My girlfriend is amazing:

After a long uphill battle trying to finish a huge open source project I started months ago. She noticed I was getting a little deflated.
So she donated a small amount to the donation page to lift my spirits.
She wanted to do it secretly but didn't know that it wasnt anonymous.

The little things spur us on.

Sometimes I wish I was driven by positive reasons, and not by self-loathing and sense of worthlessness. I didn't have an actual vacation for over 3 years.
I am now in Thailand with my parents, and I am working my ass off to meet IROS/RAL deadline instead of chilling. The urge to continue working is really compulsive. I am very tired.
On a brighter note, the early experiments I ran look promising

For all my friends here who have known me for years can easily notice there has been a drastic change in me.

I used to be confident. That shit was hollow but I used to laugh in the face of fear. I was ignorant and that ignorance fueled a lot of the much needed confidence.

Over the years, I learned a lot. The more I know, the more I realised how much I don't know. And for all that I know, I have to use the brain power to retain and implement it, else it rusts.

This image is of my 2021 goals that I drafted last December. Wasn't able to achieve the first, the last and the art one. But surely got myself surrounded by some of the smartest people I have ever worked with.

Now they have rightly said, be careful with what you wish for.

MY CONFIDENCE IS SHATTERED.

I feel dumb. Constant imposter syndrome. While I am learning every moment and there is no measure to it, I feel incompetent to an extent that I have started questioning how did I even reach this far?!

While, yet again I am the youngest in my team, my manager is bit micromanaging and agressive with OKRs/KPIs and tech team isn't very supportive creating constant friction (something I never faced with developers in my life because devs are my best friends), I fear how much more time will I take to ramp up in this new job and feel confident enough to tackle things on my own without constant nudge from leadership or different teams?

Or is it just that I have burnt out firefighting and lost the motivation I had?

After all, what does this all even mean?

My goal is to find the motivation to make a MVP for a company idea I have. The chances are low but not non-existent....

My manager’s manager (my superboss)..

Every time we go for a design discussion, this guy goes into his own world of inspiration, motivation, religion and damn things.. the more you think of pulling him back, the more lame jokes he starts to crack, the more you’ll bring in work related talks, the more stupid his output will be.. it is now resulting in a late delivery date, a frustrated manager, and a frustrated team. Moreover he says, he’s inspired from Elon Musk, dafuq, I mean seriously? What part of his approach on productivity you actually got inspired by? Sleep?

It's seriously fucked up how you just suddenly realize that you're getting old just with what you eat and drink. I never drank alcohol, but instead I sometimes drink sodas. The fucked up thing is that now I've noticed if I down a 1.5L bottle of soda with sugar in it, my motivation is gone the next day. I'm down, I'm irritated, tired, I just can't bring myself to work at all. The moment I open my IDE and start writing a function I just feel incredibly frustrated and wanna smash the keyboard and close the computer. I just want to lie on the couch and watch Netflix or game all day. That's so fucked up. Now I gotta stop drinking sodas so I can stay mentaly healthy?! Aargh!

I have to make a change to one of our web apps today. I hate front end, the code for this is terrible, the fix is going to be horrible and hacky.
I really miss having some kind of motivation for this work, it would make life easier.
Instead it’s just one empty pointless day after another.

so i think i have grown into a lazy ass and joined a company that's currently okay with a lazy ass , and i feel am looking at a big future doom.

its been 3 weeks in the company, i have got to know the product a little, but didn't contributed at all in it, i got a task of testing the sdk which i have been doing for quite some time, and have gained a personal growth of 0%

i have become such a lazy/anxious ass that i can't seem to get out of my office environment to read something that will improve me. i feel bad when i don't know how website, backend , cloud or certain android stuff works but since thw pressure to know them is coming from nowhere , i don't even try reading about them.
sometimes i feel worried that if someone asked me why i was reading something else in office hours the i won't be able to reply ( even though we don't have any official office hours and mthe company says they "only care about the task being completed") but most of the times its just... the lack of motivation to not pick that up. ironically i am watching movies or sleeping during my self defined office hours but not doing anything productive

maybe i have become more inclined towards money. so much so that i might not pick anything up if i am not being paid for it

any tips to come out of this hell hole? i feel like maybe doing some freelance projects would help but am scared shit to think of what will happen of my current employer finds out