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Search - "awkward silence"
Yesterday, in a meeting with project stakeholders and a dev was demoing his software when an un-handled exception occurred, causing the app to crash.
Dev: “Oh..that’s weird. Doesn’t do that on my machine. Better look at the log”
- Dev looks at the log and sees the exception was a divide by zero error.
Dev: “Ohhh…yea…the average price calculation, it’s a bug in the database.”
<I burst out laughing>
Me: “That’s funny.”
<Dev manager was not laughing>
DevMgr: “What’s funny about bugs in the database?”
Me: “Divide by zero exceptions are not an indication of a data error, it’s a bug in the code.”
Dev: “Uhh…how so? The price factor is zero, which comes from a table, so that’s a bug in the database”
Me: “Jim, will you have sales with a price factor of zero?”
StakeholderJim: “Yea, for add-on items that we’re not putting on sale. Hats, gloves, things like that.”
Dev: “Steve, did anyone tell you the factor could be zero?”
DBA-Steve: “Uh...no…just that the value couldn’t be null. You guys can put whatever you want.”
DevMgr: “So, how will you fix this bug?”
DBA-Steve: “Bug? …oh…um…I guess I could default the value to 1.”
Dev: “What if the user types in a zero? Can you switch it to a 1?”
Me: “Or you check the factor value before you try to divide. That will fix the exception and Steve won’t have to do anything.”
<awkward couple of seconds of silence>
DevMgr: “Lets wrap this up. Steve, go ahead and make the necessary database changes to make sure the factor is never zero.”
StakeholderJim: “That doesn’t sound right. Add-on items should never have a factor. A value of 1 could screw up the average.”
Dev: “Don’t worry, we’ll know the difference.”
<everyone seems happy and leaves the meeting>
I completely lost any sort of brain power to say anything after Dev said that. All the little voices kept saying were ‘WTF? WTF just happened? No really…W T F just happened!?’ over and over. I still have no idea on how to articulate to anyone with any sort of sense about what happened. Thanks DevRant for letting me rant.16
After listening to two of our senior devs play ping pong with a new member of our team for TWO DAYS!
DevA: "Try this.."
Junior: "Didn't work"
DevB: "Try that .."
Junior: "Still not working"
Me:"What is the problem?"
Few ums...uhs..awkward seconds of silence
Junior: "App is really slow. Takes several seconds to launch and searching either crashes or takes a really long time."
DevA: "We've isolated the issue with Entity Framework. That application was written back when we used VS2010. Since that application isn't used very often, no one has had to update it since."
DevB: "Weird part is the app takes up over 3 gigs of ram. Its obviously a caching issue. We might have to open up a ticket with Microsoft."
Me: "Or remove EF and use ADO."
DevB: "That would be way too much work. The app is supposed to be fully deprecated and replaced this year."
Me: "Three of you for the past two days seems like a lot of work. If EF is the problem, you remove EF."
DevA: "The solution is way too complicated for that. There are 5 projects and 3 of those have circular dependencies. Its a mess."
DevB: "No fracking kidding...if it were written correctly the first time. There aren't even any fracking tests."
Me:"Pretty sure there are only two tables involved, maybe 3 stored procedures. A simple CRUD app like this should be fairly straight forward."
DevB: "Can't re-write the application, company won't allow it. A redesign of this magnitute could take months. If we can't fix the LINQ query, we'll going to have the DBAs change the structures to make the application faster. I don't see any other way."
Holy frack...he didn't just say that.
Over my lunch hour, I strip down the WPF application to the basics (too much to write about, but the included projects only had one or two files), and created an integration test for refactoring the data access to use ADO. After all the tests and EF removed, the app starts up instantly and searches are also instant. Didn't click through all the UI, but the basics worked.
Sat with Junior, pointed out my changes (the 'why' behind the 'what') ...and he how he could write unit tests around the ViewModel behavior in the UI (and making any changes to the data access as needed).
Junior: "Employee app is fixed. Had some help removing Entity Framework and how it starts up fast and and searches are instant. Going to write unit tests today to verify the UI behaivor. I'll be able to deploy the application tomorrow."
DevA: "What?! No way! You did all that yesterday?"
Me: "I removed the Entity Framework over my lunch hour. Like I said, its basic CRUD and mostly in stored procedures. All the data points are covered by integration tests, but didn't have time for the unit tests. It's likely I broke some UI behavior, but the unit tests should catch those."
DevB: "I was going to do that today. I knew taking out Entity Framework wouldn't be a big deal."
Holy fracking frack. You fracking lying SOB. Deeeep breath...ahhh...thanks devRant. Flame thrower event diverted.13
"So what are your hobbies?"
"No i mean your real hobbies, besides the work you do"
Me: *awkward silence*9
"Mmh okay, so what about test coverage?"
Team taking the project "why???"
Dev: "You don't need test if you write perfect code"
Silence in the room... Followed by awkward laugh.18
She: "I am not getting anything out of these classes!!"
Me: "Try making some Objects first"
My friend just made an awkward joke
Me: I couldn't get Postgres working on ubuntu
Friend: How bout installing GET-gres
Me: (awkward silence)7
"Hi there I'm from [RECRUITER FIRM] I found your profile on LinkedIn and thought I'd call you"
"What does the first line of my profile say"
*awkward silence and furious typing*
*mumbles* "recruiters please do not contact me"
Most awkward moment of my life happened 10 mins ago.
I really enjoy playing a sad trombone sound when someone says something stupid. I even have a widget on my phone's home screen so that I can play it almost instantly.
It's actually very funny when I use it with friends.
So, today I walk in the office during a rather heated argument between my boss and a sales lady who has been in the company forever.
I sit on my desk and pull out my phone to connect it to the charger since it was getting a bit low.
As the boss completes his phrase and there is that half second silence before the other person starts speaking I accidentally pressed the trombone button, playing the sound at full volume for a full 2-3 seconds that, needless to say, felt like an eternity.
Don't think I'm getting fired but God it was awkward.10
Me : We have 3 guys , 850 hours of content to develop, and you want this by mid Feb...
Account Manager : Yes
Me: ... (Doing math in head)..
Account Manager : This has to happen , what do we need to MAKE THIS HAPPEN..
Me: A time machine....
- awkward silence -10
Me: *Playing around with bash on Windows*
Friend: Can you hack my Facebook account?
Me: I already did...
*moments of awkward silence*4
Wrote my friend Sam a letter when I was still working in support. I think it still holds up today.
I understand that you will join us in our overseas office. Congratulations on landing that job. It’s good steady work. I’ve been doing it for the last ten years.
Your still young so maybe I can give you some little wisdom that will help you in your working years to come.
Let me begin by shedding some light on phone calls.
I try. I really do try Sam. But it is getting so hard for me to hold back the rage that builds up during certain phone calls. Especially the ‘Sorry, I just don’t know anything about computers! -giggle-’ ones.
Those are the times that I have no access to what they see. I’ve no team-viewer, can not take over that screen in any other way. And why-oh-why can I not take over that terminal session dear Sam? It’s because the caller can not double-click an icon or find a terminal session number.
And what is the reason for this? Because they ‘just don’t know anything about computers! -giggle-’. This is a sort of get-out-of-jail-free card. Beware of these callers Sam.
There is nothing so nerve-wrecking then finding yourself at the mercy of people describing Internet Explorer (do not even get me started) as ‘the big ‘E’, if they use Chrome for their webmail then they most likely will say ‘Mail’ if they mean Chrome. There is no logic Sam. That is just the way these people work.
They will suck all enjoyment out of your work. They will make you want to hunt them down in dark office hallways and show them your tears Sam. Because cry you will.
Sure, I understand that not everyone can be tech savvy. Why, if everyone would be, where would that leave us? No. I love the technologically challenged. They put the fiber in my internet. They make me LOL for real. After the initial anger subsides anyway.
But just below that well-willing folk, on the other side of that border… there they dwell: Management.
Nice cars, suits and iphones Sam. First thing a new manager will require is a brand spanking new business-card. It will hold his/her new title. Then an iphone or overpriced android model will follow suit.
Then they will barge into your office, holding it like it’s the next best thing since sliced bread.
Any manager will automatically assume that you will drop anything you are doing at the present moment to acknowledge the presence of greatness. Failing to do so will result in awkward yet fulfilling situations. I recommend that you do not take your hands of the keyboard and give only the slightest of nods after 5 minutes of complete silence and glaring.
Well… you feel the glare. You do not glare yourself. You do not break eye-contact with the monitor. It does not even matter if you are typing for real or not. I once clicked away happily for 5 minutes. I just typed ‘he is still there’ over and over again. Do not break down Sam. This moment will decide your relationship with this individual.
After the nod there will be a flood of words aimed in your general direction. You can disregard anything that is said. It boils down to ‘can not operate device’.
You then take the device from this person and put it next to you on your desk. You’ll ask the name of this simpleton, write it down on a sticky-note, slap that on the phone. Then you’ll write a random date in the not so near future on another sticky and hand that to the bewildered person in front of you.
It will usually utter some incoherent words about ‘needing, time or but’ (I find that ‘but’is a word they like. They tend to use it three or four times consecutive before you usher them through the door).
Now you’ve won Sam. Well… not really. But it will feel good, I can guarantee that.
This must do for now. A new suit is glaring at me for the last five minutes.
Felt good to do something productive with this time.
P.s. I just noticed that there is some foam around his mouth. So if you encounter this, don’t worry: it seems to be perfectly normal.14
Our website once had it’s config file (“old” .cgi app) open and available if you knew the file name. It was ‘obfuscated’ with the file name “Name of the cgi executable”.txt. So browsing, browsing.cgi, config file was browsing.txt.
After discovering the sql server admin password in plain text and reporting it to the VP, he called a meeting.
VP: “I have a report that you are storing the server admin password in plain text.”
WebMgr: “No, that is not correct.”
Me: “Um, yes it is, or we wouldn’t be here.”
WebMgr: “It’s not a network server administrator, it’s SQL Server’s SA account. Completely secure since that login has no access to the network.”
<VP looks over at me>
VP: “Oh..I was not told *that* detail.”
Me: “Um, that doesn’t matter, we shouldn’t have any login password in plain text, anywhere. Besides, the SA account has full access to the entire database. Someone could drop tables, get customer data, even access credit card data.”
WebMgr: “You are blowing all this out of proportion. There is no way anyone could do that.”
WebMgr: “Who would do that? They would have to know a lot about our systems in order to do any real damage.”
VP: “Yes, it would have to be someone in our department looking to do some damage.”
<both the VP and WebMgr look at me>
Me: “Open your browser and search on SQL Injection.”
<VP searches on SQL Injection..few seconds pass>
WebMgr: “Our team is already removing the SQL, but our apps need to read the SQL server login and password from a config file. I don’t know why this is such a big deal. The file is read-only and protected by IIS. You can’t even read it from a browser.”
VP: “Well, if it’s secured, I suppose it is OK.”
Me: “Open your browser and navigate to … browse.txt”
VP: “Oh my, there it is.”
WebMgr: “You can only see it because your laptop had administrative privileges. Anyone outside our network cannot access the file.”
VP: “OK, that makes sense. As long as IIS is securing the file …”
Me: “No..no..no.. I can’t believe this. The screen shot I sent yesterday was from my home laptop showing the file is publicly available.”
WebMgr: “But you are probably an admin on the laptop.”
<couple of awkward seconds of silence…then the light comes on>
VP: “OK, I’m stopping this meeting. I want all admin users and passwords removed from the site by the end of the day.”
Took a little longer than a day, but after reviewing what the web team changed:
- They did remove the SQL Server SA account, but replaced it with another account with full admin privileges.
- Replaced the “App Name”.txt with centrally located config file at C:\Inetpub\wwwroot\config.txt (hard-coded in the app)
When I brought this up again with my manager..
Mgr: “Yea, I know, it sucks. WebMgr showed the VP the config file was not accessible by the web site and it wasn’t using the SA password. He was satisfied by that. Web site is looking to beat projections again by 15%, so WebMgr told the other VPs that another disruption from a developer could jeopardize the quarterly numbers. I’d keep my head down for a while.”8
This happened just a few meters of me.
IT Guy: What happened sir?
IT Manager: WTF does the variable a4g646g54a6g54a65g654ag546a654g56a?
I had been working for 6 months at the same place surrounded by 6 people (3 of them in my work team) .
On January I receive a message on skype for business "Hello, happy new year :)"
I answered "thanks", 10 seconds later I see the name of who wrote the message, someone called let's say YYY, so I ask one of my coworkers, "do you know who is YYY?" and I hear a voice of the girl seated right in front of me for the last 6 months answering "It's me", "Oh!" I said.
Rant to myself for being a shitty non social person.18
QA: You need to write a test script for your new web app before it can go live
Me: ok, I'll write some tests in PHP unit and automate the tests.
QA: Oh, can you do that? We just normally write a list in excel then go through each line and write pass or fail at the end.
Me: yeah, good one.
QA: Umm, I'm not joking.
Queue awkward silence...4
When the client asks why you billed them for something that was supposedlly your fault and takes a defense when you turn around with the emails and documentation to support that the code is working like it should and was requested by them... Awkward silence... And they still come back with well could you knock off half the hours. Client==fired
Side note.......have been having issues with this clent for a year so it was their time coming.1
TL;DR — Never ever use work chat to gossip about work. NEVER.
Just some minutes ago, my boss asked a mate to move aside from his computer and began checking out some docs.
By the tone he used, I assumed something was wrong, I stood from my workplace and went to grab something from the kitchen. Came back and he was looking through a thread in slack between a mate and another work mate.
I thought he was going to send something to himself but then he asked me if I could help printing out the screen. Took a quick look and they were talking shit about him.
Now, it'll be an awkward silence until I go home and those two stay to argue about that thread.
I have t shirt which has 1+1=10 written over it. In my family all are from non science background.so they laugh at me whenever i wear that shirt.
Once i got frustrated and yelled " you will never git it".
Wish i had cs related family background -.-5
Head of department: Do we have license key for ubuntu os on our systems?
Lab assistant: Yess!!
Everyone else: No!!! It is open source
HOD leaves without saying a word after that
Sunday afternoon extra work..
New guy: what do you do?
Me: backend, mainly
New guy: c#?
Me: yeah, but not just..
New guy: so you're good at it?
Me: I'm a fucking proctologist
Awkward silence, followed by nerdy giggling
Just over heard, Dev A was reviewing another team's code ...
Senior Dev A: "I don't understand this teams code. I hate WebAPI. Wish we could use X."
Senior Dev B: "Why can't we use X?"
Senior Dev A: "It's frowned upon."
Senior Dev B: "By whom?"
- couple of seconds of silence -
Senior Dev A: "X is not a Microsoft technology"
- few more seconds of awkward silence -
Senior Dev A: "X is magnitudes slower than WebAPI anyway."
Senior Dev C: "What? How much slower?"
- caught off guard..didn't know Senior Dev C didn't have his headphones on -
Senior Dev A: "Um...I don't know, that is what you told me."
Senior Dev C: "I never said that. I've never used X. I prefer WebAPI anyway, but both WebAPI and X use REST based protocols, I doubt X is magnitudes slower. Actually, I think you told me WebAPI was slower."
Senior Dev A: "Different paradigm."
- second or two of silence -
Senior Dev B: "What?"
Senior Dev A: "Hey, did you see on twitter ..."
Have no idea where he thought that conversation was going. Maybe he was hoping the other devs would dog-pile/attack the code. Pretty funny it backfired. His face when Dev C said 'I never said that' was priceless. Like "Oh -bleep- ..how do I lie out of this one? ...quick, distract with random words or a twitter post"
<senior dev turns around..making some small talk about the weather and such.. then>
Senior Dev: “Yea, I’m wanting to take my hard drive out of my desktop and put it in my laptop”
<I know his personal laptop is an older 13.3” dell>
Me: “You have a 2.5” laptop drive in your desktop computer?”
<gives me a very puzzled look>
Senior Dev: “Um…no.”
<second or two of awkward silence>
Me: “Well, a desktop hard drive isn’t going to fit in your laptop.”
<gives me another very puzzled look with a touch of annoyance>
Senior Dev: “It might work.”
<senior dev turns back around>
Why the –bleep- do people talk to me!? Now the rest of the day all I want to do is take his computer away from him…poor thing…that little guy has no idea what his owner wants to do to him .8
Colleague: Let's see the luna(r) eclipse.
Me: But that was a while ago.
Colleague: No it is today. Let's go out and see.
Me: Out.!! But how could you run eclipse there?
Me: What..?? Oh...!!
All the while I was thinking why would a node dev require eclipse, when he could perfectly work with something like vscode. Feels so stupid.
Client A: "So, how about those features I told you yesterday? Can it work? Have you discuss it with your team?"
Me: "Yes, it would possibly have to extend the due date a little bit more..."
Client A: "Meaning?"
Me: "You have to pay more."
*Another 15mins awkward silence moment*
Client A: "I don't understand."
Seriously, get some other guy to do the meeting please...I am not good in PR....4
Rule #1 about devRant... No names. Never know when they'll sign up, see it, and make the connection. That's gonna make for some awkward elevator silence.2
So recently moved to a new place. New roommates. Thought lets initiate a talk. Found out one of em is a web developer.
Me: So, what you working on?
Him: Web technologies
Me: oh great...I worked on ReactJS and AngularJS.
Him: Our company uses AngularJS.
Me: So you work on AngularJS, right?
Him: Oh no I don't work on AngularJS...I am a frontend developer...
(Inner me: No shit. Need to find new place.)
Should I tell him?1
During one of our 'pop-up' meetings last week.
Ralph: "The test code the developers are checking in is a mess. They don't know what they are doing."
var foo = SomeLibrary.GetFoo();
Fred: "Ha ha..someone should talk to HR about our hiring practices. These people are literally driving the company backwards."
Me: "I think unit testing is complete waste of time."
- You could almost see the truck hit the wall and splatter watermelon everwhere..took Ralph and Fred a couple of seconds to respond
Fred: "Uh..unit testing is industry best practice. There is scientific evidence that prove testing reduces bugs and increases code quality"
Ralph: "Over 90% of our deployments are rolled back because of bugs. Unit testing will eliminate that."
Me: "Sorry, I disagree."
- Stepping on kittens wouldn't have gotten a worse look from Fred and Ralph
Fred: 'Pretty sure if you ask any professional developer, they'll tell you unit testing and code coverage reduces bugs.'
Me: "I'm not asking anyone else, I'm asking you. Find one failed deployment, just one, over the past 6 months that unit testing or code coverage would have prevented."
- good 3 seconds of awkward silence.
Ralph: "Well, those rollbacks are all mostly due to server mis-configurations. That's not a fair comparison."
Me: "I'm using your words. Unit tests reduces bugs and lack of good tests is the direct reason why we have so many failed deployments"
Boss: "Yea, Ralph...you and Fred kinda said that."
Fred: "No...we need to write good tests. Not this mess."
Me: "Like I said, show me one test you've written that would have prevented a rollback. Just one."
Ralph: "So, what? We do nothing?"
Me: "No, we have to stop worshiping this made up 80% code coverage idol. If not, developers are going to keep writing useless test code just to meet some percent. If we wrote device drivers or frameworks for other developers maybe, but we write CRUD apps. We execute a stored procedure or call a service. This 80% rule doesn't fit for code we write."
Fred: "If the developers took their head out of their ass.."
Me: "Hey!..uh..no, they are doing exactly what they are being told. Meet the 80% requirement, even if doesn't make sense."
Ralph: "Nobody told them to write *that* code."
Boss: "My gosh, what have you and Fred been complaining about for the past hour?"
- Ralph looks at his monitor and brilliantly changes the subject
Ralph: "Oh my f-king god...Trump said something stupid again ..."
At that point I put my headphones on went back to what I was doing. I'm pretty sure Fred and Ralph spent the rest of the day messaging back-n-forth, making fun of me or some random code I wrote 3 years ago (lots of typing and giggling). How can highly educated grown men (one has a masters in CS) get so petty and insecure?6
What's occurring? Asked my friend.
A reoccurring decimal! I said.
*Awkward silence for the next hour*
client A: "why don't you code in Java then? it looks much more authentic! those alien-like structure just so cool to us!"
me:"cause i can do the same thing with around 15 lines of code using Python instead of 100 lines in Java...."
client A:*confusing look*
then we have a 15mins of awkward silence time...
please don't set me to meet client T_T...1
* hours into the debug session *
"... What are we debugging again?" - me
Actually because no one remembers as well
everytime when i meet with my friends and they ask me if what course i'm currently taking and of course i'm gonna answer back "IT"
(~) what i say in my mind
statements that will suddenly pop into conversation
-"can you (reformat, fix, update, etc.) my pc/laptop"
~oh stahp it, youuu
-"don't forget to treat us when you graduate, i heard jobs in your field have great salaries"
~gezzus i'm still a student and i am struggling, then you want me to treat you.
-"hey man, can you build me a website (for free)"
~yea dude, let me ask genie to snap that wish of yours
-"oh so you must be good with computers?"
~yea i treat them well, i tell them bedtime stories and feed them with milk and cookies
~the long silence makes this even more awkward
-"hey man, i code and design too, maybe we can work together"
-"how many coffee?"
~i truly found my mate.
these are some of the statements i've encountered, what's yours?
Had one of my spookiest meetings today. Mr git master still had the dailies in the calendar, but he's the scrum master without a scrum and I was the only one to join. Some bitter remarks alluded to the fight with my boss, but otherwise he was mostly going on about how we should build a docker container to automatically build our build system and how to achieve this perfection in his previous company they needed three month - while our current project is already due in December including testing. I don't know.. still - theoretically he seems to know his stuff, but in the end you have to compile shit and make it fly, or at least not let it drown to heavily.
Anyway, awkward silence setting in, when he's still talking on and my boss enters the meeting room. Some heavy sand in the works.
Should I rejoice like them?
Everytime my qa says "it's a bug"
Me: You saint, it's not a bug, it's a feature...