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I worked at a startup. They wanted to "save" money. So they hired a relative of "Fred" named "Bubba". Bubba made a custom website. Like hand built gifs and who knows how hand crafted html. It was fine for a time. Then somebody was wondering why nobody was calling us at the company. No customers. Another relative named "George" (who was actually a business major) looked at the website. It had been hacked and replaced with Jedis fighting Sith Lords. Me and another engineer named "Zeus" said "fuck this shit" and said "we are redoing this shit".
So I logged into godaddy (I know, shitty) and installed Wordpress (kinda shitty). I proceeded to turn wordpress into a half decent page. Wiped out the shit that was there, reused images as it made sense. Created more images. Reduced images to 80% quality to take loading size from 10MB to <1MB. Then I also proceeded to do SEO work and get the website listed properly within about a month. Customers started calling all the time. I had a simple contact form that barely gets any shit on it due to captcha. The was 5 years ago. I left 3 years ago (still help them on weekends) and nobody has done shit with the website. They are still getting calls and it hasn't been hacked.
We don't talk to Bubba. He didn't know what the fuck he was doing. I wonder if he still does websites for his relatives. I honestly had no clue what I was doing, but my take on the approach was easier to maintain and even George and Zeus and the new manager "Ralph" can maintain it, kinda. Went from shitty static website to full on dynamic and interactive. Yeah, I know, "dynamic". But the manager was happy.
Sometimes you just do what you gotta do in addition to doing all the electrical and software engineering for a company.6 -
got given the job of removing a menu link on a site my company hadn't built today.
biggest pile of dung ever! the site had folders for 5 different back end languages all full of random files not in use.
I dug around and found it was using a big framework that produces a massive single variable and outputs it as the page.
Eventually I realised this wasn't in use either but was still being loaded in the site! in fact the site even has a database and an admin login but the stupid original dev hard coded all the content in and runs includes to files in the admin folder directly from config!
such a confusing, pointless, shit site! Its like building a car and driving it like Fred from the Flintstones....1 -
His name is Fred and he occasionally reviews my code. Oh... he has stripes and an Instagram account.
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http://mindprod.com/jgloss/...
Skill in writing unmaintainable code
Chapter : The art of naming variables and methods
- Buy a copy of a baby naming book and you’ll never be at a loss for variable names. Fred is a wonderful name and easy to type. If you’re looking for easy-to-type variable names, try adsf or aoeu
- By misspelling in some function and variable names and spelling it correctly in others (such as SetPintleOpening SetPintalClosing) we effectively negate the use of grep or IDE search techniques.
- Use acronyms to keep the code terse. Real men never define acronyms; they understand them genetically.
- Randomly capitalize the first letter of a syllable in the middle of a word. For example: ComputeRasterHistoGram().
- Use accented characters on variable names.
- Randomly intersperse two languages (human or computer). If your boss insists you use his language, tell him you can organise your thoughts better in your own language, or, if that does not work, allege linguistic discrimination and threaten to sue your employers for a vast sum.
and many others :D -
As IT, I hate being too accessible to users (I'm a software dev, not help desk support). One particular user...let's call him Fred (even though his real name is Joe)...sits close to me.
---
Fred: Bobby, fix my Outlook (he says it jokingly but serious). It keeps saying it needs to be repaired.
Me: Yeah had the same issue last week. I just reinstalled it.
Fred: So...you can't fix it?
---
Fred: Bobby, I need access to X.
Me: Ok go to this link to request access and a manager will approve it.
Fred: Whaaat? That's too much work. You are IT and should just give me access.
---
Fred: Youtube isn't working.
Me: Ok...and?
Fred: It means my internet isn't working!
Me: *sigh*3 -
For the first time I tried to use WordPress. I spent almost 30mins. Now I decided I should not use that again in my life. Fuck WordPress.2
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For me the best of being a dev was described by Fred Brooks in his "The Mythical Man-Month":
...The programmer, like the poet, works only slightly removed from pure thought-stuff. He builds his castles in the air, from air, creating by exertion of the imagination. Few media of creation are so flexible, so easy to polish and rework, so readily capable of realizing grand conceptual structures....
Yet the program construct, unlike the poet's words, is real in the sense that it moves and works, producing visible outputs separate from the construct itself. […] The magic of myth and legend has come true in our time. One types the correct incantation on a keyboard, and a display screen comes to life, showing things that never were nor could be...
https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/...1 -
So I worked with this guy for 2 years. Lets call him Fred. He came into the company and immediately inserted himself as a programmer lead. I asked him to talk to our boss to determine if he was in fact in charge of the devs now. Our boss said he is not in charge of anything. He continued to act like a lead. I was like fine, "you can play boss for now". He was actually very helpful to bounce ideas off of and knew a lot about programming in general. I enjoyed working with him.
Fast forward 2 years after he was hired. I come into work and notice he isn't at work. I figure he was taking a longer vacation. It was around thanksgiving. A week goes by. I ask another coworker where Fred is. Coworker, "Oh, he was let go." Apparently there was a conflict with our boss with Fred. The boss had to work the weekend to write a bunch of code Fred was supposed to write.
So I got paranoid and wondering if I was going to get fired. I didn't understand the specifics of why and nobody was explaining this. I had planned on working on some extra code for another coworker, but decided against this due to the recent events. I just kept working the task I was assigned, but I kind of got depressed about this. This hurt my productivity for a month or two.
A few months go by. I talk to the coworker about Fred. The coworker explains that Fred never actually generated any code that was usable. Some of the code this coworker had to fix. So the sum total of code was actually a negative amount of lines written while working here.
How the fuck do you stay employed without writing code as a developer? The guy was smart, and understood math way better than I understand it. How can Fred seem like he knows what he is doing, but not produce anything? This would embarrass me to be this unproductive. I don't think the guy was incompetent. He always contributed guidance and helped keep projects on task. My coworker thinks Fred was trying to be a manager instead of a developer. Why not balance that and be both? I get sick of coding at times and would love to just talk to people.
I am very confused how Fred fucked up a pretty laid back dev job.4 -
When I was in school, I had a period called "computers" every week. We were told by our computer teacher to remove our shoes outside the computer lab to prevent viruses from entering the computers.10
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It’s throw back Thursday!
Back to 1979... before the time of the red dragon book compiler book, (forgetting about the green dragon book) ... there was a time where only a few well written compiler and assembler “theory” books existed.
What’s special about this one? Well Calingaert was the co patentor of the OS/360. .. “okay soo? ... well Fred Brook’s Mythical Man-Month book I posted the other day. Calingaert is basically the counterpart of brooks on the OS/360.
Anyway, the code is in assembly (obviously) and the compiler code is basic.
Other than this book and from my understanding 2-3 other books that’s all that was available on compilers and assemblers as far as books written goes at the token.
ALLL the rest of knowledge for compilers existed in the ACM and other computing journals of the time.
Is this book relevant today, eh not really, other than giving prospective, it’s a short in comparison to the red dragon books.
If you did read it, it’s more of a book that gives you more lecture and background and concepts.. rather than here’s a swath of code.. copy it and run.. done.. nope didn’t happen in this book.. apply what you lean here
10 -
G’day dev rant community, Im bloody annoyed, so what happened was i finished college about 1pm had a mad feed at grilled happy as fred, walking the streets of sydney past UTS - and thennnn “OMG HELLO CAN U STOP AND TALK TO ME?” And me silly enough give her 5 minutes of my precious time, mind you she is bloody yelling as she is talking ##%%#ing land whale!! “Can you please donate $5 a week to this charity - mind you its a ####ing scam- then another dude comes out of no where saying “oh has she been nice to you?” - me “ oh absolutely “ and in my mind im saying “no #%#%ing way does this blabbering whale normally speak like this”...
Then it only gets on my nerves “oh are you poor are you?? I know it must be extremely stressful and expensive living in sydney” he says , man who tf are these annoying pricks annoying people heading into and out of work?? How dare you say im poor you dont know me?!
Anyways ladies and gentlemen I sincerely hope you all have a great day or night wherever you may be!
Kind regards
Milo3 -
Me: *adds a shiny new graph to our foos web app showing player ratings*
Fred: Can I please have a button to see just my scores?
Me: *adds "JUST FRED" button*
Fred: perfect, thanks4 -
A few days back I talked to a person who is far away from me with an air distance of 7937km and electronic signals moving at almost speed of light crossing countries. That was good decent conversation.
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Not mine, but absolutely essential rant:
https://gizmodo.com/programming-suc...
One portion:
"You start by meeting Mary, project leader for a bridge in a major metropolitan area. Mary introduces you to Fred, after you get through the fifteen security checks installed by Dave because Dave had his sweater stolen off his desk once and Never Again. Fred only works with wood, so you ask why he's involved because this bridge is supposed to allow rush-hour traffic full of cars full of mortal humans to cross a 200-foot drop over rapids. Don't worry, says Mary, Fred's going to handle the walkways. What walkways? Well Fred made a good case for walkways and they're going to add to the bridge's appeal. Of course, they'll have to be built without railings, because there's a strict no railings rule enforced by Phil, who's not an engineer. Nobody's sure what Phil does, but it's definitely full of synergy and has to do with upper management, whom none of the engineers want to deal with so they just let Phil do what he wants. Sara, meanwhile, has found several hemorrhaging-edge paving techniques, and worked them all into the bridge design, so you'll have to build around each one as the bridge progresses, since each one means different underlying support and safety concerns. Tom and Harry have been working together for years, but have an ongoing feud over whether to use metric or imperial measurements, and it's become a case of "whoever got to that part of the design first." This has been such a headache for the people actually screwing things together, they've given up and just forced, hammered, or welded their way through the day with whatever parts were handy." -
During one of our 'pop-up' meetings last week.
Ralph: "The test code the developers are checking in is a mess. They don't know what they are doing."
ex.
var foo = SomeLibrary.GetFoo();
Assert.IsNotNull(foo);
Fred: "Ha ha..someone should talk to HR about our hiring practices. These people are literally driving the company backwards."
Me: "I think unit testing is complete waste of time."
- You could almost see the truck hit the wall and splatter watermelon everwhere..took Ralph and Fred a couple of seconds to respond
Fred: "Uh..unit testing is industry best practice. There is scientific evidence that prove testing reduces bugs and increases code quality"
Ralph: "Over 90% of our deployments are rolled back because of bugs. Unit testing will eliminate that."
Me: "Sorry, I disagree."
- Stepping on kittens wouldn't have gotten a worse look from Fred and Ralph
Fred: 'Pretty sure if you ask any professional developer, they'll tell you unit testing and code coverage reduces bugs.'
Me: "I'm not asking anyone else, I'm asking you. Find one failed deployment, just one, over the past 6 months that unit testing or code coverage would have prevented."
- good 3 seconds of awkward silence.
Ralph: "Well, those rollbacks are all mostly due to server mis-configurations. That's not a fair comparison."
Me: "I'm using your words. Unit tests reduces bugs and lack of good tests is the direct reason why we have so many failed deployments"
Boss: "Yea, Ralph...you and Fred kinda said that."
Fred: "No...we need to write good tests. Not this mess."
Me: "Like I said, show me one test you've written that would have prevented a rollback. Just one."
Ralph: "So, what? We do nothing?"
Me: "No, we have to stop worshiping this made up 80% code coverage idol. If not, developers are going to keep writing useless test code just to meet some percent. If we wrote device drivers or frameworks for other developers maybe, but we write CRUD apps. We execute a stored procedure or call a service. This 80% rule doesn't fit for code we write."
Fred: "If the developers took their head out of their ass.."
Me: "Hey!..uh..no, they are doing exactly what they are being told. Meet the 80% requirement, even if doesn't make sense."
Ralph: "Nobody told them to write *that* code."
Boss: "My gosh, what have you and Fred been complaining about for the past hour?"
- Ralph looks at his monitor and brilliantly changes the subject
Ralph: "Oh my f-king god...Trump said something stupid again ..."
At that point I put my headphones on went back to what I was doing. I'm pretty sure Fred and Ralph spent the rest of the day messaging back-n-forth, making fun of me or some random code I wrote 3 years ago (lots of typing and giggling). How can highly educated grown men (one has a masters in CS) get so petty and insecure?7 -
This is so nice..💙😄
<Heading>
Synopsis of Gita (religious book of Hindus)
<Stanza 1>
Code is an illusion
Today you are coding
Tomorrow someone else would do it
Thereafter someone else
<Stanza 2>
What did you learn
That is helping you in this Project
What are you learning
That will help you in your next Project
<Stanza 3>
Bug is the truth of life
It is today, and will remain forever
You think you have debugged the Bug
You are wrong
<Stanza 4>
It is continuous
In various new forms
It pops up
Recognise it Parth (Son of Hindu God)
<Stanza 5>
That's why go on making Codes
Don't think about the Bug
They will come to you
On their own1 -
IT people stereotypes:
young gods = „I know that already for ages. Those senior folks are way too pessimistic and too theoretical.
Give me shell.. wait.. Call me h4ck0r g0d now because I use kali linux.“
("no, you did not learn anything")
senior slow-moes = „could you please retry your last sentence? I just opened my wordpad“
("triple-facepalm")
sales-Sebastian = „Sure we can do that. By intention our solution offers only graphQL access because our design goal is minimalism and simplicity“
(no, your solution is piece of sh*t).
Framework-Fred = „let’s stick to togaf. Please use these terms from the glossary of following data management framework. You can reach me via ITIL process xy“
Nearshore-Naan-Ganjid = „I can program in HTML“
("program")
Feel free to extend5 -
In-laws are vacationing in London right now (wife's parents and aunt/uncle), so to keep in touch with the kids, I installed+configured Skype on their phones (these are folks in their 70s, no where close to tech savvy), I think they are good to go.
Last night we try to connect (I 'see' them online)...nothing, so we call.
Me: "Did you see or hear the skype notification?"
Grandma: "Was that you? My phone made a weird sound I never heard before and I saw your picture. I wasn't sure what to do so pressed the red button."
Me: "Its the same sound and picture I showed you before you guys left, remember? That's OK, the kids want to see you and say hi. Hang up and when you hear the sound and see my picture, click the green accept button"
I try again...ring..ring...nothing. About a second later we receive a text "Grandpa hit something and your picture went away. What do I do now?"
So, I try again...ring..ring...they finally pick up (we can only hear them)
Grandma: "Hello...hello? I don't hear or see anything, damn it Fred, what did you hit?"
Grandpa: "Nothing Betty, you aren't holding it right, turn it sideways .."
Wife: "Guys..we can hear you, can you see us?"
Grandpa: "Press this button with the line crossed through it .."
Wife: "Dad.."
Grandpa: "Hey!..See Betty, you had the phone turned wrong. Can you see us?"
Me: "No, you may have hit the video button..it looks like a little video camera, press it."
Grandma: "We did...nothing happened."
Me: "Are you sure? Try it again. The image may be grey or a little darkened, I don't remember."
Then we lose the sound.
Wife: "Oh good Lord they muted us. We're going to have to forget Skype and call them..."
All of a sudden we get video and sound. Cheers all around.
Then I hear in the background..
Uncle: "I thought 'PaperTrail' knew what he was doing? Apparently not."
I heard that and FU you, you old bastard. If you weren't a millionaire and paid for their London trip, I'd take 'knew what he was doing' and shove it up your ass when I see you.1 -
Cunts I want to punch in the face: (in order of priority, grouped by similarity.)
1. Anyone who uses the words 'doggo' or 'pupper'.
2. Rapists, masogynists, Scientologists.
3. Anyone with news about their latest Linux distro.
4. Kanye West, Fred West, John West.
5. Trump, Maybot, Bojo.
6. Friends of Trump, Maybot, Bojo.
7. Kevin Bacon (since the EE ads)
8. That child on the bus.
9. The parents of that child on the bus.
10. Anybody who disagrees with any item on this list.15 -
If not understanding code, read the documentation or debug the code. When trying to modify...
1. Follow proper indentation.
2. Don't make spelling mistakes and follow naming convention.
3. Don't try to write all the code in one line (based on line length set)
4. Simplify if else statements if possible.
5. If value of method call need to be used once, don't store it in a variable. Directly use where ever it is needed.
6. If there is duplicated code, put it in separate method and re-use it if possible.1 -
IDE: JetBrains IDEs with Material theme (Dracula)
Editor: VS Code
They are fast, amazing and beautiful while I write code.2 -
Fred Brooks was wrong when he said in No Silver Bullet that there is no single development that promises an order of magnitude improvement in productivity in a decade.
He didn't anticipate Stackoverflow.
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