I've forgotten how to make friends.

I think I've grown to the point where I can barely tolerate myself, let alone somebody else on a regular basis. Plus, being busy makes it hard to be decent to people and actually get back to their messages and calls.

Plus, I don't code anymore...
*Starts making another cocktail before the supervisor starts yelling*

Way to go ruin a collaboration. I wanted to have fun some making a game with one of my friends, but turns out being friends doesn't correlate to making a good team. Some of you probably know this, but I've never had such an experience, not even to almost strangers

Some tips on how to kill off any motivation to work with you:
* Casually insult other peoples ideas
* Don't consider other people's point of view
* Try to talk people out of prototyping/experimenting with their OWN ideas on their OWN time
* Completely undermine their skill even though you have no basis to go on
* Never worked with this person before
* less experienced
* don't have to give estimates on a daily basis
* don't consider the fact that there are libraries that can be used to speed up things)
* Victimize yourself, because someone is "forcing you" to become the bad guy

I don't know if that person is on here and I don't care if they happen to read this. I tried to treat you with the most respect, but if you don't do the same then just fuck off.

Anyways, there goes the idea of a "no stress, no problems" game dev project, because I wanted to see if isometric view would work better than top down.

My idea to have another person to work on a project with, to keep the motivation up backfired a by lot.

Someone within european timezones up for some hobby game dev?

the october of 2020 was the year when i started my first job. 9 months before that, i was under a severe depression and burnout (i guess?) and had made up a decision to quit android dev, an area for which i was passionate and had proven excellence before.

(just having a few good thoughts and going into a little nostalgia in this rant)

DR has been my goto place for every good/bad/shitty thought, so the rants on those days reflected my mental pain ( am gonna go check those after this rant) and confusions.i was so so much confused:

- "College is about to get over, i have to go earn bread for my family, what am gonna do"?

- "My jan Android internship had so shitty people, it was so much fast paced, they exploied me, mistreated me so much. am never gonna do android dev. should i take this shitty TCS offer of INR 300,000? i bet those guys will be nice atleast, they are a freaking mnc"

- "I don't seem to like anything these tcs people have offered me in their video classes. how am gonna survive my daily job life if i don't like these stuff?"

"FUCKING COVID IS THERE!! MY DAD's SHOP HAS CLOSED DOWN, WE ARE ON OUR LAST SAVINGS !! I SHOULD FUCKING DO SOMETHING, BUT A JUST A 22 YEAR OLD NOBODY!!"

this above, was my fight. to me these were the end of the world thoughts.

however the last day of college came, then the next day came, then another , then a week came and went, then months came and went , then years came and went and today after 2 years, i am just amazed at how things handled themselves. all the above points are now totally invalid in my eyes

i was shit scared to even open android studio after that jan internship. however, every thing i learned in between feb to sept ( and that includes my college stuff, some web dev, php, etc) i would find myself comparing it with java and android. and after spending some off screen time with friends nd family getting some relax, i started applying for jobs at startups. I only ever had confidence in java and kotlin , so 50% of the jobs i applied for were that of android dev.
and it was to no one's surprise that one android startup offered to interview me. i remember being terrible at ds algo, programming, java and even android at that time, yet somehow they saw some potential in me and offered me a role. the role they offered me was for an android dev with a salary of almost double the TCS's offer. this was even more terrifying for me because i was already burnt with a startup offerring money and exploiting me.

But my god how things changed .
This small startup company was everything opposite of that exploitive startup.

- From day 1 to my last day in that company, I had seniors who would give me time to understand stuff, ask questions that they would clarify, understand my knowledge and level and give me tasks accordingly, trust me of my time and my words and appreciate me. no one ever called after 6 pm or on weekends and no one ever counted my leaves or asked question about it.

- I was myself very scared at first, that someday they are gonna blame me, find me as some fraud , some masquerader unfit for the role, but these fears slowly went away. i just found myself diving deeper and deeper into code with full passion love and quest for writing bug free stuff.

- slowly and slowly they even stayed putting me as sole devs in management meetings, making me the front spokesperson for android tech in those meetings, the position that gave me so much confidence since, the people taking the top decisions will change their decisions based on my calls. I also felt a pull for exploring stuff outside my domain, sitting in calls of backend devs , react guys and designers, asking them questions and learning their stuff too.

today i laugh at the problems that life had put in front of me at that time. today my opinion on choosing mnc vs startup is not about who pays how much or where the job is most secure, but its about where i find myself motivated and excited to work.

money is not even a factor anymore. everyone (mncs included) is willing to give tons of money to the worthy candidate, so i won't be ever settling for a low paying job. the topmost priority is which company has the culture to let me grow and keep me on heals at the same time.

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(continued)