I fucking love my parents.

Came to visit them again and told them that I might buy an iPhone in the future (I fucking hate apple/i-devices and they know that).

Mom: "You are going to WHAT? Are you okay, son?"
Dad: *walks towards me and puts hand on forehead* "Hmmm, doesn't seem to be that warm. Maybe we should visit a psychiatrist soon."

Me: 😂. mom, dad, I fucking love you.

Yep that's how I want to wake up, with a mini heart attack ...

Documentation is like sex.
When it's good, it's very good.
When it's bad, it's better than nothing.

How to apply for the job in Google! [Easy method]

User:"It's not working"
Me:"Have you turned it off and on again?"
User:"Yes"
Me: goes down there, system uptime is 360days...
"How do you turn it off?"
User:"by pressing the button on the monitor

Lamer rant

For a really long time I said to myself that this is too basic to rant about but lately it became so frequent and extreme that here is my rant about completely clueless users that ask me IT related questions.

Disclaimer: Said users are people that I generally can't avoid. Distant family members, neighbors and etc.

Case 0:
U: I don't know what's happening!! The computer doesn't work!!
M: What do you mean?
U: There's no Facebook! And everything is stuck and no messenger!!!
M: The WiFi on your laptop was off. I turned it on. Still, this doesn't mean that the pc wasn't working.
U: I don't understand this shit!!!

Case 1:
U: I hate this computer!!! It never works!!! Help meeee!!!
M: What now?
U: Where did the internet disappear?!
M: (assuming it's wifi or browser related)
Actually user moved the Chrome window to bottom-right corner and lost it.

Every time I try to show the user how I resolve the issue the user yells that there are too many steps, that they are complicated and that I'm a bad teacher and doing it too fast.

Case 2:
U: My computer is so slow! It barely can load google translate! And I can't listen to music on youtube!! Shitty laptop! It's you! Your computers in the apartment drain everything!!!
M: You have no idea what you are talking about.
U: My husband told me that your computers are heavy and drain everything!
M: What exactly did he tell you that my devices drain?
U: I don't know! All the energy! I believe him! He knows!
M: My computers drain less electricity than your vacuum and I have a separate internet connection. Not only we share nothing but also I drain nothing.
U: Since you appeared all the computers are slow!!!!

Fkk...

Case 3:
U: I don't understand, where is my whatsapp?
M: You can't locate the app on your phone?
U: Yes! F*ck, help me! I'm so angry and I really need this NOW!!!
M: Shut up. I'm already here and helping.
(I open users phone and whatsapp is the active app...)
U: I can' t find my whatsapp with Clara!

F*ck you! F*ck you! Ghckjfshij!!!

Case 4:
(crazy hitting on my door)
U: I don't have THE internet!!!
It's you again! You took all of THE internet!!!
M: No, it doesn't work like that. Your provider is bad, your package is cheap and your cables are of low quality.
U: I need THE internet immediately!!! Stop playing with your typing and fix the facebook or I'll cut the power cables to the house!!

I can go on, just don't think that recalling all those events is healthy for me.

I accidentally open eclipse (Java code) during a demo.

The same smart ass Einstein's cousin business guy : Oh that is SQL, I have learnt it.. it was too simple for me that is why I decided not to be a developer

Me : You are lucky it's Friday

Website design philosophies:

Apple: "...and a really big picture there, and a really big picture there, and a really big picture there, and..."

Microsoft: "border-radius:0 !important;"

Google: "EVERYTHING MOVES!!! And most websites get material design. Most."

Amazon: "We're slowly moving away from 2009"

Wix: "How can we further increase load times?"

Literally any download site: "Click here! No, click here! Nononono!! Click here!!..."

Facebook: "We can't change anything because our main age demographic is around 55"

University websites: "That information isn't hard enough to find yet. Decrease the search accuracy and increase broken links."

Yeah...Windows...

Well yeah. He is right!

Man, that's a pretty serious SQL warning..

Saw a job posting at subway in Chicago. Need a job ?

Fuck you SwiftKey!

Just find a kind of opensource license shorted as WTFPL, which means "Do What The Fuck You Want To Public License"😂😂😂

- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google's pizza.
- So it's a wrong number?
- No sir, Google bought it.
- OK. Take my order please ..
- Well sir, you want the usual?
- The usual? You know me?
- According to our caller ID, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust
- OK! This is it
- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato?
- No, I hate vegetables
- But your cholesterol is not good
- How do you know?
- Through the subscribers guide. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years
- Okay, but I do not want this pizza, I already take medicine
- You have not taken the medicine regularly, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 tablets at Drugsale Network
- I bought more from another drugstore
- It's not showing on your credit card
- I paid in cash
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement
- I have other source of cash
- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you got it from undeclared income source
-WHAT THE HELL? Enough! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet,where there is no cell phone line and no one to spy on me
- I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport as it has expired 5 weeks ago..

Pedophile......
PDF file….......

knowing the difference could save your life

Paypal Rant #3

One day I'll go to Paypal HQ and...
... change all the toilet rolls to face the wrong way
... remap all the semicolons to be the Greek equivalent character
... change all the door signs so they say "pull" instead of "push" and vice versa
... modify all the stairs to have variable heights
... programmatically shuffle the elevator buttons and randomly assign the alarm key to any of the most visited floors
... pour cocoa onto all the keyboards and wipe them off cleanly
... attach clear duct tape over their mouse sensors and insert really weak batteries or mess with their cables

I'll wait a day or two until they experience a sudden shortage of developers, then bombard them with thousands of fake applications from seemingly amazing candidates, then write an AI bot to continue argumentation with HR.

I'll wait another week or so until the company dissolves and with them, all my issues in life.

No need to be overly vulgar this time because you all know the deal. I hate this fucking company. Please Paypal do us all a favor and go fuck yourself.

Not that i mean any disrespect but fuck you. Fuck you and all that you stand for. No seriously, just go hit a train and die.
You are a DBMS teacher in an Engineering college and teaching to the Computer Science students in the year 2017, where computers are fully capable of playing sports and simulating human brain.
And you want your students to write down all the sql queries along with their monolithic tabular output on paper..... With pen?
And you wont accept my printed out output?
Fuck you from the depths of my heart.
Go ahead and dont accept my project.
I dont need your fucking credits.

When I try a new distro:

HTML - hot tomato monkey language
CSS - crazy stupid script
PHP - per hour pay
JS - just scream
JAVA - just a valid acronym
C# - see sharply
Objective C - OOP cash
C - cash
C++ - cash++

..........

When I was a kid I used to play on my old Pentium computer all night after my mother sleeps. One night she caught me playing, she pushed the cabin from the table and broke it 😵. After then I tried to fix it and succeeded. Since then started learning about computers and now a back end engineer..

"Software is like sex: it's better when it's free"-Linus Torvalds

Walking with gf.

diadev: hey that desk would be perfect for someone with one monitor!
GF: What kind of fuckin normie has one monitor?

I'm keeping this one 😂

Thanks Spotify, I'm really digging your suggested songs!

Difference between 0 and NULL.

My fiancée was complaining about how one of her classes at the University requires using a PC to run some obscure program so she would have to study in the library as she has a Mac. I asked if she wanted me to spin up a Windows VM. After explaining what that means she freaked out saying "You can do that?!". Yes. Because I am part God.

Hats off for Microsoft.

After recent updates we are now able to install Windows 10 without ever being promoted to log into a Microsoft account. I was even able to uninstall OneDrive like any other application.

Small steps into the good direction.

How it should be:
- First: solve the problem
- Second: Write your code.

How many people do:
- First: Write code
- Second: solve code problems
- Third: Adapt code with requirements
- Forth: get lost on your spaghetti code
- Sixth: make a suicide

A programmer and a business analyst are sitting in the break room one day eating lunch when suddenly the microwave catches fire. Thinking quickly, the analyst leaps up, unplugs the microwave, grabs the trash can, fills it with water from sink, and dumps the water on the microwave to put out the flames.

A few weeks later the two are again having lunch in the break room when suddenly the coffee maker bursts into flames. The programmer leaps up, grabs the coffee maker, shoves it into the microwave oven, and then hands the trash can to the business analyst, thus re-using the solution developed for the previous project.