Details
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SkillsSwift/Obj-C, Titanium, Node.js, Photoshop/Sketch.
Joined devRant on 2/9/2018
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Happened a while ago but I still find it funny.
*phone rings*
Me: good morning sir, how can I help you?
Client: MY WEBSITE IS OFFLINE, FIX IT RIGHT NOW.
M: I'm going to take a look, what's the domain?
C: *gives domain*
M: I see, that domain expired already, it was cancelled through our customer portal by the client, you maybe or someone you know?
C: WHAT?! MY INTERNATIONAL BUSINESS DEPENDS ON THAT DOMAIN, I'D NEVER CANCEL IT, THIS IS BULLSHIT! I'F THE SITE GOES OFFLINE FOR A MONTH I'LL FUCKING GO BANKRUPT, YOU'RE GOING TO FIX THIS RIGHT NOW.
M: if I may ask, how is your business doing right now?
C: HOW IS THAT QUESTION RELEVANT RIGHT NOW?!
M: well, you said that if the site would go offline for a month, you'd go bankrupt. The domain registration ended about half a year ago so that's why I aske......
*beeeeep beeeeep beeeeep*
Well, okay then.14 -
Under settings, we made a checkbox labeled “Run Program Faster”. The state was saved but it didn’t do anything.
We turned it “on” when people said things were slow. Usually they were happy and no one complained the “run faster” option wasn’t working.29 -
Hi, I am a Javascript apprentice. Can you help me with my project?
- Sure! What do you need?
Oh, it’s very simple, I just want to make a static webpage that shows a clock with the real time.
- Wait, why static? Why not dynamic?
I don’t know, I guess it’ll be easier.
- Well, maybe, but that’s boring, and if that’s boring you are not going to put in time, and if you’re not going to put in time, it’s going to be harder; so it’s better to start with something harder in order to make it easier.
You know that doesn’t make sense right?
- When you learn Javascript you’ll get it.
Okay, so I want to parse this date first to make the clock be universal for all the regions.
- You’re not going to do that by yourself right? You know what they say, don’t repeat yourself!
But it’s just two lines.
- Don’t reinvent the wheel!
Literally, Javascript has a built in library for t...
- One component per file!
I’m lost.
- It happens, and you’ll get lost managing your files as well. You should use Webpack or Browserify for managing your modules.
Doesn’t Javascript include that already?
- Yes, but some people still have previous versions of ECMAScript, so it wouldn’t be compatible.
What’s ECMAScript?
- Javascript
Why is it called ECMAScript then?
- It’s called both ways. Anyways, after you install Webpack to manage your modules, you still need a module and dependency manager, such as bower, or node package manager or yarn.
What does that have to do with my page?
- So you can install AngularJS.
What’s AngularJS?
- A Javascript framework that allows you to do complex stuff easily, such as two way data binding!
Oh, that’s great, so if I modify one sentence on a part of the page, it will automatically refresh the other part of the page which is related to the first one and viceversa?
- Exactly! Except two way data binding is not recommended, since you don’t want child components to edit the parent components of your app.
Then why make two way data binding in the first place?
- It’s backed up by Google. You just don’t get it do you?
I have installed AngularJS now, but it seems I have to redefine something called a... directive?
- AngularJS is old now, you should start using Angular, aka Angular 2.
But it’s the same name... wtf! Only 3 minutes have passed since we started talking, how are they in Angular 2 already?
- You mean 3.
2.
- 3.
4?
- 5.
6?
- Exactly.
Okay, I now know Angular 6.0, and use a component based architecture using only a one way data binding, I have read and started using the Design Patterns already described to solve my problem without reinventing the wheel using libraries such as lodash and D3 for a world map visualization of my clock as well as moment to parse the dates correctly. I also used ECMAScript 6 with Babel to secure backwards compatibility.
- That’s good.
Really?
- Yes, except you didn’t concatenate your html into templates that can be under a super Javascript file which can, then, be concatenated along all your Javascript files and finally be minimized in order to reduce latency. And automate all that process using Gulp while testing every single unit of your code using Jasmine or protractor or just the Angular built in unit tester.
I did.
- But did you use TypeScript?37 -
Conversation between some kind of executives on the table next to mine:
A: do you know this app that'll let you hack into any Wi-Fi? You just click here, copy that and paste it here... and I hacked the restaurant's Wi-Fi. **laughs**
B: oh, only X? Bought. Wait... what is this "allow app to access your location"?
A: yeah, click "allow". You should also install a VPN.
B: what? BPN?
A: no, no. VPN. When you use a VPN you have a secure internet connection. You're protected from tracking, hacking and virus.4 -
One company i applied for never wanted to give me the job because they where building a prototype and they wanted someone familiar with their stack to get things up in a short time span.
*Fast forward 7 months*
The company i work currently with has been developing prototypes for startups to help validate their ideas and guess what, the bunch above came to our company unknowing that i work here and i have been put on the project as a lead.
Lol man, you cant write this stuff9 -
*client calls in*
Me: good morning, how can I help you?
Client: my ip is blocked, could you unblock it for me?
Me: certainly! What's your ip address? Then I'll have a look.
Client: I'm not giving you my ip?! That's too privacy sensitive.
Me: 😶
Me: 😶
Me: 😶
Me: sir, I'm very keen on my privacy myself but without that information I can't do much for you 😬
Client: ah so you're refusing to help me?
Me: not like that, it's just very hard to lift an ip block for me when I don't know the ip address.
Client: you just don't want to help, fine.
*click*
😶32 -
Friend: *deletes something from the internet*
"Thank god, now it's gone forever!"
Me: *Laughs in French*
"Hahahaha!"
Friend: "What?"
Me: "No, I'm pretty sure almost everything you put on the internet stays on the internet."
Friend: "ARE YOU STUPID??! The button says fucking DELETE. What else would it to do? Please use your brain for once."
Me: "You realize that text in the button is just a string right?"
Friend: *Looks confused*
"Stop trying to be such a smartass. Why would it be called 'delete' if it doesn't delete? Your logic make no sense whatsoever."
Me: *Makes quick simple app in order to prove my point*
App has 4 buttons:
-Play Music: Shows a picture of a dog
-Stop Music: Starts playing music video of Never gonna give you up
-Close App: Changes the interface to a random color
-Delete App: Pop up that says "The app has been deleted"
Friend: *Installs and tries the app*
"Dude! Did you even test your app before sending me?? Your buttons are broken as hell. None of them works. They all do things they're not supposed to do. How do you even call yourself a programmer? Sorry dude, nothing personal but this app sucks."
Me: *I need a new friend*
*sigh*22 -
Too much stupid today..
Client: "Our server is almost full, fix it"
Me: "Okay, you can upgrade the VM, or I can see if theres anything that can be cleaned up?"
C: "Clean it up"
Me: *Finds 5 extra MySQL DB's that amount to 50-60GB in total*
Me: "Well I can remove some of your extra databases, and some of the local backups, as they're also backed up offsite. They're currently unused and dated back to the beginning of 2017, everything is out of date anyways."
C: "No"
Me: "Okay, is there a reason?"
C: "No"
Me: "Okay, so we'll upgrade the VM?"
C: "No"
Me: "I'm sorry, but those are really your two options"
C: "Just fix it"
...................
...................
...................
What in the ducking fuck !@#$#%?
If you're so fuggin smart, then why do they pay me?
I'm clearly stupid and unable to read your mind.21 -
Our current designer is convinced that 00FF44 bright green fits well with the rest of our soft purple/blue color scheme.
I am not a designer, but have worked in a color laboratory, so I've tried time and time again to explain CIE LAB color space, and how at least HCL is a good way to pick & group colors into palettes by using 2-3 luminances for equidistant hues while keeping chroma constant.
I've tried to tell him that the bright green almost physically makes my eyes bleed, because humans are quite sensitive to greens.
He just keeps using the phrase "but it makes the buttons pop nicely".
I just want to pop his skull open with my keyboard. 😫11 -
Client: we need you to give us access to the code ASAP. We don't like this black box approach.
Me: You have always had access to the code. It is here on this bitbucket repo and your usernames have admin access.
Client: We want the code moved to our GitHub before EOD.
I check out how to move repos over and it's fairly easy.
Me: just give me access to create a repo on your GitHub account and you can have the code moved over.
Client: Sorry it's late in the day and we stepped out to get drinks. (It was 2:30 pm). Not sure why you think there is a rush on this, we'll handle it first thing next week.
Me: WTF14 -
During a random school project.
Me: *Explains why team members idea is bad*
Team member: *Im going to do it like this anyways.*
Me: *add explaination of why idea is bad to git commit log.*
1 week later: some parts of the project dont work like they are suppost to.
Team member: *dude can you help me bla bla....(encounters issue i mentioned regarding his idea)*
Me: *no, i've already got too much on my plate. please, sort it out yourself....*
At the presentation
Teacher: *ask question about problem*
Team member: *tries to blame the problem on me....*
Me: *shows git commit log to teacher*
Me: *passing grade*
Team member: *failing grade*
Justice served.27 -
Food arrives, boss grabs his food.
Boss: ahhhh finally! *looks lovingly at food* you won't hear me for the next 15 minutes 😍 *starts eating*
Me: well that was about fucking time.
Boss: 😐😶
Other engineers: 😂 *trying to keep food in*4 -
Background: I work at a small startup company in Canada who makes simple FAQ Chatbots for companies who waste a lot of resources on the same Customer questions over and over.
So we were making this one bot for a provincial government who wanted a bot for students to be able to ask questions regarding the upcoming election and how to vote, etc. and get the answers they were looking for. Since it's Canada and a government bot, it had to be in both English AND French.
These bots take some time to train (we use Wit.ai mostly) in english so it was a challenge to train it in French. However I am bilingual (not very strong in French but can manage) so I did my best and the bot didn't turn out too bad. (English was great, French was, Id say, "not terrible").
HOWEVER, now that it is done (The company loved it, even with the less than perfect french version). The sales team (who know nothing of the process of making/training these bots) is now telling companies we support "SEVERAL LANGUAGES" and are currently about to sign a contract with a company overseas that wants a bot done IN JAPANESE!!.
To make matters worse.. when we (the dev team) brought up that it would be EXTREMELY difficult to do this, their answer was ... "You did it in French so you can just do the same but in Japanese"
HOW DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE.
Oh well, Rosetta Stone here I come, I guess it's time to learn Japanese.11 -
At my study's final exams, I coded a system with login and everything included.
Showed it at the final delivery:
Fake client: awesome! So how do I logout?
Me: 😐
Me: 😶
Me: 😁
Me: 😓
Me: 😭
Yeah, you couldn't logout.30 -
My boss came into my room today, sat down and said:
Take your family to the [BIG AMUSEMENT PARK], and please keep the reciepts and give them to me. Spend a couple of hundreds bucks and we will pay.
Thanks for being someone whom I can trust
That made me happy15 -
I remember back at study I had this friend who hated windows just as much as I did.
Then, for a project, he HAD to run windows on his laptop.
He was very fucking angry about that but did this:
Installed a Linux (debian?) vm (virtualbox) on his laptop and gave it all the spare resources.
Then he ran it fullscreen.
He was still using windows technically but at boot up he booted up the Linux vm and he just worked with that one.
Teacher wasn't pleased but he couldn't do much since the fucker ran windows on his laptop as instructed xD13 -
My sister is 16yo and she is not interested in the C.S field. I gave her last year my laptop and it has Debian on it, since i bought a new one. She never told me that she has to deal with any problem, she was just using it.
Today she got a new laptop from our grandma and she texts me "hey, is there any way i can install Linux on that? I don't want to use windows".
Well i told her that she has to wait me to come back home next month and i will take care of it.
I had never thought that i will listen something like that. Good day.19 -
Random guy : Well I'm not tracked on the internet, I use private tabs.
Me : Well, I'm not sleeping with your mom, I use condoms10 -
Kudos to namecheap for making whoisguard (domain whois protection) free forever!
Kudos to them for giving everyone the option of privacy, for free.38 -
My LinkedIn profile bio:
... however I’m not interested in hybrid mobile or contract work.
My LinkedIn “notes to recruiters”:
... I’m not interested in hybrid mobile or contract work.
My preferences:
- ticked full time permanent
- listed native technologies in the tag selector.
Email this morning:
Hi are you interested in the below role:
Role: Hybrid mobile developer
Salary: xxxxx
Type: 6 - 12 month contract.
No I am not you fucking fucktard. Read my fucking profile or go fuck yourself with a fucking cactus!9 -
Me: *staring at computer screen, not looking busy*
Boss: Why are you not working?
Me: I am, I'm just waiting for this thing to finish installing.
Boss: You do realize you can still do other stuff while that's running, right?
Me: Didn't you send me an article last week about the dangers of multitasking?
Boss: um...
Me: *now intently staring at progress bar..."
Boss: fuck sakes... *walks away*11