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Search - "panic attack"
TL;DR: Got a really horrible supervisor temporarily fired, maybe permanently fired, got a laptop, and realized that senior devs are amazing when they stand up for the little guys
Omg... I love my coworkers!!! So like, I'm an incredibly shy dev, like, I only managed to get my internship purely because of my familiarity with c#, Android/UWP app development (although never apple, which you can read about in my last rant lol), and the API Management framework that they were using, so, long stories short, I'm insanely shy and I get anxious quite quickly in social situations, that'll be important in a bit. Anyways, so, in my previous rant (my first one actually, it was "that" bad...) I had a run-in with a rather unfair supervisor situation where he expected me to work on an iOS app without a Mac machine.
So, this is currently a little bit before my shift end, where I'm anxiously trying to get a MacOS VM up and running to be able to copy paste some psudo-code so as not to get in trouble, which is when the senior dev of the team walks by and sees me tearing hair out of my head and being really sad. So what does this god amongst men do?
He comes over and asks me what I'm doing.
Now, I didn't actually notice him, so when he asked me, I was insanely jumpy and scared that my supervisor would appear and be mad at me for not having things done, so I kind of half scream half yelp when he says something, so now he knows somethings up and he acts kind of like I'm an injured deer and slowly asks what's going on.
So, of course I tell him everything that had happened and how the supervisor got really mad about me not being able to develop iOS apps due to not having a Mac, and his expectation of me to get it magically working and getting to work on my module, and the selenium portal automatization, and after a couple seconds of me rapid fire nervous squirrel-like explanation, he holds up a hand and says "He what?!!!!? God dammit, how the hell are you supposed to do that? Jesus, you were supposed to get a company laptop when you got here, where's that??? And if you don't have that then how the hell were you working on the cross platform portion? You need a Mac machine for that, so let me get this straight... You've been frantically trying to find a workaround so that AS (let's call him AS for asshat supervisor (missing an s)) doesn't get mad at you... Who the hell... And this fuckers in charge of the interns??"
He was incredibly pissed off at this point, like, REALLY pissed off... But-
This man had just spoken miracles to me.
So I do what any self respecting intern would do, I start cry laughing and hug said BSD for a quick second (badass senior developer), and I say yep, pretty much ;-;.
And queue AS walking into my workspace and saying
AS- "are you done with the iOS a..."
BSD- "You've got to be kidding me, shut up for a second and sit down"
AS- "?" *Sits*
Me- *hides in corner and cinches up hoodie*
BSD- "Excuse me, but what did you ask benlion to do?"
AS- "Um, I simply told him to start working on the Xamarin app"
BSD- "Yes, but according to benlion, you angrily told him to start working on the Mac portion... Let me ask you something first, why would you do that? It's rude and inappropriate to be hostile to anyone at the workplace, in fact, if he wants to pursue to matter, you can get demoted, actually, if he wants to pursue it, you're fired, and there's no way I'm letting you get a management job again"
AS -"Wow, did benlion really say that? He's obviously lying due to his dislike for me, BSD, it's rather unfair to take his word over his superv..."
BSD-"Oh you did NOT just go there. That's it, stay here. And benlion, come with me." *Points at me*
Me- *Terrified out of my mind, almost to the point of a nervous breakdown because of the argument that I had started* "O-okay o_O"
Long stories short, we come back with his supervisor and he is now relieved of his duties temporarily while this whole thing gets settled...
Oh, and I get my Apple Laptop tomorrow ^-^ so I'm really happy, albeit kind of sad that its my fault that AS doesn't have a job right now ;-;, but he did yell at me and expect incredibly impossible things of me, so, not as bad as I might feel.25
What a shit fuck of a day...
I woke up tired without enough sleep.
Then all of a sudden anxiety triggered in and I had a panic attack without any reason.
That irritates me beyond anything.
After all the morning struggle, I reached office and bam!!! My system has is turned off.
WHO FUCKING DID THIS???? WHO THE FUCK TURNED OFF MY SYSTEM ABRUPTLY?
I lost some of my work and setup.
Well, no worries. Let's turn it on.
Guess what? The network wouldn't connect.
Aaarrrgghhhh!!!!! Rage fit.
Tried turning it on and off. Did everything. No success.
Raised a ticket and network guys are friends so they helped me.
After diagnosis, we realise that this is not a network issue as system is working on static IP and even desk phone works fine.
Contacted the desktop team. They said try connecting on another desk.
Well fuck you lazy piece of monkey shit!!
Removed all the cables and tried on neighbouring desk.
This doesn't work you shit head. I told him to help but bugger left because he had some another important meeting.
Now I am stuck without network. Time to play some games before my manager fucks me up for wasting time.
I see no good thing happening today. But I found this while on Chrome.
I think it's Terry's birthday. Happy birthday Terry!!!17
Day before easter holidays, a few years ago. It was evening and almost everyone had gone home. I finished a task, and immediately set off to do the next one, stressed as fuck, as usual. One colleague was left at the office, who asked me to at least eat something before I continued. I said I didn't have time, but after some negotiations sat down at the table, and realized I couldn't physically move the fork to my mouth.
I was having a panic attack. My colleague helped me with breathing excercises, gave me some pills and when I started to calm down a little, I said I'd better go back to work.
"No", she responsed, "we're going to the emergency"
I refused, since I had work to do, but she told me that I needed a person in a white lab coat to tell me that I shouldn't work for a while.
We went. The doctor gave me 3 weeks of sick leave, where I learnt a new word: No.
I thank the universe for not letting me get burnt out. I'm thankful for that amazing colleague.
I now work without stress, doing one thing at a time and saying no when my body says no.11
To those that think they can't make it.
To those that are put down by those that don't understand you.
And to those that have never had a dream come true.
Not a rant, but the story of how I got into programming
I've always been into tech/electronics. I remember being told once that when I was 3, I used to take plug sockets to pieces. When I was 7, I built a computer with my dad.
There isn't a thing in my room that hasn't been dismantled and put back together again. Except for the things that weren't put back together again ;)
When I was 15, I got a phone for Christmas. It was a pretty crappy phone, the LG P350 (optimus ME). But I loved it all the same.
However I knew it could do a lot more. It ran a bloated, slow version of Android 2.2.
So I went searching, how can I make it faster, how to make it do more. And I found a huge community around Android ROMs. Obviously the first thing I did was flashed this ROM. Sure, there were bugs, but I was instantly in love with it. My phone was freed.
From there I went on to exploring what else can be done.
I wanted to learn how to script, so over the weekend I wrote a 1000 line batch (Windows cmd) script that would root the phone and flash a recovery environment onto it. Pretty basic. Lots of switch statements, but I was proud of it. I'd achieved something. It wasn't new to the world, but it was my first experience at programming.
But it wasn't enough, I needed more.
So I set out to actually building the roms. I installed Linux. I wanted to learn how to utilise Linux better, so I rewrote my script in bash.
By this time, I'd joined a team for developing on similar spec'd phones. Without the funds to by new devices, we began working on more radical projects.
Between us, we ported newer kernels to our devices. We rebased much of the chipset drivers onto newer equivalents to add new features.
Well, it was exam season. I was suffering from personal issues (which I will not detail), and that, with the work on Android, I ended up failing the exams.
I still passed, but not to the level I expected.
So I gave up on school, and went head first into a new kind of development. "continue doing what you love. You'll make it" is what I told myself.
I found python by contributing to an IRC bot. I learnt it by reading the codebase. Anything I didn't understand, I researched. Anything I wanted to do, google was there to help me through it.
Then it was exam season again. Even though I'd given up on school, I was still going. It was easier to stay in than do anything about it.
A few weeks before the exams, I had a panic attack. I was behind on coursework, and I knew I would do poorly on exams.
So I dropped out.
I was disappointed, my family was disappointed.
So I did the only thing I felt I could do. I set out to get a job as a developer.
At this stage, I'd not done anything special. So I started aiming bigger. Contributing to projects maintained by Sony and Google, learning from them. Building my own projects to assist with my old Android friends.
I managed to land a contract, however due to the stresses at home, I had to drop it after a month.
Everything was going well, I felt ready to get a full time job as a developer, after 2 years of experience in the community.
Then I had to wake up.
Unfortunately, my advisors (I was a job seeker at the time) didn't understand the potential of learning to be a developer. With them, it's "university for a skilled job".
They see the word "computer" on a CV, they instantly say "tech support".
I played ball, I did what I could for them. But they'd always put me down, saying I wasn't good enough, that I'd never get a job.
I hated them. I'd row with them every other day.
By God, I would prove them wrong.
And then I found them. Or, to be more precise, they found me. A startup in London got in contact with me. They seemed like decent people. I spoke with their developers, and they knew their stuff, these were people that I can learn from.
I travelled 4 hours to go for an interview, then 4 hours back.
When I got the email saying they'd move me to London, I was over the moon.
I did exactly what everyone was telling me I couldn't do.
1.5 years later, I'm still working with them. We all respect each other, and we all learn from each other.
I'm ever grateful to them for taking a shot with me. I had no professional experience, and I was by no means the most skilled individual they interviewed.
Many people have a dream. I won't lie, I once dreamed of working at Google. But after the journey I've been through, I wouldn't have where I am now any other way. Though, in time, I wish to share this dream with another.
I hope that all of you reach your dreams too.
Sorry for the long post. The details are brief, but there are only 5k characters ;)23
On a tiny vacation in another country. Don't have a converter plug (for the power sockets) so borrowed one.
*connects laptop to charger* (old charger which might die soon)
*tries different sockets*
"you might want to check your phone with that thing as the socket seems loose as hell"
*tries phone with charger that definitely works*
That was a fucking panic attack right there 😅2
When you're talking on your phone and have a panic attack because you can't feel your phone in your trouser pockets...4
TL;DR age != competence
My boss is a fucking computer illiterate self taught programmer.
Don't get me wrong, he can do shit, pretty shitty but it gets done...
But the dude has 38 fucking years old and somehow still searches for keys on the fucking keyboard and struggles to touch type anything...
I sometimes crying the fuck out when I have to help him with something...
I'm having a mini fucking panic attack right now just thinking of it... Fuck
He is our "manager" but doesn't even have the fucking balls to confront his own subordinates when they need to be confronted... Everyone is aware of this and everyone is fucking around... And no one sees any consequences... I wonder why deadlines are always missed...
He is so passive that every fucking thing someone asks he goes and says it is OK...
I was studying same psychology about ignorance and I think he lacks the understanding that shit is hard to do...
We literary had a conversation the other day something like that:
Boss: so, what do you think? One call to the api for it to return all data or multiple calls to return smaller ones?
Me: well... It takes ~180ms just for latency to the server for one call, if you have 10 calls it will take 180*10ms, it is better if we have one call and cache it if necessary on the backend.
( he has no fucking clue wtf caching is, besides browser cache)
Boss: (looking confuse AS FUCK!!) Well, I don't get it... Maybe I'll test it later.
Me thinking: test how you dumb motherfucker? On you fucking workstation with no fucking latency?
There is no fucking test. I'm stating it. IT IS A FUCKING FACT!
Me: well, it takes that for the call to go to the api and come back , its simple math. 1 == 180, 10 == 1800.
When I was a graduate I often had to do proof of concepts and one had to be done by the weekend, I'd only been given it on the Wednesday. After a few sleepless nights I had it working or so I thought. On the Friday afternoon the CTO had a look at it and spotted a bug, he told me about it and I stayed in the office until about 10 when I finally managed to get some kind of fix in place. I emailed him told him I thought but was working and shouldn't happen again.
A few hours later no response I get a phone call from him screaming, shouting and swearing calling me useless and a waste of space etc. Etc. To the point I logged in desperately trying to fix the issue in a very hastily written integration and ended up having quite a major panic attack woke up on the floor and immediately went back to work. On the Saturday morning one of the senior Devs logged in and managed to fix it in the database and everything went fine in the end.
I went into work on Monday fully expecting to be fired from the way the CTO was speaking to me, I went to my line manager at the time and he just said don't worry. I left it in his
hands and things went back to normal. That call put a pretty serious dent in my confidence for years, but I learned a few valuable lessons which I stick to today.
Never work on serious shit after 6, use a second mobile for work which is turned off at 5 o'clock, properly test all fixes and always ALWAYS have someone in between graduates and senior management because honestly they can't handle the shit that's flung from above.1
Holy fuck my first software built at this job (alone, in 6 months) has gone live.
And it has a shit load of bugs and failure points. There are some mistakes in the code level too (I work at a small vendor and had nobody to review code)
I'm so tensed right now. Identified some problems and solved them, but the issues are countless and the project can't be taken down because people are using it as I type!
I'm afraid that I'll be getting fired soon.19
Sort of !dev
I can't do school anymore. I get so many panic attacks. I was shaking the entire time I was writing my essay today. It's hard to focus when your brain is fucking freaking out. I'm missing deadlines, failing tests left and right.
Real talk, I'm not dumb. This was never a problem. My University fucked me up and now I can't even look at an assignment without an electric feeling and I don't know what to do.
I had a panic attack during the opening crawl of Star Wars. I had to leave the theater. My anxiety is going to give me a heart attack one of these times. I'm 18, why am I experiencing health issues like this?
School isn't done right. How could this be the intended effect?8
New user here. Are you guys all cool? I keep having a panic attack every time someone comments. PTSD from hackernews...11
Last night I had a panic attack and woke up in cold sweats because in the dream I had I was constantly using the wrong variables in the wrong places...
Maybe coding would be fun again if I just got out of this neurotic rut.🙄
And..... it’s Monday now....7
Basically an addendum to all of my other rants on here.
I've been feeling burnt out for much of the past 6/7 months. Way too many projects going on, not enough time, an assehole boss, unsupportive colleagues and useless clients.
I had a mini-breakdown on New Years (maybe 3rd of Jan) where I had a million things to do before going back to work after having worked through a lot of Christmas and not seeing family. So I sat on the floor in my bedroom, shut all the doors, blinds and every light source at 2am and had a panic attack. Clutching my knees, freaking out and so tense it hurt. After about an hour of that I just collapsed and woke up a couple of hours later ready for another day of shit and it's been shitty ever since.
It'd been almost 7 years since my last panic attack and I fucking blew it because of fucking work and a cunt boss pressuring me too much.1
*Start thinking about it.
*Start seriously thinking about it.
*Push yourself to do it.
*Have a mini unconscious panic attack that tells you you're gonna fail.
*Do something else completely unrelated to what you wanted to do.
*Feel good about the meaningless shit you just achieved.
*Recognize you're procrastinating.
*Try to stop.
*You can't cause you're stupid and lack the control and discipline to trick your own mind.
*Watch video about how to overcome procrastination.
*Get a more firmer understanding of it.
*Realize you're a helpless piece of shit.
*Cry till dead inside.
*Resume daily mindless shit.1
So last week I really fucked up
I had this new implementation that was supposedly to be integrating smoothly into the rest of the service. It depended on a serialized model made by a data scientist. I test it in local, in QA environment: no problem.
So, Friday, 4pm, I decide to deploy to production. I check once from the app: the service throw an error. Panic attack, my chief is at my desk, we triy to understand what went wrong. I make calls with cUrls: no problem. Everything seems fine. I recheck from the app again: no problem.
We dedice to let it in prod, as the feature work. I go get some beers with the guys, to celebrate the deploy.
Fast-forward the next morning, 11am, my phone ring: it's a colleague of my chief. "Please check Slack, a client is trying to use the feature, it's broken"
Panic attack again. I go to the computer, check the errors: two types of errors. One I can fix, the other from a missing package on the machine that the data guy used.
Needless to say, I had a fairly good weekend.
- make sure Dev, QA and Prod are exactly the same (use Ansible or Container)
- never deploy on a Friday afternoon if you don't have a quick way to revert1
i nearly had a panic attack when 3 tables contaning transactions shows empty,. then i reconnected dbeaver and it turns out it was fine,. damn my shitty internet!
Spent about six hours writing tests and coding a user log in system for a Rails app last night. Finally finished at around 2:00am. Commited, pushed and merged, then called it a night.
Woke up today and Postgres is refusing to play nice. Spent twenty mins or so fixing that and then ran rspec.... Two thirds of my tests are missing - everything I wrote last night. I check my code and sure enough, they aren't there.
Wild panic ensues for a solid 5 mins before I realise I didn't actually pull the updated master branch after deleting my feature branch last night.
Now I feel like an idiot, but a relieved one.
Ok people. I got a contract last year with a company, and I was their support for one year, which ended back in February. They still email me for all their problems. I don't know why. They emailed me today, for Christ's sake, on the Saturday of Easter, to tell me that their 3rd party software can't send them emails because the mailserver has that IP on greylist asking me to look into it and find a solution. AS IF I CARE! I'm with my family, taking a break for two days damn it. Panic attack came, my heartbeat rate problem kicked in and now I can't calm down. I'm trying to get into the "I don't give a fuck" mood but I can't, I'm too responsible for that, in the worst dramatic way (the world is gonna end etc).
Piece of advice:
Be very clear next time you come to terms with another company, be precise and don't let them have it their way.9
Feck. My brain bluescreened during a coding interview and I had a major panic attack. No clue what or why it happened. FML.1
Today I had a full-day job interview for a junior data scientist position.
First I met the team which was only like half of everyone because apparently everyone was gone on Fridays. However the few there were really nice.
First task is to do some basic data analysis stuff even though I already spent a week on the coding challenge and sent them all my code/tasks. I log into my machine and create a new virtual environment but can't for the life of me figure out how to use the command line in windows to install packages. Turns out there is some problem with their proxy and they have to log me in on that. Then I am struggling on the keyboard because it's for a language different that my mother tongue and it takes me 3x as long to so the most simple things. All my shortcuts are out the window. Haven't a hard time typing parentheses and brackets. Start freaking out and have a panic attack mid task. I'm sweating bullets. I didn't even make it to the simple visualization tasks much less the models at the end. Time gets called and we all go to lunch and I'm freaking out on the inside the entire time. Angry at myself because I know I am better and just couldn't think.
After lunch I present my code and results from a coding challenge I did weeks prior. People from other teams get invited and I end up getting grilled for 2 hours by 15 people. Questions are flying in from all sides. They ask me almost everything I know about machine learning and some more. Under stress I forgot the name of the optimizer I used and couldn't answer some easy stuff because my mind was racing.
Right now I am on the train home and my body physically hurts. I am disappointed with myself and wish I could have shown up better. Never really froze up like this before.2
I know I've been spending way too much time in doors programming because I had a panic attack while at the grocery store. I've never had one in a long time.1
Welp, it is panic attack time. Can't sleep because of work stress, which stresses me out even more. Can't get my work done because of bullshit meetings I can't skip. Coworkers are possibly being purposefully idiotic. Can't take vacation because we are in the middle of shit. I am not even coding, just writing documentation about the same crap everyday because of perviously mentioned idiotic developers. They have the same info as me, but refuse to work on even a draft version until I paint a screen WITHOUT the button they need to remove. I want to code so I can point at it and feel good, but no. And people keep talking to me. FUCK! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!3
I have a job(not really paid enough), and tomorrow I have a job interview for a front end developer at a company thats around 1 hour drive where I live, so the company is in the different city. Main reason I want a job(a good paying one) is because I want start living there.. start my own life. Everything would be fine but Im 22 years old and 3rd year in college. College is in my hometown where I live now. So every week I would have to catch a bus to my hometown to go to college, and then back.. My parents don't really aprove of this, and I will get no help from them if I move away.. Yeah, waited for this interview tomorrow for a month, and had many arguments and fights, and even one "panic attack". Pretty stressfull time for me now.. Can't wait to just see what will come out of this..
If I get the job, it will be a huge step for me, and probably lose some people who black mail me to not move away.. either I succeed or I fail..6
Was hoping someone with experience can provide insight or advice on this. It's a long one, so thanks in advance to everyone who took time.
Received a great job offer a few weeks ago and was told I'd get a contract in January. They seemed pretty switched on about the kind of problems I might be facing and even raised my asking price, so I'm definitely not interested in looking elsewhere.
However, I started getting interview requests Thursday last week, one of which is for next Thursday.
Received and signed contract on Friday. Haven't received copy with employer's signature yet, but it's still early so np yet. However, I still haven't replied to the interview requests.
Should I turn down the requests or accept them and hope I get the contract back in time to cancel? I mentioned to the recruiter that I was receiving interest from other companies and I wanted to seal the deal with this company, but didn't receive response yet advising me whether it's cool to keep my options open.
I don't wanna look dodgy to the dudes I signed with in the unlikely event they find out I accepted interviews. I also don't wanna come across as combative or a pain to work with by pressuring them to sign soon.
However, I also don't wanna have a panic attack in the middle of revision season if I don't hear from these guys for a week (they get pretty busy at times). I feel like I could be sentencing myself to short-term anxiety (and I'm already anxious af in final year) if I start turning down offers before I have a signed contract.
It's prime working hours right now, I'm the only developer in the office and stackoverflow is down. I'm gonna have a panic attack6
A: oh hey my commit is not in the master branch...
A: *seeing bunch of commit deleted activity in bitbucket by B
A: Lol B deleted commits in master branch
B: Wait, what?! I know I have rebased my branch.. but never have I rebased anything in the master branch.. how can this be *intense breathing
B: Are you sure you have pushed yours to master?
A: Sure I've rebased, squashed, and rbt landed my work to master, here look my local master has my commit
CTO: wait what? Is this related to this bug we have in production just now? Please don't panic, let us resolve it
Turns out rbt land just squash your commit to your local master branch and they thus A have not pushed it to the remote. And the bunch of commit deleted activity were bitbucket not informing from which branch the activity was happening. Almost gave us heart attack.
Django wont pick up migrations for this app. Nothing in dj migration table for the app. It just won't create the tables on staging.
My panic attack is over but Im still going to lose this client over this.
Maybe not specifically "dev" but certainly a relatable rant to anyone here:
Moms small business gets "hacked," or standard spyware phone call from India let us save you for only $149 kind of crap. She obviously gets upset had a panic attack and thinks about all the sensitive shit on their network. Then, ONLY THEN, does she call me and the rest of the cavalry i.e. over payed and undermotivated IT guy to ask what's up why it happened and whose fault is it.
All is well, no ransom paid, no data lost or tangible damage done, but I am positive it will happen again, because it is impossible for people to internalize that they're the problem that money can't fix.
You clicked the unsolicited link. No amount of antivirus bloatware will ever be able to stop the monkey from trying to see what's in the box.
TheBut keep not paying me or people more qualified than me, and then scream and yell and pout when your shits gone and we can honestly say with a grin and a clean conscience that there is nothing we can do.