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Search - "dumbasses"
The reason why aliens are avoiding earth:
Me : Guys, the CI/CD pipeline is ready. ci.yaml is our config file, so don't remove it as the deployments will fail.
**10 seconds later**
slack: BUILD FAILED
Me: *Looks at git commits* "Brian removed ci.yaml
At the airport.
Security: Please put all your electronics in the bin, including your watch.
Me: No problem
<goes through scanner>
Me: there was an Apple Watch in here and now it is gone.
Security: Oh, you lost your Apple Watch?
Me: No! I put my Apple Watch in the bin like you instructed and YOU lost my Apple Watch.
Security: It must be in the spinners.
Me: So my $500 Watch is in the spinners being run over by bins?
Security: you have to put the small things on the bottom.
Me: It was on the bottom and I did as you asked, this is entirely on you. Do not try to shift the blame to me again please.
Security: As I said...
Me: As I said, Do not try to shift the blame to me again. This is entirely your responsibility once you separate me from my electronics so you can perform security theatre. Have a nice day.
Fuck this god damn security theatre. Fuck the dumbasses they hire. Fuck your country. Fuck your god damn feeling of insecurity. Fuck Your ineffective security theatre.
Sick my fucking dick until you choke and gag you worthless pieces of shit. Homeless people the street provide more security than you incompetent, under-educated assholes. Fuck you
And yes, I have 2 fucking laptops. I have a real fucking job where I provide actual value and for that I need a work laptop. I don’t come to work in a stupid looking outfit with a chip on my shoulder looking to inconvenience people. I come to work to provide real value to someone.
Fuck you and your worthless bullshit44
Sorry, but this is my day off. Maybe you shouldn't have let junior run queries on the production database.
He didn't have access for a reason, fucknuts.10
Background: I'm not drunk yet, BUT I'M WORKING ON IT.
I just finished a second sprint on my React app. The first was to build a merchant onboarding flow. The second was to do substantial cleanup as I learned more about react/redux, and to create a "supply order" flow -- basically purchasing marketing materials and services. I finished that in a week, and I'm pretty proud. api-guy wanted it done in a day. i laughed. he probably could have, but it would have been a copy of the code in a new repo with some lines changed.
ANYWAY. it's all done and It's super pretty and works amazingly well. It has both the onboarding flow and the ordering flow, with a nice pop-out sidebar for navigation, namespaced actions, etc. Everything is pretty clean. I even added a cart to the ordering (despite everyone telling me not to) because wtf, what if someone wants to order TWO items? dumbasses. So I made that. it's sexy.
Anyway, it's all done and shiny and fancy and wonderful and I'd *love* to share screenshots if only it didn't give away where I worked. :<
... but the point of the rant!
After the first sprint, I made a copy of the repo so I could rework it and add more functionality without touching the original. (Hey! That's what a branch is for, right? Why didn't I branch it up?
well, read on)
I knew we were going to have multiple separate flows for this app: onboard, ordering, merchant tools, admin tools, support, etc. So, I wrote its server portion (the webpack builder + http server) so it would serve the same app at whatever url the user hit, and set a cookie containing that host+url. This allows the app to serve different content (basically showing/hiding content) based on the URL and future login roles. If someone hits /order, it would hide everything but the order flow. If they're a merchant, it would show all the merchant views plus ordering, etc.
tl;dr This way I can use the same codebase for multiple sites, drastically simplifying development, branding, and what have you. This new app could obv also be a drop-in replacement for the original onboarding project because of the above.
HOWEVER. this apparently isn't good enough for api-guy. He's terrified that adding/updating future components will affect all the existing content somehow.
now we have three repos for basically the same codebase. 1) onboard aka "surfboard", 2) ordering, 3) merchant tools, aka "ferrari" (the "future" app).
1) "surfboard" is a very old version of the code. 3) "ferrari" is also old, since 2) "ordering" has newer content in it now.
... and somehow this is better?
fuck if i can figure out how.
His reasoning is "well, you won't be touching surfboard or ordering for 6 months, so now you don't have to worry about it." Sure, except, you know, it'll be a pain in the ass in 6 months now when I have a crapton of code and branding to redo. ffs.
Oh. We also have three Heroku pipelines for these three repos. for the same codebase.
and now you know why i'm drinking.7
Stupid shitheads among the web designers, fucking listen up. Your fucking design is not the point of websites - the content is. You are not supposed to shove the content away to have your moron design shine in its purest debility.
Yeah I know, white space minimalism yadda yadda, clean interface - and you dumbasses just remove functionality to simulate a clean interface, to the point of using hamburger fuckups on desktop. Pull your heads out of your asses, that's not how to design an interface! Not to mention that you idiots still guzzle through the megabytes and dozens of domain lookups for your chickenshit minimalism.
While we're at it, not everyone is 20 years old like you youngsters - you won't believe it, but there is life beyond 40, and while such age is unthinkable to you because you are so dumb that you will hardly reach that age anyway, others on this planet have managed to get there. No 20/20 laser sight, you know.
Fuck you with your light grey thin fonts on white background because it looks "clean", it just SUCKS you wankers. Fuck you with your stupid ghost buttons that don't even look like a button. You know how to operate the shit you made, but reality check here, users spend most of their time on fucking other websites than on the abomination you have designed!
Get that into the shit bubble that you call your brain and read WCAG 2.1! That's not only for disabled people, but everyone will be able to use that shit better!8
Warning : (gross && !dev) == true
Fuck my nose, fuck the unbearably hot weather, and fuck toilet paper industry (above all and everything).
I was taking a dump, sweat dripping from my forehead under these 32°C (90°F) (we Belgians use to live in the rain, that's our natural habitat). When without any warning, my weak and sensitive nose decided to bleed by itself (again). First reflex: take a deep nasal breath to prevent blood from streaming like a depressed single on Pornhub before I can grab a tissue. Great idea! I fucking love having a deep breath of my own shit, especially when it's so hot that every smell is twice as strong as usual! Then, when grabbing some toilet paper to dig it far up my nose, I just put blood everywhere, anyway. So I'm here, pants down, dirty ass, trying to clean the blood before it dries, having to watch for my tissue to not become too soaked.
Done. I can now start to wipe my ass. I use 3 papers, and I can't go on, because my poor anus cannot tell the difference between toilet paper and sandpaper. Because these dumbasses that study their product don't get that scrubbing chemicals soaked paper against sensitive mucous isn't something that people enjoy. I don't care if your paper has 2 or a gogolplex layers, I don't care if it smells like aloe vera or your Down sister's diapers, I just want my fucking shithole to not look like it just got raped by an army of angry gorillas after it has been cleaned.
Now I'm in a cold bath, because my body wouldn't stop sweating, my nose wouldn't stop bleeding, and I had to wash my ass with water and soap and not with lame stinky paper (it got done in the shower, not in my bath of course). And before I could even begin to fill the bathtub, I had to blow my nose to get rid of the coagulated slugs of blood filling it. Told you it was gross.
And my friends ask why I don't shit more than once a week. Well, because that's the time my anus takes to stop bleeding and hurting after I use it, as simple as that.5
Had an awesome day at work got so much coding done, made an awesome well documented class for a Countdowntimer class in Android.
Was looking forward to getting home and using my motivation to continue coding my game when I got home.
Then get to the bus stop and it's packed for the Adele concert, I saw a poster okay thats good only buses are packed (I then take a train, I live pretty far from work) I get to the train station and the shittiest system has been setup,
Where people pack on the train that goes to the last stop south for the Adele concert that isn't even near the last stop!
One of the platforms aren't even being used and the trains that got partway south are tiny as hell for the rest of the people that don't want to go to this concert.
For one thing who thought it was a good idea to setup such a shitty system? Why not have one train go straight to the damn concert area and continually use that one platform and for the rest of the people have the trains running as normal?
Nope let's make a shitty system that doesn't work well.
Top it off have concerts on a Thursday, Saturday and Sunday.
Now I get to wait in town doing absolutely nothing and losing the little time I have to code on my game.6
I fucking hate group projects.
These fucking dumbasses that don't know how to write shit. "This is a software that connects to THE phone" in a fucking business letter.
I bet a fucking second grader can write better than this piece of shit.3
BOSS/SUPPORT/CLIENT: IT’S URGENT!!!! IT’S URGENT!!!!
Me: if it was really urgent why are you asking me about it at 5’oclock on FRIDAY3
Can someone please explain to me WHY THE FUCK non devs feel like they know shit. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HOW YOU FOUND SOME UNTRUE SHIT ON GIZMODO. I'VE KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT THIS SHIT, AND YOU LOOKED UP THE FIRST EXAMPLE YOU COULD FIND THE SUPPORTS YOUR CASE. The most recent time this happened was OVER THE LAST FEW DAYS when this DUMBASS that my friends and I BULLY but HE STILL HANGS AROUND. (By bully, yes sometimes we are mean to him, but we're not out to get him. He comes to us and we don't wanna be with him). So after the SEVENTH groupchat (on two apps) he created that night, HE WANTED TO SWITCH BACK TO ANOTHER APP I SPENT A WEEK TRYING TO GET THEM TO SWITCH FROM PREVIOUSLY (It was whatsapp, i got them to switch to telegram). THEN HE TRIED to ARGUE with me about how TELEGRAM wasnt secure. HE SEARCHED "is telegram secure" on Google and chose the FIRST ARTICE from the previously mentioned, GIZMODO which says that TELEGRAM chats ARENT ENCRYPTED by DEFAULT. HOW THE FUCK DO DUMBASSES GET THIS KIND OF PUBLICITY. There's a difference between ENCRYPTION and END TO END DUMBASS. Then he told me whatsapp is more secure than telegram. NO ITS FUCKING NOT. In telegram, your encryption keys CHANGE every chat, or every 100 messages. To my best research, whatsapp only has ONE key per USER. I could go on forever about how chat backups in whatsapp are UNENCRYPTED or how FACEBOOK stores your data, but blocked you works to.6
Former PM was so excited about Backlog, he downloaded the HEAD of the development branch of this particular project on Bitbucket we were working on, stripped it of the git commits for some reason, and reuploaded the entire thing to Backlog without the git history.
I had to instruct my junior devs to push into the two repos without fail.
Months later the CEO told us to stop using Backlog because it was too expensive for the company.
I guess my PM's curiosity in learning Git is a good thing.
I know that if anyone did that to any of my repos today I would be mad, but I couldn't find myself getting angry over such a malpractice. At least whenever I remember my own former PM doing it.
I guess it's because I'm a little forgiving towards dumbasses when they genuinely try to do their part.
I ignored your update for ages.
Because half your dev base are retards circle jerking over a language made by a smug midwit marxist who believes in ceremony over productivity.
And then you go and autoupdate without my permisson. Didn't realize microsoft wasn't the only one that could push things on people like common rapists.
Went and pushed an update when I've EXPLICITLY turned down your update nagware hundreds of times.
And now ad block is disabled.
And I'm being flooded by bullshit.
And the 'patch' you released requires me to update.
Well jumping fucking christ on a pogo stick. Why didnt you just force update the whole god damn application you shit-for-brains firefox devs?
What, you thought I wouldn't fucking notice?
You thought, because microsoft did it, that this shit was cool, in 2019?
Like that bullshit you pulled as a 'tie in' for mr robot?
I would kick you in your fucking nuts if I met you.
Ps: Your fucking patch that you put out doesn't even fucking reenable extensions.
I'm moving to another browser with less 'diversity' in the dev team.37
So met a guy today in college and it was his first day in class. He told me that he is working as software engineer and having 4 years of experience and primarily works with Java lang.
We do programs in Java for practicals and I'm not good with Java (I fuckin hate). I thought maybe I can ask for help from this guy if I'm stuck. And so the practicals started.
And guess what the guy did not know how to compile Java program on 'cmd' and was seeking help from other guy. I'm like what the actual fuck. How the fuck he has 4 years of experience and can't compile a program. Can't even able to set path. Total idiot. Fuck this shit.10
If your client doesn't know what the fuck he wants to see on his website even with all text and images included - don't take this fucking job.
They will let you choose a template and you end up switching it 5 times. "Oh we don't like it. What else do you have? Oh, this looks better." Next day "We don't like this theme anymore. We want to switch to what we had before."
If people can't draw their home page on a paper I tell them go fuck yourself straight in a face. I always put these people on my reference list so my future clients know I'm straightforward, not lazy, not low skilled, but honest with dumbasses like some of my previous clients.
You are asking for a basic website with 5 pages, you have a shitty budget and then I have to customize the entire theme and tweak every fucking possible element in CSS, HTML and PHP. Go fuck yourself. All you get for your money is WordPress with 15 min consultation how to copy paste your shit and save it. Never do fixed budgets, never work on projects like this if it's under $500-1000. Meet with the client to understand him/her better and see if he is a jackass-perfectionist or a chill person who won't be picky.
That's my memories of being a freelancer, trying to get any job for any budget just to build my portfolio. Never going back to this, at least not for small businesses with less than $5,000 budget. Reading people before you start working with them is a good thing.2
I'm getting really tired of those dumbass programmers that do not understand shit and then come to me when production breaks. (I am also a programmer, not really a DevOps engineer, but I'm the least worst at DevOps stuff, so it's my job...).
We're programming some kind of document management tool. Today we had a release, and one of the new features is to download all of your documents as a zip file, which is asynchronuously generated. When it's done, the user gets a mail with the download link to the zip file.
The feature works basically, but today it broke our production service, as somebody was running a test of it.
Turns out all the documents are loaded into memory to be zipped. So if you have 2 gigs of documents, a container with memory restrictions in that area will crash.
I asked the programmer who reported this «ops problem» to me, why he didn't just shit the files into a temp foler in order to zip them in there.
He told me that he wanted to do so, but did not know how to mock this for a unit test, and therefore went to the in-memory «solution», which was easier for him to mock.
For fuck's sake, unit tests and mocks are fucking tools, not ends in itself! I don't give a fuck about your pointless mocking code when the application crashes!
When I got to deal with such dumbasses, I'd prefer to mock those motherfuckers with a leaky bucket of liquid shit, which basically accomplishes the same task from my perspective: dripping shit all over the place and make everything suck as fuck.3
Just discovered lmsotfy.com.
Oh boy I'm gonna use it so much for the dumbasses who ask before thinking !9
I am currently working in a company which according my parameters is very good and which I've been "chasing" for over 1 year and a half... I feel really fine...
But something curious started to happen 3 weeks ago... Companies before that in which I had an interview and that they said I wasnt enough experienced (not even with 5 years almost 6 working as a dev), started to contact me making a job offer (obviously without tech interview)...
Does anyone feels this like funny or a dejavu of an experience in another area ?... They said no but when I found the a place they start to appear like the grass of my backyard with offers... They would have made an offer before dumbasses3
i was about to talk about golang - but it can wait.
snapchat's discover section is TERRIBLE. the amount of BULLSHIT, INCORRECT INFORMATION, AND PURE IDIOCY IS MAKING IT TERRIBLE.
now, usually, i rant about mashable when i say it's terrible. AT LEAST WHEN MASHABLE WROTE ABOUT THIS THEY WERE CORRECT. but no, alas, my faith in humanity is put to an all time end. a new evil has arose, by the name of "wired."
of course, and incredibly late to the party, a "tech" outlet wrote about bitcoin. the headline was "is bitcoin killing the planet?" IT HAS BEEN POSSIBLY THE STUPIDEST ARTICLE IVE READ OF ALL TIME. THEY CLEARLY HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT ANY SHIT THEYRE TALKING ABOUT.
let's take a look at the TWO facts they got wrong, and displayed to over a MILLION people.
now, instead of just GOOGLING TWO SIMPLE FACTS, THEY DECIDED TO JUST WRITE RANDOM SHIT.
ENOUGH WAITING - HERE THE THE TWO FACTS THEY GOT WRONG
picture 1: bitcoin up $900 in the last year? THE LAST MOTHER FUCKING, COCK SUCKING
WHY DO SUCH DUMBASSES HAVE ACCESS TO SOMETHING MILLIONS VIEW?
IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE
picture two: the actual fuck????
did i just read that?
b- bi- bitcoin will "run dry" BY 2032.
i think i finally figured it out.
these facts, they're literally just random number.
i can see it now:
wired employee 1: hey, guess what number im thinking of?
wired employee 2: 14?
wired employee 1: *screaming* BITCOIN WILL RUN DRY IN 14 YEARS
how do these people get hired. do they hire only hire 12 year old interns? im genuinely asking. does anyone know?
okay, end of rant. plz continue complaining about dumbasses who have power thru the media in tech8
Everybody seems to fuck it up. (Most ignore it entirely)
Everybody seems to undervalue it’s importance. (Its value cannot be overstated)
Everybody seems to think it is a luxury for successful companies. (Instead of being a major part of what got them their success)
Everybody seems to think having beer in the fridge is culture, or some other perk. (I like beer and shit, but that’s not culture unless your company makes fucking beer!)
Everybody seems to think that a value statement is culture. (Your employees don’t give a fuck if you want to “provide value to X industry)
And guess, fucking, what...
Everyone is wrong. That’s why 9/10 startups fail, because the founders and CEO are dumbasses.
Here’s some pretty simple advice for life...
“Don’t be a fucking dumbass”
Best part of being a (freelance) dev : working from home, being able to see my newborn son slowly growing up. Not easy to run after clients days after days, but I don't regret the silly project managers, the dumbasses from the marketing, and, gosh, I don't miss the CTOs. :)1
Fucking job recruiters or whoever the fuck.
If the first line on my resume is under "Objective" and it states, "To obtain a job, internship, or Co-op in the field of Networking, Cybersecurity, or Administration." You can clearly see the world sales and customer service are not in there.
If you take 5 seconds to read that or search for the words customer service or sales YOU WON'T FUCKING FIND ANYTHING.
SO WHY THE FLYING FUCK DO YOU CUMBUCKET FILLED PIECES OF SHIT KEEP OFFERING SALES AND CUSTOMER JOBS TO ME.
I even got a senior sales position before. :|
Yet I can't even get a call back from an internship that's related to what I want to do lol. Smh.1
Theres so many motherfucking command line utilities in web development that I'm surprised there isn't a 128 megabyte NPM install for a leftpad CLI.
God damn people who develop tooling for web development are some navel gazing cunts.
"How can I feel more self important? Lets put a CLI in front of this web bundler!"
What happened to the days of purity? Of cleanliness? Of kosher compliant web development, where all you had to do was include a script tag?
Gone are those days. Welcome to Babel(on)!
I put a CLI in your CLI so you can masturbate while you masturbate!3
I have started to hate stackoverflow
How stupid can some dumbasses be? Yes a similar question was asked and answered
The duplicate post they’ve marked used to work,USED to , that code doesn’t work anymore.
I mean come on I’ve specifically written I tried that and it doesn’t work anymore. But some fuckers just want to look cool by downvoting other.4
Related to queueing theory...
Suburban traffic at a stop lights has developed a tendency to include invisible cars.
You can see where these invisible cars are by the gap between the front bumper of one car the back bumper of the next. Sometimes there is an invisible motorcycle, sometimes there is an invisible semi-tractor trailer. It is becoming an epidemic.
The dumbasses in traffic who do this are usually texting behind the wheel while stopped and they are not always Buffy the ding dong cheerleader nor Sally the Soccer Mom... Suits too... It seems to have gotten worse with pot becoming legal I just realized...
But to the point, you can tell these people would never be able to comprehend software engineering... they have no idea that for every invisible car in front of every dumbass driver like them, there is a real car way back that has to sit through two lights. (side effects of bugs and inefficient hash tables) Worse, these dumbasses do this in the left lane so it keeps a host of others from being able to get past their big fat ass into the turn lane.
Simple queueing theory escapes these people.
Computers will someday take their jobs.
Sometimes it motivates me to code faster... "There goes your job beotch! Get used to mac and cheese..."
But once in a while I am in a position to be able to be stopped at a light, and note that next to me is one of those "gapsters" and then pull my car (or motorcycle some days) into that invisible car's spot. The gapster gets so mad sometimes... >:-> so much satisfaction I almost feel guilty...
Queueing theory rules... LOL
ON THE PHONE WITH THE SHITTY HEALTH CARE PROVIDER THAT OUR COMPANY USES... THEY CANT PROVIDE AN EMAIL.... NOW THE GUY I GOT SAYS HE CANT ACCESS MY INFO BECAUSE OF A SYSTEM ERROR.... NEED TO TRANSFER TO ANOTHER GUY!!!!
WTF!!!!! DUMBASSES.... THEY SHOULD BURN IN HELL!!!!!!!!
AND I NEED TO GET A NEW JOB... BUT PROLLY WONT BE DOING THAT FOR AWHILE.... :(
would you please be so kind and explain me, a native german speaker, how to give more german responds within my german skill to match the german language?
also are you fucking kidding me presenting new unheard silly issues every new submission and needing four days to answer? you don't want to be alexa sounding and acting natural, do you?
your fucking silly certification process takes the whole fun out of free-of-charge-enhancing the use of your own product.
for real, coding skills is fun, but never ever promise a client any deadline. amazon will definitively screw you. dumbasses.
Recently I have had to help our support team handle a variety of embedded development support tickets for a product line that is quite complex in nature. It is really starting become frustrating how common it is that the so-called “developers” that are using this product are so incompetent at requesting help in a proper/sane way. It is even more frustrating that some of these schmucks start acting up and stating bullshit statements like (para-phrasing) “OMG we have a ‘big opportunity’ and a deadline to meet”, “you need to help us faster”. These are also the same guys that are like “I know you have a free SDK that does everything correctly, but I want to write my own ‘pro’ driver written in my own ‘dumbass code style’. Oh and I am not going to follow documentation and not implement required functions and make you read my god awful code snippets to find out what I what I did wrong instead of reading the docs or comparing against the SDK.”
To anyone that behaves this way...fuck you! Just stop. Stop being a developer altogether. If your “opportunity” is so important, why the fuck are you half-assing your support ticket? Why are you making it SO DAMN DIFFICULT for someone to help support you! Give as much info as possible to prove your point or provide context to the problem you are having. In the majority of these tickets the dumbasses don’t even consider that relaying the product’s firmware version is relevant information, that a Wireshark (and/or logic analyzer) capture can be very useful to provide context to the type of operation being performed. Code snippets can be nice but only if there is sufficient context. We have had to ask one guy 3 times already for the FW version...what the flipping hell is wrong with you?!
Ug...I feel sorry for Support/FAEs sometimes dealing with customer bullshit drives me nuts and its a shame this stuff happens in a sector that should know better...Please don’t be like these devs. If you make a half-assed request it is only reasonable to expect a half-assed response and nothing more.