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Customer at a first meeting:
- "Didn't realize you're a developer, you're almost good looking!"
Never got a more bittersweet compliment.20 -
Caller: Hi, our printer is not working.
Customer Service: What is wrong with it?
Caller: Mouse is jammed.
Customer Service: Mouse? Printers don’t have a mouse.
Caller: Mmmmm? Oh really? I will send a picture….
13 -
Oh my god... Storytime.
A customer comes in with I assume is his father or grandfather.
Customer: I need a computer, but without all the internals
Me: So a case?
Customer: Yes, I need a Dell computer outsides, but without the internal components.
Me: Well, we don't have Dell cases, but we sell custom build cases and they come with a power supply.
Customer: *says nothing, but looks interested*
Me: *walks over to the cases to show him* So this is what the cases look like and we have two types, one for a ATX and one for a micro-ATX.
Customer: *still says nothing, but looks at them*
Me: What motherboard do you have at the moment?
Customer: Well, I don't have anything right now, but I'm replacing another computer that didn't work very well. I'm going to be getting some Dell parts to put in here.
Me: O-okay. So this other computer, I'd like to see it in shop to see what's going on with it.
Customer: Oh, you do NOT want to do that. I hooked it up to another computer and it blew it up.
Me: Huh, that's weird. I'd still like to look at it if possible.
Customer: Oh no, it's all wired wrong and... *some bullshit, but stay with me*
Customer: I am the best at technology. My hand has computer parts in it--government funded. *some more bullshit*
Me: Okay... *I try to bring it back around* Well, I'd still like to see the other computer for myself. So you don't have parts for this new build yet, right? You don't know what type of motherboard you have?
Customer: No.
Me: Well, I would get the internals first, so you know what size of case to get, and then get the case.
Customer: Okay. Thank you for your time.
He shook my hand with his "cyborg" hand and I was tempted to say something about "try not to crush my hand," but elected not to. Also during this entire exchange, the old man continuously farted in the background.22 -
Customer: how will this heading look in bold?
Me: Hold a sec, I will show you *opens developer tools in chrome and increments font-weight*
Customer: NO NO NO, undo this. I don't want you to mess up my website.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯5 -
!Rant
Support Call:
”our PC stick isn't booting up! Come and fix it! (angry)”
Me:
”The PC are meant to boot up whenever power is delivered to them. Are you sure your TVs are powered on?”
Support Call:
”Yes! I just pressed the power button on both TVs and it didn't turn on the PC sticks.”
Me:
”So you can confirm the TVs are on? Can you change the input and see what happens?”
Support Phone:
”Stop wasting my time and send someone down to fix it now! I told you it isn't working!”
Me:
”Ok, we will get someone out to you as soon as possible.”
Then a support guy drives 2 hours to their store.
When he gets there he realizes that the TVs power is connected to a light switch and they has the switch off!!!
He said ”can we turn on some lights so I can see behind the TV?” and then all the fucking TVs came on.
These are times when I fully understand the concept of “firing a customer”.
The customer sent an email saying ”the downtime for your product was unacceptable.” even after it was explained to them that the problem was them turning off the power.
These fucking idiots actually expect us to deliver products to display on TVs without fucking electricity to run them.
12 -
During a meeting with customer I explained him two different options we could realise for his requirement.
Customer: "That sounds good! Do it!"
Me: "Well, you have to decide which option you want to be realised."
Customer: "Yes!"
Me: "You need some time to decide that?"
Customer: "No!"
Me: "So Option A or B"
Customer: "Yes!"9 -
Production is down
Me to Customer :What did you do?
Customer: Nothing
Me blurt out: The fuck you didn't!
Customer: ...
Me: ...(fuckfuckfuck)
Customer:... Well, I did run these scripts..
Me: (oh thank Christ)
Me: ok, I'll get right on it (Click)
Me to TeamLead: client called. Their prod is down!
TeamMate: did he say he didn't do anything?
Me:Yes
TeamMate: ..... Every fucking time...14 -
Literally translated from dutch but I think you'll get it:
(Debugging stuff with customer)
Me: alright so in what area are you now, our customer panel or your hosting control panel?
Client: Rotterdam, why?
._____________.11 -
*Battle music*
Wild customer appeared!
dev used Ubuntu
It's not very effective...
Foe customer used Stupid Feature-Request
It's super effective!
dev is confused!
dev hurt itself in its confusion!
dev used Reasoning
dev's attack missed!
Foe customer used Ridiculous Feature-Request
It's super effective!
dev used Rage Quit
dev fled using its Rage Quit
...
2 -
Customer :Can you build a system that rates our product by XYZ standard?
Us: Sure!
*time passes*
Us: Ta-da!
Customer: Okay, here are some good and some bad products!
*products get rated shit to supershit*
Customer: No, that's wrong. Some of these are as good as we can, they should be rated best!
Us: okay, we offset the results.
*products get rated good to barely okay*
Customer: Great! Can you sign that the system rates by XYZ Standard?
Us: No.
Customer : But we paid you to rate by XYZ standard!
Us: By XYZ standard your products are bad, you can either have your products rated by standard or pass the test.
Customer: Unacceptable!
Us: Improve production?
Customer : Not possible, the job is done when you rate the products good by XYZ standard.8 -
A typical demo...
Me: We added validation, server communication, caching....
Customer: Meh...
Me: We fixed bugs, sped up queries, implemented X features.
Customer: Meh...
Me: We surpassed the speed of light, transcended to another plane of reality, cured cancer, brought peace to galaxy.
Customer: Meh...
UI Designer: I prepared these sketches for the UI
Customer: Wow, so innovative, look at that beautiful transitions, even mobile design, just wow
Me: * dies *11 -
Caller : Hi, our printer is not working.
Customer Service : What is wrong with it?
Caller : Mouse is jammed..
Customer Service : Mouse......???? Printers don't have a mouse you fool….!
Caller : Mmmmm…??..
Oh really ?...
I will send a picture, see U idiot!😡
😂😂😜😜
9 -
Me: Your computer has Operating System corruption.
Customer: What does that mean?
Me: *something, something potato chips* and the only fix is to reinstall Windows.
Customer: Well that's stupid! I need my computer! Darn Windows! Microsoft should pay for that reinstallation! What causes that corruption anyway?
Me: Well, any number of things, but it's mostly caused by a part of the update not downloading correctly, so when it gets installed it creates a hole.
Customer: So now hold on... could shutting the computer down during the updates cause this corruption.
Me: It could, yes. That's why they say to not unplug your computer or shut it down while running the updates.
Customer: I see. Cause yeah, I remember that I was angry when it said it had to do updates, so I shut it down.
Me: Yep, that would cause it.
Customer: Okay, reinstall Windows...10 -
Customer: I don't see why you cant just make me something like Facebook for $300 this is ridiculous
Me: ...
7 -
Alright so here goes, I currently work at a promising startup. Absolutely love it; nice, hard-working colleagues but there's only a couple of us so we all have to wear a multitude of hats.
I don't mind being on support duty or helping out a customer with a technical question but one thing that really gets to me is lazy people.
We have some instructional videos (made in-house by yours truly) around certain functionality in our app which can't be simplified any further and they're condensed to about 50 seconds each.
I receive an email from a customer saying that he wants the instructions in screenshot form instead of watching the video because he 'detests' watching videos.
I must admit, I was a little hurt because he dismissed my videos so easily without even watching them. Just because he really doesn't like to watch videos? I was dumbfounded.
Me putting (most of) my rustled jimmies aside, I take about an hour to screenshot and document each step of the instructions and send them to the customer with a note: Be careful, if you scroll too fast it turns into a video.
I receive a response saying he doesn't like to watch videos because he is deaf but he did admit he had a chuckle.
Morale of the story lads, keep the sass in in your IDE's and out of your customer interactions.
True story.7 -
Customer: "I want this."
Dev: "Cool! We can do that!"
*delivers product according to spec*
Customer: "Hmm, now that I see it, I want something else instead.."
Dev: "git reset --hard origin/ifreakingknewit"1 -
DX is more important than UX.
First make sure that your developer has the best experience, he will make sure that your users have the best experience.7 -
Last week
Customer: I want <totally useless app idea that already exists>, how long will it take to build it?
Me: I think such an app already exists, but according to your requirements I believe we could finish it around May 6th.
Customer: OK, but our app will be so much better.
-finishes meeting and signs contract-
Monday
Customer: will the app be done soon?
Me: as we discussed in the meeting last week, it won’t be done until May 6th.
Tuesday
Customer: will the app be done soon, when will it be in the app stores?
Me: As I explained yesterday, it won’t be finished before May 6th.
Wtf????8 -
If a teamviewer sessions counts as "screenshare", I've got a good one.
The company I'm working for also got an internal video player in the webfrontend of it's product. A customer called in, because the player "stays black", instead of playing his videos. It's a player for a media library of the customer, so it can be any content. A collegue did some trouble shooting, but since the customer was not very experienced in IT they arranged a teamviewer session. At the appointed time, my collegue called the customer and asked him to reproduce the issue, while watching via teamviewer.
When opening the media player, it stayed black indeed, so my collegue asked the customer to try another video. From my desk I heard my collegue say "Oh god, no" (phone muted) pretty loudy and he asked us to come to his place quickly. The customer decided, it would be a good idea to try the video player with gay porn. So we stood there around my collegues desk, watching a hairy man, getting his asshole licked by another an even hairier man for a few secs.
The customer stopped the playback, said "ok, maybe the other file was just broken.", thanked my collegue and the call was over.
We had a few similar cases.5 -
Customer service fun!
*remotes in to see customer's browser*
Customer: You can only see my browser window, right?
*now does obligatory scan of the rest of the screen to see _why_ customer felt the need to say that, spots suggestively-named JPGs...*
Me: Yes, ma'am! Only your browser window. You said the issue was...4 -
Just going to come out and say it.
If you wait until 4pm on a Friday to hit me up to fix your problems, you're a fucking gangrene twat.
I won't be taking care of your shit until Tuesday you dumb bitch.4 -
Actual email I just sent to a customer:
"I logged into your account and I see the problem. I will update you and have it fixed either by tonight or tomorrow morning. It is a rare bug we have encountered before, and we are working on it as you read this. "
The truth:
"Im fucking drunk right now. I know that error. I put off fixing it for awhile now hoping it wouldn't come up because it's fucking annoying to fix. I'll try to fix it tomorrow morning, k no promises though. If I can't I'll still have your problem taken cats of it just means I'll have to do it manually. Anyway.. Gonna drink some more now, bye. "
P. S. There is no we. It's just me. K bye.4 -
TL;Dr be specific, it's actually helpful.
Client rings... "The internet is down"
Me "ok where are you exactly and how are you connecting"
"Ugh the WiFi! Just fix it"
"Ok but where are you?"
"At $companyname"
"Ok and which wi..."
"The wifi?!! Can you do anything right?"
Well... I'm allowed flexibility in terms of pleasantry...
"Ok, there are 3 buildings, 55 rooms, 2 SSID's, 17 access points, 3 routers a RADIUS server and 2 gateways... Be specific or I'll do nothing"
Simple reboot of an access point, but c'mon... It's not a secret where you are7 -
Customer : c
Me : m
*Few weeks ago*
C: the server is slow, it sometimes takes 7 seconds before I see our data
(the project is 7+ years old and wasn't written by someone who is very good in SQL)
M: yeah I see that, our servers are busy with this one "process" (SQL query)
C: make it faster
M: well that's possible but it will take a few days (massive SQL spaghetti that I first have to untangle)
C: 😡 nvm then
*Yesterday*
C: server is down !
M: 🤔 *loads data from server and waits ~ 7 seconds*
M: Well what's the problem?
C: I need the data but it's so slow
WELL YOU MINDLESS IMBECILE... If something is slow it doesn't mean our god damn production server is down !
That just means that you have to give us a day or two so we can optimise the (ALSO BY YOUR REQUEST) rushed project... And save you YOUR money that YOU waste on the processing time on our server...4 -
Customer.... I keep getting this error code
Me.... Deletes message box
Customer.... Wow you fixed that quick
Me.... That's why you pay us. -
Customer: How much costs custom developed software?
Me: How much costs a car?
Customer: Depends on which car...
Me: Exactly.1 -
Today I announced to a customer (a shitty one) that we had lost all their data. When I was done explaining what happened, one of my employee turn to me and said :"oh! I know where the data are. I did a backup there". It was after 1 weeks of searching that the tech decided to tell us he knew where all the backup went... Now I have to call the customer again...2
-
So I took on a fairly big project and poured my heart and soul into it, was the biggest thing I did yet. I kept on sending beta's to the customer after each change for review! Kept on insisting that they review it, the answer was always "this looks amazing keep doing what you're doing"! After I finished and pushed everything to production.
They didn't use it for nearly 6 months! And then out of the blue they call me saying that half of the app is wrong.. WTF? Where was this information during testing! I informed them that the changes would take some time since I need to do migrations and change the whole database schema.
In which they replied "but you already finished it once won't changing things make it easier? We shouldn't pay for your mistakes"
I don't know how I handled that but they should be thankful they were half way across the country 😠😠😠😠3 -
Dear customer,
as our services are completely free and we do not get paid for working, we beg you to understand, that there are some things you have to tolerate.
1. We are DEFINITELY not going to work 24/7 for you and answer immediately anytime. Only because it's 3pm in your country doesn't mean it's 3pm in our country!
2. We will NOT waste any time figuring out your gibberish and translate your language to our language or whatever, you have to be able to understand English anyways because our website and rules and everything is English!
3. Speaking of rules, READ THEM, I'm sick of explaining to you why you are banned, what do you think FAQs are made for?!
4. STOP SPAMMING AND TAGGING ME FFS. First we have a support chat so you can leave a message there and somebody will read it eventually AND SECONDLY I'M NOT THE ONLY SUPPORTER SO STOP BUGGING ME.
5. READ THE FUCKING MESSAGES I WRITE!
geez.. I just lost it for a second... okay.. gotta go now, I got 20 new messages since I started writing this rant.6 -
Customer: “How many concurrent users can use this app?”
Me: “web tech is stateless. (Insert explanation) So concurrency is meaningless.”
Customer: “yeah but how many concurrent users?”
Me: “infinite as long as they aren’t interacting with the server.”
Customer: “but how many?”
Me: “400”9 -
Customer: I keep getting your newsletter with my password in it.
Me: What?
I look through the accounts. The customer had set their name as their password... a year ago.8 -
Saw this on the interwebs. Left: customer. Right: employee.
The left one looks like a nice type of customer-person though.
I like to imagine that the employee-guy does not understand why the computer is not working, at which point the customer-person says: "Oh, I can fix that."
5 -
So this customer wanted me to create an app using Flutter (user and admin), PHP for the backend, so I made one for him . He seems to complain he can't login to the admin account which he called me to registered for him right after the payment and weeks later.
With deeper investigation , I checked the log he drop the table where users authentication is stored and blame me about that. Which I fixed it lately by creating a table back.
Later I visit my account Shopee , he reviewed me as "THE WORST PROGRAMMER "
So I was like WHAT THE FUCK? YOU DROP THE TABLE WHICH LEAD YOU CANT LOGIN AS AN ADMIN AND BLAME FOR THAT?15 -
Client : hey why does your app minimize once I receive a call? Fix this ASAP! Also why does it show *that*? I have not turned anything on!
Me : Sorry, not possible (explains), you might want to contact Google (for the lolz). Also, the feature is shown by default, you can turn it off via Menu - Settings - Navigation - xxx.
Client : Can you make the incoming call popup smaller when using your app?
Me : Unfortunately no, that's not something I can do. Contact LG.
Client : I have been to Menu - Settings - Map - XXX and the feature is still shown, why does your software not work? Also *this and that* is not shown anymore!
Me : You turned off the wrong thing... *jumps out of the window* *contemplates life* *cries* *dies* -
Me to customer, several years ago:
Your server is over 10 years old, and the support for it will soon be gone together with the possibility to take backups. You should upgrade your website ASAP.
Customer said:
ok, we will look into it.
This day:
Customer:
Hi, our site is down and we need backups from yesterday. Can you please fix?
Me:
Sorry, no. *send copy of the email several years ago*2 -
The One thing every Dev should know about:
Never Push to production on Friday.
Coworker pushed to production yesterday.
Customer saw it and likes the new features.
Customer also saw a shitpile of Bugs.
Customer is angry and my weekend is runined -
I work for a small web agency. So today a customer asked us a seo report and what was her position on Google. She don't even have a website.
Another customer asked us to "quickly put them on first place in Google" cause they waited too many days.3 -
!rant
Storytime!
I'm on the phone with an elderly customer.
Customer: Yes, I just got my computer back and now it's not talking to my monitor.
Me: Okay, and the monitor cable is plugged in?
Customer: Yes.
Me: Okay, I think I remember that you had a graphics card. Do you have a horizontal blue port?
Customer: No.
Me: Okay. So let's look near the middle of your computer. Do you see a blue port?
Customer: I don't know. I know the blue monitor cable is plugged in, but I don't know what color it is.
Me: Alright, let's unplug the cable for a second.
Customer: Okay, done.
Me: Now let's look for those two blue ports...
Customer: I only see one.
Me: And it's near the middle of the computer?
Customer: Yes.
Me: Okay, let's plug the monitor in.
Customer: Okay, done.
Me: Now does the monitor come up with anything?
Customer: Let me get to where I can see it... No, there's nothing.
Me: Even if you wiggle the mouse a little?
Customer: What?
Me: Does the computer talk to the monitor if you move the mouse a little?
Customer: How do I do that?
Me: ...You take the mouse... and move it from side to side
Customer: Oh! I understand. Um, no. Nothing.
Me: Okay, well let's bring the computer in. I think I know what the problem is, I just need to put a piece of tape somewhere.
Customer: Oh, okay. Fine.2 -
I started to work in a new project for a house architect, basically a management system for his studio. Well, guess what? Twenty years ago he programmed some sort of software using BASIC, and of course that means he knows exactly how software works!
Worst kind of stakeholder, like going to the doctor and telling them how to diagnose, because you used a thermostat once.3 -
THE RULES OF TECHNICAL SUPPORT
Rule #1: The Customer Lies
Rule #2: Rule #1 still applies when the customer is your coworker
Rule #3: Customers following instructions is like characters dying in a movie: if it didn't happen on-screen, it didn't happen.1 -
I recently got mailed by our support department.
A customer using my program experienced performance issues after updating the whole system; attached is a video recorded by the customer clearly showing the difference.
I watched the video: the old version took 20 seconds to load. The new version 26. After querying the data, it's shown in a list.
The updated version showed 61 datasets instead of 6 in the old version.
I asked the supporter if he even watched the video and he answered: sure, and I'm able to see the performance issue!2 -
Discussing a somewhat small and narrow website project with a customer. Then the customer asks me how I'm going to load balance it.
My initial thought was:
You mean how to loadbalance maximum 10 users??2 -
HP sucks because:
shitty hinges,
shitty build quality,
shitty USB ports,
shitty customer service,
shitty website6 -
this happened in the first project of a small software company.
the contract said: project will be finished only until customer satisfaction
the customer was never satisfied. So, the company had to close and open with a different brand name1 -
Customer puts laptop on counter and turns it on. It's not plugged in.
Customer: "So, do these things have batteries in them?"3 -
Customer complained that the site was not rendering as it's supposed to. After spending hours trying to fix the bug I saw that the customer had zoomed the browser which obviously broke the rendering.6
-
customer: "hey, feature X is broken!"
me: *asks for details
customer, one week later: "feature X contains information about Y, that *must not* be"
me: *looks at code, at git-history, at related tickets
customer, one year ago: "hey, feature X *must* contain information about Y"
me, all the time: :-|4 -
Customer call.
Customer: what's the status of the software?
Me: it's a bit of wood work.
Customer: wood work?!
Me: yes, I think it would work.
Customer: ...
Me: ...6 -
Dear companies of the world.
If you offer customer support over Intercom, and the officer is a cute boy, I am gonna flirt like hell.
Keep this in mind.
Or maybe you do... maybe the photos are thirst traps designed to make us more forgiving... 🤔5 -
A client literally just told us "I don't wanna be telling you what I want / require / need. I just want you to give me the best you got."
Like wtf.
The worst thing is they've got but loads of money so we really have to take them serious. They were born rich and probably had a servant as a child who did everything for them without them asking to, and they'll continue to get away with it because they'll continue to be rich and there'll be people like us trying to kiss their ass for some of that money. I hate myself for doing it. They want a system to basically spy on their customers, and I'm a huge advocate of privacy, but I'll still do it for the money. Fuck this world.6 -
Devrant and pickpockets
A week ago on Tuesday was heading to meet my client for a demo presentation.Once in town and few metres from our meeting point thought of checking some few rants only for my device to be snatched from my hands and the pick pocket sublimes away.
I composed myself and went to the agreed meeting point only not to meet my client and they was no way I would reach out to him.After making few rounds waiting for him finally gave up and headed for home.
Fast forward I made a resolution not to get a new device till a week ends and had to roll back to a simple device till today.
With today being the D-day I did head to my carrier to get a new device and once the phone was being set up the customer care agent asks which app do you need set up.With no hesitation I gladly say DevRant and she got no idea what's that then after some explaining she says all give it a try with a smile.
I later leave the store a happy man with DevRant being the first app on my device as I ran stock android.
Glad to be back family.1 -
Customer: Do you have a 2GB RAM stick?
Me: Yes, we do. Do you know what you have and what you need?
Customer: Yes, I have a one-zero-two-four M-B stick and a two-zero-four-eight M-B stick.
Me: So... a 10-24 Meg stick and a 20-48 Meg stick
Customer: Yes.
Me: Ok.... and do you know if it's going to be DDR2 or...?
Customer: Yes, DDR2.
Me: Okay, yes, we do have some. And will you want us to install it?
Customer: No. I can install it. I've been putting computers together for 30 years, so I think I can do it.3 -
*In Demo*
That's great but you know what would be really cool? If you changed the functionally to something I never mentioned before1 -
Today in annoying customers:
"I will not update the requirements with every single detail of our discussions, it will be quite tedious"
Way to go, lady.2 -
FUCK YOU LENOVO AND FUCK YOUR CUSTOMER SERVICE
They "repaired" the hinge and it locked solid three days after I got it back.
My faithful companion has been reduced to such a terrible state :(
I had to remove the screen, there was significant stress on the panel.
...I guess I could make a server or something out of it?
11 -
Ok.. So I'm a student striving to be a mobile developer and since the job market is non-existent if you don't have a degree here I had to take a customer support job for the moment/until I find something better.
I was handling some purchases and ask this customer to provide me a screenshot of the receipt.
Send him steps on how to do it and a video demonstration for Android devices.
Now the great part
HE PROCEEDS TO SCAN HIS PHONE SCREEN WITH A SCANNER, PRINTS THE IMAGE AND THEN TAKES A PICTURE OF THE PRINTED FILE AND SENDS IT. HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I READ ANYTHING THERE YOU FUCKING TOMATO?!?!
HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND HOW TO TO TAKE THE SCREENSHOT!!!5 -
Customer: can you set my forgotten password to "1"?
Me: there's a six signs limit in your domain. You have to use upper case letters, lower case letters and at least one symbol
Customer: "123Aa+"?
We have to set such passwords to avoid customers cancelling contracts.... -
I fucking hate it when customer changes things in the last minute.
"It's a small change", they say. "It shouldn't take you too long", they say.
You know what? Fuck you.6 -
After three hours of emailing with a customer I can confirm that programmers are the worst customers.
Customer: We've found a bug in the system... <details>
Me: Thank you for letting us know, a ticket has been created and the issue is most likely to be fixed in the next release.
Customer: Please grant me UPDATE privileges in the live(!) database so I can fix it myself
Me: I cannot allow that. You have to use the client software for maintaining your data.
Customer: No, I don't want to spend my day clicking. I want to write queries.
We didn't reply to the last one yet...
If we give him access, then I would charge them at least 3x for fixing issues caused by him.1 -
Sometimes the pebkac is so strong it continues to amaze me.
Step 1: customer updates pos software
Step 2: customer is presented a perfectly reasonable UAC screen with yes/no choice
Step 3: customer panics and takes no further action
Step 4: a few hours later the first customer enters the store and more panic ensues as the update is still waiting on the uac
Step 5: the customer calls us in panic and acuses us of writing shut incomprehensible software
Wish this was an once in a year exception, untill we wrote a bypass for the whole uac crap this was a daily occurance.3 -
Customer: We need an app to replace the Excel ( bunch of forms with messy macros and script)
Also Customer: Can I export the form fill it in an excel and import again.
Me: Sure, Definitely
Inner me: Where's Thanos9 -
I make a presentation to explain to the boss why we had to tweak around the requirements in order to keep backwards compatibility and stuff. I take 15 minutes explaining how our system currently works and how these requirements would change it, etc etc.
"So... is this workflow okay for our customers?"
They stared into the presentation slide for a good minute.
"I think we should align this row over here with that square over there."
"Oh don't worry this is a demo. But do you think our customers will still be okay with these changes?"
"Yeah, but these two elements are unalligned and they look pretty bad."
I'm starting to think that fancy speech can deter people from questioning or complaining to you. I'm pretty sure they don't know their own product as well as I know it.3 -
1. Project start: requirement gathering
2. Create workflows and prototypes
3. Customer confirms the workflow and prototypes
4. Develop the system
5. Initial feedback : customer is happy
6. Testing and deployment
7. Customer changes the requirement to something completely different and says you just need to click a button to implement the changes
Wtf!!!!!!!5 -
Our non-tech customer asked for instructions to deploy our system on any Linux OS. We've written the instructions and sent to him.
Today he sent us an email asking what is this 'git clone' on the first command.3 -
PM and UX designer talks.
About a feature on android with viewpager (swipeable views) and a header with buttons.
PM : We need a back button and a close button on the header.
UX : A customer will be confused by both, with the swipe too.
PM : Then we need a close button alone.
UX : Customer will search for back button and not everyone might swipe left.
PM : We need a back button alone.
UX : Customer might not know how to close the view. He can't keep going back back back.
PM : we don't need any buttons.
UX : Customer should find it easy to close or go back.
PM : bruv.2 -
I never ever give out my cell # to ppl at work. If they need to speak with me, I provide them my work # only.
Two weeks ago, went to a customer site. For ONE minute, I had an email on the screen that had my personal cell #.
Last Tuesday - out walking dog: call from customer to personal cell.
Last Thursday - getting ready for work, brushing teeth: call from customer to personal cell.
Last Friday - grabbing lunch: call from customer to personal cell.
Yesterday - in a meeting: call from customer to personal cell.
I'm gonna cry 😢3 -
Customer demands some complicated shit be done within a few hours to align with their schedule.
Me: this is not aligned with reality.
Customer: ...1 -
1. Send the contract for a new project to the customer
2. They inform you that the project is canceled
...
...
3. Receive the contract signed by the customer
...
4. ???
5. PROFIT3 -
Customer: I want the test-results. Format doesn't matter.
*sending xml report-files and screenshot of pipeline tooling report*
Customer: the files are hard to read. can you make html?
*creating html output and sending a screenshot of browser*
Customer: Thx for the screenshot. Ill take it.
🤦♂️2 -
The next time a customer calls. Use one of these replies:
- It works on my PC
- You're using the wrong right-click
- You're scrolling the wrong way1 -
So, it's time to fucking rant!
Location: A small startup where direct contact with C-Level members is frequent.
A while back we had a customer using our SaaS product who had gripes about the way it worked.
He contacted our CEO and made a bunch of claims based on bad assumptions.
In the end, he wanted all images removed from his site. I was pulled aside by the CEO and asked if I could handle this for him and make a new screen for them without images.
So I did. I tried to discuss and get deeper into the problem by saying "this seems like a symptom of a problem and not the actual problem. What do you think?" He responded with "That was his request so it must be the problem if it won't take long then let's fix it for him.
- a week later
The problem is fixed and in the wild. No more images. Now he has another request :/
He does not like the pagination on his site. He says " I shouldn't have to click a button when I scroll so I want the be able to scroll and see all my products!"
This time the CEO asks me if this can easily be done and I take him aside and say "no, this will be a big change to our system and will need to be discussed with the team."
The main point I make is that we should go down and spend some time with this customer to find out what the real problem is.
After a half hour of discussion about the real issue he decided to bring in the CTO.
In the end, we implemented infinite scroll, dropping our current product building tasks to service one customer (yeah, it's a bad scene). But we got infinite scroll built and shipped.
- 2 Weeks later
This time he demands that infinite scroll isn't good enough. "If I scroll fast then I have to wait for them to load, they should all load at once!"
This time I have had enough. I can see the CEO is coming over to me to as me how much work is in this. I tell him there are 3 things I have to say...
1. I'm going to implement exactly what he asked by the end of the day.
2. We will only release it to him because it is going to be a shit-show loading everything at once, the load times will be mental!
3. We should fire this customer, right now.
So, I built it. Customer hated it (of course, who the fuck wants to wait 30s for loading. That's basically a lifetime). We changed it back and he was still mad.
- 2 weeks later
Customer leaves. Good riddance.
- sometime later
I am in the customer's store on a road trip. I get a feel for how their store works and they have a different system for making things operate.
It turns out that they did not know what the real problem was. They actually needed a completely different system (from a UX perspective) for accessing their data.
To top it all off, the system would have taken less time to build than the shitty fixes we made over weeks of work. FFS
I guess the moral of the rant is to find the problem, not a symptom of the problem.2 -
Riding along on a demo is the worst thing ever.
-Customer clicks buttons and things happen-
Customer: "Hey that's cool!"
Customer is now happy and excited.
Sales: "Hey would you like it to also.... "
- A LOT OF SHIT THAT THE THING DOESN'T DO / COMPLICATES / OVERLAPS SOME THINGS ELSEWHERE-
ヽ(ಠ_ಠ)ノ
(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻7 -
Dear customers just fucking stop and do the following:
1. Explain yourself in complete sentences.
2. Read the email you just wrote.
3. Regardless of the content delete the email.
4. Go about your day and leave me alone.
Fucking emails like this, I can't even:
Customer Person A: Hey this thing doesn't work when I change X!
Me: Uh where did you change X? There's 3 places that can be changed.
Customer Person A: No, Customer Person B is responding to the wrong ticket.
- Customer B has never responded to the ticket and isn't on the email chain we're talking about...-
-ticket closed, communication impossible reason "Kiteo, his eyes closed"-1 -
Making the customer pay extra for less work is smart.
Making the customer believe that he has full control if the product is smarter.
Making the customer believe he can code the product himself and still getting paid for it is smartest.1 -
I once had to deal with GoDaddy customer support telling me their servers only support putty for SSH.
Well, fuck you! I use Linux and I SSH with a single command in terminal, no doubt putty is great but get your senses straight that putty is not the only way to SSH when you are being customer support for a tech company, don't just fucking recite a phrase list. Besides, they should understand Windows with putty is not the only way to SSH into servers, juicessh via Android, openssh via Linux, etc...
*btw, before you all rant about me buying from GoDaddy, I was lead dev for a startup few years back and they had already bought it from GoDaddy. Ofcourse they also provide free offers along with an order, which often includes email addresses, annoying support, gut-wrenching quality of service access...1 -
When you're at the till ordering a plain coffee and the barista SIGHS and ROLLS THEIR EYES at you. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? That's you're damn job, don't fucking do that. That's the only reason you're here!!!8
-
Conference call with customer:
Me: You want your customers to see orders that YOU cancelled on them? Are you sure about that? Won't that upset some of them?
Customer: Nope we want that.
Me: Uh ok....
-weeks later-
Customer: OMG OUR CUSTOMERS CAN SEE ORDERS WE CANCELLED!!!
ʅ͡͡͡͡͡͡͡͡͡͡͡(ƟӨ)ʃ͡͡͡͡͡͡͡͡͡͡
Like bro, I'm just the programmer but sometimes we understand things ..... stop and listen for a moment...4 -
Phone call with customers and their minutes-of-meeting writer.
Me: Blabla round robin algorithm.
Customer's MoM writer: What? How do you spell "robin"?
Me: Robin like in Batman.
Customer's MoM writer: Ah, ok.5 -
Ever had that frustrating moment that the customer overreacts a small issue into a big issue? Just happened to me today.
Client: "Hey can you check why we are not getting any software update/patches to our firewall?"
Me: "OK. Lemme check"
** Checking **
Me: "I found that its not getting the latest updates because the license file registered has a product serial # mismatch with their support site. You can see it clearly here..."
Client: "THAT'S TERRIBLE!! QUICK!! MAKE IT A PRIORITY 1 ISSUE AND HAVE IT RESOLVE ASAP!!!"
Me: *Facepalm*1 -
A colleague of mine got a ticket today from a customer. The customer complained that the website visitors would need to many clicks to see the news on the site and that the news section is kinda hidden. We were quite confused because there is no news section on the website. After looking around for an hour we saw that the customer used the FAQ page to also include news by simply putting [NEWS] in front of the caption.4
-
"Customer's customer needs important thing ASAP!!!!"
"Ok wut"
"X, Y, Z!"
"Sounds good, we can do that, for what customer's customer!?!?"
"uhhhhhhh"
The volume of really important shit that we don't have details on is too damn high...1 -
When a customer question gets escalated all the way to the dev team when it could have easily been solved if those escalating the issue had bothered to use the site themselves
-
To provide excellent customer service and provide extra services, we collect your personal information.
Bullshit. You're not using my personal information for customer service, otherwise your call center wouldn't suck so badly.3 -
You know when you can't code something, and you start to rethink everything? (logic, life, the laws of physics) Then it works and your like "you're goddamn right."
Well here's my short story:
Been working on some logic for a week now. Client has been a twat about it. "It's a simple count, can't take that long." It's gotten to the point to where some co-workers were underestimating my skills. When I try the old "you do it then" trick, they laugh and walk away quickly.
But I did it.
I'M SO GOOD AT THIS SHIT! -
Had to ring the UK tax office, have to pay a sizeable amount by 31st Jan, but I have spent any savings on essential living based shit. I was dreading the call, but best to do it before 31st or you get an instant £100 fine. Well I was totally shocked to find a really lovely lady on the other end, she was most helpful and not like the cunt I got a few years back. It just goes to show that two people doing the same job with the same procedures and outcomes, 1 can be a complete cunt and the other kind and compassionate. Moral, there’s no need to be a cunt.
-
story time:
I use onedrive for sharing some files and shit. So one day one of my folders, which I got from a downloaded zip, caused an error "files couldn't be synced because of unallowed character in the title".
Turns out there was a space at the end of the folder title. I change the name, I get some error.
"Okay, no problem, I don't need that folder anymore anyway" So I delete it, doesn't work, the error message reads "Can't delete folder because it no longer exists.". "What the hell" try deleting it some more. Emptying it before deleting. Deleting the parent folder. I try formatting it before deleting. Nothing works.
Deleting from the online onedrive client causes it to briefly disappears but refreshing places it back right where it came from.
So I resort to my last hope, customer support.
I explain the whole thing.
I get a reply. Oh boy.
I get explained that if the recycle bin is full, the file will be placed back.
After that, I get an explanation on how to remove a file xD
Thanks OneDrive Team, really helpful.6 -
Introduction:
Privileged in this context means logged in and have a administrator-confirmed access.
Customer calls us: Why do I see prices in my shop? I should have been privileged first to see them. Looks to me that you did not make prices only get displayed when I am privileged.
Salesman: Sure we did this. May I asked whether you are logged in right now?
Customer: Of course. I am testing the process of placing an order with my test customer account.
*crickets*
Customer: I am so sorry for calling. You are right.2 -
Customer: Does your program do everything I specified in that mail from 2 months ago?
(btw the mail was 5 sentences...)
Me: Yes.
Customer: And does it do xyz?
Me: No, but to be fair, you did not specify that!
Customer: But that's what I've got you for! You should have known that!
🤦🏻♂️2 -
You know what a payment feature that is “so secure even the correct user can’t use it” is called?
FUCKING BROKEN. Jesus Christ I hate it when “customer service” people are trying to sound smart.1 -
Me to customer: I need that image in either svg or png format.
Customer sends a zipped .docx file containing nothing but an image.2 -
Some customers are nice.
Ive been working with a customer to enable a feature in the database. It was tough, because the escalation from support was your standard 'Customer wants apples in the T-1000, please do the needful'. After several emails back and forth we reach an agreement about what needs to be done.
This is something I'm sure can't be done. I test it in my local install, yep, confirmed that's normal behaviour. The customer, however, is stalwart - he's suggesting changes to the database that would potentially give him what he needs. I figure if he's going to this much effort, I'll confirm with our product specialist to see if there's a way around it.
Five minutes later I'm emailing the customer with an apology as I have unwittingly never known of, or committed to memory, the existence of a distinctly non-hidden check box that enables this exact function. I pass this box several times a week at least, and I've worked on this software for two and a half years. Never have I needed to use it, so my brain just processed it as background imagery.
The customer just responded with the kindest email absolving me of my sins, thanking me for my humbleness and for my time.
I want him to have more problems so I can work with him more.2 -
Probably had my worst half-week ever this week.
Customer's CRM system, the read and edit masks just...stopped existing on last week friday. CRM fell back on some default masks for the dataset. No way to create new masks directly without putting the whole system upside down.
We couldn't do anything anyway because they reported the issue literally as we all were about to leave for weekend and our boss was like "Ah nah, well do it next week."
Our brains were already fried anyway...
I mail the reporter that we've registered their issue, will investigate and report back ASAP once we've got news.
Monday rolls around, I'm whacking my head against their system trying to figure the fuck out, what went wrong and how to solve it, I come up empty; Not that terrible since the masks only stopped existing in the webclient version of the system and they can still use the windows client, so they can still work.
Tuesday rolls around, I'm at an on site training for an ERP system with my boss at a remote company. Get an email in midst of the training, I was doing protocol.
Guy from the afflicted company goes and tells me that the issue has somehow spread to his colleague and him...IN THE WINDOWS CLIENT.
I'm fucking flabbergasted, so to speak, since the masks for the windows client and the web client are totally isolated from one another.
After we're back at our company, I investigate, less efficiently this time because my brain got fried at the training. I come up empty again.
NOW TODAY: Discuss further proceedings with my boss, he's not pissed at me or anything, just to say, but we're both worried, obviously.
Then at 10:20, a guy from the afflicted company mails me in an annoyed tone that the masks are still broken.
11:00, we figure out a workaround so the windows client users can at least work again, albeit limited.
11:10, I mail the guy, telling him that although we're still not able to fully work everything out and are still investigating, we've made a workaround so they can at least work again.
11:20, the guy mails me in a pissed tone around the lines of "This is very very important and must be fixed ASAP or else we'll not be able to work at all [...]"
And I think like "Dude I literally just told you like 8 minutes ago that there's are workaround so you'll be able to at least work again..."
Forward the mail to boss, we meet up quickly to discuss how in God's name we can deescalate this mfer.
11:31, the guy mails me again, all apologetically this time "Stop! All is good, I just now fully read you mail, thanks for implementing the workaround, nothing will come to a standstill [...]"
BRUH CAN YOU NOT FUCKING READ BEFORE ESCALATING SHIT
Fuck customers. Dumb fucking cretins unable to fucking read.
The issue is still unresolved. Support of the CRM software lets us sit on our collective asses and wait.
There is no such thing as stable software, it's a myth.
Every corporate software is like an ever-decaying semi-corpse of a brain dead patient slowly getting worse and worse but not fucking dying.
Rant over. -
Getting a ticket that a feature is having problems when you triple-click it. Otherwise it works fine.
I'm so close to write them simply back: "Then don't fuckin do it?" -
When you share some code with someone who knows NOTHING about computers. So frustrating!!
(Not my picture)
3 -
Customer signs off that work is complete via email.
Customer calls back saying the delivery is incomplete.
I tell customer they need to QA better and we can fix it.
Customer is no longer a customer.2 -
Customer: the user summary report does not show all the transaction data I want to see
Me: there is a report called "transaction log report" that will show all the transactions
Customer: is that the user summary report? -
I have heard that StarTech's customer service is on point... But this is something refreshing and a very surprising beginning of my birthday!
1 -
Why do some developers cut corners and add 20 extra fields just in case the customer wants to add extra data? What happens when the customer needs 21 fields. Just spend slightly more time and implement a custom field system that can extend to any amount of data it's not that difficult and you won't have to add a new field every time a customer needs more then you expected.3
-
Just a quick one:
Testing team: hey your webservice isn't returning the id number of this customer we used it to look up, fix it
I take a look and sure enough the test customer doesn't have an id number *screenshot of blank field*
I add an id number to the customer and test it out again. Lo and behlod, there's the id number! *screenshot* *send reply*
Seriously wtf this is basic1 -
We called a customer because that on their server a directory is missing which was important for production.
Turned out that they didn't miss a directory because they worked in the development environment of the same customer but in a different location. For the last 3 months. -
We had a meeting with our customer and showed them our prototype. The prototype had a fancy GUI.
The customer looked at the prototype and said: well, it looks nice but I don't know. In some kind the Gui don't flashes me. Make it so that it flashes me.4 -
I'm debugging an error on the live server of a customer who has a special version of the system. and I don't have the right to login to test on the browser. I feel like I've been asked to kill that lion with a spoon...2
-
Project manager talks like,
Its going to change the entire customer experience.
What actually changed :
Changed the icon of the button, that the customer never uses.
:D -
A customer requested the graphic drafts for a website with a serious design. He left me the complete freedom. After six shot down including three drafts inspired to important designers and one inspired to material design, I decided to make something absurd asking the customer his favorite colors. I am ashamed to have created a design with shades of green, white, orange and yellow on a green background. He said it was fantastic.3
-
When your customer calls you out and asks why "such and such" data wasn't copied over to the other two instances.
Then, thinking of course that it must be my fault: *research begins*
Reply to customer:
Your boss sent me an email that listed data points to *not* copy over, the item in question being one of them.
BAM!! ....developers: 1 customer: 02 -
The $customer gets a device from us, with th wifi connected as specified in the order. $customer connects it to the mains and monitor, puts in the dongle and the connection is established.
Fast forward 3 weeks, now everything went south. The device does not connect to the network, the service is offline. Our first question: "Has someone modified the WiFi name or password?"
$customer: "No, there were no changes in the WiFi"
So the full arsenal of debugging the connection over LAN starts, interrupted by $customer unplugging the device "because he needs LAN now"
After sometime, we figured out, everything is fine with the device, and ask $customer once again, if the config $ssid and $password is correct.
$customer: "Oh, we changed the name to $ssid2 because it looks nicer, is that a problem?"
Internal: "Are you f*kin kidding me? I asked you exactly that"
Me: "Alright, that explains the issues. Please tell us in advance if you want to change something with the WiFi." -
So I'm sitting here working on an extremely extensive project, while eavesdropping a Skype call w/ the customer by our PM and they say that the feature I spent several days to develop *is just a link with some attributes*
I literally started raging (quietly) -
* Developing a new "My pages" NBV offer/order solution for customer
_Thursday
Customer: Are we ready for testing?
Me: Almost, we need to receive the SSL cert and then do a full test run to see if your sales services get the orders correctly. At this point, all orders made via this flow are tagged so they will not be sent to the Sales services. We also still need to implement the tracking to see who has been exposed to what in My Pages.
Customer: Ok, great!
_Friday
Customer: My web team needs these customers to have fake offers on them, to validate the layout and content
Me: Ok, my colleague can fix this by Tuesday - he has all the other things with higher prio from you to complete first
Customer: Ok! Good!
_Sunday
Me: Good news, got the SSL cert installed and have verified the flow from my side. Now you need to verify the full flow from your side.
Customer: Ok! Great! Will do.
_Monday
*quiet*
_Tuesday
Customer: Can you see how things are going? Any good news?
Me: ???
*looks into the system*
WTF!?!
- Have you set this into production on your side? We are not finished with the implementation on our side!
Customer: Oh, sorry - well, it looked fine when we tested with the test links you sent (3 weeks ago)
Me: But did you make a complete test run, and make sure that Sales services got the order?
Customer: Oh, no they didn't receive anything - but we thought that was just because of it being a test link
Me: Seriously - you didn't read what i wrote last Thursday?
Customer: ...
Me: Ok, so what happens if something goes wrong - who get's blamed?
Customer: ...
Me: FML!!!2 -
Strato. Everything about it. Even leaving as a customer is a pain in the ass.
I want to pay my last invoice (thank god, the only vps hosting ever that is yearly. Bastards) and i forgot my password.
Resetting the password is your customer number (asked everywhere for everything) and your e-mail address.
The thing says 'Het ingevoerde e-mailadres hoort niet bij het klantnummer.' which is dutch for 'Your e-mailaddress is not connected to the customer number'.
Sigh. That fucking customer number. For servers they let you login using the ORDER NUMBER. It's so weird there.
Strato: not even once7 -
has one of you guys ever had an aggressive customer? The type that says to come visit your office to break everything out of anger? I had that experience today.2
-
I really really want to change jobs and pursue being a game dev.
I am so tired of our company kissing our clients' asses, out of fear they might leave, making the developer work an extra mile without the appropriate salary for the extra work, which now I realize why we have alot of sh*ty projects.
I think there is a clear line between customer service and being suckups.
:(4 -
I just love customers:
Customer: "ftps doesnt work! It says Port blocked you are using the wrong port! Fix this now!"
Me: "did you open the port and allow it through the firewall?"
C: " yeah ofc i opened the ports on the server! Do you think i'm stupid?"
M: "On the client too?"
C: "...."
C: " let me call back in 30min" -
Telecon about new requirements. I brought up concerns that while the customer's new approach would fix some problems, it would also fuck up something else.
Customer panicked because he didn't have an answer. I calmed him down that this telecon wasn't about finding answers, only for ensuring that we were on the same page with the questions. Customer relieved.
I actually explained the purpose of the telecon to the customer who had scheduled it. WTF.2 -
Today, a customer complained about a bug. I checked their account: yup, there was a bug. I checked it on my machine... nothing. It took me about an hour to figure out that they were actually just not using the feature correctly. I'd understand this from a stupid customer, but me?! FML2
-
Customer service didn't want to refund a $40 late fee because their stupid website wouldn't accept payment and kept locking me out.
So I did $40 worth of talking to one of their supervisors.
Yep. I fillibustered customer service. -
I will NEVER work in customer support. When my friend said that, I thought ,,it can't be that bad". Now I understand him. Well, once you experience how it is talking with that idiots... Two fucking senceless hours. Words cannot explain how much i hate it.
-
Huge mistake on a customer billing procedure.
That procedure was generating a file for automatic billing requests from our customer bank to his customers banks.
That procedure was shifting the bank coordinates by one byte right making all payment requests invalid and rejected.
That month the customer got nothing from invoices (more or less 80k euros).
Side note; only one payment was accepted because the guy entering the invoice on the system shifted the bank coordinates by mistake, so the procedure fixed it.
:/ -
If your customer service is so bad that people talk about trying to use the occult to get in touch with you, your company is shit.
Dev related cause I only want to talk to the customer service because the api docs are that fucking bad. -
after a vast number of emails, phone calls and cross-client tests with a customer, because „the light grey background of the new template magically disappeared“.... I had one final idea!
me: „could you please turn the contrast knob on your monitor?“
reaction of the customer: „OHHH.......“
🤦🏻♂️ -
today
me: How should we proceed with the tests?
customer: Yes
(it was a longer technical how question but the answer was the same)2 -
New customer calling me to change all admin password on all server and Nas and some router/wifi ap for an unknown reason.
Customer: I have so many windows servers and nas'es...
Me arriving on site: just one qnap Nas... no windows server. 👍🏻🦄 -
I've been in a fucking chat with a Verizon customer service rep for 45 fucking minutes....
Talking about everything under the moon to help the man out from having to do legitimate work. We've talked about phone preference, what phone's we have, what we want, favorite features, ect.
It's fucking hilarious and I'm genuinely entertained right now.
Glad to know I'm helping someone out.
Edit: I was honestly sad when I had to end it so I could eat before my food got ice cold lol3 -
So...
Started 3d printing custom orders for whoever wants them, and I get a request for a giraffe.
Silly me, nearly forgot the most important thing.
Needs to be 5ft tall.
Think she's having a giraffe...2 -
On call with customer
Cstmr: What version is this?
Me: Can I see the build number plz?
Cstmr: Yeah
Me: *checks against internal doc*
Me: It's version X
Cstmr: Are you sure?
Me: Um...I'm pretty sure
Cstmr: I'm gonna check
Cstmr: *mutes me and spends 10mins finding public version of the doc*
Cstmr: Ah, it's update X
Me: *................* yes2 -
FUCK CUSTOMER SUPPORT
I live next to a province road so for things like internet more parties are involved then on a usual neighborhood street. 5 years ago I was asking about fibre internet since every household in a 8km area from my house has a fiber connect (except those next to a province road). They told me to contact them if a road construction would happen so they could do it simultaneously.
Today I thought lets contact them again since a complete road overhaul is gonna take place in the coming 6 months. They said that I've to contact them before those plans are made public otherwise they cannot jump in and do their work as well.
How would I inform a company of plans that are not public so I don't know about?1 -
So, we are having a SaaS service for people where they can build X stuff. It is all fine as long as you are using basic things there, no complex cases and so on. Even on some complex - it does work just fine.
Here's the rant itself:
The production server throws us errors every 5-10 minutes that something broke and fails to do job X. At first we were all hands on deck fixing it ASAP to make it stable to later realise that most of these cases were users doing stupid shit. Then we began to fix the core issues rather than chasing every single issue there is (costs are important you know) - funny enough, we get few support requests a week and our 1h response time + 24h fix time usually buys us that customer and allows t o leave a great impression.
So all in all, bugles production is good but great support - is way better. Users can deal with issues especially if they are experimenting there but when they need answers - you'd better give it to them.1 -
Fuck you, magento and yes, fuck you, customer as well.
After 2 days of fixing crucial things like missing discount functionalities, taxes being displayed as 'tax' because some monkey hardcoded the term in the template instead of getting the tax class name and overall fumbling in magento's core just to make this broken shit do its job, the customer emails me, asking if we're making 'progress at all because the test link looks pretty unfinished'
Burn in hell, you two!12 -
Customer service my ass. I wouldn't even call it service. All you could do is check if it's working now. Of course it's working... I've just told you it's fucking working 2 minutes then inaccessible for fucking 10.
And when I tell you that your service had began to loose quality in the past few months you just sit there in FUCKING SILENCE. MOTHERFUCKER JUST TELL ME THAT YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT... OR SORRY... OR GO FUCK YOURSELF, NOT MY JOB... I DON'T FUCKING CARE JUST DON'T SIT THERE IN SILENCE UNTIL I HAVE ENOUGH AND HANG UP... I WASN'T EVEN SHOUTED TO HIM. I was disappointed but not angry... Not until you decided to just ignore me, fucktard...
Needless to say just when I hung up it stopped working again. -.-3 -
When the best event of the day is a business phonecall and you are a developer.
Customer actually gets what we do, is excited about it and is willing to put in some effort. -
When you get that customer's customer who forgets what the email is about:
-customer's customer was complaining they couldn't see a thing on some website-
Me: "That reference number didn't work... can you give me another reference number or something that might help find the thing?"
Customer's Customer: "I'm sorry but you're going to be more specific, I can't help you without a reference number."
-It appears customer's customer thinks I'm asking them for help now... let's see if...-
Me: "Never mind, close ticket."
Customer's Customer: "Ok!"
-me closes ticket-
┐(´ー｀)┌3 -
A pm asked about a feature I was developing and I went on to show them what I got so far. Feature-wise almost finished, but it still needed to be polished and thoroughly tested, as such it wasn't merged yet. Weeks later - I couldn't finish it yet for unrelated reasons - there was great confusion about why the feature is not there as it had been billed to the customer already. So I gotta pull some sunshine out of my ass and bring it to the last release branch..1
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Customer: I literally don't want to do anything make it work.
Support: here is a good video tutorial to get you started
Customer: I don't want to invest anytime in getting anything to work, just make it work.
Arrrrrggggg just use another service2 -
When my company decided they needed i18n cause we had one Japanese customer so we need to support multiple languages. And the customer churned after we released the Japanese version of the app1
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Customer: "no obligation quote: upgrading 20 pc from ME to XP."
Sales dept.: "what? Lol?" *incredibly expensive ME to Windows 10 upgrade service quote*
Customer: *accepted*1 -
I'm only a humble customer service representative in Amazon, I really hate the email editor we use to mail the clients after they call or chat with us. This, of course, means I need to include Emacs on my workflow so I can suffer less, let's Elisp the heck out of this problem!2
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Finally after almost two years they changed me to another team. Now they have me solving customer support issues 🥲
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5 days building the system. 10 days tweaking based on customer preference.
I fucking hate working for an agency!1 -
As a developer are you customer facing? I hate being customer facing as any disturbances destroy my train of thought!
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Okay, so I'm developing a system for a global rent-a-car broker. Basically website + a bunch of third party APIs + analytics, it's been running in production for over 4 years now.
Anyway, we had to connect our system to an external rental insurance API, nothing too complicated, got it to production in a month and it seemed to work okay, except the insurance provider claimed they're not getting any analytics data, which was weird, because there were no errors with API calls, and customers had no problem with the insurance.
After going back and forth for a month, we finally figured what's going on: after each API request, the insurance provider expected us to send the exact same data to their analytics API, because for whatever dumb reason they were unable to internally log requests in their analytics database.
tl;dr: we're doing 2 API calls with the exact same data to different endpoints, because a large rent-a-car insurance provider can't log their own analytics data.1 -
Our system is supposed to go live today, and of course the customer waited till the last day to test it.. Guess which system is currently not working on the test instance because the test database is offline for a whole day due to migration
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Customer: You don't seem very comfortable with this; maybe you could pass it on to another engineer..?
Situation:
I'm a System Management team engineer. Customer is asking about licensing (which is a different team) and has that very rude habit of asking a question, doing a small pause in which I start answering, and then speaking again and cutting me off; thus causing me to seem very splutter-y. Since I couldn't give a definitive answer to his licensing question he doubts everything and thinks I can't do crap. And he's the one who wants me to sit on an upgrade with him because he's too afraid to follow documentation.
His words to me: "Have you ever done this upgrade before; I mean are you familiar with it?"
Me: "Nope since it's not policy to sit on upgrades as we are a break-fix center but I've directed other customers to do it through the documentation I've given you and they got on fine."
Seriously doubt the capacity of some of these guys to do an upgrade where there's step-by-step videos and very legit documentation (never mind this upgrade uses the tool which has the best record for not breaking)4 -
Ever since I started out in a programming job, I have always been a sole developer. I have worked in teams before but it was usually me being the mentor, despite my own knowledge being very limited.
However years ago I worked for a successful ecommerce business and it was the first time that I felt like a junior. At the time I was the type that never cared much about front-end and design. But the senior developers there had taught me how design of the website, and how we treat the customers is important. By making sure that we give them the best customer experience, they will come and shop again.
Although I still primarily focus on backend development, I still hold onto what they taught me. Even now at times I give my input to designers and project managers about design, UI/UX, and the customer experience. But more importantly bestow that mindset to my fellow developer co-workers. -
I'm invited to a meeting tomorrow to talk to a customer - provide advice.
I'm already working as fulltime sw engineer, what should I do if the customer asks if I'm available, and should I be honest that I'm already fulltime hired?
Not sure how to act tbh...2 -
Debbuging options that no customer uses since it makes the logs unreadable.
Formatted the logs and in 3 Years Not one customer used the feature or asked for it.
---------
An automatic tool (like smartgit) for our internal use. Not one uses it, instead they still complain about git2 -
As a programmer in an non maintainer / support role, how much do you have to call customers on daily basis?6
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All our estimated are too high because we build everything from scratch every time, but we can't white label anything because we have to always be billable and a customer won't pay extra for white labeling just so the next customer gets it cheaper.5
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A list with usernames and passwords have to go from customer A to customer B, because customer A does not have the permission to set these login credentials to the productive system. Additionally, the users are technically unable to change their passwords (yes I know, it's a mess there). What should customer a do? Like except burn all my customers alive and punch them...
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Code is poetry. Customer support is rap battle
You caps locking, hell knows what trying to compensate, little arrogant person who volunteers in Wordpress plugin review team, - learn some manners how to communicate with fellow human beings.
If you don't have patience for help - quit what you are doing and spend the rest of your life not dealing with people.
At least be professional enough to have email signature, and not look like some teenager wrote us back in a bus stop.
I hope your emails gave you confidence to keep such manners in real life and someone punches you in the face this Friday.1 -
Started my very first (summer) job as an IT agent in customer service for my city less than two weeks ago and finally moving out from the formations to answer the phone alone.
I must've listened to around 30 calls and already there's stories I could make tales of.
I now understand the job of customer service. -
Stand up today:
"Hey send a kinda mean email to to them, and I'll follow up with them with a call."
"Oh yeah I'll send one like <customer X>."
"Well we don't want to be assholes..."
Everyone has THAT / those customer(s). -
Somebody: (whinwy) we need something to log into nonprivileged technical accounts without our rootssh proxy. We want this pammodule pam_X.so
me: this stuff is old (-2013) and i can't find any source for it. How about using SSSD with libsss_sudo? Its an modern solution which would allow this with an advantage of using the existing infrastructure.
somebody: NO I WANT THIS MODULE.
me: ok i have it packaged under this name. Could you please test it by manipulating the pam config?
Somebody: WHAT WHY DO I NEED TO MANIPULATE THE PAMCONFIG?
me: because another package on our servers already manipulates the config and i don't want to create trouble by manipulate it.
Somebody: why are we discussing this. I said clearly what we need and we need it NOW.
we have an package that changes the pam config to our needs, we are starting to roll out the config via ansible, but we still use configuration packages on many servers
For authentication as root we use cyberark for logging the ssh sessions.
The older solution allowed additionally the login into non-rootaccounts, but it is shut down in the next few weeks after over half an year of both systems active and over half an year with the information that the login into non-privileged accounts will be no more.7 -
Bugs: These are not bed bugs. For programmer they are a nightmare, to customer we introduce them as a new feature and say, “My software has no bug. It just develops random features.”
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!Rant
I'm helping a customer who calls in all the time for support. At the end of a call this exchange happens.
Customer: So I have this game...
*Points at a solitaire icon on his desktop*
Customer: If we open that up, there's this little thing here...
*Game opens and there's an ad in the bottom right corner*
Customer: Can you get rid of that?
Me: I can't, not in applications like this. This is the free version of the software and add are how they make their money. If you did want to play without ads, Microsoft has the Solitaire Collection for free
*Makes shortcut to Solitaire Collection on desktop*
Me: There you go -
Got this build project of a big customer for the company I work for. Zero documentation and the guy manages this is on vacation and this customer is pushing and I'm on leave too until Monday, so everything is fine on x-mas eve 🎄
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Worked with two different customers
(customer 1 is up to date because of active development and customer 2 got his update long ago)
Changed something for customer 1 and accidently pulled customer 2. 49 changesets (needs a db update probably). Rolledback and now keeping an eye on the error logs -
Opinions please. When end user is not paying for service, who is my customer? For example public facing government project2
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i don't know how is apple a trillion dollar company. even it's chat support needs a support system. i had to chat to a human and all he did was forward my request 😭. Apple is going to lag so far behind in Ai, I'm telling ya. Suck a waste of time.1
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I remember some years ago a phone call between my boss and a customer.
The customer wanted a website from us, and my boss told him what it would aproximately cost (it wasn't very much).
Customer got upset and said "How can it be so expensive? You're not saving lifes, are you?"
It never came to a contract, and I now work at a real company ...2 -
Telegram or Signal? Got essentially blocked from Messenger because I was stupid enough to fold to peer pressure to get it for robotics and since I enabled it with a GV number they stopped allowing its use for specifically security checks while allowing it even to reset a password, and I somehow got a security check triggered, with no customer support and no ability to call with code, so I'm looking to switch. Even if I get Facebook back, I want to move to something at least that doesn't randomly trigger security checks and then has no customer support.13
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I just had a discussion with a customer a week ago. He tould me that the PDF Files we are having in our application are not showing Up.
Connected to his computer to look at the problem just to find out That Google Chrome is blocking the popup. I tell him the problem and once He allows it to open it wont happen again.
Customer: I dont want That it also happens to my customers and they dont know that either. Just fix it and call me back" I try to explain him That we cant just change thr behaviour of the Browser but He already hung Up.
Well i guess we are going to buy Google the next week to change his Problem xD2 -
Today at work an interesting project came in, so we need to do vapt on a Shopify store and they want us to figure out how their customers are getting fraud calls
Basically whenever their customer places an order, after that the customer gets fraud calls on their mobile phone saying they know all the details of their orders, address, etc things
Where do you think the customer details are being leaked at??8 -
TIL running a proper CRM and Customer Support channel is quite insanely expensive.
All the services charge per agent.
And if you add their other services like email marketing, the price just shoots up.
Had to pull a jugaad, and currently have it split between 3 different platforms - hubspot for customer support, sendinblue for email marketing and zoho for free custom domain email.2 -
Why is customer support sometimes so shitty? A coworker good a Win10 Laptop (Win7 before) and one program wasn;t working there anymore. So we reached out to the support asking to help us fix it. After over a month later and x-amount of E-mails back and forth. The answer was, you have to upgrade everything (Webserver, Database, Client) to use Win10 (no backwards compatibility). Which is fine, I don't mind upgrading and understand that software sometimes is not backwards compatible. BUT THAT IS SOMETHIGN TO STATE IN THE 2nd E-MAIL. Not an infinity later after a tiring back and forth of nonsense.
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My collegue make remote assistance for our software, dedicated to doctors in Italy. A doctor had the hd completely full, so it can't update the software and he call my collegue angry, saying "i've an update error, is your fault!!!" etc...after my collegue explain him he had to free space on the disk because there is no space, he had a genial idea! he brought new laptop, worst than the other one, because of the free space on disk!2
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It's quite fun when you have slides from your talk which answer the customer's question about the technical solution used in the project:)
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Release is out now!!!
Just seven month after first beta! I'm so fond of those customer change requests. Now I'm back in the predictable world... -
> mfw a non-dev customer shows me an exception that is easy to reproduce to answer my sarcastic questions whether she got any problems with the application
> mfw no dev or PM ever thought of using the application like this1 -
I'm making a distributed system for my exam project, but the client have a weird idea when it comes to the webpage, that we havent learned about...
If customer A (my clients customer) opens client.com/Customer, an API should be used for customer A's DB data retrieval
If customer B uses the same site customer B's API should be used instead...
Any good way to differentiate API update a single API connection by the caller of the website?6 -
Telling the customer it's not a system problem but their end users network problem over and over with proof and still making a fuss over it. What the hell do I do next?1
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I wonder is our customer's tech somewhere here.
Dude, you're great... Not... Just kidding. You are awesome!
ROFL:) -
There's no way consumers like the fake typing noise when you're speaking to a robot on customer service. E.g. "Let me pull that up for you... CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK"
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Remember, marketing does not want a better product. They just want dumber customers. So no need to push more features.1
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