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Search - "goat"
Advanced 🐐 (goat) recognition technology
Sounds scary! 🐲!👻!
Android is moving to next level!
Never gonna happen:
* Port our API to graphql. Or even make it just vaguely rest-compliant. Or even just vaguely consistent.
* Migrate from mysql to postgres. Or any sane database.
* Switch codebase from PHP to... well, anything else.
* Teach coworkers to not commit passwords, API keys, etc.
* Teach coworkers to write serious commit messages instead of emoji spam
* Get a silent work environment.
* Get my office to serve better snacks than fermented quinoa spinach bars and raw goat milk kale smoothies
* Find an open source IDE with good framework magic support. Jetbrains, I'll give you my left testicle if you join the light side of the force.
* Buy 2x3 equally sized displays. I'm using 6, but they're various sizes/resolutions.
* Master Rust.
* Finish building my house. I completely replaced the roof, but still have to dig out a cellar (to hide my dead coworkers).
* Repair/replace the foundation of my house (I think Rust is easier)
* Get slim and muscular.
* Get a comfortable salary increase, focus more on platform infrastructure, data design, coaching
* Get fat(ter). Eating, sitting, gaming, coding and sleeping are my hobbies after all.
* Save up for the inevitable mental breakdown-induced retirement.14
Root encounters HR at her new job.
So, I left my job a few weeks ago. I was pretty sad about it, so I didn't want to write anything about it. It was a great place to work, with great managers, decent coworkers, and interesting work. I also had free reign over how I built things, what to improve, etc. Within about four months, I authored over half of the total commits on their backend repo, added a testing suite with 90% coverage, significantly improved the security (more accurately: added security), etc. but I got a job offer that allowed me to work remotely, and make well over six figures (usd). I couldn't turn it down, even though I wanted to. So, I left. I'm still genuinely sad about that. I had emotions and everything. 🙁 I stayed on long enough to finish the last of the features for their new product launch, and make sure everything was stable. I'm welcome back whenever, though they don't want to have remote employees, and I want to move, so. that's probably not going to happen. sigh.
Anyway, I started my new job this week. Rented an office (read: professional closet) and everything! It's been veritable mountains of HR paperwork so far. That's all I've done besides some accounts setup. I've seriously only worked on and completed one ticket so far in two and a half days, and I still have six documents/contracts to sign! (and benefits; that'll probably take my weekend.)
But getting an I9 thing notarized? Apparently I only have three days before I'm legally unemployable by them or something, idk. HR made it sound ridiculously dire and important, and reminded me like five or more times. I figured it was just some notary service; that takes like 10 minutes, right? So I put it off until my second day so I didn't have to disappear in the middle of my first day. Anyway, I called a bunch of notary services on day 2, and apparently only like 5% of them both do notary services this time of year and aren't booked full. And of those, probably another 5% will notarize I9 documents.. No idea why it's rare, but whatever, I'm not a notary.
The HR lady assured me that I didn't need any special documents; I should just go there, present my IDs, and the notary will provide or draft documents for everything else. Totally doesn't sound right, but fine; I'm not a notary nor will I ever work in HR, so I'm not very knowledgeable about this. So, against my better judgement I decided to just go anyway. I called around and finally found a place that wasn't closed, busy, or refusing, and drove over there. Waited. Waited. Waited. Notary lady was super slow in every single action. (I should mention that it's now 10am, and I have a meeting with the Senior VP of Engineering [a stern, stubborn old goat who enjoys making people feel inadequate] at 12:30pm.) The notary lady looks like she's an npc updating in slow motion (maybe at 0.25x speed?) and can't seem to understand what I need. Eventually, she tells me exactly what I had assumed: if there's no document, she can't notarize said document, and she doesn't have an I9 for the company I'm trying to work for. (like, duh.) So I thank her for proving the flow of time is variable, which she ignores in slow motion, and drive back home. It's now about 11.
I message the same HR lady, and the useless wench gawks in surprise and says she's never heard of that ridiculous request before. It took prodding to get her to respond every time, but after some (very slow) back and forth, she says she wants to call the notary personally and ask what they need. I waited around for another response that never came, and eventually just drove to the notary place again to have them notarize the required ID documents. That plus my chat history with HR should be enough to show that I bloody well tried, and HR just shit the bed instead. I finally got them notarized at like 12:10, and totally broke the speed limit the entire way to the office, found the last remaining parking spot, and made it to my office just in time for the meeting. seriously, less than two minutes to spare. Meeting was interesting (mostly about security), but totally made me facepalm, shout "Seriously!? What the hell are you thinking!?" and make slapping motions at some of the people talking. I will probably rant about that next.
But anyway, I'm willing to bet that the useless wench won't get back to me before the notary closes, if at all, and will somehow try to blame it completely on me if I bring it up again. Passive aggressive bitch. She's probably thinking: "If I don't help her with these mandatory legal processes, it'll be her fault she didn't get them done in time. I mean, they're so easy! She's just doing it wrong." I fucking hate HR.13
Whenever anyone mentions goats, I feel the need to point out the fact that they scream like humans. And then someone sent me this in response.6
Every employer: “We're an equal opportunity employer. All applicants will be considered for employment without attention to race, colour, religion, sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, national origin, veteran or disability status.”
Me: Cool. *clicks on next*
Employer: What's your race? What's your gender? Are you fucking handicap? Do you randomly explode? What's your nationality? Do you bang granny hookers? Do you drink goat milk or camel milk?
WTF!!!! If you are so much about equal employment then why the fuck do you care about this crap and why can you not hire me on my merit?10
My current boss' boss. Dude has my back, no questions asked. If I mess up, he backs me up to the customer and then teaches me the right way behind the scenes. Even stands up for me when i'm not around.
He's helped me change my lifestyle, too, connecting me with trainers and coaches who can help develop a workout plan around my one hand. He understands the value of work/life balance, but has no power to change our schedule, so he helps out however he can around that.
He is honestly #bossgoals. I want to be like him when i'm a boss2
tl;dr read the whole thing you lazy goat-molesting arse.
People. It's unpopular opinion time!
Windows is brilliant.
There. I said it.
Why? Because it has the balance of user-friendliness and customisability that is great for most workloads. Its enormous user- and developer- base allow almost anything you want to be done on it.
For instance, a few years ago I hooked up a MIDI synth pad to my PC and found an obscure program to use MIDI events as macros. I did not have to write any code, compile anything or any crap like that. (If you're a developer then you'll have no problem with that kind of thing, but not everyone's an über-technical nerd like you. Deal with it.)
I don't like Windows. But it's still brilliant for most people. All you Linux fan- boys/girls/helicopters are right to advocate it, but it will never expand its market share to more than the percentage of people who are developers, (unless it turns into a corporate enterprise (which it probably won't)). It has its flaws, but most of them will never affect the average end user. OK? Thanks.9
I’ve begun to notice a distinct pattern with devs. I realise it has probably always been there but Im just thinking out loud as Ive started to actively notice it.
*Dev has literally one problem with a library/framework/environment*
“Holy crap <NAME> is the worst thing ever!! its actually worse than an STD. whoever made it needs to quit making software and become a goat farmer” (paraphrasing of course)
What is it with us that the second we have difficulty with a library or framework we immediately brand it as a cancerous polyp on the anus of humanity?8
"hey can someone help me assign 10 to a variable in rust"
"Well first of all little shithead that is not rust-like we dont do that in rust here is how godfather mozilla intended it first you create a register in your ram then you download these 9 packages that are not in std for some reason then you box your integer 78 times then you sacrifice a goat that the rust compiler doesnt give you random advice that doesnt work then you pee on your motherboard and commit 53 times to open source repos on github bitbucket and svn then you will maybe probably have 7 assigned to your variable"
"Oh wow rust sure is overly complicated"
Time for a treat: a company I've applied to 16 years ago just went out of business due to bad management. Wasn't going to work there anyway because they were utter idiots but they turned me down because I took a piss at the CTO for being a wanker in some respects and also "your code formatting isn't what we expect from a senior programmer". Just placed a backorder for their domain name, will post some stupid goat sex shit there once it goes through. Cheers suckers!7
I am braindead. we sat debugging a crappy old application (php 5.3, multisite, no version control) with 2 devs and an admin for way too fucking long, and in the end, we all figured out that we misinterpreted the documentation. Head->desk. If anyone asks about me, I will now depart for Nepal where I intend to live as a goat.21
Android really gets on my goat. They are moving things so far that they are actually doing more damage than good.
Upgrade my build tools to v25? sure! Now all my BLE code is borked, thanks for nothing.
Go to the documentation? Lol, that's deprecated fool!
At least now it can all fail to function in Kotlin, a wrapper for Java 6. Instead of keeping your tools up to date you just create another layer of obfuscation. Well done, so proud.3
Did you fucking idiots think that I was gonna tell you to implement async await on the requests and not notice that you IMPLWMENTED GODDAMN SYSTEM-SLEEP YOU DESNE MOTHERFUCKEDS IT NOT TAKES 10X AS LONG AS MY OATCH TO JUST LIMIT THE NUMBER IF HTTP REQUESTS FOR FUCJS SAKE THIS CODE LOONS LIKE A RACCOON FUCKED AN MACBOOK THAT ALSO GOT FUCKED BY A GOAT FROM CHERNOBYL THAT SOMEHOW MUTATED TO A RACCOON GOAT 🐐 MACBOOK 💻 HYBRID ABOMINATION THAT IS NOW CLAWING MY EYES OUT AND GIVING ME RABIESCANCERAIDS5
Fuck you Starbucks! Do you call your pile of goat piss coffee? Even the fucking espresso is a disgusting laxative, it tastes like bleach and costs twice compared to every fucking bar in town, which make actual espresso.
And, black coffee means no milk. No soy milk either, no coconut milk, fucking anything else.
Thank god I still have my old Moka.10
You blame ME because your cocksucking brain isn’t able to configure YOUR fucking client’s printers correctly, and then you come to me as gentle as a dickless goat to help you out because “something screw up”
Fuck your printers.
Fuck your brain.
Fuck your RDS Server.9
Gender Bending For Fun and Profit.
I love how in the 'make your avatar' area, if you select female, and then click facial hair, theres nothing to select from.
Like a massive fuck you to every gender bending "down with meritocracy" purple haired dicksniffer in sanfran.
Also I'm sorely disappoint for desk items, theres no
1. giant dildos
2. anime figures/weeb shit
3. mini monoliths (I asked the site devs about this, they replied "we can't do that dave.")
4. a shirtless option for my female avatar
5. edgy scrolling numbers and code, like in the matrix
6. hoodies. They're the modern leather jacket.
7. Big nasty gnarly biker beard which I'm currently in the process of growing. How am I supposed to intimidate other anonymous cowards and mock them over the size of their beard compared to my own avatar's e-beard size? It's quiet girthy and lengthy, I assure you!
This is completely unrelated, but I thought devducks were like quick one-off debug sessions that could be bought from other devrant users.
I was disappointed when I discovered it was just merch.
On the otherhand I'm glad as fuck it's not. Site would be flooded by broken-english speaking goat humping dickheads.
How am I supposed to show off my ability to code with completely unrelated avatar change ups when no one will allow me to emasculate my avatar?16
I met a really really nice guy who I'd love to meet irl, @ribchinski
He's the type of guy who's so chill you'd want to fuck a goat with him, you get me?13
wrote some JS to make sure that eForm fields which are hidden/disabled via checkboxes are nullified before the form submission. Checking the request and the fields are definitely empty. But the tester says the data is still appearing in the DB. So i am moving immediately to Nepal where i intend to live as a goat.
My fucking work challenges:
1. "Talk to this thing over the internet" what language does it speak? Fuck knows
2. "Make sure all the files are correct in the server" Our server plan only allows 3 requests per second, and someone is pinging it. Can't do shit.
3. "Shit broke!" You broke it. It was working fine. In fact, all our problems stem from that 1 thing you broke!
4. "Stay here all night" The hallway to the bathroom's door is locked. I can go to my workstation but have to go outside to get to the bathroom!
Fuck, its like you don't want me to succeed
Well my home office is a proper mess currently. It isn't so much an office as a corner desk in the child's nursery, but house hunting went on hold.
It features the likes of my devrant ducky, crazy aarons thinking putty, a stuffed gnu, and a galileo thermometer among other paraphernalia; also a plastic goat that screams when I push down on it. That last one is a huge help to me these last few weeks.1
really gets my goat when people try to shoehorn a trendy framework into something unnecessarily. reactjs.... everywhere1
Ctrl C, go over hear, Ctrl V. This might take a while, I'll go drop a deuce will this is copying over.
[ 3 hours later... ]
Alright, back at it. What's this dialog?
"The destination already has a file named...".
Well, fuck me in the goat ass.
From writing back-end with expressJS to find out how mountain goat climbs near vertical peaks.
My productivity over this weekend is not looking good so far.
Father of a monkey-whoring, succulent dick ass fuck, ever heard of minding your own business? I don't care if you are the FUCKING CFO or whatever the fuck you are, don't fuck with the fucking code. Don't try to come up with your own cum-gargling explanation if an HTTP request results in a FUCKING 503.
You goat-fucking piece of cunt-shit of a fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!4
Fuck you windows and your bizarre line endings.
^M (CR) all over the place now, fuck this, going to make an automated tool now that converts all line endings to LF5
When you have friends that have no idea how to use a computer.
Dave: Dude, I need some RAM
Nathan: Ram? You need a goat?
Dave: Sigh, Back to square one...1
How to say, "I am sorry you are behind, but you promised these documents over a week ago. You said they would take 3 days to make. I have 4 bosses breathing down my neck for them and their derivatives. Give them to me you goat fondler!" but without backlash?
The least he could do is respond to my emails asking for updates
So I call my sig other on the phone. At the start of the conversation I, for fun, make the sound of a goat.
me: ba a a a
other: horny old goat?
me: FFS, Freudian Farm Sounds...1
Why are the requirements changed at the end of the day and make the developers work all night. I am not your goat.2
When they decided to deprecate the old app that went back to early DOS, they decided to use VB.NET because they'd used some VBA and were familiar with it. Except they had a vague idea that C# was faster and decided to write the OpenGL code in that. Also they had some C++ code and decided to write more of it, accessed by the main program via COM.
I come in and the decision is made to integrate some third-party libs via a C++/CLI layer. On one hand screw COM, but on the other we're now using two non-standard MS C++ extensions. Then we decide we need scripting, so throw in some IronPython.
I'm the build engineer for all this, by the way. No fancy package managers since almost all the third-party dependencies are C++; a few of them are open source with our own hacks layered on top of the regular code, a few are proprietary. When I first started here you couldn't build on a fresh SVN checkout (ugh) without repeatedly building the program, copying DLLs manually, building again, ad nauseum. I finally got sick of being called in to do this process and announced that I was fixing it, which took a solid week of staring at failed compiler output.
Every so often someone wants to update that damn COM library and has to sacrifice a goat to figure out how the hell you get it to accept a new method. Maybe one day I'll do a whole rant just based on COM.
I've been doing Android Development for almost an year now. I feel bad that I only found these gems within the last week.4
So Adam was like dog, goat, lion, elephant, squirrel,
"This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh..."
Even the snake was like: "That escalated fast"
I hooked our Web app to Sentry and fixed a bunch of never before perceived errors. It now feels like a bullet train steaming down sturdy tracks instead of a goat suffering from fainting syndrome.
I've taken to only allowing PRs on my code if test coverage only deviates negatively within 1%
You can almost hear the tumbleweed.
But that hasn't been merged in yet
Heres a truly vitrolic and unnecessary rant:
Package control for sublime is all well and good
through the command palette, but it's just
fucking retarded. How about you point me to a
FUCKING COMMAND to actually INSTALL A
MOTHERFUCKING PACKAGE YOU
Under babel plugin while browsing packages
"Find it as Babel through Package Control."
What fucking command? How do I "Find" it?
The browse command just opens my
motherfucking browser. How do I fucking install
your fucking packages you assholes?
"Use autocomplete" except your god damn
autocomplete doesn't list "install package"
for some god damn reason because everything
web is a broken pile of utter shit, built
on a more shit, like a leaning garbage tower
of bullshit waiting for the smallest mistake to
take down the entire house of cards like
someone removing a leftpad on npm.
Maybe specify I have to enter
"install package" and THEN hit enter, and THEN
enter the GOD DAMN MOTHERFUCKING package name
on a separate god damn line for
some fucky reason.
Next time don't make a tool that breaks
motherfucking conventions. It's bad enough
every fucking look-at-me-im-smart cunt of a
dev and their dog has to invent a CLI and
then go and invent a new domain specific
language too motherfuckers.
Next tool that breaks convention around me is
gonna see the dev lit on fire.
fucking uppity cunts.
"Say thanks" the site say. I am not
feeling fucking thankful at the moment.
The least you can do if you're going to
contribute to open source, is not make things
actively fucking worse, least of all in the
FUCK count for this rant: 19 / 50,
RANK: RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC
0-5: GENTLE AS A LAMB
6-10: ANGRY GOAT
11-15: NUN WITH PMS
16-20: RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC
21-25: CANTANKEROUS VIETNAM VET
26-30: BREAKING SHIT
31-35: DOMESTIC DISTURBANCE
36-40: BIPOLAR EPISODE
41-45: DESPAIR EVENT HORIZON
46-50: BROKEN CAPSLOCK
50+ : MIDLIFE CRISIS / MASTER GRAND WIZARD
OF RANTS AND ANGRY-WORD MASTURBATION.
If you prefer to cheat, you may also include any
cursewords in general, but be warned, you'll
never know the sweet taste of victory when you
achieve the rank of master grand wizard.
Like when you were a kid, and you discovered
gameshark, and all your hopes of finishing that
one game became but a ruthlessly hollowed out
husk, somewhere where could-have-been childhood
memories and nostalgia go to die like the
graveyard of dreams
(the same place officer workers souls go).4
Has anyone used plpgsql? You almost have to sacrifice a goat during the function declaration in order for it to work.3
So I had a pet goat... He was this one developer that would walk around and bother people all day. We called him a goat because of the way he would move his mouth and smack during long pauses, like a goat or cow would do with a mouth full of grass.
Staying late, like always. EXCEPT MY GOAT FUCKING, PILLOW IMPREGNATING PIECE OF SHIT PHONE DOESNT PLAY AUDIO ANYMORE! FUCK! Cant use headphones, can't blast it from the speakers, it is so quiet in the office, I actually hear the field cricket WALKING across the ground!
If there's one thing that gets my goat it's "voodoo debuggers."
There's no actual need to dig into the root cause of a problem if you can blame the new thing you don't understand. Especially when later, after someone competent actually looks into it, the bug turns out to be a change in the old stuff that did it.
If there's two things that get my goat, it's people who fix something caused by human error or negligence and then don't write an automated test to catch it the next time it happens.