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Search - "body stress"
Day before easter holidays, a few years ago. It was evening and almost everyone had gone home. I finished a task, and immediately set off to do the next one, stressed as fuck, as usual. One colleague was left at the office, who asked me to at least eat something before I continued. I said I didn't have time, but after some negotiations sat down at the table, and realized I couldn't physically move the fork to my mouth.
I was having a panic attack. My colleague helped me with breathing excercises, gave me some pills and when I started to calm down a little, I said I'd better go back to work.
"No", she responsed, "we're going to the emergency"
I refused, since I had work to do, but she told me that I needed a person in a white lab coat to tell me that I shouldn't work for a while.
We went. The doctor gave me 3 weeks of sick leave, where I learnt a new word: No.
I thank the universe for not letting me get burnt out. I'm thankful for that amazing colleague.
I now work without stress, doing one thing at a time and saying no when my body says no.11
As a developer, I constantly feel like I'm lagging behind.
Long rant incoming.
Whenever I join a new company or team, I always feel like I'm the worst developer there. No matter how much studying I do, it never seems to be enough.
Feeling inadequate is nothing new for me, I've been struggling with a severe inferiority complex for most of my life. But starting a career as a developer launched that shit into overdrive.
About 10 years ago, I started my college education as a developer. At first things were fine, I felt equal to my peers. It lasted about a day or two, until I saw a guy working on a website in notepad. Nothing too special of course, but back then as a guy whose scripting experience did not go much farther than modifying some .ini files, it blew my mind. It went downhill from there.
What followed were several stressful, yet strangely enjoyable, years in college where I constantly felt like I was lagging behind, even though my grades were acceptable. On top of college stress, I had a number of setbacks, including the fallout of divorcing parents, childhood pets, family and friends dying, little to no money coming in and my mother being in a coma for a few weeks. She's fine now, thankfully.
Through hard work, a bit of luck, and a girlfriend who helped me to study, I managed to graduate college in 2012 and found a starter job as an Asp.Net developer.
My knowledge on the topic was limited, but it was a good learning experience, I had a good mentor and some great colleagues. To teach myself, I launched a programming tutorial channel. All in all, life was good. I had a steady income, a relationship that was already going for a few years, some good friends and I was learning a lot.
Then, 3 months in, I got diagnosed with cancer.
This ruined pretty much everything I had built up so far. I spend the next 6 months in a hospital, going through very rough chemo.
When I got back to working again, my previous Asp.Net position had been (understandably) given to another colleague. While I was grateful to the company that I could come back after such a long absence, the only position available was that of a junior database manager. Not something I studied for and not something I wanted to do each day neither.
Because I was grateful for the company's support, I kept working there for another 12 - 18 months. It didn't go well. The number of times I was able to do C# jobs can be counted on both hands, while new hires got the assignments, I regularly begged my PM for.
On top of that, the stress and anxiety that going through cancer brings comes AFTER the treatment. During the treatment, the only important things were surviving and spending my potentially last days as best as I could. Those months working was spent mostly living in fear and having to come to terms with the fact that my own body tried to kill me. It caused me severe anger issues which in time cost me my relationship and some friendships.
Keeping up to date was hard in these times. I was not honing my developer skills and studying was not something I'd regularly do. 'Why spend all this time working if tomorrow the cancer might come back?'
After much soul-searching, I quit that job and pursued a career in consultancy. At first things went well. There was not a lot to do so I could do a lot of self-study. A month went by like that. Then another. Then about 4 months into the new job, still no work was there to be done. My motivation quickly dwindled.
To recuperate the costs, the company had me do shit jobs which had little to nothing to do with coding like creating labels or writing blogs. Zero coding experience required. Although I was getting a lot of self-study done, my amount of field experience remained pretty much zip.
My prayers asking for work must have been heard because suddenly the sales department started finding clients for me. Unfortunately, as salespeople do, they looked only at my theoretical years of experience, most of which were spent in a hospital or not doing .Net related tasks.
Ka-ching. Here's a developer with four years of experience. Have fun.
Those jobs never went well. My lack of experience was always an issue, no matter how many times I told the salespeople not to exaggerate my experience. In the end, I ended up resigning there too.
After all the issues a consultancy job brings, I went out to find a job I actually wanted to do. I found a .Net job in an area little traffic. I even warned them during my intake that my experience was limited, and I did my very best every day that I worked here.
It didn't help. I still feel like the worst developer on the team, even superseded by someone who took photography in college. Now on Monday, they want me to come in earlier for a talk.
Should I just quit being a developer? I really want to make this work, but it seems like every turn I take, every choice I make, stuff just won't improve. Any suggestions on how I can get out of this psychological hell?6
I really dread working tomorrow. That manager and his team really have a way of demotivating me. My entire being is refusing to do even a tiny amount of work for them. I would rather work on a shitload of tasks if it's for some other team. You are the worst manager I've ever worked with so far and that's in comparison with the psycho I had in the hellhole that first introduced me to devRant back in 2018.
That one made employees cry but at least, that manager cared about her job, maybe even too much. You don't and you have your impoverished flying monkeys with slave mentality supporting you all the way. Third world mentality, am I right? You're constantly looking for developers to drag into your web of incompetence. You don't know what needs to be done and you rush and pressure someone else as soon as you're reminded of it. Dude, stop using developers as scapegoats. If I was a manager and other managers are telling me, "Please cascade this information sooner. We don't want to put unnecessary pressure on anyone." I'll take the hint that I suck, apologize, and stop dropping the names of developers as if I've given them the information a long time ago.
You fucking didn't.
I fucking hate working with you so much that even on a Sunday, I daydream of shoving your face down a deep fryer and giving you a full body massage with mercury. I've been doing all I can to improve my life and be less angry in the past few months but damn, surprise fuck-ups are the worst. I can't help but stress over the fact that this could be my life on the next months to come. I would be focusing on working for my original team and improving their process and then you'll pop out of nowhere and drag me to hell.
It's just not worth it. I'm responding to recruiters now. When I get an offer and someone tries to keep me, I'll tell them I'd stay under the condition that no one borrows me from my original team anymore. This "you have to be flexible" bullshit is just another excuse for "we have terrible managers". I really like my original team and I get excited working with them, talking to them, and discussing improvements but this manager is just too fucking much.
I read a thousand times that employees leave managers but I've never been put into a position where it's so accurate until now.2
Not at all dev related but I don’t have a social life so I share with you guys:)
I’ve been fat for all my life. You might say it’s my own fault blah blah but I quit sugar over 10 years ago, I don’t snack and eat 1-2 meals a day, not much more than others do.
The first time I was in good shape was when I was 16. I was growing, I started boxing and I was happy-ish with my body for the first time. I got down from 110kgs to ~87kgs, which is a good weight for me, I have heavy bones and wide shoulders I guess.
I insured my shoulder and couldn’t do boxing anymore but my weight was still pretty much stable. After working in the office for a few months I started gaining weight again, I think mainly due to the stress and lack of sleep.
In 2017 for the first time I hit a new high with 120kgs. I quit my terrible, stressful 24/7 job and relocated and got down to ~115 which I maintained for quite a while (still going to the gym and stuff).
And then the lockdown started..
I went up to >120 in no time.
(Sounds really bad but as mentioned, I’m heavy anyway so I’m not THAT obese, just fat.
Seeing my weight was really scary to me so I started a keto diet again, which I did before but with limited success.
Warning: Controversial topic coming up..
I took it a bit further and tried 0-carb (carnivore diet) instead of low carb and I lost 6kg within a month. Then the next plateau at 114, then at 112 etc.
Went more strict and removed seasoning and stuff and started eating more nutritious meat, liver, heart, tongue etc and my weight started dripping again.
Yesterday for the first time in ~a decade I got down to 105kg.
My end goal is 90, so I made it half way through.
Just really happy to have achieved this. The 1 good thing about lockdown I guess, I had so much time to be on my own.
Before you say eating no greens is bad, keep in mind that most not old people die because of obesity, not because of a lack of fiber.
It’s a big achievement for me and I hope that I can get to 90kg in another 3 months..
My back - for the countless hours of pain from not sitting straight.
My neck - for not letting go of my head even when it reaches 30° incline relative to my back.
Damn I am becoming so skinny!!!
Like stress, sleep deprivation for months, lack of proper feeding.
I am sacrificing much for being a programmer.
Jeez, I never taught I am gonna be looking like the average "stereotypical skinny programmer".
I don't need a break but need my body back in shape.
Yeah - another narcissistic rant7
Moved from a gambling company to a government body. Got to say I'm less stressed about estimates now but more worried about standards here.
Stress and career development < No Stress and less career development.
Ask me in a few months.3
Today I had a full-day job interview for a junior data scientist position.
First I met the team which was only like half of everyone because apparently everyone was gone on Fridays. However the few there were really nice.
First task is to do some basic data analysis stuff even though I already spent a week on the coding challenge and sent them all my code/tasks. I log into my machine and create a new virtual environment but can't for the life of me figure out how to use the command line in windows to install packages. Turns out there is some problem with their proxy and they have to log me in on that. Then I am struggling on the keyboard because it's for a language different that my mother tongue and it takes me 3x as long to so the most simple things. All my shortcuts are out the window. Haven't a hard time typing parentheses and brackets. Start freaking out and have a panic attack mid task. I'm sweating bullets. I didn't even make it to the simple visualization tasks much less the models at the end. Time gets called and we all go to lunch and I'm freaking out on the inside the entire time. Angry at myself because I know I am better and just couldn't think.
After lunch I present my code and results from a coding challenge I did weeks prior. People from other teams get invited and I end up getting grilled for 2 hours by 15 people. Questions are flying in from all sides. They ask me almost everything I know about machine learning and some more. Under stress I forgot the name of the optimizer I used and couldn't answer some easy stuff because my mind was racing.
Right now I am on the train home and my body physically hurts. I am disappointed with myself and wish I could have shown up better. Never really froze up like this before.2
I took 9 days off. Two 3-days long-weekends included.
First long-weekend went in Holi celeberations.
Weekdays went in planning and executing trip to Vaishno Devi.
Second long-weekend went in resting because Vaishno Devi is a hiking pilgrimage of a total of 30+ kms and 650+ kms away from my house. Totally loved the trip, though. Always a pleasure.
After 9 days of leaves, I come back feeling somewhat mentally fresh and rested.
The very next day, I catch cold and fever. Whole body fucked up. Skull paining from sneezing and blowing nose too much. Body paining from weakness and little fever.
Now.. I don’t want to work at all. Even little work gives me stress. Even though I have time to complete it.
I mean 😪
What an unnecessary hell after 9 days of heaven.2
How do you guys motivate yourself to work out.
Its been 2 times... First i tried 2 years ago in Aug 16.
Back then , my college started and i got busy in that so left the gym after a month. I blamed myself, the tiredness it gave me and lack of friends/work out partners there at that time.
Second time, i tried more hardly in jan 2018. This time, i had my gym companions, nd i was doing better. At the start i was handling the stress well, since it was just the clg and gym,then came along the internship, but i still handled it. But after the internship, i felt the need to up my skills and do more personal projects which was still not happening because of the gym tiredness. And then came along a scholarship into one of my favorite courses, and then the papers, and then.... A lot of 'other' things started happening, so i leftthe gym jn may 18.
I am concerned about a few things. 1)These days, I am usually entangled between entertainment, clg work, self learning/ scholarships. I used to do gymming in evening hours after clg and self learning on weekends, but now i am like everyday am straight to home from clg, onto bed, into the sheets, laptop on, and am doing scholarships task till late night. I fear that my work is now so important that i cannot push it to weekends. How do you guys manage learning and maintaining your body together?
2. Gym is a sick environment. We see pumped up people with 8% body fat , skin sticking to their ugly muscles while i am there , juggling my belly fat on the treadmill. For 2 months straight i was just doing the cardio. It gave me some results i guess, my belly got a Little loose but no one really saw much changes. I am not concerned about other people or fast results particularly, but when combined, i feel like am going to a royal house party everyday, where everyone except me is a beautiful king or queen , except me, a lowly peasent . Those pumped up kings are beating their bodies and getting more beautiful, while i am trying to beat these dead belly meat which won't flatten up .
Second day I lack sleep, girls consuming my evenings with their bla bla, debugging dosbox games and why some won't work, having to perform at work, breaking my body at gym, cooking complex meals..
I feel physically ill of stress..5
I ranted about my new laptop and linux mint on it https://devrant.com/rants/1919501 and I said there will be a rant about the OSs I tried
So my new laptop is the Xiaomi notebook pro, with the highest config: i7/16g/256g/mx150 gpu/alu body/10h battery/perfect keyboard/great screen. Its Chinese, but Xiaomi... you kinda expect flaws, problems, but i watched all the reviews and knew about all the things, and the price was 35% down (836 + taxes = 997EUR) for a macbook pro clone? its a no brainer.. but i had a rattling vent (fixed with shoe glue lol) now its just loud in windows but not in linux, strange
I changed the Chinese windows on it to EN... worked perfect... but... It has 2 slots for NVMe ssd so i bought a 500gb one for the second slot, I put windows on that (because games, occasional insta story video edit, big files, anyway...) and put Ubuntu on the 256gb original ssd.. (to develop on that) and it was slow as fuck, I got errors all over the places, problems I never had before with ubuntu.. and mind you Windows had over 3000 MB/s for read and almost 2000 MB/s for write speeds on that disk... I was disappointed af. MIND YOU all my life I had Ubuntu on secondary old/slow laptops/pcs working JUST FINE... I still don't know what the fuck happened.. the ui was choppy to say the least and I just was not ready to accept that on this HW while windows worked like a charm (yuck)
Then I went with Manjaro (based on arch, here on devrant people like that stuff, must be great)... well after I installed it, it booted up to the login page and black screen... something with the MX150 GPU according to the interwebs... by this time I was so frustrated and in time stress because of my flight home for xmas that I decided not to fix Manjaro but to go with another flavour
Linux Mint it is... everything kinda works out of the box, like they say... it has dark mode everywhere in the settings without downloading some bloated theme or plugin like on other flavours. So I sticked with Linux Mint. Im not saying its perfect, but I have it for like a month now and all its flaws are these small irrelevant settings not working, utilities like the battery showing funny numbers in the post I linked in the beginning.
Other than this I want to ask you guys. In all 3 distros I tried, they all had text scaling issues everywhere (os, apps, web). I think I have a regular fullHD display, its sharp, but I mean... I never expected resolution or scaling issues or things like that. On Windows I never had those scaling issues... other than the famous win10 "blurry apps"3
I just spent around a fucking week questioning myself, my sanity, my code and a 3rd party api to find out I was submitting bad data to my correct code in a separate part of the product.
Fuck my life and my self inflicted stress and guilt over this. Hopefully edge cases are already covered, I fucking had working code or so i hope until the next bout of debug hell.
Also fuck you spring for not letting me see request body of an outgoing post request.