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Sales employee Bob wants a clickable blue button.
Bob tells product owner Karen about his unstoppable desire for clickable blue buttons.
Karen assigns points for potential and impact (how much does a blue button improve Bob's life, how many people like Bob desire blue buttons)
Karen asks the button team how hard it is to build a button. The button team compares the request to a reference button they've built before, and gives an ease score, with higher score being easier (inverse of scrum points).
These three scores are combined to give a priority score. The global buttonbacklog is sorted by priority.
Once every two weeks (a "sprint") the button team convenes, uses the ease scores to assign scrum points. Difficult tasks are broken up into smaller tasks, because there is a scrum point upper limit. They use the average of the last 5 sprints to calculate each developer's "velocity".
The sprint is filled with tasks, from the top of the global button backlog, up to the team's capacity as determined by velocity. Approximate due dates are assigned, Bob is a happy Bob.
What if boss Peter runs into the office screaming "OUR IMPORTANT CLIENT WANTS A FUCKING PINK BUTTON WHICH MAKES HEARTS APPEAR"?
Devs tell boss to shut the fuck up and talk to Karen. Karen has a carefully curated list of button building tasks sorted by priority, can sedate boss with valium so he calms the fuck down until he can make a case for the impact and potential of his pink button.
Karen might agree that Peter's pink button gets a higher priority than Bob's blue button.
But devs are nocturnal creatures, easily disturbed when approached by humans, their natural rhythms thrown out of balance.
So the sprint is "locked", and Peter's pink button appears at the top of the global backlog, from where it flows into the next sprint.
On rare occasions a sprint is broken open, for example when Karen realizes that all of the end users will commit suicide if they don't have a pink heart-spawning button.
In such an event, Peter must make Bob happy (because Bob is crying that his blue button is delayed). And Peter must make the button team of devs happy.
This usually leads to a ritual involving chocolate or even hardware gift certificates to restore balance to the dev ecosystem.23 -
There's no greater waste of time than laying in bed with your significant other and waiting on them to fall asleep so you can tip toe back to your computer in order to hit a deadline.
Literally my ritual every night.20 -
Just for fun I am making an RPG Maker game called "IT Quest" where you go on a 40 hour long quest just to get the security team to modify a user. The game will feature tons of mandatory side quests and a convoluted plot that requires descending into the depths of the server room to find a virgin followed by a sacrificial ritual over the broken fax machine. And ultimately the security team just closes your request without telling you why and you have to fight the final boss of the game, Zeromus who runs security. When you defeat him you get the golden CAT5 cable of time which you beat the person who closed your request with until he reopens it and does his damned job.12
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Dear Indian Companies,
Why do you hire for a role and then say: "We dont have that role but then we want you to grow up to be a Generalist"!
6 years as a build, release and SCM guy at Moto and Nokia back then, I shifted to this big Indian IT corp coz Nokia was shutting down...
A week into my orientation (which is a crazy weirdness inducing ritual in and of itself), the new manager I'm supposed to be working with comes up and says- "Here's the code repo, there are 2 open jQuery issues, fix them!"
I'm not really sure what to say at this point because jQuery is nice and all but thats not who I am.. I'm the infra / DevOps guy. And this is circa 2012 when DevOps as a term was just hotting up...
Tell me to setup a multi-stage pipeline and automated test cycles, I'll do it drunk, but oh no! bug fixing on a jQuery script? Noooo!!!!! I just dont have the chops for it.
So long story short, I get reported to HR for insubordination - Yeah, Go Figure!
Cue: HR meeting
HR: You wont work?
Me: I cant work on jQuery. I am a sysadmin / devops guy... Give me a project that involves those skills and I'll work.
HR: But we hired you to work on jQuery.
Me: But you did not mention jQuery / UI / UX in the job description - Pulls up email and shows JD for interview which says Symbian, Build, Release, Configuration Management but NOT jQuery.
HR: ....
Me: :-/
HR: But we want you to be a generalist.
Me: #wtf
HR: We want an engineer to be able to do anything he is tasked with!
Me: Can I know my last working date here?
And thats how my career at a glorious IT corporation just went poof!
When I think back on it, I feel good that I chose to do what I wanted to get better at and what I loved working on...
And this is the problem with IT companies in our country - They play with people's aspirations and passions... To the point that all thats left of a software engineer is the looking forward to pay day so he can start the damn cycle all over again.11 -
I feel that people are quick to blame PHP for a lot of things. But come on, you have to admit it has the most straightforward debugging workflow:
Take a ritual knife out of your desk drawer
Sacrifice some blood to the PHP gods
Clean the knife -
So my HP laptop got a weird problem lately.
It doesn't charge when I plug in the charger(yes, i turned on the switch). So I began searching forums for a solution and then found out that there are so many people like me out there.
Then I was like ok, chill. There are many people like me, there must be a solution somewhere.
And after doing lots of research and trying all the solutions in the internet, the only thing that worked out is this ....
Step1 : turn on and the laptop and plug in the charger.
Step 2: Turn off the laptop.
Step 3: Now turn it back on and poof there you go, the laptop's charging.
And then I improvised the solution myself, which is u can replace the switch off part with Sleep which saved me some time.
And then whenever I try to show something my friends somethjng on my lap and the battery gets low, I do the ritual. For a brief moment their face becomes like dude I'm gonna kill you off, why the hell did u bring me here and now u r turning that off. And then I explain the history of my laptop.
Why HP whyyy ?12 -
Overheating The Javascript Ecosystem
Paranoid thought: You know, in the course of every day, being the corrupt piece of shit that I am, whenever I see a scandal or what looks like shenanigans-in-the-making, I ask myself
"Wisecrack, is this a fucking scam or con of some sort?"
I was recently asking myself this about javascript.
Not the language per se, but the ecosystem.
I noticed how there are a thousand CLIs for simple shit. Another four thousand for page long libraries, for simpleton level shit (because prototypes are designed after satans own aborted love-child of object models). I noticed another eight thousand guys imitating steve jobs, talking at conferences and 'change the world' high-on-huffing-my-own-shit TEDX talks like rubyists that don't realize the world has moved on, all to hawk books and inflate CVs for cushy positions at major tech firms and the herd of dicksuckers following the next fad off a cliff like lemmings. And another eight thousand 'tech journalists' pushing them off the cliff while begging for outrage and hype dollars and slowly circling like vultures above the drain that is the ad-based economy.
And I thought to myself.
"Wisecrack, who benefits from all this noisy self-indulgent horseshit? Where is all the money coming from for all these books, conferences, meetings, publications, media, bread, and circuses?"
"I don't know wisecrack. But if I were the CEO of a big company, threatened by the prospect of a universal language, or universal platform, like flash, but one I couldn't kill like flash, I would try to do the most corrupt thing I could think of."
"Whats that wisecrack?"
"I would try to 'overheat' the ecosystem by selectively hiring people from that ecosystem, pumping money into a boatload of similar products, all in the hopes of provoking the equivalent of an immune overreaction, imitators all flooding the ecosystem with the same shit in different packages, self promoting sycophants, aggrenadizing social media idiots, tools sold as tools, hyped as 'the next coming of steve jobs', overcooked shit that focuses on ceremony over functionality, ritual over productivity, documentation over innovation like some sort of amazonion infinite nesting doll hellscape of documents linking to documents linking to documents, each one a new circle of dantes inferno, where the definition of anything links to another document that says "see also xyz", and I would convince them that they had done it to themselves."
And then I would push typescript as their lord, savior, and master. "
"How do you know all this wisecrack?"
"Because I am a piece of shit, and, this is what I would do in any executive's shoes."10 -
Met colleague at work
Him: You programmers don't like sleeping at all. You should try to sleep and look fresh like me ... Blah blah blah... (You get the picture)
Me: *just smiles and watch him go*
(But what I really wanted to say)
Me: 'Well you know what, most programmers don't sleep much not because sleep deprivation is fun or we're in some kind of cult where it's some daily ritual. But when they need to send in an update; usually on a feature to make YOUR life easier OR just can't seem get their code to run right, and they keep telling themselves; "5 more minutes", "I have a good feeling about this modification" the minutes add up and before you realize it morning! And that's why some of us look like s*** in the morning'
(And then turn around to leave only to come back really quick like I just remembered something)
Me (again): "And don't think that we enjoy it. At least the ones I know don't. It's simply a fr****** work hazard!"5 -
Morning Ritual
1. Start all devices
2. Check headset status
3. Check emails
4. COFFEE <3
5. First call...
6. 20 annoying minutes of two people talk to each other without a result
7. COFFEE <3 ... cold1 -
GF: How was your pitch to investors?
Me: it was great (... went-ahead to talk about the daunting process of the preparation and motivation).
GF: Why do you go through all this process, when you can become a fraudster, you can use voodoo and make it even easier, in less than 3 months you can buy a duplex, nice car and we can go shopping... you don't need to do any human ritual unlike before - I heard you can even meet a chief priest to make it faster for you.
just get the bag abeg (slang for getting rich quick).
Me: Fuck the day I met you, not everyone wants to be a low-life, and fuck out from my life.
Men if you live in a saner society, or you are born to elite/upper-middle-class you don't how lucky you are.
Most times I wonder how I keep my sanity with all these shitty people around. like messed up society where almost everyone is a fucking deep hypocrite
.I know I need to change my circle but how the fuck do I do that when I am surrounded by fuckstards, which are far worst than Gypsies.
lowlifes with low dreams.
I need to get the fuck out of this place!
15 -
Tough days are standard are they not?
A good ritual is forcing yourself outside and get some fresh air, don’t have a single thought of what it is you were doing and just destress.
I also find punching something therapeutic aswell so there’s always that option 😅 -
Well it's a whole ritual, first it must be past 23 hrs, then an interesting project, an Spotify (trance/edm/electro/rap) playlist, and a quiet house and then everything falls into place and the code starts flowing down from my head and heart to my hands. That moment is so sacred that not even hunger interrupts it.1
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Years ago, we were setting up an architecture where we fetch certain data as-is and throw it in CosmosDb. Then we run a daily background job to aggregate and store it as structured data.
The problem is the volume. The calculation step is so intense that it will bring down the host machine, and the insert step will bring down the database in a manner where it takes 30 min or more to become accessible again.
Accommodating for this would need a fundamental change in our setup. Maybe rewriting the queries, data structure, containerizing it for auto scaling, whatever. Back then, this wasn't on the table due to time constraints and, nobody wanted to be the person to open that Pandora's box of turning things upside down when it "basically works".
So the hotfix was to do a 1 second threadsleep for every iteration where needed. It makes the job take upwards of 12 hours where - if the system could endure it - it would normally take a couple minutes.
The solution has grown around this behavior ever since, making it even harder to properly fix now. Whenever there is a new team member there is this ritual of explaining this behavior to them, then discussing solutions until they realize how big of a change it would be, and concluding that it needs to be done, but...
not right now.2 -
Hello my Friends.
TL;DR i meditate as I draw, here’s the result. What about you?!
Does any of you exercise on any kind of meditation? Not the popular meditation forms, more alternative meditation? I. E. walking meditation, dancing meditation, reading medidation, etc. ? Remember, it’s all about being here and now and letting go of any pre-programmed thoughts, right?
I myself, have a ritual which is performes once-twice a year. I call it drawing meditation. When daylight ends, and the moon rises, I sit at my desk in a dark room with one light, which is hanging aboce the white sheet of paper. I take black pencil, turn on some music mildly and turn off my thought receiving part of the brain. I hear every thought which is passing by, but I have no attachment to it. My hands are drawing, without my interception. It feels amazing, and I believe this method helps me to clean up some space in subconscious file system.
This activity of mine, takes strangly short/long time. Once I’ve sat for about 16hours, once 6hours.
Furthermore, I’m always amazed by the abstract art pieces which are the end result. I’m attaching the image of the last drawing made in this way to the post.
Can I hear what you see in it?
10 -
My bi-annual ritual:
1. Get home after 5 months
2. By cheap ear/head-phones
3. Use them for the next 5 months till they wear out
4. Repeat
😂😂
Also watches. But I gave up on those back in school.😛1 -
We're so defensive about listening to music while [insert concentration-intensive task here]. Instrumentals, piano, EDM, what have you. Deep down, we know it's distracting us. It's just so hard for us to admit that. 😂😂😂4
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border-bottom property of a page title div worked perfectly in chrome on windows.. Didn't show up on chrome on Mac for some reason.. Spent three hours... Cleared cache.. Held a ritual to summon satan.. Still didn't show up on Mac. Turns out border color was set as #c7c7c757
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Windows users be like "Oh, it's fine. Our tent comfortably fits all my family and it's cold there for only half a year, but not too cold, just wear a coat while you're inside and you'll be fine. Clean water is only two miles away, walking is healthy after all. Yes, agents come every week and rape my wife but it only happens to newbs and honestly I respect that ritual, this is how life works. You only have to send three papers to them to ask them please not to rape us this week and they don't come for a whole week! I ain't stupid, I always carry my gun with me to shoot thugs"
Living with MacOS is just living. You pay the fee and they let you in.
Living with Linux can be just living too, but it can be much more, your skill and willingness to learn are always rewarded. I've been there, I used Arch.
But living with windows is always survival.18 -
No I don't want your updates every single day, Windows 10. Maybe I don't want to be so edgy with your updates. May be I like it XP style when updates didn't used to bug me with every single boot up and power down. It has become even worse. Who thought defering updates to the next boot up was a good option? It fucking interferes with the flow of work. They were like -
"You know what, let's update till 35% and then fucking update the remaining 65% at next boot"
"But users will be frustated"
"We'll show the update screen with clean font and a nice background. It will calm them down"
"Okay, so let users choose when to download the updates"
"That's not a fucking option, mate"
And if you are going to force updates down our throats please fucking mention what is being changed as a short description instead of showing a 'KBxxxxxxx' update number! If not that, at least hyperlink the thing to your update docs page! OR Mention a version buff if not it! I HATE seeing 'Update for Windows 10 Version xxxx for x64-based Systems' EVERY. SINGLE. TIME I see an update ready to be downloaded.
And no I don't play Candy Crush, or other games that are pre-installed as soon as I re-install fresh Windows or go on Xbox App. I hate to do this ritual of turning off auto download from Windows Store every time. So please don't pre-configure anything for me. Keep it fucking raw. That's why Linux distros win.
I'm just saying, Service Packs were a great thing with a need of little improvements. You guys ruined the whole experience, Microsoft.2 -
I am now going to attempt the problem solving ritual.
Requirements:
-have a problem or piece of unoptimized code and you don't know how tk fix/improve it
-be able to sleep/take a nap
Now before I fall asleep the ritual should provide me with an epiphany to solve my problem
Plan b:
I have a class ninja (model), with an observablecollection<property> properties and an observablecollection<gearslot> gearslots;
,a class gear with an observablecollection<property> properties and an Category category:
And a class gearslot with a Gear gear and a Category category;
Via entity framework this results in several property entries per ninja
And several property entries per gear item
All good so far.
I now actually want the ninja property values, to be the sum of the gear property values
So a ninja has int, agi and str of 0.
Gear has 0 or more stats.
If the ninja has two pieces of gear on with agi +1, then the ninja agi should be 2
If possible i would like the logic in the model.
Else i have to put it in the viewmodel.
That i can figure out, its just so inelegant.... -
Do you have a specific ritual for entering the flow state?
Mine is pretty simple: blast high BPM trance/psytrance/full-on trance to the headphones and let it consume all my thoughts7 -
So my company has this ritual that all of it's new hires have to go through some online training regarding the policies and blah blah...
It basically takes hours and a lot of caffeine.
I'm thinking of automating the process and leave the package for the poor new souls to use for free!
Although, still in dilemma if it'll be unethical.6 -
As a dev living overseas I video chat with my family every Wednesday after dinner--a ritual to keep the family bond strong.
A ritual I dread.
While my cousin who works in hospitality always brings up interesting stories from her work, I have little to say about mine.
Sometimes my mom complains me being secretive of what I do. Everytime she says it I cry a little inside.1 -
Anyone else have the ritual of searching for curse words in code prior to committing & pushing your changes?8
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PISSED.
Fucking Docker, for no fucking reason (no updates, no changes, etc), I tried booting it up following the morning ritual, and nope, ERR_EMPTY_RESPONSE when connecting to my current project (means I managed to connect but for some reason no data is sent). Nginx container doesn't yell about anything.
Everything around works. Accessing the container works. Even pinging my dev domain works. Why the fuck suddenly fucking Docker just **stops**?!
Restarted Hyper-V, updated laradock, recreated containers, disabled AcrylicDNS. NOPE.
"Fuck you Phlisg, I'm not in the mood today" <lunatic Docker is lunatic>
ARG. -
The default girl. A girl without name. Blonde, young, in high school. Her name is whatever the most popular female name is right now. It changes. She must dress in the most popular clothing, she must accept name changes, she must shape her entire being around zeitgeist. Otherwise, she's punished severely, and sometimes it's cruel even, by no one other than her own parents. Raising a kid like this is a part of the ritual.
— Gotcha. I caught this cat, and because it makes its own replicas, you must release the cat you caught, as we should only catch one cat one time.
— No. Look closely! I wasn't lying when I told you cats of this breed had a life expectancy of two years. There are clones of two cats, not one.
— Oh… Yes, this one is kinda… dim? Sad?
— I brought you a new cat. It's the same breed. Sorry that you're learning about their real life expectancy just now. Now get that damn girl and bring her to the facility.4 -
!dev
Had a strange dream. I was in some place where I looked at some people or maybe one person I don’t know now making some ritual. Some sort of forming a new life being from white piece of modeling clay of something. Telling some spells. Standing in front of big jar. Like you see some old pictures of the witch or something in front of big jar telling spells and this white piece of clay was forming but I didn’t saw it to the end. Those people or person didn’t see me and I was very absorbed by the whole ceremony. I was alone ? I don’t know now but probably. Maybe I was in some sort of jar in the room of this witch as one of her trophy watching it behind the safety glass. So me was very small and this ritual was made by some giant.
As my mind start becoming aware what I am watching suddenly I heard voice of my mother that was screaming to me to get the fuck out of here.
I saw her running and someone was running toward me with big knife to kill her before she reach me.
I didn’t saw his face, before my mother reached me I turned around so he didn’t know my face either. I covered my face with my hands to don’t see him stabbing me with his big knife made of steel. Then I woke up lol. When I woke up I felt like I am slowly going back to my body.
I still have thrills 40 minutes later when I am writing this.
I probably didn’t suppose to see this ritual.
I slept for about 2 hours and I am fully awake and feel rested.
Well some of my dreams are really fucked up.8 -
Just for fun, so if you don't like fun, or humor, stop reading.
Someone in a thread once suggested toppling KFC (a joke of course)
But really, think about it, topple KFC? Why? Everyone knows Chick-fil-A or Wendy's will replace them one day anyway.
Join the "fresh never frozen" rebellion today.
The colonel is some fucking confederate-type anyway.
Clearly KFC appears to be part of the giant commie pinko modern slave state.
If they were real homies they'd sell grape drink.
But do they?
No.
Because it's all about them profits.
They want to be Master.
What's next we're all gonna be forced to wear chicken suits and stand in line begging for tendies while praising a giant golden idol of colonel Sanders like some 2021 throwback to an Aztec god?
Probably Human sacrifices after that. It's an old ritual. When civilizations (we live in a society) run out of meat what do they eat?
Soylent green is people.
Finger licking good.
Praise Sanders. (And please don't sacrifice me next Mr. Sanders! Ill work harder at this writing thing I swear!)7 -
Years ago I was in my late 20s.
Years and years ago.
If you asked me if I'd be drawn into a colossal waste of time as the whole country seemed to quite suddenly turn insane, i'd have called you crazy.
If you said 'you will have the same jobs at points others, you'll be tricked into driving around places under false pretenses and you'll have sex with 500+ women and keep forgetting because they'll find a way to tire you out or take advantage of some subject matter mirroring a childhood trauma' i'd say you were crazy.
well... none of you said that, so you're all crazy. otherwise now i'd say you were all honest and upright.
other than that my first day of repeat work was fine. thanks for asking. it feels good to do honest things for money.
maybe they like making me slowly filthy from some weird sex thing.
maybe this is a mating ritual of some sort lol
'fuck me you dirty dockworking ex jailbird on your way to becoming a developer all over again, you remind me of dad !"1 -
There are two kinds of art and leisure: Apollonian and Dionysian. Apollo was the god of light, knowledge and other such things. Dionysus was the god of wine and ritual madness. In a nutshell, the beauty of the stars in the sky is Apollonian, and the beauty of nice juicy ass is Dionysian.
My info landscape was too damn Dionysian lately. I don’t even use TikTok or Instagram. I mean music I listened to, like aggressive dumb rap, bad slang, swearing… Wherever you look, there are Cardi B’s and Kim K’s, with their ugly eyelashes, ugly makeup, ugly inflated lips, ugly voice, ugly things they say. Watching the dumbest shit ever on YouTube. The louder you scream, the funnier the joke. Also, the number one content is some people tearing down some other people: penguinz0 destroying someone again, debunk channels, drama…
Dionysian things can be attractive and comfortable, because they speak to our animal part. In a way, Dionysian is natural. But not everything that is natural is good.
I gave my info landscape an Apollonian cleansing. Unsubscribed from a lot of debunking channels. Changed the way I speak, adjusted my vocabulary. Deleted a lot of music from my library. Went from 6ix9ine to Pink Floyd, Sting and Dire Straits.
It all started two weeks ago. I feel… different, but not necessarily better. Time will tell.3 -
I feel like writing a screensaver is some kind of rite of passage
one of the screensavers is literally the masonry pyramid spinning in 3d, with a money sign behind it
I've joined a cult and this is the hazing ritual
I need to acquire food or chamomile to kick this caffeine. I've managed to get my app to run and acknowledge there's a screensaver window it may or may not be able to access (doing this in rust and all and not c, and not actually knowing c which is what all the guides / examples are for / of if you find them lol)
xscreensaver still thinks my thing is "not installed" whatever that damned means, but maybe a problem for another day
it at least runs the binary and I'm having the binary create a log file at an absolute directory to debug it
my life2
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