Skillsjs, java, c, c++, python, php
Joined devRant on 9/19/2017
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Modern tragedy in four lines:
- I just bought a new 1TB SSD
- Look at all this free space
- Let's do npm install
- Oh no6
Those GDPR nag screens actually are more damaging than useful. Nobody has the energy to jump through the hoops all different sites set up for you to opt-out of tracking. Yet you will constantly see those pages if you have opted out.
If you use some privacy extensions that block tracking cookies and stuff, you will keep getting those nag screens, because they have no idea whether you have seen it or not (because of no tracking)
So browsing the web has become the constant of:
1) Search something
2) Deal with nagscreens
3) See the page
4) Go to other page
5) Repeat from step two
I wonder what this will lead to? People are less likely to visit random pages and stick to ones they have account on? Will darknet become more popular? Will somebody design some standard way to get rid of this nagscreen wave?11
So I had an interesting problem... Let's say I have X lights which will turn on or off after I pull a lever. I know the probability of each one of them turning on, but they are all different. I want to know what is the probability of at least half of them being on after I pull the lever.
I wrote this shit show to do it: https://jsbin.com/jizocohebo/edit/...
Can you do better?4
I love how some services have trap pricing, pretty much like drug dealers of the interwebs.
Me: I would like to send e-mail to my clients.
Company: Sure bro, here, take our service, you can send emails to all your clients, just 5€ per month!
A year later
Me: I have now over thousand customers, I would like to send more emails and implement some new features.
Company: Thousand customers you say?
Company: All in our servers you say?
Me: Yeah, thanks for the great service!
Company: Sure, no problem. We can enable you additional services for 40 000€ per month, half of your liver and two of your first born babies.2
When I was still a noob programmer, I was working on a website for a big client. We had a demo coming up in big city. So we drove there several hours and went to their office. All the management board and shareholders and what not were there.
So we started the demo. Everything had worked perfect the night before. But on that day, we were right away greeted with some stupid PHP error right there on the first page. Had to fix it quickly so we could continue with the demo, so I logged into their production server with SSH and started fixing the code with vim. I was connected to the projector, so my horrid noob code with cringy joke comments was there for everyone in the room to see.
Eventually got it working, but I saw several people in the room facepalming hard. Can't ever forget the day. :D1
When I was in school, people came to me every once in a while, wanting to make a new great MMORPG with destructible terrain and factions.
Then came the guys who wanted to make a new amazing app that will help them fix some minor life inconveniences (like tracking expiry dates on the groceries in your fridge).
And now there are guys who want to make blockchain, IoT and chatbot based startups.
I just want to watch youtube and post shit on the internet. :(1
Q: Is there a word that describes a fear/phobia of regular expressions?
A: Common Sense3
At job interview.
They: What would you describe as your biggest character flaw?
Me: *rolls d8* I pretend not to understand the local language in order to avoid interactions I would rather not have.
Nobody solved this super complicated cryptography puzzle last time. I guess I have created an unsolvable mystery of epic proportions. Anyway, if you wanna give it a try, go ahead:
Answer is a sentence in plain english. Space is used, but no punctuation. Post answer to comments. Good luck :D32
At job interview.
Interviewer: Have you ever thought about why manhole covers are round?
Me: It's to accommodate different body shapes of sewer workers.
Interviewer: Hahah. It's actually so the covers wouldn't fall in.
Me: It used to be like that, but they changed it.
Interviewer: What? Who changed it?
Me: The lizard people!
Me: * cowers in corner and hisses *7
At job interview.
Interviewer: What are your goals in life?
Me: Well... Right now... Getting 1000 upvotes in devRant so I can get that fat cat on my avatar....6
At least it wasn't Disney who acquired GitHub. Not sure if the world is ready for GitHub branded tampons yet.7
Me: "I should try to waste less money this month"
Also me: "I wonder what 1000 euro whiskey tastes like..."
(Please describe in comments, I don't actually have 1000 euros for whiskey.)11
12 Stages of Software Development:
3. Realization the whole analysis is complete bullshit and has nothing to with reality.
4. Denial about failing deadlines.
6. "Acceleration": adding more people to the project, bringing out big corner cutting machine.
7. Learning that massive amount of new features needs to be added, while the deadline is two weeks away.
8. Putting some random crap in production, riddled with horrid bugs and security flaws, to technically not miss the deadline.
9. Get the mess almost working long after the deadline has passed.
10. Maintain this steaming pile of crap for a year.
11. Start planning for full system rewrite that "Makes Everything Better".
12. Goto 12
At Job interview.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Me: I see myself as the leader of a raider group, robbing and scavenging together pieces of what is left of the civilization in hopes to build a weapon powerful enough to take the world back from a rogue AI, which I built myself few years earlier.
Wow, I just realized the marketing teams of most of the companies I have been dealing with are some cold sociopaths.
Every other letter that pops in the mailbox is filled with dark patterns trying to guilt me into opting in to their continued spam:
Subject: Most awesome husky puppy!
Look at this beautiful husky puppy. Isn't it beautiful.... It would be sad if something happened to it... But I am afraid... Something will happen to it...
If you don't opt in to our email message... I am afraid we have no choice... We have to kill this puppy. End it's life... We have no choice. I wish we did! Nothing would please us more than keeping this beautiful-beautiful puppy living and playing....
But if you don't opt in... We have to cut it's throat. Leave it lying on the ground, bleeding out as the life slowly fades away from it's pretty blue eyes...
And Remember: it's not us who killed it... IT WAS YOU! YOUR ACTIONS LEAD TO THE DEATH OF THIS PUPPY! YOU.... YOU FILTHY MURDERER!
Pls opt-in ok, then we are all good. Puppy lives! Just opt in. Ok? Yeah, you know what you have to do.3
I love how "shotgun debugging" works.
Let's say the microwave doesn't work. I put my burrito in it, press buttons. Nothing happens.
Any sane person would trace the possible cause: Check if it is plugged in, maybe the fuse is blown? Nah, we don't have time for this: Let's try shotgunning it!
- Turn the burrito upside down.
- Try aligning the burrito in different cardinal directions.
- Press random buttons
- Remove burrito wrapper
- Separate burrito into single components, sort them onto a plate in a nifty layout and try microwaving that.
- Remove each component of the sorted burrito plate and try microwaving the plate with less and less items.
- Try microwaving each separate item and then later reassembling them back into burrito to see if it gets heated after the act.
- Try putting a cat on top of the microwave.
- Pour water on cat
- Notice a strong reaction involving water and the cat.
- Try catching the cat for additional testing.
- Go to the hospital to get stitches on your open wounds.
Later write a bug report to the maintainer: "Microwave doesn't work. Tracked the issue down to the moisture level of the cat, additional testing needed."8
People seem to like cryptographic puzzles. Well, try this one for size:
Answer is a sentence in plain english. Space is used, but no punctuation. Post answer to comments. Good luck :D2
One of my favourite, encryption puzzles is this:
Answer is plain text string in english. Good luck, post solution in the comments!25
Things you hear from developers 5 minutes before demo to the whole Management Board.
- "... Does this button work... Nope... Oh well..."
- "What the hell is THAT!?"
- "Um... Is it supposed to look like this?"
- "Please tell me you didn't just merge this!?!"
Sometimes I feel frontend development is like ancient magic:
Backend Dev: Oh no, I can't align this DIV properly.
FE Dev: No worries!
* Casts Flexius Boxius on the DIV *
* Div aligns slightly better *
BE Dev: But it's not centered!
FE Dev: No worries!
* Casts Marginis Automaticus! *
* Rolls natural 1 *
* Everything collapses *
* Website is on fire *
* Product owner cries *
FE Dev: No worries!
* Casts Flexius Boxius level 5 on the parent div *
* Everything looks beautiful *
* People are in awe *
FE Dev: You are welcome!
* Adjusts his robe and leaves *9
At a job interview.
Them: Can you please write a function that calculates fibonacci numbers on the whiteboard please.