that man some HUGE FUCKING COOKIES!

1: Get a dog
2: Name dog Sudo
3: Teach Sudo to fetch my mail
4: Invite Linux-friend over
5: Yell "sudo fetchmail"
6: ?
7: Profit

Defragmentation

[via https://twitter.com/jeremiahtolbert...]

I hired a woman for senior quality assurance two weeks ago. Impressive resume, great interview, but I was met with some pseudo-sexist puzzled looks in the dev team.

Meeting today. Boss: "Why is the database cluster not working properly?"

Team devs: "We've tried diagnosing the problem, but we can't really find it. It keeps being under high load."

New QA: "It might have something to do with the way you developers write queries".

She pulls up a bunch of code examples with dozens of joins and orderings on unindexed columns, explains that you shouldn't call queries from within looping constructs, that it's smart to limit the data with constraints and aggregations, hints at where to actually place indexes, how not to drag the whole DB to the frontend and process it in VueJS, etc...

New QA: "I've already put the tasks for refactoring the queries in Asana"

I'm grinning, because finally... finally I'm not alone in my crusade anymore.

Boss: "Yeah but that's just that code quality nonsense Bittersweet always keeps nagging about. Why is the database not working? Can't we just add more thingies to the cluster? That would be easier than rewriting the code, right?"

Dev team: "Yes... yes. We could try a few more of these aws rds db.m4.10xlarge thingies. That will solve it."

QA looks pissed off, stands up: "No. These queries... they touch the database in so many places, and so violently, that it has to go to therapy. That's why it's down. It just can't take the abuse anymore. You could add more little brothers and sisters to the equation, but damn that would be cruel right? Not to mention that therapy isn't exactly cheap!"

Dev team looks annoyed at me. My boss looks even more annoyed at me. "You hired this one?"

I keep grinning, and I nod.

"I might have offered her a permanent contract"

Visited my parents again today!

Arrived home.

Suddenly my sister starts to talk about the new dutch mass surveillance law and how it's all bad and the possible consequences.

😶😐😮

Normally I'm the one who says that and is told to shut up after a while.

I'm a proud brother!

Just want to recommend the DevRant stress ball. I wasn't quite sure how to use it (it doesn't come with instructions) but since stuffing mine down the PM's throat my stress level has reduced dramatically.

Who is capable of?

My brother and I were checking out this new restaurant that had opened up recently. As we enter,

I inadvertently blurt out, "Hey! This place has a nice UI!"

Brother - "Wut?"

Me - "Ambience, I meant ambience."

I see where Google is going with women techmakers program

Asks Cortana to tell a joke, and Cortana opens Bing. Made my day, well played Cortana

My friend said this,

Roses are red,
The screen turned blue,
I'm not a programmer,
What the fuck do I do.

-Laughed at Gitlab the other day
-Accidentally dropped my db today.

fuck karma

Most people.
"Dance like no one is looking"

Me.
"Sudo like you have backups"

My girlfriend doesn't talk to me anymore after I said I helped the new girl to do some penetration testing.

*Me and my GF who works for CIA*

Me: Send nudes
GF: Whose do you want ?

"Please disable AdBlock to view the content."

No. I'll just leave. Bye.

USB sounds like a backup in case the USA fails

"So, why do you want to work at our office in mexico?"
"I want to be a señor developer."

Have you ever wondered we programmers have so many strong communities.... Stackoverflow, devRant, Reditt, etc...
No other profession has such communities... Why? Why?
Because, we haven't built one for them.... 😂😁

Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.

Typical paranoia's when developing a website
- what if the user has JS turned off ?
- what if he is using the site without a monitor ?
- what if the user's electricity is off ?
- what if there's no user ?

My 6 year old has been learning about trees at school, and had questions for me. Needless to say, she now has the best understanding of data structures in her class, and I expect parents evening will be "interesting"

Oh yes the timing is impeccable

When your vending machine throws an unhandled exception...

So this happened in my computer science class

Creepy guy trying to be cheesy (to this pretty girl): "you're like a ; to my code"
Girl: "we're studying python, bimbo"

(Whole class laughed)