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25 phrases you wish you could say at work more often
(Warning: Contains naughty words...:-)))
1. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room17 -
Summary of the summary: Boss is an asshole. Root gets angry; boss leaves instead of picking a fight for once. This makes Root sad (and really angry).
Summary: Root has another interaction with her boss. The boss is an asshole. Root is a bitch. Root would have been so so so much more of a bitch if the boss actually fucking responded. Root is sad this didn't happen. Root might have gotten fired. That would have made Root happy. :<
-------------
Le wild blackout appears!
-- Conference call (the short-short version) --
Boss: *freaks out* Fix it! Why aren't you fixing it? You have to fix it.
Me: I'm already fixing it. 😕
Boss: You have to fix it! This is important!
Me: Then let's get off this call so I can focus on fixing it!
Boss: Okay but fix it! *begrudgingly hangs up*
-- Slack --
Me: (posting a running log of what I'm doing) This is what i discovered. this is the cause. these are the possible fixes. I picked this one because it's quick and has few consequences, though it may break ____ so it'll need followup fixes. I'll do those tomorrow. Blackout resolved!
Boss: (apparently doesn't even noticed I fixed his shitty service)
-- Next day --
Boss: I want you to work on [stupid shit] instead.
Me: But what about the followup fixes?
Boss: Top priority! because customer service!
Me: ... fine.
-- Next week (verbatim because wtf) --
Boss: Did we test that [resolution] on ______? No one thought to test this. It didnt cross anyones mind at all? Either you guys can make good decisions and document concerns or I have to be part of every decision [...]. But this is basic. SHould have been a team heads up and said if we are switching this what can it break and can we test it. [sic]
Me: Did you want me to resolve the blackout quickly and allow people to actually use our service, or spend two days checking everything that might possibly have gone wrong? I weighed the possibilities and picked the solution with the quickest implementation with the fewest consequences. You're welcome.
Me: (Quotes boss's "SHould have been a team heads up" and links my "this is what could go wrong" heads-up in Slack)
Boss: (pretends not to even notice)
Boss: (talks about customer service related crap)
What a fucking loser.
I'm so angry he didn't respond and start in on me over it. I wanted to tear him to shreds in front of everyone.
Related:
He tried adding another huge project to my plate earlier today, and I started flipping out on him for all these shitty sales features he keeps dumping on me in place of real work that i still get blamed for not finishing. The contractor stepped in before it got too heated, though, which is probably best because my reaction was pretty unprovoked. The above rant, though? Asshole doesn't read, just blames and yells when he's angry.
I really hate him.20 -
Someday my toaster is going to have an IP address. A bad automatic firmware update will most likely cause it to get stuck on the bagel setting until I plug a usb key in and reflash the memory.
Grandma's refrigerator will probably get viruses, lock itself and freeze all the food inside, demanding bitcoin before defrosting.
My blender will probably be used in a massive DDoS attack because Ninja's master MAC address list got leaked and the hidden control panel login is admin/admin.
Ovens will burn houses down when people call in to have them preheat on their way home from work.
Correlations between the number of times the lights are turned on and how many times the toilet is flushed will yield recommendations to run the dishwasher on Thursdays because it's simply more energy efficient.
My dog will tweet when he's hungry and my smart watch will recommend diet dog food in real-time because he's really been eating too much lately--"Do you want to setup a recurring order on Amazon fresh?"
Sometimes living in a cave sounds nice...12 -
Bossman freaks out over every little thing (ironically unless it's important).
Bossman also just set our papertrail 500 filter to forward him a copy of every "critical alert."
Fuck me.
He has zero technical knowledge and zero reading comprehension. He literally forwarded one and said "This has one lots of info in it. explain it to me." (It was a log usage notification. in plain English. It had maybe three numbers in it.)
There's lots of useless "500"s in the list we don't care about. API Guy used the finer as a debugging alert system, and peppered his logs with "500 internal hey look at this." In fact, none of the 500s were even interesting; all but one was spam.
All day I've been tending to freakouts and accusations of me not doing anything. Ugh.8 -
So... I still go to school.
My English teacher (I'm from Germany) wanted to watch a video with us. There was one Problem. The sound didnt work. My teacher asked for computer Freaks in class. All pointed to me. I went to the desk where the computer was standing.
They plugged the audio output cable for the speakers into the audio input of the computer (that pink microphone input)... 😥 it made some nice sounds haha
Funny thing: other teachers didnt solve the problem before me5 -
I got this coworker who ask me about everything every day. That is fine with me, but the way he does it is not. I always use noise-cancelling headsets. Every fucking time he walks up to my desk - and just stands there. And every fucking time I randomly turn my head and freaks out. HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN STANDING THERE, YOU CREEPY CRETIN?!12
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I can't help but be disappointed in the direction that technology has directed us into, especially social media.
While I love my girlfriend, she more often than not spends her time scrolling away at the dumbest shit on Instagram, Facebook, .. reels. Reels everywhere. And she's not dumb, mind you. She's an engineer just as much as you (presumably) and I are. Just in a different field.
When looking into it online and stumbling upon more than one study, I learned about the term it had been coined.. technoference. That's the constant interruption of social media into our day-to-day lives, and the dopamine kick it gives -- more so than IRL peers do. Why that is, being the digital equivalent to McDonald's, that's beyond me. But somehow it seems to be better, all while the content isn't even useful. It doesn't allow you to learn anything, to gain insights, or to explore things that could serve you in the real world. Cat videos and random shit that's somehow.. funny? Having pretty much completely disconnected from social media years ago, I seriously fail to see how.
Maybe us nerds in the 90's and early 2000's telling everyone else how we'd change the world and prove everyone who called us freaks wrong, disenchanted as we were (and probably still are), were the catalyst for this social disaster. We had the cognitive skills to do it, but not the social equivalent. I feel guilty... Even though I've always been part of a big tech resistance in some capacity, I still feel guilty. Because I'm one of those people with the skills of those who created this trash fire of a societal status quo. Everyone glued to their screens, 95% of the time not for work. Not even to aid one's ability to function in the real world. Just to combat boredom. All day, for many hours on end.
Where is it going to end? When will people realize the dystopia we got ourselves into? Will anyone but a few fight it? Would those who don't fight it even care?12 -
Yesterday I stayed at home sick. Had a bad case of the EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA FROM HELL. Was feeling ok but could not walk away from me throne.
Went in today cuz the lead was not gonna be there and shit always breaks on Freyja's day as we all know.
1 and a half hours before we clock out and go home someone calls saying that students are trying to drop from classes at the last minute and our app ain't doing it.
I "fixed" the app last week and ran a small login test. It work so I thought it was fine. Stupid me for making unprofessional and retarded assumptions.
Manager freaks out. The entire school freaks out. Coworker lols cuz he ain't got to work on it. I start mind debugging the entire bitcheridoo.
45 minutes later...and I was able to successfully go through almost 15k lines of code of php/html/js code and fucking FIXED it with tests and all for real.
Went at it hard. Babe ass manager was like 0.0 and then (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Called head office and told them everything was undr control.
Dropped the phone like a mic. Mic drop.
Then I looked at manager and coworker and said "ya I fucked up, but I am still the king"
Both nodded in agreement.
Everyone got wet with my sheer awesome troubleshooting php master skills.
Got home thinking about how boss I am.
Fucking Texas af b. Can't touch this heat. The rangers still suck and so do the cowboys. The astros and the texans don't exist because there is only room for one. Go spurs.
Still have diarrhea.
Fuck yeah.8 -
For the privacy freaks of devRant, have a host file that blocks all Facebook owned domains:
Blocklist Facebook domains (2016) - https://github.com/jmdugan/...
(not mine, found on HN)7 -
Look to your left, then look to your right...
All of those devs started out exactly as you are doing now!7 -
Classroom fuckery: I'm in a Computer Information Technology program and I usually spend the last hour of class working on code. Most of the people in this program are going into networking or security. This kid looks over and freaks out, starts yelling that I'm breaking into the school's network. I was on freecodecamp.com.5
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!rant
I just saw someone write about how much he hates school and it reminded me of all I am about to say:
I go to a fancy private school in my country full of shitheads and idiots that think that they can rely on their parents money for the rest of their lives, are always concerned about the latest trends (yeezys, dabs, fidget spinners... etc) and it just gets on my nerves as I have to live with all that and have almost no friends since I failed my class two years ago, when I sit in school I can't focus on anything the teacher says which in turn contributes to my shit grades and there is nothing I can do about it. I have been diagnosed with persistent depresseive disorderand bouts of major depression and my mom won't accept to give me adequate medication because she says(although this is not always the case) that antidepressants can trigger the bipolar disorder that runs in my family, and on top of all this shit, ever since I was 7 I have been raised by my single mother after my father died (I never tell people that my father is dead usually because I hate the look of pity I get coming out of their faces) and my mother has been screwed over for all her life because she can't make a good decision or call bullshit even if you put a gun to her head.
And what I hate most about all that is that I have no one to talk to because my mom is one of those religious freaks so I can't talk to her about my real deep thoughts, and every psychologist or counselor I have been to has been shit.
And this is just another chronicle of my miserable fucking existence.18 -
>site is production ready
>client requests new feature by end of week
>add feature and then site breaks on last day of week
>client freaks out even though we warned this is what happens when you add new features DURING LAUNCH WEEK1 -
When your co developer asks for you to check out her website and tell her any bugs you notice, I then proceed to give her 8 bugs in her code and she freaks out on me lol
Maybe your not as perfect as you think you are....3 -
One of the reasons their extensive data collection is becoming annoying for not just the privacy freaks, but everyone is when it starts suggesting me dumb stuff like no thanks I learnt coding by spending two years on messed up projects and wrecked half a dozen servers before I had an idea on how to host a website go feed this zuckershit to some other n00🅱
1 -
My dissertation at university was to analyse chat logs of pedophiles in the hope that the application of a density metric could flag up both explicit chats between parties (which it did very well) and more importantly flag up potential on going grooming (it was a bit hit or miss) I love telling people about this because it freaks them out2
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Repositories with 1k+ issues and / or 50+ pull requests are basically lost causes I would think..
1. Hard to recover properly
2. The same people that let it come to that point won't be the ones to be able to recover it in the first place
'lost cause' as in the project will just slowly because worse and worse in most ways, not that it's outright useless / non-functioning / ..
Does anyone have a counter-example of such a project that did recover?
In regards to h3rp1d3v's rant
https://devrant.com/rants/5883807/...7 -
Dear team leader, If you tell me „I need to review this merge request before merging”, then make sure you are able to allocate time to do this.
If you need MORE THAN A WEEK to even start, then maybe your delegation skills are nonexistent. -
PSA: negate your tests and make sure they fail!
I have what I thought was a weird and slightly paranoid habit. When I write tests sometimes just as a sanity check negate the assertion to make sure the test fails and isn't a false positive. Almost always fails as expected.
But not today! Turns out I had forgotten to wrap my equality check in an assertion so it would always pass. It freaks me out to imagine pushing a test that always passes not just because it doesn't do its job, but could also obscure a bug and trick me into thinking it works differently than it does. Broken tests are the worst!
But it pays to be paranoid. -
After 3.5 terms, I still see people running Linux in a vm && writing C code in nano.
Should I be concerned if that really freaks me out?
Usually I'd say use whatever floats your boat but I just don't get why they don't dual boot, they'll need Linux in pretty much every term...16 -
A few years ago web devs (javascript) were all like ‚you and ur freaky types, nobody needs that shit‘...
Then they morphed into typescript freaks only to write the most complex and unreadable types I‘ve ever seen 😂5 -
The moment when your CEO freaks out because he can’t login and starts insulting your architecture because he thinks its a caching issue even though it is a cookie issue because his CTO changed the domain on your cookie for no reason.
2 -
On a digital marketing course.
Teacher:
"Web pages are made of structured content and style, that's HTML and CSS. There are also many programming languages, like JavaScript or Python, but we are not discussing those here because it's computer freaks stuff. Now let's talk about cookies..."
Me: Should I kill myself now or wait until that man stops saying shit an die killing him too...?1 -
Can someone relate to it? We have a very simple process:
1. Create a ticket 🎫
2. Specify the requirement 📑
3. Assign the ticket to a developer 👨🦰👩🦰
4. Optional: make a meeting with the developer and go throw the specification if it is a complex feature 🗓️
Under pressure it looks like this:
Someone tells you to implement the request as fast a possible, no written specification, in best case you get a brief email 📧 also the feature has to be available asap in production and they is only poorly tested...
Or they want to test in production because the data in test system is "missing" ⛔☢️☣️
It is so annoying that is so difficult to stick to such a simple process 😭 it really freaks me out 😒😫12 -
One of professors has an interesting philosophy in regards to how software is planned. He makes us forget that we dealing with a computer and has us write instructions as if we are teaching a human (no optimization, binary, or unnecessary numeral variables). Then we change it into code, then we optimize it. Every time. It freaks me out, but it gets us thinking. Not sure. If that is genius or insanity.1
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When I run tests, I like to enable the debug logging. All the SQL queries and template tracing just flies by. Freaks the others out.
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"You listen to me, you muscle-bound, handsome Adonis. Tech is reserved for people like me, okay? The freaks, the weirdos, the misfits, the geeks, the dweebs, the dorks! Not you!"
— Richard fucken Hendricks
#bestshowever1 -
I've been reading this new book. And the heading & the paragraph is way offset. Like 3 fingers offset.
It freaks me up every time.3 -
I wonder if programmers are control freaks or inventors or both...
Humans have got to be more complex then that? -
So some of the C++ guys I deal with have this thing in their mind that they know all the other languages cause they're similar right, and they argue that it doesn't work vice versa.You know Java, you don't know c++
Simple advice to people out there who meet such people is to just ask them to make a Java program with the goto command
Little know it all freaks.11 -
So I was wandering around Lithuania during a time period when the freaks were playing nice. Took some pictures of hot chocolate or coffee can't remember long time ago and some photos of a nice snow covered trail and added some Cyrillic what a nice vacation
True story
This is in Russia immediately after my trip to Lithuania
The people were certainly not twisted freaks who were acting nice for once and leaving me alone instead of acting like fucked up chomo captors. A word I never use but I've been inspired by hearing it over and over
I like it here
There are Tons of people I get along with who have the same interests
11 -
So. is it possible you fucking freaks could NOT mess up national geographic like you did the history channel ? in fact can we just murder anyone who watches ancient aliens or ever produced a single episode of forged in fire ? or any of this other stupid uninformative bullshit where they use sound effects and cast ruined creatures pretending to be normal and/or decent people ? thanks. this is why we're stuck you know. because you people can't be allowed to completely replace a culture with your bullshit or the world will never recover. civilization will in fact end.16
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I have a USB 3.0 hub that works mostly. However, sometimes it freaks out and starts disconnecting things attached to it. It also causes my gaming mouse that updates 1000 times per second to operate wrong. Yes, it was a cheap usb hub to begin with. I am using a laptop and I want a decent hub to use with my gaming peripherals if possible. I have an old belkin hub I am going to try that usb 2.0. But I really want a decent usb 3.0 hub. I need something that is not cheap pos made by no name like most of amazon products. I want something good that I wont regret getting later. It also needs to have been tested with a 1mS update rate device like my gaming mouse.
Does such an animal exist?12 -
Has anyone ever gotten used to using Microsoft email inbox (Outlook or Live or Microsoft online or whatever the heck it's called)? I feel completely lost whenever I check my university emails. Gmail is so nice and clean.
Also, to them privacy freaks, what do you guys use if not for gmail?5 -
already these little fucks gave the idea they think they're going to lay claim to property that is NOT there's.
they can have this laptop if they like, with a ssd drive in it. just not this ssd drive or any of john's other hard drives, as HE PURCHASED THEM ALL.
also stop humanizing laptops, fucking freaks !
its a plastic shell with silicon chips in it that conducts electricity through a cpu that does stuff.
wasn't put on this earth to give chomos shallow lives to mimic with some added idiocy embedded into their lines.
and hand over all the old photos from the real times periods and those that came after and stop trying to touch what doesn't belong to them.
this includes the hdd's cotents 'lost' in chicago, which appear to have mostly reappeared. -
I genuinely want to know about the thoughts of more exp devs in this community to tell me about the JavaScript and latest frameworks. But only in job and good pay perspective. I know js hardly qualifies as a proper programming language. But right now and am working as a frontend developer with angular 5 and was looking for some advice in building a career in js related technologies.1
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I know what I'll do !
I'll color and number code society by some strange esoteric set of unknown creepy crappy concepts and keep adding to them until a subset of people behaves like annoying stupid freaks depending on the color of the shirt I wear a specific day !
That will make everything so much easier than having a multi palette wardrobe !
That way I can reduce the world down to a bunch of retarded pygmy rejects with an extra layer of stupidity added !
Doesn't that sound like a good idea ?1 -
The tragedy of my life has been I grew up in the sane real world not knowing it was insane and that the inmates thus interred in the asylum they embraced used the real
World to cover their perversity and inhumanity. When they had less freaks all around and more normal people to mimic they mimicked ordinary people better and I not knowing what they were, made explanations that seemed more reasonable than the truth for their strange behavior. And behind the scenes they were lying and taking advantage of a man who only wanted to live and have the things that seemed reasonable: a home, a companion, and some set of interests to follow when not working. Maybe some ambition in there as well but it’s evident that only the most evil people truly thrive and then only a small subsection of them. And now I wander back through looking at what amounts to moving museum pieces of trash all standing in the same places telling the same lies and in some cases so inane and stupid they think this benefits them. That the destruction of all the light in the world availed them somehow. Definition of pathetic.2 -
Why there are so many bugs in angular? Why the fuck zoneJS freaks out when asyncValidator and *ngIf depend on the same observable. Fuck me4
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You know what I hate ? All this creepy shit they altered everything into once the thick glass wearing ugly freaks started showing up. All the unpleasantness and unhappiness and creepy things only someone who was stopping a few minutes to murder or rape someone or get fucked by a dog would like. Feel free to take them this content don't want to be around it and I'm sick of it2
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You know I got rufied in two places named west Chester and woke up back home
One was in Il one was in Pa
Why are towns with that name filled with fucker up freaks specifically ?
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