1. Customer wants X.
2. Developer delivers X.
3. Customer wants developer to change X to Y for free.
4. Developer demands money.
5. Customer gets mad.
6. Developer compares situation to ordering a hamburger, consuming it, and demanding a pizza for free because customer didn't like the hamburger.
7. Customer pays

customer who didn't paid for 3 months: why is our server down?

me: server?. what server?.

When ransomeware guys provide better customer support than most companies 😂

Customer bought this in. They "turned on the wrong burner"

Me: good day, how can I help you?
Client: *explains issue*
Me: alright, let's take a loo.... *AACHOOOO*
.
.
M: my apologies sir, that came out of nowhe... *ACHOOO*
M: do you have a second sir? My apologies!
C: sure man take your time 😁

*30 seconds later, nose seems to have calmed down*

M: back I am, apologies for the inconvenience!
C: no problem, it happens!
M: where was I?.... Right, I was going t...
*ACHOOOOOOOOOOO*
*ACHOOOOOOO*
AH... AH... AAAAH..... ACHOOOOO*
M: I'm very sorry, I'm going to put you through to a collegue!
*puts through to collegue*
*goes to bathroom*
.
.
*returns to desk*

*tringgggg*
Me: good afternoon sir, how may I hel... *A-MOTHERFUCKING-CHOOOOO* (thinking: oh for fucking fucks sake)
C: bless you!
M: thank you! Apologies, I seem to be having a snee.. *CHOOOOOOOO*
.
.
.
*sniffs a few times*
- zing attack.

*collegue yells at me to transfer my call*
*transfers call*

Me: thanks man, idk what's wrong with me hahah... *ACHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*

OH FUCKING HELL 😠

Customer at a first meeting:
- "Didn't realize you're a developer, you're almost good looking!"
Never got a more bittersweet compliment.

Caller: Hi, our printer is not working.

Customer Service: What is wrong with it?

Caller: Mouse is jammed.

Customer Service: Mouse? Printers don’t have a mouse.

Caller: Mmmmm? Oh really? I will send a picture….

Oh my god... Storytime.

A customer comes in with I assume is his father or grandfather.

Customer: I need a computer, but without all the internals

Me: So a case?

Customer: Yes, I need a Dell computer outsides, but without the internal components.

Me: Well, we don't have Dell cases, but we sell custom build cases and they come with a power supply.

Customer: *says nothing, but looks interested*

Me: *walks over to the cases to show him* So this is what the cases look like and we have two types, one for a ATX and one for a micro-ATX.

Customer: *still says nothing, but looks at them*

Me: What motherboard do you have at the moment?

Customer: Well, I don't have anything right now, but I'm replacing another computer that didn't work very well. I'm going to be getting some Dell parts to put in here.

Me: O-okay. So this other computer, I'd like to see it in shop to see what's going on with it.

Customer: Oh, you do NOT want to do that. I hooked it up to another computer and it blew it up.

Me: Huh, that's weird. I'd still like to look at it if possible.

Customer: Oh no, it's all wired wrong and... *some bullshit, but stay with me*

Customer: I am the best at technology. My hand has computer parts in it--government funded. *some more bullshit*

Me: Okay... *I try to bring it back around* Well, I'd still like to see the other computer for myself. So you don't have parts for this new build yet, right? You don't know what type of motherboard you have?

Customer: No.

Me: Well, I would get the internals first, so you know what size of case to get, and then get the case.

Customer: Okay. Thank you for your time.

He shook my hand with his "cyborg" hand and I was tempted to say something about "try not to crush my hand," but elected not to. Also during this entire exchange, the old man continuously farted in the background.

Just called Asus for a problem with my router, went to send them my systemlog.txt for analysis

"Oh we don't have an email you can send that to"

Me: "(me calling bullshit) let me talk to the tech team.."

*Get transferred*

"Hello this is the supervisor"

Me: "fml"

"Ya we don't have an email you can send that to, but we can use a different departments verification services to get a file from you, has to be a picture though"

Me: "What? I got a .txt file here, I just want to get it to you, does it really have to be a picture?"

"Has to be a picture or a PDF, we can't take txt files"

Me: "fkin.. srsly? Fine"

I can't believe Asus's system srsly. I think it's for virus protection, but viruses can be embedded in both picture formats and PDF, but not in txt. So wtf is going on lol

You are allowed to be dumb OR to be rude.
Never both.

!Rant

Support Call:
”our PC stick isn't booting up! Come and fix it! (angry)”

Me:
”The PC are meant to boot up whenever power is delivered to them. Are you sure your TVs are powered on?”

Support Call:
”Yes! I just pressed the power button on both TVs and it didn't turn on the PC sticks.”

Me:
”So you can confirm the TVs are on? Can you change the input and see what happens?”

Support Phone:
”Stop wasting my time and send someone down to fix it now! I told you it isn't working!”

Me:
”Ok, we will get someone out to you as soon as possible.”

Then a support guy drives 2 hours to their store.

When he gets there he realizes that the TVs power is connected to a light switch and they has the switch off!!!

He said ”can we turn on some lights so I can see behind the TV?” and then all the fucking TVs came on.

These are times when I fully understand the concept of “firing a customer”.

The customer sent an email saying ”the downtime for your product was unacceptable.” even after it was explained to them that the problem was them turning off the power.

These fucking idiots actually expect us to deliver products to display on TVs without fucking electricity to run them.

After 1,5 months of customer support as a Linux support engineer, I can honestly say:

Fuck wordpress.

Customer: ... and can you also disable right-click to prevent our website's content from being copied?

Me:

customer service

During a meeting with customer I explained him two different options we could realise for his requirement.

Customer: "That sounds good! Do it!"
Me: "Well, you have to decide which option you want to be realised."
Customer: "Yes!"
Me: "You need some time to decide that?"
Customer: "No!"
Me: "So Option A or B"
Customer: "Yes!"

When the customer says that he knows how to write the code.
(BTW it's real)

Production is down

Me to Customer :What did you do?
Customer: Nothing
Me blurt out: The fuck you didn't!
Customer: ...
Me: ...(fuckfuckfuck)
Customer:... Well, I did run these scripts..
Me: (oh thank Christ)
Me: ok, I'll get right on it (Click)
Me to TeamLead: client called. Their prod is down!
TeamMate: did he say he didn't do anything?
Me:Yes
TeamMate: ..... Every fucking time...

F**k Customer

Literally translated from dutch but I think you'll get it:

(Debugging stuff with customer)
Me: alright so in what area are you now, our customer panel or your hosting control panel?
Client: Rotterdam, why?

._____________.

*Battle music*
Wild customer appeared!

dev used Ubuntu

It's not very effective...

Foe customer used Stupid Feature-Request

It's super effective!

dev is confused!

dev hurt itself in its confusion!

dev used Reasoning

dev's attack missed!

Foe customer used Ridiculous Feature-Request

It's super effective!

dev used Rage Quit

dev fled using its Rage Quit

...

A typical demo...
Me: We added validation, server communication, caching....
Customer: Meh...
Me: We fixed bugs, sped up queries, implemented X features.
Customer: Meh...
Me: We surpassed the speed of light, transcended to another plane of reality, cured cancer, brought peace to galaxy.
Customer: Meh...

UI Designer: I prepared these sketches for the UI
Customer: Wow, so innovative, look at that beautiful transitions, even mobile design, just wow

Me: * dies *

We all know and love this type of customers

Customer :Can you build a system that rates our product by XYZ standard?
Us: Sure!

*time passes*

Us: Ta-da!
Customer: Okay, here are some good and some bad products!

*products get rated shit to supershit*

Customer: No, that's wrong. Some of these are as good as we can, they should be rated best!
Us: okay, we offset the results.

*products get rated good to barely okay*

Customer: Great! Can you sign that the system rates by XYZ Standard?
Us: No.
Customer : But we paid you to rate by XYZ standard!
Us: By XYZ standard your products are bad, you can either have your products rated by standard or pass the test.
Customer: Unacceptable!
Us: Improve production?
Customer : Not possible, the job is done when you rate the products good by XYZ standard.

Hi there fellas,

I'm new to devrant and I'll like to share with you my first story.

It was my first payed job. A good friend of mine (media designer in print) called me "My customer needs a website, do you think you can do that?"
At this time I've never build a single page, so my answer was "Of course, easy-peasy".
She told me it was a family business and a nationwide player in finance sector.

I met the CEO, did my research and build a prototype. Well, the CEO and his staff liked it so I finished the website and prepared for the first review.

I booted the laptop and tried to connect to their network. There was none. They just never had a wireless connection not a single cable in the entire office. That was the time I realized that I work for a family business.
The CEO was an ancient guy who probably saw Jesus Christ hanging on the cross in personal and internet is weird thing controlled by the devil himself.

I took the laptop and went over to the CEOs personal office, plugged the network cable out of his Computer and into the laptop. Finally I could show them what I've done.

He took a look at it and called for his assistant. "Might you print that website for us?" That was my second wtf moment.

The assistant returned with a half chopped down and bleached rainforest that contained an image of their new website.

I tried to tell him that a website on paper can't show him the functions n shit, but he looked at me like I was talking two foreign languages at once.

So we reviewed the website on paper and his one and only problem was the size of the letters. "I can't read it well, please make the text bigger" At this moment I wanted to hit my forehead on the table and tell him that it is normal to have readings difficulties when you are walking the shores of Styx.

At the end everything went well, but I realized that dealing with customers is a lot more difficult than developing something for them. The future should prove me right.

That's it.
My first story about my first job.

Thank you for reading 😊

Caller : Hi, our printer is not working.

Customer Service : What is wrong with it?

Caller : Mouse is jammed..

Customer Service : Mouse......???? Printers don't have a mouse you fool….!

Caller : Mmmmm…??..
Oh really ?...
I will send a picture, see U idiot!😡
😂😂😜😜

Me: Your computer has Operating System corruption.

Customer: What does that mean?

Me: *something, something potato chips* and the only fix is to reinstall Windows.

Customer: Well that's stupid! I need my computer! Darn Windows! Microsoft should pay for that reinstallation! What causes that corruption anyway?

Me: Well, any number of things, but it's mostly caused by a part of the update not downloading correctly, so when it gets installed it creates a hole.

Customer: So now hold on... could shutting the computer down during the updates cause this corruption.

Me: It could, yes. That's why they say to not unplug your computer or shut it down while running the updates.

Customer: I see. Cause yeah, I remember that I was angry when it said it had to do updates, so I shut it down.

Me: Yep, that would cause it.

Customer: Okay, reinstall Windows...

such table
very drop
much production
many customer
very pissed

Customer: I don't see why you cant just make me something like Facebook for $300 this is ridiculous

Me: ...

"Be ready now! We're launching our new product at 0800!"

28 hours later, one registered customer

Well, customer is always right......

Dear Telekom,

Fuck you.

Kind regards,
a disappointed customer

Me: my internet stopped working.
Support: Did u try plugging in your monitor?

Overheard an Apple store guy helping a customer who had unknowingly encrypted his phone:

Apple Guy: Do you work for the government?
Customer: Na.
Apple Guy: Well, don't bother encrypting your phone.
Me: WTF! Wow....

when the customer says: "we want this but better and cheaper"

Typical day in IT Support :P

Customer: "I want this."
Dev: "Cool! We can do that!"
*delivers product according to spec*
Customer: "Hmm, now that I see it, I want something else instead.."
Dev: "git reset --hard origin/ifreakingknewit"

"The customer is always right"

With an error rate of +-99.98%

DX is more important than UX.

First make sure that your developer has the best experience, he will make sure that your users have the best experience.

"If you're not paying for it, you're not the customer, you're the product"

Writing customer passwords fulltext into the prod database because "it's easier to associate them with the user"

Customer service fun!

*remotes in to see customer's browser*

Customer: You can only see my browser window, right?

*now does obligatory scan of the rest of the screen to see _why_ customer felt the need to say that, spots suggestively-named JPGs...*

Me: Yes, ma'am! Only your browser window. You said the issue was...

TL;Dr be specific, it's actually helpful.

Client rings... "The internet is down"

Me "ok where are you exactly and how are you connecting"

"Ugh the WiFi! Just fix it"

"Ok but where are you?"

"At $companyname"

"Ok and which wi..."

"The wifi?!! Can you do anything right?"

Well... I'm allowed flexibility in terms of pleasantry...

"Ok, there are 3 buildings, 55 rooms, 2 SSID's, 17 access points, 3 routers a RADIUS server and 2 gateways... Be specific or I'll do nothing"

Simple reboot of an access point, but c'mon... It's not a secret where you are

Actual rant time. And oh boy, is it pissy.

If you've read my posts, you've caught glimpses of this struggle. And it's come to quite a head.

First off, let it be known that WINDOWS Boot Manager ate GRUB, not the other way around. Windows was the instigator here. And when I reinstalled GRUB, Windows threw a tantrum and won't boot anymore. I went through every obvious fix, everything tech support would ever think of, before I called them. I just got this laptop this week, so it must be in warranty, right? Wrong. The reseller only accepts it unopened, and the manufacturer only covers hardware issues. I found this after screaming past a pretty idiotic 'customer representative' ("Thank you for answering basic questions. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for repeating obvious information I didn't catch the first three times you said it. Thank you for letting me follow my script." For real. Are you tech support, or emotional support? You sound like a middle school counselor.) to an xkcd-shibboleth type 'advanced support'. All of this only to be told, "No, you can't fix it yourself, because we won't give you the license key YOU already bought with the computer." And we already know there's no way Microsoft is going to swoop in and save the day. It's their product that's so faulty in the first place. (Debian is perfectly fine.)

So I found a hidden partition with a single file called 'Image' and I'm currently researching how to reverse-engineer WIM and SWM files to basically replicate Dell's manufacturing process because they won't take it back even to do a simple factory reset and send it right back.

What the fuck, Dell.

As for you, Microsoft, you're going to make it so difficult to use your shit product that I have to choose between an arduous, dangerous, and likely illegal process to reclaim what I ALREADY BOUGHT, or just _not use_ a license key? (Which, there's no penalty for that.) Why am I going so far out of my way to legitimize myself to you, when you're probably selling backdoors and private data of mine anyway? Why do I owe you anything?

Oh, right. Because I couldn't get Fallout 3 to run in Wine. Because the game industry follows money, not common sense. Because you marketed upon idiocy and cheapness and won a global share.

Fuck you. Fuck everything. Gah.

VS Code is pretty good, though.

After some On-Site Tests with the customer this week, I think this describes our customers.

Actual email I just sent to a customer:

"I logged into your account and I see the problem. I will update you and have it fixed either by tonight or tomorrow morning. It is a rare bug we have encountered before, and we are working on it as you read this. "

The truth:

"Im fucking drunk right now. I know that error. I put off fixing it for awhile now hoping it wouldn't come up because it's fucking annoying to fix. I'll try to fix it tomorrow morning, k no promises though. If I can't I'll still have your problem taken cats of it just means I'll have to do it manually. Anyway.. Gonna drink some more now, bye. "

P. S. There is no we. It's just me. K bye.

Me: "I'll get it done for you as soon as" possible.
Customer: "I hope it's sooner than possible."

Found this in my office this morning

Customer : c
Me : m

*Few weeks ago*
C: the server is slow, it sometimes takes 7 seconds before I see our data

(the project is 7+ years old and wasn't written by someone who is very good in SQL)

M: yeah I see that, our servers are busy with this one "process" (SQL query)
C: make it faster
M: well that's possible but it will take a few days (massive SQL spaghetti that I first have to untangle)
C: 😡 nvm then

*Yesterday*
C: server is down !
M: 🤔 *loads data from server and waits ~ 7 seconds*
M: Well what's the problem?
C: I need the data but it's so slow

WELL YOU MINDLESS IMBECILE... If something is slow it doesn't mean our god damn production server is down !
That just means that you have to give us a day or two so we can optimise the (ALSO BY YOUR REQUEST) rushed project... And save you YOUR money that YOU waste on the processing time on our server...

"I'm confident we can do what our customer asked... I'm not confident they've asked what they want"

Went to make a change for a customer today and ran across this lovely HTML that co-worker wrote.

Long story short, I'm unofficially the hacker at our office... Story time!

So I was hired three months ago to work for my current company, and after the three weeks of training I got assigned a project with an architect (who only works on the project very occasionally). I was tasked with revamping and implementing new features for an existing API, some of the code dated back to 2013. (important, keep this in mind)

So at one point I was testing the existing endpoints, because part of the project was automating tests using postman, and I saw something sketchy. So very sketchy. The method I was looking at took a POJO as an argument, extracted the ID of the user from it, looked the user up, and then updated the info of the looked up user with the POJO. So I tried sending a JSON with the info of my user, but the ID of another user. And voila, I overwrote his data.

Once I reported this (which took a while to be taken seriously because I was so new) I found out that this might be useful for sysadmins to have, so it wasn't completely horrible. However, the endpoint required no Auth to use. An anonymous curl request could overwrite any users data.

As this mess unfolded and we notified the higher ups, another architect jumped in to fix the mess and we found that you could also fetch the data of any user by knowing his ID, and overwrite his credit/debit cards. And well, the ID of the users were alphanumerical strings, which I thought would make it harder to abuse, but then realized all the IDs were sequentially generated... Again, these endpoints required no authentication.

So anyways. Panic ensued, systems people at HQ had to work that weekend, two hot fixes had to be delivered, and now they think I'm a hacker... I did go on to discover some other vulnerabilities, but nothing major.

It still amsues me they think I'm a hacker 😂😂 when I know about as much about hacking as the next guy at the office, but anyways, makes for a good story and I laugh every time I hear them call me a hacker. The whole thing was pretty amusing, they supposedly have security audits and QA, but for five years, these massive security holes went undetected... And our client is a massive company in my country... So, let's hope no one found it before I did.

I found 2 bugs today before any customer calling, and fixed it!
So proud of myself ;-)

Coworker on the phone:
"There. There's the bus. Right over there. The bus full of people who give a shit.

What? You don't see it?

How *odd*.. "

Here is a customer thing :
"can you move the image, 1 semi pixel to the left"
u_u'

I finally did it. I finally got rid of that client in a positive, respectful manner.

So basically, my dad has a freelance colleague. For a side project that person asked me to make him a website. My dad mentioned to said person that my sister's boyfriend does web design (he's trained to use autocad for designing the structure of furniture, nothing fancy just straight lines and upside down doors that fail after a while..

So my brother in law charged the guy 400 money for the design. I charged the guy 200 for the programming because my dad forced me to drop down my price to fit the budget because business relationship and he obviously couldn't let my sister's boyfriend not make more money than he deserves.

In the end after waiting on the design for weeks (I literally saw him do it in photoshop all in 2 layers on his laptop in half an hour) I had to rush the project because the due date was coming up. I already had most of it done but I had to redo a good part of the front-end to fit the design structure. I also had to re-do the design in photoshop to get the images and colors I needed, then cut it up into html. So realistically, my sister's boyfriend barely did anything.

Now the deal was that I'd develop the website and perform any updates/upgrades to it. I'd also host it on my webserver for a monthly fee. My sister's boyfriend was to handle any and all content related support.

At first it was all good, I only ever spoke with the guy when he needed a feature added and he paid me well for it. Overall the hit I took in initial development was paying off. As time went by, my sister's boyfriend started ignoring the guy's calls and the guy started calling me instead.

Now, he had this deal with my brother in law where he could charge his time at 35 money an hour. That's about 4 times minimum wage for not doing much.
Then I started to basically take over all support, but I was only allowed to charge 30 an hour. Pretty reasonable still and I wasn't too busy so it was all good.

As time went by I ended up getting asked to do more and more minimal changes. At some point I had done so many minimal changes I had to charge the guy about 2 hours extra that month and he went completely mental saying I can't just work for hours without telling him beforehand. We decided I had to discuss a price before any change. I charged my time on the phone with him twice after that and both times he bitched about me being expensive and once he even said he wanted to leave.

Now comes the fun part. A week ago he had an issue that was 100% support related. He tried calling my sister's boyfriend but the guy obviously didn't pick up. He called my dad about it, and my dad ended up calling my my sister's boyfriend. Now this guy is so slimy, he purposely didn't hang up the phone knowing my dad would use his cell and assume the other party would hang up because calls cost money. The guy heard my dad call my sister's boyfriend and heard him pick up immediately. He went completely mental saying how he wants both of us to always reply and call him back immediately.

This guy was always my lowest priority. He didn't really make me money and his calls and requests were annoying and unnecessary. Add to that that I specifically didn't want to handle support and was forced into it anyway, while all 'design' things (up to figuring out where and how to display a visitor counter) absolutely had to go to my sister's boyfriend..
But regardless of that, I generally replied to his emails within 10-20 minutes and rarely more than 25 hours.

My dad agreed (for us) that we now both had to reply to him within 24 hours. I was now stuck checking my voicemail every couple hours because my sister's boyfriend sucks at life.

During his rant he threatened to leave me, again. That was the point where I said fuck it.

For the past week I've been ignoring his calls. When he emails me I don't take more than 5 minutes replying. This morning I found an e-mail with 4 requests;

He wanted me to make a content-related change;
He wanted me to give him access to the site's Google analytics;
He wanted me to add a feature and write a guide on how to use it;
And fucking finally, he wanted a 'token to transfer his website'.

I promptly emailed him back saying I added his email a week ago and that he'd gotten an email from Google about it then, that I'd changed the content he wanted me to, a price for the last dev task and a token for his domain name, adding that its valid for 35 days and that his new host can contact me to receive a backup file of his website.

Sadly, I do have this on 10-minute dev job to do, but then I'm invoicing him all jobs I haven't invoiced yet and he can find another host willing to deal with his insanity.

The best part is I lose a webhosting client but I'm sure he'll still ask my sister's bitched parasitic boyfriend whenever he needs a photo resized and he'll still pay him 35 money for 2 minutes of work.

Fuck customers.

Story time:
Yesterday I wanted to go to the theater with my girlfriend. It was her idea because as a student you can get reduced tickets for the play, but only via the online store exactely two hours before the play starts. We had already tried two weeks before but with no success. So this time I said i want to be on my pc with a proper browser and not a mobile version like last time. So we are sitting at home me in front of their website on one screen and with a clock on the other screen. Two minutes realy i hit refresh and I get a selection for the reduced tickets, nice.

You would think.

After selecting the amount. ERROR: Can not get your tickets. I was like fuck they are already sold out because it's a popular play. But hey let's try again. I got one ticket but not the second one, okay strange lets try again, same ERROR again. WHAT the FUCK, no feedback what so ever. My girlfriend had then the idea that they maybe restricted the amount for reduced tickets to one (does not state this explicitly but hey lets give it a shot). Use second browser select one ticket. ERROR can not get you the amount of seats. Rage level near to a 1000 why did it work two minutes before but not anymore. Trying around for five more minutes finally got the second ticket.

Now the real fun begins.

Proceeding to checkout should not be that hard you would think, but you need to be registered for that. Okay so let's do that. The salutation is not required neither is the address for the tickets but you need to have a company name??!!!!! The fuck?? I am not self employed and neither are a most other people around here so why is this field mandatory? Beeing a little under stress I decided to found the "asdf" company with my girlfriend.

Now one would think checking out is easy. Not so fast.

After accepting the terms of service another ERROR, unable to accept your data. What data? I did not input anything new? Where does this come from? Ok never mind I am going to pay with credid card that must work!
ERROR: Internal paymentservice initialization failure! Sorry what? I thought maybe I was to long idle in this browser and they do not reserve the tickets for so long (which would be no surprise to me at this point). Let's try again. Nope same error.

Now my rage level was really over 9000 but we really wanted to go so I decided to call the customer SUPPORT. Or better to say I had a answering maching telling me for ten minutes how sorry they are that this takes so long, yeah you bet. Then and this is now really great: the support guy asks me: "What error do you see? Internal paymentservice initialization failure?" I was like, okay he knows this so they need to know how to handle it. FUCK NO. "Sorry I can't help you. This is our payment system maybe they (IT) are doing some maintenance I can't halp you. Call the theater directly good day." Sorry what just happened, you fuckers are the vendors for the tickets for nearly all big events around here and the theater explicitly states to call you for tickets but you can not help me? Like hell.

This process took 25 very frustrating minutes and I was really angry and wanted to quit, then I saw that there is also a paypal option which I had not tried. With very little hope i selected everything for the payment, registered with paypal and they told me I already had an account. So reactivated this five year old account payed with all the mobile passwords and tans to finally, after 30 fucking minutes, get a pdf file for a ticket. Repeated the last step for the second ticket and with some time left to get there we were off.

When the customer constantly changes his mind.

Customer.... I keep getting this error code
Me.... Deletes message box
Customer.... Wow you fixed that quick
Me.... That's why you pay us.

customer: make it black
me: if i make it black, text will be unreadable, also it doesnt fit with theme
customer: i dont care make it back
me: -makes it-
customer: it didnt fit with theme, revert it back

p2p working with people outside tech industry

Customer: How much costs custom developed software?
Me: How much costs a car?
Customer: Depends on which car...
Me: Exactly.

Yeah sure, you can have your site files and database. Host it yourself. Get your cousin to maintain it. Go ahead. Yeah, sure, you're gonna do ~really~ well. Bye bye, ya micro-managing fuck nugget :D

Dear customer,
as our services are completely free and we do not get paid for working, we beg you to understand, that there are some things you have to tolerate.

1. We are DEFINITELY not going to work 24/7 for you and answer immediately anytime. Only because it's 3pm in your country doesn't mean it's 3pm in our country!

2. We will NOT waste any time figuring out your gibberish and translate your language to our language or whatever, you have to be able to understand English anyways because our website and rules and everything is English!

3. Speaking of rules, READ THEM, I'm sick of explaining to you why you are banned, what do you think FAQs are made for?!

4. STOP SPAMMING AND TAGGING ME FFS. First we have a support chat so you can leave a message there and somebody will read it eventually AND SECONDLY I'M NOT THE ONLY SUPPORTER SO STOP BUGGING ME.

5. READ THE FUCKING MESSAGES I WRITE!

geez.. I just lost it for a second... okay.. gotta go now, I got 20 new messages since I started writing this rant.

Developer: Hello
Customer: Hi, Bug Fixed!! Thanks!!
Developer: 😳 (I did nothing 😂)

Beware of auto-generated customer references...

Things that never happen
Customer: I really am happy with the service. The 99.999% availability is great. I completely understand that downtimes are necessary to keep the system up to date....

So I took on a fairly big project and poured my heart and soul into it, was the biggest thing I did yet. I kept on sending beta's to the customer after each change for review! Kept on insisting that they review it, the answer was always "this looks amazing keep doing what you're doing"! After I finished and pushed everything to production.

They didn't use it for nearly 6 months! And then out of the blue they call me saying that half of the app is wrong.. WTF? Where was this information during testing! I informed them that the changes would take some time since I need to do migrations and change the whole database schema.

In which they replied "but you already finished it once won't changing things make it easier? We shouldn't pay for your mistakes"
I don't know how I handled that but they should be thankful they were half way across the country 😠😠😠😠

Customer: CSS is not loading on [specific phone model & browser], here's a screenshot

Fuck public transportation. Seriously. It's usually disgusting, too hot, too cold, to expensive and not customer Friendly.

This is no meme, this is an actual customer support ticket we got :)

Our PM is on vacation. And our CTO/CEO takes control of the PM role.

So today he decided it was time to just start a customer change request. Regardless of the customer not having approved the actual solution and estimate.

He just said that he did not want to waste any more time talking to the customer. Now they are gonna get what ever he thinks they want.

I predict this to backfire in a fabulous way. What could possible go wrong🤔

Client : hey why does your app minimize once I receive a call? Fix this ASAP! Also why does it show *that*? I have not turned anything on!

Me : Sorry, not possible (explains), you might want to contact Google (for the lolz). Also, the feature is shown by default, you can turn it off via Menu - Settings - Navigation - xxx.

Client : Can you make the incoming call popup smaller when using your app?

Me : Unfortunately no, that's not something I can do. Contact LG.

Client : I have been to Menu - Settings - Map - XXX and the feature is still shown, why does your software not work? Also *this and that* is not shown anymore!

Me : You turned off the wrong thing... *jumps out of the window* *contemplates life* *cries* *dies*

Me to customer, several years ago:
Your server is over 10 years old, and the support for it will soon be gone together with the possibility to take backups. You should upgrade your website ASAP.

Customer said:
ok, we will look into it.

This day:
Customer:
Hi, our site is down and we need backups from yesterday. Can you please fix?

Me:
Sorry, no. *send copy of the email several years ago*

This happened a while back but thought it would be an interesting story.

So there is this guy, I'll call him Jack. Jack was a weirdo. He just graduated high school but thought of himself as very hot in terms of dev skills. He boasted lots of good programs, that are the best in industry, except they don't work (like the best proven file compressor, that just can't decompress anything because of some "bugs"). He also entered language holy wars quite actively, saying that Delphi is the best platform ever.

Aaanyway, a couple of years pass. Jack is now a student. Jack tries to make some money, so he talks to some guy, that offers him a "job" at the tax office, where he has to modernize the data infrastructure of the tax authorities. If you think this sounds very wrong, then you're 100% correct. But it gets better. After 2 months of work, the guy manages to do that. It's a simple CRUD application after all.

So everything works, but the guy who gave him this job refused to pay. He stalled and then just stopped answering the phone. Jack is now furious. So what he does, is publish the databases online, so everyone could see the income of every citizen. Authorities are in panic. They send the police to his door. They seize his computer and lock him up for a few days.

To sum it all up: Jack took up a job, without any contract, without any NDA, which is completely illegal in of itself, but he did that with the tax authority. And delivered the product before getting paid. And when he understood that he was owned, he published all online. He got bit back. The guy who gave him this job had no consequences for illegally hiring someone and not paying for their work.

Lesson: Don't be Jack

Customer: I keep getting your newsletter with my password in it.

Me: What?

I look through the accounts. The customer had set their name as their password... a year ago.

Customer: Can you create a social network for me in a month for $300? 😑

Saw this on the interwebs. Left: customer. Right: employee.

The left one looks like a nice type of customer-person though.

I like to imagine that the employee-guy does not understand why the computer is not working, at which point the customer-person says: "Oh, I can fix that."

It always feels like a bad idea when the customer suggests doing a deployment on Friday. 😧

Project is done, customer is happy, I'm done and happy. Next job please!

Customer is always right - Wrong

Today I launched a WordPress Page for a customer. Now I feel dirty and want to take a shower...

Even if you think it will make the app better and more intuitive. The customer didn't ask for it. Period.

Reply with #code to #customer

Fuck you gas company for back billing me 1500...I don't need you...built my own heating system...and with my managed pdu I can switch on remotely so its warm when I get home...so you can shove your heating app up your arse as well

"exactly like Facebook, but..."

(customer "spec" for a new web)

Customer: URGENT, one sidebar is odd on that particular page on IE11
Me: *fixes the bug*
Me: New version will be available by next week

One week later

Customer: *does a negative review*
Customer: It is not working.
Me: *verify my fix is working* -> it does
Me: *verify my fix is available on his installation* -> it is
Me: Please upgrade the "Portal" module.
Customer: How do I do that ?
Me: In the list of installed modules, find "portal" and click "upgrade".
Customer: I did update the "Website" module, it is still not working.
Me: ...

I recently got mailed by our support department.

A customer using my program experienced performance issues after updating the whole system; attached is a video recorded by the customer clearly showing the difference.

I watched the video: the old version took 20 seconds to load. The new version 26. After querying the data, it's shown in a list.

The updated version showed 61 datasets instead of 6 in the old version.

I asked the supporter if he even watched the video and he answered: sure, and I'm able to see the performance issue!

At a meeting, supress the instinct to throw a whiteboard eraser to the customer.

!rant
Storytime!

I'm on the phone with an elderly customer.

Customer: Yes, I just got my computer back and now it's not talking to my monitor.

Me: Okay, and the monitor cable is plugged in?

Customer: Yes.

Me: Okay, I think I remember that you had a graphics card. Do you have a horizontal blue port?

Customer: No.

Me: Okay. So let's look near the middle of your computer. Do you see a blue port?

Customer: I don't know. I know the blue monitor cable is plugged in, but I don't know what color it is.

Me: Alright, let's unplug the cable for a second.

Customer: Okay, done.

Me: Now let's look for those two blue ports...

Customer: I only see one.

Me: And it's near the middle of the computer?

Customer: Yes.

Me: Okay, let's plug the monitor in.

Customer: Okay, done.

Me: Now does the monitor come up with anything?

Customer: Let me get to where I can see it... No, there's nothing.

Me: Even if you wiggle the mouse a little?

Customer: What?

Me: Does the computer talk to the monitor if you move the mouse a little?

Customer: How do I do that?

Me: ...You take the mouse... and move it from side to side

Customer: Oh! I understand. Um, no. Nothing.

Me: Okay, well let's bring the computer in. I think I know what the problem is, I just need to put a piece of tape somewhere.

Customer: Oh, okay. Fine.

Let us watch some Netflix on Jimmys portfolio...

Customer: (calls emergency hotline) We have a really bad bug!
Rep: What seams to be the issue?
Customer: I need to talk to Sam, he knows what to do, tell him it's urgent.
Rep: can I tell Sam what the issue is?
Customer: Well, Sam built a newsletter program but I don't have a way to import mass amounts of emails addresses.
Rep: That sounds like a feature, not a problem.
Customer: why wouldn't it do that? Would you build a car without a steering wheel?
Rep: I am not sure that's relevant to the problem.
Customer: what do you mean?
Rep: I would say it is more like, "would you build a car without a pair of jet skis attached to the back." And we would respond with, "we would be happy to add Jet Skis, but it's going to cost you additional money."
Customer: So, how are we going to fix this bug in YOUR software?
Rep: :/

The One thing every Dev should know about:
Never Push to production on Friday.

Coworker pushed to production yesterday.
Customer saw it and likes the new features.
Customer also saw a shitpile of Bugs.
Customer is angry and my weekend is runined

Well not to blame the technicians

“I love being disturbed with customer phone calls when I’m coding and working to a deadline” said nobody, ever!

this happened in the first project of a small software company.

the contract said: project will be finished only until customer satisfaction

the customer was never satisfied. So, the company had to close and open with a different brand name

When you go to check on how the client is using your software or product

I started to work in a new project for a house architect, basically a management system for his studio. Well, guess what? Twenty years ago he programmed some sort of software using BASIC, and of course that means he knows exactly how software works!

Worst kind of stakeholder, like going to the doctor and telling them how to diagnose, because you used a thermostat once.

Customer puts laptop on counter and turns it on. It's not plugged in.
Customer: "So, do these things have batteries in them?"

When you struggle three nights in a row to meet a deadline and the customer goes "Great, I'll test it next week"

Trying to get the requirements from the customer 😤😲😑🤔

Discussing a somewhat small and narrow website project with a customer. Then the customer asks me how I'm going to load balance it.

My initial thought was:
You mean how to loadbalance maximum 10 users??

...continuing

Why not ship my machine to the customer 😕

Next...?

Dear companies of the world.

If you offer customer support over Intercom, and the officer is a cute boy, I am gonna flirt like hell.

Keep this in mind.

Or maybe you do... maybe the photos are thirst traps designed to make us more forgiving... 🤔

HP sucks because:
shitty hinges,
shitty build quality,
shitty USB ports,
shitty customer service,
shitty website

Today a client requested me create a full portal for him (including a CMS, a Blog , a News Aggregator + LOGO & Android App )
guess how much he was ready pay for it ?
3,000,000 (iran Rial) in US dollar equlas to lower than 100$ :|

why they think we are doing magic ?

You know you've called customer support too long when you enter 133421 before you are prompted

Devrant and pickpockets

A week ago on Tuesday was heading to meet my client for a demo presentation.Once in town and few metres from our meeting point thought of checking some few rants only for my device to be snatched from my hands and the pick pocket sublimes away.
I composed myself and went to the agreed meeting point only not to meet my client and they was no way I would reach out to him.After making few rounds waiting for him finally gave up and headed for home.
Fast forward I made a resolution not to get a new device till a week ends and had to roll back to a simple device till today.
With today being the D-day I did head to my carrier to get a new device and once the phone was being set up the customer care agent asks which app do you need set up.With no hesitation I gladly say DevRant and she got no idea what's that then after some explaining she says all give it a try with a smile.
I later leave the store a happy man with DevRant being the first app on my device as I ran stock android.

Glad to be back family.

Customer complained that the site was not rendering as it's supposed to. After spending hours trying to fix the bug I saw that the customer had zoomed the browser which obviously broke the rendering.

Customer asking about our range of phones...
"Do any of them run on electricity?"

Wut? You're trolling me, right? Right?

Today in annoying customers:

"I will not update the requirements with every single detail of our discussions, it will be quite tedious"

Way to go, lady.

*In Demo*
That's great but you know what would be really cool? If you changed the functionally to something I never mentioned before

Customer writing User stories

Customer: Do you have a 2GB RAM stick?

Me: Yes, we do. Do you know what you have and what you need?

Customer: Yes, I have a one-zero-two-four M-B stick and a two-zero-four-eight M-B stick.

Me: So... a 10-24 Meg stick and a 20-48 Meg stick

Customer: Yes.

Me: Ok.... and do you know if it's going to be DDR2 or...?

Customer: Yes, DDR2.

Me: Okay, yes, we do have some. And will you want us to install it?

Customer: No. I can install it. I've been putting computers together for 30 years, so I think I can do it.

When the customer saw my last easter egg.

When the customer demands a project specifically using WordPress.

FUCK YOU LENOVO AND FUCK YOUR CUSTOMER SERVICE
They "repaired" the hinge and it locked solid three days after I got it back.
My faithful companion has been reduced to such a terrible state :(
I had to remove the screen, there was significant stress on the panel.

...I guess I could make a server or something out of it?

fucking hosting company...

Just got a ticket back explaining that "the settings you want to make to your mysql database aren't possible with our hosting products". While they state in their FAQ that there are no restrictions applied. (We are talking about to possibility of using JOIN here!)

Ducking fuck.

Sometimes the pebkac is so strong it continues to amaze me.

Step 1: customer updates pos software
Step 2: customer is presented a perfectly reasonable UAC screen with yes/no choice
Step 3: customer panics and takes no further action
Step 4: a few hours later the first customer enters the store and more panic ensues as the update is still waiting on the uac
Step 5: the customer calls us in panic and acuses us of writing shut incomprehensible software

Wish this was an once in a year exception, untill we wrote a bypass for the whole uac crap this was a daily occurance.

customer: why would i need your service if can make a Facebook with weebly?

Me: ...

Make a prototype, no where near ready for customer and sales team sells it!
😢

A colleague of mine got a ticket today from a customer. The customer complained that the website visitors would need to many clicks to see the news on the site and that the news section is kinda hidden. We were quite confused because there is no news section on the website. After looking around for an hour we saw that the customer used the FAQ page to also include news by simply putting [NEWS] in front of the caption.

After three hours of emailing with a customer I can confirm that programmers are the worst customers.
Customer: We've found a bug in the system... <details>
Me: Thank you for letting us know, a ticket has been created and the issue is most likely to be fixed in the next release.
Customer: Please grant me UPDATE privileges in the live(!) database so I can fix it myself
Me: I cannot allow that. You have to use the client software for maintaining your data.
Customer: No, I don't want to spend my day clicking. I want to write queries.

We didn't reply to the last one yet...
If we give him access, then I would charge them at least 3x for fixing issues caused by him.

just found in a customer website

3 BSOD in a hour at a customer site ... Linux will be installed tomorrow

This customer knows Latin :O

First rule of web design
The customer is always wrong!

1. Project start: requirement gathering
2. Create workflows and prototypes
3. Customer confirms the workflow and prototypes
4. Develop the system
5. Initial feedback : customer is happy
6. Testing and deployment
7. Customer changes the requirement to something completely different and says you just need to click a button to implement the changes

Wtf!!!!!!!

Ok.. So I'm a student striving to be a mobile developer and since the job market is non-existent if you don't have a degree here I had to take a customer support job for the moment/until I find something better.

I was handling some purchases and ask this customer to provide me a screenshot of the receipt.
Send him steps on how to do it and a video demonstration for Android devices.
Now the great part
HE PROCEEDS TO SCAN HIS PHONE SCREEN WITH A SCANNER, PRINTS THE IMAGE AND THEN TAKES A PICTURE OF THE PRINTED FILE AND SENDS IT. HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I READ ANYTHING THERE YOU FUCKING TOMATO?!?!
HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND HOW TO TO TAKE THE SCREENSHOT!!!

Our non-tech customer asked for instructions to deploy our system on any Linux OS. We've written the instructions and sent to him.

Today he sent us an email asking what is this 'git clone' on the first command.

Business opportunity geared towards remote developers: a coffee shop that turns into a bar at 5pm. Instant customer conversion.

Customer submitted ticket today stating that his 404 page was missing ohh the irony

Have a customer who took a year+ to do the paperwork for a minor project. Then surprised when my schedule was full with other plans.

I once had to deal with GoDaddy customer support telling me their servers only support putty for SSH.
Well, fuck you! I use Linux and I SSH with a single command in terminal, no doubt putty is great but get your senses straight that putty is not the only way to SSH when you are being customer support for a tech company, don't just fucking recite a phrase list. Besides, they should understand Windows with putty is not the only way to SSH into servers, juicessh via Android, openssh via Linux, etc...

*btw, before you all rant about me buying from GoDaddy, I was lead dev for a startup few years back and they had already bought it from GoDaddy. Ofcourse they also provide free offers along with an order, which often includes email addresses, annoying support, gut-wrenching quality of service access...

Making the customer pay extra for less work is smart.
Making the customer believe that he has full control if the product is smarter.
Making the customer believe he can code the product himself and still getting paid for it is smartest.

I never ever give out my cell # to ppl at work. If they need to speak with me, I provide them my work # only.

Two weeks ago, went to a customer site. For ONE minute, I had an email on the screen that had my personal cell #.

Last Tuesday - out walking dog: call from customer to personal cell.

Last Thursday - getting ready for work, brushing teeth: call from customer to personal cell.

Last Friday - grabbing lunch: call from customer to personal cell.

Yesterday - in a meeting: call from customer to personal cell.

I'm gonna cry 😢

Just had a customer warn me he has "made" a lot of people, but also "broken" a lot of people... Okay then!

A customer forced you to use Comic sans and now you can't use it for your references..

Ever had that frustrating moment that the customer overreacts a small issue into a big issue? Just happened to me today.

Client: "Hey can you check why we are not getting any software update/patches to our firewall?"
Me: "OK. Lemme check"
** Checking **
Me: "I found that its not getting the latest updates because the license file registered has a product serial # mismatch with their support site. You can see it clearly here..."
Client: "THAT'S TERRIBLE!! QUICK!! MAKE IT A PRIORITY 1 ISSUE AND HAVE IT RESOLVE ASAP!!!"
Me: *Facepalm*

So accurate... and if I try to call the customer care the recorded voice says the same exact thing: “minus....”

So, it's time to fucking rant!

Location: A small startup where direct contact with C-Level members is frequent.

A while back we had a customer using our SaaS product who had gripes about the way it worked.

He contacted our CEO and made a bunch of claims based on bad assumptions.

In the end, he wanted all images removed from his site. I was pulled aside by the CEO and asked if I could handle this for him and make a new screen for them without images.

So I did. I tried to discuss and get deeper into the problem by saying "this seems like a symptom of a problem and not the actual problem. What do you think?" He responded with "That was his request so it must be the problem if it won't take long then let's fix it for him.

- a week later

The problem is fixed and in the wild. No more images. Now he has another request :/

He does not like the pagination on his site. He says " I shouldn't have to click a button when I scroll so I want the be able to scroll and see all my products!"

This time the CEO asks me if this can easily be done and I take him aside and say "no, this will be a big change to our system and will need to be discussed with the team."

The main point I make is that we should go down and spend some time with this customer to find out what the real problem is.

After a half hour of discussion about the real issue he decided to bring in the CTO.

In the end, we implemented infinite scroll, dropping our current product building tasks to service one customer (yeah, it's a bad scene). But we got infinite scroll built and shipped.

- 2 Weeks later

This time he demands that infinite scroll isn't good enough. "If I scroll fast then I have to wait for them to load, they should all load at once!"

This time I have had enough. I can see the CEO is coming over to me to as me how much work is in this. I tell him there are 3 things I have to say...

1. I'm going to implement exactly what he asked by the end of the day.
2. We will only release it to him because it is going to be a shit-show loading everything at once, the load times will be mental!
3. We should fire this customer, right now.

So, I built it. Customer hated it (of course, who the fuck wants to wait 30s for loading. That's basically a lifetime). We changed it back and he was still mad.

- 2 weeks later

Customer leaves. Good riddance.

- sometime later

I am in the customer's store on a road trip. I get a feel for how their store works and they have a different system for making things operate.

It turns out that they did not know what the real problem was. They actually needed a completely different system (from a UX perspective) for accessing their data.

To top it all off, the system would have taken less time to build than the shitty fixes we made over weeks of work. FFS

I guess the moral of the rant is to find the problem, not a symptom of the problem.

if that site if malware free, then my ass is purple and none of my code needs to be refactored.

I’ve a friend works for live chat team.
He told me the most asked question is:
“Are you robot?”

Another client thinking we are volunteering clairvoyant devs. They don't say so in the mail exchange that their problem isn't fully resolved yet, and then call annoyedly that this absolutely can't wait until tomorrow. And they don't want a a service level agreement either that specifies we guarantee a certain response time. Yep, this is totally how things work.

Hit a snag with Grommet UI library. Fired an issue and Alan Souza, the creator, replied in just two minutes. He also caught me typing to Slack, told me that he'd already seen my issue, apologised and promised to fix this.

That's what I call "great support".

The next time a customer calls. Use one of these replies:
- It works on my PC
- You're using the wrong right-click
- You're scrolling the wrong way

Made a full restaurant web-booking system for a customer...
Customer is so low-tech and don't use it at all....just print all mails received without notifying anyone else :(

Hey customer, your idea is not worth 50% of a company we should found together.

How to demo in front of the customer

When you're at the till ordering a plain coffee and the barista SIGHS and ROLLS THEIR EYES at you. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? That's you're damn job, don't fucking do that. That's the only reason you're here!!!

Had to ring the UK tax office, have to pay a sizeable amount by 31st Jan, but I have spent any savings on essential living based shit. I was dreading the call, but best to do it before 31st or you get an instant £100 fine. Well I was totally shocked to find a really lovely lady on the other end, she was most helpful and not like the cunt I got a few years back. It just goes to show that two people doing the same job with the same procedures and outcomes, 1 can be a complete cunt and the other kind and compassionate. Moral, there’s no need to be a cunt.

Why yes, of course Microsoft. I would love to tell you what I think about working with .Net *stops banging fist on desk to twirl moustache*

When you want to run your cpp code for your customer

Story time.

We are all alike as devs, just surrounded by the people who has an idea of "new facebook", but i like how their mind works and how they long for a change, so it does not annoy me that much. I just simply explain how it is not likely to happen, without decent marketing and innovation.

However, yesterday i went to my dad's workplace, because i was bored. He has lots of friends there, and i happen to meet one. When he heard me that i am a software engineer, he told me that he has an idea.

I prepared my words to explain why it is not possible, but when i heard what it is, i was ashamed of myself.

He sells and manages car tires. He wants a simple showroom website to show what tires he has,( not stock-wise. Price, size, type, brand etc. ) and he wants to update them himself.

I swallowed my words and told him that i could do it. Normally i don't make websites, i provide utilities and APIS to make the front-end devs job easier at my work. But i will turn his idea into reality.

He said that he hired someone else for that years ago, but the one he hired made the website in ASP.NET 2.0, so making one from scratch would take much less time.

No way i would touch that mess came from the seventh layer of hell itself, to torment developers endlessly.

Just a simple front-end seasoned with bulma and pure JS, node to communicate with the DB ( maybe golang for fun ? ) and a simple admin panel for him would do the trick. I am excited !

When customer support calls with a complex issue and wants a guaranteed fix date for a defect you haven't even investigated because "they need to get an answer back to the customer TODAY."

Today I bought some parts at Conrad Electronics (they have a blue logo) and wore a blue shirt.
I got asked for technical support a total of five times.😅

PayPal is a fucking piece of shit, I tell you.

So I moved away (such a relief) and had to change my cell carrier for better signal. Well, I free admit that I forgot to change it on PayPal. So when I try to log in the site tells me that I need to get a text or call with a code. Easy enough. But I don't have access to that phone. Mind you, I can still prove I'm the account holder, because I can change my password. But no matter what I cannot log in.

Call support. Go through 50 layers of robot menus before I find the secret hidden option of "Agent" which lets me wait over an hour for help.
I wait.
Of course the agents there are monkeys (not their fault, it's managements'). They can't understand that I can't change my number when I log in (cause I CAN'T FUCKING LOG IN!). "Well I've locked myself out of the system trying to change your number [tried 3 numbers]," they said. "Call back in two days."

Called back. SAME SHIT. Wha kahnt u log in?? Waht exoktly dose it say? Leh me trah to change that fo u. Still not working.

So I call back and get third rep who has the decency to tell me that my account is locked because of the login activity being suspicious (true I guess, my VPN end node is often in the NL or RU and I'm a US citizen). So they still can't fix it.

Time spent so far: 4 hours, 4 days. Call back. Talk to one rep who says that the special accounts dept is closed, we'll call you tomorrow. Day 6 comes. Long LONG (5 hours) story short, the special reps and the supervisor can't do anything to help me, at all, except send me my money in the mail and close my account. What the fuck. It took me this many people to tell me that changing a fucking cell phone number is impossible? After spending in excess of 10 hours fucking around? How is it that the cell number is untouchable but my PASSWORD can be changed in 5 minutes?!

So now I'm fucked, because I wasn't able to pay for a univ class in time and I failed assignments cause we never had any warning from him and I had no way to pay for the fucking shitty ass website that uses flash and has no TLS/SSL enabled at all (and handles fucking payments), and has fucking popups with a lady that repeats the same fucking shit without warning with sound. Maybe that deserves its own fucking rant. It's fucking ridiculous. Fuck.

Don't use PayPal, they mess up everything.

story time:
I use onedrive for sharing some files and shit. So one day one of my folders, which I got from a downloaded zip, caused an error "files couldn't be synced because of unallowed character in the title".
Turns out there was a space at the end of the folder title. I change the name, I get some error.
"Okay, no problem, I don't need that folder anymore anyway" So I delete it, doesn't work, the error message reads "Can't delete folder because it no longer exists.". "What the hell" try deleting it some more. Emptying it before deleting. Deleting the parent folder. I try formatting it before deleting. Nothing works.
Deleting from the online onedrive client causes it to briefly disappears but refreshing places it back right where it came from.

So I resort to my last hope, customer support.
I explain the whole thing.

I get a reply. Oh boy.

I get explained that if the recycle bin is full, the file will be placed back.
After that, I get an explanation on how to remove a file xD

Thanks OneDrive Team, really helpful.

You know when you can't code something, and you start to rethink everything? (logic, life, the laws of physics) Then it works and your like "you're goddamn right."

Well here's my short story:

Been working on some logic for a week now. Client has been a twat about it. "It's a simple count, can't take that long." It's gotten to the point to where some co-workers were underestimating my skills. When I try the old "you do it then" trick, they laugh and walk away quickly.

But I did it.
I'M SO GOOD AT THIS SHIT!

Running SQL Activity Monitor to find inefficient queries. According to legecy team this is how they think they should query SQL 2014 for a customer.

You know this MD5 encryption?

Me too - especially when saving customer passwords 😂

Sony.

I don’t *hate* them, but I had really high hopes for Xperia smartphones back then, five years ago.

So I saved up and bought one. That’s what I got:
1. It was getting slower and slower
2. Micro usb broke just months after I got the smartphone
3. Sticky fragile screen with absolutely no oleophobic coating
4. NO UPDATES TO KITKAT AND LOLLIPOP! They just left us behind!

5. The main reason.

I catch moments with my camera. For me, camera is a vital feature, the most significant factor.

I once needed it really urgent and it just said “Camera is unavailable”. And that’s all. Camera is gone forever, broken. Factory reset haven’t fixed it.

You, alongside with Meizu, turned me away from android irreversibly and forever. When I heard about no update, I literally felt abused. Just like a girl whom random fuckboy made a proposal to, fucked and then left just months later.

With that level of customer support, basic respect to me as a user and buyer and that level of quality control, fuck you and your sloppy bricks you call smartphones. Maybe things are changing now, but I don’t care anymore and hardly ever will.

P.S. it heats up as hell, fucking pocket stove

Customer: Does your program do everything I specified in that mail from 2 months ago?
(btw the mail was 5 sentences...)
Me: Yes.
Customer: And does it do xyz?
Me: No, but to be fair, you did not specify that!
Customer: But that's what I've got you for! You should have known that!

🤦🏻‍♂️

Me to customer: I need that image in either svg or png format.

Customer sends a zipped .docx file containing nothing but an image.

Getting a ticket that a feature is having problems when you triple-click it. Otherwise it works fine.

I'm so close to write them simply back: "Then don't fuckin do it?"

I've been in a fucking chat with a Verizon customer service rep for 45 fucking minutes....

Talking about everything under the moon to help the man out from having to do legitimate work. We've talked about phone preference, what phone's we have, what we want, favorite features, ect.

It's fucking hilarious and I'm genuinely entertained right now.

Glad to know I'm helping someone out.

Edit: I was honestly sad when I had to end it so I could eat before my food got ice cold lol

When a customer question gets escalated all the way to the dev team when it could have easily been solved if those escalating the issue had bothered to use the site themselves

Me: Can you Double Click on the Google Chrome Icon?
Customer: Left or right Button?

When Amazon asks if my email address is all lower case... The desire to make it an informative moment that email addresses are not case sensitive is outweighed by my desire to resolve my issue as fast as possible.

When you share some code with someone who knows NOTHING about computers. So frustrating!!

(Not my picture)

FML I am an idiot.. might end up in a rant here (well deserved!!) //if you are here reading this I'm so sorry again!!

I wrote to our support I need DP/HDMI cable.. they asked me to take a pic of the cable I'm currently using.. WTF?! Don't you know how connectors look?! Just get me the damn cable.. :/
Ok.. Took a picture.. sent it back.. At that time I still didn't see the problem with what I wrote/demanded..
Got back reply this is not HDMI connector... FML, I was so convinced computer had HDMI ports so even when I took the pic I wasn't paying attention.. Fuck.

And before when I was switching cables behind the computer below desk I was just blindly feeling around, it didn't even occurr to me to actually check what connectors are used..just knew both monitors had the same connector (and not aure why I thought HDMI :/)...so yeah, I'm the idiot who is not paying attention to stuff.. Fuck.. Was on a scavanger hunt for a wrong type of cable the whole time.. Sorry again!! And please don't kill me next time you see me.. o.O

Client: "We need a quote for a website build."
Me: "OK. What kind of website?"
Client: "We are working on a brief now, but we need a cost ASAP."

Me: "Alright. It should cost between $X and $Y. Dependent on the brief."
Client: "We can't go back with a range. We need a set price."
Me: "Well, give me a solid Functional Specification, and I'll give you a price based on that."

Client gave me a Func Spec. I gave them a price. Then they gave me change after change after change...

But they refused to pay more than the initial fixed price. By the end of it, I would have been better off working at McDonalds.

You know you are frontend when it took you 30 min to make it pretty and 4 days to make your Customer happy

I have heard that StarTech's customer service is on point... But this is something refreshing and a very surprising beginning of my birthday!

Customer: the user summary report does not show all the transaction data I want to see

Me: there is a report called "transaction log report" that will show all the transactions

Customer: is that the user summary report?

Some customers are nice.

Ive been working with a customer to enable a feature in the database. It was tough, because the escalation from support was your standard 'Customer wants apples in the T-1000, please do the needful'. After several emails back and forth we reach an agreement about what needs to be done.

This is something I'm sure can't be done. I test it in my local install, yep, confirmed that's normal behaviour. The customer, however, is stalwart - he's suggesting changes to the database that would potentially give him what he needs. I figure if he's going to this much effort, I'll confirm with our product specialist to see if there's a way around it.

Five minutes later I'm emailing the customer with an apology as I have unwittingly never known of, or committed to memory, the existence of a distinctly non-hidden check box that enables this exact function. I pass this box several times a week at least, and I've worked on this software for two and a half years. Never have I needed to use it, so my brain just processed it as background imagery.

The customer just responded with the kindest email absolving me of my sins, thanking me for my humbleness and for my time.

I want him to have more problems so I can work with him more.

And this is how you learn customer engagement

Customer: I leave in a week and would like to see the site up and running!
Me: 👌🏾

FUCK HTC, FUCK DYNALOGIC AND FUCK DYNAFIX PIECE OF SHIT FUCK COMPANIES

it started over a month ago, my HTC10 was charging with the included charger from a wall socket, took the Htc and cable to test a new feature I implemented on my xamarin project (see other rant). I attached it and nothing happend, tried another USB port still nothing, then I smelled it. My HTC was burning...

Contacted HTC, they referred me to a contact form and send 3 attachment with it. THE MOTHER FUCKING THING ONLY ACCEPTED 1! Oké calm down... so I went through the trouble of combining the attachment.

4 days go by and get an email if I could resend the attachment because there where non. the FUCKING contact form did not send it after my troubles!

A week goes by without response, I contacted them again, they apologies and promised me to call me the same day. BUT THEY FUCKING DIDN'T after that I thought maybe the next day but no call. After that I did not have time to contact them.

So I contact them after 4 days and get the FUCKING STUPIDEST and not well speaking person on the line that was constantly interrupting me. Finally got RMA and shipping in order but he managed to fuck the entire description of my problem of what I specifically told him.

So now dynalogic (a transport company) comes in place, they should have come to pick up my phone and bring it personally to Dynafix for repair. BUT THEY FUCKING DIDN'T.
Instead they drove by, put a 'you were not home so ship it yourself package' in the mailbox. BUT I WAS HOME and so were 4 others and lights and TV on. Not to mention our DOGS that react to anybody that enters our driveway. he was just a lazy PIECE OF SHIT.

So now I had to ship it myself, what resulted in my paying for shipment, paying for insurance and leave work early to get the the post office in time, since leaving early was not an option (deadline) I asked my parents if they could. BUT THEY FORGOT for 4 days.

Still having had good service from HTC in the past and being a loyal customer for years I was not angry and thought everything would be alright.

so now coming to today 1,5 I get an email that they WONT FIX IT BECAUSE OF FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT BULLSHIT REASON THAT WAS NOT THE PROBLEM.

tldr;
FUCK THEM, FUCK ME, they won't fix it after over a month for a bullshit reason. I am not gonna buy an HTC ever again.