Join devRant
Do all the things like
++ or -- rants, post your own rants, comment on others' rants and build your customized dev avatar
Sign Up
Pipeless API
From the creators of devRant, Pipeless lets you power real-time personalized recommendations and activity feeds using a simple API
Learn More
-
Interviewer: Welcome, Mr X. Thanks for dropping by. We like to keep our interviews informal. And even though I have all the power here, and you are nothing but a cretin, let’s pretend we are going to have fun here.
Mr X: Sure, man, whatever.
I: Let’s start with the technical stuff, shall we? Do you know what a linked list is?
X: (Tells what it is).
I: Great. Can you tell me where linked lists are used?
X:: Sure. In interview questions.
I: What?
X: The only time linked lists come up is in interview questions.
I:: That’s not true. They have lots of real world applications. Like, like…. (fumbles)
X:: Like to implement memory allocation in operating systems. But you don’t sell operating systems, do you?
I:: Well… moving on. Do you know what the Big O notation is?
X: Sure. It’s another thing used only in interviews.
I: What?! Not true at all. What if you want to sort a billion records a minute, like Google has to?
X: But you are not Google, are you? You are hiring me to work with 5 year old PHP code, and most of the tasks will be hacking HTML/CSS. Why don’t you ask me something I will actually be doing?
I: (Getting a bit frustrated) Fine. How would you do FooBar in version X of PHP?
X: I would, er, Google that.
I: And how do you call library ABC in PHP?
X: Google?
I: (shocked) OMG. You mean you don’t remember all the 97 million PHP functions, and have to actually Google stuff? What if the Internet goes down?
X: Does it? We’re in the 1st world, aren’t we?
I: Tut, tut. Kids these days. Anyway,looking at your resume, we need at least 7 years of ReactJS. You don’t have that.
X: That’s great, because React came out last year.
I: Excuses, excuses. Let’s ask some lateral thinking questions. How would you go about finding how many piano tuners there are in San Francisco?
X: 37.
I: What?!
X: 37. I googled before coming here. Also Googled other puzzle questions. You can fit 7,895,345 balls in a Boeing 747. Manholes covers are round because that is the shape that won’t fall in. You ask the guard what the other guard would say. You then take the fox across the bridge first, and eat the chicken. As for how to move Mount Fuji, you tell it a sad story.
I: Ooooooooookkkkkaaaayyyyyyy. Right, tell me a bit about yourself.
X: Everything is there in the resume.
I: I mean other than that. What sort of a person are you? What are your hobbies?
X: Japanese culture.
I: Interesting. What specifically?
X: Hentai.
I: What’s hentai?
X: It’s an televised art form.
I: Ok. Now, can you give me an example of a time when you were really challenged?
X: Well, just the other day, a few pennies from my pocket fell behind the sofa. Took me an hour to take them out. Boy was it challenging.
I: I meant technical challenge.
X: I once spent 10 hours installing Windows 10 on a Mac.
I: Why did you do that?
X: I had nothing better to do.
I: Why did you decide to apply to us?
X: The voices in my head told me.
I: What?
X: You advertised a job, so I applied.
I: And why do you want to change your job?
X: Money, baby!
I: (shocked)
X: I mean, I am looking for more lateral changes in a fast moving cloud connected social media agile web 2.0 company.
I: Great. That’s the answer we were looking for. What do you feel about constant overtime?
X: I don’t know. What do you feel about overtime pay?
I: What is your biggest weakness?
X: Kryptonite. Also, ice cream.
I: What are your salary expectations?
X: A million dollars a year, three months paid vacation on the beach, stock options, the lot. Failing that, whatever you have.
I: Great. Any questions for me?
X: No.
I: No? You are supposed to ask me a question, to impress me with your knowledge. I’ll ask you one. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
X: Doing your job, minus the stupid questions.
I: Get out. Don’t call us, we’ll call you.
All Credit to:
http://pythonforengineers.com/the-p...89 -
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Assembler Chicken: First, it builds the road ......
C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways.
C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you' d simply refer to him on the other side.
COBOL Chicken: 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES
THEN PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL
ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
ELSE
GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING
Cray Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side frazzled.
Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.
Gopher Chicken: Tried to run but got beaten by the Web chicken.
Intel Pentium Chicken: The chicken crossed 4.9999978 times.
Iomega Chicken: The chicken should have ' backed up' before crossing.
Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, then the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets.) See also WMI Monitor.
Linux Chicken: Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!
Mac Chicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it how to cross the road.
Newton Chicken: Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket.
OOP Chicken: It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.
OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.
Microsoft's Chicken: It's already on both sides of the road. What's more its just bought the road.
Windows 95 Chicken: You see different coloured feathers while it crosses, but when you cook it still tastes like........ chicken.
Quantum Logic Chicken: The chicken is distributed probabilistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your choice.
VB Chicken: USHighways! <TheRoad.cross> (aChicken)
XP Chicken Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.
The Longhorn Chicken had an identity crisis and is now calling itself Vista.
The Vista Chicken dazzled itself with its own graphics.20 -
I came from a village, we have animals (like a farm), pigs, chicken, sometimes duck and goose. One day I had to work from home, bc had to come back to parents house. Our daily skype meeting was like this:
* discussing very important IT stuff *
* grandma rushes into my room *
me: sorry, but i have a meeting
grandma: i just wan...
me: but i cannot right no...
grandma: just wanted to know if...
me: grandma, I cannot right now, we have a skyp... im talking with colleagues, on the computer
grandma: * quiet voice * okay, i dont want to interrupt, I just want to know - Did you ordered the ducks?
* what I hear in headphones: collegues and boss LOLd sooo hard *
me: ffs, what ducks?
grandma: did your father not give you the guys number?
me: * starting to sweat * what guy? no he didnt, i have no idea what youre talking about
grandma: * disappointed * then who gonna order them...?
me: ...
grandma: * standing next to me, she hears the laughter * whats that?
since then, if im working from home every skype meeting starts with "Tommy, is your grandma there? HAHA!"7 -
Aren't all platforms built by developers ?? 🤔🤔it's like advertising and chicken bucket that has chicken in it XD
10 -
Inspired by @h3ll, this is a combination of current and former coworkers:
Awkward Wizard:
This guy has the social skills of a microwaved dog turd. He is a genius, but working with him is about as uncomfortable as sticking a grill skewer in your eye and twisting it repeatedly until close of business. He laughs at inappropriate times, and every time he does, an unborn child tears its own ears off. He explains things in a way that only himself and Satan understand, then talks to you like you're a child when you don't follow his logic. He is the guy you hide when the CEO is around. His code is immaculate.
Backstab McGillacutty:
This bowl of bile is the son of a bitch that takes credit for everybody else's work. When you do something good, he was miraculously involved, but when you mess up, this twat is the dicknose that brings it up in retrospective and calls you out by name to the boss. You can usually find these guys talking shit about the CTO, until the boss quits. Then they buddy up with the CTO and become a Joel Osteen-esque evangelist for everything the CTO wants in a shitty, underhanded attempt to climb the ladder. Fuck this guy.
Professor Fuckwaffle:
This coworker used to teach Computer Science classes. Their resume is amazing, and they can speak to the most complex of design principles. This is the shitstain that you hire because of their skill and knowledge only to find out that ol' fuckwaffle can't apply the shit they spout to save their wretched lives. You'll spend more time listening to fuckwaffle lecture than you will reviewing their code (because they cant fucking write any!) You know the saying, those who can, do, and those who can't, teach? Yeah, that shit was written for Fuckwaffle.
Last but not least:
Scrumdumb:
This guy isn't even a coder. This guy is worse than the the scum you pour out of the bottom of a slow-cooker that you forgot to wash last time you made chicken. He's a non-technical PM. You know the type, right? He usually says "cloud infrastructure," "paradigm," "algorithm," "SDLC," etc but has no grasp of any of them. He often opens his dumpster to spout off something like "You can just create a new class for that" while talking about HTML. I won't waste any more breath on Scrumdumb, he already creates enough work for me.3 -
Who the fuck on earth named it Chef. You idiots, if I google Chef I get people wearing aprons on my browser. And what the fuck is cookbooks, cookbooks for chef returns 60 ways of making chicken. Who on earth has such naming convention for IT DevOps. Recipe, cookbooks, knife. Dafuq is wrong.10
-
My team are the best coworkers I've had. Admittedly I'm only 4 years into my professional career, but my team makes me stay with my current job.
My team do a lot of silly things to keep everyone in a good mood, and stress free. This week we've had a game where in a quote moment you just yell the name of a primitive type (like BOOL). Why? No idea, but we're enjoying it.
We also have a chicken hat that we named Barry. He sits with people on their desk to do code reviews and such. When people leave they get their own Barry to take with them to their new job. We introduce people to him as a regular member of the team.
Sometimes work sucks. Being a developer can be hard, and can be stressful. Working with this team makes it worth it. -
Whoever thinks that coding is easy.
Fuck you motherfucker stupid chicken head nugget sized brain faggots. You think all we do is smash keyboards in front of our screen and it poops code and creates beautiful applications? Fuck you in particular.
One of my friend says sitting on computer for whole day is the easiest thing. What the fuck motherfucker.
One fucking string can fuck your life forever. Innumerable hours will be wasted behind one simple fucked up logic. And u shithead say its easy.
Get into my shoes and let me bang your head on the keyboard and we will see how beautifully it poops code.
Stupid people.14 -
So before today, I'd never used GoDaddy before. Not even once. My supervisor walks in and happily informs me that I'm going to be adding photos to a website that she does editing for. Okay, fine, that's stupidly easy. What I did not realize, however, is that this entire website had been built using GoDaddy's site builder, and if you're not familiar with it, thank whatever gods you worship that you've dodged that bullet. I hardly want to go wandering around somebody else's web hosting, so I search about for a bit praying that there's SOME semblance of a normal text editor someplace, because text editors make me happy and all, and find very little on the regular site. Already not thrilled. So I figure, how bad is this site editor? Really, how bad can it possibly be?
Oh, you poor misguided son of a -
Anyway, I go in and look at the site. Slideshows everywhere, nothing is aligned correctly, it's a web designer's nightmare. Thankfully, I'm not a web designer, so I press on and reorganize a little bit. I try slapping a new slideshow on their, and discover that unlike the way it SHOULD work, elements do not move to allow for other elements, they just sit there and let you throw things on top of them. I stare at my neatly-stacked slideshows for a second in utter disbelief, knowing but not really accepting that I'm going to need to take every last one of those slideshow elements and slide those little so-and-so's down by hand. ....why? Who designed this? Who decided that was a good idea? I do some Googling to see if there's anything out there to make this less horrid, and lo and behold I find a GoDaddy page about their FTP file manager! It's under web/classic hosting, which apparently means it's deprecated because I spent the next ten minutes hunting around for the "web hosting" link those chicken-lickers were so proud of and it's nowhere to be found.
Alright, so they want to do this the hard way.
At this point I'm screaming internally and PRAYING that I'm just being stupid and not seeing anything to make it easi-
No, not even easier. Just less stupid. This website builder makes no sense. It's like hiring a contractor to build a bridge and handing him a box of Legos and a banana.
So I do more googling and find instructions on getting to the file manager. FINALLY. The first step is find "Hosting" under "My Products." I rush over to My Products joyfully, hoping I can get this stupid website up and running reasonably quickly, and...!
There's no hosting tab.
No button.
Not even a little hard-to-see link. At this point my brain is screaming. WHY would you give me a website builder but absolutely no way to actually write the website? Do people actually use this thing? I mean, I get it if they want to make it nice and accessible for people to make websites without overwhelming them with HTML but if they know how to edit the website and they don't want your help, why would you force me in to this? Why? Then it occurred to me that maybe the organization just hasn't ever had a web developer in it, ever, or at least not one who was willing to help out with the website, so they purposefully signed up for hosting that deprived them of any kind of HTML editor. Then on top of all of that, I noticed that on the home page, which had been edited by someone else long before I ever looked at it, ALSO had one of these stupid slideshows that I had to reorganize by hand, and some sad, angry little man had put in one of the photos sideways. It was SIDEWAYS. Just sitting there on its side, the photo's occupants staring at me with sad eyes begging me to turn them facing up again. I sat there and stared at a badly-designed website in a questionably-designed editor. And I wondered. I wondered who put this all together, and I wondered why *I* was the one doing it, when I work for a university and the website was for some beach homeowner's association. And I wondered if this job was a task that my supervisor had agreed to do and just passed off onto an office monkey. And I wept bitter tears at the realization that I am that office monkey.6 -
I love my wife, God bless her, sent her a pdf file via email. Couple of hours later she replied with (and only) 'Can't view the PDF document'
That's it. No reason why, nothing. I was afraid to respond and ask why. "Oh..I accidentally knocked your laptop on the floor and it caught on fire, so I dumped a bucket of water on it." rolled around in my head a few times.
I get home, open the email, click on the document, opened just fine.
Me: "Um, why couldn't open the attachment?"
Wife: "Attachment? What did you do? It wouldn't open for me."
Me: "I just clicked the file. What did you do?"
Wife: "Oh. Supper is ready, help me set the table."
It was all I could do from screaming "OMG! THIS IS NOT THE FIRST ATTACHMENT I HAVE SENT YOU!!"
She made me baked chicken breasts marinated in Italian dressing and some other spices with melted cheese...big baked potato, pile of mix veggies......mmm...so all is forgiven.2 -
A memorial for my favorite rant of all time "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Assembler Chicken: First, it builds the road ......
C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways.
C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you' d simply refer to him on the other side.
COBOL Chicken: 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES
THEN PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL
ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
ELSE
GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING
Cray Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side frazzled.
Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.
Gopher Chicken: Tried to run but got beaten by the Web chicken.
Intel Pentium Chicken: The chicken crossed 4.9999978 times.
Iomega Chicken: The chicken should have ' backed up' before crossing.
Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, then the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets.) See also WMI Monitor.
Linux Chicken: Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!
Mac Chicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it how to cross the road.
Newton Chicken: Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket.
OOP Chicken: It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.
OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.
Microsoft's Chicken: It's already on both sides of the road. What's more its just bought the road.
Windows 95 Chicken: You see different coloured feathers while it crosses, but when you cook it still tastes like........ chicken.
Quantum Logic Chicken: The chicken is distributed probabilistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your choice.
VB Chicken: USHighways! <TheRoad.cross> (aChicken)
XP Chicken Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.
The Longhorn Chicken had an identity crisis and is now calling itself Vista.
The Vista Chicken dazzled itself with its own graphics.21 -
Favorite/most hated language? (I love a good flame war)
Why did you quit your previous job / Moment you've considered quitting your current job?
Why do you think Linux is so much better than OSX? (Ahh yes I feed on apple flavored hipster tears)
What side project are you currently working on?
If you had the best teams and unlimited funds, to be used only on a serious project using both Blockchain, IoT and AI, what would you create?
If you forgot how to code, what other career would you pursue?
What is your "I was so busy wondering if I could, that I forgot whether I should" concept/idea/project?
How many chicken eggs would fit inside the moon if it was hollow? (I like retarded interview questions)
If you started a startup, what unique perk would you offer your developer employees?
Do you under- or overengineer?
Most unnecessary feature you ever had to create?
Most necessary feature your boss/client denied to approve?15 -
Debugger...Chicken I guess? Got it from one of my students last year. Adapter for scale. It's not the size that matters...
2 -
Back then, whatever finished tasks I have done, our CTO always contradicts my idea and finds a way to humiliate me. I don't get the point why he did that. Probably, he didn't want me to excel at something or he really does have crab mentality. I already reported this issue to our CEO because I was being harassed and submitted my resignation letter.
And boom! Guess what? It looks like our CTO just stepped a chicken manure and treats me nicely like a princess.
P.S. To be honest, it took him like a couple of months to step down and act normal like nothing happened. Really appreaciated the A-ffort, though!
10 -
Food and computers.
Sorry for the fat people as well but i think those is legit.
I am sitting next to this friend of mine in class. She is a bit big. Anyhow.
She opens her laptop and i see her screen. Its dirty. But by dirty i mean fucking dirty. Like brow transparent circle like things all over.
I`m like: “shiiiet， whats that on your screen”.
She: “i am not really sure”.
2 days layer in another class we sit together again and she looks at me with a smile.
She: “look my screen is clean. It was dirty because sometimes o sit in bed and eat chicken then type on my keyboard，so when i close my computer the keys touch the screen and voiiiila!”
Me: “..... Wow”
She was quite proud she had elucidated the problem and did not really understand the meaning of my wow.4 -
To this day I can't figure out why people still drink the windows koolaid.
It's less secure, slower, bloatier (is that a word?), Comes with ads, intrudes on privacy, etc. People say it's easier to use than Linux, but 99% of what anyone does happens on a chrome based web browser which is the same on all systems!
When it comes to dev, it boggles the mind that people will virtualize a Linux kernel in Windows to use npm, docker, k8s, pip, composer, git, vim, etc. What is Windows doing for you but making your life more complicated? All your favorite browsers and IDEs work on Linux, and so will your commands out of the box.
Maybe an argument can be made for gaming, but that's a chicken an egg scenario. Games aren't built for Linux because the Linux market is too small to be worth supporting, not that the games won't work on it...25 -
This greek-speaking fucker (who wasn't Greek, he just spoke the language) went full bitch mode when he found out I recommended against giving him a promotion.
While screaming for an hour he called me "ornitophagos", or something that sounded like it.
I'm not quite sure that "chicken eater" is an insult, but it surely seemed like one. Maybe it was some weird attempt at hinduphobia, dunno, I just changed my recommendation to "sack the fucker".8 -
Dear Microsoft Kusto Query Language (KQL)
Screw you. You suck like more than a sudden depressurization event in an airplane. Creating your own freaking query language is bad, the people who invented SQL based it on a the principles of mathematical relational algebra, which although confusing, and not suited for all use cases is at least consistent.
You were invented by a bunch of oxygen deprived halfwits based on the principles of sadism and incompetence.
The only situation in which I would voluntarily use KQL as my tool of choice is if my purpose was to extract a Dantesque style revenge on someone who had committed grievous harm to myself and my family members. In that case forcing them to work with you day in and day out would still border on cruel and unusual punishment.
Sincerely, A developer who has spent the past 2 hours dealing with your Lovecraftian madness.
P.S. I hope you choke on a raw chicken bone and no one gives you CPR.3 -
I'm very dependent on my sense of smell. I always smell whatever I eat or drink. Because of some stuff about my brain that my doctor told me and I forgot, this sense is very precise.
It's so precise in fact that in a closed room I can tell whether a woman is on her period or not. But we're blessed and we're also cursed – put any kind of paint, nail polish, rotten food, so-called "car perfume" near me and I have a headache until I get a full night of sleep.
Coronavirus however fucked up that feeling. When it initially disappeared I was panicking because I felt like a cat with his whiskers cut off. Now it's back and it's strong as usual, but it's different.
Now I can't eat chicken. No matter if it's fresh or not, if I smell chicken my brain just fucking nopes out and tries to vomit.
Corona sucks. Stay safe.37 -
!dev
A child's mind is fascinating.
I remember how it felt being a kid, just deliriously happy.
Things were magical, mystical and happy.
I knew the world wasn't perfect, I knew bad things happened to good people.
But a kid's mind is so powerful that it can fill in the blanks with the most cheerful and optimistic perspectives.
And at some point in my childhood I was exposed to videogames, and that kinda took me down fantasy lane even further.
I was extremely young and barely retaining any memories when I was exposed to my first console, a famicom.
I have a somewhat vivid memory of my mind being blown away for the first time by watching my brother play New Ghostbusters II for NES.
From then on, we never stopped and played several console and dos/pc games.
When I was 10, someone from the neighborhood brought in a couple of floppys with Pokemon Yellow.
"What? Pokemon? How the fuck is that even possible? This is a pc, not a gameboy".
I didn't know at the time what an emulator was, but I was super fucking stoked to be able to play that.
My dad had a 1 gb laptop from work that he didn't use, so I hoarded that shit, and I would get to bed and play nearly everyday.
The experience was surreal. I was doing pc gaming... not on a chair, on a fucking bed, and I was playing a gameboy game... on a pc.
It was so intense to me, that even after more than 2 decades of that time in my life, I still remember how it feels like.
Like, you know how you can "feel" things if you think about them? like for example if you think about the taste of chicken, you can somehow feel it for a second.
Well I have like an actual physical sensation linked to that experience but I can't explain it at all, because it's just a sensation.
I think people usually say they feel that way, for example, about the PSX (usually refered to as ps one) loading screen. I experienced that too but when I was 12, so it was not as intense (it does make me feel the fuzzies though).
I also remember other things with very high detail, like the texture of my bed cover, the weather, mom cooking, the clunky shape of the laptop, the way I carelessly stored it above a pile of magazines, etc.
I rememeber ofc how it felt looking at the game sprites, interacting with NPCs, and the goddamn fucking glorious music.
It was dreamy.
Years and years later, I grew up and I stopped living in fantasy world and became more aware of the grim aspects of life my younger self was sugarcoating.
So I tried to play pokemon again, again and again, and no matter how hard I tried to revive that euphoria, I could not never do it.
I started to get annoyed at the game.
"Come oooon, I did the tutorial already, let me skip this.
This pokemon is useless, why am I even training it.
Fuck, I'm tired of grinding"
At some point I accepted that the feeling would never return, and that it would just live in my memory.
Ironically, I can recall that memory and how it felt anytime I want to.
And I can actually still feel it, and throughtout these years, it has never wore down.
And eventually I learned how to play pokemon and enjoy it:
I read tier lists at smogon online and just catch and train the pokemons that are higher on the list, which is how i got to beat yellow in like 3 days.
(This is nothing compared to what speedrunners do, but much better than the weeks it had taken me in the past).
That served as an important lesson that when a kid plays a game, his mind is also the game at the same time, filling the blanks with its imagination.
A very similar experience happened to me with harvest moon, which is the precursor of stardew valley.
and that game is faaar more emotional: you talk to people, overtime you befriend them and they open up, you meet a girl, you marry her, have a kid
you get farm animals, you brush them, they become happy
you get attached
that game was also so powerful in me that in all naiveness I thought I wanted to be a farmer.
Eventually I grew up and hit puberty and from then on, I focused more on competitive games, like smash bros, cs and tf2.
and i dunno how to end a post so eat my fucking nuts17 -
Hi everybody! I came across this chicken breed, actually called "java bantam". How could I not buy 2 of them? :) Any name suggestions?
17 -
This is how I scored my current job.
I worked at a local newspaper as a sole dev. Nobody knew what I did, neither did they care. The job was miserable, and so was I.
A small design bureau I partly knew, had moved into the building. I hang around in their office quite a bit. Not only because they were cool kids to be with, but also because I hated being in my own office.
One thing led to another, as they say. Eventually the design bureau offered me a job. I was too chicken to jump ship atm, so I declined at first. Then the newspaper had to fire people. It was the ultimate time to jump ship. And now I wasn't only offered a job, I was also offered a partner position.
I still feel kinda lonely, as none of the others are so "dev-y". But it sure as hell beats that crappy newspaper! -
Sometimes it's better to burn a bridge so you don't even think about crossing it in the future.
See, I left a company some years ago because I didn't see my future in it and all management combined had a collective intelligence of a chicken.
However, I got a call from them a couple of months ago asking me if I could return. The salary was double and the working arrangement seemed fine. On paper. WFH. Flexibile hours...
Since I actually liked the project itself for its technical challenge, I accepted the return offer. What a bad idea that was.
Of course, the things that made me leave for the first time had only gotten worse. Bad leadership, idiot developers in team leader positions. Tech debt higher than Mount Everest. Bad infra that makes you want to off yourself every time you work on it. The whole circus.
Seriously, the "senior" team leader will happily merge code that includes assert(true == true), but hold up a well written MR because he has a personal vendetta with the developer.
Personally, I always check him whenever he starts being an ass. But the poor juniors are in hell. They're terrified.
Now I'm leaving again, but this time I've made sure I can't come back.3 -
People caught using emojis in code should be driven into the sea.
Otherwise one day its gonna just be straight magic, without reason or understanding.
You're gonna type a bunch of moon runes into a glowing floaty interface, pour the blood of a chicken into a collector tray (totally not a pentagram) and "shit just happens" (tm).
And "scholars" (neckbeards) will spend all their time shape-in-wrong-hole idiocracy-style button mashing their mystical ouija board IDEs in the grim dark future, looking for combinations that do something useful.
Every time it glows red? Compile error.
Every time it glows green? Christmas is near, congrats it compiled.
Every time it sets off a mystical air siren (henceforth known as "fusrohdah"), runtime error. And probably explosions.
In the grim dark future of Apple 40k. A.D, there is only war, warp demons, and pending VSCode updates.11 -
Win 10 on ARM will not make it. Here's why:
- The devices are ridiculously overpriced.
- Performance is abysmal with emulation.
- Native ports are rare because nobody buys the devices.
- MS doesn't get it.
Instead of addressing the chicken and egg problem, MS even fucks up more: Win 10 S, which is usually pre-installed, can only run shit from the app store. Yeah MS, you think just because Apple gets away with this crap, so can you? Newsflash, Windows isn't iOS, and you aren't Apple.
Even VS 2019 doesn't install the ARM toolchains by default. Because, why would MS entice devs to address ARM64 as conveniently as possible?
MS will just keep gawking at Apple like a pig at a clockwork, and Win 10 on ARM will go down like Windows Phone.31 -
So Minecraft Dunegons launched today.
Not my style of game, but I did purchase hero edition because fuck, the price is LOW given the IP attached and the fact that it was developed by Mojang. $20 for the full game and $30 for full game + extras? Incredibly refreshing in a market where $60 is standard for full game, and up to $75-80 for extras (like "I paid too much money" skins and such. I got a chicken pet and promise of two upcoming DLC with my extra $10)
Anyways I was happy with the price of a game for once and wanted to share!4 -
Does your team also tend to get stuck in the MVP Trap?
You ship a barebones version of a feature. Zero polish. That’ll be done later if it’s successful.
When the stats roll in it seems the feature got a lukewarm reception. A few users liked it, but it wasn’t a hit.
Next sprint starts and everyone asks if we should spend more time on it
The PM argues ”Why would we spend time polishing something no one uses?”
The designer argues ”Well of course no one used it, it looks like shit, we gotta spend some time polishing it!”
It becomes a chicken or the egg scenario.
Your product ends up with a bunch of half assed features. not bad enough to remove, not good enough to spend more time on.4 -
This book isn't at all what I thought it was going to be. I hoped it would be patterns and practices to writing better code...it's more like a philosophical Chicken Soup for the Developer's Soul. Self-care for syntax geeks.
And by that merit, it's actually quite good.
-
QA vs Devs
QA PERSON 1: "They are sending the same thing again!? Did they actually make some change or do they think we're stupid and won't notice that it's the same as the last one?"
QA PERSON 2: "Is this a game of chicken? - Who caves in to the pressure first, loses."
QA PERSON 3: "Nah, it's not a big deal, just let it pass... it's going to be easier for everyone. It's not a critical thing."
On the dev side:
"They accepted it this time, with no changes. LOL They're stupid and useless." -
Dad's coworker (he was a software engineer, I guess it runs in the family) was selling his pentium 2 computer for 100$ and my dad bought it for me to play chicken invaders. Those were simpler times...1
-
So, is there something called Chicken Snack Wrap in other McDonalds ?
It has chicken, bacon, and lettuce in tortilla.
Just got curious cuz thats the only thing i eat in McDonalds. Lol11 -
(mostly !dev) Fuck humans! Really: what a scum bag race. All that shit talk about human dignity, the highest values are just sugar coating the low base motives we mostly live by. Like people have such fine antennas for your income, social status, the power or lack thereof you exert over other. They know it before you open your mouth, that they can pick on you, harass you, because you're the one on the receiving end, the one that bows away. The bullies feel that. On an overcrowded chicken yard you'll find more dignity than in human society.
Everybody drooling over that polished photoshop life on facetubeinsta: materialistic, consumeristic, masturbatic wastage. At least we now say it openly: that if we were the winners, we'd also take it all, live that empty luxury, life of fame. But 99,99% of us, we aren't in that position, just working off our arse to only keep afloat. And for the stars, those fake images, we're just rats to click on ads to better train Google.
No wonder that software, as a picture of human communication is such a shitfest of arbitrary, entropic conventions and endemic epidemic of quirks, bugs and evil trap doors. As a whole: an insults to reason, a challenge to sanity. (...Conway's law)
And I'm still a bit pissed at our profession, that, you know, as engineers, scientists, physicists, we still see us in the lineage of that "great" age of enlightenment and reason,.. while it's all just a cover up. Sure science and their ideas are nice as long as you serve a purpose or make some money. Sure democracy and free speech are great achievements, but in the end some elites and monopolies rule the world at their gusto - and will not stop destroying the world unless we're already one feet in the abyss (like 1962, be we ain't had enough of that shit, hadn't we?)9 -
I once tried my mom's chicken soup and it taste way too salty and awful. Told her there's a bug in her soup.
-
Wow fuck today. I took the day off to watch the eclipse yesterday so coming in today was like Monday squared. Right off the bat I have somebody from last week that I had spend around 8 hours working to get their system right call in and tell me they were cancelling even though everything just got working right.
Also got tasked with documenting the servers which wouldn’t be rant worthy if the dev that set them up didn’t get cranky whenever I ask for credentials or even a rough overview of how the server stack is configured. Then I get a ticket about how a customer is going to get his data from his ‘web guy’ but this customer has been keeping his data in our system for the better part of a decade. Wtf you getting bro? And who is this web guy? What data does he have? Nobody seems to know. And just to smear shit on top it turns out I swapped the addresses on the car parts I sold on eBay and now I have to do 2 returns and cross ship and almost definitely get negative feed back. Fuck everything.
All this before lunch. After lunch I still have the same problems but at least I got chicken!1 -
Me and my aunt. We put a whole frozen chicken into the microwave. After the frost is gone, it starts moving.
“Boiling moisture”, we think. Then, the chicken awakens. “Leave it to boil, lobsters are boiled alive after all”, says my aunt. “No! We’re microwaving a live animal! That’s torture!”, I scream in panic. We switch the microwave off. Chicken — out. No skin, hellish red meat, severe burns. It tries to scream but can’t. I need to put it out of its misery, NOW.
Aunt says “hold it against the table, I’m going to break its neck”. I oblige, and she proceeds to crush its neck with a two-by-four. It turns out, the neck is basically rubber and doesn’t budge. I have a better idea: let’s do something to its brain directly. I take a pin and proceed to find its skull. But there is no skull to be found, just a capri-sun for its head, with a small pocket of something squishy. The chicken keep wheezing loudly, desperate to scream. I poke that pouch with a pin. It splits in half, spilling the insides — gray chalk.
“It’s gone”, says aunt. “Its suffering is over”.
I sigh in relief. That was quite a cooking experience.
Thank god I woke up. It was just a dream.3 -
Once upon a time i had a great idea.
Because i couldnt be bothered to do anything productive i created a simple app in the C# that would look into every .js file (from a game that uses it for the gui/main menu) and search for "//todo" lines.
I did it mostly for kicks. I got that idea when i encountered one //todo in a file when i was trying to mod that game.
Yes i know grep exists: fuck you.
It would have taken me more time to learn that than to write that 20 line program...
The result? Over 30 lines of //todo with some briliant pearls in the type of:
>Temp workaround because X
>Workaround for race condition
>Clean that up
>Obsolete
When i return home i will post real quotes. They might be amusing to read...
The game is based on a custom C++ engine. HTML, CSS and JS is used for main menu and some graphical interface in game.
The most amusing thing is that this inefficient sack of chicken shit is powering one of the biggest (no playerbase but unit, world, gameplay vise) rts that i have ever played.
But still in spite of a dead community, buggy gui as shit and other problems i love this game and a lot of other people love it too. It is a great game when it works correctly.
To the interested: JS portion uses jquerry and knockout lib.14 -
Whenever I have my mac crash and corrupt its OS, I just get a backup harddrive and it copies itself FLAWESSLY. I have all my programs, settings, settings in programs and files.
When Windows crashes, and I use the recovery tool, I LOOSE EVERYTHING. The only thing I get to keep are my files, and they most of the time have permission issues after a restore.
Windows is like the toddler that stares out to void of existance and can't do anything but drool on their shirt, while its parents say he's highly gifted.
Fuck me we're able to choose between only a few OS'es that my clients know and allow me to work on but things like this just make me want to go be a chicken farmer or something.25 -
I’m getting good at cooking. The fucking marvel that salt does when I leave salted chicken for a few hours or overnight is something else.
It feels that this already made anything I make around 50% tastier. The hard part is keeping it to a very low minimum to have a reasonable amount of sodium. The other day I had some thin chicken breast slices that were left salted for a few hours, then I cooked them in unsalted butter with a modest amount of pepper and herbs.
And I’ve just read a few pages of the damn book, I’m so excited for the rest.11 -
i hate you, you and you AHHHHHH
This doesnt have to make sense.
This is a freakin rant for god's sake, not a pull request. I'm not tryna be the best ranter?? Dont mind this rant. Just scroll. B if u can only hear my scream right now from the other side of the world, it sure can cause another big bang.
F u, this sht, (oh ya it's profanity, i got no better term for what im feelin, gahh please rip my head off) and that too, and this one too, all of u
I HATE ALL OF YOU. I BLAME ALL OF YOU FOR ALL MY INCONSISTENCIES. YE, IM TIRED OF TAKING ACCOUNTABILITY. F THAT SHT COZ IT JUST RAISES EXPECTATIONS. I CAN'T EVEN MEET THE DEADLINES I SET FOR MYSELF.
The hell are ambitions and all that "dream life" they tryna sell. Those won't even matter when I can barely get my sht together. UGH. I haven't even seen my friends, the SUN, trees and all normal people things. Dang, I want fried chicken. I haven't had one for a while. I guess I should end this rant here and order one.
I must just be hungry, no?3 -
TL;DR still don't know who 1:11 is...
It looks like my script took screenshots until about 2:50, but there was no activity on the desktop... That means they have to be on A days. I can try to run the script again next Wednesday OR I can use this thing I built to wait until 1:11 and spam the desktop with screenshots claiming to be the NSA... I'm a little too chicken for that lol. Anyways yeah couldn't find out who it was yet and I don't have much time to find out... -
it's been a month of job hunting with no real progress except getting first time calls from the smaller local companies, I decided to take a look at my resume and I figured out that I might be applying the wrong way,
I am applying for a web developer job but I only have work experience in IT support, the closest I have to web development is freelancing( I was really that desperate, lol)
with no university degree and parents that constantly remind me that I am no longer in school like my "mates". I'm trying so hard to be able to fucking prove myself.
I got called by three companies while I was away on unpaid labor with my dad, refused to release me. I thought they would always keep coming that way, I was totally wrong, I'm fucking stupid
I should have put my foot down and stood by my own decision but I was a chicken
this sucks, this "job search" territory and the disappointments that come with it is new to me, I just want to be anything at this point, anything that pays8 -
How do you plan before small software changes?
I have some extremely iterative approach where I change one function or one variable at a time, like a headless chicken. I am not planning beforehand which modules or functions I need to change but start from somewhere and like a linked list, I am moving on until the end.
But I feel like it is wasting my time. What is your approach when you want to have let's say -50 line of code changes?5 -
I thought it would be nice of me to take my fellow Developers for lunch. One of them is total bitch. She ate almost all my fries that I ordered. She ordered Chicken Chopsuey and was not able to that much because had to much fries.
Fuck man!6 -
Me: hey, I noticed we are doing this weird stuff in 'platform A' can we file a story to fix this.
Dev: It must be legacy code or library implementation before my time. By the way it's the same in platform B.
Me: yeah, we will need to fix that too.
Dev: tell you what. For now let's keep our platforms uniform we will fix it when platform B is fixed.
Welcome everyone... to the new chicken egg problem. Where even bugs are needed to be uniform across platforms.1 -
How I feel about people in a meeting
Listening to someone others participating in some meeting (on speaker) (I'm not a part of):
checking configurations, talking about config hierarchies, addressing network stack limitations, etc -- all smart-sounding things. They must be very wise and experienced. It's got to be something very serious they're working on
Participating in a meeting myself:
wtf is he talking about, does he even know what JVM is? No no, this configuration does not make ANY sense. No, Mr manager, this is not how it works. Come on guys, you all running like a headless chicken - USE COMMON SENSE!!
I wonder if anyone else noticed that... I've been noticing this since the very beginning of my IT career.1 -
At my work we have this most generous benefit, free lunch and one hour lunch break. There's one little catch though, our lunch coupons only apply in one of two restaurants. Which one, depends on weekday. Mondays and Thursdays we go to this worthless place called Kvarter 5. Today our one-hour break was a complete waste of time as the food never arrived. GRRRR!!! I get grumpy when I'm hungry! :( I waited patiently for 50 minutes and then gave up, demanding my lunch coupon back, and had lunch at Sagulthai (thai buffet, tasty food, ready to grab with no need to wait). Some of my colleagues staid until the food eventually arrived. They told it wasn't worth the wait. The salmon was burnt and the chicken salad rather bland. Heck no, from now on I'll skip free lunch two days a week. There are so many better restaurants in town, like all of them2
-
In the morning to afternoon i do coding, debugging and sometimes deploying. In the night i just already start to play PUBG. I dont know why i am interested to play this game at the time.
But what i’ve learned while playing it is like looting the weapon and amno, find the easiest enemiest first (bot is still existed in the real game) , make some rotation, call the teammate if i am being knockdown and unluckly we landed then dead without weapon (too-soon) and fight for getting Winner Winner Chicken Dinner !!
Its like what i am doing every single day tobe better as developer, find some literature or articel, try to solve an easiest task, deploy it and boom its getting error and suddenly need to hotfix after it’s work with return 200 expected and no error logs on my APM😅
If you guys play too, share me your pubg id on the comment below.
Lets make some fun party ✌️👍 -
all this talk of australian crypto laws got me thinking. here's a hypothetical (this might get a little complicated):
for the sake of the security facade, the government decides to not ban encryption outright. BUT they decide that all crypto will use the same key. therefore you can not directly read encrypted things, but it's not really encrypted anymore is it?
part two: there's a concept called chicken sexing, named after people who determine the sex of baby chicks. male chicks are pretty useless and expensive to keep alive, so they are eaten. female chicks go on to lay eggs, so ideally, from a financial standpoint, you only raise hens to maturity. this is nearly impossible to discern early on so at first you're just straight up guessing. is this one female? sure? that one? no? really 50/50. BUT if you have a skilled chicken sexer looking over your shoulder, saying right or wrong, then eventually you get better. why? nobody knows. they can't explain it. nobody can. you just sort of "know" when it's female or not. some people can do 1000s of chicks/hr with success up to 98% but nobody can explain how to tell them apart.
part three. final part:
after years, even decades of using this encryption with only one key, I wonder if people (even if only people who are regularly exposed to crypto like NSA analysts or cryptographers) can ever learn to understand it. in the same way as above. you don't know exactly what it says. or how you know it. you didn't run an algorithm in your head or decrypt it. but somehow you get the gist.
28464e294af01d1845bcd21 roughly translates to "just bought a PS5! WOOT!" or even just pick out details. PS5. excited. bought.
but how do you know that? idk. just do.
oh what a creepy future it has become.8 -
Who was the first person to learn to Read?
How did he/she learned if nobody knew?
How did the person knew it was reading if he/she never read before?
Going back to the egg and the chicken 🤔1 -
Just for fun, so if you don't like fun, or humor, stop reading.
Someone in a thread once suggested toppling KFC (a joke of course)
But really, think about it, topple KFC? Why? Everyone knows Chick-fil-A or Wendy's will replace them one day anyway.
Join the "fresh never frozen" rebellion today.
The colonel is some fucking confederate-type anyway.
Clearly KFC appears to be part of the giant commie pinko modern slave state.
If they were real homies they'd sell grape drink.
But do they?
No.
Because it's all about them profits.
They want to be Master.
What's next we're all gonna be forced to wear chicken suits and stand in line begging for tendies while praising a giant golden idol of colonel Sanders like some 2021 throwback to an Aztec god?
Probably Human sacrifices after that. It's an old ritual. When civilizations (we live in a society) run out of meat what do they eat?
Soylent green is people.
Finger licking good.
Praise Sanders. (And please don't sacrifice me next Mr. Sanders! Ill work harder at this writing thing I swear!)7
Top Tags
Weekly Rant
View