In the begining of time, when The Company was small and The Data could fit in some fucking excel sheets, Those Who Came Before implemented some java tool to issue invoices, notify customers and clear received payments.

Then came the Time Of The Great Expanse, when The Company grew to unthinkable levels. Headcount increased with each passing day, and The Data shows that everything was going great!

But when the future seemed bright, came The Stall-Out. The days when The Company could not expand as fast as it did before. And Those Who Came Before left, abandoning their Undocumented Java Tool to its own luck.

Those who came after knew nothing of the inner workings of the Undocumented Java Tool. They knew only that the magical Jar would take a couple fucking excel spreadsheets and spit out reports and send emails like magic.
And those were The Dark Days.

In the darkness, The Data grew to be a monster. Soon a fucking excel spreadsheet could not hold The Data contained any longer. Those Who Came After, fearing the wrath of The Undocumented Java Tool, dared not mess with its code. Instead, they fucking cut away the lowest volume transactions from the fucking input spreadsheet, and left the company to report the unbilled invoices as "surprise losses". Fucking script kiddies, were Those Who Came After.

Then, at The Darkest of Days (literally, Dec 21st), marched into the project The Six Witchers, who fear not the Demon of Refactoring.

This story is still unfolding. Will The Six Witchers manage to unravel the mysteries of The Undocumented Java Tool? Will they be able to reverse engineer the fucking black box, and scale it's magic into a modern application?
Will they decrease revenue forecasting error by at least 2% in a single strike?

Only the future will tell.

Business User [1 PM]: So I know every month you’ve been using your dark magic SQL skills to transform my monthly data into better monthly data.

Well I know it’s the middle of the month, and this is totally random... but... I have some other data formatted totally differently, almost totally different data! You can just run this through your magic SQL Proc right?? Easy! Also, I need this by end of day... thank you for your support.

Me [1:01 PM]: K.

A combination of dark magic, unicorn sacrifices and caffeine.

The state of the web in 2020:
discussion sites as a medium are dying. chalk that up to censorship.

reddit is an echochamber. twitter is mostly a marketing platform disguised as (anti)social media. instagram is a self promotion/wannabe eceleb site, and youtube is the new hollywood..quickly becoming irrelevant.

facebook is where I (dont) go to (totally not) ignore all the people important to me.

and email is where I go to send letters bordering on hatespeech to my various local and federal "representatives", in between borderline cyberbullying people stupid enough not to automate their spam marketing in 2020. or talking to left/right self-help grifters about the state of society.

in the grim dark future of 2020, the last bastion of intelligent conversation, free speech, and civility, the one shining icon of hope in a dark world..
is the comment section of pornhub videos where a women got stuck under a bed for the 50,000th time. And all I can think is "wow I never knew how easy it was to get trapped under a bed. They should look into fixing this safety hazard."

newsmedia has jumped so many sharks, the fonz now spins in his grave so fast we could hook him up to a generator. meanwhile people hide in their homes for a disease so deadly you have to be tested to know if you even have it.

while ever more car commercials
are released, set to somber but hopeful piano music to the tune of "in this time of social distancing its important to stay close even when we're apart."

Im beginning to think media has become a poison on society, both television and the internet, and like an ersatz cargo cultist worshipping the great-charles- manson-in-the-sky we should all take a page from the unabomber and smash our televisions with hammers before going outside and sawing down the telephone polls.

I jest of course. But there is no denying the inherent appeal of moving from the unsettling uncertainty of complex societies, driven by expertly manipulated fear cycles, to the beatitude-esque simplicty of pastoral protestant style living, sans witch burning and shoe buckles.

And against the reckoning of utopians who are still fresh from the womb as it were, wet behind the ears and smelling of their mother's pussy, I reject the notion that "up" is a synonym for "forward."
Were it the case, every drinking binge, followed by throwing up, would bring us, with each vomitting, one step closer to heaven. Rather the state of affairs is what it is, and what it is, like most of nature, is a cruel master and a harsh teacher. And while we may binge on digital delusions of grandeur and a greater society, rest easy in the nihilistic and sobering thought that we are little more than 200,000 year old cave men wielding magic bricks, and atomic bombs.

..where water flows more readily from metal tubes in our houses than it does from the nile. where food comes to our door at little more than our beck and call.
where we may bath, and sleep, and *shit*, cleanly, comfortably, and safely, wrapped in the (failing) bubble of delusion we all tenaciously grasp collectively, the thing we call "civilization".

an empire of needful things, wanton and fragile.

if we have not gone mad from boredom, I have no doubt we one day will.

it becomes more and more obvious to me every day, had war never existed, it would have been necessary for man to invent it just to have something to do, that didnt include farming, fucking, or building.

And so enters "political idealogy."

How would we ever have enemies if we were allowed to speak our piece instead of being given the means (and reflex dogwhistle training) to silence and destroy one another?

give a man a gun, he'll rob a bank. give a man a bank, he'll rob the world.
give him a media empire or a tech platform, and he'll lie about the theft and convince one half of millions of lemmings to hate all the other lemmings.

after hours of trying to get the wifi working... Manjaro KDE is functional... and it's beautiful

Look at the blurred background behind the terminal! Magic!

Everything's so snappy... and the dark theme... I'm in love.

People caught using emojis in code should be driven into the sea.

Otherwise one day its gonna just be straight magic, without reason or understanding.

You're gonna type a bunch of moon runes into a glowing floaty interface, pour the blood of a chicken into a collector tray (totally not a pentagram) and "shit just happens" (tm).

And "scholars" (neckbeards) will spend all their time shape-in-wrong-hole idiocracy-style button mashing their mystical ouija board IDEs in the grim dark future, looking for combinations that do something useful.

Every time it glows red? Compile error.

Every time it glows green? Christmas is near, congrats it compiled.

Every time it sets off a mystical air siren (henceforth known as "fusrohdah"), runtime error. And probably explosions.

In the grim dark future of Apple 40k. A.D, there is only war, warp demons, and pending VSCode updates.

!dev

Long time, no rant. Why is facial hair so difficult to control? How do people even grow beards without looking like hobos all the time? Do I have to make some sort of sacrifice to a dark and malevolent entity?

Believe me, it's so much easier to keep on top of shaving body hair than taming face fur. Especially because your facial hair is, you know, on your *face* which means it's very visible. You can't hide it if you mess up. Unless you decide that wearing a balaclava is a good idea when going outside, like when going grocery shopping. Generally that isn't received too well though.

When it comes to the idea of programming and magic, or the comparison between software developers/engineers, computer scientists etc as magicians or wizards, nothing brings the idea much more close to hearth than the C programming language.

A while ago I read the R.A Salvatore books concerning Drizzt, the dark elf. I loved the books, have not continued reading them but I remember them vividly. There was one book in which a human magician came about wielding extremely explosive magic, humans were capable of channeling large amounts of it through explosive and unwieldly ends.

This is the same feeling I get from C

Consider:
int items[] = {1, 2, 3};
printf("Third : %i\n", 3[items]);

and fuck me if shit like the above is not dangerous, it makes sense, arrays have the first items of it server as the pointer address to a first element, doing the above operation returns the third element of the array of 3. But holy shit if I don't think this is dangerous and interesting as fuck

there are many more examples I have that I am finding through me fucking around with: language development (compiler, interpreter), kernel programming as well as net sec. C is the most powerful and devastating thing we have in our hands indeed.

I hate people ranting about “Uhh thats not responsive I sent a screen how I imagined it.“

Open Screen, 1918x703 px WIDE.

Explained for an hour that thats not fucking responsive. Nobody could see or read that even if I were to implement. Responsive fucking means text breaks BELOW the damn pictures to make it readable. I will never fit that on an iphone or something unless he pays extra so i can perform dark magic to force vertical view on some devices and put 100 alert functions that the device is not supported by the site.

Im so mad fuck him and fuck me

Can somebody please explain to me why I need to be an expert at witchcraft & dark magic just to merge 2 SVN branches. And why the fuck anybody still uses SVN when there's git.

First patch for buildroot submitted and added applied to master!! 😁

I had the impression that git (like, more than "git add ." was just too complicated and that making patches was some sort of dark magic using some obscure unix tools.

Well, it turns out that is actually pretty easy, fun and exhilarating!!

Looking forward to build up until I'm making contributions to the kernel! 🤓

Jackson JSON parser can be a pain in the ass sometimes.
Like, bro, I don't want you to pollute my JSON when saving into Redis. Because now the frontend clients suddenly don't understand the schema because it's riddled with @class and type definitions everywhere.
You have to perform dark magic to get this thing to work automatically with Spring Boot caching.
I've had to implement my own custom serializer and deserializer after wasting who knows how many hours on this.
Shit like this is why I tend to roll my own implementation for many things at the slightest hint that a library isn't flexible.

Got a chance to work again on a Spring project after a few years of working with JavaSE.
All these horrible memories started rushing back. SpringJPA and its dark magic that only works unintuitively and under very certain conditions...

Ooooh boi. Now I remember. I remember it all.

Why do developers enjoy being squeezed into frameworks and enjoy spending half of a day figuring out how to make the application code compatible with the said framework rather than just writing code that they have full control over...? Masochists much?

The development life cycle when taking over a project is much like that of a slightly retarded wizards first steps into utilizing the powers of the dark forces.

CONFUSION => CLARITY => FAILURE => CONFUSION => CONFUSION => BROKEN KEYBOARD => CONFUSION => UNKNOWN MAGIC => SUCCESS => CONFUSION => BORED OF THIS IT FUCKING WORKS => PUSH => SHUTDOWN

I. Hate. Windows. Apps. UGH.

I may never be able to play FS2020 from the Xbox Game Pass again as... Its unable to install, gives a helpful 0x1 error code, and the help page link goes to a 404.

Now, I caused this myself... Partially... Er, no, fully, but I had a good reason!

I wanted to install something larger again and didn't have enough disk space. Fired up WinDirStat and there was a huge, like... 45 GB file in C:\Program Files\WindowsApps\Somedir\

Googling around, I found some people saying its a temp file so that Windows Store could reserve enough space for the app instalation... Okay, so... It got stuck, and I had no way to remove it?

Of course I didn't want to remove all apps of the windows market... So, I did something any *sane* person would never do - Took ownership of the whole WindowsApps and gave myself full control. Then I removed the file and... FS2020 never launched again.

I couldn't even uninstall it! It would give me no error either. It just lagged and then did nothing.

I tried resetting all the ACLs, tried giving ownership back to TrustedInstaller, nothing worked. Failed on some of the files, wtf?

Launching the game only ever told me there was an update in progress.

Tried booting a windows iso image and fix the ACLs from there, nope, also failed for the same bunch of files of FS2020. (Permission Denied while on a live image? Wow)

Last resort, I booted up Linux and tried removing the offending folders from there, only to find out that... Huh. The NTFS module labelled the offending folders as... broken links leading to an "unsupported reparse point". But hey, it let me remove it at least.

Since then, it no longer appeared as installed, but... Now, anytime I want to install it, it just throws an error 0x00000001 with no further details.

So yeah, I know I caused this myself, but after fiddling with the permissions and ACLs and NTFS dark magic, I feel justified in saying - Fuck you WindowsApps DRM.

Another terrible rant from the inhereted Hydra source code. So deep in the dark dungeon of that code I noticed something interesting. They declare this INT32 array with an incredibly long (like 200 values) list of hard coded magic numbers. Something along the lines of:

INT32 array[200] = {-1,0,1,21,4,7,19,33...};

However, the resulting output was incorrect. After spending a fort night and a good chunk of my remaining sanity I had overcone the 437 levels of indirection left by the previous programmers, and narrowed it down to this line. But it looked perfectly fine.

I pull up the diffs and notice someone had checked in a change to the source. I track it to this line and find what the original data had been.

INT32 array[200] = {-1,0,1,2l,4,7,19,33...};

In VS the default font shows l and 1 as fucking identical. Someone had accidentally made that change to 21 from the original 2l and checked it in. I mean I can't really blame them. Who the fucking hell inatantiates a fucking int32 array and peppers in a fucking 2l (long) for no fucking reason?!

(Yes, another one of these)
Can someone please explain why android studio (including emulator, but still) plus a couple of firefox tabs and windows 10 occupy the ~8.7GB of RAM that are 74% of the 12 gigs I have? Especially since summing up the ram in use by applications according to task manager makes it look like only 3gb. Is Android Studio using some dark magic to conceal its RAM usage? What the hell!

This is !dev as fuck but does anyone know something like a book recommendation engine? There are a ton for movies and anime, but couldnt find a good one for books. The best would be one where i input some books and fonds me similar ones.

Alternatively, im looking for dark fantasy books where magic is negligible and potentially has assassins in it, if anyone knows good ones.

I use magic dark liquid of darkness from the shadows...with a bit of sugar.

IntPtrs are magic. They are the dark arts.

We use MDD!! I coined this term one night after getting frustrated and having a lot of drinks. What's that, you ask?
MAGIC DRIVEN DEVELOPMENT
It's when you're working on a not-so-recent code base and are afraid to make any changes in fear of breaking things up. You've touched some modules, and now you restrict yourself to work only on those treating all others as a blackbox. Even if something can be achieved by a small change in one of the blackboxes, you still go for multiple changes in the modules you're familiar with! Such is the horror. You start saying that those modules work by some dark magic that nobody understands!

!rant

I love when I discover "magic", such as the ipython % magics.
Makes me feel like I just rediscovered an ancient secret hidden in a dark dungeon.

Am I in developer hell already? A shitty project is about to come to an end (hopefully), or should I rather say: It needs to come to an end. But I am still quite lost in how to deal with it, hence procrastinating on it - making the deadline come closer and with it the realization that I'll probably have to rewrite almost everything. I'm not sure how, but I do know that the current code is a dumpster fire.

Basically what I need to do is dealing with the APIs of different payment providers/gateways (like PayPal, AmazonPay). For most cases I'll get a payment ID from the shop and need to act on it later, e.g. capture the authorized money in the case of a credit card transaction or do refunds (without user interaction, unless there is an error). Now at first I put something together where I try to abstract the payment information into two tables:
orders{1}<->{0..n}payments
payments{1}<->{1..n}paymentDetails

Unfortunately trying to abstract the different payment methods and to squeeze them (and their different possible stati and functions) in these tables was not very successful, it's a total mess with magic numbers, half-broken behavior and without any consideration for partial payments/captures or unfinished requests (i.e. if there is an exception before the response is dealt with, there is no indication that anything has ever been sent). Also the current amount is calculated through the history of the paymentDetails table, which basically works differently for each payment type.

How to fix this mess in a way that I'll still have a job by next week?

I'm trying to improve the db schema first, as I think my biggest problems are lying there. Through some research I've come across a recommendation for making payment type specific subtables (with a magic number/string in the main table to prevent having to look up all subtables). That way I can record what I send and receive without having to abstract it too much, so I'll have an acceptable transaction log. The paymentDetails table can be removed (necessary fields go to the payments table). The payments table gets multiple fields for the amount (differentiating between open, authorized, captured, processing and refunded values) and always reflects the current status.

Tables:
payments
paymentRequestsPaypal
paymentRequestsAmazonpay
paymentRequestsXyz

I think I'm going in the right direction here. hm. Maybe there's some light at the end of this long, dark tunnel. Or a train. I'll have two days to find out.

Going through my lore notes. And I'm playing a game with myself, so to speak: it's called "is this metal enough?", but with a side of quasi-metaphysical arcane technobabble plus mass wallmelting and nightmarishly psychedelic confusion.

For example... why are shadow gates a thing? Well, because of the undoing of time caused a multiplicity of parallel cycles that will, inevitably, slowly collapse upon themselves through a sequence of irreducible asynchronicities. But of course!

Now, as for the metal part, that's the undoing of time. You see, the Somberlain attempted to cast the most sinful signa in order to restore the desolate mortal realm as it stood on the brink of a world-ending cataclysm, this was after a decade of brutal, reckless litechnical abuse during the civil war fought amongst the first undecimvirate...

Now, he intended to roll back time itself as a way to avoid the cataclysm and restore life to the mortal realm, but the cost was immense: time was not rolled back, but rather __forcefully__ torn apart; it was effectively shredded, shattered, and undone.

Countless lives were lost as nearly six hundred years of Being were __erased__ in an instant, the most heinous large-scale blood sacrifice in history, spanning the entirety of the lower fragment of reality. I mean is this too dark, I'm not sure. How about I clarify: he didn't just snuff out their lives, no, they CEASED TO EXIST. THEY NEVER EXISTED. GONE. UNBECOMED INTO A TRUE IMMEMORIAL. OVER FIVE CENTURIES OF EVERY CONSCIOUS MOMENT ON EARTH DEVOURED TO FUEL HIS DARK MAGIC.

That's gotta have consequences, right? Well, obviously you'll get temporal distortions after that shit, I mean duh...

But wait, I'm lost, you say the undecimvirate deified themselves but were cast down after the whole superman spinning the earth backwards thing went full bathory and erased entire centuries from the fabric of the cosmos, so they were turned into the eleven thrones to guard over the eleven circles of the night eternal... but how is that linked to natural occurrences of teleportation?

First off, because *natural* teleportation is distinct from *artificial* teleportation. Failed experiments with (and miscasts of) mass transference of living matter are one of the leading causes of death among litarchs. It is not an instant transmission, just very, very quick, moreso than a mortal mind can process, that's why the "dilate" and "delay" sigils are added, so as to make the journey seem slowed down to the perceptions of whomever is teletransported, this is meant to ensure their brains don't __melt__ from the experience.

Similar reason as to why you have to give the _approximate_ total weight to carry when inscribing the ritual circle, you *do* know that it is __highly__ recommended to use accurate weighing scales to approximate this quantity, as under or overestimating it can lead to _FATAL_ consequences... do you not?

No, *natural* occurrences of teleportation do not have these constraints for two reasons: one, because both ends of the gateway are _fixed_ in both time and space due to the logic-defying occurrence of a future event being undeniably the cause of the past it revisited. Put on this toga. They are inextricably linked through the metaphorical and *literal* corpse of infinite collapsed timelines, which generates a conduit through the first circle of the night eternal, which *is* the domain of both forgetfulness and horror immemorial.

Second, the final layer on our stratified reality, that is, the final circle before the INVIOLABLE divine veil, wraps around the night eternal, which is why we call it "the shell". Or "Crisalida" if you dig Luis Alberto. It is a realm entirely outside of time, which is why the patriarchs can grant immortality, you see. By proximity to this sacred shell of existence, the timeline-corpse-conduit that links both ends of a shadow gate is, for all intents and purposes, approaching total chronostasis, therefore making it so bypassing physical space in a few seconds doesn't give you permanent loss of the sense of self as your brain turns into liquified jelly.

I don't remember what I was getting at and I don't care.

I believe that there's some evil dark magic in the BEAM that detects if the user or developer is on a non *nix machine and then purposefully throws all kinds of strange errors or just fucking blows itself up for no reason. Take the shit to a *nix machine and it just works like magic and is easy to work with which is part of the reason why I love it and the ecosystem.

which type are you ??

**Manager:** Hey, we've got a little hiccup in the production environment. I know it's Friday evening and you're probably daydreaming about pizza, but could you give it a peek?

**Type 1:** Man, this is like finding a needle in a haystack while wearing sunglasses at night. Might take me a few hours... or days. But hey, wish me luck and have an epic weekend!

**Type 2:** Eureka! Found the gremlin. It looks like XYZ person tried to be a bit too creative on commit number 2234324. Maybe they had too much caffeine? Anyway, could you have a chat with them? And oh, may your weekend be as smooth as a fresh jar of peanut butter.

**Type 3:** Detective mode activated! Found the sneaky bug. It was XYZ person's "masterpiece" in commit number 2234324. But fear not! I've put on my superhero cape and fixed it in commit number 345453345.

**Type 4:** This issue again? It's like a recurring bad dream about forgetting your pants! I've revamped the whole thing so we don't have to relive this nightmare. If someone tries to pull this off again, our CI/CD will roast them like a marshmallow over a campfire.

**Type 5:** Ta-da! Fixed the glitch, jazzed up the design, and sprinkled in some extra logging magic. Now, troubleshooting will be as easy as pie. Speaking of which, I've got time for a coffee and maybe a slice of pie before heading out. Cheers!
Type 6 **Gloomy**: Oh, the digital clouds have gathered again. This issue is like a never-ending rain on a Monday morning. I've peered into the abyss of our code, and it's... well, it's deep and dark. I'll need some time, a flashlight, and maybe a comforting blanket. If you don't hear from me in a few hours, send in a search party with some hot cocoa.

iptables is dark magic

P.S. I am lost in how to setup the needed things.

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