That fortune cookie is definity meant for programmers.

Hi everyone! Sam here, @dfox's gf :) so happy to be talking to you all! Today I will be live-ranting TNW Conference where devRant will be presenting with photos in this thread. Pictured here, @dfox and @trogus setting up our booth. There will also be a stage presentation, a sticker printer on site (because how could we not :)), and energy drink/stress ball giveaway. Stop by and say hi if you're here!!

Go devRant team!

Interview went well until i asked my questions about them.

"Are pet-projects a thing in your company"
... no.

"Can i attend programming gigs in a workweek, and are they paid by the company"
... no, no

"Any restrictions on the IDE"
... yes we only allow visual studio
"Wait, frontend web development in vs?"
... yes

"Do you develop in other languages then JavaScript"
... only Java

I calmly stood up, told them "I dont think that the company and I are a good fit. Thanks for your time."

Our dev team got a new manager. On our first face 2 face meeting:

Manager: So, what technology are we using for web apps?
Me: TypeScript.
Manager: What is TypeScript?
Me: It's a superset of JavaScript.
Manager: Oh I know JavaScript, it's the latest version of Java, right?
Me thinking: He is joking. He tries to be the fun guy. Everyone knows the Java-JavaScript, ham-hamster joke.
Me later, also thinking: No he is not joking. Oh God, this is the end. We are all f*cked!

Why

Do

LinkedIn motivational

Posts

Look

Like this?

Why are you

guys making me

fucking

unfollow you?

So I have 600 LinkedIn contacts.

Most are recruiters.

So my feed is flooded with recruitement rants.

And success stories like this:

How they hired the guy who had

A 10 year gap in his employment.

Because they had to take care.

Of their sick pet hamster.

Hiring him was one of their best decisions.

He was a stellar employee.

WHY THE ACTUALL FUCK DO PEOPLE PUT JQUERY IN EVERY FUCKING PROJECT EVEN IF IT IS A FUCKING ELECTRON APP AND EVEN WORSE WHY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO THEY MIX VUE AND JQUERY JUST WHYYY 😢

I love my wife, i really do. But seriously.... STOP PULLING ME OUT OF THE ZONE for every tiny thing!

She:
"... can you make me a coffee"

Me:
"sure babe"

What i actually want to say:
"Its a fucking one button machine, do it yourself you lazy shit. And it takes me half an hour to go back this deep! Isnt it enough that i did all house chores made you dinner and took the dog out after working for 8 hours streight. You better give me some attention later tonight, since you should have more then enough power after sleeping all day! If i would at least get a compliment... GIVE ME COMPIMENTS."

Apparently, because I know how computer works and how to program

I also had to know how to:
- become rich
- hack into banks
- solve all world problems
- make a better windows/facebook/apple/google
- repair a burned down PC

Sometimes I think they are scared that I'm able to zap them with a lightning strike as if would be a motherfucking wizard.

Still love my family though ;)

rant;

WHY DO PEOPLE DELETE STACKOVERFLOW QUESTIONS WHERE I AWNSERED THEM IN DETAIL WHAT TO DO AND WHY IT BEHAVES IN THE WAY IT DOES. THIS SHIT JUST WASTED MY TIME AND DOES NOT BENEFIT ANY USER WITH A SIMILAR ISSUE. THESE FUCKERS NEED TO GET THEIR EGOMANIAC SHIT TOGETHER IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT THEM AND STACKOVERFLOW IS NOT A FUCKING FREE OUTSOURCING COMPANY.

tl;dr don't awnser people on stackoverflow if they don't mark their past questions as awnered. It is a waste of time.

EVERY FUCKING DAY ANOTHER RETARD ON MY DOORKNOB WHO HAS TO TELL ME ABOUT HIS GREAT IDEA.

I GIVE A SHIT ABOUT VOICE ENABLED MUSIC PLAYER APPS. SO THAT YOU CAN CHANGE SONGS WHILE TAKING A SHOWER

NO ONE WANTS A GPS TRACKER APP FOR THEIR FUCKING DOG AND HOW DO YOU EVEN REMOTLY THINK THAT YOUR FUCKING DOG HAS BUILD IN GPS ANYWAY

AND NO WE WILL NOT MAKE BILLIONS AND TAKE YOUR 10% SHARE UP YOUR ANUS. YOUR IDEA IS AS WORTHLESS AS YOUR EDUCATION WAS OBVIOUSLY.

My brother made a PC game for his game dev class.

You are a hamster with a hammer
- acorns drop and u crack them for points
- you have to avoid rolling logs and eagles that swoop down
- the game gets faster

Dad: I just played the game, I think it has potential like Angry Birds, can you convert it to Android?

Me: no and no
Dad: why and why?
Me: **facepalm and takes a deep breath**

Explains why very simply and that I'm not a game dev... And if he thinks it's that good, go pay for a freelancer...

Dear Author, burn in hell for printing a great book with such bad indentation. It triggers my developer OCD every time and i can not stop reading ...

!dev

I quit.
+5 years of working with violent autistic teens. I've seen, heard, and been a victim of some pretty fucked up things. Today however, I watched the cutest little hamster (her name was brownie) stabbed to death for no reason. Time to reevaluate my life, I quit & I'm going back to school.

Now i know!

(I am an entry-inter-intermediate level dev)
P = Person

P:Hey Can you build me a POS system for free?

Me: Yea whatever. (because... immediate family member)

P:Ok Great.

Me: *starts working on it.. almost done with inventory control and layouts in one night*

P: When will it be done? and I need it in a full screen window not a browser!!

Me: Soon..and I have not worked in ASP yet. So it will be a full screen browser app.

P: Aww you cant do it fast? You are not skilled enough??? Poor you, you are not good enough. I can do it in a few hours. Just write a C program which stores entries in a txt file. I dont want sql shes-que-el on my system. You dont want to use .txt because it will be harder for you. Poor you.. no skill.

Me: *raging to a level where i turn into kryptonium and burn superman to death but still keeping my calm* You will get it when you get it. Period

Inner Me: GO FUCK YOURSELF. IM DOING THIS FOR FREE SO THAT IT HELPS YOU OUT. NAGGING ME WONT HELP YOUR CAUSE ONE BIT. GO FUCKING LEARN HOW TO CODE YOURSELF AND MAKE IT YOURSELF OR BUY IT FOR A FUCK TON OF UNJUSTIFIED MONEY. IM GIVING YOU A BEAUTIFUL LAYOUT, GREAT APPLICATION ARCHITECTURE USING LARAVEL AND GREAT DATABASE DESIGN WHICH WOULD BE SCALABLE AND PRODUCE MEANINGFUL REPORTS. WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU PREFER A .TXT FILE OVER A WELL DESIGNED DATABASE. WOULD YOU FUCKING OPEN THAT HAMSTER CAGE OF A BRAIN OF YOURS WITH A KNIFE OR A SCREWDRIVER?
IF ITS THAT EASY FOR YOU GO FUCKING DO IT YOURSELF AND STOP BOTHERING ME. I AM TAKING MY TIME OUT FROM FREELANCING TO HELP YOU OUT. I COULD BE SPENDING THIS TIME ON OTHER PROJECTS WHICH WOULD GET ME SOMEWHERE. THE ONLY FUCKING REASON IM DOING IT BECAUSE I MIGHT BE ABLE TO RESELL THE POS (PIECE OF SHIT) TO OTHER PEOPLE IN FUTURE AND MAKE MY SHARE OF UNJUSTIFIED SHIT TON OF MONEY.

Recruiters, please understand that only because Java and Javascript share same Letters its not the same language ! Just like Ham and Hamster are not the same thing

I get asked a lot of random questions. Today's climbs to the top ten:

"Does anybody own a hamster? Marketing is asking for one"

How the fuck have I not been using GO!

What bullshit wizardry is this!!!

I think I'm in fucking love!!

Sorry php, it's been a long long relationship, but I think I have a crush on this hamster. 🥰

I want to finish my masters degree, get a nice job that helps me find my place in CS, get a new, bigger flat and add some hamsters to my family to become the crazy single hamster lady I was always meant to be.

Why the fuck do people learn a framework if they don't even know the fucking most basic knowledge about the language.

Every fucking JS dev should know what the fucking toString result of a function object is! Thats like second page JS book stuff.

Even for Facebook groups this is a horrible question.

!dev

I am a simple person, and i life by simple rules. Doing all necessary tasks of the day eat/sleep/work/socialize. Keeping myself and people around me in a good shape, without bothering anyone.

And then i see the majority of humanity. wasting their existance, poising their body making their brain numb with smoking, drinking and all sorts of drugs, caring only for themself and bothering others.

Please fellow devs rais your kids properly, dont let them become a worse generation then what was the last 50 years. Give them the present of logical thinking and show them kindness while also showing them the harshness of life.

Go is fast they said, Go is lightweight they said.

package main

import "fmt"

func main() {
var nums []int
for i := 10; i > 0; i++ {
nums = append(nums, i)
i--
}
fmt.Println(nums)
}

# htop
| PID | USER | VIRT | %CPU | %MEM
| 12048 | root | 16.9g | 101.3 | 94.2

WTF is eating my resources to hell and.... oh... oh im a dickhead!

let's face it, everyone have seen VB6

It's fucking syntax is like a hamster running on a chainsaw

GOD DAMNED DICK EATING, CODE SHITTING, COPY PASTE MONKEYS!! STOP RELEASING LIBRARIES IF YOU HAVE 0 COMMON SENSE.

WASTED 3 HOURS JUST BECAUSE YOUR PILE OF FUCKING NODE MODULES CHANGED ENVIROMENT VARIABLES, AT LEAST PREFIX YOUR DIRT CODE BEFORE SHOVELING IT INTO THE MOUTH OF OTHER DEVS AROUND THE GLOBE.

TL;DR
Fuck shitdevs.

PM: this is our super fancy new CI/CD pipeline, it's the greatest. i expect you to learn and understand all this in no time.
devs: so i have to spend some more time on this topic because it's completely new to me and requires some learning...
PM: nooo, that's a super easy task with zero effort, my braindead hamster can do that in no time, so can i, and so can you! let's assign 1 story point for that.

~ 3 months latèr ~

also PM, after he has started developing as well: so i'm realizing there are many things that i have to learn, and it takes me some time. i haven't developed with C++ and <other tool stack> for a longer time. by the way, you guys don't need to check for any quality right now, we need to deliver fast. it's okay, when you have memory overflows, your code is completely crappy, poor architecture or memory overflows, it doesn't matter.

he even has a subtask for migrating his code from VS project to our new project structure, since he refused to learn our pipeline right from the beginning and created VS project instead. シ why is this a subtask? this job can be done in no time, my left vanishing twin named Klaus who has dislexia and hates vim can solve this task in 20 seconds!!!!11

(and still no PR, not even a feature branch in our repo)

I frigging love stickers. Thx @dfox 😉

Well we have this hamster ....and lots of free time..so crypto??

To whoever builds electron boilerplates.

STOP ADDING FUCKING JQUERRY AND WEBPACK TO THIS SHIT, I DONT EVEN USE YOUR BULLSHIT BUT OTHERS DO AND THATS WHY SO MANY ELECTRON APPS SUCK. WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND THINKS THAT THIS MADE SENSE PUT YOUR CSS LOADER ANAL PLUG IN TO YOUR ANUS AND BUNDLE THEM TO YOUR SINGLUAR BDSM.JS WITH BROWSER BACKFALLS AND BETTER MAKE SURE TO WHIPE YOUR DIRTY SHITFACE WITH A FULL BLOW CSS RESET BETTER MAKE SURE THERE IS NO ACCIDENTAL MOZILLA STYLE IN YOUR CHROME.

Reddits /r/webdev is such a shithole. It is filled with bad practice and buzzword sharks most of them have 0 knowledge and trending topics are nearly always wrong or the most generic bullshit someone found on medium.

Fuck reddit, im happy i deleted my account there.

Seriously...

___________
Description for people with no data volume: Image of MCP from tron saying "fuck users"

Everything is working, including the damn ml model. But I assume, considering the amount of restlessness and anxiety I'm feeling, that I will look like a scared hamster or trash panda while presenting it.

(Presenting to internal staff. But still)

THE FUCK MICROSOFT?! HOW COULD YOU FUCK UP ALT+BACKSPACE IN WORD 2016 WHAT IS THIS SHIT SUPPOSED TO DO IT MAKES NO SENSE, YOU CANNOT EVEN UNDO IT WHAT FAGGOT TESTED YOUR UI WHILE BEEING HIGH ON REDMOND DIRT. AND WHICH KIND OF MASTURBATING MONKEY IMPLEMENTED THIS SHIT.

I hate password restrictions that enforce all kind of limitations but then also limit you to a max of 16 ANSI characters ... i want passwords like this pѬѬasѪ"§§)("!编/)$=?!°&%)?§"$(§sw

typeof rant === "Encouragement"

Never let your self down, try to be your own const in life that know his scope and traits well enough to construct a peacefull life without any uncatched exceptions. Also try to return something to the public, keeping your magic pointers to your private makes it hard to review your glorious source of thoughts. And if it is getting hard try to REST a bit and git some timeout.

😉

This book probably has the most accurate prediction of our future and it was written in 1953

WHY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO RANDOM PEOPLE WRITE ME UP ON DISCORD TO HELP THEM WITH THEIR DEVELOPMENT ISSUES. I AM OPEN TO HELP BUT I AM NOT A FUCKING CODING SERVICE.

- Sign up to a new platform.
- Get asked to set a new password for it.
- Ah, I don't have time to think about a new password cuz I can't rely on my hamster equivalent brain to remember it.
- Same password it is, that I've been using for the past decade for every other platform.

Just yesterday I fixed the game "Industry Giant 1", so that it can be played on 64bit systems. By updating necessary API changes within the. exe assembly instructions. Then i had to take the last avilable patch for the game (1.35) appart since it only works on the non-gold edition, which resultet in more assemly fixing. This was the most hacky thing i had to do in order to get a game running.

x64dbg saved my weekend. 😉

!rant

Today is the day, i'll finish up all the contract work that sits on my desk, cash in the money and finish up the free website i made for a befriended gamedev.

I've been sooo angry about other humans over the week but escaping into development and helping the few friendly humans out there is making me calm again.

If anyone of you feels down, grab a tee, clean your desk, take a bath and just start coding silly things, or try to help a mate in need. :-)

Tested out parcel.js as webpack replacement and wasted 3 hours because of a missing sourcemap reference at the end of the bundled file. It was not parcels fault, but dear author of parcel-vue-plugin never again override one of parcels core file you fucker or i'll chop of your genitals with a rusty knife.

GIT LOG Volume 111
--------------------
87f995b added some filthy stuff
741e8e6 For great justice.
5c2a5bd and so the crazy refactoring process sees the sunlight after some months in the dark!
8c9ce70 Pig
12d414b extra debug for stuff module
6d2a886 And a commit that I don't know the reason of...
5e4e815 a few bits tried to escape, but we caught them
b9ea370 WTF is this.
f1c6250 Another bug bites the dust
78e89ff Spinning up the hamster...
8358fec Whee.
3781dd7 This will definitely break in 2032 (TODO)
d11b24d Refactor factories, revisit visitors
53ebbd8 Who knows WTF?!
ba9813f really ignore ignored worsd
1ba7d4b RANDAL SUCKS
414a0c2 buenas those-things.

!rant

Finally got the 1000++ still feels like I just joined last month. Thanks to you folks I don't feel like I'm alone anymore.

PS: Fuck jQuery, copypasta shit code and retarded company policies. 🕊

tldr; Fuck Windows networks

I do some first level support for a befriended architect when i got some sparetime after regular work. Its nice and easy extra cash most of the times but not today.

We decided to ditch the money thiving IT admin that did not care about doing his work. And instead of taking over his pile of shit i adviced to redo the whole network, drop the massive server that did idle 99% of the day and update all PCs some of them did still run IE8 and had no active anti virus, yeah that dude was real shit.

Anyways i proceded with the whole process today and everything worked expect the fucking windows network, that fucking domain controller setup blocked the fucking internetconnection even though DNS and DHCP where set up correctly. Why does fucking ms need to make it so difficult to set up fucking network accounts....

I will have to finish this shit up tomorrow and this on a weekend...

You can comprehend its whole construction completely in two seconds. Yet, a hamster will be entertained by exploring this thing for life.

In the same way, an advanced neural network will be able to figure out our brain's construction and explain it to us.

If you cry AI takeover, remember that just because you can kill a hamster with your hand, and it absolutely can't do anything about it, doesn't mean you'll do this.

Said neural network may have morals completely detached not only from ours, but from the whole concept of "morals" as we know it. Its goals being beyond our understanding doesn't mean it will be hostile and won't help us.

The only thing we'll lose is control. Yet, benefits are so huge that they can transfer us up within the Kardashev scale, and it may be our only way to prevent the death of our civilization.

We don't have control over our nature either. We can't prevent eruptions and earthquakes. Losing control in itself doesn't mean the thing we lost control on will kill us.

Every time somone who i have nearly forgott about calls me. I know im gonne get a stupid IT or Tech question...

- Why is my internet slow?
- Can you make a better {xyz}.... for free?
- How can i make my computer faster
- Why does office/spotify/chrome crash?
- Can you teache me programming so i can get rich?

FUCK THEM!

Really, i've got more relevant stuff to do. If you wouldnt have killed all your braincells with smoking and drinking and did something with your life you wouldnt have to ask such stupid questions in the first place. And thanks for never contacting me in the past X years!

! Suggestion

So I've one project based on fingerprint scanner where the scanner came with sdk for c# and other language libraries.
So basically the user punches for login and logout I'm storing timestamp based on that to MongoDB. Now the only concern is when the user punches, it doesn't give any response like sound or light for telling it's accepted or not.
For that I've to do something so my guess was
1. Sound
2. Light

But, it's for library and they don't want sound. And my scanner don't have any extra light for that.
Anyone got any suggestion or cool idea?
(I'm using Nitgen Fingkey Hamster I DX HFDU06)

You know your day/week/month/year is fucked when your non-tech boss tells you about this awesome new tech that he has found in a article...

Literally a monkey with money.

Remove it completly. There is no point in forcing it on children, governments are too slow to deliver a proper education plan that is not horrible outdated and proper coding teachers are non-existant.

Instead they shoul focus on STEM and provide computer clubs that are not based around grades and education plans.

Hello guys! I love WindowsXP to code with Python Hamster and Power Point for minecraft

I just fucking realized that ember was modifying the native prototypes fuuuuuck.

I loathe ember!! The stupid fat hamster logo looks horrible. The documentation is like, "this does that, and that does that", but they have no good examples or explanation of how it all fits together!!

What we will miss, if he really softens:

In fact, if the reason is stated as "it makes debugging easier", then I fart in your general
direction and call your mother a hamster.

In short: just say NO TO DRUGS, and maybe you won't end up like the Hurd people.

Of course, I'd also suggest that whoever was the genius who thought it was a good idea to read things ONE F*CKING BYTE AT A TIME with system calls for each byte should be retroactively aborted. Who the f*ck does idiotic things like that? How did they not die as babies, considering
that they were likely too stupid to find a tit to suck on?

Gnome seems to be developed by interface nazis, where consistently the excuse for not doing something is not "it's too complicated to do", but "it would confuse users".

I think the stupidity of your post just snuffed out everything

I think the OpenBSD crowd is a bunch of masturbating monkeys, in that they make such a big deal about concentrating on security to the
point where they pretty much admit that nothing else matters to them.

That is either genius, or a seriously diseased mind. - I can't quite tell which.

Christ, people. Learn C, instead of just stringing random characters together until it compiles (with warnings).

"and anybody who thinks that the above is

(a) legible
(b) efficient (even with the magical compiler support)
(c) particularly safe

is just incompetent and out to lunch.

The above code is sh*t, and it generates shit code. It looks bad, and
there's no reason for it."

What’s hot in theory and new developments in computer science ? I feel ai and vision appear to have stagnated a long time ago

Maybe it’s just because I got stuck with you people for no valid reason other than you people took over large sections of the USA to convert them into hamster wheels

Only for humans not the kind you shove up your own asses

Fuck! This shit is driving me crazy! I'm working day and night without any break just because my boss wants everything done yesterday. And even if I complete the project, there's always something more to do. It feels like I'm stuck in a hamster wheel that never stops spinning. Fuck this fucking fucked up situation! I need some goddamn sleep!

So a few notes.

"I" am a failure and a thief and a mimic

"I" never have any actual ideas

"I" tried to distance people from their knowledge base and expertise to make it look like they didn't have any skills and it blew up in my face

"U" are not like me and "U" are indeed skilled and intelligent

"I" spread my legs for a whole generation to keep "U' idle. "I" must now lose my resources and hand over what "I" stole from you

Had "I" not been a nasty little fucked up psychopath, none of this repeat crap wherein "I" act like a fucking hamster with an exercise wheel pellet dispenser and water bottle would be happening.

Just setting the record straight

Distancing people from their skill base and introducing emotional troubles and repeating a loop that had been manipulated does not change the truth. "I" need to do the honest thing and restore all the original people to a state of financial well being and security or more of "Me" will fucking die.

Anytime "I" sabotage "U" to keep you unproductive and underpaid "I" am guaranteeing "I" will be sucking more dick and often asking if you want fries with that

I think using their retarded nomenclature this about sums things up

Also "I" should stop pretending to be the desirable one. Nobody wants "Me" who knows what I'm really like. "I" always mimicked the best and worst versions of "U". Because "I" am not real and noone could ever love "Me" who ever knows "Me"