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Had this a few days ago. You know how we all have our reflexes?
Client emailed that a few sites weren't working. I always, always look at the links but that's slowly eradicating because it becomes an automated thing.
Sound was on (only headphones luckily).
*wild webpage (literally) with webcam girls/shows renders and starts playing sound*
😐 😰 😱 😵 😆 😅
My reflexes then made me go "FUCK FUCK FUCK HOLD ON CRAP FUCKING FUUUUUCK" (you can also take that literally in this context, yes) aaaaaand I somehow automatically closed the whole browser with ctrl+q.
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*wipes sweat off forehead*
That went alright 😅10
Look... I know I'm just a newbie. I started a year ago as a junior. Sure. No one wants to do code review, so I got chosen to do it. People don't like it when their code gets criticised. And you know what? I get it, I should probably be a bit nicer with my comments. I should not suggest I'll make a fork and split internal library into two streams if things continue this way. I should not ask questions that can be understood as me being passive-aggressive.
But holy fucking shit, you're a senior developer. Don't treat Java as a fucking scripting language. Don't have a method that has 600 lines of code, because you're repeating the code! You've already copy pasted this shit, and modified it slightly. Like, couldn't you have created some architecture around the code? How can a senior dev copy-paste code?
Oh and why the fuck did you create a new utility class for functionality I already provide? Look, I admit, yours is a lot better, ok? It has extra functionality. But why the fuck didn't you enhance my utility class? Why did you create a new one? Did you just not want to touch my code, or did you not see it right below your newly created class?
Am I the only one who fucking cares about maintainable code in this company? When I got hired, I was in tears by how frustrating a lot of the things were. No documentation anywhere, not even fucking comments. No processes in place. Want to do something? Source code is your documentation. Fuck you! I busted my ass of to force everyone to document every little bullshit, to re-factor their MRs that I reviewed, and I won't let even a senior fucking dev pollute the code base!
( rant || !rant ) && idiots
console.info( this.isLongRant );
console.warn( "contains strong language and wordpress" );
A friend of mine sent two of his "friends" to me because they wanted me to build a website for their new business (~idea).
So I had a meeting with them.
First of all they wanted me to have a look on the current (work in progress) site.
First impression of the frontend:
Well, imagine this:
- a 90s/2k background (dotted/pixelated cloud in baby-blueish as backgroud with repeat)
- the logo was made by the sister of one of the guys, it wasn't too bad, but badly aligned, asymmetrical
- some obvious $offTheShelfShopPlugin with $randomStockContent
- the fucking slider had a small loading bar to indicate changes, it appears like an hyperanxious child on ADHS
- below the logo TWO FUCKING GIF SPINNERS to indicate nothing else but how fucking brain amputated these two dudes are, including the dev who is responsible for adding this. (to this point, they only told me, that a webagency did the setup and some basic work on the site, more on that later)
- no styling concept at all, random fonts and stuff everywhere including default styles of the shop plugin.
- FUUUUUCK WTF wil come furtherin this meeting?
After seeing a pile of binary puke fisted out of a 60yo nonstop-intern who changed his jobtitle from dildo-traveling-salesman to fullstack-frontend-dev by wrinting it on a post-it-note, I imagined, there has to be something wrong with the backend as well.
Boy was I right!
Yes, you guessed it! A random Wordpress adminpanel login appeared! OH NO....
I really wanted to levae this meeting immediately.
I was not able to hold my disgust back and I told them right in their face, what a shit pile of nutty squirrel turds this current page is. And that Wordpress is not the right choice at all for a shop.
Then came the best part: They basically told me, that they terminated the previous contract with the webagency because they were too expensive (they are cheap, compared to others, I know people who know their prices) and that they wanted to create A BIG MARKETPKACE with multiple ressellers who can have their shop in their website. Something similar to FUCKING AMAZON. ON FUCKING WORDPRESS!?!?!?
They even asked me if I wanted to be their partner & developer and that they can't pay much at the moment until the marketplace starts to grow.
I more or less told them to go fuck themselves with a rusty pitchfork.2
FUUUCK I HATE FUCKING WORDPRESS AND PHP!!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
I didnt change anyfuckingthing and everything went to shit! FUCK! FUCK YOU FUCKING FUUUUUCK!24
The entire fucking internet is an unusable pile of shit. Why is it that every time I click on LITERALLY ANY link on google and I start reading, 2 seconds later the text shifts to an other location because the fucking font loads, 3 seconds later it fucking moves again because a god damn ad just loaded above it, and after all the loading bullshit is done it shoves a fucking cookie banner (that usually covers half the page) and a fucking newsletter popup in my face. This makes it literally impossible to quickly read someting on a website without interruption. It's fucking 2020 and we bout to put a fucking man on mars, yet the technology still isn't advanced enough to make the internet less fucking annoying.12
fuck you, man. eat a bag of dicks, a bag of shit and a shit load of dead animals.. you dumb fucking cunt ... go and die ... who the fuck modifies state of 3rd party object and think it is ok to do so.. the fucking prick deserves to get castrated with rusty, old school, gardening scissors...
through some mysterious, obfuscated, buried deep in the asshole code, the fucker decided to set a user-specific value in the default query params of guzzle so that every fucking object using it passes the fucking thing around like a cheap hooker at a dorm party... causing the API calls to misbehave because of the fucking thing.
you send the parameters you want to send but mister sucking-dick-up-the-ass-smarty-pants decided you don't want to do that and because of that I almost broke a core library a week before a fucking major feature release because half the functionality got broken automagically, worst thing is I have no fucking clue where the bloody thing gets inserted ...
I swear if you do that I will find you and I will get a rusty razor to cut your balls into paste and rectally infuse them untill your shit start to come out of every oriphise of your fucking empty head8
What.. the actual... fuuuuuck?!
Browsing through changes on TFS (yeah, yeah boo me for using TFS instead of git if you like, I don't care, most people use/prefer TFS here, so I conform 'to the standards'..)
Anyhow, going through changes, looking for the one where some comment appeared..
'a wild comment appeared'.. tadaaah!
Checked the rest of changes.. Hm.. Someone did a validity check.. that returns the 'false' if not passed.
// OK, great! They are finally testing their shit and fixing stuff..
But apparently then they decided it is OK to do all the shit anyways.. so WTF?!
Why even bother validating it?! Oh yeah, forgot... cuz in case it returned false YOU WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO LET SOME STUFF HAPPEN!! But they weren't assigned with that exact task I guess..
- do the validation algo // fml, not going into how fucked up that was written..but it was horrible!
- do validity check where appropriate/needed
- test validity check and that it doesn't break functionality
+ check if the validation actually logically works?! nope, not on my to do list, not my job..
All done, better not actually do something that requires you to think.. :\
How the fuck that happened?! How can one person be assigned to check if something is stupid/wrong?! and when checking (&confirming) still lets the customer do that shit anyways?! What's the point?! O.O13
Motherfuck! God I hate xcode worst development environment ever conceived! Have to update it right now to be able to push to my device. Fucking appstore is the worst program ever. How about telling your users what the fuck is going on instead of just sitting there displaying a flash load circle. Gaaaaaahhh I wanted to go home 2 hours ago. Fuck you apple and all you stand for may you rot in the deepest crevices of he'll for all eternity! Fuuuuuck8
I know I'm only an intern. But what in the actual sideways fuck. Are clients really this stupid?! They want to push the app into the app stores a week earlier AND add MORE functionality? FUUUUUCK ME.2
If you have no defined business processes whatsoever nor code quality practices, why bother putting on the job offer "software engineer" or "full stack web developer"?
WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IS A FUCKING PHP HACKER
I fucking hate interacting with monolids. They are the most inconsiderate scumbags in the world and I absolutely hate working with them. They are noisy, they act like they own the place, and they overcompensate for the lack of eyelids, penis, and body hair by being total assholes to every goddamn stranger they come across.
I'm part Chinese myself but damn, fuck these people, throw in the Koreans too especially the hardcore opinionated virgin gamers with micro SD slots as eye holes. Fucking pieces of shit, motherfucker. No one makes my blood boil and evaporate as much as you cunts do. Even at work, the airline company had to make changes to their applications to have some sort of rating system for agents who book flights in bulk and then cancel them last minute.
And all these programmer and gamer maggots are sooooooo opinionated and so desperate to roast any random stranger on the internet that just having a nice conversation about a topic isn't possible because they will jump into the conversation and judge people's characters based on what they use/play. If someone doesn't want to use/play what they're using/playing or is having second thoughts because of some bad reviews, they mock you for not being an "independent" thinker. Okay, China.
I'm all for dirty, dark, racist, and all kinds of offensive humor but damn, some people can't see the difference between an opinion and a fact. They hear what you say, misinterpret it to the fucking extreme, and boom "You don't like this game I like, therefore you are not an independent thinker." Every time, I encounter an asshole like this, I search for what they look like and it's always the famous incel face that comes in all shades or the typical "All the white bois stole my chinky hoes, now I'm gonna be hostile towards anyone because there's no way I can dominate with my lipstick cock."
They lack basic reading comprehension but they have all the courage to start a fight like a fucking moron. Usually, I'd let it pass but I just can't this time. As soon as I called him out on it, I get a bunch of DMs from people saying he's a dick but no one has ever told him he was until I did. We'll see how this fucker fights. I know it's childish but fuuuuuck, the target location of the new plague is too goddamn accurate. Thank you, Satan. Hail, you.
As our client always say, "The Chinese, they are shitty shitty people."38
FUUUUUCK had one of those fucking days again where I just want to cram a keyboard down somebody's throat.
Son of a fuck how is it possible to be so irritated!?