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Excuse me boss!
During increment time
Boss : There are 50 bricks on an Plane. If u drop 1 outside. How many
are left?
Employee : That's easy, 49.
Boss : What are the three steps to put an elephant into a fridge?
Employee : Open the fridge. Put the elephant in. Close the fridge
Boss : What are the four steps to put a deer into the fridge?
Employee : Open the fridge. Take the elephant out. Put the deer in. Close the fridge.
Boss : It's lion's birthday, all animals are there except one, why?
Employee : Because the deer is in the fridge.
Boss : How does an old woman cross a swamp filled with crocodiles?
Employee : She crosses it because the crocodiles are at the lion's birthday
Boss : Last question. In the end the old lady still died. Why?
Employee : Er....I guess she drowned....err...
Boss : No! She was hit by the brick fallen from the Plane that's the problem, you are not focused on your job....You may leave now!!!
Moral: If your boss has decided to screw u, no matter How much u prepare u will be screwed.19 -
//long rant but worth it ;)
In our class, we had some writing in Word.
I was the smart PC guy in the class which everybody asked for info. Even the teacher sometimes asked me.
There was a girl in class which I didn't really like, because she had a snoopy attitude and thought she is a queen.
In MC Word you can hide the toolbar with the little arrow on the top right below the close button.
Somehow the girl hid the toolbar and didn't know to let it reappear again. After half a hour the teacher got to the next lesson.
She held her hand up and reported to the teacher that here PC has problems. After 10 minutes try & error from the teacher he even didn't get it.
Now the teacher started the rant and shout at her: "How did you even manage to do this? Did you upload a virus? I bet it is a virus! Do you know how much it costs to repair this pc? It's sure over 1000 $."
The rant continued for 15 minutes. After that I felt a bit guilty and even I didn't like that girl, but nobody deserves such a harsh treatment.
Without saying anything I went to the computer, clicked the little arrow and the problem was solved. The teacher didn't say anything to this topic. Just said we can go early.
Sometimes dump people make a elephant out of a fly, just because they don’t know it better…
Well the girl still stayed a cunt till the end of my scholarship.17 -
I. FUCKING. HATE. MOBILE. DEVELOPMENT.
I already manage the data, devops, infra, and most of the backend dev.
We had a mobile guy. He was great. I never had to think about it and kept moving quickly on my work. #SpecializationOfLaborFTW
He left. Why? Because they wouldn't give him a small raise despite being one of the best mobile engineers in the firm. WTF.
I made the mistake of picking up just enough slack on this workflow in the interim such that I'm, apparently, the fucking god-damned release manager, fixer of pipelines, fixer of build configs, fixer of anything where someone just needs to RTFM for a half-hour to not fucking break things.
Now, 8 months later...and, apparently, Fortune 500 companies are too fucking god-damned cheap to pay for someone who actually knows WTF they're doing for a very reasonable thing to have at least one dedicated set of eyes for.
I never wanted to be a mobile dev.
I never will want to be a mobile dev.
And I certainly don't want to manage your HALF-FACE-FUCKED detached expo configs.
There's a reason I never intentionally involved myself in mobile. All the way down, it's just shitty cross-compilation, transpilation, dependency-hell, brittle-as-fuck build processes so we can foot-gun and mouth-gun react-native and expo and babel and whatever the fuck else cargo-culted horseshit into the wild.
And why? What's the actual fucking root cause? The biggest white elephant that ever fucking elephant-ed? It's because Apple and Google decided to never collaborate on a truly-native cross-platform SDK--where engineers could write native code that compiles to native binaries that's simply write-once, run-everywhere. They know they could have done that, and they didn't. So what'd they get back? Expo--a too-cleverly-designed backdoor/hack--more-or-less a way to circumvent the sane release process software has usually followed: code -> executable -> deploy. Or code -> deploy (for interpreted langs). Expo's like "keep your same executable, we're just gonna to do updates by injecting new code into it whenever we want". Didn't we learn anything with web? Shit gets messy real quick? Not to mention: HEY EXPO, WE WERE ALREADY BUILDING NATIVE APPS, YOU SHORT-SIGHTED FUCKS. THANKS FOR LURING OUR CTOs INTO FORCING EXPO DOWN OUR THROATS W/ THE IMPLICIT (BUT INCORRECT) TOO-GOOD-TO-BE-TRUE PROMISE THAT WE CAN HAVE WRITE-ONCE, RUN-ANYWHERE WITHOUT ANY BUY-IN OR COOPERATION FROM THE ACTUAL TARGET PLATFORMS.
And, we just, like, accept this? We all know it's garbage engineering. The principles we learned in the classroom aren't just academic abstractions--they actually yield real-world results--and eschewing them yields real-world failures. Expo is tightly-coupled to high-heaven, with leaky abstractions six-ways-to-christmas, chock-full of foot-guns, and fails the most basic test of quality: does it, "just work?"
Expo is fucking shameful and it should fucking die. Its promises are too bold, its land-mines too many, its future-proof-ness is alway, always, always questionable as fuck and a risk to every project that uses it.
You want a rant? This is my fucking venue, 'tis not? Well, then this is a piss and vinegar rant straight from my blood-red, beating fucking heart:
EXPO FUCKING SUCKS. AND IF YOU'RE A FAN, YOU FUCKING SUCK TOO.27 -
Requirements vs Delivery - Guide to Programming
This one is a killer and I've received it in multiple forwards in office email, and we always have a good laugh seeing this joke.
Client: “Our next requirement, and this is something big you know, we need an elephant”
IT Team: But why don’t you adjust with a buffalo, even it is big…. and black?”
Client: No, we need an elephant only, let me explain our current process……” (client explains for an hour)
IT Team: Fine, I understand your requirement. But our system supports only a buffalo…
Client:We need only an elephant!
IT Team: Ok, let me see if I can customize it for you”
Requirements are taken as follows:
Client wants a big black four legged animal, long tail, less hair. Having trunk is mandatory. The same was documented, signed off and sent to offshore for development!
At the Offshore Development Centre,
Design/Development – Based on requirement all features are supported in base product (as buffalo), for trunk alone a separate customization is done.
Finally the customization is shown to client:
2 -
Story time!
My exboyfriend used to code in php 5. It’s his favourite programming language, and I hardly teached him how to code in Python.
One day, I said to him: Hey schatz, let’s go to the sex shop ...
He: Oh yeah 😏
Me: ... and buy an elephant thong 😁
He: What?!
Me: Yes, a blue elephant thong for Php
Me laughed
Me: So?
He: No way!
Me: Please!!!!!
He: Ok. I’m working at a cultural events web page. When I got my first client, we’ll go to the sex shop and buy the “php thong”.
Well... I broke up with him before we could go to the sex shop 💔😂😭( for another reasons, not for the php thong, obviously)
Do you have any funny story like this?
28 -
student in an exam
Q: what don't you eat for lunch?
stud Ans: dinner and breakfast.
Q: how do you lift an elephant with one hand?
stud ans: there is no elephant with one hand.1 -
Dev: “Ughh..look at this –bleep- code! When I execute the service call, it returns null, but the service received a database error.”
Me: “Yea, that service was written during a time when the mentality was ‘Why return a service error if the client can’t do anything about it?’”
Dev: “I would say that’s a misunderstanding of that philosophy.”
Me: “I would say it’s a perfectly executed example of a deeply flawed philosophy.”
Dev: “No, the service should just return something that tells the client the operation failed.”
Me: “They did. It was supposed to return a valid result, and the developer indicated a null response means the operation failed. How you deal with the null response is up to you.”
Dev: “That is stupid. How am I supposed to know a null response means the operation failed?”
Me: “OK, how did you know the operation failed?”
Dev: “I had to look at the service error logs.”
Me: “Bingo.”
Dev: “This whole service is just a –bleep-ing mess. There are so many things that can go wrong and the only thing the service returns is null when the service raises an exception.”
Me: “OK, what should the service return?”
Dev: ”I don’t know. Error 500 would be nice.”
Me: “Would you know what to do with error 500?”
Dev: ”Yea, I would look at the error log”
Me: “Just like you did when the service returned null?”
<couple of seconds of silence>
Dev: “I don’t know, it’s a –bleep-ing mess.”
Me: “You’re in the code, change it.”
Dev: “Ooohhh no, not me. The whole thing will have to be re-written. It should have been done correctly the first time. If we had time to do code reviews, I would have caught this –bleep- before the service was deployed.”
Me: “Um, you did.”
<a shocked look from Dev>
Dev: “What…no, I’ve never seen this code.”
Me: “I sat next to Chuck when you were telling him he needed to change the service to return null if an exception was raised. I remember you telling him specifically to pop-up an error dialog ‘Service request failed’ to the user when the service returned null.”
Dev: “I don’t remember any of that.”
Me: “Well, Chuck did. He even put it in the check-in comments. See…”
<check in comments stated Dev’s code review and dictated the service return null on exceptions>
Dev: “Hmm…I guess I did. –bleep- are you a –bleep-ing elephant? You –bleep-ing remember everything.”
<what I wanted to say>
No, I don’t remember everything, but I remember all the drive-by <bleep>-ed up coding philosophies you tried to push to the interns and we’re now having all kinds of problems I spend waaaaay too much time fixing.
<what I said, and lied a little bit>
Me: “No, I was helping Nancy last week troubleshoot the client application last week with the pop-up error. Since the service returned a null, she didn’t know where to begin to look for the actual error.”
Dev: “Oh.”1 -
John von Neumann once said: "With four parameters I can fit an elephant, and with five I can make him wiggle his trunk."
We took it literally
4 -
Boy do I hate office politics...
A client asked our company to fix perf issues on their product. Our coleagues had been picked for the job [being led by another 3rd-party, as per client's request]. Aaand they dropped the ball. The deadline is in 2 weeks, nothing is working.
Mgmt engaged us to put out the fire, but strictly at the scope the other guys were working in.
On the first day of testing we've revealed an elephant-sized perf issue that's as easy to fix as brainlessly changing 4 values in config. And that elephant is masking all the other perf issues.
We got a firm NO for config changes as that is out of the defined scope. And we're asked to continue testing.
I mean, the elephant is THAT huge that any further testing is moot - all other bottlenecks are hidden behind it. And just changing those 4 values would reduce the resources required by a magnitude of ~10.
But that's out of scope...
Client is desperate, lost and honestly asking us, pros in the field, for help.. We know how to help.. It takes 10 seconds to apply the fix..
But our mgmt forbids us to step out of the scope :/
as a result we have to pretend to be dummies hardly knowing what to do and hide the truth from the customer they so desperately want.
This is frustrating. And wrong. And imo unprofessional10 -
Some words of wisdom passed on by our Scrum.
1. I am responsible for setting boundaries. Work time, sleep time, family time, me time. If I don't set them properly, things WILL get unbalanced very quickly. (And I would add, burnout will follow closely).
2. Being productive isn't about doing more and more in less time. It's about doing only the most important things well, and either saying no to the other things, or finding another way to get them done. (Prioritize!)
3. I can't win (let alone run) a marathon by thinking of it as a 26 mile long sprint, or a week as a five day sprint. (Eat a digital elephant a byte at a time).
4. Loved ones are good judges of when things are in and out of balance.
5. Taking time off is essential. Vacations, yes, but also nights and weekends. (Or you WILL burn out and hate what you do).
Comments in () are mine.1 -
Python: I hate the way it uses True/False over true/false
Java: Static. Just fuck static. oh and System.out.println(), why the fuck did they make the basic print function so long to write.
C#: I despise the way the curly braces get automatically put under the function declaration rather than beside it since it's a language style thing.
C: the inability to declare vars in altho declaration of a forloop. Although I think C11 let's you do this.
Javascript: Fucking prototypes.
Coldfusion: it runs like an elephant. Slow and heavy.
Go: The way the compiler won't let you have unused variables/imports. Pain in the ass for testing.17 -
!Rant But after seeing this I laughed like hell I need to share this to all my dev folks.
Client: “Our next requirement, we need an elephant”
IT Team: But why don’t you adjust with a buffalo, even it is big…. and black?”
Client: No, we need an elephant only.
IT Team: Fine, I understand your requirement. But our system supports only a buffalo…
Client:We need only an elephant!
IT Team: Ok, let me see if I can customize it for you”
At the Offshore Development Centre :
BA – Client wants a big black four legged animal, long tail, less hair. Having trunk is mandatory. The same was documented, signed off and sent to offshore for development! Based on requirement all features are supported in base product (as buffalo), for trunk alone a separate customization is done.
Finally the customization is shown to client, and the client faints
Addon to this, testers completed their test case as above
1 -
Me: Can you lift an elephant with one hand?
Bing: You really can't because even the strongest human cannot lift an elephant that has one hand.
Yahoo: Elephant FC vs Oklahoma City - today 15:00GMT.
Baidu: 你不能 你不能 that is how you can.
Yandex.ru: Americans killed the Elephant whilst pointing hands at Russian spy.
DuckDuckGo: Elephants have privacies too and lifting one can bridge DDG policies.
Ask.com: Lifting an elephant is a Metaphor.
AOL.com: No result yet. Subscribe to our Newsletter to get latest updates.
Google: (google.com) wants to access your location.5 -
So my coworker Bilbo died over the weekend of a heart attack. He was one of the first people to take me to lunch at this company. He was always kind and took time to make people welcome. He is a good person and I will miss him. He was only about 50.
He is also this guy:
https://devrant.com/rants/9996423/...
I missed work yesterday as I felt like shit. So today is my Monday. What a shitty Monday. Maybe I will take today off too. Fuck this week.18 -
Like most people I needed some extra cash during uni, so I proceeded to learn CSS + Photoshop (yeah, I know). Followed by PHP and WordPress.
It can be a very shitty platform until you realize that you can stop combining plug-ins from all over the place with dubious code quality and roll your own.
Anyhow I kept at it until I was able to join a niche company doing a quite popular caching plug-in for WP (yeah, W3 Total) when I suddenly became *very* interested in anything and everything performance.
This landed me a very cozy consulting gig in the Nordics - they were using WP for an elephant-traffic website and had run into a myriad of perf issues.
Fixing them and breaking the monolith awarded me with skills in nodejs, linux, asynchronous caching among others.
I was soon in charge with managing the dev boxes for the entire team, and when the main operations dude left, I was promoted to owning the entire platform. (!) Tinkering with Linux for most of my life really came in handy here. (remember Debian potato?)
Used saltstack + aws cloudformation to achieve full parity between all environments. Learned myself some python and all various tips and tricks which in the end amounted to 90% reduction in time-to-first-byte and considerable cost savings.
By the end of the 2yr contract I had turned myself into a fullstack systems engineer and never looked back.
Lawyers not getting along resulted in us having to abandon NewRelic, so I got to learn and deploy the ELK stack as a homegrown replacement, which was super-fun.
Now I work in the engineering effectiveness department of a Swedish fintech unicorn where all languages under the Sun are an option (tho we prefer Python), so the tech stack is unlimited. Infinite tools and technologies, but with strong governing principles and with performance always in mind so as to pick the right tool for the job.
It's like that childhood feeling when you've just dumped a ton of Lego on the floor and are about to build something massive.
I guess the morale here is however disappointed you feel by your current stack - don't. Always strive to make things better, faster, more decoupled, easier to test, etc. and always challenge yourself to go outside the comfort zone.6 -
There's nothing like sitting on the edge of your seat when you see a monster batch of records get sent updates.
This system was built 5 years ago and it's "peak" batch size has been < 400 records in a day, it usually sits around < 100.
It's not a big system and just runs in the background. So yea small numbers for this guy.
today though, I thought something fell down and shit its self, someone decided to add a a few thousand records to this thing and update a fuck tonne of data (for this system anyway)😬
The damn thing is standing it's ground and churning, but fuck, the scale of things is beyond what we ever thought it would have to deal with at any one time.
Build for the insane benchmarks kids, one day... someone's going to drop an elephant on it.5 -
GRANDPAFUCKING RETARDS!
I HOPE YOU ALL DIE ON SOME ELEPHANT DICKS TURNED AROUND YOUR HEADS WHILE GETTING RAPED BY THOUSANDS OF GIRAFFES (EACH OF THEM BEING SO HORNY THAT THEY ALSO COULD FUCK YOUR WIFE AT THE SAME TIME!)
THEY ASK ME A FUCKING QUESTION AND ONLY GIVE ME THE OPTION TO AGREE ON THE COOKIE POP-UP TO ENTER THE WEBSITE! YOU DIPSHITS!
YOU SISTERFUCKING ASSHOLES!
WELL... I FUCKING CLICKED "AGREE" AND WHEN I FINALLY FOUND THE PRIVACY CENTER (LOL) THE SAME FUCKING POP-UP DID APPEAR!
HOW ABOUT YOU FUCKING FUCK YOURSELF, DISTROWATCH?!
Btw. they really still use tables instead of proper css styling.
DO WE LIVE IN THE FUCKING STONE AGE?!
10 -
Silicon Valley last episode, what a climax in the end. The best was, "we need to address the elephant in the room" 😂😂1
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Yesterday I had a good idea for a project I'm working on, so I decided to stay awake all the night drinking RedBull in order to implement it.
Eventually I went to bed. I dreamed I was on an island with some friends and a volcano erupted. We escaped from the lava boarding on a big boat, then a tsunami wave reached the boat. Boat didn’t sink, however electric power went down. When the electric power returned, on the boat screens appeared the following text: "Please, restart MySQL". However, under it there was the PostgreSQL elephant logo. I was someway more worried about that rather than the tsunami. After that, a hurricane was coming too. We were saved by people coming with a spaceship, however they appeared to be drunk. I woke up thinking «WTF!».
This morning my husband told me our 4 cats made fuss all the night.1 -
EoS1: This is the continuation of my previous rant, "The Ballad of The Six Witchers and The Undocumented Java Tool". Catch the first part here: https://devrant.com/rants/5009817/...
The Undocumented Java Tool, created by Those Who Came Before to fight the great battles of the past, is a swift beast. It reaches systems unknown and impacts many processes, unbeknownst even to said processes' masters. All from within it's lair, a foggy Windows Server swamp of moldy data streams and boggy flows.
One of The Six Witchers, the Wild One, scouted ahead to map the input and output data streams of the Unmapped Data Swamp. Accompanied only by his animal familiars, NetCat and WireShark.
Two others, bold and adventurous, raised their decompiling blades against the Undocumented Java Tool beast itself, to uncover it's data processing secrets.
Another of the witchers, of dark complexion and smooth speak, followed the data upstream to find where the fuck the limited excel sheets that feeds The Beast comes from, since it's handlers only know that "every other day a new one appears on this shared active directory location". WTF do people often have NPC-levels of unawareness about their own fucking jobs?!?!
The other witchers left to tend to the Burn-Rate Bonfire, for The Sprint is dark and full of terrors, and some bigwigs always manage to shoehorn their whims/unrelated stories into a otherwise lean sprint.
At the dawn of the new year, the witchers reconvened. "The Beast breathes a currency conversion API" - said The Wild One - "And it's claws and fangs strike mostly at two independent JIRA clusters, sometimes upserting issues. It uses a company-deprecated API to send emails. We're in deep shit."
"I've found The Source of Fucking Excel Sheets" - said the smooth witcher - "It is The Temple of Cash-Flow, where the priests weave the Tapestry of Transactions. Our Fucking Excel Sheets are but a snapshot of the latest updates on the balance of some billing accounts. I spoke with one of the priestesses, and she told me that The Oracle (DB) would be able to provide us with The Data directly, if we were to learn the way of the ODBC and the Query"
"We stroke at the beast" - said the bold and adventurous witchers, now deserving of the bragging rights to be called The Butchers of Jarfile - "It is actually fewer than twenty classes and modules. Most are API-drivers. And less than 40% of the code is ever even fucking used! We found fucking JIRA API tokens and URIs hard-coded. And it is all synchronous and monolithic - no wonder it takes almost 20 hours to run a single fucking excel sheet".
Together, the witchers figured out that each new billing account were morphed by The Beast into a new JIRA issue, if none was open yet for it. Transactions were used to update the outstanding balance on the issues regarding the billing accounts. The currency conversion API was used too often, and it's purpose was only to give a rough estimate of the total balance in each Jira issue in USD, since each issue could have transactions in several currencies. The Beast would consume the Excel sheet, do some cryptic transformations on it, and for each resulting line access the currency API and upsert a JIRA issue. The secrets of those transformations were still hidden from the witchers. When and why would The Beast send emails, was still a mistery.
As the Witchers Council approached an end and all were armed with knowledge and information, they decided on the next steps.
The Wild Witcher, known in every tavern in the land and by the sea, would create a connector to The Red Port of Redis, where every currency conversion is already updated by other processes and can be quickly retrieved inside the VPC. The Greenhorn Witcher is to follow him and build an offline process to update balances in JIRA issues.
The Butchers of Jarfile were to build The Juggler, an automation that should be able to receive a parquet file with an insertion plan and asynchronously update the JIRA API with scores of concurrent requests.
The Smooth Witcher, proud of his new lead, was to build The Oracle Watch, an order that would guard the Oracle (DB) at the Temple of Cash-Flow and report every qualifying transaction to parquet files in AWS S3. The Data would then be pushed to cross The Event Bridge into The Cluster of Sparks and Storms.
This Witcher Who Writes is to ride the Elephant of Hadoop into The Cluster of Sparks an Storms, to weave the signs of Map and Reduce and with speed and precision transform The Data into The Insertion Plan.
However, how exactly is The Data to be transformed is not yet known.
Will the Witchers be able to build The Data's New Path? Will they figure out the mysterious transformation? Will they discover the Undocumented Java Tool's secrets on notifying customers and aggregating data?
This story is still afoot. Only the future will tell, and I will keep you posted.6 -
I had a nightmare where the PHP elephant was charging to attack me... nothing like the friendly Postgres elephant.11
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Every new joiney in a team is like a person entering in room from bright sunlight.
They keep on suggesting until their pupil get dilated and they see the creature they have to work on.
Half elephant, parts horse and parts bear suppose to do work of T-Rex.2 -
I just realized how weird my searches would seem to an outsider
"python twisted vs falcon celery"
"python hug vs falcon"
I do like naming stuff as animals though. Maybe we should sort all of the python web servers by speed and name them accordingly.
Falcon is obviously the fastest, we can name twisted cheetah, and all the way at the end Django becomes elephant. Big and powerful but soooooooooo slow. -
Another draw I found while cleaning my room. I made this on my last semester of the career at university.
Yeah, another Php. Remember the “Php elephant thong guy”? (Reference to another rant I posted) Here I’m fighting him with several programming languages. I remember that I made this because he only coded on php and jQuery, and I said to him “you’ll need to learn another languages if you want to apply to a new job”.
Which programming languages can you identify?
P.D. I don’t like PHP that much, I’d rather use Python or C#
2 -
We had a Christmas party at work. We did a traditional white elephant gift game. I stole some larping swords from one guy, somebody else stole them from me, and another guy named Bilbo stole them and ended up with them.
After the party I am at my desk. Bilbo comes over with the swords and gives them to me. He said, "You looked like you really wanted these." I said thank you. I was really touched by that gesture.
Bilbo had tried to get golf balls during the game and lost them. So I went to the store at lunch today and got him a 12 pack of Titleists for $25. I don't golf, but people I work with say they are good. I left these on his desk. He comes to me later and says, "I cannot accept these. It is just too much money." I said its not too much and explained I was touched by his gesture. He tells me to take them back and get something nice for myself. Which is another nice gesture. Bilbo said when we get back from Christmas break we can do lunch.
So I am a bit baffled. Did I cross a line I shouldn't cross? Is Bilbo just too nice? I was really hoping he would enjoy this. I get it. We are coworkers and not family. I truly respect and like the guy.
Anyway, I am unsure what to do with them. I didn't really want to take them back. I tried to give them to another guy I work with and he wouldn't take them either. One talked about paying for them then decided he didn't want them. I have more shopping to do so I can take them back then. It kind of weirds me out to say $25 is too much money. I can hardly go a day without spending that much on a couple of random small things.9 -
Went to the O’Reilly conference on architecture last week. Will say there were some good points made (really liked the elephant in architecture and tech debt talks). But wow developers love to circlejerk. If you don’t deploy microservices on the cloud with serverless actions for everything then they’ll talk down to you like what you do isn’t important. Like so many talks memed monoliths were annoying. Like I get we love the new and shiny things but it’s kinda ridiculous.1
-
This is the third part of my ongoing series "The Ballad of the Six Witchers and the Undocumented Java Tool".
In this part, we have the massive Battle of Sparks and Storms.
The first part is here: https://devrant.com/rants/5009817/...
The second part is here: https://devrant.com/rants/5054467/...
Over the last couple sprints and then some, The Witcher Who Writes and the Butchers of Jarfile had studied the decompiled guts of the Undocumented Java Beast and finally derived (most of) the process by which the data was transformed. They even built a model to replicate the results in small scale.
But when such process was presented to the Priests of Accounting at the Temple of Cash-Flow, chaos ensued.
This cannot be! - cried the priests - You must be wrong!
Wrong, the Witchers were not. In every single test case the Priests of Accounting threw at the Witchers, their model predicted perfectly what would be registered by the Undocumented Java Tool at the very end.
It was not the Witchers. The process was corrupted at its essence.
The Witchers reconvened at their fortress of Sprint. In the dark room of Standup, the leader of their order, wise beyond his years (and there were plenty of those), in a deep and solemn voice, there declared:
"Guys, we must not fuck this up." (actual quote)
For the leader of the witchers had just returned from a war council at the capitol of the province. There, heading a table boarding the Archpriest of Accounting, the Augur of Economics, the Marketing Spymaster and Admiral of the Fleet, was the Ciefoh Seat himself.
They had heard rumors about the Order of the Witchers' battles and operations. They wanted to know more.
It was quiet that night in the flat and cloudy plains of Cluster of Sparks and Storms. The Ciefoh Seat had ordered the thunder to stay silent, so that the forces of whole cluster would be available for the Witchers.
The cluster had solid ground for Hive and Parquet turf, and extended from the Connection River to farther than the horizon.
The Witcher Who Writes, seated high atop his war-elephant, looked at the massive battle formations behind.
The frontline were all war-elephants of Hadoop, their mahouts the Witchers themselves.
For the right flank, the Red Port of Redis had sent their best connectors - currency conversions would happen by the hundreds, instantly and always updated.
The left flank had the first and second army of Coroutine Jugglers, trained by the Witchers. Their swift catapults would be able to move data to and from the JIRA cities. No data point will be left behind.
At the center were thousands of Sparks mounting their RDD warhorses. Organized in formations designed by the Witchers and the Priestesses of Accounting, those armoured and strong units were native to this cloudy landscape. This was their home, and they were ready to defend it.
For the enemy could be seen in the horizon.
There were terabytes of data crossing the Stony Event Bridge. Hundreds of millions of datapoints, eager to flood the memory of every system and devour the processing time of every node on sight.
For the Ciefoh Seat, in his fury about the wrong calculations of the processes of the past, had ruled that the Witchers would not simply reshape the data from now on.
The Witchers were to process the entire historical ledger of transactions. And be done before the end of the month.
The metrics rumbled under the weight of terabytes of data crossing the Event Bridge. With fire in their eyes, the war-elephants in the frontline advanced.
Hundreds of data points would be impaled by their tusks and trampled by their feet, pressed into the parquet and hive grounds. But hundreds more would take their place. There were too many data points for the Hadoop war-elephants alone.
But the dawn will come.
When the night seemed darker, the Witchers heard a thunder, and the skies turned red. The Sparks were on the move.
Riding into the parquet and hive turf, impaling scores of data points with their long SIMD lances and chopping data off with their Scala swords, the Sparks burned through the enemy like fire.
The second line of the sparks would pick data off to be sent by the Coroutine Jugglers to JIRA. That would provoke even more data to cross the Event Bridge, but the third line of Sparks were ready for it - those data would be pierced by the rounds provided by the Red Port of Redis, and sent back to JIRA - for good.
They fought for six days and six nights, taking turns so that the battles would not stop. And then, silence. The day was won, all the data crushed into hive and parquet.
Short-lived was the relief. The Witchers knew that the enemy in combat is but a shadow of the troubles that approach. Politics and greed and grudge are all next in line. Are the Witchers heroes or marauders? The aftermath is to come, and I will keep you posted.4 -
Today I was debugging some shitty code left by unknown developer whos linkedin account is dead and phone number left in contact card calls local pizza house.
I knew it qould be hard so i've made myself comfortable, gathered 5 redbulls and other items that diabetes people would kill for eating again.
After around 10 minutes i was already frustrated but i kept the pace. "Who is the best, little devie, you!" - I fooled my ego to keep up and shut up.
After around 10 next minutes my attention span has ended. Limbic system started injecting some hormones into my brain, but I remained silent.
First two energy shots were applied. I felt like hero again. Two minutes after I was debugging through some library that was written fo java and found out that it ahots some natives to a c lang lib called "mypreciouslib".
Oh flock, how can i debug it if ita compiled , I cannot do such things, Me be only junior dev. I started swearing, but silently.
Started ollydbg to see what is inside livrary, i searched through but i couldnt match anything it was like mess stirred with fecals of an elephant.
So I opened aida pro " with vitamins" cause obviously, our pm says "but you write in java right " so we dont need those tools right ? Fuck no.
Aida was better at least i could find some funcions calls, but hey, the progress. I was swearing out loud, with earplugs in. And by the time I've sweared all the things in company i got a reminder.
"Hey -insane- stop swearing, the children are here."-sayys pm, it is some kind of " family and work " shitfuck day.
So i asked them: " why wouldnt you buy this fucking tools for programmming for us , you wouldnt have to hear me fucking swearing" . then i realized that , colleagues in room heard all of it, and one of them, total fuckface buttlicker(dev without bit of knowledge) started something like "you are wrong, see how good our software is sellling". Pm was like smiling like he thanked him for buttlicking again. Not to mention he is officially retarded and i know his password to all our services cause he is so smart to put it into text file and then have sharing files in windows turned on.
The other one told aloud, that we would be much better with some debugging tools that are better than fucking eclipse if we have to work without code.
PM told us that he will arrange a meeting. At that point I didnt care any longer. I just fired myself, fuck them.
Please saint Stallman give me hope and joy of programming from my teenage years. Uhhh..2 -
I always thought the gradle icon in Android Studio was a mouse with its tail. Yesterday one of my colleagues told me that it was an elephant. Never realized it until now 😐4
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Of course the shouting episodes all happened during the era I was doing WordPress dev.
So we were a team of consultants working on this elephant-traffic website. There were a couple of systems for managing content on a more modular level, the "best" being one dubbed MF, a spaghettified monstrosity that the 2 people who joined before me had developed.
We were about to launch that shit into production, so I was watching their AWS account, being the only dev who had operational experience (and not afraid to wipe out that macos piece of shit and dev on a real os).
Anyhow, we enable the thing, and the average number of queries per page load instantly jumps from ~30 (even vanilla WP is horrible) to 1000+. Instances are overloaded and the ASG group goes up from 4 to 22. That just moves the problem elsewhere as now the database server is overwhelmed.
Me: we have to enable database caching for this thing *NOW*
Shitty authors of the monstrosity (SAM): no, our code cannot be responsible for that, it's the platform that can't handle the transition.
Me: we literally flipped a single switch here and look at the jump in all these graphs.
SAM: nono, it's fine, just add more instances
Me: ARE YOU FUCKIN SERIOUS?
Me: - goes and enables database caching without any approvals to do so, explaining to mgmt. that failure to do so would impair business revenue due to huge loading times, so they have to live with some data staleness -
SAM: Noooo, we'll show you it's not our code.
SAM: - pushes a new release of the monstrosity that makes DB queries go above 2k / page load -
...
Tho on the bright side, from that point on I focused exclusively on performance, was building a nice fragment caching framework which made the site fly regardless of what shitty code was powering it, tuned the stack to no end and learned a ton of stuff in the process which allowed me to graduate from the tar pit of WP development.5 -
Don't think too big at first. You'll definitely get there if you play it smart. Babysteps, kiddo, start with the babysteps. We've all been there, we've all started with all the hello-worlds.
Never trust a sole source of information. Always have doubts and double-tripple check with other sources. Some tutorials are misguiding, others could be solving slightly different problems than they appear to at the first glance
listen to the seniors/mentors. Seek for mentorship. This field is too vast to absorb it on your own. Mentors will help you there.
Before diving into coding make sure you know what you want to build, how it'll work. "I'll make it move somehow" is the straightest path to disappointment. Think it through, ask mentors for help if you need
If you're building an elephant, start with his front left feet's toes. Don't start with the elephant.
Always test.
Most importantly - have fun! -
I don’t know if this job application question was to troll the applicant or the HR was being serious:
18 -
I love cats more than dogs.
Despite being domesticated, cats remain true predators with true predator skills and the pedigree that comes with them. The evidence is your local government mandating house cats should wear bell collars to warn birds, as they threaten their extinction otherwise.
Modern dogs are mere scavengers that live off people and eat trash. They evolved to be cute by tilting their heads. Dogs aren't useless, mind you, I just like cats more.
But both dogs and cats are dwarfed by YE MIGHTY FROGGE. Frogs are the most fascinating and magnificent creatures to ever roam this troubled planet, maybe rivaled only by orcas. Frogs are the best. They're also the cutest, especially when touching a small yellow one can kill an elephant.11 -
Went to a Big Data workshop, now I know why there's a elephant as hadoop's logo and how it came. Still no clue how it works.
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What fucking moron thinks Bootstrap is a skill? It's a crappy CSS and js library with the same crappy overused design and the (metaphorical) size/quality of an elephant turd. It's times like this I wish I could forget about not upsetting people and reply with a big fat go fuck yourself. Fuck me.
9 -
Using Microsoft's docs for Azure is about as fun as Spreading Your Ass Cheeks for an incoming elephant dick.3
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Arg trying to code in a project that is like a book with chapters. Each sentence is written in a different language, the words of each sentence are in the wrong order, the paragraphs are in the wrong chapters and the book is an elephant. 🐘
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The absence of backward compatibility in php updates should be illegal and the developers responsible for that should be trampled by an elephant with the PHP logo painted on its side.12
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I’m working on a new app I’m pretty excited about.
I’m taking a slightly novel (maybe 🥲) approach to an offline password manager. I’m not saying that online password managers are unreliable, I’m just saying the idea of giving a corporation all of my passwords gives me goosebumps.
Originally, I was going to make a simple “file encrypted via password” sort of thing just to get the job done. But I’ve decided to put some elbow grease into it, actually.
The elephant in the room is what happens if you forget your password? If you use the password as the encryption key, you’re boned. Nothing you can do except set up a brute-forcer and hope your CPU is stronger than your password was.
Not to mention, if you want to change your password, the entire data file will need to be re-encrypted. Not a bad thing in reality, but definitely kinda annoying.
So actually, I came up with a design that allows you to use security questions in addition to a password.
But as I was trying to come up with “good” security questions, I realized there is virtually no such thing. 99% of security question answers are one or two words long and come from data sets that have relatively small pools of answers. The name of your first crush? That’s easy, just try every common name in your country. Same thing with pet names. Ice cream flavors. Favorite fruits. Childhood cartoons. These all have data sets in the thousands at most. An old XP machine could run through all the permutations over lunch.
So instead I’ve come up with these ideas. In order from least good to most good:
1) [thinking to remove this] You can remove the question from the security question. It’s your responsibility to remember it and it displays only as “Question #1”. Maybe you can write it down or something.
2) there are 5 questions and you need to get 4 of them right. This does increase the possible permutations, but still does little against questions with simple answers. Plus, it could almost be easier to remember your password at this point.
All this made me think “why try to fix a broken system when you can improve a working system”
So instead,
3) I’ve branded my passwords as “passphrases” instead. This is because instead of a single, short, complex word, my program encourages entire sentences. Since the ability to brute force a password decreases exponentially as length increases, and it is easier to remember a phrase rather than a complicated amalgamation or letters number and symbols, a passphrase should be preferred. Sprinkling in the occasional symbol to prevent dictionary attacks will make them totally uncrackable.
In addition? You can have an unlimited number of passphrases. Forgot one? No biggie. Use your backup passphrases, then remind yourself what your original passphrase was after you log in.
All this accomplished on a system that runs entirely locally is, in my opinion, interesting. Probably it has been done before, and almost certainly it has been done better than what I will be able to make, but I’m happy I was able to think up a design I am proud of.8 -
Compromise.
I think that sums up development pretty much.
Take for example coding patterns: Most of them *could* be applied on a global scale (all products)… But that doesn't mean you *should* apply them. :-)
Find a matching **compromise** that makes specific sense for the product you develop.
Small example: SOLID / DRY are good practices. But breaking these principles by for example introducing redundant code could be a very wise design decision - an example would be if you know full ahead that the redundancy is needed for further changes ahead. Going full DRY only to add the redundancy later is time spent better elsewhere.
The principle of compromise applies to other things, too.
Take for example architecture design.
Instead of trying to enforce your whole vision of a product, focus on key areas that you really think must be done.
Don't waste your breath on small stuff - cause then you probably lack the strength for focusing on the important things.
Compromise - choose what is *truly* important and make sure that gets integrated vs trying to "get your will done".
Small example: It doesn't really matter if a function is called myDingDong or myDingDongWithBells - one is longer, other shorter. Refactoring tools make renaming a function an easy task. What matters is what this function does and that it does this efficiently and precise. Instead of discussing the *name* of the function, focus on what the function *does*.
If you've read so far and think this example is dumb: Nope... I've seen PR reports where people struggled for hours with lil shit while the elephant in the room like an N+1 problem / database query or other fundamental things completely drowned in the small shit discussion noise.
We had code design, we had architecture... Same goes for people, debugging, and everything else.
Just because you don't like what weird person A does, doesn't mean it's shit.
Compromise. You don't have to like them. Just tolerate them. Listen. Then try to process their feedback unbiased. Simple as that. Don't make discussions personal - and don't isolate yourself by just working with specific persons. Cause living in such a bubble means you miss out a lot of knowledge and insight… or in short: You suck because of your own choices. :-)
Debugging... Again compromise: instead of wasting hours on debugging a problem, ASK for help. A simple: Has anyone done debugging this before or has some input for how to debug this problem efficiently?... Can sometimes work wonders. Don't start debugging without looking into alternative solutions like telemetry, metrics, known problems etc.
It could be a viable, better long term solution to add metrics to a product than to debug for hours ... Compromise. Find a fitting approach to analyze a problem instead of just starting a brute force approach.
....
Et cetera et cetera. -
The half-abandoned town of Chrysler, Arkansas (population of 3), was swiftly decommissioned as I noticed a characteristic bright yellow birthmark on her hand. “You have to choose” — I said, “unavoidable and painful death, or decommissioning and relocation. You live in a charred shed anyway.”
Prince The Elephant caught steelpox in 1937. It was alone in its compartment, locked out, as the evil fungus was slowly and painfully turning its body into cast iron. Rusty but ornate, 19th century metal throne was there too. The Throne was talking to Prince. When it spoke, it could put its words into your head as commands, as if there were your own thoughts. It did it so authoritatively that it seemed like the language itself was different, but it wasn’t.
The throne was coercing Prince into fusing together, cast iron to cast iron. Every day we heard Prince’s screams as steelpox was mutilating its body, as well as awful banging as Prince was stomping on The Throne, trying to silence it. The Throne didn’t budge. It just kept talking. Over the course of four months, it won Prince over.
Prince’s final agony was unbearable. As its throat and eyes were ironified, [dream fragment lost].
French public was largely empathetic. Throne-Prince was definitely still alive, although differently.
The American public, however, nicknamed it The Iron Freak. -
Productivity hack - For me, it’s mostly a single word - planning. I wasn’t always good at it, definitely not yet a “master” of it, but breaking that proverbial elephant up into smaller pieces, and organizing a plan of action for dealing with them is the #1 productivity “hack” for me. Sorry that it’s not an actual shortcut, or anything…I personally don’t believe in those anymore. Complementary habits to this are thoroughly commenting code, having descriptive commit messages, file names, and variable names, maintaining documentation. Use that Readme.md. This is true of any project, even if I’m the only developer - never underestimate your own ability to totally forget shit.1
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The History of The Scriping Lanuages (JavaScript, Python, and especially PHP):
Once upon a time someone found themselves stranded in the middle of the wilderness without nothing to eat or drink. Having watched Bear Grills as a kid, they grabbed a chunk of elephant excrement and started drinking from it, and the poop saved their life. In that moment, under those very specific and dire circumstances, in that very small scale, excrement was an appropriate solution; but that person did not ever drink from poop again.
Alas, upon hearing this tale, people from around the continent got fascinated with this new extraordinary recipe that had the capacity of saving lives! This new treat became viral. Shit juice, shit pie, and even a shitmulated Microsoft 98! Businesses built their foundations with shit, shit factories, individual shit brokers and recruiters! Everyone wanted a piece of this convenient and disruptive delicacy!
But, alas! as that first person knew, these implementations were not much more than mere shit1 -
So Adam was like dog, goat, lion, elephant, squirrel,
then:
"This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh..."
Even the snake was like: "That escalated fast" -
Who the hell is Dhruv, and why is Twitter suggesting I follow them? That jumping elephant drives me nuts!2
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You dipshits! Yet again...
- use contract X from team WeJustFuckUp
- WeJustFuckUps tell me I "used the contract with the wrong semantics"
- What the fuck how is that possible!? Explain to the fuck ups that if it's the wrong semantics then it shouldn't be documented. Ask what right semantics is... They do not support their own correct semantics...
Fuck you! Just say you fucked up and come to me with a new contract!
Two weeks pass, new contract breaks half the functionality... And they ask me: "is it a problem? Can't you use it as is?"
Now listen here you pile of elephant dung, you have an unresponsive system with an unscalabe architecture... You have twisted contracts and you come to me to fix them!? I have more to do then to babysit your assess!
I am so tired of your bulshit... You are a bunch of prairie dogs hitting keyboards and call yourself developers!? My dog is a better developer, he at least does not break he's own software and when he takes a massive dump he owns it...
I am this close to making a request of changing your work computers to an abacus! It's all you can handle...
Fuck off! You are waste of resources and your parents should be spanked!!
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