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A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!"3
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A man goes inside a pet shop and starts to move around the cages to scout the pets. He sees a monkey with a price of 5000$ and goes to the merchant to ask for details. Hey mister, the monkey…what does it know to worth that much money? Well, it knows Windows 95, 98, 2000, and also knows Word, C++, Visual Basic and last but not least, it knows how to play computer games. - Good monkey, it's worth the money. He goes and finds another monkey with a price of 10000$ and again he will ask the merchant. "What does this monkey know?" "It knows Linux, Unix, Corel and Autocad." "Nice, even I don't know those things." On a last scout run he finds another monkey just sitting there with a price 20000$. The story repeats, and he goes with a lack of confidence to ask the merchant for details. "And what does this monkey do for that ridiculous amount of money?" "I never saw her doing anything, but the other two call her Project Manager!"4
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Project manager logic, explained with babies.
9 women can have 9 babies in 9 month. We only need one baby.
Deadline is one month!10 -
Project Manager: You used a hash/salt to encrypt the password in our customer database?
Me: Yes.
Project Manager: That's mean we will not be able to see the password?
Me: That's the whole point. Why would you want to see what password customer is choosing?
Project Manager: Change it. Use random encryption method.9 -
Manager: so how long will feature A take?
Me: about a week.
Manager: and feature B?
Me: also a week.
Manager: how about C?
Me: another week
Manager: great! then we can finish the project in a week!
THAT'S NOT HOW MATH WORKS9 -
Manager: Give me an estimate for this project.
Me: It will take end to end approx two months.
Manager: Can you do it in a day. Make some magic happen. This is high critical for business.
Me: Sure. I have a small requirement from you to achieve it.
Manager: What
Me: Please get me the 'Limitless' capsule.9 -
Project manager: how was the day?
Me: wrote a few lines of code
Me: ran the code
Me: full of errors
Me: I cried8 -
FUCKING PROJECT MANAGERS.
FOR THE LAST TIME, YOUR ALTERNATIVE IS UNUSABLE As explained the original proposal, and in comments THAT YOU FUCKING REPLIED TO AND AGREED WITH, the thing you want to use WILL NOT WORK. WHY ARE YOU SUGGESTING IT AGAIN?
FUCK YOU, YOU HAIRY-ARSED TWERP.
Also, dfox can we please have fucking anonymous rants!10 -
Our project manager who also happens to be our web designer... (Start Up)
Project Manager: We have a go signal. Go convert this design to html and css. And make it responsive.
Me: Can you forward me the mail so I can check if it's actually approved?
Project Manager: Just do it.
Me: (After tweaking) There. It's done.
Project Manager: They want to change all the layout of the site. We're gonna do it from scratch. They didn't like the design.
Me: What? I thought your design was approved?
Project Manager: I thought so too. But i'm your PM so get back to work.
There was no mail from the client.7 -
"The client has no idea what they want, just throw your best guess out there and let's see what they say" -- best project manager in the world2
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Manager: We really need to save money with this project, so nobody call tech support for anything.
Me: There's this open-source solution that would work great.
Manager: Bad idea! There's no tech support number to call.
Me: ...4 -
Manager Logic: The project is behind, we have brought on additional managers to satisfy the client. 😲 The fuck is a manager going to do? "Meetings! We need more meetings to ensure the deadline is met."2
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Q: WHO THE FUCK USES EXCEL FOR PROJECT MANAGEMENT?
A: My Product Manager
Excel because she cant wrap her head around using Trello. WHAT THE FUCK!
Some people exist just to make things more difficult for everyone else. Fucking pain in the ass.
This person is one of the most incompetent one I have ever met.
I dont have enough words to express my rage right now.13 -
QA: When I open the app I get this strange error message that includes "No data connection could be established" near the start of it.
Me: I'll clean up how thats displayed, but the error means your phone doesn't have internet connection.
QA: No that can't be it, I do.
Me: You screenshot shows no WiFi or 3g / 4g symbols.
QA: No those are never there, please investigate.
Me: I have investigated and found that every other one of your screenshots had a WiFi or a 3g symbol. Example: <link>. Please check your connection and try again, i'll clean up the error display.
PM: Oh i've had an issue something like this before. We really need to show users an error screen. We can't just leave them on this screen with no error message at all.
Me: ... we have an error, thats what QA is complaining about, its not loading the text and displaying the error object.
Anyone else want to not pay attention and complain about something else that doesn't make sense? ... no? ... ok good, back to work then9 -
Manager: We are now using libraries for everything. I estimate based on nothing that this will increase productivity x20.
*Project grinds to a halt while devs scramble to learn/implement new library*
General Manager: Where was the productivity increase?
Manager: Our devs are not willing to learn new things quickly4 -
I love companies that only use titles like 'Analyst'. Then, they can make you work as a developer, business analyst, tester, help desk, or project manager and there's no way you can ask for a raise or promotion6
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Project manager: We have 13weeks for this project. We have promised the client.
Me: okay, why wasnt I consulted on that commitment?
Project Manager: yeah.... we have to do it
Me: okay, if we have 2 dedicated backend and one full time frontend - ONLY on this project.
Project manager: (with the face of lies) yes yes sure we can do that.
6 weeks later, after continuous interruptions. Frontend is behind because he was only on the project to an amount of 2 weeks of the 6 weeks.
Project manager: Are we still on time?
Me: *looks around for prank cameras* no the f#*k we not
Project manager: can we put in weekends?
Me: its 2019 bro, that ain't happening
*But because I am a nice guy, and dont like taking Ls, we will have it ready. Just not gonna tell the project manager, he deserves a few sleepless nights *7 -
[14 dependencies]
"Geez this project has a lot of dependencies. I know, I should use a package manager!"
[15 dependencies]4 -
When project manager is talking about things that I have no idea but I just keep saying "Yes, I can do it"
1 -
Development team of two, small company. Project manager is a fucking carpenter. With zero programming experience. also he's also the IT manager. FML.
8 -
That moment when you listen to your boss' lies to a client when presenting a new product/feature.
I am like: damn, this guy is a talented actor!3 -
Project manager: I see you all are running behind schedule. Let me add some more people to....
All(in unison): NOOOOO
#TrueStory1 -
When you learn your project will be launched Monday in an email sent to the whole company, just before the weekend...
I'm not even kidding. No one on our team was consulted if the app was ready or not.
There was no infrastructure in place to even deploy the app. Everything had to be done in a hurry over the weekend to deploy something half baked, thanks to that idiot project manager who told his boss everything was ready.
Two colleagues ended up doing this work over the weekend, but looking back, if I was the one having to get something deployed over the weekend, I would have just refused and come back to work as usual on Monday and watch that idiot explain why it's not live. -
Today on "I'm Not Crazy, I'm Just a Burnt Out Dev".
Project Manager: "What day would prefer to demo your work?"
Me: "Tomorrow or Wednesday"
Project Manager: "Tomorrow is Wednesday"
Me: "O"
Project Manager: "O"
Me: 🤝
Project Manager: 🤝
Anyone else having problems remembering which day of the week it is? 😂😂5 -
What the PMs always say: Always be thinking of ways to improve our system.
Me: Hey this is really poorly built. We should rebuild it before moving forward.
PMs: No just use the same code we used before. It was working so we don't need to rebuild it.4 -
Ah, new feature submission to app store day.
- Tests passing = check!
- App built = check!
- App manually tested = check!
- App store content = check!
- Boilerplate answers to the same 6 questions from PM, every time we go through this = check!
Ready to go baby!! -
That moment when your marketing manager makes technology decisions for your project and says "let's just use WordPress" ...
3 -
Fuck our new project manager.
Literally all she does in her time is schedule meetings for others and send us emails stating that X needs to be done by date or why are we delayed with Y. Then she even manages to completely screw us with the meetings she schedules.
Today I woke up to seeing a beautiful gapless column of colorful rectangles in my dairy.... for today. And last time I saw this Monday it only had 2.5 hours of meetings!!
Now a lot of us from our team had the Friday afternoon off so it may be that she did this beautiful piece of artwork during that time, in which case she could somewhat rightfully say that we should have taken a look at it. But we actually have a convention to only schedule planning meetings for Mondays which these fucking aren't and even if she hadn't known this, who the fuck schedules a ton of meetings to Monday?! from a Friday afternoon?!?!
By the way the new pretty pink and orange meetings I have today are about actually important topics in between which I would normally appreciate to grab a tea or at least use the fucking restroom. Officially I only have a 45 minute lunch break all day.
Oh and naturally she sets up the meetings as organiser so that we can only suggest her new times and can't change it on our own.
But naturally PM lady never actually attends the meetings because she wouldn't understand shit. So when my fav female colleague, Sammy and I joined our 11am meeting, the first thing Sammy said - well after I greeted her by "wtf" - is to just leave the call on while we grab brunch.
So here I am sitting in the close by park with my brunch and thought I could use the now extended lunch break time efficiently by ranting my ass of and asking you guys why the fuck such people like our PM get paid.5 -
Got an email earlier this week. It went something like this:
"It looks like your team still hasn't delivered the logging and monitoring solution that we asked for. Can you get it done in time for our production deployment next Friday?"
Um, wait, excuse me, WHAT?
1. You never actually asked for the thing you claim we didn't deliver. In fact, when we brought up the fact that you should probably have some monitoring set up for your servers, you said it would be handled entirely by your own team.
2. I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON THIS PROJECT FOR SIX MONTHS WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOUR DEADLINE UNTIL NOW
3. I won't even have time to start working on this until the Monday after your prod deployment date. Sorrynotsorry.
I really shouldn't be surprised though. This project has been a clusterfuck from the very beginning so this is just par for the course.2 -
I just asked the project manager if I could go home early because I'm feeling down.
How can I ever quit after she sympathetically said yes?3 -
"Don't worry about pagination, we can just send the whole database to the front-end" ~ My Boss, being serious AF.
Worst of all, he has worked in system development for 20 years, he is not meant to be this stupid.6 -
I'd post my wk200 goals, but my project manager is still busy gathering requirements for it and creating the epics.1
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Use the choices below to describe your Project Manager. No. you can't choose multiple it would be rude.
4 -
Our PM hears us talking about git repos, and responds by referring to it as, "get," as if she was correcting our bad pronunciation.8
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*during project development, we use a library as core of tye app*
Manager: We need to add feature X.
Me: The library developer announced that this feature is not supported.
Manager: why is that?
Me: *giving some tech explanation*
Manager: ok, but still we need it urgently, we told the client we already have it.
Just a simple day on my work9 -
When you're deep into coding and every 15 mins a project manager taps you on the shoulder to see how it's going.2
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I inadvertently stuck my middle finger up at a project manager today when I meant to put my thumb up... whoops.6
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Manager 1: "We're going to hold a small meeting because of a new project."
Me: "Okay, cool. What project is it about?"
Manager 1: "Project X".
ME: "Right. What's the domain name?"
Manager 2: "Well there's this design but it's entirely made up. Just a concept."
Manager 1: "Wait, there's no more toner."
Manager 1 and 2 take 20 minutes to fix the printer, so manager 1 can print out an e-mail. They both return to their seats. No meeting happens. I roll a smoke and go outside to flip through LinkedIn for the nth time this week.3 -
Took a bit of time, but yesterday I sent in my resignation letter, long and some wat detailed list of grievances against the guy running the project.
Gonna suck to leave the team, but working for that man was tantamount to torture.
He actually gave me a lecture on Monday for not forcing my team to work unesesarry over time, because he can do nothing but make changes. I was also trouble for not doing his job and not treating my team like shit, as he does. According to him, forced overtime, disrespect are just the way leadership is.8 -
Project manager asks why server is down. Reminded him that his team lead told me three months ago it was no longer needed.
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Project Manager comments on all my on-going tickets "any updates?"
And the project manager gets awarded "most productive"
While the tickets I've been assigned can't be closed in just a day
smh4 -
A project manager is someone who believes that if he/she joins 9 pregnant women they'll have a child in 1 month1
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Me: "Of course it's technically possible. The problem here is that this would make the UX very confusing"
Project Manager: "So, when will it be done?"2 -
My project manager said. “Hey MillenialDev, I’ll see you as my equal when you have same experience as me”. I resigned following week.1
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When you start a new job the same week the project manager is out of town and you haven't been onboarded yet.
3 -
Shit Project Managers say.. to my coworker when I'm not there :
"Hey do you think she's working hard enough ?..I don't know, she has only made 2 commits in the past week so.. "
Fortunately my coworker defended me and told me after but yeah.. As if you could measure efforts and work in development by counting lines of code, fuck-tard.5 -
When your team's hard work receive such a mail from the client and still your Project Manager treats you like shit :|
A little back story
Me (hybrid app guy), backend (php api) guy and ui guy (html-css) worked fuckin day and night, to chase the fuckin less than 10 days deadline for this App
We hard to create the App for all 4 platforms including win mobile and blackberry (god bless UI guy and me :|) ~ 2013
Those were the coolest days of our lives , we had a super blast - working (slogging) + drinking + just having fun cursing + not giving fuck to anything and anyone + more drinking..
Cool thing is, our client was in an impression that full backend and front end TEAM is working on this App 😀
This mail still makes us laugh
"professional team" 😁😂
Unfortunately I got paid only half of the salary for next month and left the company shortly
(because official company timing was from 10:00 AM or else half day paycut and I am a night guy, I used to come at around 12:00 noon)
3 -
I've just finished my last day at work... I'm switching from being a 100% PM (almost 3 years) to being a 100% backend machine!
God, how I hated that job...8 -
Oxford Dicktionary: A Project Manager is simply a person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.
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A previous project manager thought that by marking every ticket as high priority, they would get done faster.
// priorities1 -
My PM is a glorified Q&A tester. Has never coded in his life and refuses to use jira or slack. He basically emails me a word document (because he refuses to use google docs) with all his "so-called bugs' errors. I dare you to tell me of a worse PM.1
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That wonderful first thing in the morning meeting where your PM who has zero coding experience wants to try to critique your already working code... 🙄"I think you forgot a semicolon here..."5
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On my project the customer has re-signed into a contract several times when they have budget to continue work. The first time they got us to build the system was a huge success story because the team was assembled quickly and we did rapid development. Initialize repo to prod in 1.5 months. The customer asked for the same dev team. Strong dev team, a PM that doesn't take shit, and pure agile. Lets call her don't-take-shit PM.
When the customer re-signed the executive decided that she didn't like don't-take-shit PM. So the project manager gets replaced by play-by-the-rules PM who will comply with stupid requests and micromanagement. He isn't a bad PM but he tries to make everyone happy. The amount of management types executive installs on the project is massive, and development team is cut down in major ways. Customer and executive shit rolls down to the development team and we can't get anything done. The customer starts to lose faith because we can't get traction. They start demanding traditional waterfall/SDLC docs. Which causes more delay in the project.
So the executive decides that the PM can take a fall for it to save face for the company. She moves play-by-the-rules PM to another project. He starts handover to a new PM that has a history of being her pushover. The customer hadn't seen him yet so now we have push-over PM.
Play-by-the-rules PM is finally out of the project and instead of moving to a different account the company decides to "lay him off because there is no work". So basically they made him take the fall for the failure while promising reassignment, and instead let him go. This is so unfair..
Meeting with push-over PM yesterday and he shows us his plan. Identical to play-by-the-rules PM's plan that got him axed.We point that out and show him the docs that were made for it. His face clearly communicates "OH SHIT WHAT DID I SIGN UP FOR?"1 -
when a project manager asks for an effort calculation due to changed requirements, but the calculation itself takes longer than the implementation would...
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When the project manager (who knows nothing about code) tells me how to structure HTML markup. No, please, tell me how to do my job.1
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"I don't care if it's world class in the back end! It has to look pretty. The back end can be hanging by a thread for all I care, front end is what the customer buys!", The Almighty Project Manager
Yeah...thanks...that's why loading a table is taking 3 minutes and 'v2' in an entire Refactoring of the back end. When deadline comes, read quote above to get a glimpse at the future.3 -
My manager asked me to have colleagues outside engineering dept test an interface for a personal project in order to get the best feedback on UI/X
-
Did you say "go to hell" to your project manager?
No, i would not use gogo.
So what's it with you and him?
I think he implements IDisposable.3 -
Before starting sprint we gave estimations, while discuss with my team, my project manager also part of the meeting. After three weeks my project manager start give list of tasks like this is API and this is front end and also estimations based on our previous sprint plan.
We pissed off. After that we never include our manager in technical meeting.
FYI - If you're using Google sheets for ball park estimations never give permission to your project manager to edit sheet.2 -
i want you to make zoom available in this bootstrap fancybox , but it should work perfectly in IE , tv, phones, bilboards , fridges, and microwaves...1
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Project manager, who i've complained in the past is neglecting critical things that he doesn't want to do, decided today to cancel our weekly planning meeting, to have the below conversation with me 1:1. Its very long, but anyone who has the will to get through it ... please tell me it's not just me. I'm so bewildered and angry.
Side note: His solution to the planning meeting not taking place ... to just not have one and asked everyone to figure it out themselves offline, with no guidance on priorities.
Conversation:
PM: I need to talk to you about some of phrasing you use during collaboration. It's coming across slightly offensive, or angry or something like that.
Me: ok, can you give me an example?
PM: The ticket I opened yesterday, where you closed it with a comment something along the lines of "as discussed several times before, this is an issue with library X, can't be fixed until Y ...".
"As discussed several times" comes across aggressive.
Me: Ok, fair enough, I get quite frustrated when we are under a crunch, working long hours, and I have to keep debugging or responding to the same tickets over and over. I mean, like we do need to solve this problem, I don't think its fair that we just keep ignoring this.
PM: See this is the problem, you never told me.
Me: ... told you what?
PM: That this is a known issue and not to test it.
Me: ..... i'm sorry ..... I did, that was the comment, this is the 4th ticket i've closed about it.
PM: Right but when you sent me this app, you never said "don't test this".
Me: But I told you that, the last 3 times that it won't be in until feature X, which you know is next month.
PM: No, you need to tell me on each internal release what not to test.
Me: But we release multiple times per week internally. Do you really need me to write a big list of "still broken, still broken, still broken, still broken"?
PM: Yes, how else will I know?
Me: This is documented, the last QA contractor we had work for us, wrote a lot of this down. Its in other tickets that are still open, or notes on test cases etc. You were tagged in all of these too. Can you not read those? and not test them unless I say I've fixed them?
PM: No, i'm only filling for QA until we hire a full time. Thats QA's job to read those and maintain those documents.
Me: So you want me to document for you every single release, whats already documented in a different place?
PM: ok we'll come back to this. Speaking of hiring QA. You left a comment on the excel spreadsheet questioning my decision, publicly, thats not ok.
Me: When I asked why my top pick was rejected?
PM: Yes. Its great that you are involved in this, but I have to work closely with this person and I said no, is that not enough?
Me: Well you asked me to participate, reviewing resumes's and interviewing people. And I also have to work extremely close with this person.
PM: Are you doubting my ability to interview or filter people?
Me: ..... well a little bit yeah. You asked me to interview your top pick after you interviewed her and thought she was great. She was very under qualified. And the second resume you picked was missing 50% of the requirements we asked for ... given those two didn't go well, I do think its fair to ask why my top pick was rejected? ... even just to know the reason?
PM: Could you not have asked publicly? face to face?
Me: you tagged me on a google sheet, asking me to review a resume, and rather than tag you back on 2 rows below ... you want me to wait 4 days to ask you at our next face to face? (which you just cancelled for this meeting)
PM: That would have been more appropriate
Me: ..... i'm sorry, i don't want to be rude but thats ridiculous and very nit pick-y. You asked my opinion on one row, I asked yours on another. To say theres anything wrong with that is ridiculous
PM: Well we are going to call another team meeting and discuss all this face to face then, because this isn't working. We need to jump to this other call now, lets leave it here.5 -
"How many time do you need to close this task?"
"Mmh I guess 3 days and half"
"Ow..the delivery is this evening, is that a problem?"
Dude. Seriously, what the fuck!2 -
The company hired a Senior Project Manager (SPM) and two months in we had the following conversation:
SPM: Hey, go talk to the project stakeholders and get the requirements for the project.
Me: Uhm, isn't the PM supposed to go and gather the requirements?
SPM: I'll go check with the stakeholders. We don't have a PM :)
Me: You are the SPM... Which is the same thing?
SPM: hmmm... I'll go ask them and get back to you.
GFG, you've been here for two months, are supposed to be a senior with many years under your belt as a PM and yet know nothing about your job. You don't even know that you're a PM. -
Colleague: looks perfect
Project manager: make it a little better
Client: I don't care. Just show me the godamn data!2 -
For productivity I get to work at 5:30 and code until 8:30 before I open my emails for the first time. That's when my real job starts as a Project Manager (in the throes of teaching himself to code at age 37)3
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Of course I can change someone else's code to do something totally different, understand it and all within an hour of your call... on a Sunday morning! 😠
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Becoming a Project Manager, I've always liked to manage projects and teams. But first of, graduate. Then climb the ladder7
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When a project manager has 'fixes' written on paper and wants to sit with you while you make them.1
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Project Manager: I want you to work faster and make the performance faster. No excuses
Specs: potato pc9 -
Why invite me to a 3 hour meeting where my old manager just pretends I don't exist and is trying to push me out of the project completely?
He's just bitter because I asked my new manager advice because he was too busy trying to get a new job at a different company.. rather than being my manager. -
really fucking hate those PM types who will hear a smart sounding term or buzzword used by a developer, and then proceed to overuse it (mostly incorrectly) in every fucking conversation as if it's le mot du jour.
or better yet, when the fucking parrot proceeds to drive a meeting with PO's by regurgitating verbatim your explanation you gave to him 2 hours before as if he knows that the fuck he's talking about. oh but when someone asks a question for clarification - "hey dev, you wanna take this one?"
hey PM, you wanna lick my balls?5 -
We are forced to work on weekends because the management and the project manager loves to kiss the ass of our clients. I was even scolded by working from home.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
ITS NOT FUCKING FAIR THAT WE HAVE TO SUFFER AND SHOULDER THEIR INCOMPETENCE IN MANAGING THIS FUCKING PROJECT.
Damnit. God Damnit.5 -
That moment when your project manager says to the client "That is clearly possible". After that he asks you if that is in fact possible to do, you say: "is possible with major limitations" and then he understand they screwed up but in the end the one that is screwed up is you.1
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When you debug a project on someone else's computer, and then commit push, and the manager tells you that you dont have enough commits . Fuck it.2
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I remember at a company that I was working as a Drupal developer, I had finished building a website (both designed and developed it) using Drupal 7. I was very satisfied with the result and the way the company was operating, I had to show it to the project manager and he would say if it was OK to show it to the boss and then I would contact the client to say that we are finished.
When I showed it to the PM, he provided some changes from his personal "I know everything" book and after I made them, we both went to the boss' office. Keep in mind that I had built the website following the clients notes and preferences (custom sliders, certain color swatches etc.) and I was on point.
So, after we entered the office, we sat and I was pumped to hear good news. But, not a minute passed since the page loaded and the boss was clearly unhappy with the result, and more specifically with the changes that the PM provided (not even my fault). When he finished talking, I tried to explain that I followed exactly what the client said and executed accordingly, without the changes that the PM had put on the table. Suddenly, the boss' face was angered and turning red(ish). He started shouting at me and saying that I was not experienced enough to know what I am saying (I was 21 years old at the time), and that they had the experience to criticize if the website was ready or not and if the client would like it, pointing out that I wasn't capable of knowing what the client needed.
I was bursting in my chest, I felt a fire burning with anger and righteousness, but I turned my face down and apologized. It SUCKED! It felt SO bad. I took the notes that he said (which changed 90% of the website's design) and after that I called the client.
I felt some kind of vengeance when the client started shouting at the PM, when he saw the website. He yelled and said that, the design that the boss chose, was not remotely close to what the client had requested.
Next day after I finished the website with the design I had provided, the boss was looking at me like a (proud) wet cat, saying 'well done' but not another word, while entering his office.
Well, at least the client was happy at the end! That's all that matters, right?4 -
you know you are in some deep shit when project manager asks for username and password on dev environment
... and as bonus: IE is his default browser -
// PSA //
Please everybody, go to your Project/Product Manager, Product Owner or whoever thinks it is a good idea to sacrify the usability and speed of the software/product for sake of faster updates, solutions that are easier/simpler to develop and implement, or new features not even the users itself could think of. Thanks.2 -
Minimum resolution supported on the project is 1280px
Learn that Product Manager is selling it as responsive
*sigh
2 -
when your project manager makes you redo the same tickets over and over because she keeps messing up her usability tests
-
Project Manager logic (the best kind).
PM: Here are a list of the tickets we need to address next.
Architect: Hang on, didn't X raise a number of critical bugs yesterday? They were serious, we need to fix the critical bugs first.
PM: ... but he marked them all as critical
(so that means they aren't an issue? cool, i've been doing this wrong all my life)2 -
! Rant
So this project manager from a start up contacted me about a few Jobs are they are looking to get done for their app. They asked for cost and I gave them a ballpark range depending upon the type of work. Anyway, after getting a tour of their over engineered app with 128 menu items for a users to go through to get something done, I gave them the hourly rate on the "higher" side of the ballpark which was $5/hr more than lower. Guess what, next I get an email with 4 huge paragraphs, explaining how I am trying to charge them so much extra and is way over the quote. I passed myself laughing and wished him good luck with their start up... -
My project manager decided to go full micromanager today. So members of the team have been emailing our manager and the PMs manager to explain why what he's doing is bad both for our deliverables and our moral1
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"Don't worry I used to be a programmer, I'm a cool project manager"
...Scariest words I've herd in a long time1 -
A bad PM looks at every project in the last 6 months noticing how they are each far over their estimated time, angrily asks why each is so far over and then continues to self quote development jobs.1
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PM: Heyy team x, could we have a suuper quick 90 sec tops call?
B*tch, if the call is actually 1.5m there is no way we need that call. We can actually respond to your question in text quicker.
But I know you. You can't fool me that it would actually be 90 seconds.
It's also fucking Friday afternoon.
fml2 -
What i be like when the project manager insist on estimating a full project instead of working in an agile way...
2 -
I just got an email from the project manager:
"Hi Team,
Please make sure to review the 7/12 sprint requests for (x project). Please add your estimates even if the requirements are ambiguous. Thank you."3 -
Project manager talks like,
Its going to change the entire customer experience.
What actually changed :
Changed the icon of the button, that the customer never uses.
:D -
Got added to a really exciting project in the morning by PMO, by the afternoon my manager had pulled me back to work on his boring project. Oh how the turns tables2
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My spouse is my project manager which is ironic since I normally seethe with anger when around project managers. It works though.4
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In my last sprint planning my Project Manager said: "...Drupal is a programming language, like swift or jquery.."
And my boss wonders why our plannings take so long.
😳🤔😭😭😭😭😭3 -
My project manager, after 11 years of experience.
"What is the svn function replace?"
He used svn for more than 4 years at the very least.3 -
Anyone out there been fired because their project manager had a personal problem with them and made them unable to complete their work?11
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YES!! 3 days till deadline and I am in a meeting discussing core descisions that have not been made yt...
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Anyone else having their imaginary Project manager for your private projects, you do talk to when their are problems with the code?4
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Day 1 - Monday:
Manager: How far did you go on this project?
Me: I have contacted the PM, and due to lack of data we are putting the project on hold since there is nothing we can work with, we expect to get the data next week. Peter is working on obtaining required data.
Manager: I see, okay.
Day 2 - Tuesday:
Manager: How for did you go on this project?
Believe it or not this happened again on Thursday... fml2 -
Due to resource scarcity, my manager Bob had lent me to other manager John. I started working on John's project and now there is a hardcore dependency on me, as I have done good enough work on it. I was also taking some small work items from Bob parallely so I can be up-to-date with my own team, Later Bob calls me and says he wants me back, since my own team has lot of pending tasks. John's project is still unfinished and will take longer then ever. So far, I am dividing my time between the two teams.
My concern is if I pass on John's project, will I even get recognized for it and since John will have no one concrete to work on his project, he will later keep bugging me for help.
And I feel like I don't belong to either of the teams (I am like a step son to both my parents) 😔1 -
Holy fucking monkey nuts my boss is such a cunt, he is soo damned ignorant, for some who worked in dev for 20 years, to tell another dev that is easy, should only need to change a few keys in order to be able to completely rewrite 6 months worth of work. Poor bastard was soo pissed he finished a whole bottle of whiskey.
I made him work from home today, we not really meant too, because you know, Developer do not do work if their duck dick of a manager is not there watching, and well it makes it a lot harder for him to make rediculously, moronic requests like that over slack.
Part of me was genuinely afraid he would same something equally moronic and said dev would try and kill him, which would put the rest of the office and the awkward position if having to help. Really complicated to cover that up and then get the stories straight and iron out the alibis.1 -
Acting as a volunteer project manager temporarily at the moment, it angers me that people don't read documentations before they ask questions.1
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When you're currently working on a mosule based on Facebook Graph API and the project manager wants you to make it work on Twitter ...2
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"How do I update some content in the CMS?", asked the bewildered Web Project Manager. The Developer snarled "... By clicking the content, changing the text and clicking save!"
3 -
Anyone ever been in the situation where the"Agile Project Manager" is the last agile person in the room2
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boss. "I have a one o'clock meeting" Project Manager "uuuuuh, it's after one" boss: "it's an asynchronous meeting"
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A good project manager between the client and the developer can do miracles to productivity on all ends1
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My new PM thinks programming is like using Excel to define times and send the price of the work hours to the clients... 😂1
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"As a Product Manager in this project I need to work with a Front-End Developer so that the front-end side of the project gets developed perfectly"
PM I ♥ you.3 -
Dear PM: In the next couple weeks, I'm going to be taking sprint tasks on 4 teams instead of the usual 1 team. I'm concerned that I'll be too divided to deliver on any of them well.
Dear Dev: Should be fine, since you don't have to do those tasks all at the same time. It's like . . . you don't have to commute to the office and do your job at the same time.4 -
Project manager: "What is a micro service? I'm dating a girl and she mentioned it and I want to impress her."
Me: "Well, you have monolithic services which tend to serve many different functions whereas a micro service tends to serve a single function or a few related functions. They are usually easier to scale and can be optimized to be faster. Still, right tool for the job."
Project manager: "Oh nice! So I can ask her 'Hey, want to see my micro service? It's quick and scalable.'"
-face palm-
He's leaving this week. I'm going to miss him though.
Seriously though, in that context, would scalability mean you're bringing friends?4 -
Spending ten minutes waiting for the build manager to figure out which build to give me for the new project I'm on
-
Building a Project Manager with Electron.
Does anyone of you has experience with lowbd? If yes, feel free to share!
Image is my messed up first try :P
2 -
A new project kicked off, where a new feature will be added to our app. The mythical creature called "Project Manager" asked us to take OT's and weekend work to rush and finish it. Aaaare you f*ckin' kiddin' meeee??!2
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Manager: make some AI for this project it is simple.
Me: what are we talking about?
Manager: I want to get a report about any topic in our ERP just by talking to the software.
Me: 😓3 -
Whenever you feel the need to rant about your project manager, always remember you'd wish you had one if you reported directly to the CEO.3
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Project manager: Hey tyga hows the project going?
Tyga the coder/rapper:bug city bitch, bug bug city bitch, 10, 10, 10, 20 errors on my terminal bitch1 -
That moment when you convince your team's project manager to finally encrypt the config files before comitting them to source control..1
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When a project manager files a bug report:
"does not match the mockup.
See G:///Departments/Digital/...(client name)/(job code)/(project number)/creative/mockups/round 4/final/final 2/final_(date)/final-(date)_v5.psd"2 -
Yesterday:Project working fine
Today(When Manager has to see the project) :-The same Project is giving errors... 😭 -
Give me an example of a cool thing your PM/team leader did for your dev team.
Our douche PM got sacked so i need ideas for my fellow dev team 🤓
*chuggs coffe in celebration*2 -
Question for those that worked alone with a project manager, and were you covered multiple parts, frontend, backend, mobile and you basically have good friendship with the project owner/manager but the job got bored or wanted to switch jobs because you wanted to change environment.
What was the period you informed your employer/project manager in advance about your resignation and leaving? 2 weeks, a month? more? And was it enough time for the manager to find replacement? Did you leave in good terms?3 -
So, I'm on holiday for a week from Friday. Woo! The plan is to head to a cottage in the middle of nowhere with the wife and the dog and chill the fuck out for a while.
Just found out from my boss that, due to some fucking colossal mismanagement, I have to support a huge release for an architecture rebuild project from 10pm til 8am on Sunday night. While I'm on holiday. In the middle of nowhere.
FML2 -
Background: I'm doing a migration from FileMaker to JavaFX
My PM asked me what was going to be the main page of the system and he gave me an ugly option, to which I answered with a dashboard example, so now he wants me to change everything so that our app looks like the one I showed him -
Project managers moved all the tickets around and then got mad that we couldn't find them to log our time.
Mass mutiny about logging time in general and expected dev hours per week.
They returned the tickets to the old system at least -
I have this one project manager who shows up at my desk, following up on his email for which I haven't even received push notification yet
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Finding out that the Project Manager and Test Manager are actually in a relationship then spending the rest of the day trying to work out what you said to each of them in confidence
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Our project manager took a one week vacation. So it is either going to be a very productive or a very stressful week.
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This illustrates me perfectly, at that moment when i found that the project manager scrapped my updated lines in the deploy.
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You are really excited about the new project and then the project manager decided to use subversion, because he's never worked with git...3
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When you're not doing anything until 4pm then suddenly project manager give a task to finish until 5..2
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When you said your Project Manager that you don't have experience with something: "ok, I will tell client that you can help them with that" :/
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Here to represent project managers.
Who was saying what about us?!
Talk now or forever hold your peace!4 -
Developer in anger : I'm gonna leave this team and the manager/team will suffer for my loss and the project will fail.
In the meanwhile,
Manager to the senior manager : If one of the developers die or leaves the team, the project deadline extends by 1 month.
Senior manager : Great. -
Me to 2 other Dev's: Guys can i get your help? This line isn't working.
Dev's check the code. Tries there own things.
Doesn't work.
Dev's: Sorry man, we tried.
Project Manager with no knowledge of programming looks at code.
Project Manager: How are you struggling for so long?(Bitches for like 5 minutes)
Me: *gives her Penance stare*
* Starts laughing loud at the thought of her
dying*
I feel better now1 -
Thursday
Project Manager: Reckon we can get a demo/status update tomorrow?
Friday:
*status update*
Project Manager: Alright great
Monday 1pm:
*basically a shit tonne of noise all morning, can't get anything done*
Project Manager: Reckon we can get a status update right now?
*status update*
Project Manager: Alright, reckon you can demo it on Friday?
Me: Uh...
Project Manager: Ok, let's aim for a demo anyway.
Research Lead: Great!
Org Lead: How is everything going?
Me: I don't like how Project Manager micromanages.
Org Lead: Ahhh, yes, but it was me that asked him to manage like this
Me internally:
What's 65 - 28? Oh yeh, 37 more years of this. Is there a way I can kill myself painlessly?10 -
When the project manager complained about how you are late for the deadline, but the keep on adding on new requirements unrelated to the initial goal. OTL
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Our new project manager is super cringe. It's made daily stands just horrible. It turns out he's come schooled. Oh man ... that explains so much.4
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Should i push some common sense to some people in the company ????
Both our QA, customer QA, our project manager and their project manager agreed to set a timeout of 400 ms after press interaction to buttons, images or list items, just to show the ripple and fade effects to the user.
I am implementing it, and the application obviously has become much sluggish. They will blame me when they actually see this, because 75 or 100 ms is pretty enough to show any effect and make the app fast enough.
They will want me to change it afterwards, i am completely sure. I wish i was there to emit some common sense to those homo not sapiens.3 -
In our company most of the PMs do the development. Surprisingly it does with pretty well.
But this PM just asked "how to get rid of spaces in a string"...2 -
When your project manager accepts a contract with a client with a hard deadline but the time needed is nearly twice.7
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Project Manager: "You have until x date, but how far off are you from finishing"
Me: "How long is it until x date, there is your answer"
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An ex boss, who is obviously a project / marketing manager, claims he understands code and all, couldn't even edit the text inside a html element. R U SRS?
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Hey devRant,
What are your tips for delegating jobs as a project manager for a relatively inexperienced team?2 -
Am I missing something, or is a project manager just supposed to ask stupid questions and not aid the project in any way?4
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Is it legal that the day you're out for license, the project manager change your password and enter your email?4
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There's nothing like that feeling on your face...
When you get a new project...and you've been writing project requirements & scope docs for 20 hours...
As you somber towards bed...what is that tickle on my cheek? Oh. Just eye blood.
That's a morning-me problem.3 -
True story: We had once a project where the manager tells the client we are using the Waterfall but internally the devs are actually doing Agile. >_<1
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Remember that your Product Manager, Project Manager, etc are not your friend. They are coworkers first and friend second if you classify them as that. Learned that the hard way the other day.2
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Manager took too long to decide how he wants the new project.
- Estimate time for this project: 3 months
- Time I have to do it, 1 month.
YAY!! -
Being a development project manager is laughing at developer jokes with developers and then laughing at the developers with the business folks4
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Anyone else have a manager who absolutely LOVES to "derail you" and then says "sorry I don't mean to derail you but can you work on..." I swear tired of working for another person
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That feeling when you know your project manager is going to ask for something that they said wouldn't be a thing...2
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When the project manager decides to change the ux of a project with out informing you and your half way through with original requirements.
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“so i know you folks are up against it with this deadline, but i made a burndown chart i’d like to go through” - every project manager
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Noise cancelling headphones, 0.5 liter thermos mug constantly filled with coffee by the project manager and lock on the office door.4
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I was the project manager of project for some customer. Everything was fine until some day the customer discovered a Bug in the project.
So I opened the class there the Bug was located and i saw that my co-workers named variables like cheesecake and other
different cakeversions.
That time i learned never trust someone as a project manager. -
Okay. Four work days remaining this week, but still six days worth of work. My project manager sucks at maths.3
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When the project manager gives you a specification and a deadline at the same time...and nobody has been consulted...
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How many developers does it take to install a white board...
3, and 1 QA, 1 designer, 1 project manager and 3 attempts...9 -
Explain why a feature or request is a shite idea to your manager but don't accept 'well that's what the client wants' as an answer. Insist the useless manager twat should earn his money and not ruin the project.
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That moment when your project manager tells you he never heard of a technology, then gives you his old project to redo using that tech....
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I started working with Luigi, the workflow manager for a data-science project. Any input on how to test the Tasks or how does it compare to Airflow?
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Three meetings a week imposed by "manager" to keep the project on pace...
10m before the last three meetings (everyone from the meeting via email): "Skip it? No updates here"
...I think we need a "project manager" -
Just been casually asked to come up with ways to generate more digital revenue for the company - it’s a newspaper.
As a dev I can map out some solutions and work through most problems, but this is huge! Where do people even start with such a overwhelming challenge???!!!
One things for sure, less bloody display advertising would be my first thought, gotta’ be more innovative!
Any advice?!
1 -
When your manager moves the deadline of your project from the end of the year, to the end of October.2
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So we were in the meeting with the Project Manager, designers, me and other developers, and the Boss to see what's the current status in the project that we are doing. It started all good because the Project Manager is doing all the talking about the project and the boss liked it. Everything is going smoothly. Then at the end, he said something that we didn't expected.
Project Manager: "Sir, the project will be ready this week."
Boss: "Good."
And our world just stopped from spinning around.1 -
I think I might become a project manager or a BA. No one ever considers asking them to code. If you're the dev lead though...2
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Project manager, knows nothing/little about the project... Always sends new features to be added only to be removed 1hr later 😣😣, you have experienced nothing until you work under 1
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When did you see your project manager making that face the last time? Me, not that long time ago... :D
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This currently project I'm working on is taking a turn for the worse. I keep finding missing features from the designs, but then also the project manager remembered that there were these other requirements that were needed. She only remembered after I raised an issue about another problem because NOTHING has been written down. A wireframe is NOT a fucking requirements document.
So now I have to refactor 2 major components just to include this sudden new requirement. I really hope I don't work with this project manager ever again on any future projects. -
The Project Manager changed the project from scope driven to date driven with the teams giving him only t-shirt sizing estimates. Wish us luck...
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My project manager won't allow me to add webpack as a dependency but is okay with using SASS. Does this make sense?
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I hate the acronym "UX" and "sexy UX" is creepy especially when said by a project manager that heard it at a conference last week.1
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Project Manager: Our employees are not receptive to the new internal app we built
Dev: Have you tried making airplane noises when you show it to them?1 -
Only just got around to listing to the devRant podcast #1 this morning. DHH is a little potty mouth 🙃
Excellent content none the less! I kind of agree on DHH's stance on project managers.
On a side note, what other podcasts do you guys listen to? I quite like most of the content from jupiter broadcasting. LAS and Coder Radio specifically. -
Client: Are we getting the finished site next Monday?
Supervisor: no it should be the week after, that's the date I have on our dev schedule.
1st week into the project, we pointed out the PM messed up the project end date (he took beginning of the final week instead of the end of week) and apparently he(& CEO) didn't bother to inform the client about the mistake.
WTF PM you f-ed up every single project since joining the company -
I'm a jnr who has worked in 2 projects. In the first the project manager was aweful. On the second the project manager was brilliant. Starting my 3rd project and this time there won't be a PM. Should I be happy?1
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My work just hired a project manager intern. With no one to work under. To be an actual project manager.
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Can't decide who I hate the most... the sales guy or the project manager. Both make my job impossible!
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