I was looking for about a month for a laptop. Then on this one magical day I open kijiji and see a Toshiba Thinkpad T450s with 20gb of ram, 138 ssd and an i5-6300U cpu going fo 500$ (value 2000+).

My first thought was. Okay. Scam alert. But you know. What if?

So I call up this person. And its a girl who got a pc from her bf, but really she wanted a mac so she is selling it.

This straight up blew my mind. I decided, fuck it. Got 500. Ran to her. Ran a systems check on the laptop. Checked for any attempts at opening it up. Checked the harddrive. Checked the ram. Everything is solid.

Long story short. Thank god for apple fangirls!

"Let me just check devrant while the IDE is launching..."

Today I received the best bug report I could've ever asked for..

Received an email from a member of our customer service centre containing a description of the bug they'd found and not only did it contain the steps to reproduce the bug, but a goddamn video of him reproducing the suspected bug!

The greatest feeling when the client decides to take time to make your life that little bit easier

God damnit. Just when you thought you were safe..

God save us all from JS 😑

Now we can all master this development pattern

Code like a God, in Chinese..

Dumbest feature request was to hide log out button so that people do not leave the website 😂

Just don't.

note to self: do not use super glue on your keyboard

note to self part two: do not listen to the internet and use nail polish remover to get super glue off your keyboard

D: wut

SFW version of '50 Shades of Grey'

That awkward moment when you tell your gf you want a rubber duck for your birthday present but you mistyped it.

Gf: "Sweetie, what gift do you want for your birthday?"
Me: "a rubber dick would be fantastic! it'll help me debug things"
Gf: "Ok... if you say so..."

My fiancée was complaining about how one of her classes at the University requires using a PC to run some obscure program so she would have to study in the library as she has a Mac. I asked if she wanted me to spin up a Windows VM. After explaining what that means she freaked out saying "You can do that?!". Yes. Because I am part God.

Self hosted Gitlab server :-)

Be a real man an buy a binary keyboard like me.

Pros:
You become an absolute god.

Cons:
None

In Hindi, "Dev" means "God". I guess we're on the right track, fellas! :-)

"git has stopped working"

Joker: If you are good at something don’t do it for free
Me: (thinking) How much shall I charge to introduce bugs into someone’s code? 🤣

Saw this on Twitter can't stop myself from posting this

i'm a backend developer trying to work with css.

fml.

When I see a not-so-funny-rant with 19++

How do you fix a bug in a badly written code?
You don't. You re-write that shit!

God Backup..

I spent about 5 hours today coding and I was totally in the zone. I'm talking things were working properly, tests were passing, bugs were being squashed all over the place. It was completely amazing, I felt like a god ruling over my code kingdom.

After about 5 straight hours I realized that I needed food so I got up, stretched my legs and had some dinner. Well I sat back down about an hour ago and I am SO far out of the zone. Everything is breaking, I can't focus and I have no idea why. My kingdom was overrun with a plague of bugs in just the short time I paused to eat.

Moral of the story: when you get in the zone don't stop for anything even if it seems like basic human necessity. After all we aren't human when we're in the zone, we are coding gods.

Risk free :-D

God works in mysterious ways...

this guy found 1 mysterious way.

Holy Shitee 😵

Found on my university's computing soc page

When I hear sales guy using technical terms in the wrong context while doing his sales pitch to a client...

Seriously fuck mandatory security questions, these are my options:

What year did you meet your spouse?
I'm single.
What is your favorite book as a child?
I didn't have a favorite book. (and still, don't)
In which city did you meet your spouse?
I'm single
What is the first name of the first person you went to prom with?
Didn't go to prom.
Which state did you first visit (outside of your birth state)?
I've been to about 43 states and can't remember when I started traveling, how the fuck am I supposed to know?
In which city was your spouse born?
Again I'm single.
In which city did your oldest sibling get married?
I don't have any siblings.

C'mon, at least let me create my own question because right now I have no choice but to make up random shit and write it down in LastPass as a note.

The stereotypical view of us.

The comments make a lot of sense.

Went to an interview for the position ‘PHP Web Developer’. Interviewer scans through my CV for 2mins and then starts the interview.
Interviewer: Do you know Java?
Me: I know Java but I don’t have any professional experience
Interviewer: Do you know Hadoop?
Me: No. I’ve never worked on it
Interviewer: Our company works on Hadoop hence you should be able to work on that after joining.
Me: I thought this is a PHP web dev position.
Interviewer: Of course. But you will have work on various other things too!
Me: I don’t think I want to become jack of all trades. Thanks for the opportunity!
I got up and left the interview...

Guess who just pushed a whole week's work straight into production without a single damn test and everything works fine?😎😎😎

With all this emoji code bullshit flying around in here.

I thought I would test my luck and make what I think would be the worst possible end result of this.

<?php
define("😂","God help me");
define("🤡",100);

for($🍔 = 0; $🍔 <= 🤡; $🍔++){
echo 😂."\n";
}
?>
This will execute and run on PHP7.1 😱

Now let’s all band together and kill emojicode before it becomes a thing we will regret!

So I was looking for mod for Payday 2, when suddenly I've bumped into this video with this beautiful color scheme

As I have already said before, I am the president of my school's programming club. Today I checked my school email and saw this announcement:

"Girls Who Code Club Opened in Room C110: Girls Who Code is a non-profit organization whichaims to support and increase the number of women in computer science. Teams work to design and build a computer science impact project that solves real world problems they care about through code."

At first, in my opinion, girls who code is a terrible and failing idea. I get it if you'd want to teach dancing and sports classes with classes being seperated by gender. But teaching programming by gender is just absolutely stupid. In sports, different sexes tend to have different problems, while in Science based classes, we use logic, which is the same, independent of sex. Would you teach a math class by sex? I think not.

And now back to me being the president of the programming club. My club is having a bit of a hard time, due to it being started up late, and not even being featured in the club demonstrations in the beginning of the year. We are hoping to pick up a lot more students next year. But now, there's that goddamned GWC club. They have money and resources, while I have only my spare time and my friend. Everything I try to do has to be reviewed by the school, and due to my club having "less importance," I cannot afford to buy much. God help me!

Centering.

When you apply breakpoint to the 'if' statement but 'else' part gets executed...

When server is fed up of serving captcha 😆

So I was studying for a test using a quizlet my social studies teacher made, and I came across this gem. 99% sure my social studies teacher didn't read what it said/understand what it means.

Client: We need video chatting facility in our website
Me: Ok. But it will take more time and effort. It will cost you more too!
Client: Don't build from scratch. We use Skype in our company. Just embed in our website too!
Me: **facepalm**

always pull before commiting.

Just realized I'm commenting about how to summon Cthulhu with regex, while my upvote count is 666...

Őh bøy. Ţhįş įs ÑØŤ ģôíņğ ţø ęňđ węļĺ

Oh the joy of working on service. Customer's website uses a web service to fetch a lot of their data via SOAP. We get a call on Monday that it's not working anymore. I start debugging and find out that the format of the response changed and that the code isn't working anymore with the changed response. I call the Webservice company to verify. "oh yeah, we updated the data set."
Me: Great, who needs communication about that kind of stuff anyways? - There was no notification in any form of this change. I spend hours adapting the code so it works again and had it fixed by Monday evening. Today I get a call from the customer "Hey, it's not working again!". Great. I call the web service. "Oh yeah we didn't originally mean to change the format, so we reverted it again!" - Again no communication whatsoever. I don't think I have ever been as grateful for version control. And as pissed off with a company.

When you laugh at a devRant post and the non-tech 50 year-old woman next to you finds out your good with computers. And then she asks you to delete her porn history... Awkward

got new glasses today.
c++.

...i'll show myself out.

I sometimes encounter developers who try to be serious all the time and be super rational at everything and have a pride in never smiling. One time my friend was crying and her dev boyfriend went like "I am a developer and I think rational, the way you think about X........." Dude shut the fuck up and hug her! Nobody gives a fuck about you being a RoboCop right now. The fact that you lack emphaty and emotional capacity doesnt make you a mighty god, it makes you a fucking asshole.

Hunted a bug for 8 hours, thinking it was a problem in my code....

Found out it was someone else's code generator that injected the bug...

Contacted the concerned dev... Had to convince him for another 3 hours that it was his change to the code that caused the issue. He is still sure that his change can't break the code...... What the fuck are you..? A fucking God programmer who never makes mistakes??

I mean how hard is it to just accept when I just proved it to you??

And on the 8th day, God began debugging. And still hasn't finished.

With time, I have come to the realisation that when a person says he knows C++. He's either a noob or god!

I was given a work to refactor one of my colleagues code and found that there was a variable named 'anal'. I was quite surprised seeing it as the colleague was a soft spoken and well behaved guy in office. After scratching my head for 15mins I came to know that he was storing analytics data in that variable. Hence the name! :-D

Uuh... ok, then

who else feels like this every damn day?

Oh god this is not going to plan!
This is the first piece of art I've ever done haha

oh god. I just heard an abrupt noise emit from a pc I was told to fix that could only be described as R2-D2 fucking a 56k modem

What is this, windows?? how am i, the software publisher, supposed to change this if you don't bother to give a proper fucking error? whoever created this, i hope you die choking on a goat's intestines

I have officially overcome the point where I, as a Web Developer, believe God does not exist... no, in fact he does and he's a monumental Troll (from here forth referred to as Trod), tasked with beating the living shit out of the hopes and dreams of developers like me with a stick...a stick called JavaScript.

And now many of you are thinking "Here we go, another JavaScript rant...".
But no...this rant is directed to whomever wrote the fucking JSON parser in Chrome (definitely Trod). And here's why...

In this picture on the left we can see a happy array being happily stored in memory, happily ordered, after being parsed from a fetch request...

And on the right, a quick refresh and a fart of Trod code later...

THE FUCKING ORDER CHANGED!!!

I hope you hear me you troll of a God...BRING IT... I've fixed worse shit than this so let's dance you asshole...

*quietly but graciously leaves to securely wrap head and testicles in tin foil*

I just experienced the opposite of rant.

I spent 1 entire day ranting about a algorithm I couldn't write with no issues, it occupied all my mind and got me pissed of.

And today, I rewrote it entirely, and it works perfectly everywhere.

I was like : "No it can't work here. Oh ok", "And here's the bug ! No ? Nice.", "Don't tell me it'll work here. I'm a God".

That's why I love being a dev :D
Thank you, you freaking problem I had !

Found out that the company I'm currently working, gave me only 6 mandatory holidays for this calendar year. When I asked my boss why is it too low, he got so furious as if I asked him to donate his kidney!

Me and colleague went to coffee shop to work...
C -> colleague
M -> Me

...
C: "do you know what I tell myself when I want to gain the courage to talk to a girl I like?":
M: (gave it some thought) "No what?"
C: "If internet explorer has the courage to ask me to become the default browser! Then what am I afraid of?"
M: "No wonder your relationships are buggy! And full of insecurities!"

Why must I always have great ideas for my projects and have the code in my head when I'm out for dinner with family and drinking, whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

I've taken over a project with legacy code, this is one of the methods:

private bool areEqual(string value1, string value2)
{
return value1 == value2;
}

Also, the opening brackets are on a new line

Once upon a time I was program'n, but then the POTATO GOD said unto me, PROGRAM FASTER MY CHILD. And I did so.

Developers are not normal humans,,
They are tiny Gods, who run the virtual world.

Yes or no?

Write in comments!

This is how I feel while coding a system whitout tdd or any kind of tests, and it's the company's major system... Anyone else?

I know I shouldn't, but I had to laugh: "Does anyone know if the 'localhost' server is running? And could someone turn it on if it's down? I tried to connect but couldn't get through..."

If programmers became musicians we would see
- Wake me up when my build ends, 21 cores, Boulevard of broken CI pipelines by Blue Screen Day
- Smoke from my cabinet by Deep For-Loop
- This is how you debug me by Loopback
- Post-release rhapsody by debug queen
- Another bug in the code by Programmer Floyd
- Smells like bad code by Coders from Botswana
- A place for my code, Cure for the bug by Likin to code at dark

etc etc..

I installed ArchLinux on my smartphone thanks to termux, and now i kinda feel like a god, but don't know what to do.
I'm bored.

Moment when your boss catches you reading dev-rants while you are supposed to be working...

Hah!
I just broke my record and generated (not exported or imported) the biggest SQL file!
A massive 15.7GB SQL file monster.

I hope the import will go well.

... its been one of those days

I finally did it. It was so worth it though. 😁

When your "simple" example code looks like this, something really needs to change

This gem of a game. Partly cause i'm a contributor, partly cause i'm a space junkie.

Is this advertising? maybe.
Am i in love? definitely.

> creates new PR for open source project
> runs tests locally before pushing
> pushes
> waits 8h (not kidding) for appveyor checks to complete
> tests failed

MOTHERF-

The new Android 8 Smileys are extremely ugly. The ones before weren't that great but not that bad...

Things that give me chills early in the morning. A password reset email that contains my password in plain text.
Seriously! 🤦‍♂️

These fucking nitwits who write on a non-stackoverflow site that they "solved it", without giving any clue whatsofuckingever about how they actually solved the problem, can all go take a shower in perchloric acid mixed with 2 days old hobo piss.

I think I'm in some kind of devRant god-mode

Just got my first 2 tor relays running; one with 20MB/s, one with 60MB/s. FeelsGoodMan.

Merge conflicts in git I guess 😄

I have this amazing idea, said John
I ask John about this amazing idea.

John goes on to say that it will change the world and solve world hunger.

I ask him again, what's your idea?
John says my idea is to 'solve world hunger'! AMAZING RIGHT?

now now John, so you're gonna do it like (provide a few solutions)..
John says yeah that was exactly what my idea was (ah. Fuck you)

So John now is under the delusion that he can solve world hunger and the steps to do it came from his own ostrich-brained imagination...

Tiny fuck doesn't even realize the fact that he plagiarized.

Now we look into the future where I ask John honestly that he should come up with his own idea to solve world hunger and not use mine.

JOHN GETS ANGRY
John asks 'do you actually think that was your idea? We were brainstorming man, I told you we had to solve world hunger and only because of my voice did I spark that idea in you, I created that idea man'

So, well since he's plagiarized so much I told him that I had this plan to perform a hunger strike in the grand Canyon to get some attention..

Fidgety little bitch found another idea to steal and he was like good idea!! I'm booking my flight to the Grand Canyon now!

What bout me I ask? He says man take some rest let me face the pressure (and the glory apparently)

Well, John did not return.
Poor stupid John did not realize that I had been joking and got his little ass fired under the direct sun in the grand canyon

Moral of the story :
I WILL DESTROY YOUR HOMES AND YOUR LIVES PLAGIARISTS, I WILL EXTERMINATE YOU *cough**cough*
Damn that Sulphur hexafluoride actually worked!

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU ???

Galaxy S8 5.8" Quad HD+ Super AMOLED (2960x1440) 
570 ppi

Galaxy S8+ 6.2" Quad HD+ Super AMOLED (2960x1440) 
529 ppi

oh my fucking god, what kind of retard decided this ?

This resolution is waaaaay too much. It impacts performance and battery life a fuck ton and gives you absolutely nothing in return. I would be cordially surprised if there was someone in the world who could see more than 400 ppi. 300 is more than enough for most of the people.
God these fucks are annoying with their retarded marketing. And even more so, the people who buy these phones, because phone manufacturers can and will continue doing so.
Flagship my ass.

Recently started at a new job. Things were going fine, getting along with everyone, everything seems good and running smoothly, a few odd things here and there but for the most part fine.

Then I decided to take a look at our (public facing) website... What's this? Outdated plugins from 2013? Okay, that's an easy fix I guess? All of these are free and the way we're using them wouldn't require a lot of refactoring...

Apparently not. Apparently, we can't even update them ourselves, we have to request that an external company does it (which we pay, by the way, SHITELOADS of money to). A week goes past, and we finally get a response.

No, we won't update it, you'll have to pay for it. Doesn't matter that there's a CVE list a bloody mile long and straight up no input validation in several areas, doesn't matter that tens of thousands of users are at risk, pay us or it stays broken. Boggles the fuckin' mind.

I dug into it a bit more than I probably should have (didn't break no laws though I'm not a complete dumbass, I just work for em) and it turns out it's not just us getting fucked over, it's literally EVERYONE using their service which is the vast majority of people within the industry in my country. It also turns out that the entirety of our region is running off a single bloody IP which if you do a quick search on shodan for, you guessed it, also has a CVE list pop up a fuckin' mile long. Don't get me started on password security (there is none). I hate this, there's fucking nothing I can do and everyone else is just fine sitting on their hands because "nobody would target us because we're not a bank!!", as if it bloody matters and as if peoples names, addresses, phone numbers and assuming someone got into our actual database, which wouldn't be a fuckin' stretch of the imagination let me tell you, far more personal details, that these aren't enticing to anyone.

What would you do in my situation?
What can I even do?
I don't want to piss anyone senior off but honestly, I'm thinkin' they might deserve it. I mean yeah there's nothing we can do but at least make a fuss 'cause they ain't gunna listen to my green ass.

When you're suddenly a God for fixing something only you broke (but no one knew).

I read a bible verse and get back to what I was doing
God always gives me power

I never use my fucking pendrive and now that I explicitly need it, I can't find it...

doNotMessWithITTeamInAFuckingProject();

Last night me with my team have a discussion with my project team. Currently we have a project for our insurance client building a Learning Management System. The project condition already messed up since the first day i join a meeting. Because since its a consortium project with multiple company involved, one of company had a bad experience with another company. It happened few years back when both of company were somehow break up badly because miss communication (i heard this from one of my team).

Skip..skip... And then day to day like another stereotype IT projects when client and business analyst doing requirements gathering, the specs seems unclear and keep changing day by day even when I type this rant I'm sure it will change again.

Then something happened last night when my team leader force our business analyst to re index the use case number (imho) this is no need to be done, and i know the field conditions its so tough for all team members.

So many problems occured, actually this is a boring problem like lack of dev resource, lack of project management and all other stereotype IT projects had. Its sucks why this things is happening again.

Finally my fellow business analyst type a quite long message in our group and said that he maybe quit because its too tired and he felt that the leader only know about push push pushhhhhy fcking pussy, he never go to the client site and look what we've done and what we struggle so far.

I just don't know why, i know this guy earlier was an IT geek also, but when he leading a team he act like he never done IT project before, just know about pushing people without knowing what the context and sound to me like just rage push!

Damnit, i maybe quit also, you know we IT guy never affraid to quit anytime from the messed up condition like this. Even though we were at the bottom level in a project, but we hold the most main key for development.

Hope he (my leader) read this rant. And can realize what happened and fix this broken situation. I don't know what to say again, im in steady mode to quit anytime if something chaos happen nearly in the future.

doNotMessWithITTeamInAFuckingProject();

Found this gem 😂

TRANSLATION

Java for believing programmers

For who?
Young male,
which want to pray together,
and at the same time make first
steps in programming

How old you need to be?
Up to 25 years

What do you need?
Holy Bible
Laptop
*you just need 500 mb RAM and WinXP

It's when you lack electricity that you really start to question your life style

Any people in south Florida that are affected by the hurricane? How are you guys doing? Stay safe and don't forget to push your code.

FUCK. This person who I have to avoid at social gatherings because I find him insufferably annoying is applying to my workplace and oh my God I hope I never have to work with him, at least the company is 700 people so the odds are relatively low?

Uggggg he's the worst. And I'm so easy going. There's like two people I feel this way about (fortunately the other lives in a different city).

That moment when you have refactored so much shit, then really broken the project, but can't see yourself doing a git revert because you had invested so much time and know ultimately it *needs* these changes...

Thank god I fixed it! 😌

Notepad++

No reason. Just don’t like it anymore!

When you push seemingly harmless untested code to production server which breaks the whole application...

Programming commandment: Thou shall, from time to time look at your old code, introspect and improve!

Grable its fucking bullshit and its slow as hell but ohh well i must use it for android.
And one library for sound in C was too fucking slow and complex as hell.

that moment when you realize that all the incompetent bastards people complain about on devrant have a job, and you currently don't.

So, I have this little USB Stick with a Kali Linux Partition on it which I use for school. (I boot up from the USB instead of the installed windows, so I have all my personal data everywhere I go)
But somehow I forgot the USB in class last week... 😭
Today I'll ask the teacher if he found anything. Wish me luck!

If god was a programmer, do you think he made us like

int sex = rand()% 2+1;

if (sex == 1){
std::cout << “it’s a girl!”;
}

else if (sex == 2){
std::cout << “its a boy!”;
}

Wtf? So far from the word Pythonic...

In just one week I have to make two presentations for my class, first one talk about open source and why everyone should use it and in the second one I have to explain how Git works and why it is so helpful for common projects.

It feels like God gave me an essential mission for life

I have code convention OCD.

My team really fucked up the code with their different indentation styles, and it really makes me want to kill them!! 😡😡😠

1. Understand APIs without reading documentation.

2. Write correct code from first try.

3. Know to program in every language.

4. Create the perfect fully functional AI system.

5. Center objects vertically with one line CSS at target object.

!rant

To the Devs at OnePlus,

Who ever wrote the code that lets me swap the 'back' and 'show recent apps' buttons so they're like my old phone.... You're a fucking god

The word 'Dev' literally means god in hindi language

When your boss tells you to work on legacy PHP4 codebase...

As long as the couch does what it should and is stable, I think it's a good code. Programming means knowing what the computer does before it knows it.
Heaven for programmers:

>.< O_o

Sometimes I get so frustrated seeing my old code, I wanna travel back in time and slap myself!

when you find a tool or library that does exactly what you need, but it's not documented at all

or worse, when it's "cross-platform" but all the build/install steps are made assuming you're using a Mac
"brew install my-shiny-metal-ass"

Out of all my Chrome extensions, the one that changes every mention of God to Nicolas Cage is propably the one I am the happiest with

Why are all the feminists silent who support equality between genders regarding the Jeff Bezos case? They should suggest her to be independent and not take her husbands assets right? 🤔🤔

FUCKING WINDOWS DECIDES TO UPDATE WHEN I HAVE 6 PROGRAMS OPEN AND NOT EVEN SAVED EVERYTHING.

10+ chrome tabs with research pages that are irrecoverable.

That when I leave for a couple of minutes to take a brake. I'm not even notified beforehand.

I'm fine tho which is nice. Gonna cry and sleep now to work hard again tomorrow.

I'm not much of a believer but this could be true. Happy Diwali everyone.

Versioning. The right way,

This happened 3 years ago in my previous company. It was a small start up company and we worked on PHP stack. One of the its ex-founders had written Windows Mobile App which now had to be upgraded with new features. So we hired this new dot net guy. I always thought dot net guys were ELITE coders and was excited to see how they work.
While I played Xbox and had fun, our dot net guy stuck to his workstation furiously working. My boss who was casually strolling out of his office for a stretch saw dot net guy working hard and suggested we all developers should take him as an example.
20 days went by and each day the dot net guy did the same. He came, he silently worked on his workstation, he left in the evening. In those 20 days my boss asked twice to the dot net guy if he has finished features he was assigned but he said he did not. After a month when he said the same negative answer and had nothing to show for the work he has done he was fired.
I was so curious to see what code that ELITE coder had written for a month but could not deliver a feature(Maybe some error he could not fix?). So I open the code repo on which he worked and I see 30 commits from that guy to it. He had made a single commit each day(Fair enough he wants to commit everday before leaving). It was time to check his commit diffs to see his ELITE code. What do I find? In every fucking commit he either added a blank line to the DocBlock or removed the same. Nothing less nothing more! So much for the hyped not-so-ELITE dot net guy...

Having a job helps a lot when you've just had a really bad breakup. The work distracts you from the shit you're going through for at least 10 hours everyday. But the weekends become really depressing.

Found this on Facebook... Should I be the one to tell them that apple didn't invent emoji and that the flags are all of countries?

I'm Australian and respect our natives but... Really?

The feeling I get after solving a bug that took me tons of hours to solve

Fucking shit i just had a 3 days chat with google's cloud engineer about an issue i had in a project. eventually the issue occured due to an update they made on some projects involving IAM changes that required some changes from my part in my security toles. Like wtf haven't you heard of data fixes when you roll out such changes?! I just had my production env down for 72hours for their fuckup.
At least send an email regarding it so we could set it up in time

Just fucked up two times in one week.

I was supposed to send alpha version of our app and also server configuration. I ended up sending configuration for completelly different server.

In second delivery i included correct configuration but forgot to include some jars ...

GOD is real... unless declared an integer

wk108 is truly wholesome. thank you all for making me smile.

Programming commandment: Thou shall not commit code snippet copied from StackOverflow without adding a comment to help future coder brethren!

You know what really grinds my gears? HTML.

Specifically the fact that browsers report no errors at all when it comes to HTML. They just try their best to render what they're given and if you get unexpected results? Fuck you.

Who is excited to watch Snowden movie with Joseph Gordon Levitt as Snowden?

Me on the inside whenever I hear the PM say quick and dirty

These days programming has boiled down to how optimally can you find solution to your problem using search tools!

!rant

The AH-MAZ-ING feeling you get when you write 200 lines of code without compiling and everything just works as planned!!!

YAY!

Colleague: We need to deliver it today so let's hardcode some values in the code to make it work
Me: Ok you do it. I don't even want to see it!

Buys a new 24in QHD display.
Runs for 16 days
Backlight is kaput.

FML.

Ranting ranter ranted a rant on ranting ranter ranting

Bae: i <3 u
Me: Uncaught SyntaxError: Unexpected identifier

This summer, i will have all the time in the world. I will be finally free (as in, alone at home). And, most importantly, i will have a months old kitten to take care of.

I'm so excited.

Programming commandment: Thou shall blame all bad code on thy comrade who has bequeathed your company!

Hello world.

just bought (rented) my first dedicated server, for flipping 10€/month. let's see how it goes! boy, am i excited for my new toy...

Boss: hey can you loop through all the entries in the data base (PHP) to make a menu of everything?

Me: me sure thing, shouldn't be a problem

10 min in playing with the database...and I remove the table...FUCK ME?!!??!!!

good thing we backed up the night before 😂😂

I tried so hard and debugged so far
But in the end it didn't even matter
As I rewrote function call to loose it all!

I think God is a developer. I have to say a most impressive feat, even for God, is the idiot algorithm. It has persisted through millennia of attempts to remove it, but it just keeps refining itself. While it's incredibly brief, its functions are yet to find an environment in which they cannot operate. It's full adaptable to any task, impressively modular, and self replicating.

No matter how what problem you present it with the idiot algorithm can always find a solution. It never leaves well enough alone. It can even give you an answer before everything is fully processed!

Just finished reviewing a 9700+ line PR. Next up: contemplating my life decisions.

When programming leads you to god. Or at least his classes.

We are all Dev (Sanskrit word for God)

I heard you guys do rubber duck debugging or something.

So I remember, several months ago I visited some town and bought this Ganesha (Hindu deity) figure from a local store.

I decide to put it on my desk until I get my rubber duck.

And surprisingly, I don't swear a lot today... Probably this god has just fix my manners....

Ransomware has the effect to destroying data and my will to live.

I come in to work yesterday to see everyone panicking. We got hit by WannaCry. The boss is with IT dealing with it and sends all of us home. No biggie, since all of my work data is backed up on an offsite server.

I come back into work to still see everyone in a frenzy. I think they are still overreacting to the attack, so I go to my corner in the office. I boot up to see the Ubuntu logo, which is a huge problem, not for me of course, but for everyone else who can barely work Windows. I barge in on my boss and ask him why the fuck is Ubuntu on the PC's.

He replies, "I looked it up, Linux is not affected by viruses".

What the fuck is wrong with people? After I tell him to revert back to Windows because he's being a fucking retard, he goes ahead to send all of us home.

I can only hope he doesn't install Zorin or Elementary because I will quit.

God is always watching you!

Excuse me, but isn't that a violation of my privacy? Or is God, the NSA? Or is NSA, the God?

I UNDERSTAND POINTERS (kind of) HAHAHAHA NOW I JUST NEED TO KNOW HOW TO USE THEM AND I WILL BE UNSTOPPABLE

Who needs windows update?

The feeling, when you learn about a new feature of the language, you've used for over 6 months.
The joy of learning something new,cool and useful mixed the pain, of knowing, you could have written your previous projects easier.

Oh my god. I woke up and read stan lee was rushed to the hospital. I was actually feeling horribly sad and then I read that he was in stable condition and was like heck yeah!!! No one taking him yet.

I just have been with my kid to a doctor. Got some meds and was ordered to pray to the god, was almost dragged into discussion after saying that this comment was improperiate.
Somebody just criticized me about bringing politics into discussion.

I'm from POLand.

Boss hired a freelancer to work on a new reporting dashboard. Freelancer also built a backed. Boss wants me to work on fixing that backend. I check out the DB first only to find plaintext passwords. I threw up a little.

Today I met a guy who fuckin remembers some shitty flag he had set in a code 10 years ago and can read code in his brain for anything he had coded.

Fuck you ass hole you got be shitting me, oh come on show me something fucker. You make me sick.

When you code and everything turns to gold

That's how you do it!!

Was going through old photos from university time and...I present to you the result of deadline + lack of sleep + boredom + shitty university project because somebody decided that CS folks needed to learn webdev in old ASP.NET.

Yes that is one query. I wrote the entire thing out as a string in my C# program in one go and tested it by running it from the program. Must've worked properly because I got them grades so eh. I recall I had one nested seven levels too (this is just 5) but I can't find a photo of it. These two queries did all the business logic. Yeah.

Apologies for the poor quality photo of the screen, I don't have the code so no screenshot, this is just from my photos archive

Like who the hell invented that work days start at 8 am? Can people actually concentrate from the moment they arrive at work? For me it is 9 am till I get some work done

Found God and his offline!

Zero Trust is also a technical term, and not just a factual description of my last relationship.

Isn’t it depressing to realize that every thing in life is just trillions upon trillions of if then statements?

When AM's message you directly rather than putting it in a task like they're supposed to

Checking out a project on GitHub:

> Using advanced condition-based AI logic, Compactor can skip over files that have been previously found to be incompressible, making re-running Compactor on a previously compressed folder much quicker.
> (Yes, it's an if statement and a trivial hash database, hush)

Spent 2 hours trying get ng-model working with <select> with no success. Then co worker came and changed model from string to object and moon walked back to his seat.

Amazon and their amazing services!

ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME, WINDOWS?

I finally give in and install your stupid ass update, and what happens? let's just skip the part where i sit around for 30 minutes because apparently it takes 30 fucking minutes to install 300MB - by stallman's underpants, that's 150KB per second!
and when windows FINALLY feels like it has finished fondling it's binary-balls, what is waiting for me?

about 10 stupid-ass data-consent notices straight from satans anus, more weird yes-or-maybe settings for cortana (bill gates' ex or whatever that is) which i don't even USE, my browser speed dial has been complemented by about 7 links to SHOPPING SITES and once i sort that mess out i get a notification that the german language pack has successfully been installed.
SUCK MY FUCKING D*CK MICROSOFT, the ONLY thing i want to do with that language pack is SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS. i can't even uninstall that moronic piece of shit. FUCK YOU.

First fucking thing in the morning.

A coder and a non-coder were travelling on a boat together. Due to some reason there was a hole in that boat and it started to drown. Non-coder survived but coder didn't. Why? Coder thought it was just another loop hole which he could fix using his laptop. So much for his confidence!

My god, using a VM on a 4k monitor is fucking nuts. The cursor's a fucking speck and the text is tiny as well. Jesus, XP is impossible to use like that!

Last month my phone (YU YUPHORIA) stopped booting up.. so I went the "customer service center" and asked the guy maybe he can install new software. He tried and said we can't repair it.
I love this phone not the best performance phone but I love it. So I don't want to throw it away. So yesterday night I started searching how to install custom ROMs. and found a development mode build for my device. After some tutorials and experiment it's up and running baby... 📱😍. Thank you internet for helping me..

Writing one dev-rant a day keeps dev-frustrations away!

I was kinda proud, when I released a new test version of my android app, since I had a couple of new features and bug fixes. As soon as I told a friend of mine about it he found a error that has never occured before in the method. This only happens in the release build. Why does it happen? BECAUSE SOME DAMM VIEWS WANT TO BE INITIALIZED AFTER DAMM THE APP HAS BEEN PAUSED/MINIMIZED

We have to use a API from a customer that requires the XML we send to be sorted in a certain way.

> open algo
> read 6 posts
> 3 are from newbies
...

jase, is that you?

Trying out pure functional programming in javascript. First few weeks: wow, this is so fresh, oop can die, etc. Now: this isn't readable at all! 😐

Ok this is a weird story.

So myself and two friends were working on a chrome extension several years ago, probably late high school/early college years.

So before any of us had seen the ballmer peak xkcd, I had discovered it on my own. I was telling my friend that we should start drinking because a)it's Saturday night, and b) I code better buzzed. So he decided to push the limits. He poured my drink super heavy, then another, then didn't finish his and insisted I did. He ended up getting me super drunk. I started going off on how they were doing it wrong, then took over the keyboard. What I wrote cannot even be considered code. I went on an incoherent rant, puked in a trash can, and then woke up in the bathroom with a towel as a pillow.

And that's the story of why my friends are convinced the ballmer peak is definitely not a thing.

I wish i were as good as people think I am.

username.....

does the -- button even get used? like, ever?

On the 8th day, God brought us coffee. And it was very good....

I was an introvert while growing up hence I found interacting with non-living things easier. When I was 11 i.e. like 17 years I told my parents to enroll me into computer classes. They didn't see much of a future in it so they refused. I fought hard and finally they agreed. Hence started my journey with computers.

First week all students were allowed to explore the computer we were assigned and also were taught to play basic Windows 95 default games to make it interesting. It was all fun. Next week the teacher said he would be teaching us how to tell computer to do what we want i.e. programming. Hearing that I could make my computer do what I want excited me a lot. I felt I could finally communicate to a computer. This is how I learnt BASIC. I was so amazed I could do so many things like take input and do calculations etc. I decided I would do this kind of job in the future if it exists.

So now I am actually doing what I wanted to do when I started programming i.e. coding job!

how many remember playing Prince of Persia this way. prince.exe megahit

Worst interview was when I attended interview for the position of PHP and the interviewer started grinding me with C++ questions starting with STLs. Could not answer most of them, interviewer said to get my act together and try again after 3 months. Nope not gonna happen!