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A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!"3
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A man goes inside a pet shop and starts to move around the cages to scout the pets. He sees a monkey with a price of 5000$ and goes to the merchant to ask for details. Hey mister, the monkey…what does it know to worth that much money? Well, it knows Windows 95, 98, 2000, and also knows Word, C++, Visual Basic and last but not least, it knows how to play computer games. - Good monkey, it's worth the money. He goes and finds another monkey with a price of 10000$ and again he will ask the merchant. "What does this monkey know?" "It knows Linux, Unix, Corel and Autocad." "Nice, even I don't know those things." On a last scout run he finds another monkey just sitting there with a price 20000$. The story repeats, and he goes with a lack of confidence to ask the merchant for details. "And what does this monkey do for that ridiculous amount of money?" "I never saw her doing anything, but the other two call her Project Manager!"4
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Manager: How much time would the team take to implement this new thing?
Me : Atleast 4 months
Manager: No, we do not have that much time.
Me: How much do we have?
Manager: 45 days
Me: . . . . . .
Me: Who set this deadline for a research project?
Manager: I did, I already committed to the upper management as well.
Me: *fml*
_______________________________________
And this people is why I have to give up on weekends occasionally!
*tries to hide pain*24 -
Project manager logic, explained with babies.
9 women can have 9 babies in 9 month. We only need one baby.
Deadline is one month!10 -
Project Manager: You used a hash/salt to encrypt the password in our customer database?
Me: Yes.
Project Manager: That's mean we will not be able to see the password?
Me: That's the whole point. Why would you want to see what password customer is choosing?
Project Manager: Change it. Use random encryption method.9 -
Manager: Give me an estimate for this project.
Me: It will take end to end approx two months.
Manager: Can you do it in a day. Make some magic happen. This is high critical for business.
Me: Sure. I have a small requirement from you to achieve it.
Manager: What
Me: Please get me the 'Limitless' capsule.9 -
FUCKING PROJECT MANAGERS.
FOR THE LAST TIME, YOUR ALTERNATIVE IS UNUSABLE As explained the original proposal, and in comments THAT YOU FUCKING REPLIED TO AND AGREED WITH, the thing you want to use WILL NOT WORK. WHY ARE YOU SUGGESTING IT AGAIN?
FUCK YOU, YOU HAIRY-ARSED TWERP.
Also, dfox can we please have fucking anonymous rants!10 -
Project manager: how was the day?
Me: wrote a few lines of code
Me: ran the code
Me: full of errors
Me: I cried8 -
"The client has no idea what they want, just throw your best guess out there and let's see what they say" -- best project manager in the world2
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Our project manager who also happens to be our web designer... (Start Up)
Project Manager: We have a go signal. Go convert this design to html and css. And make it responsive.
Me: Can you forward me the mail so I can check if it's actually approved?
Project Manager: Just do it.
Me: (After tweaking) There. It's done.
Project Manager: They want to change all the layout of the site. We're gonna do it from scratch. They didn't like the design.
Me: What? I thought your design was approved?
Project Manager: I thought so too. But i'm your PM so get back to work.
There was no mail from the client.7 -
Manager: We really need to save money with this project, so nobody call tech support for anything.
Me: There's this open-source solution that would work great.
Manager: Bad idea! There's no tech support number to call.
Me: ...4 -
Manager Logic: The project is behind, we have brought on additional managers to satisfy the client. 😲 The fuck is a manager going to do? "Meetings! We need more meetings to ensure the deadline is met."2
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The Adventures of my Project Manager.
--- Part 1
a little back story first:
-----------------------------
The project manager is the CEO's younger brother.
-----------------------
end of back story.
PM: Hey, we should stop using Nodejs on our API.
ME: Why?
PM: I don't see why it is necessary when we could make our android app talk directly with MongoDB.
.................
ME: QUE?!9 -
Me: *spends 4+ hours refactoring existing spaghetti, ensuring components are modular, easier to test and fault tolerant*
Project manager: ...
Also me: *adds pre-loader image to register and login buttons when user submits form*
Project manager: *All excited* Awesome work. 🙌That's some nice improvement..
Like wtf dude 😳..
My takeaway: These noobs only care about what they can directly interact with6 -
Q: WHO THE FUCK USES EXCEL FOR PROJECT MANAGEMENT?
A: My Product Manager
Excel because she cant wrap her head around using Trello. WHAT THE FUCK!
Some people exist just to make things more difficult for everyone else. Fucking pain in the ass.
This person is one of the most incompetent one I have ever met.
I dont have enough words to express my rage right now.13 -
I love companies that only use titles like 'Analyst'. Then, they can make you work as a developer, business analyst, tester, help desk, or project manager and there's no way you can ask for a raise or promotion6
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Being a developer means...
- Writing code
- Fixing bugs and issues
- Impromptu project manager to current project
- Making coffee
- Seeing unicorns
- Listening to the boss' suggestion that goes horribly wrong
- Contemplate10 -
Project manager: We have 13weeks for this project. We have promised the client.
Me: okay, why wasnt I consulted on that commitment?
Project Manager: yeah.... we have to do it
Me: okay, if we have 2 dedicated backend and one full time frontend - ONLY on this project.
Project manager: (with the face of lies) yes yes sure we can do that.
6 weeks later, after continuous interruptions. Frontend is behind because he was only on the project to an amount of 2 weeks of the 6 weeks.
Project manager: Are we still on time?
Me: *looks around for prank cameras* no the f#*k we not
Project manager: can we put in weekends?
Me: its 2019 bro, that ain't happening
*But because I am a nice guy, and dont like taking Ls, we will have it ready. Just not gonna tell the project manager, he deserves a few sleepless nights *7 -
[14 dependencies]
"Geez this project has a lot of dependencies. I know, I should use a package manager!"
[15 dependencies]4 -
When project manager is talking about things that I have no idea but I just keep saying "Yes, I can do it"
1 -
That moment when you listen to your boss' lies to a client when presenting a new product/feature.
I am like: damn, this guy is a talented actor!3 -
Development team of two, small company. Project manager is a fucking carpenter. With zero programming experience. also he's also the IT manager. FML.
8 -
Project manager: I see you all are running behind schedule. Let me add some more people to....
All(in unison): NOOOOO
#TrueStory1 -
Today on "I'm Not Crazy, I'm Just a Burnt Out Dev".
Project Manager: "What day would prefer to demo your work?"
Me: "Tomorrow or Wednesday"
Project Manager: "Tomorrow is Wednesday"
Me: "O"
Project Manager: "O"
Me: 🤝
Project Manager: 🤝
Anyone else having problems remembering which day of the week it is? 😂😂5 -
When you learn your project will be launched Monday in an email sent to the whole company, just before the weekend...
I'm not even kidding. No one on our team was consulted if the app was ready or not.
There was no infrastructure in place to even deploy the app. Everything had to be done in a hurry over the weekend to deploy something half baked, thanks to that idiot project manager who told his boss everything was ready.
Two colleagues ended up doing this work over the weekend, but looking back, if I was the one having to get something deployed over the weekend, I would have just refused and come back to work as usual on Monday and watch that idiot explain why it's not live. -
What the PMs always say: Always be thinking of ways to improve our system.
Me: Hey this is really poorly built. We should rebuild it before moving forward.
PMs: No just use the same code we used before. It was working so we don't need to rebuild it.4 -
That moment when your marketing manager makes technology decisions for your project and says "let's just use WordPress" ...
3 -
Got an email earlier this week. It went something like this:
"It looks like your team still hasn't delivered the logging and monitoring solution that we asked for. Can you get it done in time for our production deployment next Friday?"
Um, wait, excuse me, WHAT?
1. You never actually asked for the thing you claim we didn't deliver. In fact, when we brought up the fact that you should probably have some monitoring set up for your servers, you said it would be handled entirely by your own team.
2. I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON THIS PROJECT FOR SIX MONTHS WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOUR DEADLINE UNTIL NOW
3. I won't even have time to start working on this until the Monday after your prod deployment date. Sorrynotsorry.
I really shouldn't be surprised though. This project has been a clusterfuck from the very beginning so this is just par for the course.2 -
"Don't worry about pagination, we can just send the whole database to the front-end" ~ My Boss, being serious AF.
Worst of all, he has worked in system development for 20 years, he is not meant to be this stupid.6 -
Our PM hears us talking about git repos, and responds by referring to it as, "get," as if she was correcting our bad pronunciation.9
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Use the choices below to describe your Project Manager. No. you can't choose multiple it would be rude.
4 -
I just asked the project manager if I could go home early because I'm feeling down.
How can I ever quit after she sympathetically said yes?3 -
I'd post my wk200 goals, but my project manager is still busy gathering requirements for it and creating the epics.1
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*during project development, we use a library as core of tye app*
Manager: We need to add feature X.
Me: The library developer announced that this feature is not supported.
Manager: why is that?
Me: *giving some tech explanation*
Manager: ok, but still we need it urgently, we told the client we already have it.
Just a simple day on my work9 -
I inadvertently stuck my middle finger up at a project manager today when I meant to put my thumb up... whoops.6
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When you're deep into coding and every 15 mins a project manager taps you on the shoulder to see how it's going.2
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Manager 1: "We're going to hold a small meeting because of a new project."
Me: "Okay, cool. What project is it about?"
Manager 1: "Project X".
ME: "Right. What's the domain name?"
Manager 2: "Well there's this design but it's entirely made up. Just a concept."
Manager 1: "Wait, there's no more toner."
Manager 1 and 2 take 20 minutes to fix the printer, so manager 1 can print out an e-mail. They both return to their seats. No meeting happens. I roll a smoke and go outside to flip through LinkedIn for the nth time this week.3 -
Took a bit of time, but yesterday I sent in my resignation letter, long and some wat detailed list of grievances against the guy running the project.
Gonna suck to leave the team, but working for that man was tantamount to torture.
He actually gave me a lecture on Monday for not forcing my team to work unesesarry over time, because he can do nothing but make changes. I was also trouble for not doing his job and not treating my team like shit, as he does. According to him, forced overtime, disrespect are just the way leadership is.8 -
Project Manager comments on all my on-going tickets "any updates?"
And the project manager gets awarded "most productive"
While the tickets I've been assigned can't be closed in just a day
smh4 -
When you start a new job the same week the project manager is out of town and you haven't been onboarded yet.
3 -
Project manager asks why server is down. Reminded him that his team lead told me three months ago it was no longer needed.
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Me: "Of course it's technically possible. The problem here is that this would make the UX very confusing"
Project Manager: "So, when will it be done?"2 -
A project manager is someone who believes that if he/she joins 9 pregnant women they'll have a child in 1 month1
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My project manager said. “Hey MillenialDev, I’ll see you as my equal when you have same experience as me”. I resigned following week.1
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I've just finished my last day at work... I'm switching from being a 100% PM (almost 3 years) to being a 100% backend machine!
God, how I hated that job...8 -
Shit Project Managers say.. to my coworker when I'm not there :
"Hey do you think she's working hard enough ?..I don't know, she has only made 2 commits in the past week so.. "
Fortunately my coworker defended me and told me after but yeah.. As if you could measure efforts and work in development by counting lines of code, fuck-tard.5 -
When your team's hard work receive such a mail from the client and still your Project Manager treats you like shit :|
A little back story
Me (hybrid app guy), backend (php api) guy and ui guy (html-css) worked fuckin day and night, to chase the fuckin less than 10 days deadline for this App
We hard to create the App for all 4 platforms including win mobile and blackberry (god bless UI guy and me :|) ~ 2013
Those were the coolest days of our lives , we had a super blast - working (slogging) + drinking + just having fun cursing + not giving fuck to anything and anyone + more drinking..
Cool thing is, our client was in an impression that full backend and front end TEAM is working on this App 😀
This mail still makes us laugh
"professional team" 😁😂
Unfortunately I got paid only half of the salary for next month and left the company shortly
(because official company timing was from 10:00 AM or else half day paycut and I am a night guy, I used to come at around 12:00 noon)
3 -
Oxford Dicktionary: A Project Manager is simply a person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.
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My PM is a glorified Q&A tester. Has never coded in his life and refuses to use jira or slack. He basically emails me a word document (because he refuses to use google docs) with all his "so-called bugs' errors. I dare you to tell me of a worse PM.1
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A previous project manager thought that by marking every ticket as high priority, they would get done faster.
// priorities1 -
That wonderful first thing in the morning meeting where your PM who has zero coding experience wants to try to critique your already working code... 🙄"I think you forgot a semicolon here..."5
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On my project the customer has re-signed into a contract several times when they have budget to continue work. The first time they got us to build the system was a huge success story because the team was assembled quickly and we did rapid development. Initialize repo to prod in 1.5 months. The customer asked for the same dev team. Strong dev team, a PM that doesn't take shit, and pure agile. Lets call her don't-take-shit PM.
When the customer re-signed the executive decided that she didn't like don't-take-shit PM. So the project manager gets replaced by play-by-the-rules PM who will comply with stupid requests and micromanagement. He isn't a bad PM but he tries to make everyone happy. The amount of management types executive installs on the project is massive, and development team is cut down in major ways. Customer and executive shit rolls down to the development team and we can't get anything done. The customer starts to lose faith because we can't get traction. They start demanding traditional waterfall/SDLC docs. Which causes more delay in the project.
So the executive decides that the PM can take a fall for it to save face for the company. She moves play-by-the-rules PM to another project. He starts handover to a new PM that has a history of being her pushover. The customer hadn't seen him yet so now we have push-over PM.
Play-by-the-rules PM is finally out of the project and instead of moving to a different account the company decides to "lay him off because there is no work". So basically they made him take the fall for the failure while promising reassignment, and instead let him go. This is so unfair..
Meeting with push-over PM yesterday and he shows us his plan. Identical to play-by-the-rules PM's plan that got him axed.We point that out and show him the docs that were made for it. His face clearly communicates "OH SHIT WHAT DID I SIGN UP FOR?"1 -
when a project manager asks for an effort calculation due to changed requirements, but the calculation itself takes longer than the implementation would...
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"I don't care if it's world class in the back end! It has to look pretty. The back end can be hanging by a thread for all I care, front end is what the customer buys!", The Almighty Project Manager
Yeah...thanks...that's why loading a table is taking 3 minutes and 'v2' in an entire Refactoring of the back end. When deadline comes, read quote above to get a glimpse at the future.3 -
When the project manager (who knows nothing about code) tells me how to structure HTML markup. No, please, tell me how to do my job.1
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My manager asked me to have colleagues outside engineering dept test an interface for a personal project in order to get the best feedback on UI/X
-
Did you say "go to hell" to your project manager?
No, i would not use gogo.
So what's it with you and him?
I think he implements IDisposable.3 -
Before starting sprint we gave estimations, while discuss with my team, my project manager also part of the meeting. After three weeks my project manager start give list of tasks like this is API and this is front end and also estimations based on our previous sprint plan.
We pissed off. After that we never include our manager in technical meeting.
FYI - If you're using Google sheets for ball park estimations never give permission to your project manager to edit sheet.2 -
The company hired a Senior Project Manager (SPM) and two months in we had the following conversation:
SPM: Hey, go talk to the project stakeholders and get the requirements for the project.
Me: Uhm, isn't the PM supposed to go and gather the requirements?
SPM: I'll go check with the stakeholders. We don't have a PM :)
Me: You are the SPM... Which is the same thing?
SPM: hmmm... I'll go ask them and get back to you.
GFG, you've been here for two months, are supposed to be a senior with many years under your belt as a PM and yet know nothing about your job. You don't even know that you're a PM. -
"How many time do you need to close this task?"
"Mmh I guess 3 days and half"
"Ow..the delivery is this evening, is that a problem?"
Dude. Seriously, what the fuck!2 -
i want you to make zoom available in this bootstrap fancybox , but it should work perfectly in IE , tv, phones, bilboards , fridges, and microwaves...1
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Project Manager: I want you to work faster and make the performance faster. No excuses
Specs: potato pc9 -
Project manager, who i've complained in the past is neglecting critical things that he doesn't want to do, decided today to cancel our weekly planning meeting, to have the below conversation with me 1:1. Its very long, but anyone who has the will to get through it ... please tell me it's not just me. I'm so bewildered and angry.
Side note: His solution to the planning meeting not taking place ... to just not have one and asked everyone to figure it out themselves offline, with no guidance on priorities.
Conversation:
PM: I need to talk to you about some of phrasing you use during collaboration. It's coming across slightly offensive, or angry or something like that.
Me: ok, can you give me an example?
PM: The ticket I opened yesterday, where you closed it with a comment something along the lines of "as discussed several times before, this is an issue with library X, can't be fixed until Y ...".
"As discussed several times" comes across aggressive.
Me: Ok, fair enough, I get quite frustrated when we are under a crunch, working long hours, and I have to keep debugging or responding to the same tickets over and over. I mean, like we do need to solve this problem, I don't think its fair that we just keep ignoring this.
PM: See this is the problem, you never told me.
Me: ... told you what?
PM: That this is a known issue and not to test it.
Me: ..... i'm sorry ..... I did, that was the comment, this is the 4th ticket i've closed about it.
PM: Right but when you sent me this app, you never said "don't test this".
Me: But I told you that, the last 3 times that it won't be in until feature X, which you know is next month.
PM: No, you need to tell me on each internal release what not to test.
Me: But we release multiple times per week internally. Do you really need me to write a big list of "still broken, still broken, still broken, still broken"?
PM: Yes, how else will I know?
Me: This is documented, the last QA contractor we had work for us, wrote a lot of this down. Its in other tickets that are still open, or notes on test cases etc. You were tagged in all of these too. Can you not read those? and not test them unless I say I've fixed them?
PM: No, i'm only filling for QA until we hire a full time. Thats QA's job to read those and maintain those documents.
Me: So you want me to document for you every single release, whats already documented in a different place?
PM: ok we'll come back to this. Speaking of hiring QA. You left a comment on the excel spreadsheet questioning my decision, publicly, thats not ok.
Me: When I asked why my top pick was rejected?
PM: Yes. Its great that you are involved in this, but I have to work closely with this person and I said no, is that not enough?
Me: Well you asked me to participate, reviewing resumes's and interviewing people. And I also have to work extremely close with this person.
PM: Are you doubting my ability to interview or filter people?
Me: ..... well a little bit yeah. You asked me to interview your top pick after you interviewed her and thought she was great. She was very under qualified. And the second resume you picked was missing 50% of the requirements we asked for ... given those two didn't go well, I do think its fair to ask why my top pick was rejected? ... even just to know the reason?
PM: Could you not have asked publicly? face to face?
Me: you tagged me on a google sheet, asking me to review a resume, and rather than tag you back on 2 rows below ... you want me to wait 4 days to ask you at our next face to face? (which you just cancelled for this meeting)
PM: That would have been more appropriate
Me: ..... i'm sorry, i don't want to be rude but thats ridiculous and very nit pick-y. You asked my opinion on one row, I asked yours on another. To say theres anything wrong with that is ridiculous
PM: Well we are going to call another team meeting and discuss all this face to face then, because this isn't working. We need to jump to this other call now, lets leave it here.4 -
I gave my project manager a prototype of the ocr app we're developing to play with, just for fun. The next morning, I enter the office to see this along with a well structure spreadsheet with some 40 columns.
Never underestimate the seriousness of a project manager.
3 -
Becoming a Project Manager, I've always liked to manage projects and teams. But first of, graduate. Then climb the ladder7
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Of course I can change someone else's code to do something totally different, understand it and all within an hour of your call... on a Sunday morning! 😠
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Boss yelled at lead mobile dev for low productivity because the project manager present him wrong timetables and added accidentally one more week of work.
Next day boss yelled at the lead mobile dev cause the back end wasnt working well.
Project manager and lead back end developer enjoy life! Front is hell :P5 -
For productivity I get to work at 5:30 and code until 8:30 before I open my emails for the first time. That's when my real job starts as a Project Manager (in the throes of teaching himself to code at age 37)3
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When a project manager has 'fixes' written on paper and wants to sit with you while you make them.1
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When you debug a project on someone else's computer, and then commit push, and the manager tells you that you dont have enough commits . Fuck it.2
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Colleague: looks perfect
Project manager: make it a little better
Client: I don't care. Just show me the godamn data!2 -
Why invite me to a 3 hour meeting where my old manager just pretends I don't exist and is trying to push me out of the project completely?
He's just bitter because I asked my new manager advice because he was too busy trying to get a new job at a different company.. rather than being my manager. -
really fucking hate those PM types who will hear a smart sounding term or buzzword used by a developer, and then proceed to overuse it (mostly incorrectly) in every fucking conversation as if it's le mot du jour.
or better yet, when the fucking parrot proceeds to drive a meeting with PO's by regurgitating verbatim your explanation you gave to him 2 hours before as if he knows that the fuck he's talking about. oh but when someone asks a question for clarification - "hey dev, you wanna take this one?"
hey PM, you wanna lick my balls?5 -
We are forced to work on weekends because the management and the project manager loves to kiss the ass of our clients. I was even scolded by working from home.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
ITS NOT FUCKING FAIR THAT WE HAVE TO SUFFER AND SHOULDER THEIR INCOMPETENCE IN MANAGING THIS FUCKING PROJECT.
Damnit. God Damnit.5 -
you know you are in some deep shit when project manager asks for username and password on dev environment
... and as bonus: IE is his default browser1 -
That moment when your project manager says to the client "That is clearly possible". After that he asks you if that is in fact possible to do, you say: "is possible with major limitations" and then he understand they screwed up but in the end the one that is screwed up is you.1
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Minimum resolution supported on the project is 1280px
Learn that Product Manager is selling it as responsive
*sigh
2 -
when your project manager makes you redo the same tickets over and over because she keeps messing up her usability tests
-
A bad PM looks at every project in the last 6 months noticing how they are each far over their estimated time, angrily asks why each is so far over and then continues to self quote development jobs.1
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I remember at a company that I was working as a Drupal developer, I had finished building a website (both designed and developed it) using Drupal 7. I was very satisfied with the result and the way the company was operating, I had to show it to the project manager and he would say if it was OK to show it to the boss and then I would contact the client to say that we are finished.
When I showed it to the PM, he provided some changes from his personal "I know everything" book and after I made them, we both went to the boss' office. Keep in mind that I had built the website following the clients notes and preferences (custom sliders, certain color swatches etc.) and I was on point.
So, after we entered the office, we sat and I was pumped to hear good news. But, not a minute passed since the page loaded and the boss was clearly unhappy with the result, and more specifically with the changes that the PM provided (not even my fault). When he finished talking, I tried to explain that I followed exactly what the client said and executed accordingly, without the changes that the PM had put on the table. Suddenly, the boss' face was angered and turning red(ish). He started shouting at me and saying that I was not experienced enough to know what I am saying (I was 21 years old at the time), and that they had the experience to criticize if the website was ready or not and if the client would like it, pointing out that I wasn't capable of knowing what the client needed.
I was bursting in my chest, I felt a fire burning with anger and righteousness, but I turned my face down and apologized. It SUCKED! It felt SO bad. I took the notes that he said (which changed 90% of the website's design) and after that I called the client.
I felt some kind of vengeance when the client started shouting at the PM, when he saw the website. He yelled and said that, the design that the boss chose, was not remotely close to what the client had requested.
Next day after I finished the website with the design I had provided, the boss was looking at me like a (proud) wet cat, saying 'well done' but not another word, while entering his office.
Well, at least the client was happy at the end! That's all that matters, right?4 -
// PSA //
Please everybody, go to your Project/Product Manager, Product Owner or whoever thinks it is a good idea to sacrify the usability and speed of the software/product for sake of faster updates, solutions that are easier/simpler to develop and implement, or new features not even the users itself could think of. Thanks.2 -
My project manager decided to go full micromanager today. So members of the team have been emailing our manager and the PMs manager to explain why what he's doing is bad both for our deliverables and our moral1
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Project Manager logic (the best kind).
PM: Here are a list of the tickets we need to address next.
Architect: Hang on, didn't X raise a number of critical bugs yesterday? They were serious, we need to fix the critical bugs first.
PM: ... but he marked them all as critical
(so that means they aren't an issue? cool, i've been doing this wrong all my life)2 -
"Don't worry I used to be a programmer, I'm a cool project manager"
...Scariest words I've herd in a long time1 -
Anyone out there been fired because their project manager had a personal problem with them and made them unable to complete their work?11
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! Rant
So this project manager from a start up contacted me about a few Jobs are they are looking to get done for their app. They asked for cost and I gave them a ballpark range depending upon the type of work. Anyway, after getting a tour of their over engineered app with 128 menu items for a users to go through to get something done, I gave them the hourly rate on the "higher" side of the ballpark which was $5/hr more than lower. Guess what, next I get an email with 4 huge paragraphs, explaining how I am trying to charge them so much extra and is way over the quote. I passed myself laughing and wished him good luck with their start up... -
What i be like when the project manager insist on estimating a full project instead of working in an agile way...
2 -
YES!! 3 days till deadline and I am in a meeting discussing core descisions that have not been made yt...
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My spouse is my project manager which is ironic since I normally seethe with anger when around project managers. It works though.4
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Day 1 - Monday:
Manager: How far did you go on this project?
Me: I have contacted the PM, and due to lack of data we are putting the project on hold since there is nothing we can work with, we expect to get the data next week. Peter is working on obtaining required data.
Manager: I see, okay.
Day 2 - Tuesday:
Manager: How for did you go on this project?
Believe it or not this happened again on Thursday... fml2 -
boss. "I have a one o'clock meeting" Project Manager "uuuuuh, it's after one" boss: "it's an asynchronous meeting"
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Project Manager: "C++ has become much better for embedded now so we're gonna use it in the new project."
Me: "I didn't C that coming."
I know it's silly but I'm proud of it 🤓 -
Project manager talks like,
Its going to change the entire customer experience.
What actually changed :
Changed the icon of the button, that the customer never uses.
:D -
My project manager, after 11 years of experience.
"What is the svn function replace?"
He used svn for more than 4 years at the very least.3 -
Got added to a really exciting project in the morning by PMO, by the afternoon my manager had pulled me back to work on his boring project. Oh how the turns tables2
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I just got an email from the project manager:
"Hi Team,
Please make sure to review the 7/12 sprint requests for (x project). Please add your estimates even if the requirements are ambiguous. Thank you."3 -
Project Manager (non-technical, can’t code) keeps assigning himself issues in Jira so that “we don’t have any unassigned issues”
It’s so annoying, if you can’t fix any of the problems, don’t pretend to be working on them5 -
In my last sprint planning my Project Manager said: "...Drupal is a programming language, like swift or jquery.."
And my boss wonders why our plannings take so long.
😳🤔😭😭😭😭😭3 -
Due to resource scarcity, my manager Bob had lent me to other manager John. I started working on John's project and now there is a hardcore dependency on me, as I have done good enough work on it. I was also taking some small work items from Bob parallely so I can be up-to-date with my own team, Later Bob calls me and says he wants me back, since my own team has lot of pending tasks. John's project is still unfinished and will take longer then ever. So far, I am dividing my time between the two teams.
My concern is if I pass on John's project, will I even get recognized for it and since John will have no one concrete to work on his project, he will later keep bugging me for help.
And I feel like I don't belong to either of the teams (I am like a step son to both my parents) 😔1 -
"As a Product Manager in this project I need to work with a Front-End Developer so that the front-end side of the project gets developed perfectly"
PM I ♥ you.3 -
A good project manager between the client and the developer can do miracles to productivity on all ends1
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Holy fucking monkey nuts my boss is such a cunt, he is soo damned ignorant, for some who worked in dev for 20 years, to tell another dev that is easy, should only need to change a few keys in order to be able to completely rewrite 6 months worth of work. Poor bastard was soo pissed he finished a whole bottle of whiskey.
I made him work from home today, we not really meant too, because you know, Developer do not do work if their duck dick of a manager is not there watching, and well it makes it a lot harder for him to make rediculously, moronic requests like that over slack.
Part of me was genuinely afraid he would same something equally moronic and said dev would try and kill him, which would put the rest of the office and the awkward position if having to help. Really complicated to cover that up and then get the stories straight and iron out the alibis.1 -
Anyone ever been in the situation where the"Agile Project Manager" is the last agile person in the room2
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Everyone around me is running like crazy to deliver a project on time (the day after tomorrow) and I am sitting quietly trying to reply an e-mail of my project manager in french...
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Anyone else having their imaginary Project manager for your private projects, you do talk to when their are problems with the code?4
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Project manager: "What is a micro service? I'm dating a girl and she mentioned it and I want to impress her."
Me: "Well, you have monolithic services which tend to serve many different functions whereas a micro service tends to serve a single function or a few related functions. They are usually easier to scale and can be optimized to be faster. Still, right tool for the job."
Project manager: "Oh nice! So I can ask her 'Hey, want to see my micro service? It's quick and scalable.'"
-face palm-
He's leaving this week. I'm going to miss him though.
Seriously though, in that context, would scalability mean you're bringing friends?4 -
Acting as a volunteer project manager temporarily at the moment, it angers me that people don't read documentations before they ask questions.1
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My new PM thinks programming is like using Excel to define times and send the price of the work hours to the clients... 😂1
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So, I'm on holiday for a week from Friday. Woo! The plan is to head to a cottage in the middle of nowhere with the wife and the dog and chill the fuck out for a while.
Just found out from my boss that, due to some fucking colossal mismanagement, I have to support a huge release for an architecture rebuild project from 10pm til 8am on Sunday night. While I'm on holiday. In the middle of nowhere.
FML2 -
When you're currently working on a mosule based on Facebook Graph API and the project manager wants you to make it work on Twitter ...2
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"How do I update some content in the CMS?", asked the bewildered Web Project Manager. The Developer snarled "... By clicking the content, changing the text and clicking save!"
3 -
Project manager: Hey tyga hows the project going?
Tyga the coder/rapper:bug city bitch, bug bug city bitch, 10, 10, 10, 20 errors on my terminal bitch1 -
Project manager: "we need someone who isn't busy to work on the database for a few weeks"
*Fullscreen picture of Windows blue screen of death*
Me: "what the fuck bug after bug"
Project manager: "ouch you better work on that ASAP we are behind"
Coworker: -_-
Me: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ -
When a project manager files a bug report:
"does not match the mockup.
See G:///Departments/Digital/...(client name)/(job code)/(project number)/creative/mockups/round 4/final/final 2/final_(date)/final-(date)_v5.psd"2 -
Give me an example of a cool thing your PM/team leader did for your dev team.
Our douche PM got sacked so i need ideas for my fellow dev team 🤓
*chuggs coffe in celebration*2 -
A new project kicked off, where a new feature will be added to our app. The mythical creature called "Project Manager" asked us to take OT's and weekend work to rush and finish it. Aaaare you f*ckin' kiddin' meeee??!2
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Manager: make some AI for this project it is simple.
Me: what are we talking about?
Manager: I want to get a report about any topic in our ERP just by talking to the software.
Me: 😓3 -
Building a Project Manager with Electron.
Does anyone of you has experience with lowbd? If yes, feel free to share!
Image is my messed up first try :P
2 -
Yesterday:Project working fine
Today(When Manager has to see the project) :-The same Project is giving errors... 😭 -
Spending ten minutes waiting for the build manager to figure out which build to give me for the new project I'm on
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Project managers moved all the tickets around and then got mad that we couldn't find them to log our time.
Mass mutiny about logging time in general and expected dev hours per week.
They returned the tickets to the old system at least -
Background: I'm doing a migration from FileMaker to JavaFX
My PM asked me what was going to be the main page of the system and he gave me an ugly option, to which I answered with a dashboard example, so now he wants me to change everything so that our app looks like the one I showed him -
Whenever you feel the need to rant about your project manager, always remember you'd wish you had one if you reported directly to the CEO.3
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That moment when you convince your team's project manager to finally encrypt the config files before comitting them to source control..1
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I have this one project manager who shows up at my desk, following up on his email for which I haven't even received push notification yet
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When you said your Project Manager that you don't have experience with something: "ok, I will tell client that you can help them with that" :/
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Thursday
Project Manager: Reckon we can get a demo/status update tomorrow?
Friday:
*status update*
Project Manager: Alright great
Monday 1pm:
*basically a shit tonne of noise all morning, can't get anything done*
Project Manager: Reckon we can get a status update right now?
*status update*
Project Manager: Alright, reckon you can demo it on Friday?
Me: Uh...
Project Manager: Ok, let's aim for a demo anyway.
Research Lead: Great!
Org Lead: How is everything going?
Me: I don't like how Project Manager micromanages.
Org Lead: Ahhh, yes, but it was me that asked him to manage like this
Me internally:
What's 65 - 28? Oh yeh, 37 more years of this. Is there a way I can kill myself painlessly?10 -
Finding out that the Project Manager and Test Manager are actually in a relationship then spending the rest of the day trying to work out what you said to each of them in confidence
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This illustrates me perfectly, at that moment when i found that the project manager scrapped my updated lines in the deploy.
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Our project manager took a one week vacation. So it is either going to be a very productive or a very stressful week.
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Here to represent project managers.
Who was saying what about us?!
Talk now or forever hold your peace!4 -
Me to 2 other Dev's: Guys can i get your help? This line isn't working.
Dev's check the code. Tries there own things.
Doesn't work.
Dev's: Sorry man, we tried.
Project Manager with no knowledge of programming looks at code.
Project Manager: How are you struggling for so long?(Bitches for like 5 minutes)
Me: *gives her Penance stare*
* Starts laughing loud at the thought of her
dying*
I feel better now1 -
Developer in anger : I'm gonna leave this team and the manager/team will suffer for my loss and the project will fail.
In the meanwhile,
Manager to the senior manager : If one of the developers die or leaves the team, the project deadline extends by 1 month.
Senior manager : Great. -
You are really excited about the new project and then the project manager decided to use subversion, because he's never worked with git...3
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When you're not doing anything until 4pm then suddenly project manager give a task to finish until 5..2
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When your project manager accepts a contract with a client with a hard deadline but the time needed is nearly twice.8
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Project Manager: "You have until x date, but how far off are you from finishing"
Me: "How long is it until x date, there is your answer"
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An ex boss, who is obviously a project / marketing manager, claims he understands code and all, couldn't even edit the text inside a html element. R U SRS?
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In our company most of the PMs do the development. Surprisingly it does with pretty well.
But this PM just asked "how to get rid of spaces in a string"...2 -
Should i push some common sense to some people in the company ????
Both our QA, customer QA, our project manager and their project manager agreed to set a timeout of 400 ms after press interaction to buttons, images or list items, just to show the ripple and fade effects to the user.
I am implementing it, and the application obviously has become much sluggish. They will blame me when they actually see this, because 75 or 100 ms is pretty enough to show any effect and make the app fast enough.
They will want me to change it afterwards, i am completely sure. I wish i was there to emit some common sense to those homo not sapiens.3 -
When the project manager complained about how you are late for the deadline, but the keep on adding on new requirements unrelated to the initial goal. OTL
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Noise cancelling headphones, 0.5 liter thermos mug constantly filled with coffee by the project manager and lock on the office door.4
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Am I missing something, or is a project manager just supposed to ask stupid questions and not aid the project in any way?4
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Is it legal that the day you're out for license, the project manager change your password and enter your email?6
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Hey devRant,
What are your tips for delegating jobs as a project manager for a relatively inexperienced team?2 -
When the project manager decides to change the ux of a project with out informing you and your half way through with original requirements.
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Anyone else have a manager who absolutely LOVES to "derail you" and then says "sorry I don't mean to derail you but can you work on..." I swear tired of working for another person
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That feeling when you know your project manager is going to ask for something that they said wouldn't be a thing...2
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I was the project manager of project for some customer. Everything was fine until some day the customer discovered a Bug in the project.
So I opened the class there the Bug was located and i saw that my co-workers named variables like cheesecake and other
different cakeversions.
That time i learned never trust someone as a project manager. -
Explain why a feature or request is a shite idea to your manager but don't accept 'well that's what the client wants' as an answer. Insist the useless manager twat should earn his money and not ruin the project.
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Manager took too long to decide how he wants the new project.
- Estimate time for this project: 3 months
- Time I have to do it, 1 month.
YAY!! -
Being a development project manager is laughing at developer jokes with developers and then laughing at the developers with the business folks4
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Remember that your Product Manager, Project Manager, etc are not your friend. They are coworkers first and friend second if you classify them as that. Learned that the hard way the other day.2
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How many developers does it take to install a white board...
3, and 1 QA, 1 designer, 1 project manager and 3 attempts...9 -
When the project manager gives you a specification and a deadline at the same time...and nobody has been consulted...
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True story: We had once a project where the manager tells the client we are using the Waterfall but internally the devs are actually doing Agile. >_<1
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Okay. Four work days remaining this week, but still six days worth of work. My project manager sucks at maths.3
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“so i know you folks are up against it with this deadline, but i made a burndown chart i’d like to go through” - every project manager
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There's nothing like that feeling on your face...
When you get a new project...and you've been writing project requirements & scope docs for 20 hours...
As you somber towards bed...what is that tickle on my cheek? Oh. Just eye blood.
That's a morning-me problem.3 -
Finally finished that project causing me so much head ache. manager has been asking me too much for the pass 2 weeks, now I am free from that project.3
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~16 hours. It was during the start of my career. Like every other project manager, mine had also made an unrealistic plan for the project I was on.
10/10 wouldn’t agree to work like that again. -
Today's discussion in the videoconference: programming with a framework vs. programming without a framework
At the end the project manager decided to start a new project programming without a framework because he don't know how to program with a framework1 -
So we were in the meeting with the Project Manager, designers, me and other developers, and the Boss to see what's the current status in the project that we are doing. It started all good because the Project Manager is doing all the talking about the project and the boss liked it. Everything is going smoothly. Then at the end, he said something that we didn't expected.
Project Manager: "Sir, the project will be ready this week."
Boss: "Good."
And our world just stopped from spinning around.1 -
Just been casually asked to come up with ways to generate more digital revenue for the company - it’s a newspaper.
As a dev I can map out some solutions and work through most problems, but this is huge! Where do people even start with such a overwhelming challenge???!!!
One things for sure, less bloody display advertising would be my first thought, gotta’ be more innovative!
Any advice?!
1 -
I think I might become a project manager or a BA. No one ever considers asking them to code. If you're the dev lead though...2
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Back when rickrolling had hit critical mass - we decided to play a trick on a very fussy project manager. Long story short we embedded a very important message from the CEO of the company on a staging site. Said project manager was taken aback when Rick Astley took over the video.
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When your manager moves the deadline of your project from the end of the year, to the end of October.2
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Three meetings a week imposed by "manager" to keep the project on pace...
10m before the last three meetings (everyone from the meeting via email): "Skip it? No updates here"
...I think we need a "project manager" -
That moment when your project manager tells you he never heard of a technology, then gives you his old project to redo using that tech....
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I started working with Luigi, the workflow manager for a data-science project. Any input on how to test the Tasks or how does it compare to Airflow?
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When did you see your project manager making that face the last time? Me, not that long time ago... :D
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This currently project I'm working on is taking a turn for the worse. I keep finding missing features from the designs, but then also the project manager remembered that there were these other requirements that were needed. She only remembered after I raised an issue about another problem because NOTHING has been written down. A wireframe is NOT a fucking requirements document.
So now I have to refactor 2 major components just to include this sudden new requirement. I really hope I don't work with this project manager ever again on any future projects. -
Project manager, knows nothing/little about the project... Always sends new features to be added only to be removed 1hr later 😣😣, you have experienced nothing until you work under 1
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My project manager won't allow me to add webpack as a dependency but is okay with using SASS. Does this make sense?
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The Project Manager changed the project from scope driven to date driven with the teams giving him only t-shirt sizing estimates. Wish us luck...
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Client: Are we getting the finished site next Monday?
Supervisor: no it should be the week after, that's the date I have on our dev schedule.
1st week into the project, we pointed out the PM messed up the project end date (he took beginning of the final week instead of the end of week) and apparently he(& CEO) didn't bother to inform the client about the mistake.
WTF PM you f-ed up every single project since joining the company -
Only just got around to listing to the devRant podcast #1 this morning. DHH is a little potty mouth 🙃
Excellent content none the less! I kind of agree on DHH's stance on project managers.
On a side note, what other podcasts do you guys listen to? I quite like most of the content from jupiter broadcasting. LAS and Coder Radio specifically. -
Side projects and I'm kinda bookworm. Now I'm reading about ITIL. I'm project manager wananbe :-D. If you have some nice book about project management let me know in comments. There is never enough informations to learn.
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I hate the acronym "UX" and "sexy UX" is creepy especially when said by a project manager that heard it at a conference last week.1
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My work just hired a project manager intern. With no one to work under. To be an actual project manager.
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Can't decide who I hate the most... the sales guy or the project manager. Both make my job impossible!
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I'm a jnr who has worked in 2 projects. In the first the project manager was aweful. On the second the project manager was brilliant. Starting my 3rd project and this time there won't be a PM. Should I be happy?1
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