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Search - "sdlc"
Inspired by @h3ll, this is a combination of current and former coworkers:
This guy has the social skills of a microwaved dog turd. He is a genius, but working with him is about as uncomfortable as sticking a grill skewer in your eye and twisting it repeatedly until close of business. He laughs at inappropriate times, and every time he does, an unborn child tears its own ears off. He explains things in a way that only himself and Satan understand, then talks to you like you're a child when you don't follow his logic. He is the guy you hide when the CEO is around. His code is immaculate.
This bowl of bile is the son of a bitch that takes credit for everybody else's work. When you do something good, he was miraculously involved, but when you mess up, this twat is the dicknose that brings it up in retrospective and calls you out by name to the boss. You can usually find these guys talking shit about the CTO, until the boss quits. Then they buddy up with the CTO and become a Joel Osteen-esque evangelist for everything the CTO wants in a shitty, underhanded attempt to climb the ladder. Fuck this guy.
This coworker used to teach Computer Science classes. Their resume is amazing, and they can speak to the most complex of design principles. This is the shitstain that you hire because of their skill and knowledge only to find out that ol' fuckwaffle can't apply the shit they spout to save their wretched lives. You'll spend more time listening to fuckwaffle lecture than you will reviewing their code (because they cant fucking write any!) You know the saying, those who can, do, and those who can't, teach? Yeah, that shit was written for Fuckwaffle.
Last but not least:
This guy isn't even a coder. This guy is worse than the the scum you pour out of the bottom of a slow-cooker that you forgot to wash last time you made chicken. He's a non-technical PM. You know the type, right? He usually says "cloud infrastructure," "paradigm," "algorithm," "SDLC," etc but has no grasp of any of them. He often opens his dumpster to spout off something like "You can just create a new class for that" while talking about HTML. I won't waste any more breath on Scrumdumb, he already creates enough work for me.3
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
oh it was a typo, cool2
On my project the customer has re-signed into a contract several times when they have budget to continue work. The first time they got us to build the system was a huge success story because the team was assembled quickly and we did rapid development. Initialize repo to prod in 1.5 months. The customer asked for the same dev team. Strong dev team, a PM that doesn't take shit, and pure agile. Lets call her don't-take-shit PM.
When the customer re-signed the executive decided that she didn't like don't-take-shit PM. So the project manager gets replaced by play-by-the-rules PM who will comply with stupid requests and micromanagement. He isn't a bad PM but he tries to make everyone happy. The amount of management types executive installs on the project is massive, and development team is cut down in major ways. Customer and executive shit rolls down to the development team and we can't get anything done. The customer starts to lose faith because we can't get traction. They start demanding traditional waterfall/SDLC docs. Which causes more delay in the project.
So the executive decides that the PM can take a fall for it to save face for the company. She moves play-by-the-rules PM to another project. He starts handover to a new PM that has a history of being her pushover. The customer hadn't seen him yet so now we have push-over PM.
Play-by-the-rules PM is finally out of the project and instead of moving to a different account the company decides to "lay him off because there is no work". So basically they made him take the fall for the failure while promising reassignment, and instead let him go. This is so unfair..
Meeting with push-over PM yesterday and he shows us his plan. Identical to play-by-the-rules PM's plan that got him axed.We point that out and show him the docs that were made for it. His face clearly communicates "OH SHIT WHAT DID I SIGN UP FOR?"1
Unreal Engine SDLC:
1. Start Epic
3. Start Unity
5. Open Project
7. Wait more
8. a bit longer...
9. (it usually crashes here, or freezes, in which case go to 1)
10. Game opened, make modifications in C++ codes
11. Wait VS to load
12. Wait VS to parse all the file in solution
13. Make changes
15. Run from Unreal
16. (sometimes, go to 9)
17. Goto 9
19. Goto 9
20. Congrats on finishing the game, and losing your patience8
So, you are telling me that I should motivate myself? For working in a dead end job with no scope of promotion, no imminent raise, ever changing job requirements, layoffs, empty cubicles, zero SDLC process in place, no oversight from upper management, it is somehow my fault for me being late to work everyday?
One of these days, I'm going to fling my resignation paper at your face and drop the mic!
Man, Fuck you son!3
Shouldn't be there a position called "Document Developer"! who's job is writing documents throughout the whole sdlc processes? Also expanding comments written by the coders. The only skill needed is English MVC framework!2
I am pissed at the way the our current SDLC is happening . i have been giving builds every 2 or 3 days since last week and their have been no major bugs. but just today, thursday, a day before final build, we get a million bugs, most of which are as follows, alongside my inner thoughts:
- requirement changes : "The design showed that there is a new ui for textbox, it didn't showed how much lines should it take. I am not an idiot to change it to 1 instead of 2 from the old design, out of my own mind QA karen!"
- lack of requirement understanding of the requirement : "Dear QA dave, I made the code using same ticket that you used for testing. how come i understood and made it and you couldn't? Why should you be asking me about this and not the PM?"
- lack of understanding of old behavior: "Dear QA dave, I spend fucking 2 days licking the boots of seniors to understand how the code work. I had just 3 days to provide first build. you had 7 days to understand the story. you should have licked someone's dick too to understand the story!
- miscommunication: "Deary karen. i appreciate your female balls to get even the story changed , even though you are a QA and not PM, and the way you did it oh so strongly by calling me 2 hours after the office hours with PM kim in the meeting. I will gladly do the changes now you got so many witnesses. but its not my fucking job to inform other devs to make changes. you or kim should be doing that and informing ios/web/embedded or all the fucking townhall !"
- bugs from old code: "dear karen, that's very nice of you to revisit old code and suddenly find a bug. but keep in mind that yours and dave's stupidity has also causes my ticket numbers to flood. I have to identify the valid bugs out of these, comment on your stupid shit , break out of all the current logics and stuff running in my mind in regards to current sprint and then i could look into this"
- reporting same bug again and again : "Deary karen. that's a very good thing that you caught an already known bug , clappings!! but we have said it once and we will say it again: if you wanna get it fixed, keep it for 1 particular sprint where i will be focusing on researching the root cause and possible solution. if i couldn't , then fuck this bug. STOP acting like a sales person trying to reach your targets by raising stupid shit as bug , before the release"
- lack of better testing and validation of code before merging: Dear TL John ,I respect you as the most awesome, reliable person of this ... company. you have been in this game for years before i even got my computer. i am just a humble out of school guy in front of you, with a tiny inch of knowledge. I took all the knowledge from you regarding the code, but i may have missed some paritcular thing, that you already would know.then why are you not mentioning those in review? even I, the guy with just an year of experience building apps, will politely inform you that you missed setting a fallback image while making this call, but you won' tell me that i missed updating my list somewhere? are you trying to intentionally get me into QA's shit??
- someone else's bugs on me: ugh.. senior bro randy... you seem so calm, and i always have peace when we are both working on some stuff. but why the hell team tries to discuss your bugs with me? can't you jump in even after i try to tag you a million times? and once again dear TL john, I am making PR to randy, not vice versa. i don't know any shit he added in code, don't think i can handle his bugs when he is celebrating holiday for their local festival . even you would know more as you reviewed both of our codes as a single branch before merging.
Now if i have to play blame games , i can easily point 1 finger at our QA team, 1 finger at our reviewer and remaining fingers at myself for getting into this situation. But I am lowly junior fresher dev who just started seeing decent money for the first time in life.
So instead i yield and show up my bare ass to them to fuck and make me sit on laptop for 14-15 hours even after the office hours10
Innovation week is upon us! Rejoice and delve into the years of tech debt to be refactored within one week!
Why does anyone pitch "innovation week" as a fun learning experience when a we are doing is cleaning under the rugs? We can barely get typical feature requests out the door in a week due to the overbearing demands of SAFe and Agile ceremonies.
So the current project that I am working on has a couple of phases based on a running competition. Currently the project is in it's 3rd phase as specified in the documentation, but I just got told that there are changes that need to be done so we're moving onto Phase 2 Part 2. How does a phase have a Part 2?
I hate it when I got severe sickness like fever that disable my focus and concentration, everything that i have planned to finish in a week is delayed, and any arrangements and meetings are postponed. It reduce me everything, productivity, income, client's trust, and it will eventually reduce my reputation.3
Can anyone freaking tell me that Agile is still relevant and yet one of the most hated approach??
I'm freaking confused.7
so management implements SDLC. finally. but here is the snag... none of the environments are setup for any developer , integration or uat testing. now all the while business keeps pushing changes knto us and making us try work miracles. anyone else have this hell of communication from the high holy management above not listening to developers concerns ?
Having to explain for the umpteenth time what the difference is between App Release Notes & App Description right before a release.
When you're agreed with prototyping sdlc then suddenly it became waterfall model.
"I'm thinking there's some lack of additional features that might be needed by our clie-"
"NO! CAN THE SOFTWARE WORK? WE NEED TO RELEASE TOMORROW "
"Yes it works ok deliver tomorrow"
Fucking cheesedick hobo here comes another deployment Friday that tops another nice fucking shit on your degenerative brain to come up with such a plan
You know something is not right when out of 13 SP task only 3 SP are for the actual implementation (with tests!) and the rest is for all the Agile / SDLC dance around it.2