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Search - "yeah right"
Happened a while ago but I still find it funny.
Me: good morning sir, how can I help you?
Client: MY WEBSITE IS OFFLINE, FIX IT RIGHT NOW.
M: I'm going to take a look, what's the domain?
C: *gives domain*
M: I see, that domain expired already, it was cancelled through our customer portal by the client, you maybe or someone you know?
C: WHAT?! MY INTERNATIONAL BUSINESS DEPENDS ON THAT DOMAIN, I'D NEVER CANCEL IT, THIS IS BULLSHIT! I'F THE SITE GOES OFFLINE FOR A MONTH I'LL FUCKING GO BANKRUPT, YOU'RE GOING TO FIX THIS RIGHT NOW.
M: if I may ask, how is your business doing right now?
C: HOW IS THAT QUESTION RELEVANT RIGHT NOW?!
M: well, you said that if the site would go offline for a month, you'd go bankrupt. The domain registration ended about half a year ago so that's why I aske......
*beeeeep beeeeep beeeeep*
Well, okay then.17
Client: Hey, you're the IT guy right?
Me: Hey, how can I help?
Client: Yeah for some reason I've lost power to my computer
Me: *Checks power, all computers are down due to a power cut*
Me: You'll have to contact your power supplier as you've lost power to all computers and lights.
Client: What, but the computers are not working right? - that's you're job not mine
Me: That's not how it works.
Client: Fix this or I'll bill you for the loss of money we've encountered during this and report this to your boss.
Me: How about I bill you for my time and advice and inform by boss that you tried to blame me for a power cut.
Client: You can try.
Me: *walks off and puts time in the ticket, requests purchasing to send an invoice*
2 Days later:
The client does not pay the invoice.
Me: (phone call) Hi, an invoice has been sent to you and we haven't received payment yet.
Client: were not paying that, you broke our power and made our computers break
Random : Hey you're a programmer right?
Me : Yeah? *excited about possibilities*
Random : I am having troubles installing a game I downloaded. I've been trying for three weeks now.
Me : *sigh* OK, I'll have a look, but I can't guarantee I'll get it right.
*Spend about 10 seconds installing game.*
Random : How did you do that?
Me : I read the error message, it was pointing to the wrong file.
Random : You are a god man *calls wife* come look at this genius. *calls daughter* look at that *calls dog* this guy is so amazing.
I also now avoid Random, he had three hard drives, each with a different version of Windows installed, he totally screwed his bios, he admitted not having put thermal paste on his cpu. And he asked me to fix all of this whenever I have time.
I am not your computer fixer guy. Take It to the shop.13
Guy called in:
Guy: hello, i can't seem to login to the sql database, could you check if the ip whitelist went right? It's on the *names server* server.
Me: *checks if guy is calling from an authorized number* - nope.
Me: I'm sorry but you're not calling from an authorized number so I can't check that for you!
Guy: no you don't understand. I don't want any of this not-authorized bullshit, I just want a solution for this right now.
Me: and I just want you to call from an authorized number.
Yeah, I actually said that. He wasn't very happy 😅
I'm still employed by the way 🤣12
Train conversation between 3 girls:
A: "Oh, I've got 4G.. "
B: "What, we have 4G!?"
C: "OMG I HATE 4G!"
A: "Yeah, it's almost as slow as E"
C: "I know, right?!"
Kill me pls17
Me: Alright, let's code!
School: Psst. Hey.
School: Remember that assignment from last week?
Me: Oh god please no.
School: Yeah, it's tomorrow. And you have a Geography exam next Monday. You love geography, right?
Me: Please, no, I want to become a programmer, not a--
School: Shush... It's okay. Programming can wait. You want a to get a job, right? What would they say when they see your poor Geography?
Me: That doesn't even... Okay, fine, I'll do it...
* two days later *
Me: Fuck me! Finally! Let's do some coding now.
School: Psst. Hey.16
Me: *sends email 45 minutes before a meeting*.
Boss: *20 mins into meeting*, any updates about the issues found yesterday?
Me: Yep I sent an email with an update on everything.
Boss: ok great, *shares screen*, *opens email*.
Ok want to walk us through it?
Me: ...... walk through my email?
Boss: Yeah we have everyone here in the meeting.
Me: ...... yeah I included all of them on the email.
Boss: Right, but it would be good to go through it for everyone’s benefit.
Me: *Reads email word for word, from the screen share*
I will now refer to him from this day forth as “The Time Vampire”.24
Boss walked towards his office asking a coworker to do something.
Coworker replied that he'd like to but only the boss has the login codes or something like that.
Boss: ah right *walks to coworkers table* let me enter that stuff *starts typing*
Coworker: Maybe I'm running a keylogger 😏
Me: *exchanging funny eye contact with coworker* yeah maybe he is.... 😏
Boss: *looking back and forth at both our faces suspiciously*
*three of us laughing*
(sensitive parts censored)
Friend: Hey, can you hack my (some website) account?
Me: Depends... What's your username?
Friend: (tells username)
Me: (clicks forgot password?)
Friend: I will give $10 if you do it. There is 2 factor authentication enabled.
Me: (silence) Ok.
Website: Please type the class number you were in in 4th grade.
Me: Hey, did you graduated BLAH elementary school?
Me: Ahh, I remember. You moved to BLAH elementary school in what grade?
Me: Hmmm, I don't remember seeing you. What class were you in?
Me: Well, I now remember. Stupid me. (smirks)
Friend: Haha. (continues to play games beside me)
Me: (Types in 8)
Website: We sent you a password to firstname.lastname@example.org
Me: (uhh, heads to example.com and clicks forget password?)
Email: Please type the class number you were in in 4th grade.
Me: (wtf is this, types 8)
Email: Please type the teacher's name when you were in in 4th grade.
Me: What was the teacher's name?
Me: When you were in 4th grade.
Friend: Ahh! John Smith.
Me: Ahh, he was strict, right?
Friend: Yeah (continues to play games again)
Me: (Types in John Smith)
Email: Set a new password.
Me: (Types "youaresostupid")
Me: (copies PLAIN TEXT password from email, logs in to website)
Me: Money plz~
Me: (wtf, then remembers i changed his email password) Fine then.
1. There is 2 factor authentication enabled. : Got it?
2. The website sent plaintext password.
3. He is just pure idiot.
4. I didn't got the money.
5. I am now a h4x0r12
Me: Did Sherry let you know that I'm leaving today?
Coworker: what!? No!
Me: yeah... I'm leaving.
Coworker: huh, I'm not surprised...
Me: what is that supposed to mean!?
Co: shit man, this job sucks, I'm not surprised. I'll be leaving right behind you.
Me: oh.... Um... April Fools... 😬
Co: God damnit.
Me: don't worry, I won't tell the boss how you really feel.5
Boss: We are using Angular 1 in our project, right?
Me: AngularJS, yeah, we are using it.
Boss: I heard they have AngularJS 4 now and it's faster and better.
Me: Angular, yeah that's much better.
Boss: So shouldn't we upgrade it? Can you do it this week?
Me: Erm... It's gonna take more than a week.
Boss: How much time do you need?
Me: 6 months, at least.
Boss: What if I put one more guy with you on this? How much time will it take then?
Me: Let me rephrase. It's gonna take 6 months for the entire team to upgrade all the modules in our product to Angular 4. Not including the time to train everyone on Angular and TypeScript.
Boss: Oh, Angular 1 is suddenly seemed to me a better option now.
Me: Smart move 😉11
Me: *poking my girlfriend
Her: *the look of pure hatred in her eyes
Me: remember you can't break these fingers. These fingers are the reason we have money
Her: *groans* Yeah, you're right14
Frontend-developer's day is like:
*moving element by 0.0001px to right*:
- *10 new pages appeared*
- *text suddenly disappeared*
- *pictures pierced bottom of page*
- *window.alert("Kill me")*
- *it's night outside the window, but you totally sure a minute ago was a noon*
*moving element back*:
- *no pictures*
- *no text*
- *no moon*
- *10 blank pages*
- *only darkness left in this world...
...and this fcking element, yeah*20
TL;DR: Teacher wants to invest in my company 😲
So, just this morning as I headed to class (still in school, 17 years old, from Germany) someone tapped me from behind - a female teacher whom I've only seen a few times (She is a really nice and friendly teacher who teaches economics)
She asked me: Aren't you the young businessman? I've seen your interview, fantastic! (Background info: I recently founded my second firm (Webdevelopment, Design and Marketing) and was quite often in the media (local newspaper, television, radio))
Quite unsure, I responded: "yeah, right".
Promptly she asked: "Is there some way I can invest in your company? Perhaps in stocks?" (Of course we can't offer stocks, we're just a small local company lol)
Me: "There always is a way I guess?" (I was extremely grateful but didn't know how to respond)
Her: "Great! Would you mind sending me an email with your contact info?"
What the fuck just happened. 😂20
"You make websites?! I need a website! For a great client like me, it would look great on your portfolio! So you wouldn't want money right?!"
Yeah mate, cause communism won the war and I can live off kindness, puppies, and rainbows.11
After a long battle with CSS I give up and show the client a preview.
Client: I like how you made this first row a bit wider. Really makes it stand out.
Me: Yeah...right, that was intentional... 😎4
Me: Wanna see this website I built this weekend?
Friend: Yeah, sure.
Me: I connected a bunch of APIs so you can snap a photo of yourself and get a recommended song based on your facial expression. Pretty cool, right?
Friend: *thinking* ... I think you should change the size of that button, and the colors are pretty bad, dude.
Every time I show my non-tech friends anything I get this kind of feedback :/19
*permission popup asking for contacts/telephone permissions*
*installs Open Camera*
Really, fucking phone/contact permissions to take pictures?!
Yeah fuck right off.28
"could I get admin privileges to reboot this server?"
Sounds valid enough, right?
OH YEAH SURE, YOU'RE A TINY USER ON A HUGE ASS SHARED SERVER, OF COURSE I'LL GIVE YOU ROOT ACCESS TO REBOOT THE WHOLE FUCKING SERVER.
Worst part, he didn't understand why that would be weird.
Can I buy a little common sense somewhere for this guy?28
Boss: make this thing
Me: yeah no worries. Where is the spec?
Boss: We don't have enough one but we outsourced the design so call him
Designer: haven't started yet
Boss: I'm going on holiday. I'll leave this to you.
Me: erm ok. I'm having a few problems getting stuff out of the designer though.
*2 weeks later and still no designs*
Boss: I'm back. Where is the progress?!
*1 week later i get half designs that sort of make sense*
Boss: hurry up!
*1 week later*
Me: designer you're busting my balls here
Designer: yeah lol
Me to boss: still having problems. No idea what I'm doing.
Boss: deal with it
*2 days later*
PM: we are demoing it to clients tomorrow
Me: brilliant. I'll become a magician then.
* Meeting goes well and no one notices the thing is a bit buggy*
*2 days later*
Me to boss and pm: you already know whats going on but I'll keep trying.
Boss: ok it's just a proof of concept anyway.
Designer: yeah here's the rest of the designs lol
*1 week later, the designs made no sense, no idea what they wanted but hey it's a proof of concept so I'll just do my best...*
*suddenly again, hey you have 1 week before we sell it. Lol. smashes a product together as fast as humanly possible, due to half designs and no time to do it right even html classes and CSS aren't right - didn't know things would be repeated at the time. No time to fix entire thing. Luckily just a proof of concept*
New senior developer: hey boss just said this is being sold tomorrow.
Me: wtf..It's a proof of concept and i was given longer...
New senior developer: no
Senior developer and all colleagues: it's full of bugs and doesn't work
Me: yes that will happen without specs, random tight deadlines, no designs that made sense and a total of about a week and a half to make an entire system for multiple user types to make applications, send messages, post jobs, handle all paperwork and move paperwork among different user types as they go through applications. I told everyone what was going on but i get no support...
Boss: wtf i gave you so long! All i know is my entire staff is working on a product that should be done ages ago
Me: ok, however i have said almost every day i need-
Boss: I'm not interested
*I finish my placement year and never get any promised work or the job offer*
Got a great boss!!;
Me: Hey, do we have a corporate GitHub account?
Boss: *excitedly* do we need it? We'll get it!
Me: uhh, yeah, we need it 😉
Don't care he doesn't know what it is, got his trust to get all the right tools!14
I'm signing up for steam for playing a specific game.
Entered a freaking difficult/long password: "Choose a less commonly used password"
Yeah right, what in the actual fuck.26
Her: you're a coder right?
Me: I prefer programmer, yeah why?
Her: I accidentally switched my phone to another language and I...
The Perfect Storm:
Girlfriend call me while am at a meeting.
I mute my phone...
She calls again and again for the 3rd time back to back. I leave the meeting stating this might be important..
I answer the call...
Me: hey babe , all okay ?
She: you’re busy ?
Me: yeah sorta , tell me wassup ?
She : if you’re busy then it’s okay we can talk later
Me: it’s all right . Are you okay ?
She : yes, but if you’re busy we can talk later ..
Me :(FUCKKKKKKKK THIS FUCKING FUCK WOMEN LOGIC, HOW THE FUCK DO YOU EXPLAIN THIS)
The above statement was said internally
Me:(in reality) you sure babe? I’ve left the meeting so I can talk..
She: nothin much I was suppose to be in your area in a couple of hours so wanted to know if you could meet28
A while ago (few months) I was on the train back home when I ran into an old classmate. I know that he's a designer/frontend/wordpress guy and I know that he'll bring anyone down in order to feel good. I also know that he knows jack shit about security/backend.
The convo went like this:
Me: gotta say though, wordpress and its security...
Him: yeah ikr it's bad. (me thinking 'dude you hardly know what the word cyber security means)
Me: yeah, I work at a hosting company now, most sites that get hacked are the wordpress ones.
Him: yeah man, same at my company. I made a security thing for wordpress though so we can't get hacked anymore.
Me; *he doesn't know any backend NOR security..... Let's ask him difficult stuff*
Oh! What language did you use?
Him: yeah it works great, we don't get hacked sites anymore now!
Me: ah yeah but what language did you use?
Him: oh it's not about what language you use, it's about whether it works or not! My system works great!
Me: *yeah.....right.* oh yeah but I'd like to know so I can learn something. What techniques did you use?
Him: well obviously firewalls and shit. It's not about what techniques/technology you use, it's about whether it works or not!
That's the moment I was done with it and steered the convo another way.
You don't know shit about backend or security, cocksucker.16
Bob, could you hand me that paperclip?
Could you also hand me that paperclip?
Right... sure, of course.
Could you also hand me the next paperclip?
Fuck off, why don't I just give you the whole fucking box!
Yeah Bob, please, throw the whole fucking box.
Wait, is that a printed screenshot of my code you're attaching the paperclips to?
It sure is, Bob.16
Friend: You are a computer engineer right?
*In my head: Dont ask me if I can hack someone's facebook account.
Friend: Can you hack steam and buy games for free??
Drug dealer : yo, you code right?
Me: yeah, why
Drug dealer: can you hack into the police station.. You know, see if they are checking me out.. If they know I'm dealing.. I'll just move
(I've never hacked but I know i could learn if I have to)
Me:... That's actually brilliant
I love in a small town at the moment.. I bet the police security is a joke
Kinda high risk though30
Friend: hey I started learning java..
Me: great, good luck.
*After few minutes
Friend: Hey I heard you're good in java programming..
Me: yeah I know stuff.
Friend: So can you teach me all good things in java?
Friend: half hour is supposed to be enough, right?
Me: hell no, it's not like that..
this stupid thinks half hour is enough to transmit all my career to his stoned brain..
I am going to die!14
Friend: "You are good with computers right?"
Friend: "Can you put an eye on my computer? Mint crash at every startup"
Me: (Oh Linux! For this time ok) "Yeah, show me"
My friend open the pc...
Pc: "KERNEL PAAAAANIC!"
Me: ".... WTF!?"
Friend: "Can you repair this?"
That was a long day...
(My friend closed the lid without the drivers and then the pc from the standby did not wake up correctly)6
Yeah, you thought it right! This one aims for the stress ball...Come on devRants, I have faith in you!2
So a fucking friend of mine makes me meet this fella who is a big shot according to his LinkedIn and please note has too much experience with Web Apps and Python
Me being naive actually trusted that and I meet him.
Fella: So what do you do?
Me: I am into Cyber Security nothing much I just do bug hunting for now
Fella: You know python will help you right?
Fella: You see you have to be a python programmer for anything you want to do in CS
Me: Me yeah I kinda know python actually I am more into Ruby from start so ( Around this time I kinda sensed that he is a fake tech guy he is a corporate asshole)
Fella: show me any of your work
Me: (So to show him one of the thing I was working on I open GitHub desktop app) Me explaining blah blah blah
*Fella is in shock*
So at this point I was thinking probably he is impressed and that's why the shock right?
No a big fucking no
Apparently he never heard about GitHub or git and got blown away by the interface.
And the friend who made me meet that guy is not my fucking friend anymore that prick can die for ruining my day20
Suddenly my KDE neon installation didn't want to start anymore. (emergency recovery shell)
Immediately searching for solutions, praying for the best...
Saw a suggestion about removing any custom /etc/fstab entries. Removed an entry i added earlier today.
Boots again right away, fuck yeah, Linux, I fucking love you ❤︎6
Had this yesterday on my way back home from the meeting. Bumped into an old study friend who was never fond of Linux even for servers.
"so what do you use at your company?"
"oh uhm yeah uhm right.... Ehh yes ehhhh so uhm like we use like uhm Linux for the servers"
"ah, and? Works well?"
"uhm well uhm yeah ehh yeah works uhm pretty..... Pretty ehhhhhh good 😅. It appears to eh work.... Like uhm very good for servers after all..."
Hearing that coming out of his mouth....
Another incident which made a Security Researcher cry 😭😭😭
[ NOTE : Check my profile for older incident ]
I was invited by a fellow friend to a newly built Cyber Security firm , I didn't asked for any work issues as it was my friend who asked me to go there . Let's call it X for now . It was a good day , overcast weather , cloudy sky , everything was nice before I entered the company . And the conversation is as follows :
Fella - Hey! Nice to see you with us .
Me - Thanks! Where to? *Asking for my work area*
Fella - Right behind me .
Me - Good thing :)
Fella - So , the set-up is good to go I suppose .
Me - Yeah :)
*I'm in my cabin and what I can see is a Windows VM inside Ubuntu 12.4*
*Fast forward to 1 hour and now I'm at the cafeteria with the Fella*
Fella - Hey! Sup? How was the day?
Me - Fine *in a bit confused voice*
Fella - What happened mate , you good with the work?
Me - Yeah but why you've got Windows inside Ubuntu , I mean what's the use of Ubuntu when I have to work on Windows?
Fella - Do you know Linux is safe from Malwares?
Me - Yeah
Fella - That's why we are using Windows on VM inside Linux .
Me - For what?
Fella - To keep Windows safe from Malwares as in our company , we can't afford any data loss!
Me - 😵 *A big face palm which went through my head and hit another guy , made me a bit unconscious*
I ran for my life as soon as possible , in future I'm never gonna work for anyone before asking their preferences .9
A customer calls to ask about our software, its features and its advantages and so on.
I answer him all his questions in a 45 minutes support call.
Then he decides to order the software from our website using the order form.
After 1h i get another call by the same guy saying he cant order.
I ask him why and he says that he is blind and his screen reader does not read out the form/website content.
So i filled out the order form with him together because im a nice person and customer is king. (Took me 20 minutes).
After that i ask our webdevelopers if they considered to make the website more disabled friendly.
They responded with no because it dosent matter.
Yeah fuck me right! Fuck the disabled customers we dont care.
I think thats kind of stupid but who cares right!!12
In the compeny where i work for...
Me: who's our sysadmin?
Some senior: we don't have one. Me, i guess?
Me: (pokerface. yeah..right. walk away.)11
I might have posted this before. But I am going to post it again. Because emojis.
Me: 😁 Software lead I have finished coding the thing.
SL: 😀 Cool, good job. That is going to really help out the analysts.
Software Manager: 😐 hey I noticed you have coded a new thing and pushed it to integration.
Me: 😁 Yes.
SM: 😐 Well how do you know when it's done?
Me: 😑 . . . When you run it and it does the thing?
SM: 😐 Did you write test steps?
Me: 😕 Yeah . . . they're in the issue ticket.
SM: 😐 Yeah but how do you know those are right?
Me: 😕 Because I wrote the thing and the test steps?
SM: 😐 did you put any steps in our acceptance test procedure?
Me: 😕 No.
SM: 😐 why not?
Me: 😧 Because the acceptance test procedure tests requirements. There is no requirement for this functionality.
SM: 😑 Then why did you do it?
Me: 🤔 Because it was an internal request from the analysis team. There is no customer impact here.
SM: 😑 I really think we should write a requirement.
SL: 🤔 But what requirement is he going to attach this to?
SM: 😑 We don't have to attach it to a requirement. We can just test it once and remove it.
Me: 😒 SM, you know we never remove anything from the acceptance test procedure.
SM: 🙂 We do sometimes.
SL: 🤔 When was that I have worked here for twenty years and we have never removed a test from that document.
SM: 😧 I really think there should be an acceptance test written.
SL: 😧 Looks like you're writing an acceptance test.
Me: 😒 Alright as long as y'all're payin'. Shit I was just tryin' to save y'all money.
*acceptance test written and sent to peer review*
Peer: 😐 The requirement tested section doesn't have any requirements spelled out.
Me: 😅 No.
Peer: 🤔 Why?
Me: 😓 Because there is no requirement associated with this test.
Peer: 🤔 Then why are we adding an acceptance test?
Me: 😡 WELL AIN'T THAT A GOOD GOD DAMN QUESTION!?7
'Lets make a security blog, sounds awesome!'
Yeah the idea is awesome, domain name is setup and the server is already running.
Choosing a CMS is proving to be the biggest challenge right now, few hours of searching and still can't find anything that suits my needs 😅63
Frontend team : We pushed our code. Please give instructions regarding integration with Backend.
Me : Alright. I'll provide you the API docs and you can continue with integration.
F : But that's your job. No?
Me (didn't want to argue) : I'll look into it. Let me check out the frontend till then.
* Goes on to see the frontend *
I am kidding you not, that moth*rf*ck*r pushed an entire template along with dummy text.
Me : Hey! This doesn't seem right. It's just a template you got off the internet.
F : Yeah! That's what I have to do. To put on the dynamic content from database is your work. Don't put your responsibilities on me!!
Are you f*cking kidding me?! Do your work right or I am reporting you to the team lead!
Meanwhile, team lead : *sips coffee. Disappears for months*
Dear Telegram, the fact that you're using a service which provides app usage/metrics/analytics kind of is not nice.
"But they've got the right to!"
Of course they do. But, when you advertise yourself as a messaging app focused on privacy, I expect you to behave that way.
And yes, we know your crypto is broken as fuck but that's not the point right now.
Oh and yeah, the next blog item will probably be about Telegram and how not-privacy friendly it is.23
It's funny to see how a coworker of mine and me are very similar minded on some privacy stuff. He's a very cool/open guy and just a regular consumer (used the default services etc) but he shares quite some of my views. This is a convo we had today:
*got to the WhatsApp subject somehow*
Him: oh right, you didn't use that haha
Me: yeah 😅
Him: why was that again, privacy reasons or something, right? xD
Me: uhm yes *help*
Him: Well fair enough.
Me: so you'd think I'm right? I mean it uses end to end crypto... (I'm entirely with him in the next few lines but I always approach it carefully)
Him: they veeeery probably have some kinda fucking masterkey.
Me: why'd you think that?
Him: it has over a billion users, the owner is facebook, fb is directly integrated with several mass surveillance programs, they are known to work closely with one particular one, the intelligence interests are way too high for letting such an opportunity pass and after all, THE FUCKER IS CLOSED SOURCE AKA NO ONE CAN FUCKING VERIFY THE CRYPTO NOR THE APP ITSELF.
Me: I agree haha 😅
Him: it's not rocket science, it's modern day mass tracking/surveillance logic :)
I like that guy.5
Yeah so OK this ancient legacy clusterfuck we've been maintaining and keeping alive finally broke. And even though I'm very pleased with both being right, and the well deserved right to say I TOLD YOU SO, SO MANY MANY FUCKING TIMES to all in management, it's the definition of hate to work 18 hours a day to fix the shit someone else built, that they refused us to refactor. Ah, but wait; there's more! Everyone thinks it's our fault (R&D), because historically it was our department that built the system. Ten years ago. So sales and support are now all over us, those responsible for us being in this mess are either gone or so high up in management that they refuse to take part.
Taking the fall and blame and workload, for something we warned repeatedly about, but were refused to do something with, because shiny features and new apps is what is important!
I'd understand it if the numbers were red, but they arent!! We are growing so fast it was inevitable!
I fucking hate companies who dont listen to their devs..... also companies who places ops on dev shoulders.
Yaaaargh! Also; two developers means twice as fast? No? Fuuuuuck!!!11
Me: Boss, your new project is ready, we've tested the technical aspect but we're waiting on your approval before deploying, will you test it?
Boss: yeah sure, I'll test it in 5
*2 weeks later*
Boss: why isn't that project deployed yet?
Me: you haven't tested it, and we haven't gotten approval
Boss: oh right, I'll go test it right now!
*2 weeks later*
Boss: I NEED that project to go live RIGHT THIS MOMENT!!!
Me: sure, have you tested it yet?
Boss: nope, but I need it
Me: well, I'll put it live, but me and my colleagues are shifting responsibility to you, since you haven't tested it. Are you sure?
Boss: yeah, yeah whatever...
*put product online*
*2 days later*
Angry call from boss, bugs have been found, tell him that he approved the state of the product and that the bugs will go on the to-do list...
Boss is extremely pissed, but recognized his mistake...
Now, the boss actually tests everything thoroughly at the moment we tell him to! No more bugs, complaints, and I got a raise!6
Do you spell it github or jithub?
So this person i met on one interview.
// Looking thru my resume
P: so you have put this code on jithub right?
Me: yeah, on github.
... // A moment of silence from him.
So, which one is the correct?18
Software company director: we build Java applications right?
Director: it's the same, right?
Director: fuck, I pitched a Java application.
A few hours later...
Director on the phone: Yeah, we are building it in Java...16
Had this with a relative. His laptop wasn't turning on, with or without charger so he brought it back to the store to fix it. It ran elementary os by the way (detail for later). Then he got it back after a week and we booted it and it had windows 8 installed (wtf indeed). So we called the service desk to ask about it since the issue was a broken charger (!!!). Their reply: oh yeah there was a weird system installed on it so we thought we'd reset it as well for you.
SERIOUSLY, THAT'S NOT YOUR FUCKING JOB!!
He is not tech savvy and he didn't know much about backups so that was literally about one year of work GONE. Yeah, I setup a cloud backup sync thingy for him right after that.7
Manager: we use <teaming meeting service> for all of our team meetings.
Me: cool I'll go to the site and join the meeting.
Me: [using opera as default browser]
Service: [doesn't work with opera]
Me: [not really surprised, tries firefox]
Service: I need java to run me.
Me: I have java.
Firefox: yeah but I don't.
Firefox: 'cause we're phasing it out.
Me: [looking for some kind of plugin]
Internet: [tldr Firefox can only use 32bit java if it must use java]
Me: [installs 32 bit java]
Firefox: [covering its eyes] I can't see anything
Me: it's right there.
Me: ... please?
Me: [checks service supported browsers]
Service: on Linux: ONLY FIREFOX
Me: .... fuck...
Me: [downloads Linux-32 distro]
Me: [runs as vm]
Me: [installs Firefox esr]
Me: [installs java-32]
Me: [manually creates plugin for Firefox to recognize java]
Me: [logs onto service and signs in]
Service: Meeting concluded 26 minutes ago.7
Client: You can develop a e-commerce system for me right?
Me: Yeah sure, whats your budget?
Client: 100$ and I want a really good vps included in the price.
** FManzi left the conversation **
No more work for inexperienced5
Trashy Girl that literally did not talk to me in over five years and even back then only talked to me if she needed something texts me today:
Girl: Hi :) How are you?
Me: *oh fuck no* Hi! Good, how about you?
Girl: Great! You know how to program apps right?
Me: *Fuck you* Yeah, whatcha planning?
Girl: Sooo my boyfriends brother has an idea for an app, it’s basically like instagram and snapchat but it’s actually *insert location based snapchat ripoff idea*
Me: Well sure but that’s quite a long term project and App Development kinda isn’t cheap to outsource!
I’m like what did you expect?
Same shit everyday. Sometimes I consider starting a new life in a country where noone knows I can code, work remote and answer with “pleas” when people ask me what I do.15
So now I'm working on my first collab with a fellow devRanter on a privacy website thingy! Excited and want to start working on it right away.
BUT OH NO I'VE GOTTA GO TO WORK IN 15 MINUTES TO STAND BEHIND A TABLE PACKING MOTHERFUCKING BOXES ALL DAY, YEAH NO THAT SOUNDS FUCKING COCKSUCKING EXCITING. (okay I can pay rant but still).
I need a hug 😞43
Mam: Hey can I ask you a question about Facebook?
Me: (Christ give me strength) ... sure whats up?
Mam: You know when you get a notification and you click on it and see what someone uploaded?
Me: ... you are not on Facebook, you can't be getting notifications
Mam: well I do. Is it possible to...
Me: No hang on a second, it is 110% not possible for this to happen. Something else is going on that you think is a notification.
Mam: You know when you are on, and you see a message like "12 new notifications"
Me: on? on what? this is happening on your phone is it? Can I see?
Mam: No its on my laptop at home.
Me: ... you have an old laptop with an old windows, you can't get notifications on it.
Mam: OH FOR GOD SAKE! ... you know when you are in your emails and it says "12 new notifications"?
Me: ... right so we are talking about EMAILS about unread notifications and not getting notifications on your phone. So you have an old account then that you don't use?
Mam: Yeah I don't know the password to it, haven't logged in, in years.
Me: of course
Mam: Right anyway. When I get one and click on it, lets say its about you, can you see me reading your notifications?
Me: ..... you can't not read my notifications.
Mam: uh, can you see me reading your emails then smart arse?
Me: ... can't do that either.
Mam: So what the hell am I doing then?
Me: You are reading a post someone uploaded, which you got alerted to from an email.
Mam: Right, can you tell when I've read your POST then?!?!?!
Mam: was that so hard?
Me: ... yep6
My second job. I've been hired as a research specialist, not a developer, but they found out I could code during the interview.
Boss: hey, so we have our main product line that shares the control panel for all the models, right?
Me: unh, yeah
B: well, we need to know how it works.
B: yeah, I mean, we should have a manual with all the tech documentation so we know how everything works
M: ...and didn't you handle the tech docs to the developers?
B: uh...no, actually we requests feature to the devs (note: external company) with a phone call, or email...now we need the specs.
The other company (which is part of the same group) handles me the source code.
It is a huge, 25k lines of spaghetti written by at least 7 people, one at a time, uncommented.
After a month I produce a 50page doc with how everything works, after actually compiling my resignation letter 3 times.
M: boss, here the docs
B: fine, I'll take a look
15 mins later
B: this is not what we need! You cannot describe those algorithm like this!
( I described the algorithms with their block flow, with a punctual verbal description)
M: umh.. So how do you need it?
B: we need an excel table, with all the entering conditions on the rows and all the exit conditions in columns, and the description of the condition of work in the crossing cells!
M: are you even serious?7
I hold two degrees in computer science/engineering and to this day, whenever I have to help my dad with any computer related stuff, he *always* says:
"Good thing we let you study this stuff!"
Yeah, right dad. Fixing your windows problems is exactly what I learned in university 😒4
Phone in my cubicle goes straight to voicemail when someone calls. Boss wants me to get it fixed so clients and he can reach me.
Yeah, I'll get right on that. 👌2
Yesteryear's me: What is up with this effin' catelyn-katelin-thingy? Yet another hipster language trying to dethrone Java. Yeah, right. And why does it sounds like my ex's name?
Teacher: hey, your good with computer programming, right?
(Thinking I finally have a chance to prove myself programming wise.)
Me: yeah, Sure
(Trying not to blow my own trumpet)
Teacher: great, can you fix this word document for me?
So I was applying for a research position in linguistic department, and had the interview today.
Prof: So you know excel right
Me: (show a project to him to prove I at least know csv file)
Prof: Ok so you know excel.
Me: Yeah kinda.
Prof: Ok that's good. Cuz right now we are using amazon Turk, and the data they returned, which are excel files, are not really the way we want it.
Me: Ok sounds like a parser can fix it......
Prof: Yeah.... the students in the lab are doing it manually now
Prof: Ok move onto next matter7
This ajit pai fucker is on my list. Have you watched the committee stream? Its obvious that everyone’s been paid and the decision has been made and the thing is just being staged to make it look like it was a democratic decision. This dude is working for Verizon, got the job as a favor from trump, and they’re just going to repeal net neutrality no matter what anyone says. And for them to say they’re trying to protect competition... yeah right. More like the right to arbitrarily censor and place artificial governors, they ain’t going to innovate shit. They would realize that if they knew half as many things about how the internet works as I’ve forgotten. I’ve never been so disgusted in my entire life. These transgressions are beyond the pale, and Will not be forgotten nor forgiven. The second they throttle my connection to anything or try to segregate ip blocks, I’m cancelling my internet and getting back into ham radio. Maybe we should start our own ipv6 network.15
*me using Windows 10, doing nothing special*
Windows: *MEEEEP* Goodbye. Here, take this random bluescreen. *Restarts*
*10 minutes later*
Windows: You know what? I like these bluescreens and I have so many varieties of them. Here take another random one. *Windows doing this 5 times in a row, no fix works*
Me: Fine... I'll reset my PC.
Windows: A full wipe and fresh install? Nah, I would like to not wipe properly so there will still be some data left. *Bsod right after "fresh" install*
Me: Man... I guess I'll check my drives and ram.
Drives: We are working fine! :)
Ram: *checking...* Oh yeah, there is some hardware problem...
Me: Pls no... I don't have any money...
Ram: I'll show you exactly what's wrong as soon as I finish checking...
Ram: Here you g-
Windows: *MEEEEP* Nah, I'm sure you don't wanna see this memory report... Let's just crash right now. :)
Me: *raging inside* ._.
Me: I'll take care of it tomorrow...15
Me : "Hey the proxies aren't working anymore"
Them : "The what ?"
Me : "The what-you-call 'webs references'"
Them : Ooooh right
Yeah let's just call a cat a dog2
SM: what task do you have today?
Me: unit test, for yesterday’s task
SM: hm? Weren’t the QAs tested it yesterday
Me: yes, but it’s “unit test”
SM: so? Can’t you test it yourself?
Me: I can, but it’s UNIT TEST
SM: yeah I heard you the first time, the component is working right? Or is there any other point this testing for?
Me: *it seems this idiot doesn’t know what I’m talking about, blah blahblah blah (explaining what unit test is)
SM: hmm, but I think it’s not mandatory, it should be nice to have
Me: ... (I remembered of a place where dev gathers)9
Website on sign off.
Client: yeah I just updated all the content on the old site but that's ok you can just copy and paste it, right?
Currently trying to formulate a reply that doesn't start with the words "For fuck sake..."8
I'm one of the biggest advocates for Chromebooks and Chrome OS ever.
But even I will call out the bullshit right here:9
You can work from anywhere... anywhere in the world!
Hmmm... Yeah, right! But not when management likes warm bodies at the office.
I hate, hate, absolutely HATE having to travel to work, spending at least 45min to an hour in traffic just to get to work! 😤😡 And then rinse and repeat to get home... which means I'm up at 5:30 every morning to be at work by 7:30, only to get home past 18:00 - traffic permitting! *sigh* 😩12
Colleague: Hey want to get access to our repo so we can see each others code, collaborate, discuss design patterns etc?
Me: Yeah sounds like a great idea. Would love to get to know a bit more about how others are building mobile apps in the company.
Colleague: Heres the link to the iOS app: xxxxxxxxxx
*looks around a bit*
*Opens cocoapods folder*
*Sees 89 dependencies*
Me: .......... actually, you know what, I have major deadlines coming up. I can't look at this right now. Lets talk in the new year.
My friend loves Dreamweaver... And continuously says that he doesn't understand what people see in it that is so wrong... It does the job right?...... Fucking blind...
Uses a bootstrap plugin which generates HTML code for bootstrap.
I did not know this at the time.
Comes to me the night before submission.
He: Dude i need help quick! I've got the presentation tomorrow morning and bootstrap fucked up the links to my style sheets or something, my page is broken and won't work. I should have done what you did and gone for Foundation...
Me: Yeah, because the bootstrap framework definitely affects the style links...
He: help me out man, please! I can't do this anymore!
I had my submission the day after him to prepare still...
Me: Teamviewer. Now.
Log on to Teamviewer.
See what he's using to code...
I go through the code. There are empty divs with &nbsc; in them everywhere.. some HTML elements haven't been closed, no comments, indentation seems to be completely random. All the usual shit storm of a novice web designer.
The only thing is, this guy I know knows how to indent, I've seen his previous work. Why is this so horrible then???
I ask what the hell happened, it looked like a nuclear explosion happened!
He: Yeah I'm using this great plugin for Dreamweaver which lets me click and it puts in Bootstrap elements! It's great!
........ You're blaming the bootstrap framework for affecting your links to your stylesheets, you're using an elements generator, you're not checking what the FUCK it puts into your code, not fixing the indenting, not checking the standard HTML rules are followed AND YOU WONDER WHY IT'S BROKEN???
Kill me now.4
LEARN THE FUCKING WORDS!
I know that English isn't the native language of my country, but for fucks sake, if I'm telling you the right way to say/write it, remember it!
It's called ROM not ROOM
It's called Mod not Mood
Am I good with Custom ROM's? Yeah
Am I good with Custom Rooms? No, I'm not a fucking interior designer
Am I enjoying Moto Mods? Of course
Am I enjoying Moto Moods? Vruum Vruum bitch.16
Had this conversation with a friend a while ago (not dev related). He convinced me to start working on a design! (detail: he doesn't know me well, know him through a best friend but I consider him a friend)
Friend: *shows new tattoo* what ya think?
Me: awesome man! I still idk maybe want a tattoo too...
Friend: ohhh! What of?
Me: uhm well... my favourite music genre... uhm...
Friend: what's up with your doubts?
Me: well.... everyone always tells me not to tattoo anything relating to music because musical taste cab change easily...
Friend: may I guess the genre?
Me: yeah sure :)
Friend: hardstyle, maybe raw hardstyle/rawstyle?
Friend: well why wouldn't you get a tattoo of it?!
Me: well, I mean what if my taste changes?
Friend: dude. do you have the slightest clue how fucking happy/energetic you look when you hear that music?! It'd be hard to imagine you losing your love for that genre! And if then, then what? That genre has gotten you through the darkest places, most difficult times and has pretty much made you into the person you are right now, even if you'd change factories genres, it'd be a reminder of how you beat getting bullied and became the person you are now!
Me: yeah.... but everyone keeps telling me that its not a good ide..'
Friend: fuck them. You love this music to the fucking point, you told me earlier that you'd like to start producing it!
Fuck those people. If you'd like it, go get that fucking tattoo!
I love that guy!
Anyone into electronic music production here? I could use some tips 😅23
Intern Me: "this is what im working on"
Fellow Intern: "Hey cool, can you send me it? "
Me: "What? The code?"
Intern: "Yeah, just send it all"
Me: "You want me to send you the entirety of the 300 million line code base for a proprietary trading system?"
Went to see Jason Bourne last night. No spoilers, but I'm guessing this is how the writers came up with the story:
Writer 1: Let's make it super techie
W2: Yeah, that way it's about current issues, like Internet privacy.
W1: Should we hire a tech consultant so we get things right?
W2: Nah, I saw the Matrix once, I understand computers.
Actual line from film:
"Use SQL to corrupt their database"
Just spoke with a guy who considers himself a PC expert.
He: You can always recover your offline data from your PC, even if you burn it.
Me: You just need to remove your hard drive.
He: Even if you remove your hard disk, offline data can be recovered from from RAM memory.
Me: WTF?? * Trying to explain him that RAM is a volatile memory*
He: Yeah but you can recover it from the BIOS.
Me: r u serius right now??
And I can continue, because we've unfortunately talked for about an hour.
Why these people consider themselves experts and why the fuck do they have to teach you things that the don't know. FML5
Manager: We are hiring a new graphic designer today. Can you get him settled in, please?
Me: Sure, I can do that.
Me: *shakes hand of new recruit.*
Me: I've heard great things about you.
Him: *starts going off on all his experience*
Me: that's great. Let's see what you got.
Several hours later...
Me: can I see what you got?
Him: just putting the last finishing touches on this logo.
Me: is that MSPaint!?
Him: yeah! It's good right?
One fine Friday night in early '97 while drinking with my buddies I got a page from work. Called the office to understand what the problem is.
*shit I can't fix this over the phone, and buddy here doesn't have a PC so I can't dial-in via PCAnywhere*
Told told the users "Ok I'll be there in an hour and a half. Stop all the running jobs and start the backup"
*figures I still have 1hr to spare so continues to down fair amounts of O-be-joyful with buddies then hailed a cab to office*
I arrived in office 1.5hrs later (2am) exactly as I predicted and went straight to work. Initial checks confirmed my suspicion of the issue so I wrote the appropriate SQL to get started:
'drop table foobar'
***The specified table (foobar) is not in the database***
I looked at foobar and figured out immediately why I got the error, then corrected the SQL and ran again:
'drop database foobar'
*What the FUCK!!! You fucking drunk!!! What did you fucking do? What if I disappear to another country, work as a waiter or something*
After a few moments of panic and a good deal of 'What ifs' I calmed down, looked to the users and made up some bullshit "Some of the indexes are corrupted, we need to restore from the backup"
I wrote most of my '94 midterm project during weekends where me and my buddies were drunk
- Let's make the authentication system so the user can only login in one device at time, because this is more secure.
- You know that this will be a general-public application, right?
- Sou you want to "punish" users with a logoff on the other device when he tries to login in a new one?
- But before you said we will use Json Web Token to make the backend stateless.
- And how will we check if the token is the last one generated?
- We will store the last generated token for this user on a table in our DB.
- So... you are basically describing the old authentication model, with session tokens stored on the backend and communicating them via cookies.
- Yeah, but the token will be sent on the Header, not on cookies
- Okay, so why will we use Json Web Token to do this in the first place?
- Because this is how they're doing now, and this will make the backend stateless.
A moment of silence, please.7
school takes the creativity out of programming.
you want to try something new?
sorry, can't have that. functionality = priority.
school takes the choice out of programming.
- you're gonna use x language
- with x api
- in x environment
- and make it in x way
- because if you don't, your gonna fail x assignments
- because programming is about getting the job done, with no creativity
yeah fuck you too
school takes the cleverness out of programming
you get a turn left function. it turns a 'turtle' left any amount of degrees that you pass it, you have to make a turn right function to turn right 90 degrees. well, if you thought turning left -90 degrees was a good idea to make a turn right function, then fuck you. you have to turn left three timeswith the default 90 degrees instead because it's more practical/logical.
anyone else hate the movements to get programming into schools?14
I know this is not a dev joke, but I laughed so hard:
Father bought a lie detector that makes "beep" whenever somebody lies around it. The son comes home this afternoon.
Father ask him:
"So, you where at school today, right ?"
Son:"OK, OK, I was in a cinema"
Son:"Alright, I went for a beer with my friends."
Father:"What ?! At your age I would never touch alcohol!"
Mother laughs:"Ha ha ha, he really is your son!"
after spending a day figuring out why my code does not work, i finally realized someone broke master
then i found myself in the following conversation
jim : "yeah, we found out about it yesterday, i am working on a fix right now"
me : "so why did you not send and email to everyone that master is broken, don't pull changes"?
jim : "hey... someone told me to fix it, so that's what i am doing. that doesn't include sending an email. if you want to, you can send it.. "7
Conversation between me (intern) and a guy from communications, let's call him Bob.
Bob: "Hey, client X wants these pages to be changed."
Me: "Again? Last time I changed them was less than a week ago!"
Bob: "Yeah, everyone thinks X is a pain in the ass, but hey, more money for us."
Me: "But you don't pay me..."
Bob: "Oh yeah, you're right haha XD."
Me: "Haha... :')"3
Coworkers: "Who still even uses vim? Glad we've got Visual Studio so we don't have to deal with ancient shit tools like that!"
Me: "Psh, yeah, total losers right? Haha!"
**Sheepishly returns to coding using the VsVim extension**9
After doing an exam with dubious answers, the teacher gave us the answers with our exams scores.
One question could have two answers and mine was one of them and was "wrong" so I asked the teacher:
Me: hey, this one is right too isn't it?
He: yeah, but the right answer is the other one.
Me: OK... So shouldn't it be reviewed, nulled or given points to both?
He: no, because the answer is this one.
Me: care to explain how you have two right answers but this one is the "right" one?
He: yes, because its "righter".
Me inside: FUCK OFF AND DIE YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!!
Me: you got to be kidding right?
He: no. Its this one.
So I changed course and never had to deal with that piece of shit again.6
Several months back when I started this job, one of the HR guys I met was super energetic and outgoing (I'm a quite introvert).
HR Guy: Hey it's so great to meet you! Everyone here is super excited to have you starting in this role!!!
Me: .......uh "everyone"? There's like 500 people here and only about 3 even know I exist.
HR Guy: *thinks for a second* Haha yeah I guess you are right!!!4
C: hey mate, what's the best tool to open up this 31.1M rows x 106 cols CSV file?
M: Umh...Pandas DataFrame or R DataTable I guess?
C: all right, Excell will do, thanks!
M: erhm...yeah, anytime?11
I'm the only windows user in my office(my only other choice was Mac). One of the salesmen walks in my office with his macbook.
salesman: what do you know about macs?
me: nothing, why?
salesman: well I just got a new MacBook and I can't right-click, is there like a setting or something I gotta click?
me: well there's no "right-click" by default on Macs, but I think there's a way so you can click with the right side of the touchpad and get the "command-click" you're looking for. stand over there quietly while I finish this function then I'll look into it.
*i proceed to fiddle with some code for 5 or so minutes while he stands in the corner*
me: ok so let's look at your MacBook... ok *at this point I jump on my computer* let's see what Google has to say.
search: enable right-click on mac
me: huh! look at that! Google gives you the answer right there, poof! like magic. now we just follow directions, system settings>keyboard and touchpad>enable click with bottom right corner. bam! anything else?
salesman: yeah, I want the little bar thing to go away *talking about the dock auto-hide
me: ok well that's called the dock, let's ask Google again...look, Google gives the answer again, without even needing to click any links, I could probably click these links and get more in-depth instructions, but right here at the top is the answer
salesman: wow man, thanks! I've got a meeting in 10 minutes and I never would have figured this out.
*before he leaves
me: here take this...5
Alright, this is a new one to me, and wow am I blown away.
Working on upgrading an API that I did not build. Getting things running well enough and then an endpoint (which runs well enough in the tests) returns a `418 I'm a teapot`
Yeah, you read that right "I'm a (motherfucking) teapot"
The description is that...
"refuses to make coffee because it is a teapot"
It was an April fools joke in the beginning.
I couldn't return that error if I tried!
This shit is bizarre.
For your reading pleasure:
HOW TO KILL A DEVELOPER
Coworker: Hey, is http://website down for you?
Me: yeah. What's up?
Coworker: Ah, that explains why my tests are failing.
Me, internally fuming: It would be good test practice to not depend directly on external services.
Coworker: I know, but this is easier.
This makes my blood boil. I'm not a huge fan of mocking and stubbing everything, but when it's actually very easy to mock something and you're too lazy, that makes me fucking angry.
Remember kids: doing it right takes longer than doing it wrong. But doing it wrong will eventually take significantly more of your time. Just wait until your shitty assumptions fail and you don't have any recourse.6
I'm really close to handing my resignation letter, even if I don't have any other job offers right now.
That might be a good thing tho, as it would be good for me to take some time off and recover from all the toxicity of my current job. Working at this company is starting to take a toll on me, making me more asocial than I usually am. I'm even losing my passion for programming.
So yeah, I think I'll take some time to heal and find inspiration again before deciding what to do next.5
Observed a full deployment the other day and discovered it's extremely inefficient. I proposed an idea to fix it, and was shot down by a senior dev on the team. I was ranting about how asinine the process was and how my process could reduce the amount of time and training required to do deployments with out any additional cost or overhead. A senior dev from another department over heard me, found my workspace and told me (in a nutshell), "write up a document about why the current process is garbage and how yours is better, and how it works, I'll review it and we'll get it worded and formatted right. When we finish the document, I'll forward it to the CTO of your department with your name on it and my recommendation for review." Fuck yeah. 😈😎7
Scammer calls claiming to be windows security expert.
Them: "sir, your windows computer is sending error code. Please turn it on so I cam Fix it. "
Me: "windows? I have a mac."
Them: "um.... " *hangs up*
One time was in a meeting with clients from abroad (big company with some offices in the US). After the meeting we went to a restaurant with the clients. Then one hour later our CEO shows up and starts tanking beers like crazy and gets super wasted. Then starts asking the client if they have a job for him in the US. He doesnt want to run his company anymore because all his employees are fuckung idiots blahblah. Then he asks me you understand right you have seen my employees they are fucking stupid. Uhm yeah dude I work for you... *awkward sillence, continues chugging beers, changes topic*4
Sister: *walks up to me at my desk* Hey, I was wondering if you can undo what you did to the internet and put it back and make it work better in my room and also make it faster
Yeah, I’ll get right on it and go hit the fucking magic button in the router settings called “enable extended range and make it go faster”.1
My study's logic every fucking time: (I'm a senior by the way)
Junior: Sir, could you help me out for a minute?
Teacher: I'm busy right now, please fill out the support request form and go ask one of the seniors (yeah, not even kidding)
Junior: Alright, hey dude, could you help me out maybe?
Me: yeah of course, just get your laptop and go sit here next to me!
Other Teacher: Hey you, leave the seniors alone, they've got their own work!2
Cute Girl: So you're like a computer guy, right?
Me in 2012: Yeah, I do some programming and...
Cute Girl: Ok *walks away*
Me in 2012: ........wait, come back! Don't go! I'll fix your printer for you! Or hack your friend's fb. Or make this cool app that you maybe have an idea for..? Don't leeeeeav...ah nvm, she's gone.5
*plays game for 10h consecutive*
.. yeah yeah I know what you're thinking. This guy doesn't have a life. And you're probably right.
… I could really use a hamburger right now 🤔
… But the fast food tent is ~30 minutes walking distance away, and this game automatically logs you out after 30 mins inactivity...
What if I could program in some delayed input?
*jazz hand routine engages*
Hmm.. so if I do something like:
PS C:\Users\Condor> $wshell.AppActivate('BlueStacks'); Sleep 1; $wshell.SendKeys('abusing this chat~'); Sleep 1; $wshell.SendKeys('for upkeep of 10h play~'); Sleep 1; $wshell.SendKeys('while I get myself a hamburger~'); Sleep 1; $wshell.SendKeys('sorry~');
that should work, no?
abusing this chat
Well, even for PowerShit.. good enough, right? It gets the message across 🙃
Hmm.. let's just put an afk message instead, as I'm using the guild chat and don't want any of the members to think that I'm a freak
PS C:\Users\Condor> Sleep 1; $wshell.AppActivate('BlueStacks'); Sleep 1; $wshell.SendKeys('afk~');
.. which seems to work like a charm.. alright, perhaps I can entrust PowerShell to do that again after a 900 second delay, which should give me enough time to get that hamburger.
*comes back home*
"Logged out due to 30 minutes of inactivity."
MICROSOFT POWERSHIT, YOU'VE HAD BUT ONE FUCKING JOB!!!!
Well, guess I'll do that no-life 10+h gaming session somewhere next year again then. Thanks Powercunt!21
Thinking about this makes me pull my fucking hairs.
The fact that I have to look for the actual content in a website, among all the ads, prompts and fucking stupid design is fucking ridiculous.
Every fucking website is following this designs now. Always showing popups to subscribe to their fucking newsletter the moments you visit the site.
Can you please let me fucking read the content I require first?
"No fucking way. I will block 80% of the viewport with unnecessary stuff. I will place my ads on the left and right side. On the bottom, I will have a blocking div that will prompt you to subscribe to our newsletter. And on the top, we will have this huge fucking navbar which will take 30% of the view. That 20% area left in the middle? yeah, good luck on finding something useful in there"
Then there are this fucking cunts, that blocks the whole website the moment you enter.
"Oh, you need some information, right? Why not just subscribe to our emails first so that we can send your useless junks every now and then".
Oh my fucking batman, don't even remind me of those stupidass videos. Now 90% of the popular website will play a video immediately after you enter the website.
And guess what?! The volume will be amplified to 500% so that that's the sound you will ever hear in your lifetime.
The fucking web is becoming absolute shite right now. We really need a revolution here which makes the websites show the appropriate amount of ads and prevents them from doing all these stupids shits.5
Indian Programmer Woes 1:
Random Guy: hey you're a CS engineer right?
RG: then can you hack the Facebook profile of my crush?
RG: then you're not a CS engineer.
Can you add a feature so we can download images that our customers have uploaded?
Yeah sure I can see that being a really handy feature, but until I have the time to add a button would you try right clicking on the picture and using the option "Save image...." 🤔4
Near the end of a massive (1,000 user bridgeline) conference call today:
[ P = presenter, RCn = random caller n ]
P: ...so, does anyone have any other questions they'd like to---
RC1: Hey! Yeah, I'm still on this STUPID call right now... I dunno, we've been in here for like 30 minutes already - The guy came by the house to talk about it, but I couldn't get off this STUPID call - I think they said it would be around 800 dollars...
[ P, RC1, RC2, RC3, RC4 all overlapping ]
P: Um, we can hear you-
RC2: Dude, mute your phone!
RC3: As the presenter, you can mute that guy from the web UI-
P: Yeah, I can't find him in the attendee list; it's so long-
RC3: -Right-click on his name and select "mute line"-
P: I know how, but I can't find him on the list.
RC3: Find him on the attendance list on the right side-
P: [ louder and louder ] Yes, I know - but I can't find him in the list-
RC4: Should someone call an operator?
RC1: -so I figured we'll probably need to call Jerry and see what he says. I'll call him if I can ever get off this ridiculous, STUPID call - They are all talking at once on there now and no one can understand anything!
[ This went on for about 5 solid minutes, finally ending with... ]
RC1: I'm just going to drop this STUPID call and call Jerry for us. This thing was a total waste of time. [ boop-beep ]
[ long pause ]
P: OK, so now that is over, does anyone have any questions they'd like to discuss?
[ At least 10 people un-mute and overlap questions ]
Above everything else, the funniest part to me was his repeated, over-the-top insistence on how "STUPID" the call was.
Got an email...
Colleague A (who acts like he supervises me because he's here longer than than I am but he doesn't) : Webpage is broken. Please fix.
(5 minutes later)
Colleague A : Sorry I didn't pull the *other* file you committed (Yeah I know we're still on cvs...)
Colleague B (who really is my boss) : Webpage doesn't show all records. Please fix.
(5 minutes later)
Colleague B : Sorry I forgot check page 2.
That's all my development team. Right, development, not designers, or anything.
Admin comes to my desk and says:
"Hey the CEO wants to know why is the third party application having issues with our system? He wants you to keep me posted on the matter and let us know when will you fix it."
"Well I'm working on it, we're having a discussion on Slack about it and I'm quite busy right now"
Admin: "Yeah OK but when will you fix it? The CEO wants to know why didn't you reply yesterday"
Me: "Because I was on leave? You would have known if you saw my calendar"
Admin: "oh well, can you keep me updated with how things go?"
Me: "You can join the Slack channel if you want..."
What the f*CK is wrong with people? Do they even know what vacation time means? Why would the CEO ask the admin to talk to me when I'm sitting two rows from him?3
[3:18 AM] Me: Heya team, I fixed X, tested it and pushed to production. Lemme know what you think when you wake up.
[6:30 AM] Me: Yo, I just checked X and everything is peachy. Let me know if it works on your end.
[9:14] Colleague A: Whoop! Yeah! Awesome!
[9:15] Boss: Nice.
[9:30] A: X doesn't work for me.
Me: OK, did you do M as I told you.
Me: *checks logs and database, finds no trace of M*
Me: A, you sure you did M on production? Send me a sreenshot plz.
A: yeah, I'm sure it's on production.
Me: *opens sreenshot, gets slapped in the face by https://staging.app.xyz*
Me: A, that's staging, you need to test it on production.
A: right, OK.
[10:46] A: works, yeah! Awesome, whoop!
[10:47] Boss: Nice.
Me: Ok! A, thanks for testing...
Me: *... and wasting my time*.
[10:47:23] Boss: Yo, did you fix Y?
Courageous/snarky me: *Hey boss, see, I knew you'd ask this right after I fixed X knowing that I could not have done anything else while troubleshooting A's testing snafu since you said 'Nice' twice. So, yesterday, I cloned myself and put me to work in parallel on Y on order fulfill your unreasonable expectations come morning.*
Real me: No, that's planned for tomorrow.
Why is it so important to some people to claim that "HTML and CSS are not programming languages"? I get it, you're a REAL programmer working with arrays, maybe tuples, objects and possibly direct memory management. Who the fuck has a right to call themselves a programmer for writing some brain dead markup or poorly designed selectors, right? Who fucking cares for semantic tags or nested selectors?
Just think for a few seconds about when you were taking your first baby steps to becoming the GOD ROCKING MEMORY HANDLER THAT WRITES _REAL_ CODE that you are today, and how good it felt to be able to create something that appeared on your screen. It felt pretty awesome, yeah?
Now imagine if someone much more experienced than you told you "You're not a real programmer, that is not real programming. You should see what I do, I do real programming".
I think you get it. Why spend your energy spreading bad vibes when you could spend it on something more productive. Like reading up on the new CSS4 specs ;)18
Me: Right, its Monday, time for a fresh start. Things have been unbearable, but i've nowhere else to go just yet. I gotta just dig deep, ignore everything bad and just get it done, It's all about positivity right? Lets just ignore the little things and keep moving.
*My morning so far, 2 hours in*
Remote dev: (timezone 5 hours earlier than me) Hey so whats the plan for this quarter?
Me: ... I posted a big detailed plan in the group chat on Friday night so you wouldn't be delayed ... but anyway, lets just move on. I need you to work on A, B and C. A is just copying what Android has already done, for B one of the backend guys working next to you is doing this, he'll be able to help you. C is all documented in the ticket.
Remote dev: cool thanks.
Local dev: So I was just chatting with remote dev ... yeah he told me he has no idea what he's suppose to do.
Me: ..... Ok i'll book a video call with him in the morning. Can't do it right now.
Remote dev: Hey i'm helping the BE team do some testing. I found a bug in Android. Homepage says theres no trips. But Offers screen says there is.
Me: Ok so just to confirm, The "available" offers screen has offers to accept, but the white notification on the homepage saying "You have X offers to accept" is not showing up?
Remote dev: Correct!
*debugging for 5 mins*
Remote dev: actually no, the "accepted" offers tab has offers, but the homepage says there are no upcoming offers to work on.
Me: ..... ok, thats very different ... but sure, let me have a look.
Me: Right so the BE are ... again ... sending down expired offers. Looks like the accepted tab isn't catching it and the homepage is.
Remote dev: Right i'll open a ticket for Android.
Me: ... and BE team.
Remote dev: why?
Me: ... because they once again have timezone issues. This keeps causing issues in random places. BE need to fix this everywhere.
Remote dev: right, i'll chat to them and see if they can fix it.
Product: So this ticket xxxxx is clear right?
Me: eh, kind of, so you want us to add feature X to user type A?
Me: right but I don't see anywhere talking about the time it will take to build the screen for feature X
Product: What do you mean the screen?
Me: ... well, feature X is only accessible on screen Y ... we would have to change screen Y to support user type A ... you know ... so they can ... use the feature
Product: .... hhhhmmm .... i suppose you are right. Well we can't just add screen Y, we'll have to add W and Z, it won't make sense without them.
Me: ... ok sure, but our estimates put us over for this quarter. I don't think we can just add in 3 screens.
Product: No this is a must have.
Me: Ok so we'll have to drop something else.
Product: hhhmmm, don't think we can ... let me get back to you.
Backend team invited me to a meeting at 6am my time on Friday.
... 2 hours into Monday ... there must be vodka around here somewhere1
Finding a bug as a developer: "Fuck..." *start working on an undocumented hotfix that breaks other parts of the application"
Finding a bug as a tester: "Yeah, right.." *start writing a comprehensive report including all possible failure scenarios and how world famine will increase and men develop boobs if this bug is shipped into production"
Finding a bug as a PM: "Well, the other parts work, right ?" *click randomly on nearby buttons and input fields to "check" if everything is all right. Ditch said report from tester*4
Client: "My proposed deadline can't be met? Maybe we should go to your office and sit right next to you to see how you work."
Yeah right, that surely speeds things up. Even if the ever-changing requirements require at least triple of the time allowed.4
You know those youtube channels that just read r/askreddit threads word by word? Yeah i fucking hate them so im automating that shit.
This is how far im right now, the images and voices are generated, now just have to somehow grab some vlog music randomly and automate video creation.
So the CEO tells me our new release needs to be compliant with new guidelines. I say sure, I draft up a few small changes and send them to my PM. He calls an impromptu meeting with the UI team and I explain my changes. They don't like them. They then proceed to draft and redesign a new UI based on these new requirements, I tell them that they are overthinking everything and remind them of the rules of KISS. 45 minutes of me silently waiting and an entire 4x8 whiteboard of designs, I tell them this is an entire redesign and that we will never make our end of the year deadline. PM goes silent for a minute, then responds "yeah I guess your right, let's just implement your original changes"5
Life is hard.
You are born. DNA gets determined. You go through infancy.
Puberty comes and DNA is like
"uh from now you'll pretty much have strong sexual urges, a huge desire to be sexually prolific, nothing weird like being pedo or into rape though".
me: Uh ok.
dna: oh, also, you're gonna be one of those late bloomers, you know, you talk like shit, you dress like shit, you smell like shit.
life: that's true and also you don't have anyone in your life to teach you about that shit, so forget about kissing, having sex, let alone being in a relationship for a long time.
*a lot of years go by with a lot of missed opportunities, mistakes and regrets*
life: ok, you seem to have become a decent sex partner out of a lot of scarring experiences, but there's one problem: you've fallen in love with somebody.
and you're married
and you have kids
me: well, does that mean I can't fuck other people?
life: yeah, no. I'm surprised I even have to explain that, it's called cheating. It will pretty much ruin your marriage, and fuck up your kids.
me: ok, I guess no then. I'm still fortunate enough to have sex with my wife right?
life: yeah... but you still want to fuck other people
life: yeah, did you think that falling in love would make you not want to fuck other people? fuck no
me: ok, well I'm very grateful that I get to experience sex at all.
life: yes... there's a thing though, your partner has a much much lower libido than you.
me: ok, well maybe if I exercise and dress better that might change
life: that will definitely help, you'll feel more confident and have more stamina, but every time you retry exercising, you remember how much you hate it and how little stamina you have.
oh, I'm sorry, I forgot you had kids and work, yeah no time or energy for that.
me: ok, then should I just embrace a more liberal lifestyle, like becoming a swinger?
life: ha, fat chance, it's a very taboo thing and you're not that liberal, neither is she.
me: uhhh, i guess i can sometimes watch porn then...
life: watching porn regularly will make the only sex that you have worse, according to statistics.
me: ok, I guess I should get ripped43
-Hey highonsleep you a webdesigner, right?
Me: no, frontend dev.
-Yeah right my dad needs a new logo for his firm, can you do it? We can't pay right now but we'll give you lots of paid design work in the future and it'd be good for your portfolio.
Me: whatthefuckingfuckLOL. *Unfriend/block/delete/remove*7
13 fucking USD in shipping for a 9 USD rubber duck? Fuck no.
Spend $2 a month and most likely forget I am now subscribing to devRant++? Yeah, sure. Why not, right?
Seriously though, thank God for this platform, I'm luckily not the only one with struggles..5
Warning:: Buzzword alarm!
I was doing smalltalk earlier and this guy asks me what I do for a living. me: I work for a company that builds software that is, among other things, able of giving your company prognosises how busy it'll be, so they can plan ahead. Him: ohhh, so like Big Data?
Me: *dies a little inside*... yeah, that's right! (didn't feel like having the talk with him at that point). No dude, not everything is big data 😥14
"So you are a computer geek right?" Yeah!
"So how do I hack my friend's Facebook profile?"
HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS PEOPLE
I had this situation quite several times. pls10
Why is there no refresh when we submit data into the tables?
Me: there is, but there is no page refresh, as it should be.
Them: but how do we know if the data is being added?
Me: well you can see it in the table right? Look there is even a small message over here **points at message** that indicates the entry code and position.
Them: yeah but how can we tell? Can you make it to where there is a page refresh?
"iOS Development is easier"
Yeah, right? There's no dropdown, no checkbox, no radio button, no placeholder for multiline textfields, ...
You have to manually do everything yourself and lay things out in their messy slow Xcode. Apple doesn't include important things only because they have randomly decided not to include them! Fuck this job.8
My uncle: „You are good with computers, right? My Word is broken, repair that.“
Yeah sure, let me just call my bros at Microsoft and repair your Word with them 🤨
I am being mentored all of my life.
Parents mentored me that I won’t get to that school and I should pick other one ( I got there where I wanted ).
Politicians mentor me to make me happier by taking more and more of money I earned ( I am not ).
Advertisers mentor me to buy their products cause those are best products in the world ( I buy cheaper versions produced in same factories by same people ).
My boss ( when I got one ) mentored me that everything is simple and could be done in 5 minutes. ( after reading some dummy article )
Coworkers are mentoring me everyday that it’s not their fault ( It definitely is ).
Telemarketers, emails, sms messages are mentoring me about my future, don’t miss that occasion, it’s best for your life ( No it’s not )
Celebrities are mentoring me how to live my life to become a successful person ( Yeah right, cause they known how to become one right after they were born ).
Now I see I am starting living in times where computer will start mentoring me how to live my life. ( Sometimes it already is )
What’s left is doctors start mentoring me about my illnesses and children ( if I ever have one ) mentoring me about how dumb I am.
Then I can finally peacefully die and don’t come back to this mentoring hell.9
Went outside for a jobintervju ...
Isn't it just horrible to go outside and meet something called other people? My GF said it could be good for me, yeah right!
I even saw something called a sun. It was really bright, must be awful to have to watch that thing everyday.9
Oh yeah that shouldn't take too long right? I mean it's just the front end.
No shut your fucking dumb ass mouth up. It will take long. The front end is very complicated, and your stupid fucking ass who couldn't learn to code is in no position to estimate how long it will take. Do us all a favor and stick to the "business" side. Fucking incompetent idiot.
If you're not a programmer, when it comes to estimating how long a task will take. Just shut the fuck up. Just cause you work in this industry does not qualify you to estimate a task. Just shut the fuck up.1
Going live on Friday afternoon.
- no way, too many critical bugs! - I said
- we will - the Key account manager said.
Friday is here, still many critical bugs, I was right, it's impossible.
The Key account manager just dropped all functionalities with critical bugs and tricked the customer into thinking it's ok.
So we go live.
He was right, we can.
Boss: "Sooo.... How long will it take?"
Me: "Maybe we should agree on some processes and specify your wishes for the new feature first?"
Boss: "Yeah you're right.... But what do you think? Will you get it done til $deadline?"
Why am I even trying? Who needs project management anyway?4
Today in annoying customers:
"I will not update the requirements with every single detail of our discussions, it will be quite tedious"
Way to go, lady.3
I messed up carelessly in production. Learnt how SQL queries bite you in the ass when it knows you are under pressure.
Was hosting an online quiz kinda thing during my college techfest. Tens of thousands of people participating.
Using MySQL as database and thousands of queries were being executed. Everyone were pretty excited as the event just opened up.
None of the teams could solve one particular level. Turns out the solution was wrong and was asked by the organisers to change the solution for that particular level. Usual stuff, right?
Was too lazy to open up the web UI for the back office and so, straight ahead logged in to the MySQL server and ran the UPDATE query on the table consisting of the solutions.
It had been a couple of hours and the organisers came to me with a weird problem. There were no changes in the scoreboard for the last two hours. Everyone were stuck wherever they were. Weird, right?
I then realized.
In that dreaded query, I had only run
UPDATE 'qa' SET answer = 'something'
leaving out the where clause, specifying the question to update, like
As a result, solutions to all the questions were updated to the same answer. After hastily fixing everything back, I had the dreaded conversation.
Org: What was the problem?
Me: It was the cache.
Org: Damn thing. Always messes up.
Me: *sheepishly* yeah
Probably the most embarrassing moment in my life, wrt coding 😑4
so we started looking our code to fix few bugs....and guess what?
yeah you right, our entire day wasted to understand what we wrote and why?
Conversation between [C]oworker and... some kind of customer-side [P]roject manager.
P: Hey, our release 2.0 is ready, but somehow I can't add tag to master. Could you try, please?
C: Yeah, sure.... Done... We are missing tag for 1.2 still, should we add it?
P: Oh, right, I forgot about that.
C: Ok, found merge... Done.
P: *displaying repo in GitBlit* Uh, now the order is wrong. And date is the same. Can we do something about that?
Me: We can just push that tag with replaced date. *just guessing*
P&C: You can do that??
Me.thinking: Thats git... I would be suprised if we could not.
Me: *pushing tag* Check it now.
P: Whoa, nice!5
*In a lecture
Lecturer: Consequences of Distributed Systems
Students: **attentive as fudge**
Lecturer: Independent Failures
Lecturer: No global 'COCK'
Students: WHOOOOA, global what?...that escalated fast
Lecturer: I mean no global 'CLOCK'
Students: yeah right, can we use cock though?2
Friend: "You are very opinionated about mobile apps aren't you?"
Me: "Yeah, but I have the right opinions"1
Me: has continuous mental breakdowns and health issues because of stress@college
Mom: if you dont finish college you wont get a good job
Me (already earning more than my parents together): yeah u r right
Me: *continues college*
Can i just die14
Was at school the other day and met a dude who was told by an acquaintance that I'm a "computer guy".
Dude comes up to me and jokes that the acquaintance was spreading rumors about me being a programmer. I was a bit confused and tell him that I do in fact program, and then he asks me what I've done, to which I explain what languages I've dealt with.
Next thing he asks me: "Have you made an OS?"
He tells me about how he went through Linux From Scratch. I have no idea how in-depth that book goes, if someone who has read it could enlighten me that'd be nice.
Acquaintance mentions that I won an app contest. (At this point, I'm internally telling acquaintance to shut his face.) I explain what I made(an Android app that helps sort Lego pieces) and he promptly tells me that I just used an API and barely wrote any code.
After (hopefully calmly) going back and forth with him, I just say "So I write bad code. What's it matter to you?" He stopped talking right there.
He apologized later. Yeah right, I'm sure you're sorry.8
Got official announcement that power will be cut off and given in schedule. For many weeks.
Fuck, we are all just adult toodlers pretending to run businesses as a game. Right? So yeah, just fuck us.3
Got a ticket form a client reporting a calculation giving the wrong outcome.
In return I ask her what she thinks the outcome should be and why.
"The right answer because I said so."
Yeah thanks that's going to help a lot.
Typos kill, kids! And deploying to production.
Instead of "for item in items" in my script, I accidentally did "for items in items". Thus, an exponential loop has been entering things into the database for the past few hours before I found the place to fix it.
By the way, this runs on cron every minute. So there are processes still running exponentially right now, possibly 180+.
Yeah, I'm setting up a a test server instead now.11
Not CS degree, but EE, and totally worth the effort. Not only that without degree, I wouldn't get jobs in many companies, but I actually learnt a lot. Laplace and Fourier will be as valid in a 100 years as they were 200 years ago.
Yeah, it was fucking hard. Math was rather OK, only 50% of the students failed the first exam. EE was harder, 90% failed at the first try. That wasn't regarded as problem - on the contrary, the exams were designed to weed out. After two semesters, we already had 50% student loss.
I remember what the EE prof told us in the first semester: we would learn a lot of things, but most importantly, to think like an engineer. Didn't make sense right away, but 5 years later, I knew what he had been talking about.3
Recruiter: Hey you have Java experience, right?
Me: Uhm, yeah, but I have a job...
Recruiter: I have here a three month contract at £200 a day and...
Me: I already have a job.
Recruiter: What? Paying this much, I think not.
Me: Well, no, but it's a full time role and I just bought a house, so I'm not going to jeopardize my financial stability. I mean what happens at the end of the three months, I'm basically unemployed!
Recruiter: We might have other roles available then.
Me: You MIGHT have roles... Excuse me, but do you think I am an idiot? What lunatic in their right mind would quit a stable full time role, for a short term contract with no guarantee of subsequent work?
Recruiter: Well... They do pay well for Java devs...
Me: Yeah, please delete my file...4
For other just beginning web devs: spending hours fiddling over a bunch of CSS layout/formatting/animation to make a small widget look just right... Then showing someone your 500ms animation and they say "yeah and....???"1
"new features" - new spywares?
"You decide" - Yeah right.
"could take a little longer." - I KNOW THAT!
Hmmmmm so i have 3D printed a glider plane. And holy fucking hell it actually flies. Like no suprise sherlock but oh well i was suprised since my 3D printing bed isnt totally flat which sucks tbh and will need to buy some mirror so that its 100% flat.
Damn now im thinking what if i 3D model a one but with a small change to it and that would be that only 1 wing would take 2 prints since it would take up entire bed. Ouuuuuu yeah. But well cant do that right now since im out of filament. Will get ton shit lot of filament on christmas tho. OUUUUU YEAH.3
I got my last job (still at this job) easy, I guess. I work as a call center operator, you know..that guy who you insult if your mobile is not working properly. I decide to take this job because I need money, I'm 20 years old, living alone and I don't want to take money from my parents anymore, even tho they never said I have to work if I need money. I work from 9am to 6pm and it sucks because I am still at college and everyday when I get off I try to learn java as much as I can.
One thing I can't deal with: at my job, I have to use ie and w8..yeah, you read it right.
So...fml. that's all. Hope you're doin' better bros.5
Yesterday at work the internet went out. Our director of IT stopped by our cubes and the conversation that followed went like this:
Director: "Is the internet out for you guys?"
Director: "But you can still check your emails right?"
Us: ".... No?"
Director: "But the phones are working!"
*Director walks away to talk with our networking group*3
Finally done with all the Java tutorials and trainings that I have.. now on to learning Android development with teamtreehouse! Any suggestions at all from any of the awesome vets here??6
APPLE IM GONNA BURN YOU WITH GASOLINE.
So i want to send my build to app store, from my iphone.
I want to log into iTunesConnect.
"It just works"
Yeah, right. Login page for itunesconnect does not render correctly on Safari web browser, on iphone, login arrow is not visible, and elements are scattered around.
On Google Chrome, it looks okay!!!!!!!!!!!
After some tapping on screen, and rotating the device, i somehow found invisible arrow and managed to sign in.
BUT. Once inside i was unable to complete the process because UI refuses to scroll down :(
Eclipse, you lousy shit bitch of an ass hole - yeah I went there.
So I spent several hours today trying to get eclipse to:
1) just fucking launch without erroring out and crashing
2) actually work with a reasonable dark theme. (Yea right)
But no you hunk of shit, both of these seems nearly impossible for you. And just when I get you to work, the stupid fucking lack of syntax highlighting is just dreadful as fuck. If I didn’t have to use it for Salesforce development I sure as hell wouldn’t.
Boss: "do you have a minute?"
Boss: "I have this problem, can you just stop doing whatever you are doing and fix it for me?"
Me internally: *no I don't, what I'm doing right now is fixing another one of your problems for which you've interrupted other work already"
Me: "Yeah sure, gimme some time"
Can't afford to fail my internship and I don't want a shitty work environment which I why I don't speak my mind...
But man this is tiring...2
Some fegit: "test you"
*fegit sends outbound Facebook link to some Paki website*
(why not a direct link you moron?)
Me (thinking): *what the fuck does this idiot want from me*
Me: "What makes you think that we want to prove ourselves to you by us doing your dirty work? We are not your personal army, so please fuck right off."
Fegit: "look out ya window"
Ehm yeah sure.. as if there's anything there. You'll need more than that to threaten me.
Me: "Anything to see there?"
Fucking piece of shit. Look out your window you say. Wanna give it a try? To someone who masters the art of wrangling the angry pixies? I don't need a gun to kill people, you know ^^
Oh well. At least it wasn't a "plz huk Phasebuk" question I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯5
So I wrote code to show the FUNCTIONALITY of my module , which has temporary variables and temporary code.
Boss after verifying : so it's done right ?
Me: no the code needs to be written .
Boss : but it's working...
Me : yeah , but this is a test environment , I need to put everything in place and test .
Boss : so it'll be done in 15 minutes right ?
Me : ...
Finally got a call for an interview and they asked if I had any experience with front-end frameworks. I said yeah and they said that that's great since their client needs a UI/UX guy and said they'd get back to me in 2 days.
I got a call from the said client half an hour later who goes, "Hello! I am PersonX from CompanyA and we've got your resume and would like to hire you as a Laravel developer!"
Buddy... it says right there on the top that I'm a front-end developer and you were even checking out my LinkedIn... fuckin' fucktard.3
Nope, definitely not going to work for that customer anymore. Fuck this shit. At least for this week.
My background: mid-30 years old, some kind of business & IT consultant / lead dev working for a mid sized CRM consulting company, with approx 15 years of experience in development and software architecture, most of the time "thinking" in C#, still learning new languages, being a cloud evangelist and team lead. We usually have customers with customers (B2B/B2C).
Personality type "campaigner" (ENFP-A).
Today the project lead of my client (a big corporation in the energy industry) told me that he still didn't order all the necessary resources for the cloud project. Just to be clear: He's on the client side. We (the architects, one internal and me) told him one month ago what we need for the beginning. Just a few things - an Azure subscription, a license for the CRM platform, and our dev tools.
And now let's guess when the project is planned to begin? Yeah, right: 1st of April. NO APRIL'S FOOL. And guess what? Next Tuesday we'll do the onboarding for the new (external) devs, and NOTHING will be ready. Yeah, just let us build stuff in our minds, and on the whiteboards, because it's an AGILE project, right? We don't need any systems and tools...
And now he sent me the questionnaires which need to be answered before any cloud service can be ordered by the corporate IT. And yes, he didn't answer a single thing, and just meant "Those are architecture questions" (they are not) and (of course) "please provide the answers until Monday morning, so we can FINALLY order the services."
Yeah, you fucktard. Of course it's MY FAULT now. Maybe I should write an email to your boss asking how we can speed things up a little bit...4
My biggest distraction: Working at home. I have a student job at my university and work at home. Just visit my boss every other week to show him the results.
So I always thought it's amazing to work at home. No need to travel to the work space, I can arrange my time as I like, noone's constantly watching what I'm doing.
Sounds great, right? Yeah it is, but is it productive? Lol no.
I'm getting distracted by everything. New mail about some kickstarter stuff, one hour wasted. "Can you help me with that computer problem?" Yeah sure. "Wanna play some League of Legends with us?" Sure, but just one round, I need to work. Ten rounds later I wrote like three lines of code.
I could ignore all that stuff, but I'm at home and can do whatever I want, right?
Results in me working through all night, because then there's noone to distract me.2
Friend: You're good with computers right?
Me: well...yeah why?
Friend: can you have a look at my microwave? something's wrong with it...
Me: ::face palm::2
Doing a python code review after working in Scala is all:
"Why the loop? Can you just put a function here and... oh yeah, right... python does not allow it. I could have written these 20 lines in 4 if was Scala"
Scala, stop spoiling me!!4
On the gitlab incident livestream description on youtube I noticed this:
"No, nobody was fired"
Yeah right. They probably beat him, raped him, burned him, crucified him, raped him again. But no there were no firing involved.9
level designer (yelling): input's not working right
me: oh yeah, i pushed the fix about an hour ago.
ld: well it's not working
me: have you pulled today?
me: when did you pull?
ld: i pulled just now!
so i walk over to his machine. check his git log. hasn't pulled in two days.1
So I'm writing some multithreaded shit in C that is supposed to work cross-platform. MingW has Posix threads for Windows, so that saved already half of the platform dependency. The other half was that these threads need to run external programs.
Well, there's system(), right? Uhm yes, but it sucks. It's incredibly slow on Windows, and it looks like you can have only one system() call ongoing at the same time. Which kinda defeats the multithreaded driver. Ok, but there's CreateProcessA(), and that doesn't suck.
Fine, now for Linux. The fork/exec hack is quite ugly, but it works and is even fast. Just never use fork() without immediate exec(). First try under Cygwin... crap I fork bombed my system! What is this shit? Ah I fucked up the path names so that the external executable couldn't be run.
Lesson learnt: put an exit() right after the exec() in the path for child process. Should never be reached, but if it goes there, the exit() at least prevents a fork bomb.
Well yeah, sort of works under Cygwin, but only with up to 3 threads. Beyond that, it seems like fork() at some point gives two processes the same PID, and then shit hangs.
Even slapping a mutex around the fork and releasing it only in the parent process didn't help. Fork in Cygwin is like a fork in the ass. posix_spawn() should work better because it can be mapped more easily to the Windows model, but still no dice.
OK, testing under real Linux. Yeah, no issues with that one! But instead, I get some obscure "free(): invalid size" abort. What the fuck would that even mean?! Checking my free() calls: all fine.
Time to fire up GDB in the terminal! Put a catch on the abort signal, mh got just hex data. Shit I forgot to compile with -O0 and -g. Next try. Backtrace shows the full call trace, back to the originating line in my program - which is fclose() on a file.
Ahhh I remember! Under Linux, fclosing a file that is already closed makes the program crash. So probably I was closing it twice. Checking back.. yeah that's where it was.
Shit runs fast on several cores now!9
!rant (kind of)
I have the bad habit of suggesting "awesome" and "cool" features for projects and stuffs.. (Mostly just for fun and won't give a lot of value to the project, but would be cool). The less fun side.. I'm the only developer (in most cases..)
Me: Hey, wouldn't it be cool if the user could do this or that, or if this was implemented etc.. ?
Boss/Leader: Oh, hehe yeah, hmm.. *thinking* [a bit later] .. You're right, go ahead, implement that feature..
Me: .. Damnit..
But hey, on the bright side.. It's an extra feature! :D5
Sure Amazon, 0.02$/GB * 0.000120 GB = 0.01$, not 0.0000024$, sure, that's right.
0.05$ for what amounts to less than 2MB of data transfer in total (there's two more lines like that in the bill).
Eat a bag of dicks.
Free tier my ass, if I wanted to spend money I'd rather use Azure.3
I hate Microsoft. Somehow they always manage to fuck up.
Last time it was Microsoft Store not being able to download software properly because "privacy settings were set improperly". Before that it was constant BSOD's (luckily those have been taken care of for the most part!). And on every goddamn update.. all the fucking settings are reset. Because that's just how useful the Windows registry is for keeping settings persistent. FUCK YOU MICROSHIT!!! Say what you want about Google but at least settings are kept stable in Android across releases. Now tell me Microsoft, how difficult can it really be?! In the words of my operator, CERTIFIED PIECES OF SHIT!!!
But yeah, let's introduce new FEATURES, let's focus our efforts on getting our data collection hooks to hook even deeper into the system! BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT USERS WANT!!! No Microshaft, fuck you. Nobody wants those data collection hooks. But data is money, right? Your users are nothing but data batteries, right? Fuck you Microsoft.5
WHAT THE FUCK!!
For a freelance job I searched for a JS function in the HTML document of a Wordpress site that was given to me.
Found it and wanted to get started on the project, but there was something odd about this website (besides it's a Wordpress site). The scrollbar was fucking small and when I scrolled down, all I saw was breaks. An almost endless number of breaks.
Then suddenly There was a line of HTML!! And then another 126 breaks.. :/
(Yeah that's right, I calculated the number of breaks between every line of HTML). This document has 75732 lines of shit.
The whole fucking website loaded in over 20 seconds!! What the fuck is that?!?! The document itself is 258 kB!!
But whatever, I get paid.4
I started programming 2 years ago. I didn't know what to do with my life after high school, so I went to an event where you can meet students. I ran across the IT schools section, wearing a GEEK sweater, and almost immediatly, 5 students were right in front of me to talk about their school.
One hour later, I said "yeah why not", even if I didn't know ANYTHING about programming.
One or two weeks later, I took the entrance exam, and one month later I knew that I passed.
I learnt the bases when I entered in Sept. 20143
Pffff...... Wanna make an app tomorrow...
Got no clue what to make....
Maybe something with big AI learning data machine. Yeah I think that hits all the right buzzwords :P
Any ideas you're willing to share?7
Client comes to me.
Client: So my business is colour matching, people visit me and I help match outfits they should wear that works with their hair and eye colour etc.
Me: Ok... and?
Client: Well. I'd like to do this online, someone sends a photo in and I assess it and send them a colour palette back.
Me: Right... How are you going to calibrate this?
Client: What do you mean?
Me: Well, it's a nigh on impossible task to ensure the exact tones and hues they send you in their photo to what you see, and likewise what you send back might look very different based on their brightness and contrast. Colour science is actually quite hard.
Client: But I don't understand they just send a picture right?
Me: Yeah, they can send one, but are you going to have a consistent baseline for your laptop, can you guarantee the brightness is at the same level each and every time?
Client: No... Why would that matter?
Me: I'm bored now, I'm not gonna take this project.
So finally switching devices. No more porting latest android to 2012 device. No no. 2015 now. Yeah thats quite the update right there. Will still use my lovely xperia SP as daily and Z1 compact as dev device. Yes i know it sounds weird to use older device as the nain one but i love this phone to bits.
I kind of let down the community tho. I promised them stable 8.1 but that woudlnt just work. Promises and nothing from it. Well now i know why everybody is keeping it a secret at what they work on so this doesnt happen to them. Yeah lesson learnt. Xperia P community im deeply sorry. I let you down.1
Ok, so many people rant about windows update. It can fuck up things, starts unexpectedly (after 100 warnings and messages letting you choose when but ok) and it takes too long to update.
I use Windows daily so I update regularly and never takes more than 5 mins. 20 when its a major update twice a year. So let's talk about Linux.
Yesterday I wanted to try out .net core on Linux so I booted my antergos vm to do it. TLDR: Didn't do shut because, surprise, Linux updates.
So apparently I downloaded the wrong version of visual studio code. Uninstall and install the right one then. Nope, can't do that. Some dependency must be updated. That dependency is on the highest version on the AUR, I have to get a different one. Ok, no problem. But I can install the other because uninstalling the original breaks more dependencies. Well fuck then.
So I decided I'd do a full system update with pacman, shouldn't take long. 1.6gb worth of update. I have 200mb download so it should be fast right? Well, I had to wait a couple of hours.
So I couldn't do anything on my afternoon because of Linux updates. That's an original rant isn't it?
And before the comments get here, yeah I know it's arch, it's difficult and all that. This isn't about being hard to do. It's just annoying and making me lose time.3
Wtf. So if I say I'm a web developer and I say I'm from Russia. Then I am automatically a hacker for you? "Web developer + Russian = 95% chance of being a hacker". Yeah, right. Since now, right after I say I'm from Russia I always add this: "No, I'm not a hacker and no, I didn't hack the last election, but I can tell you your last four digits of your SSN if you show me your debit card". Guess what, no one wants to talk to me anymore.12
Fuck-a-doodle-do Fuck Fuck Fuck what a fucking dipshit. Scared the god damn shit out of me.
So I am deep in code, listening to my music pounding out some code and Drupal configurations and I feel a shadowy draft over my right side like someone is watching me.
I work with a guy that will not for the fucking life of me use Slack to send me a message when I have my headphones on or at all for that matter.
He gets up and walks to my cubicle and just stares with a goofy fucking grin on his face. You know the one. LIke a retarded fucking dog eating shit out of a wire brush. Yeah that's the grin. Silently derping with his fucking derp ass Derp McDerpington face waiting on you to turn around an notice him there instead of knocking on the cubicle wall or waving to get your attention.
The FUCK dude? CreepyPasta2
Maybe not a new rant but: When someone asks you for a feature and always says "its easy and simple" ... Yeah right... 😡2
When a client says they no longer have time for one of their websites and asks you to make it completely autonomous.
Yeah sure, I'll go ahead and install Skynet on it right away!
I no longer have any motivation to work with that client.
Submiting a form with Ajax without e.preventDefault()
Chrome : Yeah it's all good
Firefox : No. Eat shit. Display a length error in console...
IE : I'll let you pass but I'll crash right after...
I'll never forget again
I got my first appointment with my first freelance client today as I'm trying to earn some money on the side. She contacted me after the guy before me hasn't delivered in more than 2 months.
Her: So how much do you think its gonna cost me.
Me: Well the minimum rate for a site like this is like €1000. But since you are my first client, I'm willing to do it for €700.
Her: The guy before you only charged €250...
Me: I'm sorry I can't do that. I might get to 500 if I cut some corners, but I can't make any promises.
Inner me: Look where you're 250 has got you... You haven't seen anything in return...
Her: Proceeds to whine about how it's still waaay to much ... And how she will get me more clients etc. (Yeah right...)3
Yeah so... I‘m an IT student and am supposed to have a certificate exam about software engineering RIGHT AT THIS VERY MOMENT!
The person from the certificate place arrived half an hour late due to a delay of her flight.
That sucks alot because many students have other exams just after this one.
I always go one hour early to exams so even if 2 trains are delayed I will be there in time.
I would expect said person to do the same.
It gets even worse. We sit there expecting to start the exam half an hour late and guess what:
The distributed exam is not the one we are meant to take......... FOR FUCKS SAKE why did I even come here?!?!3
I need some mental check up over here
When my friends ask me "What's your hobby?" then I would start saying: Well, nothing much just some programming.
Friend: Oh, programming! I see. So what language do you use?
Me: I use Python
Friend: Now I see why you like programming cause it's very easy right? I can write a Hello, World! Program in one line.
Me: Yeah! [but what I meant is you son of a motherf***in bi**h! It's not fu**ing easy. Just because it takes one line to type print("Hello, World!") doesn't mean it's fu**ing easy.]
When I say friends I mean classmates cause friends != classmates.4
Every time I tell someone my major they respond the same way: “I know your job prospects look good! I need my computer fixed right now...”
Yeah, let me write you a script real quick that will fix the screen you busted when yo sat on your laptop.1
So it's friday and I'm almost done with all my work and suddenly manager comes in and asks me that client wants to talk to you. I agree and we move into meeting room here is how conversation goes
(C)lient-There is some new feature we want to add -/Describes his feature which is somewhat like an existing feature we have. The feature needs many images which area already present/-
(M)e-Ohkay this can be done. How much time is allotted.
C- You can take a month or two -/I have fucking happy fucking over the moon beacuse i knew it wouldn't take more than 2 days-/
C- Yeah make sure the images are rotated manually.
M-*In Shock* Manually? You mean like i have to right click and then select rotate -/in which ever direction you mother is getting fucked?-/
M- But there is a tool which can do the same thing!
C-No the tool maybe wrong we want 100 percent accuracy.
M-*For a while like this -_-* I can start the tool and then manually check if any image is wrongly rotated.
C-No you can be wrong sometimes. .
-/Meanwhile the manager is giving me a stern look like/-
M-If i can be wrong after running tool why i can't BE WRONG WHEN I HAVE TO ROTATE THE IMAGE 10000 TIMESSSSS
C- do it manually.
*He cuts the call!*
I have no fucking option now! THESE FUCKING CLIENT'S AND THEIR BALL LICKING MANAGER FUCK MY LIFE FUCK MY JOB
I'LL DO IT BY SCRIPT ONLY FIRE ME YOU FUCKING MORONS
My boss: Can you write something to append the product names with their descriptions?
Sure. Sure you want that?
Yes. Asap please.
Okay, I'll finish it this today.
Finished it, want me to publish this to production?
(One week later)
Did you put those name changes online?
Oh damn, your co-worker, D. Trump, has changed a lot of the names so they index better on Google. You should check those kind of things before changing it online.
Concerns a few thousand products. Long story hah
Tldr; updated many product names overriding many hours of manual labour.7
(most of the) Medium authors all suck fucking dick. Those fuckers are the reason the internet needs an IQ lock.
Stats about React vs Angular vs Vue.
Yeah of course let's compare search count of React vs Vue vs Angular but Vue must be searched with ".js" appended. NOT A SINGLE FUCK ADDS .JS WHEN SEARCHING FOR VUE.
Left: stats from article
Right: stats, if you use google trends correctly7
The Hololens is awesome! Had the possibility to wear a Hololens devkit right now and it's fantastic! Ok, the Field of view is a little bit small. Like a A5 Sheet of paper around 30cm in front of you. But the gesture and environment detection is smooth as hell! No stutter or misinterpretation. Render speed is quit good for a small Computer. You can run small 3D games wiche interact with you environment. Virtually like in the presentations from Microsoft. It's a bit heavy and hurts after a while. So yeah, it's fucking awesome. Future is here <3.1
*meeting on Monday*
Client: so I've got this project I want you to do, it's simple right?
Me: seems so
Client: so I'll pay you this much because it's so simple
Underpaying client: I also told my higher ups that you'd be done by Friday you can do that yeah
(yes, I'm no expert, but I can pick up ANY LANGUAGE and do this task in FIVE FUCKING MINUTES, NOT AN HOUR!!! FUCK!)
"Gee, I think this button should probably list the total recipients of the mailing, looks like I have to get the total of a column in an object, no problem, hell, i'll do it frontside just for the fuck of it'
yeah, seemed like a good idea.. AN HOUR AGO
UNCAUGHT REFERENCE ERROR
die from gravity like you deserve motherfucker16
Just another day at the office:
Boss: you need to leave early today because I am upgrading and reconfiguring the servers.
Me: ok, what happens if you fuck it up?
Boss: we lose all of our work
Me: but it's backed up right?
Boss: yeah, I think so
Me: ...ok, see ya tomorrow
Text from boss: oops...6
So I was changing some CSS, but the changes weren't showing.
Was it being cached? Nope
Was the selector wrong? Nope
Well it was the right file yeah? Yup
So after like 10min of scratching my head, restarting the server, etc it turns out I was checking prod instead of dev.
This isn't even the first time this has happened 😑
Guys just remember to keep your dev tab and your prod tab away from each other, like way away.8
My newly joined developer colleague had some problem starting the web app we are working on locally. After changing some configuration files,
Me: Restart the app
My Dev Colleague: Do I have to close it?
Me: Yeah, there will be a red cross on the right top corner, just click on that😑😒2
*lunch break at work*
okay, let's play some dota...
see crush eating, talking, flirting and having fun w/ someone... aaah shit heee weee go again 🤪 or not, whatever, I don't care, yeah, she's not my gf, I'm fine, everything is fine...
*a few minutes later*
client: hey, need this change right now
me: ok 👌
ok, done, let's create a PR
me to myself: yeah, told ya
me to myself again (I'm a sane person don't worry 😈): that was some badass code you wrote. see? I don't care about crush
*a few minutes later*
client: why the fuck did you ask to merge into master? (I created 33 PRs before and all were merged into the correct branch so they didn't check anymore)
me: *looking at crush 🙄*1
Me : Yeah dude, totally. I support Right To Privacy.
Also Me : To get OTP filled automatically, i need to ask Recieve Sms Permission from user. Also to send them, too.
So yeah XML is still not solved in year 2018. Or so did I realize the last days.
I use jackson to serialize generic data to JSON.
Now I also want to provide serialization to XML. Easy right? Jackson also provides XML serialization facitlity similar to JAXB.
Works out of the box (more or less). Wait what? *rubbing eyes*
Why is my groups property (java.util.Set) rendered as two separate elements? Who the fuck every though this is the way to go?
So OK *reading the docs* there is a way to create a collection wrapper. That must be it, I thought ...
What the fuck is this now? This is still not right!!!
I know XML offers a lot of flexibility on how to represent your data. But this is just wrong ...
The only logical way to display that data is:
It would be better if the individual entries would be just called "group" but I guess implementing such a logic would be pretty hard (finding a singular of an arbitrary word?).
So yeah theres a way for that * implementing a custom collection serializer* ... wait is that really the way to go? I mean common, am I the only one who just whants this fucking shit just work as expected, with the least amount of suprise?
Why do I have to customize that ...
So ok it renders fine now ... *writes test for it+
FUCK FUCK FUCK. why can't jackson not deserialize it properly anymore? The two groups are just not being picked up anymore ...
SO WHY, WHY WHY are you guys over at jackson, JAXB and the like not able to implement that in the right manner. AND NOT THERE IS ONLY ONE RIGHT WAY TO DO IT!
*looks at an apple PLIST file* *scratches head* OK, gues I'll stick to the jackson defaults, at least it's not as broken as the fucking apple XML:
I really wonder who at apple has this briliant idea ...2
Client: "This is where the projector hooks up to a computer right?"
Client: "Awesome can it hook up to a laptop?"2
I did one of those shitty logic bullshit tests these a few weeks ago. It was fucking dumb. Was told to write an algorithm to test when an egg would break if it was dropped off a ladder with 100 steps. An egg would break if you dropped it without being on a ladder. Am I right? The guy was like yeah but what if it didn't? I said Well it would. Eggs are fragile. How about you go away with your fictional fucking logic and ask me some proper question that test my actual coding knowledge instead of trying to pony about on your high horse. Cunt!7
A headache starts popping in my head like modals and popups on websites, so I decide I should take a pill and proceed to get myself some water (yeah, I cannot stand headaches for more than 2 minutes).
As I enter, the room is only populated with the "cleaning lady" (she's quite aged), I tell her "hi" and proceed to grab a glass of water.
"Hey, you are good in IT right?"
That lady is impossible to escape once she wants to talk to you.
So my skills as a developer were used to configure her facebook...
Hope my headache starts leaving soon, it worsened by a factor of 9000 after that traumatic episode.1
Signed up on Freelancer as a soft engg. graduate with quite a lot of projects in Android and web services. A guy inboxes me regarding an applied bid and once everything's clear and mutually agreed upon with, he presents me with this one God damn question - "how many years of experience have you got?"
With truth said, all I get in response is, "looking for people with more exp. thanks for your time".
Yeah I'm sure he was born with 5+ y experience right off the bat. 😠12
Fucking regulations, can’t play with twilio api.
Waiting for verification of my identity to make a fucking test call to myself.
Wanted to make a proof of concept during weekend, but won’t happen cause some fucking policies.
Fuck you government pigs.
Probably need to wait to fucking Monday. I will forget what I wanted to do till that time.
We are making your life easier all the time in the news, yeah right eat those popups motherfuckers.
Next regulation - government code reviews before push to master and programmer certification, for sure those fuckers are able to do it.
Really considering emigration from Europe right now.
No fucking point to start a business on this continent.
More fucking law please so we would need a lawyer before wiping ass.
Need to watch that southpark episode about security toilet checkout once again.2
Yeah! That's right ! No more arguments over space vs tabs !7
I just pretend to be socially awesome.
A generic relative :
"I heard you really liked that dish I made. It was my own recipe you know?"
"Of course I did! Really? Your recipe? waow!"
Dev me :
"Yeah right!....BTW you forgot to import RxJS you stupid cunt!"1
Got this in Slack from the owner of the firm I work for...
I mean, you already pay me half of the average salary I should be making, but yeah, let me get right on that...
To be fair, I work with this guy because he is a really good guy to work for, is very hands-off (no micro-managing), doesn't expect me to work on the clock or any overtime and lets me make all the calls with our directions in development. Plus he pays me all he can afford, so it's not like he's trying to screw me (he shares the books with me to prove it).
But still, the dude has to realize you get what you pay for. You don't go to McDonalds if you want a gourmet burger...2
When I still in college one of my friend called me
Friend : you major is CS right?
Friend : I want to buy a new PC
Me : cool
Friend :just to check with you what is the price for a 512M memory?
Me : ......2
I'm ashamed of it, but I want to share my tifu-story:
My colleague asked me if I could rename his windows user name because he married and changed his last name. I changed it in the Active Directory, but he got some problems when he wants to log on. On every startup his old name appears. Simpliest task. Let me google that.
Easy going, let me just change this registry entry. Reboot. Old behaviour. Okay, I changed some of the other entries. Reboot. Yeah, his new name appears. But wait a moment. Windows just nulled his entire user profile and deleted all the data. "oh, haha you have a backup, right?" - "no, I saved everything on the desktop, all my work is gone!"
But at the end, the boss was mad at HIM, because he doesn't used the file server or any backup system.
i am not a smart man5
People these days...
At a bakery 3 girls didn't bother to clean up after themselves although the only thing left to do was to t aske the tray and dump it's contents into the trash can WHICH IS ON THEIR WAY OUT. Yeah but have enough time to cake on rediculous amounts of makeup...
Someone literally shat at the tram stop at the main station so whenever took leave the tram you might just step into it.
Then there are always those religious people trying to hand out pamplets about how great their religion is and how much it is helping- they stand right next to a crippled homeless begger.
The feeling when you set a kernel parameter as a test but later yo forget to remove it and it causes your GPU to not enter higher memory clock speeds. Yeah been stuck at 625mhz with poor FPS when compared to 1450mhz.
Waiting for kernel 5.0 or 4.21 whatever it will be called (FFS call it 5.0 finally) that will add the ability to allow my GPU to use more power if i set the limit higher. Then lets fucking overclock it to hell.
And lets mod skyrim to hell right now. ENB and all that cool shit i coudlnt do with my old hardware.
I can already hear the fans going strong. Hmmmmm
Maybe i should apply some better thermal paste because it seems that this one is kind of bad. And oh yeah 5.0 adds ability to control the fans properly. So i can even "Overclock them even tho i wont because they were designed to run like this"
Some acer shitty tech that just applies more voltage to fans then normally. Im not able to do that on linux yet but this is going to change on 5.0
I cant wait.Tried the next branch and damn it feels nice. Fans going strong in games and i can unlimit the GPU power limit finally from 60W. But well its unstable as fuck because its next. So lets just wait for RC.
These slides are going to be available to you after the presentation...
Yeah... right ..... fuck you2
Not a rant, just another story about me and the man I'm gonna wife.
We both have an upcoming job interview, and I was just talking about how at our previous internship I was using python to automate some tedious tasks for me.
Me: it's like a general thing, right, to just automate things you don't really want to do
Me: like breathing, and waking up, ya know? I don't wanna do that shit
Him: it kind of already is automated.
Me: *three years of wasted time at med school come tumbling back in to my brain, suddenly recalling the brainstem*
Me: oh, yeah.1
I'm addicted to world of warships right now😫
Which game you guys plays a lot ?
Used to play cs 1.6 a lot too 😝
Yeah I know 1600 BC Game but it's still really fun😄20
My boss was telling me about his plans for me and the next projects till the next year, while my patrner was smiling knowing that i'm leaving soon once i find the perfect moment/ opportunity.
I was like "uhm, ok, yeah right" c:2
Boss thinks the CMS that another dev built over the course of a good year, will make customers say "ooooh yeah, I will definately come to you and pay a shitload of money for a buggy and unfinished system, even tho I will never be able to leave with a working copy of my website like I could with wordpress".
The whole effing things is based on an old, outdated version of a popular PHP framework.
Oh yeah, and I can not update <the framework> because the dev has tinkered with the core files :)
The whole fucking thing won't run on PHP7 and will explode right into my boss's face.
Not mine though, because I will be gone by then :)
Why was this even possible? Someone managed to make a GTK application in PHP, yeah a GTK application in PHP. I have no words...
So I get an email from college career development for a web developer & designer position.
Read into the requirements & function, I find this....
Who the fuck does put HARD CODING before CODING.. why would you even put that on the requirements. People are going to read that and find out how you run your company.
We all do some hard coding here & there but recruiters think it's a skill that comes before coding.. hard coding isn't coding hard...
They don't say company's name in email so I got suspicious.. or perhaps I thought I can be a detective lol. I was able to find out the company and looked at their Glassdoor.
Of course they have 1.6 stars.. two 1 star reviews by their employees. I can just imagine the horror working at this place lol.
Oh & the manager makes something like 110k.3
That time when I requested someone from a different department to include the ID row in their database excerpt. Me, having the lowest possible status in the company, did not know the who I wrote to was the boss over at the other department. So I ask straight forward: "Could you please include the ID row?"
Then a damn long email comes back stating that there was absolutely no time for stupid shit as mine. There existed no ID row and I would only waste his time. All further requests should be route via my boss.
So, fuck, he's pissed. So what he deserve? A shit load of honey right into his mouth, like he wants to.
That company had a huge ass hierarchy in job positions and I was at the bottom. So I write my oh-im-so-sorry-mail.
~I never knew what position he had and that I would of course fuck off with my stupid request.~
What was his response?
Oh, yeah, thanks. Have a look into the attachment, is that the ID row you requested?
Yeah, as one can guess, it was.
Stupid honeyfucker. Of course an ID row exists, duh.
I got yet another scammer calling me, this time it's something wrong with my computer LOL calling from Microsoft.
I flat out said this:
OH so you're a scammer right? Because there is nothing wrong with my PC.
I know I was supposed to post the other number on 4chan, but where exactly would I do so? there are so many categories and I'm new to 4chan
The guy hung up immediately!
Here ya go: 05967175950 bastard deserves to go to jail scamming normal PC users out of their information!3
Sometimes Im pretty impressed and envious by the skills of my fellow students.
Usually it looks like this:
me: So Uhm what u got for the <insert class here>?
him/her: Well its pretty simple algorithm which has big O of (Log(n)/1000000) which also mines bitcoin in the meanwhile and yeah, last night I figured out that it now generates electricity...
me: Uhm... My program prints Hello world... But backwards...
Like for real, sometimes I wish I find the motivation, to be awake 2 days straight just bursting with ideas of some crazy shit. Right now Im like 'You see that star behind that cloud? Jup it shines too bright, gotta get some sleep' -> Browsing devrant...2
Working a a GIS company, which just makes this so much worse:
Had to do conversion of wind direction degrees to shorthand symbols (N, SE, etc). Everything ends up rotated by 90 degrees, and the project manager craps on the dude that wrote the API I get the degrees from. He claims innocence, so I get it next.
Turns out, I used the Cartesian system (where 0 starts on the right) instead of the cardinal directions (where 0, North, is at the top).
Yeah, still haven’t lived that one down...
"You basically need a iOS and Android app, with access to the driver and also to the final client with an administrative environment and integration to pay online via the app"
- Uber like app request from a friend
So we have this project that we are hosting on our testing server for presentation purposes ( already provisioning prod server ).
Our boss was presenting it to investors and my superior committed a bug there and was asking me help to figure out how to fix it (yeah.. he doesn't know how to checkout last commits in git... fml), and I realised the presentation might still be going on... so I asked: isn't boss showing it to investors?
superior: lol, idk maybe.
me: right... ( I proceed to roll back changes ) bye, have a good lunch.
And here I am having lunch considering my life choices.
Boss: "Drop everything and help us test this application, right now!"
Me: "The environment isn't even configured properly.."
Boss: "yeah, we'll get to it"
Fuck you, Monday.1
Customer: So I have two emails and I'd like to be able to use them.
Me: Okay, I see you have both Windows Live Mail and Thunderbird...
Customer: Yeah, Thunderbird was the old one we used, we now use the Windows Live Mail, but it's always having problems.
Me: Well, Windows Live Mail isn't supported anymore, so I would recommend moving back to Thunderbird.
Customer: But that would mean I would have to get another email, right?
Me: No... *thinks for a moment* OK, imagine you have a garden hose that is connected to the main line of your house. You with me?
Customer: I guess...
Me: So the connection from your house is your email - or at least the server out on the internet. Now on the other end you have a hose splitter, and it splits off into two other hoses. Still with me?
Me: So on the end of the other two hoses you have two spray nozzles; one for each hose. Now one nozzle is from company A and the other is from company B. Both nozzles share some spray types on the heads, but there are a few heads on A that B doesn't have and vice versa.
Me: Those spray heads are Windows Live Mail and Thunderbird. They receive your mail from the same place, like the water, but they have different features. Does that makes sense?
Customer: I suppose.5
I see a major shift coming up im regards of how we continue to evolve the way our applications work in regards to web based solutions. Http was not meant to do the shit that we are doing today, yeah it works, but it continues to feel like a hack. The advent of A.I and WebAssembly will probably make developers more mindful about compilers and truly optimized code. Languages such as Rust are pointing in the right direction in terms of speed and safety and as our computers become more powerful so will our way to communicate with them. Eventually damn near every web based solution will include A.I even when it is not needed at all.
me, first job interview:
interviewer: so how about your knowledge of java
me: yeah, done some projects, should be ok
interviewer: what about polymorphism in java, can you tell me sth about it?
me (thinking i'm totally right): hehe, you can't do polymorphism in java!
guess what, didnt get the job :D7
1am and I'm waiting for my zipped project to finish uploading to OneDrive, so I can send my prof a link to it, because our fucking intranet just gloriously shat itself again -_-... Because a GitHub link is too mainstream I guess?
Ah yeah, deadline was 1h ago, but who cares about deadlines right?...
Weblogic Server won't start, broken build was auto-deployed. How does a broken build even get deployed? 🙄
Told "till the server is fixed work on your next-release bugs". Sure, can investigate, maybe even code fixes, but with a broken dev environment how do we test anything?
" Hmm..Oh yeah, right" 🤔
I'm so happy.
If nothing goes wrong I'm starting a formation on eletrónics, robotics and hardware in the end of the month...
Oh yeah, exactly what I needed right now.
Meeting time; issue. People have been leaving at an alarming rate. New boss pulls us into a meeting. We are the people that do the most every day to the point we are tired.
Boss: why do you think we are having issues with attrition?
Me: because we are tired of being told we are doing great work and then being treated like we sit around with are thumbs up are ass.
Boss: I... ummm
Me: yeah it's bad, also I quit.
Point is, I am now making more money, doing better work, in a better place. Point is, don't quit out right, but don't be afraid to look for a better place and take the time to interview.2
Sitting 3h in a bullshit claiming and blaming meeting called 'refinement' as 'the tech expert' while PO and customers fight how stories and bugs should be priorized and importantly enough they discussed why the god damn bugfix isn't alive yet that was promised to be deployed this morning.. I was up to deploy it right the time they said I really have to go to that meeting... Yeah.. Business as usual
"tl;dr: the account creation process at salesforce.com is really flawed.
In a lecture we were supposed to try out different CRM tools, one of them was salesforce. They are the worlds largest CRM software provider - not relevant for the rant, but it means they should have enough $$$ and competence to make something better.
When you create your account, you do not set a password. Instead they send you an email with a link, serving both as account activation and for setting your password. However, if you close the tab without setting a password, your account is still activated and the link in the email won't work anymore.
Alright, rather annoying, but that's why you can reset your password via email, right? Wrong. When you try to reset your password, they prompt you with a security question. Even when you never set them up. And obviously can't give the right answer. Who designed this logic?
On top of that, they nicely tell you to contact your sys admin if you are still having issues. My account is private. Not associated with any company.
So yeah, burned 3 emails until I figured that out and created 3 accounts I can never access again.";
Basic requirement of every Data Science college internship:
1) 2-3 years of experience... God damn it
2) Research and publications...(yeah right! in 2 years of college in which you taught me how to "work with" C on Turbo-C... I should have god damn publications... Well worked my ass on and have 2, but guess what campus internships says.. " no fucks given man", solve those damn segment tree question first then we will talk)
Its an infinite recursive while loop
There are no right answers in parenting, but there are sure as hell wrong ones and if the fucking backfire effect is too much to keep you from realizing that half of your stupid fucking decisions are delusional at best then you should probably start rethinking some things. I fucking hate dealing with other people fucking up and being stupid and I know I'm going to have to keep dealing with it in one form or another but god why I'm so done with this I just fucking don't want to deal with anyone anymore I don't want to deal with myself anymore
I dunno I don't have anyone to rant to so I can't like be specific here because it's public af but you know typing this makes me feel a little better but I still just don't want to deal with this shit anymore I don't even know what I do want to do there's like nothing the positive feedback is going away and I don't know what to fucking do with myself and I don't know how to change anything I can't fucking fix anything I mean I can fix my shitty code but I'm never getting anywhere with that and whenever I want to fix anything that's actually important I just fuck up regardless of how hard I try I just don't want to fucking try anymore I don't know if I'll actually hit post but I have to put this somewhere so probably but ugh I don't even fucking ugh literally all of my problems are so fucking dumb and small and elementary but I CAN'T FUCKING DO ANYTHING I keep ranting about these fucked up people I have to deal with and yeah they fucking suck and sometimes I wish they didn't exist but I know I'm just as if not more of an idiot and everyone would probably be better off if I didn't exist but wait no that would have happened but you guys don't get to know about that because it's specific and putting that here would fuck shit up but someone else could so that so much better and I don't know everyone who interacts with me is just hurting themselves like fuck why do some friends like blades better than me maybe because I'm even less caring and even more damaging than a stupid fucking inanimate sharp piece of metal god fucking ugh okay I can't focus on anything why is this even okay side rant why are atheists so fucking hated like yes maybe some can't understand their motives for like doing things but nobody can really understand each other's like religious people all use god or gods in their own way why do you have to think of people who have zero gods as opposed to your nonzero as less human than you there's so much wrong with that okay that side rant is over but this whole thing is a side rant so cool fuck my life lol uuh I don't know I don't want to stop typing I don't know why though I guess I just actually I have no fucking idea I'm just here doing this I should be like fucking asleep I'm passing the fuck out after this ugh okay okay okay okay okay okay okay umm I really want to quote a certain person that I really hate right now and dissect them and prove every single fucking stupid argument they make wrong but I feel like that would not be good since this is so public but I swear I hate this and you know what if you're thinking that yes I AM A FUCKING WHINY BITCH DEAL WITH IT I'M WHINING YOU DENSE FUCKER YOU DON'T HAVE TO POINT IT OUT AND FEEL SMUG IT'S BETTER TO VENT HERE THAN A LOT OF OTHER WAYS SO JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP OKAY ACTUALLY FUCK IT CALL ME OUT ON IT I NEED SOMETHING TO TAKE THIS OUT ON GOD AAAAAAH okay uuh yeah that's fun I'm a fuck up okay okay so you ask "how can you be a fuck up you're so young her der" okay being young generally is a disadvantage because you haven't had opportunity but boy have I and I sure fucked every single one of those up so yeah fun stuff you know woo haha mmkay I wish I had friends online this late because then I could like rant to a person and shit I mean this community is people but not people I know and it's not really back and forth as much and ugh okay right uuh yeah good um ugh I used to be able to get this shit out by doing something I'm good at but now I'm shit at everything and I can't motivate myself and it's all just bottled up and there's so much shit and nothing works and fuck there's probably a simple solution to everything I'm facing but I'm such a dense piece of shit that I can't find any of those stupid fucking ugh okay now I'm looking at my stupid hands typing ugh I hate the things right back up here uuh uuh I have 500 charas left lets fucking go I don't want to stop I mean I do want to stop but like by that I mean I just want to not exist I do want to keep typing here because it's the only thing distracting me but yeah uuh right um some people were like wtf happened with your stalking thing and this isn't where I should put it but fuck it whatever some weird guy just logged on for 10 mins to take a screenshot of the time being 2:22:22 and logged off and boom the school year ended uuh yeah kay right fuck I have to end it now
Aaaah okay uuh right bye I'm really sorry if you actually read that whole thing4
I wonder if there are employers here who read some of the rants and say, "oh wow, we shouldn't treat our developers this way, we should change."
Heh, yeah right.6
I just crave to start an open-source project. It's just that I don't feel like doing it alone. Anywone up for doin' something stupid? I have a few silly ideas in mind 😅
(Yeah, I need some other project than work...)
(Oh, right. Didn't feel like posting this over at the collab section. Felt to vague.)7
As a developer you're expected to perform all sorts of tasks that don't necessarily involve any coding or development at all. "A web form in Drupal? Uhm, it's got something to do with the web, right? Yeah, let's dump it on 'IT'."
So now I've been given this most frustrating task to use some form engine in Drupal. I have no access to the PHP code itself, and I don't even know what this form engine is called. All I know it's the crappiest of crap. The more I use it the more I hate it.
A manager just walked in and asked us to stop advertising a for hire advertisement for one of our stores... Okay no big deal right?
Yeah accept he followed up by asking if we could run an ad that told people that we have hired someone now.
Wouldn't that be like a hotel buying advertising that says they no longer have vacancy?1
Yeah ok. I went to bed extra early yesterday but i kept waking up at night and now i am tired anyways but thats ok. i have to go to work now but thats good. yeah this is great. now when the sun is up and i have to go to work, my body feels like it could sleep 10 hours straight but hey, i think this is just what i need right now before work.1
Colleague's answer to all QAs concerns : random technical jargon with 'postback' and 'aysnc' mixed.
QA. Ohhh.. Yeah sounds about right.
ME: yeah, you cannot fill the default value in file upload . Also I can't upload anything without user clicking button.. Its a security feature to avoid exploits..
QA : Stops making excuses man.
@11.30 pm -->BF: "Comm'on now...what Ya still doing there..aren t Ya comeing??? O.o already..."
ME: "Soon hun, i m learning some snake handeling here..hold on now!"
BF: "Yeeahp..Ya are handeling it all right already, you need to put it in the practice too. Come now. !" <<<--grinns.
ME: <<--lifting my glasses up to my head slowly: " I am writing...handwriting...the code!! Python!...?"
BF: "Yeah, i know...i saw yar test -B+.
If ya had done the finances calculus program for our maintance..my building checks, our food, your clothes...you would have more practice to put it into use...and you would have got an A probably..." He s freaking smirks and i went
qwaaak qwaaak qwaak- squachhh
I am so putting it into Rant )
..and i am so keeping him...
I was looking for an "alternation" (dunno if this is the right word): you go to work for 75% of the time, and you go to school the 25% left. Like this, you have tons of experience when you grab your diploma, and you can find a job way easier.
So i was in interview in a cool company, close from everything, that only* required to know the basics about Apache, Ruby and Python. The interview goes well, and the dude asks for a finish "you have your driver license right?" "Eeeer. No. I don't really need it, I mean the transports are everywhere in this city soo..."
Let's say I never heard of the dude ever again.
* : Yeah, right.
Hey, I got this new web project, but to be honest I haven’t coded much web in a few years and I’ve heard the landscape changed a bit. You are the most up-to date web dev around here right?
-The actual term is Front End engineer, but yeah, I’m the right guy. I do web in 2016. Visualisations, music players, flying drones that play football, you name it. I just came back from JsConf and ReactConf, so I know the latest technologies to create web apps.
Cool. I need to create a page that displays the latest activity from the users, so I just need to get the data from the REST endpoint and display it in some sort of filterable table, and update it if anything changes in the server. I was thinking maybe using jQuery to fetch and display the data?
read full article at https://hackernoon.com/how-it-feels...1
Yeah right. If we go hybrid mobile app it's like the same work as native but you get 2 apps for 2 platform for the same time / cost. That's how it works 😭
"Microsoft programming chief to devs: Tell us where windows hurts you"
You must be kidding, right? Since Windows 10 it hurst the moment it is installed on my fucking PC. I don't want those fucking cloud functionality on my fucking PC. If I want it, I would work on a Mac FFS!
Let me decide when to update my god damn machine! Even with a fucking enterprise edition it is not possible the way I want it! Yeah, I don't have to login with a Microsoft Account, but there is always a small, little, Microsoft-Hating-Devil in my Head telling me: "Who knows, if they don't sync your clipboard even, if you don't login with a Microsoft Account?" (Cloud synced Clipboards are the next bis shit coming!!!)
There is not much left, and Linux will be my all day OS (second boot atm).4
Systems guy: this is how you slow down development projects. By tying design to a software development ticket.
Software guy: yeah but that's how you get reminded to do the work and tie a design requirement to the software development effort in the ticket.
Systems: why do I need to be reminded of my design work?
Me: because you're a year behind software and at this point you are just documenting what software has already done?
Sometimes I feel like the design guys don't understand that if they want to be involved in the process they need to NOT keep us waiting until right up against the deadline to give us the design.
I know some sites are tracking and collecting a lot of data for advertising. But this is fucking insane... 200!!!! for marketing? For real? Holy shit!
Fuck off already...
(A shitty Danish newspaper - can't even remember why I visited it)3
"So you follow this workflow and it breaks"
"Right, we requested that because they're not supposed to do it that way"
"..... But it breaks"
"Yeah it's fine though"
In a class right now. The rants are more interesting than what the professor is teaching!
How our professors teach:
Step 1: Open up a PDF of the subject book.
Step 2: Read everything line-by-line.
Step 3: "Refer the internet".
Yeah, because I don't have the book to read the shit you're teaching.1
Some time ago I shared a story about negotiating a raise. After that I talked with boss a bit longer and he gave me a new assignment which is not really dev-related. His logic was that I know Java so I should be able to do this since system I'm going to work with is written in Java. Yeah, right.
I have to configure document-flow system, eDok, for our client. I have absolutely no idea about all this document processing and such, but oh well. It's his money.
To do so, my boss bought an serwer with Ubuntu and our client has installed it. I finished a beta version of my last project and today had to start working on this eDok shit. I tried to log in, but nothing was working. From the logs it looks like HDD has failed.
Well, at least it has happened now and not after I've configured everything 😅
For a moment, hold your php-hate in..
..FOR FUCKS SAKE they turned off warnings and errors on the server for customer applications. What the fuck. I mirrored one of those to fiddle around at home to find all generated files stuffed with "warning: we have no idea what we are doing at every line".
And yeah, the solution for my end is kind of simple, turn them off, too, but how about coding it the right way?:I
AWS and serverless is the future right?
Lambda functions are easy right?
I mean yeah it sounds easy enough to deploy a function and see it run wow, magic, but then in reality you need a lot of stuff:
Maybe 3rd party libraries
AWS configuration hell
Terraform or some shit to make it work
Integrate with other AWS services
Documentation sucks, mocking aws services locally also sucks, you have to write a billion different configuration before you can even begin to implement code.
Fuck my life4
Do you all sometimes have this strange feeling, that.. actually humanity would not lose anything, if we killed all that useless tech we earn our money with?
Yeah, we get all that propaganda how technical prowess is empowering and sure we all know it's a nice feeling if you can apply the right clicks and bit flips to make the machine do as you want so you feel like the apprentice's sorcerer.
BUT even if you believe your user story adds some business value to some abstract package - what do these devices mostly do? Distract, diffuse your focus, envy other eye-porn provider, endless aberration of clips.
Fuck social media!
(Yes, I know I am on one, but this is because I haven't given up hope on this one.)6
Currently writing a long-ass new issue to the Docker/CLI repository, to tell them that their online documentation for the manifests is absolute garbage. I mean, a documentation is supposed to tell you how to run commands, not something like "Yeah you try it and maybe it'll work. No it's not the good format, you dumb fuck. Nice, bro, but if you check what changed... That's right, nothing changed. At all. For no reason. Keep trying, it's fun!"
Just because I didn't get the logic of your labyrinth testing script doesn't mean I'm a bad programmer! Why the fuck do you choose which programmers to get with a Shit labyrinth JS script. I got all the programming right and now I probably won't get the job because of this.
Oh yeah and I did apply for a php job btw.
Dude closes EVERY issue on his repo IMMEDIATELY with "Why would you need to do that?" Yeah, you're right- it's totally unreasonable to expect my database interface to support integers other than int64. Ugghh1
Last week we were only one step ahead of going in production mode with the angular web app i coded a half year long. Sounds good right?
Yeah this morning my boss said in the dev Meeting, blazer is now in preview mode, let's do it with this tech, so our full stack is in c#...
He is not a web dev. He want to step back from coding in the near future, but yeah let's use fucking Blazer 😥
For the rest of the day, i started with a Blazer Test Project.. great start into the short week.
How about your start?6
We're finishing some projects for uni. I've done mine, and am just helping out with others.
There was a friend who is doing her write-up. My other buddy was just just troubling her for fun. He threatened to press the power button on the laptop, thus sending it to hibernate. Minor nuisance; she just need to turn it back on after all.
She pleaded to leave her & let her complete the write-up. So I asked her if I could quickly re-configure the power button. You know, go to the windows power settings, and tell it to do nothing upon pressing the button.
She said no. But the way she said it struck me odd. As in "No, why would anyone do that!?". Debatable. Just to make sure, I asked whether she understood what I requested. She made a quick hand gesture of plucking the power button off!! 😐
Me & my buddy just stare at each other. "Yeah you're right, you're right, what a stupid idea...". We just slowly scoot from there. 🏃
No idea how she reached this far...1
*me writing my sweet code like nothing bad could happend*
Xcode: bum! Compiling error
Me: what the...
Xcode: yeah right. Bam! Error
*clean, etc. compile again
Xcode: yeah, try your luck looser
Me: ok, let's google it. First stack overflow answer: just change the simulator and should work correctly.
And of course it worked. And that's how it works all day.
Fuck you Xcode! Fuck you Apple!
Funny how every single one of my side projects fails due to authentication/authorization/user management. Yeah... Funny and stuff... Thats the right word for my discourage I think... Funny! It's funny!
(open for suggestions)4
I moved a website to a new server, and nginx redirects me to another fucking website on the same server. I have been trying to fix that for FUCKING 3 HOURS. I did everything. Disabled EVERY site on that server except that one, works. I go back. Guess what..... haha it goes back and FUCKING REDIRECTS ME TO OTHER SITES. You have to be fucking kidding me right 🖕. I check if I miswrote anything, check if it's the control panels fault (doesn't look like it). I make a vhost myself for the site (with the other still active to check if it detected the vhost). Reload...
nginx: "One vhost was ignored because the servername already exists". Yeah yeah you twat nginx.
So le me disables every site again (except le not working site). I enable every site again.
nginx: "owh hey * someip * heres the site".
Me: .............. 😡😡 fucking twat. 🖕🖕
BTW, have no clue what caused it. Seems to work now. It shouldn't be a DNS issue I checked that. Anyone any ideas? Appreciate it.3
Yeah right teach us applets because they aren't going to be removed from java once version 10 is live
Paraview - a volume visualisation software. Not open source, but free!
That's great right? Well, fuck no. It's running everything on one core. The error messages are literally exceptions thrown to the screen. Shit keeps crashing with no error messages anyway. Instead of rendering the animation in 1 minute on the GPU or at least in 10 minutes on the CPU, I spend hours upon hours waiting for that one thread running at 70% to finish, and hope it won't crash.
So yeah, I would genuinely pay for the software that works and does the job than deal with all this nonsense...
Dear (Paraview) devs, do your work properly and price it appropriately, or don't do it at all.2
My team builds robots and we're trying to use an IMU for orientation. Asked one of the members to find our spare one because the one in the robot was apparently throwing errors.
Him: "Oh hey I couldn't find it"
Me: "did you look in all the boxes?"
Him: "ya dude I looked in all our boxes, even the box we never use"
Me: "shoot ok I guess we lost one, I'll order another one soon"
*1 day passes*
Me: goes to our main box to get a keyboard out
Me: opens the box, IMU is sitting right on top
Me: pulls out the keyboard, sees ANOTHER IMU sitting in the box
Me: "hey coworker, you said you looked in all the boxes, right?"
Him: "yeah dude no clue where it is."
Me: "it's sitting right on top. Plus there's another one in here"
Him: "oh lol that's weird"
That's all you have to say for yourself? That's weird?! DUDE NOT ONLY WAS IT SITTING RIGHT ON TOP OF THE BOX, THERE WE'RE *2* OF THEM IN THERE, IN THE MAIN BOX WE USE
the sad part is that's not even the worst part of the story... That part to follow soon ;)1
I am quite annoyed right now.
So I invite a few friends around to my house for a board game party and I, like many other teenagers in this day in age, decided to take photo of everybody there (including ones of myself). After the party ends I decided to post them to the group chat. Yeah, wrong move. One of the girls starts insulting me and calling me a pervert (I am a girl myself) and as she had been calling me these things for a while now I decided to leave the chat and then by the next school day, she decides to ignore me (this I am not complaining about) and during one of the classes we share I hear her complaining about me and saying some complete Bull about my self. WTF9
I hate going to bed with a headache only to wake up to a hundred emails about a feature they want in for that morning that the customer "needs" but has only brought up once before as a passing comment. Yeah, it was in the works but I don't have it done... I still have another 5 things to do before it gets done. I have an hour before you need it... There is no possible way to do this right now...
Hmm... A big text on a UI.Card (on Pebble) crashes the watchapp.
I could design a string length handler and its own text display function...
Or I could divide the text into smaller chunks and call it a day.
Here we go,"4.5"! "4.5+"! "4.5++"!
And now I could look into why it crashes when pressing the back button on a semi long text...
Or I could think of it as an automated memory cleanup! Yeah, right! Awesome! Plus, it's only two press to go back where I was!
Enterprise Architect after morning requirements session: "Well that is actually more simple than I thought. I don't think we'll need the full four days we have scheduled for this. What do you think."
Me: "Yeah, I don't think it will take four days."
*** Hours later right before end of day***
EA: "So how's it going?"
Me: "Pretty good... [details]..."
EA: "So are we still on track to be done by end of day tomorrow?"
Me: "Wait, what?"
EA: "You agreed it would be done in two days, remember?"
Me: "No, I don't remember that."
EA: "Yeah I asked if it could be done in two days and you said yes. Anyway, I'm heading out, just make sure it's done by end of day tomorrow."1
Doesn’t it bother anyone else that both HTTP/2 and HTTP/3 were both SPDY and QUIC at Google first? Yeah I know ideas have to “come from somewhere” and I guess it’s not really any different than the AT&T/Bell Labs/MIT of the past; but something doesn’t feel right.11
Whenever I see the name @CoffeeBoy come up I think to myself:
-Umm hey I think we just ran out of coffee,
-Aw shit and we are working overtime till we finish.
-Are you thinking what I'm thinking ?
-Are you thinking about how good it would be to be a cat.
-Uuh no why do you want to be a cat ?
-Well duuh cat's sleep all day. It's great !
-They also live for only 15 years so I would think in total you will sleep more than cats do.
-You like to ruin things for me don't you.
-I call it productive refactoring. But getting back on topic. I hear we have a new intern ?
-Yeah, that's Jim over there.
-Well lets tell him to get us coffee.
-Oh yeah that's a good idea, because interns already have the bare minimum of expectations from their life anyways !
-Hey Jim, yeah you Jimmie buddy can you get us a few cups of coffee we really need those to stay functioning right now.
-Yeah sure, what do you need.
-George drinks cappuccino, you can get me whatever. Thanks man here is the money. Buy yourself a cup too it's on me.
*Jim walks out of the room*
30 minutes has passed...
-Dude where is Jim at ? It shouldn't be that hard to get 3 cups of coffee from just a few blocks away.
-I hope he didn't get robbed or something he has MY money on him.
*22 minutes ago, jim walks out of the coffee shop carrying the 3 cups securely held under his arm *
-I thought he was just gonna use me as an errand boy or a coffee boy to be exact in this case. But it's nice of him to also pay for my cup. Maybe they are not such bad--
His sentence got cut off by the sudden impact with a metal surface at high velocity. He got hit by a car while he was crossing the street, too deep in thought to notice the speeding car in time.
After hitting Jim the car suddenly come to a halt with a screech noise from it's tires.
But it was too late the impact shattered his lower spine. Leaving a blodied body on the ground. Coffee from the smashed cups merged with his blood. Little did anyone know that day would be the birth of a new hero.
He,he,he he is the COFFEE BOY,
Fighting the evil villain Sleep Deprivation day and night, but mostly night. And his sidekick Mugatron always covering for Coffee Boy !!!
- Change this, change that too, oh and that too.
* Ok, will do ( however unlikely it's going to be finished correctly, as you didn't consult me before or listen to me about the impact this might have )
- ( just stfu and do it )
Sometime at or after important cutoff:
- Hey this doesn't show up, is that right
* Yeah, you wanted too many things changed at once + fix it and notice a stupid error like an && switched with a ||, or other models that don't know about change x yet
Why the GMail API docs and example were sucks, thats totally not cool! Yeah I need your API right now, but wtf is this docs, its so fcuking ugly. Even my swagger generated docs much better than this... Arrrrghh!2
University asks for a uml diagram as a companion for the project files (which need to be in bluej format, FML cancerous ide..)
So yeah, right now I feel 50-50% about this whole thing.3
Oh yeah! I am a struggling coder. I have a dream. I want to be a coder what if I am a software tester now. I will create my own softwares. The day I get my concepts right, you will see me scripting your story!2
Built something cool for some people. They are Happy - except of one. He reported Strange behaviour and weird bugs - can't reproduce this shit.. But suddenly He told me something.. guess what? He uses Internet Explorer. Yeah, you're right. Nearly nothing works quiet correct on this piece of Old Browser shit.
Some developers incopetence can be limitless. I found e-shop which uses creative but totally silly way of integrating with e-mails. See my last rant (they send e-mail with my 'From' to themselves). As I sent them delivery report (I have SPF enabled) and wrote them what is wrong, they apologized when I came to pick up the goods and were glad that I forwarded the report (otherwise my order would be quite delayed). But hey, everything is fine, they are working on new e-shop. I said great, hopefully it wouldn't be this messed up. And I was told that yeah, the new one will block .net and .com addresses right away. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? How can somebody use their incompetence as a reason to screw up even more! So next time, I'll probably use my local e-mail with SPF enabled to tech them to blick all e-mails and do stuff properly.
TechBA: (adter solving a really simple sql change) *yeah right, we really need devs* (implies sarcasm).
A real issue occurs that needs deep dive code analysis.
TechBA: thats not really our responsibility. thats entirely to the developer.
So recently I've been feeling like I fooled myself into thinking I'm any good at anything regarding development.
Today I tried to deploy a Console Application that would run nightly. The production systems are much more guarded, as it should be, but I should still be able to schedule a windows task (yeah yeah, windows servers, not the time Linux fanboys and not my choice :P) no problem.
Except I didn't expect that network users can't run jobs, because of a Group Policy about saving passwords on network accounts.
I expected a local administrator account to be available, and it wasn't.
Also a web API isn't available, even though I could telnet to the address on port 443 (HTTPS). A proxy apparently accepts all HTTP/HTTPS traffic and so on.
All this I feel like I should have known....
So am I in my own head, or am I right in thinking maybe I'm not "pro" development yet? Maybe I don't deserve to be "pro".
Long Story short. I'm developing a Web Platform for my company to share documents with our partners.
So this was way back in 2016. The site is finished for almost two years now. But the department's who wanted this in the first place didn't gave me permission to deploy until like two months ago. Now the site is running online. Yay.
Well guess what. The department responsible for the creation of sad documents, now wants a full blown configuration web site. Best part. Can it be like Free Commander? Yeah right I'm gonna build this on a website. The fuck is wrong. It was just a simple table with some helpful info to help them track their files.2
If anyone has pretender.io experience with IBM http server (yeah, you read it right), would you be kind enough to share your Twitter handle for a quick chat?
Learning a piece of software from an external supplier. The manual is thick like the bible. The examples fail without explanation. Trying to contact support just leads you down an endless trail of support articles. Damn right I get frustrated and bored. Can you blaim me for rather hanging around on devRant than desperately trying to work around problems in someone else's system/documentation? Yeah, I have to pull my shit together, but they have to pull theirs first.
hey you, yeah, you my friend who uses terminal, I'm sure you have already made some useful scripts right? wouldn't you like to share those ideas of your in the comments below? I'd love to steal them 😈😂4
Oh yeah that's right this friend of mine wanted me to make a RPG about French President Emmanuel Macron.
That would definitely look neat on my curriculum vitae.1
Do you ever read and re-read the description of some up coming training sessions and it reads like porn to you?
And you're like, yeah, I picked the right profession.