Hmmmm, wonder who this reminds me of...

(Stolen from Twitter)

Senior Manager: I have to use your app today, how do I do that?

Dev: Well first you log in, and then you clic—

Senior Manager: That’s way too low level, I only deal with things on high level! Explain it to me from a high level.

Dev: Use the app to orchestrate the visibility of action items to stakeholders and pivot the leverage towards buy-in.

Senior Manager: Hmmmm….

Dev: Agile.

Senior Manager: Aha! I understand how to use the app perfectly now!

Senior Manager’s Account: Last Login - Never.

A Developer is desperate: his java application servers are unresponsive, thousand of dead zombie threads are sucking all cpus, memory is leaking everywhere, garbage collector has gone crazy, the cluster sessions are fucked....

The Developer goes to the closest bridge, ties a stone to his neck and gets ready to jump.

Suddenly a bearded old man with a fiery look runs toward him, yelling:
- stop stop!!!! Your application is not scaling and misconfigured, your servers are melting, cpu usage is not sustainable anymore, but don't despair

The Developer, puzzled, looks at him:
-I've never seen you...how do you know...
- Hey, man, I'm the Devil. I know everything. All your problems are solved. I'll give you magic functions. They are called Lambda.
You'll never have to worry about your servers, scalability, security, configuration and shit.

The Developer seems astonished but relieved:
- Ok, sounds great! let's try it - suddenly suspicion creeps in - hmmmm but you are the Devil....so...you want something back, don't you?
(the Devil nods lightly with a diabolic smile)
- ...and...you want my soul, I guess...
- your soul??? come on!!! - the Devil burst in a laugh - we are in 2019. I don't care about your soul. I want your ass.
- What!???!!!?
- yes, I want to fuck your ass

The Developer, evaluates quickly the situation.
Few moments of pain or slight discomfort (?) in exchange for magic lambda. It could be worth. He accepts.

After a while of rough anal fucking, the devil asks
- Hey, how old are you anyway?
- 45, why?
- Oh jeeez...45!!!??? and you still believe in the devil?

Well. Here is the story.
Started making a React app a week ago with a friend; his job was styling some jsx i "already" wrote. hmmmm. and i just pulled his last commit.
file [index.scss]
3 lines:
body {
font-size: 16px;
}
😐😐😐😐😐

I'll point names today

Boss: Quick! The Xero integration is not working anymore!
Xero Documentation: place your client secret in the HEADERS
Me: * places client secret in headers *
Xero API: Bad Request!
Me:
*re-reads documentation*
*creates new client secret*
*1 hour of trying*
Hmmmm
* places client secret in request body, not in headers *
Xero API: Ok!

UPDATE YOUR DOCUMENTATION
TELL US ABOUT IT IN THE CHANGELOGS

Me - I want to work on Java.
Boss - you are working on Java right?
Me - no, just Angular JS
Boss - yes it's the same right... Angular Js, JavaScript, java

Me - (hmmmm, what if I had just said angular, would he assume I was doing geometry?)

Manager: How's the site going. Can I see it?

Dev: ya sure

M: what's that

Dev: that's a * it means some restrictions apply.

M: hmmmm

M: make it a diamond

Hmmmm.....

I have a year to figure shit out and get a job.

No savings, no nothing after that year.

One year.

"she's so talented, she can speak five languages."

Hmmmm...Talking about languages.

Nobody writes compilers anymore. :(

Hmmmm... a new one-Exciting

Hmmmm...

Me: "Hmmmm, why is my firefox acting erratically? What's wrong with scrolling?"
Also me: "Oh fuck, I've been pressing control with my hand resting on the keyboard"

I cannot find a job!!!

Super stressed.

When you +1 one of your colleagues rants on devRant and realise the whole senior Dev team is on here. Hmmmm.

I'm super divided.
I really want to spread devRant at the office, cause no one should miss out on this! But at the same time they might notice my rants about them.
Hmmmm...

!rant

Hmmmm they are selling some used dell precission t3500 desktops at work.

Intel Xeon, 8 gb ram, windows 7 for $60 bucks. Thinking about using it as an experimental Linux machine.

Yay or nay? What do y'all think? For $60 it certainly does not sound too bad eh?

Set out to copy the iOS alarm on android because a) android's stock alarm is fugly and b) all other sleep reminder apps either offer me way too much or no functionality.

Week 1: "Oh, custom UIs need a lot of math... Ok."
Week 2 "Why on earth is my ram usage at 400 mb?!"
Week 6: "I have come to the realisation that android's ByteArrayDecoder should burn in hell.
Week 7: "Man... They sure made the management of intents and pending intents a pain."
Week 10: There. It works. Two classes, 7000 lines of code.... Hmmmm maybe apply MVP."
Week 11: I discovered embarrassment driven development, throw away all my code and start from scratch.
Week 12: Oh ButterKnife, where have you been all my life?
Week 17: I might actually finish this in my life time!
Week 28: Man, this MVP and managing Context, intents, SQLITE DB and pending intents do not mix well.
Week 46: I discover RxJava and Dagger 2
Week 47: I discover that the 'V' in MVP does not refer to an 'Activity'
Week 48: My StudyBudy says to me "Man, exams are only a month away!"
Week 49: I put all your code in my github, delete it locally and focus back on being a student.

An asshole ex-client who owes me in excess of $1000, and doesn't intend to pay, has left me on their Twilio administration (unknowingly clearly) panel. I have the option of requesting around 30+ Cayman Islands numbers to auto charge his card enough to offset the debt.

Hmmmm.

Me: hmmmm it's a pain in the ass building my program and having to rebuild it everytime I want to swap to my Chromebook (going from x86 to ARM64), I really wish they could develop an OS that is essentially a VM so you would compile once and have the OS' VM later do the heavy lifting

My brain: hey Alex, that sounds like a great idea, you deserve a coffee for that!

Me: yes I do... Wait... Coffee... Cup of jo... Java.... WAIT! This sounds like what Java was intended to be!!!!!

My brain: oh dear god... Time to fucking bury this thought to never be discussed again!!!!!

What's the lesson to learn here? If it looks like Java, sounds like Java and acts like Java, beat it over the head and bury it 6 feet down :-3

Been thinking about registering the domain "(my last name).email" so I could have "myfirstname@mylastname.email" Checked Namecheap and it's 2.99 a year. Hmmmm...

Group of IT students asked me for help on their thesis.

Them: Can you help us on our thesis?

Me: How much?

Them: $450

Me: Hmmmm. What language?

Them: English!

Me: WTF! Seriously? LOL!

*Goes to record a video and upload a demo video*

Hmmmm.. internet is being slow... Let's do a speed test

*Realises our speeds have been caped out to a max of 256kbps*

Why... Why... Yes I understand it should be limited so it's not 'data for free' but at least give us 1mbps so things are actually doable but limited rather than just usable as long as all you want to do is Google something slowly -,-

hmmmm 🤔

Me after a good day at work: “Hmmmm… I like it here. I can stay for at least a year”

Me after a bad day at work: “Fuck this. I should apply for jobs elsewhere. Fuck Capitalism”

Hmmmm... wait a minute.

Hmmmm...yes it's me........Damn it!!!

🤔hmmmm

Hmmmm so the MacBook I'm looking at just got upgraded with a new CPU and better screen... Hmmmm if only the 16gb of RAM didn't cost so much!

Still think I might go for it, general consensus seems that it's the better option over a pixelbook

I am doing very well in a STEM PhD on a topic I don't like. I wish someone could hire me as a junior software developer instead. :(

How does one find Open-source projects to contribute to?

Hmmmm..... Dark or light?

hmmmm forcing google to go dark :3

You know what the best invention is for devs?
It's not JS, not C++, no IDEs, not VIM, not VSCode, not Linux, not Apple, not a computer (🤔).

It's coffee :) hmmmm....

Hmmmm.........

“I’ve tried everything, it won’t work. I HAVE to do it this __insert-stupid-dev-fuckery-here__ way”

Hmmmm 🤔 ok have you tried getting down on your hands and knees and walking around like a little piggy begging daddy to rough you up and put you in a pen?!? Because that’s what your gonna need to do for me to forgive you. Please please please just try to THINK about it before you do ANYTHING

Work Rant, again.

Working on a project, it has a messages feature.
Currently it supports text messages and images.

The guy before me had to leave, so I was put in charge on this project, to develop it.. all alone...

Project Manager : "Please add PDF support to messages"

Me : "Sure its an easy task".

1 day later:
-Starts working on that feature
-PDF files can now be sent.
-Looks at the sent messages-
-Message is there but I... I cant see the PDF file-

Hmmmm...
Moments later I discover the entire system is non-modular... hard-coded images only support.
Fuck me.

Hmmmm.... Something is happening...

Hmmmm. Just looked at my security log for my outlook account. A bunch of unsuccessful sync attempts... from China, from South Africa, from Colombia, from Poland, from Vietnam, and from Brazil. All of them IMAP attempts. Good to know my password isn't compromised, but I think I'm going to reset it and double it's length, just to be sure.

I have no idea what I am doing with my career. 🤔

Me : So cool ! My new graphQL APIs are working so good !
Also me : ‘order by <text field> take 50 skip 10000’
Me : Hmmmm.. 2.3 SEDCONDS ?! WTF. Let’s add an index !
SQL : Sorry bro, can’t add index on nvrachar(max).
Me: OK. Here you go, you are nvrachar(128) now. Add my index !
SQL : Ok
GraphQl :<same query > Here : 90 milliseconds
Me : ‘order by <text field> desc take 50 skip 10000’
GraphQL : Sorry bro : 3 seconds. (Yes, slower than without any index)
Me : Do I fu7cking need to manually add ASC and DESC indexes ? WTF IS GOING ON !
I should’ve learnt a bit more about databases. ☹. And now I don’t have time to refactor a prod database as “needed” .
/me needs to buy DB audit. Company is still a bit small to have a DBA full time.

<anchor link> for `tel:` makes no sense to add a title tag but you almost have to so I add title="tap to call"> which of course will never get seen by a phone DOM. Hmmmm, what say you W3C?

Should I put my hobby is to browse devrant in my résumé? Hmmmm ....

There is a big difference between IT and CS, the first has a lot of monkeys because most of the hiring managers don't ask technical interview questions that screen out monkeys... Probably because.... **Hmmmm thinking of a nice way to say it** They don't know any better...

Hmmmm,

Someone forgot to renew SSL

Here's a fucking challenge:

Generate an MD5 hash in React Native!

crypto - NOPE deprecated, react native throws when you try to import it anyway

react-native-crypto - NOPE, needs to make use of a shim that recursively edits node_modules... hmmmm yeah you think thats a good thing to have?

react-native-fast-crypto - NOPE, no TypeScript types, no documentation in general, only supports sha512?! WTF

garbage fucking idiot tooling stupid dumbass stupid splat splat barf splat

I was told during my midyear that I need to start working on my "AWS certification." Hmmmm. OK. Since there isn't one for a DBA, I guess I'm going to become an SA.

Finished compiling my biggest project to date. It compiles fine, but does not output anything.

Time to spend the night debugging and overeating.

Hmmmm,
Nothing fun in programming more than being a github stealer 🥷.

first off, how is it that there are so many of these? mind boggling

second, there's really only one correct answer here, i'll have a go at anyone who thinks otherwise

It looked nice on my CV ... Hmmmm actually the only useful thing was learning how to design a system.
Programming is matter of practice...
Designing however you need some educational background.. see some amazing programmers with equally horrible designing skills ..!

I am not sure how to feel about myself anymore.

self doubt
keeps me up
at night

This year Chinese New year is so quiet. Hmmmm

Hmmmm.. Civ 6 or that Arduino project I've been thinking about? The struggle!

hm, this doesn't work
hmm, that doesn't work
hmmm, this works
hmmmm, i don't understand why it works
hmmmmm, do i need to understand why it works?

nope

Was watching OITNB at home when boss called sounded urgent about SSL not working on one of our subdomains. We use a paid cloud app for some of our reports which. So the subdomain is a CNAME to the providers app subdomain. Recently there was an upgrade at our hosting but it shouldn't be related.

Boss: Hey, there is an error prompt when I visit our reporting site with https
Me: That's cos we never installed any SSL cert for that subdomain.
Boss: Well it worked before and you will need to get it fixed.
Me: Wait.. It worked before? How is that possible? We've never set it up and the subdomain is a CNAME pointing to another site which we don't own. The cert will have to load from their server and we have not done any setup with them.
Boss: I'm very sure it worked before the hosting upgrades. All along our customers has been accessing with https.
Me: Okay.... That's something new because and I am pretty SURE the last I checked, the app provider doesn't allow that yet.
* meanwhile I when to search the app provider docs and it says not able to support multiple SSL yet for CNAME
Me: Look, it says so here in the docs.
Boss: Ok, can you try to fix it as its important for the users to not see that error. It has been working all along.
Me: Hmmmm... I'll get back to you.

How do I fix something that didn't exist / broken?? How did it work before??

I know it can be possible to install the cert on the cloud provider end but we haven't done this before. And their support docs says feature not available yet.

Was it magic?? Am I missing something?? Anyway, I've sent an email to the provider's support team and telling them "it worked before"

When a colleague reads the clean code book but the writes code that's exactly the opposite ..... Yeah, hmmmm

I am an intermediate-level programmer. I want to sit down and re-learn JavaScript properly. What are the best books / resources to do so?

If I am getting a math PhD, and want to pursue data science, how important is getting another formal degree in DS to get a job?

Stackoverflow developer survey results 2018. JS the most popular language for sixth year in a row. Hmmmm

So here is a mini rant from an amateur/hobbyist developer (me).

Over the past week, I've taken on a project that is much larger than any other projects i've attempted to handle (steam trading bot). This meant that there would be logic flaws, weird bugs due to unexpected behavior from shitty web apis (and their poor documentation hmmmm).

Anyhow, fast forward a few days and the code is complete. It's mostly functional, apart from a few glitches and unexpected behavior here and there...or so i thought. Apparently if someone trades and item to me that isnt in my pricegrid, the bot freaks out and kills itself, relaunches, and repeats this cycle (pm2). And i only found out about this on my way to school

So in desperation to fix such a critical flaw in my code (if my bot breaks a lot and doesnt accept trades, i can get banned from backpack.tf), i bust out my only device which is my phone, and start editing away (JuiceSSH and turbo client is godsend ty). 30 minutes later, after toiling through code with no indentation or syntax highlights (mobile pls), ive fixed it. So i push to live and alls well.

Then I arrive at school, pull out my laptop and decided to check up on my code to see if anything needs fixing.

Oh look in one line i used '||' instead of '&&'.

ok lets fix it.

ok lets push to live again.

I launched WinSCP to move the files onto the server, and just as the loading bar finishes and the file is overwritten, i realized; FUCK the code i had on my laptop wasnt the latest version i just worked on on my phone.

So that's that. 30 minutes of typing code without indentation and syntax highlighting on a 5 inch screen and it's all gone.

TLDR:
Version control is a must.