A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. ♨💨🎈

He reduces height and spots a man down below.

He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions,

"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says:

"Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."

The man below replies, "You must work in management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"

"Well", says the man “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

So because of the sheer number of interviews I’ve been doing I’m starting to get a bit brazen with them since I’ve started to really not give a fuck about most of them and I’ve started to notice patterns in common lines of questioning resulting in this unexpected gem today:

Interviewer: So we always start our devs off on the bottom end of our salary band.

Dev: Either give me the top or I’m not interested.

Interviewer: 😡. But if we start you at the top of the salary band we’ll have nothing to give you later. 🥺.

Dev: No need, I’ll take the money up front. Companies don’t give raises these days anyway, it’s just a carrot to dangle in front of the naive.

Interviewer: 😡. Well if all you care about is money so focussed on money you’ll just leave if a better offer comes around!

Dev: All the more reason to give me the highest number possible to defend against that possibility.

Interviewer: 😡. But there are other devs on the team with similar experience that will be making less than you.

Dev: Sounds like they fell for the negging and guilt tripping you are currently attempting on me in order to save a buck. Salary is not based on your skills or experience anymore, it’s based on your ability to negotiate. Here’s mine.

Interviewer: ………………. I’ll pass you along to the hiring manager.

Dev: ???? wtf

HOW THE FUCK DID THAT ACTUALLY WORK ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME I WAS TRYING TO GET THEM TO HANG UP FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES AND NOW I’M LOOKING AT A 20K RAISE ALL BECAUSE I CONTINUALLY TOLD THEM TO GO FUCK THEMSELVES??? THIS IS ACTUALLY WHAT IT TAKES TO BE TREATED PROPERLY BY A COMPANY???

Over the course of a few months, I began to suspect my manager disliked me on a personal level. I decided to be proactive and invited him to a meeting on "Improving our working relationship" - he showed up 5 minutes late and fired me.

I just wrote 80+ lines of tests for a 30 line module and I was really mad at myself for wasting my time like that, until I remembered that while writing those tests I did actually catch several really tricky bugs and it didn't even take that long.

Today I discovered that we have a CSV export button for an order transaction system, on a page which is completely disconnected from the rest of the website.

It is only being called by an internal server, used by our Data department.

They run selenium to click the button.

Then they import the CSV into a database.

That database is accessed by an admin panel.

That admin panel has an excel export button.

Which is clicked by our CFO. But he got bored of clicking, so he uses IFTTT to schedule a download of the XLS and import it in Google Sheets.

That sheet uses a Salesforce data connector.

Marketing then sends email campaigns based on that Salesforce data...

😒

3 SQL Databases went into a NoSQL Bar.
After a while, they walked out because
.
.
They couldn't find tables there.

DO NOT let employers demoralize you into staying with the company.

I've been with this one company for about 2 years. Everything was great, despite being underpaid, and having a lot of responsibility (I was the only front-end developer maintaining 4 big eCommerce sites).
One day about 2 months ago, I got a better offer. Better pay, more freedom, and way less stress (Customers screaming in your ear vs. no customers at all).

I talked to my team lead since I wanted my company to have a fair chance to counteroffer - I was fairly comfortable after all, and I felt like it would be a nice gesture.
If my team lead had just said "No, sorry, we can't counter that offer", there's a big chance that I would have stayed with them anyway. Instead, I got a fairly uncomfortable and personal rant thrown back at me.

He basically said that I should be happy with my salary, that he didn't feel like I had much responsibility, and that "I wasn't the type of person companies would hire for that salary".
He ended by saying I might as well stay, as there was no going back if the new place didn't work out - basically trying to tempt me with job security.

I told him that I would think about it. The worst part is that I actually did, since his rant really made me feel somewhat worthless as a developer. Luckily I came to my senses, and sent my resignation the next day.

I talked to an old coworker today, and they are still unable to find a developer who wants to take the job. I see that as justice :)

tl;dr: If a company tries to make you stay by demoralizing you - Run.

Designer: can we put the popup at the top of the screen?

Me: You mean op top of the navigation?

Designer: Yeah.

Me: I sure can. Would be stupid to block off the site navigation with a popup, but definately possible.

Designer: Cool, let me know when done!

Me: ....

Me: I am done.

Designer: Well now I can't click on the navigation anymore.

Me: That's correct. Let me know when you want to change it again.

The more I work here the clearer it gets:
I just fucking can't make websites anymore.
I totally can't work on graphics, I can't transform a PSD into responsive HTML.

I fucking despise CSS, computers having different resolutions, having different browsers, doing mobile, doing iOS/safari which is always something extra.

I'm tired of not getting the appropriate resources and then people asking me why it just doesn't look the same.

BECAUSE IT'S NOT MY FUCKING JOB! I MAKE STUFF WORK, I DON'T MAKE IT LOOK PRETTY, I HATE PRETTY THINGS

My classmate is a real SAVAGE!!

He (team leader) and his team participated in hackathons several times and kept losing.
He noticed something common about winning team, majority of those team members were women, even if they were non technical and their project was pure bs, they were winning in the name of women empowerment.

This time he came out with a plan, he fired his boys and invited women into his team, and even made one girl the team leader.
Result? HE WON!!!
NOT ONE BUT THREE HACKATHONS BACK TO BACK

AND

His so called women team was invited by Google to pitch their startup idea.

Now, if they gets funding, he's gonna kick out these women and bring back his teammates

continued…
I'm In Canada. A woke HR lady hires an African guy despite him plagiarizing code and lying through an interview. First day he surfs soccer websites so I confront it and HR lady basically calls me a racist and to watch my back.

A second African new-hire comes into the office today and he seems quite capable in an area of specialization for our team. So I ask if we can have him on our team because he has skills. The exec decides to look at the costing for him and goes, "HOLY SHIT WHY ARE WE PAYING ANYONE THAT MUCH?" She looks at the résumé of the new guy and finds out that he is only at intermediate level in his specialization. So I say, "It could be worse. The other guy flat out lied through his interview and he got hired anyway." I forward the emails where I recommended against hiring the other guy and why.

My exec, who is a company stakeholder, opens the pricing list for recent hires. It is obvious that if you are not not white you get paid way above market value for your skill level. Exec is pissed off on a level I never knew was possible.

We make a call from the board room only to find out that the head of HR (also an executive) is driving this. My exec tells me to give her the room. The yelling was so loud everyone could hear what was said from outside the boardroom. At one point the HR lady says, "Just because we could get them cheaper doesn't mean that we should… We pay that much because it is 'the right thing to do'." My executive goes completely silent for a few seconds then in a super aggressive way says.

"…I am going to have your FUCKING head for this. Then I will make sure that you NEVER get a job in HR again for the rest of my natural life. ONLY ONE of us will survive this. YOU are the one pissing away profit. So get ready because I'm going to drown you and your team like a bag full of unwanted puppies." Then she hung up the Polycom. She came out about a minute later and kicked the office manager out of his office and sat there all day making calls and sending emails.

https://devrant.com/rants/2337768/...

We have a bunch of white people in human resources that are trying to hire "diverse" people because the company sets HR diversity targets. Which is an inherently racist way of hiring someone.

I am told to interview this guy who claims to have Angular experience. Before the interview I ask to see a form that he has built in Angular. He sends me a repo which is ripped off of an open source project and has the readme and git commits removed. A quick web search shows that it isn't his work. He shows up to the interview and I find out he is from a Southern African country. I deliberately ask some questions about code that I can see he didn't write that I prepared ahead of time. He lies to me and tells me all about how he wrote it which showed me that he has no idea what the code does. I tell HR they better not hire him because he was very comfortable lying to me, and I'm confident that he doesn't understand any of the code that he showed me. I do not trust this guy and would never choose to work with him. HR lady says "Ah okay."

Today he walks in with a big grin on his face. HR lady fucking hired this guy. I can see his monitors from my desk and he spent his whole first day looking at a soccer website on his second monitor. I call up HR, "Why would you even ask me to interview him if you refuse to listen to my feedback?". Lady tells me "You need to be open minded about diversity. Probably most of the things you observed were either cultural differences or language barrier." I tell her definitely not. He lied to me multiple times, and he took credit for other people's work." She tells me that they will keep an eye on me because I'm not being open to diversity.

Are you kidding me? This white lady is literally stereotyping me as a racist because I'm white.

So this fucking HR lady called me a racist because she decided to hire someone that we shouldn't trust. Then she put this asshat on my project. Now I have to be cautious about my position because HR is "watching" my racist ass. Even though I am literally the only one on the development team that is white and speaks English as my first-language. I called a team meeting before the on-boarding is over so I can tell the other developers what is happening. We restructured our code review process so that I will never give him feedback. Then when the time comes that he slips up the "diverse" developers will kick him out so I won't be reprimanded as a "racist".

This company that I work for is a special kind of stupid.

Me, a junior dev: * reports an important issue and a possible fix *

Senior dev 1: nah, it'll do just fine.

Senior dev 2: that won't be an issue, don't you see? It's under control, man.

Senior 3: why are you even here? Why are you even talking?

Manager: yeah, what could possibly go wrong?

* a year after releasing the product, one of the seniors got fired and another one was hired *

New senior: this thing is bananas, code is inconsistent and there's memory leaks everywhere, how does that even work?

Me: nobody believed me when I said that.

Manager: it did work very well, where's the issue?

Me: it's everywhere, goddammit! Don't you see?

New senior: junior dev is right.

Me: I've been a WHOLE YEAR saying that!

Manager: did you? Really? Nah, you didn't.

...

I'm tired of this shit.

Client: The webpage has been inaccessible all weekend!!

Me: Oh you mean the page you need to have a VPN connection to access?

Client: Yes that one!

Me: Are you connected to the VPN?

Client: Oh...no I'm not. *connects to VPN* Its working now.

Me: "We should remove that popup"

Marketer: "But our A/B testing statistics show a 14% increase in signups to our newsletter, and people who get our newsletter are 4% more likely to buy something"

Me: "0.14x0.04... so slightly more than half a percent improvement. And you also qualitatively measured how many people decide to never visit the page again, just because of that popup? Did you measure the how many internet users with adblockers run into a broken webpage? Did you measure the amount of emails to support from users who can't unsubscribe from the newsletter because there is no unsubscribe link?"

Marketer: "Why would they want to unsubscribe? The newsletter adds value to our users!"

Me: 😩

😂😂😂😂

Too much work kills your brain cells.

When you have a million things to do but CS memes are life :)

Excuse me boss!

During increment time
Boss : There are 50 bricks on an Plane. If u drop 1 outside. How many
are left?

Employee : That's easy, 49.

Boss : What are the three steps to put an elephant into a fridge?

Employee : Open the fridge. Put the elephant in. Close the fridge

Boss : What are the four steps to put a deer into the fridge?

Employee : Open the fridge. Take the elephant out. Put the deer in. Close the fridge.

Boss : It's lion's birthday, all animals are there except one, why?

Employee : Because the deer is in the fridge.

Boss : How does an old woman cross a swamp filled with crocodiles?

Employee : She crosses it because the crocodiles are at the lion's birthday

Boss : Last question. In the end the old lady still died. Why?

Employee : Er....I guess she drowned....err...

Boss : No! She was hit by the brick fallen from the Plane that's the problem, you are not focused on your job....You may leave now!!!

Moral: If your boss has decided to screw u, no matter How much u prepare u will be screwed.

Hahaha 😂😂

Gillette Excel

"Hey, you know Binary Search Trees?" "Say no more."

Developers be like:

The opposite job..

We've all been there

This is what most people do... lol 😂😂😂😂 😂

Devrant mentioned in our Databases course! 😱

URL shortening at it's best

Got hacked in a day after deploying my first site. 😑 I just started developing. Well, I am thankful for that person to point it out to me otherwise I wouldn't have known.

Don't be like jimmy... test before committing! 😋