Details
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Skillsjs, node, c++, java
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LocationIndonesia
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Github
Joined devRant on 6/11/2016
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We need more JS devs for our frontend.
After half a year of PM complaining that he doesn’t find devs, he finally came back to us:
„Sorry guys, I found two devs, but they are not Java developers, they only do JavaScript“
Me:
Team:
*both speechless*
TeamLead: „... wait, you searched for Java devs half a year?“25 -
Some empty-headed helpdesk girl skipped into our office yesterday afternoon, despite the big scary warning signs glued to the door.
"Hey, when I log in on my phone, the menu is looking weird"
"Uh... look at my beard"
"What"
"Just look at this beard!"
"Uh.... OK"
"Does this look like a perfectly groomed beard"
"Uh... it's pretty nice I guess"
"You don't have to lie"
She looks puzzled: "OK... maybe it could use a little trimming. Uh... a lot of trimming". "I still like it though" she adds, trying hard to be polite.
"I understand you just started working here. But the beard... the beard should make it clear. See the office opposite to this one?"
"Yeah"
"Perfectly groomed ginger beards. It's all stylish shawls and smiles and spinach smoothies. Those people are known as frontend developers, they care about pixels and menus. Now look at my beard. It is dark and wild, it has some gray stress hairs, and if you take a deep breath it smells like dust and cognac mixed with the tears caused by failed deploys. Nothing personal, but I don't give a fuck what a menu looks like on your phone."
She looked around, and noticed the other 2 tired looking guys with unshaven hobo chins. To her credit, she pointed at the woman in the corner: "What about her, she doesn't seem to have a beard"
Yulia, 1.9m long muscled database admin from Ukraine, lets out a heavy sigh. "I do not know you well enough yet to show you where I grow my unkempt graying hairs... . Now get lost divchyna."
Helpdesk girl leaves the scene.
Joanna, machine learning dev, walks in: "I saw a confused blonde lost in the hallway, did you give her the beard speech?"
"Yeah" -- couldn't hold back a giggle -- "haha now she'll come to you"
Joanna: "No I already took care of it"
"How?"
"She started about some stupid menu, so I just told her to smell my cup". Joanna, functional alcoholic, is holding her 4pm Irish coffee. "I think this living up to our stereotype tactic is working, because the girl laughed and nodded like she understood, and ran off to the design department"
Me: "I do miss shaving though"68 -
Hi, I am a Javascript apprentice. Can you help me with my project?
- Sure! What do you need?
Oh, it’s very simple, I just want to make a static webpage that shows a clock with the real time.
- Wait, why static? Why not dynamic?
I don’t know, I guess it’ll be easier.
- Well, maybe, but that’s boring, and if that’s boring you are not going to put in time, and if you’re not going to put in time, it’s going to be harder; so it’s better to start with something harder in order to make it easier.
You know that doesn’t make sense right?
- When you learn Javascript you’ll get it.
Okay, so I want to parse this date first to make the clock be universal for all the regions.
- You’re not going to do that by yourself right? You know what they say, don’t repeat yourself!
But it’s just two lines.
- Don’t reinvent the wheel!
Literally, Javascript has a built in library for t...
- One component per file!
I’m lost.
- It happens, and you’ll get lost managing your files as well. You should use Webpack or Browserify for managing your modules.
Doesn’t Javascript include that already?
- Yes, but some people still have previous versions of ECMAScript, so it wouldn’t be compatible.
What’s ECMAScript?
- Javascript
Why is it called ECMAScript then?
- It’s called both ways. Anyways, after you install Webpack to manage your modules, you still need a module and dependency manager, such as bower, or node package manager or yarn.
What does that have to do with my page?
- So you can install AngularJS.
What’s AngularJS?
- A Javascript framework that allows you to do complex stuff easily, such as two way data binding!
Oh, that’s great, so if I modify one sentence on a part of the page, it will automatically refresh the other part of the page which is related to the first one and viceversa?
- Exactly! Except two way data binding is not recommended, since you don’t want child components to edit the parent components of your app.
Then why make two way data binding in the first place?
- It’s backed up by Google. You just don’t get it do you?
I have installed AngularJS now, but it seems I have to redefine something called a... directive?
- AngularJS is old now, you should start using Angular, aka Angular 2.
But it’s the same name... wtf! Only 3 minutes have passed since we started talking, how are they in Angular 2 already?
- You mean 3.
2.
- 3.
4?
- 5.
6?
- Exactly.
Okay, I now know Angular 6.0, and use a component based architecture using only a one way data binding, I have read and started using the Design Patterns already described to solve my problem without reinventing the wheel using libraries such as lodash and D3 for a world map visualization of my clock as well as moment to parse the dates correctly. I also used ECMAScript 6 with Babel to secure backwards compatibility.
- That’s good.
Really?
- Yes, except you didn’t concatenate your html into templates that can be under a super Javascript file which can, then, be concatenated along all your Javascript files and finally be minimized in order to reduce latency. And automate all that process using Gulp while testing every single unit of your code using Jasmine or protractor or just the Angular built in unit tester.
I did.
- But did you use TypeScript?37 -
*Mom shows me laptop ad of 3000 bucks with the most overkill specs ever*
Mom: "Son, will this laptop run Google?"
Me: "Do you want to surf Google or actually run Google's server?"
Mom: *looks confused*
"I also want to use Fesabook on it"
Me: *brings her a 5 year old laptop with a new ssd in it*
*has an old i3, 8gb ram and no gpu*
Mom: "This laptop is super fast! Thanks son!"
*One hour later*
*Mom calls*
"Son, I think the laptop broke"
Me: "What? What happened?"
Mom: "I pressed a button and now all the keys are lighting red" (backlit keyboard)
Me: "You can choose the color of your keyboard mom"
Mom: "Ooh! How do I make it pink?"
Me: "You can only choose between red and blue..."
Mom: "What a ripoff"
*Hangs up the phone*34 -
What the fuck Visual Studio? Last day my app was compiling succesfully. I DID NOT CHANGE ANY SINGLE FUCKING THING BEFORE I LEFT OFFICE. Today it refused to compile. It didn't even show the source of error, just says missing a reference.
- Clean solution, rebuild. Compile error
- Close VS re-open project. Compile error.
- Restart computer. Compile error.
- Close VS re-open project. Compile succesfully.
WHAT THE FUCK DID JUST HAPPEN? I could't believe it if it didn't happen to me. Is this shit compiling just by luck or what?5 -
After spending a few months on this site, what strikes me the most, is how unhappy a lot of programmers are.
It kind of makes me sad to see so many of you struggle with office politics bullshit everyday.
I have a confession to make.
I've never had a programming job, or freelanced, yet I have made a very comfortable living with programming and marketing for the past 20 years.
I make my living by finding niches where there is shit software, and creating a better alarm clock.
The first 5-10 years of doing this, I worked my ass off (throughout my twenties)
But during most of my thirties, I barely had to
work to keep it all up. I get residual income still
from stuff I did 10 years ago.
I'm curious if anyone at all would be interested in learning how to do this, quitting their job, for example, or, just having the freedom to write your own code without answering to anybody but your own customers. Many of whom you never have to talk to, they go to your site, they buy, and rarely ever send emails (if you do it right)
Everybody here has knowledge that is so bankable, yet they seem to just surrender to
asshole bosses and clients. It doesn't have to
be like that.
If you'd be interested in this, please ++ this.
I'm thinking of creating an online course about creating and marketing your own software, specifically for programmers like you guys. and girls.
I genuinely just want to see if there's interest. I hope that's ok.63 -
*Builds a web component for a client website*
CLIENT: I don't like it, can I have it a tiny bit over to the right more
ME: Taps the arrow key a few times making it look like I'm doing something.(Which actually does nothing)
Client: 👌Perfect
😂😂😂 Wut 😂😂😂20 -
I fucked up hard for the first time yesterday at work.
Came in and expected a huge speech from the bossman.
He called me to his office:
Explained me where I went wrong and what I should do next time with a big smile on his face!24 -
Thanks! For the reminder :D
Got this result when searching for localhost:3000.
People are awesome!!5 -
Just called Asus for a problem with my router, went to send them my systemlog.txt for analysis
"Oh we don't have an email you can send that to"
Me: "(me calling bullshit) let me talk to the tech team.."
*Get transferred*
"Hello this is the supervisor"
Me: "fml"
"Ya we don't have an email you can send that to, but we can use a different departments verification services to get a file from you, has to be a picture though"
Me: "What? I got a .txt file here, I just want to get it to you, does it really have to be a picture?"
"Has to be a picture or a PDF, we can't take txt files"
Me: "fkin.. srsly? Fine"
I can't believe Asus's system srsly. I think it's for virus protection, but viruses can be embedded in both picture formats and PDF, but not in txt. So wtf is going on lol15 -
I hired a woman for senior quality assurance two weeks ago. Impressive resume, great interview, but I was met with some pseudo-sexist puzzled looks in the dev team.
Meeting today. Boss: "Why is the database cluster not working properly?"
Team devs: "We've tried diagnosing the problem, but we can't really find it. It keeps being under high load."
New QA: "It might have something to do with the way you developers write queries".
She pulls up a bunch of code examples with dozens of joins and orderings on unindexed columns, explains that you shouldn't call queries from within looping constructs, that it's smart to limit the data with constraints and aggregations, hints at where to actually place indexes, how not to drag the whole DB to the frontend and process it in VueJS, etc...
New QA: "I've already put the tasks for refactoring the queries in Asana"
I'm grinning, because finally... finally I'm not alone in my crusade anymore.
Boss: "Yeah but that's just that code quality nonsense Bittersweet always keeps nagging about. Why is the database not working? Can't we just add more thingies to the cluster? That would be easier than rewriting the code, right?"
Dev team: "Yes... yes. We could try a few more of these aws rds db.m4.10xlarge thingies. That will solve it."
QA looks pissed off, stands up: "No. These queries... they touch the database in so many places, and so violently, that it has to go to therapy. That's why it's down. It just can't take the abuse anymore. You could add more little brothers and sisters to the equation, but damn that would be cruel right? Not to mention that therapy isn't exactly cheap!"
Dev team looks annoyed at me. My boss looks even more annoyed at me. "You hired this one?"
I keep grinning, and I nod.
"I might have offered her a permanent contract"45 -
normal person: what's your most used emoticon?
me: );
person: aww why sad?
me: you can actually see ); in 75% of my code
person: what
me: disappears();15 -
My dumb CEO just hired an even dumber CTO. The new CTO asked me the following questions...
1. What is GitHub?
2. What is JSON?
3. What’s an array?
4. What is Get and what is Post?
5. When an iPhone is offline, can it call an API on our server to tell us it’s offline?
6. I know you’ve spent 11 month the writing this backend in PHP but can you change it to Java now?
Me: Why?
Dumb CTO: Because it’s better.
Me: How?
Dumb CTO: because it is.
7. I know you’ve started to rewrite this codebase I Java but can you convert it to Node.JS now?
Me: Why?
Dumb CTO: Because Facebook uses it.
8. What is MySQL? Why aren’t you using a database instead?
9. What does NULL mean?
Somehow, I doubt that asshole is remotely qualified for the job.
Fakin shyt for brains.180 -
2010: PHP, CSS, Vanilla JS, and a LAMP Server.
Ah, the simple life.
2016: Node.js, React, Vue, Angular, AngularJS, Polymer, Sass, Less, Gulp, Bower, Grunt.
I can't handle this, I'm shifting domains to Machine Learning.
2017: Numpy, Scipy, TensorFlow, Theano, Keras, Torch, CNNs, RNNs, GANs and LOTS AND LOTS OF MATH!
Okay, okay. Calm down there fella.
JavaScript doesn't seem that complicated now, does it? 🙈14 -
Me: “I want the AWS instance with 2TB of RAM.”
Friend: “What on earth for!?”
Me: “I need to run the Slack client and Chrome at the same time.”9 -
I recently met a young fella (14yo) playing League of Legends. He asked:
- What do you do for a living?
- I'm a programmer, do you know anything about programming?
- I don't, actually.
Apparently he was playing from a LAN Gaming center 'cause he didn't have a computer at home (his computer had broken and these Lan centers are pretty affordable).
I figured I could explain to him what was it and what super powers you could get from it. Turns out I recommended a JS course in codecademy and now he goes to the LAN center every day to study programming (he got really into it!).
Now he always pings me with questions about JS and apparently he's learning a ton! He had almost no English skills too (we're Brazilian), and because most of the material in the internet is in English he found himself some free English courses and he's now taking them!
Knowledge is free on the internet and I guess he's just realized that.
Not exactly a rant guys, just figured it was a nice story to tell :)
#TeachAKidHowToCode57 -
Just got my laptop back from the store, after having sent it in over 6 weeks ago due to a faulty keyboard. I had made a system image of the hard drive before I sent it in, so I could just restore it and have it ready to go. So I get the backup restoring, and at around 75%, the laptop died. I forgot to plug it in.
I am now currently downloading windows. This is going to be a long night.3 -
Want to hide this devRant apps on android but how?
Because everytime my wife see this devRant, she say, wtf this app? So many bad word, so many "fuck", you must avoid see bad words too much ,she said. Lol its true but still happy to see it, because its damn true. I love to see people say the truth19 -
So yet another follow up rant on the Linux job hunting! (yes hello this is @linuxxx).
Got send a list with questions (for candidate screening) and was literally mentally preparing to answer all the questions (I expected shit like Linux commands, kernel stuff etc etc).
Then I saw the questions. Mother of god.
1. Have you ever worked with a Linux distro and if yes, which one(s)?
😶. Uhm I expected some more difficult stuff.
2. Have you ever worked with a hosting interface like CPanel etc?
😶😶. Alright I should adjust my view on the difficulty level of these questions.
And so it went on and on. I think I make a pretty good chance 😆.
I'll hear more at Monday and if all is good then I will get an interview through Skype with their American office!10 -
She: Uuggrrr.. You did it again
Me: What
She: Stop opening the dev tools
Me: Oh sorry
She: Leave me alone with your laptop.
10 min later
Me: What did you change?
She: I tried to remove the dev tools by changing the dragged position to a negative value in chromes config files.
Me: wow.
She: Didn't work.
Me: Hehe, nice try though
*opens chrome*
Me: wut.
She: *chuckles*
- Light pink theme
- 500% zoom
- Font size changed
- Some virus search engine (my search?)
- deleted some plugins
- start page randomcolour.org (or color? (<- me css freak))16 -
A convo with my !dev colleague.
Her: Can i use your PC for a while?
Me: Yeah sure.
Her: Why is this so wierd? Why i can't refresh?
Me: It's Ubuntu.
Her: Man, this sucks, you should use windows 10, it's the latest!
End of Convo.
After that day, i heard her talking to my other colleague.
Her: "Go ask him. The one with the weird PC."
--------------------
SHOULD I KILL HER?22 -
"Oh, he is asking that much money for this website? I will create that for only $250 with WordPress. He is just trying to use you"
You fucking wanker. What you don't understand is that you are pushing the companies to a fucking black hole that they won't be able to recover from.
He shows an example of a website which takes 30 sec to load. It's full of hundreds of dreadful plugins. He chose the shittiest stock pictures to make it look "pretty".
When I point out his fucking shite website takes this long to load, he says if the company wants to make the website fast, they will need buy the premium plan of CloudFlare. WHAT THE FUCK are you even talking about?
Not only that, the example website, doesn't even have any SSL. He is saying that the other company didn't want to pay for the SSL. Ever heard of fucking StartSSL or LetsEncrypt?
It's people like you who is responsible for making half of the web an insecure, slow, low-performance space which is prone to hacking.
WordPress was made for blogging. KEEP IT THAT WAY. Stop trying to make your high-performance CMS or eCommerce website with this shite.20 -
Things I've learned throughout my 5 - 6 years as a programmer.
- StackOverflow is full of assholes.
- CMS's are for weaklings.
- The best feeling about waking up in the morning is figuring out how to solve that error in your code.
- You no longer think about normal people things. Your mind is full of code.
- You're practically a computer.
- ALWAYS backup and save your stuff or you WILL regret it. Enable autosave if possible.
- RIP your social life (if your friends don't know squat about programming)
- Darkness is better.
- Being a programmer is amazing.26 -
You know you have chosen the wrong JS library when you read a function definition like this:
validateSync(schema, options, callback) -
No, css is not evil, that God forsaken mother fucking useless piece of horse shit wanking ass fucking whore framework known as bootstrap is.12