When valgrind (C Memory allocation error detection tool) aborts due to a memory allocation error...

A while ago I was agressively interrupted by a colleague while chatting to another (more sane) colleague as he overheard us merely discussing using message queues to solve some issues we were facing. I was told these decisions were not up to me and had to be "lifted to a higher level and discussed amongst the entire team".

8 months later we all receive an email where the same guy proposes the exact same solution to solve our issues.

Dev lead on another team: Ok we can build that API for the mobile apps, we'll generate everything, generate printable images for the labels, persist it all and do all the relevant lookups and checks. Do you need an SLA?

Director: Yes, 9ms

*silence*

Lead: Sorry .... 9ms?

Director: yeah, its a must have

Lead: ... the speed of light wouldn't even let us transmit it that fast

Uber Driver: What do you do, Sir?
Me: I'm an Engineer. What about you?
Uber Driver: I'm a Uber Driver.
Me: :/

I'm working in a complex CMake/C++14 project.
Many libraries uses EASTL as STL replacement, works and compiles flawlessly.
Have to use Qt5 for an application which uses the libraries.
The EASTL Library fucking collapses
Compile fails, 1k of syntax errors somehow.
After hours trying to figure out without alterating the EASTL library (i don't want to maintain custom versions of 3rd party libraries, an complete burden to maintaining updated)
Remove all reference of Qt5 from the code and the build system.
It fucking compiles.
Isolate an minimal build which only uses CMake, EASTL and Hello World in Qt5.
1k of syntax errors again.
Spend hours trying to fix it, no avail, still fucking 1k syntax errors.
I'm past beyond of the project development where ALL the big libraries of the project uses EASTL extensively.
One day C++ will drive me into the depths of madness.

Wow, just wow.

The Dutch national security spy agency and also their military one are complaining that the organisation that was brought to life to check if they don't spy on innocent people (and execute illegal hacks and overstep their surveillance powers etc) is investigating too much and asking too many technical questions relating to ongoing operations.

Well, this shows that this is necessary apparently! I'm glad this organisation is doing their job.

Oh, the irony.

Me, a junior dev: * reports an important issue and a possible fix *

Senior dev 1: nah, it'll do just fine.

Senior dev 2: that won't be an issue, don't you see? It's under control, man.

Senior 3: why are you even here? Why are you even talking?

Manager: yeah, what could possibly go wrong?

* a year after releasing the product, one of the seniors got fired and another one was hired *

New senior: this thing is bananas, code is inconsistent and there's memory leaks everywhere, how does that even work?

Me: nobody believed me when I said that.

Manager: it did work very well, where's the issue?

Me: it's everywhere, goddammit! Don't you see?

New senior: junior dev is right.

Me: I've been a WHOLE YEAR saying that!

Manager: did you? Really? Nah, you didn't.

...

I'm tired of this shit.

The GitHub graphql API is pretty neat, mostly because it's a great example of a product where graphql has advantages over REST. As a code reviewer for repos with hundreds of simultaneous PRs, I use it to filter through branches for stuff that needs my attention the most.

NewRelic's NRQL API is also quite nice, as it provides an unusual but very direct interface into the underlying application metrics.

I'm also a big fan of launchlibrary, purely because I love spaceflight, and their API is an extremely rich and actively maintained resource. This makes it a great data source for playing around with plotting & statistics libraries — when I'm learning new languages or tools, I prefer to make something "real" rather than following a tutorial, and I often use launchlibrary as a fun and useful data backend.

Teaching a beginner (though in 40's) Git and GitHub is somehow annoying!

Cause they won't follow the instructions 😂😒

The development department got an order to remove certain functionality from our current server monitoring solution, so that we had to use a new, still very in development solution, that is full of bugs and super unreliable.

End result? We now have to have two windows open all the time, while also hoping the new solution actually works, as it tends to stop refreshing randomly, and tends to give false positives a lot.

I GOT A JOB OFFER!!! IM OUT OF THIS FUCKING HELLHOLE!!!

🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕

Project manager: We have 13weeks for this project. We have promised the client.

Me: okay, why wasnt I consulted on that commitment?

Project Manager: yeah.... we have to do it

Me: okay, if we have 2 dedicated backend and one full time frontend - ONLY on this project.

Project manager: (with the face of lies) yes yes sure we can do that.

6 weeks later, after continuous interruptions. Frontend is behind because he was only on the project to an amount of 2 weeks of the 6 weeks.

Project manager: Are we still on time?

Me: *looks around for prank cameras* no the f#*k we not

Project manager: can we put in weekends?

Me: its 2019 bro, that ain't happening

*But because I am a nice guy, and dont like taking Ls, we will have it ready. Just not gonna tell the project manager, he deserves a few sleepless nights *

So, me and my girlfriend were on a discord call and she said to me: "You know how you can get lost in someone's eyes? Well, I get lost in your code".

I've never been more touched and conflicted in my life. 🥰🤨

I started a hobby software project producing TV graphics for eSports racing events.

At first it really only was a hobby without getting paid at all. After a few years we got our first customer for whom we build a fully functional TV graphics package for their broadcasting network for about 350€ for roughly 80-100 hours of work total.

This was the first time I was getting paid for my own software and since it was just a hobby, it was nice at that time.

After a few more years in the business, we are lucky enough that our software is used by the game developers themselves and big car companies for their eSports events and we are able to make a decent profit from our small hobby.

Took only about 5 years. So never give up, I guess. :)

"I think there are two types of people in this world – people who can start things and people who can finish things. And while I place great value on the finishers, it’s the starters who are rare because they can envision what isn’t there." - Ed Frank

I love how CS universities teach stuff like every student there is going to create a programming language from scratch, but none of the real world stuff. Then people get surprised that bootcamp students get promotions twice as fast.

Me: You're looking rested - the vacation does you good, it seems.
Co-worker: I didn't have vacation?!
Me: but our PM does.
Co-worker: ...

I am extremely particular about writing good READMEs in my repositories. I make sure that it has everything from prerequisites to run the code and tests on a new machine to how to actually run it (and the tests) and everything in between.

Despite all that I was asked questions that should have been avoided if you had seen the README.

One of these times was by a junior DevOps asking me about an error which was clearly due to him running the code without a virtual environment. Pings me with the entire stacktrace, I go to his desk and tell him to install the environment, which he does. 3 minutes later, another error message.

He was running the wrong script. I go to his desk again. Open the repository. Show him the README. Show him the section titled "To run the pipeline"!

There's a reason they're called README. You're supposed to READ them! 😑

In networking class today:

Student - "But this is just in theory, how does it work in practice?"

Lecturer - "In theory, theory and practice are the same thing."

Downloaded example code and he left gmail credentials in...

I wrote (or, ended up with a very much alpha but usable version) a monitoring system a while back and completely forgot about its existence.

But, it's still running and a few days ago I was building a docker imagine on a system with not that many resources and after about 5 minutes I started getting notifications about a high load!

Then, while I had forgotten about it again, yesterday, I suddenly started getting notifications about websites on my main application server going down.
Logged in and all was good again after restarting nginx.

Gotta say that it feels quite awesome to be notified of shit going wrong by something I wrote myself while I forgot about its existence 😊

Vivaldi released a beta for mobile yesterday! I'm enjoying it very much, so far. Anybody else played with it?

Senior development manager in my org posted a rant in slack about how all our issues with app development are from

“Constantly moving goalposts from version to version of Xcode”

It took me a few minutes to calm myself down and not reply. So I’ll vent here to myself as a form of therapy instead.

Reality Check:
- You frequently discuss the fact that you don’t like following any of apples standards or app development guidelines. Bit rich to say the goalposts are moving when you have your back to them.

- We have a custom everything (navigation stack handler, table view like control etc). There’s nothing in these that can’t be done with the native ones. All that wasted dev time is on you guys.

- Last week a guy held a session about all the memory leaks he found in these custom libraries/controls. Again, your teams don’t know the basic fundamentals of the language or programming in general really. Not sure how that’s apples fault.

- Your “great emphasis on unit testing” has gotten us 21% coverage on iOS and an Android team recently said to us “yeah looks like the tests won’t compile. Well we haven’t touched them in like a year. Just ignore them”. Stability of the app is definitely on you and the team.

- Having half the app in react-native and half in native (split between objective-c and swift) is making nobodies life easier.

- The company forces us to use a custom built CI/CD solution that regularly runs out of memory, reports false negatives and has no specific mobile features built in. Did apple force this on us too?

- Shut the fuck up

“Your time zone is not my concern” - manager of the backend team

I asked if there’s another way for us to get test data into QA. That doesn’t involve us staying on until 9pm to get a backend dev to modify the db manually, everyday.

Me: Hi Guys, theres no docs on our custom push notification / deeplinking implementation. I've tried to work backwards from a QA testing doc to add new links. Can someone tell me if this is all ok? It seems to behave a little weird.

Dev: Looks ok, but we've moved to the braze platform for sending notifications. You'll need to trigger braze notifications now. Test that it works ok with that <confluence-link>

*hour later*

Me: I've tried the debugging tool, both with my payload and one of the samples from the link. It displays on the phone, but tapping it doesn't trigger the deeplinking.

Dev: No it works, try one of these <screenshot of samples I used>

*hour later*

Me: Tried it again on the real device to make sure, as well as on develop and master. Not working with those samples or mine.

Dev: No it does. It comes in here in this library <github link to line of code>

Me: ... Nope, debugged it, it doesn't get passed the next 'if' check on the next line as its missing a key/value. The whole function does nothing.

Dev: Oh do you want to send a braze notification?

Me: ..... you told me I had too .... yes I guess.

Dev: ok for a braze notification it works different, send this <entirely different sample no where on the link>

Me: ...... but ..... this is only for braze notifications ..... why .... all the samples have deeplink url's .... but they don't ....... are you ..... FFS!!!!! !@#?!

(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

┻━┻ ︵ヽ(`Д´)ﾉ︵ ┻━┻

(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻

┌П┐(ಠ_ಠ)

After being hired as a PHP programmer, I have been assigned my first Java project

Me: So i've cloned the iOS project, i've run carthage, but it won't build.. Have I done something wrong?

Devs: Oh read this doc on github, we do loads of custom stuff. The depenedncy manager can't do it all by itself. You need to run `./scripts/boostrap.sh`

Me (another day): I've switched branches and i'm getting all these errors. Any ideas?

Devs: Ah this happens when someone modifies xyz. Read this pinned slack message. Run `./scripts/bootstrap.sh` again.

Me (another day): I've switched branches again, getting different errors, re-running boostrap didn't fix it.

Devs: Ah yeah, this happens when someone modifies abc. You need to run `./scripts/nuke.sh` and then boostrap when this happens.

Me (another day): Guys When I try to run the prod app its not building any ideas?

Devs: Ah yes have a look at this confluence link. You need to run `./scripts/setup_debug_release.sh`, then nuke, then boostrap and you'll be good.

Me: .... ok

Devs: Oh btw very important! do not commit any changes from `./scripts/setup_debug_release.sh`. It will break everything!

Me: ... no i'm sorry we have a much bigger problem than that. We need to talk ... like right now

What if - when you want to switch off the light or anything, you are supposed to get electrocuted and die.

But instead, your consciousness switched to an alternate reality and live, and you wouldn't notice.

Jeez..I need to stop watching scifi. I wont look at switched the same again.

Today I found somebodies phone... Together with his bank cards in the flip protection wallet ... I was able to turn it on and charge it so I awaited a call and now through the caller I was able to return it to its owner within 2 hours of finding it 🥰 got a nice bottle of booze as a reward

You know, you fucked up when there are extra screws after assembling a device.