😥😥😥😥

Boss: I have really bad new
Me: What?
Boss: ....
Boss ... we have to clean your room tomorrow and remove all the Stallman posters, because marketing wants to film shit. But dont worry, we put them right up again when they are done

Manager: “We need you to stay in the room and not go outside to make personal calls on your mobile.”

Me: “uhmm okaaaay...”

*I get a call* “Yeah, I called about making a doctor appointment....my symptoms? Ummmm...*lowers voice to say it but everyone still hears...totally embarrassing*

Same manager, later, at performance review: “We found it highly inappropriate for you to be talking about your personal medical issues on the phone in front of everyone in the office.”

Burned it 🔥

Machine Learners :D

Postman: We will stop supporting our Chrome app. Please download our "Native" app for better performance.

No motherfuckers.. Go die, alone, while your fucking family watch you bleed to death helplessly.

Electron is not native, don't mix true native development with lazy ass electron. Fuck you. A native postman would've been around 15MB in size but your "native" installer is 68MB so shut the fuck up and don't call it native or I will stick my native dick in your fucking throats.

I develop native apps So yeah, I'm pissed when web devs are starting to call electron and JS as native desktop apps... They are not... Now fuck off you smelly cunts.

Me: Sometimes I talk to myself while debugging.
Me: OMG 😱, me too..
Me: Lets try pair programming next time.

Early in my career I was assigned the task of implementing a 3D pie chart into our application that you could spin and rotate with your mouse. You know, because sometimes you want to see the sides and the back of a pie chart.

Friend: I hate my new OnePlus 6. It's really slow and hangs a lot

Me: I can't believe

Friend: Use it yourself, you'll know.

*Me using his phone
*Realising it was really slow
*Checking his installed apps

- CCleaner
-DU Booster
-Antivirus free version
-Antivirus pro
-Antivirus ultimate
-Battery Saver
-App Booster
-Super Cleaner
-RAM Master

*poured poision in his coffee
*enjoyed watching him die slowly

Substitute Teacher who apparently majors in Java sees my copy.
T - Your programs are incomplete
M - You mean ?
T - Where are the braces ?
M - Its Python
T - It works ?
M - Yes
T - It works on linux ?
M - Yes -_-

Went to an art museum

I'M STARTING GRAD SCHOOL!!!!! I'm so excited I can't think properly. I started screaming in Latin and German mixed with English because I couldn't remember enough words in any one language to express myself, and I'm still certain I was incoherent.

Doing cybersecurity and forensics because I hate having a social life 😎

- Her : How’s your life going?

- Me :

*client calls in*

Me: good morning, how can I help you?
Client: my ip is blocked, could you unblock it for me?
Me: certainly! What's your ip address? Then I'll have a look.
Client: I'm not giving you my ip?! That's too privacy sensitive.
Me: 😶
Me: 😶
Me: 😶
Me: sir, I'm very keen on my privacy myself but without that information I can't do much for you 😬
Client: ah so you're refusing to help me?
Me: not like that, it's just very hard to lift an ip block for me when I don't know the ip address.
Client: you just don't want to help, fine.

*click*

😶

customer who didn't paid for 3 months: why is our server down?

me: server?. what server?.

Been looking around ways to improve devrant's user experience a little, Idk whether you guys like it or not.. Just a suggestion 😂

He is going places.

Contributor badge 👍

Admin: "Wait, I noticed unusual traffic."

Me: "What is it?"

Admin: "Looks like we have a bot here."

Me: "A bot? Didn't know we are so popular."

Admin: "It makes constantly login requests through our API, it already surpassed 600.000! I will ban it right away."

Me: "wait, that just sounds like my bot.."

Admin: "DUDE, WTF? ARE YOU SERIOUS?"

When there is bug, you don't know of, it can end up quite embarrassing.

At my study's final exams, I coded a system with login and everything included.

Showed it at the final delivery:
Fake client: awesome! So how do I logout?
Me: 😐
Me: 😶
Me: 😁
Me: 😓
Me: 😭

Yeah, you couldn't logout.

Duplex: Hi, Umm... Can I book 3 seats on Wednesday?

Restaurant: Sure! And what time is it?

Duplex: Yeah, Oh, I'd like it at NullPointer Exception if it's possible.

Restaurant: Invalid parameter "NullPointer Exception" restarting program...

If you hold a Unix shell up to your ear you can hear the C.

Found this on Reddit!
Makes sense!

1. Buy boxes of orange juice, almost past their expiry date.
2. Put boxes on the hot office windowsill for a few weeks.
3. Cool down juice in fridge.
4. "Hey dear coworker, would you like a refreshing juice box on this hot spring day?"
5. Watch coworker retch and vomit, spitting blue-grayish juice over his desk, crying: "Why would you give me old moldy juice without checking the date?"
6. "Do you remember when you told me you didn't have time for unit tests? THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS, DAVE, THIS IS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENS WHEN YOU DEPLOY UNTESTED CODE.... NOW FINISH YOUR JUICE!"

Saw this picture today

The shortcut for opening chrome history on mac is ⌘Y

Why the fuck would anyone do this? Because when I want to open history, the first letter that comes to my mind is Y obviously.

Also, why is downloads J? Who comes up with these shortcuts?

You know it..

L.E.D. Zeppelin

I have some databases on my new socks