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The CEO asks God:
"God, how much time do you need to create the earth?"
God: "uh, 10 billion years I think"
CEO: " You have only 7 days. Well 6, the last one is to fix everything gone wrong after deploying"
And here we are6 -
note to self: do not use super glue on your keyboard
note to self part two: do not listen to the internet and use nail polish remover to get super glue off your keyboard
14 -
My fiancée was complaining about how one of her classes at the University requires using a PC to run some obscure program so she would have to study in the library as she has a Mac. I asked if she wanted me to spin up a Windows VM. After explaining what that means she freaked out saying "You can do that?!". Yes. Because I am part God.10
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Only God and I knew what I was doing, writing uncommented code in C a year ago.
Now, only God knows.2 -
In India we don't go rubber duck debugging. We debug with God 😂😂😂 (For non Indians that is Ganesha, one of the famous Hindu god. Said to be the god of knowledge and hence engineering by extension )
18 -
I spent about 5 hours today coding and I was totally in the zone. I'm talking things were working properly, tests were passing, bugs were being squashed all over the place. It was completely amazing, I felt like a god ruling over my code kingdom.
After about 5 straight hours I realized that I needed food so I got up, stretched my legs and had some dinner. Well I sat back down about an hour ago and I am SO far out of the zone. Everything is breaking, I can't focus and I have no idea why. My kingdom was overrun with a plague of bugs in just the short time I paused to eat.
Moral of the story: when you get in the zone don't stop for anything even if it seems like basic human necessity. After all we aren't human when we're in the zone, we are coding gods.6 -
With all this emoji code bullshit flying around in here.
I thought I would test my luck and make what I think would be the worst possible end result of this.
<?php
define("😂","God help me");
define("🤡",100);
for($🍔 = 0; $🍔 <= 🤡; $🍔++){
echo 😂."\n";
}
?>
This will execute and run on PHP7.1 😱
Now let’s all band together and kill emojicode before it becomes a thing we will regret!11 -
So I was studying for a test using a quizlet my social studies teacher made, and I came across this gem. 99% sure my social studies teacher didn't read what it said/understand what it means.
9 -
Possibly the best comment I have ever encountered:
//When I wrote this, only God and I understood what I was doing
//Now, God only knows3 -
Hunted a bug for 8 hours, thinking it was a problem in my code....
Found out it was someone else's code generator that injected the bug...
Contacted the concerned dev... Had to convince him for another 3 hours that it was his change to the code that caused the issue. He is still sure that his change can't break the code...... What the fuck are you..? A fucking God programmer who never makes mistakes??
I mean how hard is it to just accept when I just proved it to you??6 -
I sometimes encounter developers who try to be serious all the time and be super rational at everything and have a pride in never smiling. One time my friend was crying and her dev boyfriend went like "I am a developer and I think rational, the way you think about X........." Dude shut the fuck up and hug her! Nobody gives a fuck about you being a RoboCop right now. The fact that you lack emphaty and emotional capacity doesnt make you a mighty god, it makes you a fucking asshole.4
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With time, I have come to the realisation that when a person says he knows C++. He's either a noob or god!3
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Possibly the best comment I have ever encountered:
// When I wrote this, only God and I understood what I was doing
// Now, God only knows -
I just experienced the opposite of rant.
I spent 1 entire day ranting about a algorithm I couldn't write with no issues, it occupied all my mind and got me pissed of.
And today, I rewrote it entirely, and it works perfectly everywhere.
I was like : "No it can't work here. Oh ok", "And here's the bug ! No ? Nice.", "Don't tell me it'll work here. I'm a God".
That's why I love being a dev :D
Thank you, you freaking problem I had !7 -
oh god. I just heard an abrupt noise emit from a pc I was told to fix that could only be described as R2-D2 fucking a 56k modem5
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Why must I always have great ideas for my projects and have the code in my head when I'm out for dinner with family and drinking, whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy8
-
This is how I feel while coding a system whitout tdd or any kind of tests, and it's the company's major system... Anyone else?
4 -
Once upon a time I was program'n, but then the POTATO GOD said unto me, PROGRAM FASTER MY CHILD. And I did so.3
-
[God creating manager]
God: Take a blood sucking Dracula
Angel: okay
God: Wrap in a human costume
Angel: wait, is that legal?
God: Now make it dumb
Angel: -_-
God: Throw it between intelligent people
Angel: Is everything alright at your home?8 -
I've taken over a project with legacy code, this is one of the methods:
private bool areEqual(string value1, string value2)
{
return value1 == value2;
}
Also, the opening brackets are on a new line10 -
Check out the revision history of this ~humble~ answer in stackoverflow for a good laugh: http://stackoverflow.com/posts/...
2 -
I installed ArchLinux on my smartphone thanks to termux, and now i kinda feel like a god, but don't know what to do.
I'm bored.
9 -
Oh God, oh fuck!! My bank!! That I don't bank with. It's DIsaBlEd!!!!! OH GOD OH FUcK MY MONEY!!! This is terrible, take my password!!!!! Have it!! I need to RESET THE DAMAGE OH GOD
6 -
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU ???
Galaxy S8 5.8" Quad HD+ Super AMOLED (2960x1440)
570 ppi
Galaxy S8+ 6.2" Quad HD+ Super AMOLED (2960x1440)
529 ppi
oh my fucking god, what kind of retard decided this ?
This resolution is waaaaay too much. It impacts performance and battery life a fuck ton and gives you absolutely nothing in return. I would be cordially surprised if there was someone in the world who could see more than 400 ppi. 300 is more than enough for most of the people.
God these fucks are annoying with their retarded marketing. And even more so, the people who buy these phones, because phone manufacturers can and will continue doing so.
Flagship my ass.15 -
Once again, I was lazily internetting and then there it was..
Some wild JavaScript lurking behind an ad.
God bless ads, God bless JavaScript.
20 -
Found this gem 😂
TRANSLATION
Java for believing programmers
For who?
Young male,
which want to pray together,
and at the same time make first
steps in programming
How old you need to be?
Up to 25 years
What do you need?
Holy Bible
Laptop
*you just need 500 mb RAM and WinXP
6 -
That moment when you have refactored so much shit, then really broken the project, but can't see yourself doing a git revert because you had invested so much time and know ultimately it *needs* these changes...
Thank god I fixed it! 😌3 -
1. Understand APIs without reading documentation.
2. Write correct code from first try.
3. Know to program in every language.
4. Create the perfect fully functional AI system.
5. Center objects vertically with one line CSS at target object.3 -
!rant
To the Devs at OnePlus,
Who ever wrote the code that lets me swap the 'back' and 'show recent apps' buttons so they're like my old phone.... You're a fucking god1 -
If god was a programmer, do you think he made us like
int sex = rand()% 2+1;
if (sex == 1){
std::cout << “it’s a girl!”;
}
else if (sex == 2){
std::cout << “its a boy!”;
}17 -
In just one week I have to make two presentations for my class, first one talk about open source and why everyone should use it and in the second one I have to explain how Git works and why it is so helpful for common projects.
It feels like God gave me an essential mission for life2 -
when you find a tool or library that does exactly what you need, but it's not documented at all
or worse, when it's "cross-platform" but all the build/install steps are made assuming you're using a Mac
"brew install my-shiny-metal-ass"3 -
who ever this is, you're spam. first off, i've been on devRant for almost three years now, so i'm not a newbie. second, you're a bot made for the sole purpose of giving ++'s, which is like the dictionary definition of spam. i think you should be banned, and i'd like to hear dfox and other's opinion on this.
50 -
God hail @ScribeofGod to comment the following link on all rants mentioning about ++ conversion to binary 😂😂
https://devrant.com/rants/1311206/...2 -
what kind of dumb fuck you have to be to get the react js dev job in company that has agile processes if you hate the JS all the way along with refusing to invest your time to learn about shit you are supposed to do and let's add total lack of understanding how things work, specifically giving zero fucks about agile and mocking it on every occasion and asking stupid questions that are answered in first 5 minutes of reading any blog post about intro to agile processes? Is it to annoy the shit out of others?
On top of that trying to reinvent the wheels for every friggin task with some totally unrelated tech or stack that is not used in the company you work for?
and solution is always half-assed and I always find flaw in it by just looking at it as there are tons of battle-tested solutions or patterns that are better by 100 miles regarding ease of use, security and optimization.
classic php/mysql backend issues - "ooh, the java has garbage collector" - i don't give a fuck about java at this company, give me friggin php solution - 'ooh, that issue in python/haskel/C#/LUA/basically any other prog language is resolved totally different and it looks better!' - well it seems that he knows everything besides php!
Yeah we will change all the fucking tech we use in this huge ass app because your inability to learn to focus on the friggin problem in the friggin language you got the job for.
Guy works with react, asked about thoughts on react - 'i hope it cease to exists along with whole JS ecosystem as soon as possible, because JS is weird'. Great, why did you fucking applied for the job in the first place if it pushes all of your wrong buttons!
Fucking rockstar/ninja developers! (and I don't mean on actual 'rockstar' language devs).
Also constantly talks about game development and we are developing web-related suite of apps, so why the fuck did you even applied? why?
I just hate that attitude of mocking everything and everyone along with the 'god complex' without really contributing with any constructive feedback combined with half-assed doing something that someone before him already mastered and on top of that pretending that is on the same level, but mainly acting as at least 2 levels above, alas in reality just produces bolognese that everybody has to clean up later.
When someone gives constructive feedback with lenghty argument why and how that solution is wrong on so many levels, pulls the 'well, i'm still learning that' card.
If I as code monkey can learn something in 2 friggin days including good practices and most of crazy intricacies about that new thing, you as a programmer god should be able to learn it in 2 fucking hours!
Fucking arrogant pricks!8 -
I think God is a developer. I have to say a most impressive feat, even for God, is the idiot algorithm. It has persisted through millennia of attempts to remove it, but it just keeps refining itself. While it's incredibly brief, its functions are yet to find an environment in which they cannot operate. It's full adaptable to any task, impressively modular, and self replicating.
No matter how what problem you present it with the idiot algorithm can always find a solution. It never leaves well enough alone. It can even give you an answer before everything is fully processed!4 -
Oh my god. I woke up and read stan lee was rushed to the hospital. I was actually feeling horribly sad and then I read that he was in stable condition and was like heck yeah!!! No one taking him yet.
-
Today I met a guy who fuckin remembers some shitty flag he had set in a code 10 years ago and can read code in his brain for anything he had coded.
Fuck you ass hole you got be shitting me, oh come on show me something fucker. You make me sick.8 -
Was going through old photos from university time and...I present to you the result of deadline + lack of sleep + boredom + shitty university project because somebody decided that CS folks needed to learn webdev in old ASP.NET.
Yes that is one query. I wrote the entire thing out as a string in my C# program in one go and tested it by running it from the program. Must've worked properly because I got them grades so eh. I recall I had one nested seven levels too (this is just 5) but I can't find a photo of it. These two queries did all the business logic. Yeah.
Apologies for the poor quality photo of the screen, I don't have the code so no screenshot, this is just from my photos archive
4 -
Finally got ps5 in India for ₹49999. The amount of time I refreshed the website and subscribed to bot for restock notification was very high.
Kind of disappointed with ps5 color. Its not white but kind of grey color.
Everything else is top notch. Currently playing god of war 2018.
9 -
I just have been with my kid to a doctor. Got some meds and was ordered to pray to the god, was almost dragged into discussion after saying that this comment was improperiate.
Somebody just criticized me about bringing politics into discussion.
I'm from POLand.3 -
My god, using a VM on a 4k monitor is fucking nuts. The cursor's a fucking speck and the text is tiny as well. Jesus, XP is impossible to use like that!7
-
That moment when another dev has no idea what he is talking about but tries to convince you that what he says is the best way to do things.
How did it all ended up here?2 -
!rant
I don't want to seem like a huge noob and a douche... but I spent like 5 hours the other day working on a bash script prompting you if you want to delete each individual user on the system (keep in mind that I'm fairly new to bash) and when I got the code correct... holy shit... I felt like a fucking god.1 -
When I first started getting interest in server side programming, I remember I felt like god with all those possibilities!
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If you believe in God then you should afraid of AI. Because things you create doesn't mean it won't destroy your other creations.3
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Hey google, stop automatically opening apps after they are updated on my android. It makes me want to kill somebody 😡6
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Helped a colleague today with finding the reason why everything was lowercase after a release. Turns out another colleague made a SQL upgrade script two months ago the did REPLACE(lower(value)... Found it in 10 minutes, saved a lot of time on debugging and still got scolded for working to long on another ticket...
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"Whenever there is a decline in quality of code and rise of bugs and errors oh dear coder, I manifest to show the path of bug and error free coding" said code-god
- Chapter 1 Verse 1, Code Gita -
Bruh....ig this is a bit too much but relatable to real life...
God is the best programmer....
lol
5 -
It depends! if u want the framework to be God then use Django, but if you want to be the God, then use Flask(but make sure you're a real God)
15 -
Half a year or so ago I threw together a quick site for an old teacher of mine. Got a bit of cash for it and all was good. Now he needs a few changes, plus a whole new interactive page. Oh well... I restructured the whole thing and wrote a bare bones templating system in PHP. It can parse markdown files, so now he can fix his own fucking spelling errors. So now the shitty piece of crap is maintainable. Thanks fucking God for that.
-
Hot reload blows my mind. It's so good, time efficient and beautiful. Why doesn't those pesky doorsaledmen advertise this?
Jehovas witnesses are praying to the wrong God! -
God bless PHP
God bless Excel
God bless Visual Basic
God bless JavaScript
God bless jQuery
God bless Python 2
God bless Perl
God bless Bash
---
God, destroy React
God, destroy Vue
God, destroy Angular
God, destroy Java
God, destroy Next.js
God, destroy Rust
God, destroy Go
God, destroy Kubernetes
God, destroy Docker
God, destroy Flutter18 -
What if all devs worked together to create a programmed God which only obeys devs? And hates bosses....
I think we can do it guys!
Ps. Bagsie not dealing with merge conflicts.10 -
There are days you feel like a God and there days you have no idea what you are doing in the dev space.
All in all perseverance with a whimsical tone -
Support Ticket:
"OMG I DON"T SEE THE NEW THING YOU SAID WAS THERE!?!?!!? OH GAWD WHY WHY WHY!!!!"
setTimeout(fuckingActuallyLookThisTime(), 3600000)
"Oh never mind I found it."
God damn people, put some minimal effort in before you fire up tickets and emails or whatever.2 -
My laptop is having some power issues and it often turns off randomly.
Last time, it happened while running some git stuff and since git didn't finish properly, the whole git directory fucked up: I could not do anything with git anymore.
Later I find this dude: https://stackoverflow.com/a/...
If you're in here, Nathan VanHoudnos, just know that you save more lives than any politician1 -
Oh god why!?
Somehow I decided that it would be nice to have a proper spell&grammar checker in VS Code for me and my friends to write our reports in Latex with.
Decided I wanted multiple language support, so I turned to language tool.
GOD is this thing slow as a very unmotivated snail!
3s to process 9 phrases!? And then add one second to pack the results in a JSON string!? An option that I'm still very grateful exists, but why the fuck would you disallow line-by-line processing, which you expressly recommend for IDEs, and which cuts processing time by 30%, when JSON output is asked!?
Well, serves me right for thinking for even a second that a Java program could have decent performance...
This whole thing is starting to look like it's not gonna be nearly as fun ss I anticipated it to be.2 -
So IV been spending quite a lot of time recently chasing my new career as a developer. But today I took a step back from everything and realised something quite important. A job title doesn't make you a developer. If you enjoy coding and have a genuine passion for it then you are already a developer. Just keep doing what you enjoy the most and fuck everyone else.
-
There is a serious possibility that our team will need to deploy into prod on a Friday because of a regulatory deadline and 3rd parties not being ready.
God help us -
I spent the whole day of yesterday trying to install the windows anniversary update after a clean Windows installation. Every time i tried to update it would go through 30% completion and then... BSOD, claiming that i didnt had a boot device. WUT? Anyway, after 5h of research and no success, i created a bootable usb installer and tried to install Windows 10 Education (which is my license). After the 1st restart... Error: Windows could not complete the installation. OH GOD WHY ME? After another hour i figured it out. Somehow i needed to install the version Windows Home and after the installation update to Student. DAMN WHAT A DAY...2
-
The Catholic head-quarters are at the same place as the Mafia's origin.
How do we know that the Catholic is not a Mafia racket?
How do we tell which is older?
Why are their organizational structure so similar?
You know like the God-Father and the Pope.1 -
Rant story
Software engineering teacher gave me a bunch of topics to elaborate on. One of them was "the idea of black box testing", so I wrote down the idea of black box testing.
Teacher - this is very incomplete, you did not specify what types there are and for which systems they should be used!
Me- But it just says "the idea" and I did write down the idea of it
Teacher- yes, but it is very incomplete
God damn I wanted to punch her face. Some fucking teachers1 -
FOR FUCKS SAKE. I HAVE THE RIGHT URL FOR THE SQL DATABASE. WHY WON'T IT SHOW SAID DATABASE IN THE SERVLET FROM THE URL!!!! It conects to IntelliJ without any issue, so why isn't the servlet running it?
God am I really going to go to stackoverflow for help? I need sleep.1 -
Oh god no anything but this
(Seriously now, the reason is a bit complicated because Swift is different but focus on the meme, if you want an explanation I will give it to you in the comments lol)
3 -
Why the heck does everyone thnk it's a good idea to run docker Containers inside a vm?
Or Containers in general...
This is unneeded redundancy and it kills the performance aspect, which makes containers favorable in comparison to vms...3 -
They asked me to maintain the site from our scouting group.
Now all these people think I'm a God, it have to admit it feels good. -
I just used `git add --patch` for the first time and I feel like a git god!
(No, my text editor was not giving me enough control over the hunks.) -
When I see a blog post advertising “best practice for _____” but you didn’t write it, and I’m pretty sure I’ve been using it longer than your company has existed” ... I feel angry and don’t trust what you say, even if you’re right. You can share what your experience has been, but nobody died and made you god of the technology.3
-
If someday god lands on earth, How are we even gonna explain him binary? Won't he need extra tuitions for learning all these concepts?
Or maybe he's just gonna yell fuck this shit, I'm going back home!3 -
Our DB teacher always told us about God (Codd) doin some Join(t)s. He spoke very slowly. Must have been kinda disturbing for normal people...
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"If you think it would be cute to align all of the equals signs in your code, if you spend time configuring your window manager or editor, if put unicode check marks in your test runner, if you add unnecessary hierarchies in your code directories, if you are doing anything beyond just solving the problem - you don't understand how fucked the whole thing is. No one gives a fuck about the glib object model.
The only thing that matters in software is the experience of the user."
— Ryan Dahl (https://tinyclouds.org/rant.html)6 -
Ohh my god am tired of TTY on this or god or god , shut them Mort shoot they don't feel pain shoot em do their bad programmers shoot them fast
-
I just wanna be at the point in the future where I can play drinking sports like disc golf and smoke fat doinks for an entire week if I want to. I want to become a God.1
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What's the moment when you type at god speed?
mine : during vcs commit and push*
*considering not to resolving merge conflict.1
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