"Remember that script you made a few years ago? How did you make it work with product x?"

Dude, I can barely remember how I brewed coffee this morning.

I have to say, Microsoft does a great job when it comes to wallpapers

Client: It works, it looks great! Thanks for everything!
Me: What? That isn't the new application, that's your old one. Your new one goes live tonight.

My work keyboard is slim and quiet, 45 wpm.

Replaced it with my clickity clackety keyboard, 70 wpm and made the hipsters move away from me.

#Winning

During a penetration test, I was dropped off in a Navy SEAL Ranger Black Hawk helicopter on the top of a 300 story building. I repelled to the 150th floor with fishing line, carved out a window, and installed Kali on the office door knob. I then typed out l337 HTML code in notepad and gained access to the mainframe. Then, some guy named John McClane wouldn't stop asking me for advice as I roped down the elevator shaft cable. I then walked outside, got my shoe shined, and the CEOs daughter came up to me saying she wants to take me to dinner because I'm the most l337 of the l337.

"Man, Python is easy, I just import everything. Like, import * from *."

This girl wrote "Hey handsome" on a napkin and gave it to me. It was written in Python 2.7.

I guess you could say we're serious now.

I made a script for this group to verify their data, but they didn't want to use it because it's "only 50 lines of code and might miss something".

I made a web app team mad because I'm forcing them to implement HTTPS on their huge website made of sticks and stones.

NO REGRETSSS

I ended a 15 year friendship after realizing I've been used as an ego-boosting distraction, rather than a friend. I was sad at first, but then this program I wrote ran perfectly on the first try. 🕺

This lady was screen sharing during a meeting. At the GUI login for her Linux box, she accidentally typed in her password for the username. In front of 50 people, she showed everyone her password was "Tittays69" 😂

Last week my company fired 4 people (on top of 15 more over the past few months). This week they silently pushed a change to all of our machines that changed our wallpapers. The wallpaper was a picture of someone in upper management staring at you with wide eyes.

They claimed it was a joke or something but the office didn't see it that way. At best it was incredibly tone deaf and stupid, at worst it was a way to tell employees that they are always watching.

I have no idea how management could be that fucking out of touch.

Hello, world!

Hey, it's me. It's been awhile. How have you been..? :3

For those of you who don't know/remember, I'm the lead developer of a Desktop and (to-be) Hacking Simulator Game. My project should still exist somewhere on here. I just thought I would hop on, and catch you guys up on my progress. ^~^

So far themes are a thing! You can add custom fonts, wallpapers(or just a desktop color) and set the color/opasity of everything in-game!

I have also implimented a modding API. It's under-documented, but it works very well! You can add apps, commands, or even redesign the entire interface using it. It executes modded functions on specific events, so you could really have it do anything.

As of yesterday, there is also a simulated FileSystem. You can navigate it using in-game terminal commands, and you can create and remove directories.

(in-game screenshots are also a thing, you can even set a timer - ps: this is a 100% mod! As are all apps and commands in the current unreleased version. PM me on Telegram @TheCyaniteproject to get a copy~)

I decided to build a garden and not type for at least 12 hours, I needed a break.

I got a lot of flowers, they attract bees. The bees are out doing what they do best, I'm a supporter of bees. While cleaning off one flower, I freaked a few bees out, and my hands got stung.

12 hours just turned into 72 hours, and my colleagues are making buzzzz noises. I still love bees.

Me: The script is 85% ready.
Manager: Lets make it do something else, then.

How millionaires deal with laptops.

1. Buy a gaming laptop.
2. Install any OS.
3. Open IE11.
4. Place cursor in the new search bar in top right.
5. Type 4k wallpapers.
6. Download anything.
7. Open in MS Photos.
8. Right click, Set as > Wallpaper BG
9. Leave it in the corner.
10. Sell it at double 2 days later.

During a random meeting for a project:

PM: We'll need you to learn Go for this project. It says you know python in your job skills, so it should be easy.
Me: Uh, hiiii. I'm in security, not development. Can't help you, I really shouldn't even be here.
PM: I think Go has security built-in, does that help?
Me: ... I don't know, you need a developer.
PM: Do you know any Go people?
Me: I think that's something you should know.
- Silence enters the room -
PM: Yes perhaps, but you don't know anyone?

Fucking wat?

I've always wanted to build an underground bunker for storms, to hide from my unstable ex girlfriend, and lulz, so I am. The hardest part isn't the digging or the structure, it's finding a way to ensure I'll still have internet.

I was doing a physical security engagement on a clients home. The door had a new smart lock, I called his landline to inform him it was us at the front door. I got the answering machine, and figured it'd be funny to say "Alexa, unlock the front door." To our surprise, the front door unlocked.

I discovered a worker was storing files on a IoT refrigerator. He had an external hard drive duct taped to the back of it.

Kid: How do you know what to use in a script?
Me: I've either used it before or look at documentation.
Kid: You're silly, I bet I know who knows everything and can tell you what the answers are!
Me: Oh? Who's that, the code creator?
Kid: Mistah Google behind my browser! Just ask him and he tells you everything he knows!

The little shit will be going places...

Ever have this day:

Brain: I'm done for the day.
Me: Why can't I get this logic right?
Brain: I said I'm DONE

*Commence head nod snooze while your boss walks by*

Don't use code comments to list the root-admin credentials for all your servers!!!!!!

I want to code, but I'm stuck here, tearing wallpapers off walls on my new apartment so I can paint the walls before moving all my stuff here

After I showed my private desk last already, here still my place at work. Meanwhile I don't even know how to program productively with less than three monitors under Windows.
But now you know one of our wonderful corporate wallpapers. And yes, my desktop is always so empty, that's no fake.

Since I moved from pure dev to Code Forensics, and studying with Forensic Computing students (who do one module on security), the amount of Kali Linux wallpapers on a Windows machine is overwhelming.

It's like the entire class watched three episodes of Mr Robot and now thinks they can change the world with a goddamn semester of teaching!

Business ppl asks for program to be created.
Business ppl send out 5 one hour meeting invites for the week.
Boss puts me in 5 day training for 7 hours a day.
Business ppl tired of me saying I've had no time to develop their stuff.
Boss asks why I haven't made progress on business ppl program.
Trainer upset I'm doing business ppl program instead of the training.

We can't win.

When a client complains they can't use "O" instead of "0" in the phone number field.

Boss: We need to hire more people, lower your technical requirements.
Me: Why not just hire interns. They're cheaper, we can mold them into the role faster, and most interns get hired after school and stay for years.
Boss: ... we can do that?

The boss knows I started off as an intern at the company. 🙄

What is your story of your first encounter with a Linux Distro?

Here's mine (Slight long version) –
Back in my 8th grade I used to buy Tech magazines that used to have DVDs filled with random updated contents like Audio/Video tools, Wallpapers and other stuff. There used to be this "Linux Distro of the Month" section that I used to ignore because I didn't know what it is.
But one issue of the magazine had a review of this "amazing new" Ubuntu 10.10. I read it and at first I thought it's some kind of theme for Windows (I know). But then I tried it out on my HP Compaq nx6120 which had a pure BIOS. No UEFI shit. Ubuntu came with it's wubi installer and it installed Ubuntu smoothly like a normal software. Later I discovered that it is a completely different operating system that doesn't run anything from my Windows. I was upset about it and I booted back to Windows.
But I never removed it. I felt like exploring what it was and why people use it.
It's almost 9 years later and I'm so glad with what had happened back then.

Just drop random but a good wallpaper. Just for collection

Idiot group: "We have no servers like that."
My group: Turns off mystery server no one can identify.
Idiot group: "HEY THAT WAS OUR SERVER YOU FUCKS HOW DARE YOU."

Confession: I have an original Zune mp3 player, and use it. It has outlasted 2 smart phones I used as music players.

Don't watch video tutorials while lifting weights. I was reading what was being typed, and forgot I was holding 150 pounds over my head.

Websites with annoying ads that hold your phones browser hostage to install a fake AV or vote in a stupid poll.

Ever take one week of vacation, then spend another week going through your code trying to figure out what you were doing?

Best: Recalling code I wrote in 2017.
Worst: Being asked if I remember code I wrote in 2016.

Let's make this interesting.

My phone crashed recently, and restored my wallpaper to default. This is inconvenient because that image is no longer on my phone, and I don't have any wallpapers currently in my gallery.

Therefore, the most upvoted image in the comments will become my wallpaper.

(Call from a distant family member I know by name only)
Him: Hey, blah it's been awhile blah hey so I have this problem with my printer and...
Him: What do you mean you don't know about printers, can I bring it to your hou...<*click*>

Felt like a badass when I figured out a way to get my massive wallpaper collection onto my company provided laptop which was completely and I mean COMPLETELY locked down.

I couldn't bear the thought of using the default Windows wallpapers 😂

> Old job does away with working from home
> Half the department of ~100 quits within 3 weeks

It's almost as if IT people want to work from home 🤔🤔🤔

I spammed a colleagues email to test my exception handling method, I didn't feel like using just my email.

My email to him: "muh bad"

Submit a request via URL /submit&approved=0: Committee rejects request.

Submit same request via URL /submit&approved=1: Committee asks who approved the request.

My loop checked a variable, then the next 5 nested loops checked it again, then started over. It was a hard coded variable I forgot about.

I just made my code OCD

Idk if I'm happier about the usability of the app or the image notifications with the not-yet-crashed background activity or the super cute anime wallpapers but the thing works and looks pretty xD what else could you want from a minor side project :')

When a client tells you to hard code the root creds to their server.

Explaining why I need something installed on my work laptop in a request ticket: BECAUSE IT LOOKS COOL

This is my first time experiencing agile development with its daily scrum meets, and I hate it already.

Stopping a heavily used script in production, because management wanted a print statement to include a period at the end.

Person: I need documentation for your program.
Me: Program isn't done yet.
Person: We want it anyways.
Me: Everything I document in dev will be drastically different once it's completed.
Person: Yes, we want documentation of what doesn't work so we can refer to it later for help.

> Get told my teams​ products don't work
> I say file a ticket so we know and can assist
> No tickets filed after 4 weeks,
> Team still complains my teams products don't work

Who else has mindless complainers?

Lemme see your phone wallpapers (if they're not like pictures of yourself or whatever lol)

Looking for a few one

So it seems that lately I got addicted to minimalistic wallpapers, they just look soo nice on both desktop and mobile devices.

Anyone recommends any good zip file with a bunch of those?

*some websites will do the job too

*Cheers*

I've had a Xiaomi Mi 8 for a few months now. Although I'm impressed by what I got for the amount I paid (a phone that cost about $250 for 6GB RAM, Snapdragon 845, Android 9 and premium build quality is quite a steal), it definitely comes with a consequence.

MIUI (specifically MIUI 11) is godawful. It is single-handedly the worst Android ROM I've ever used since my shitty Android 2.2 phone back around 2010. If you're gonna buy a Xiaomi phone, plan to install Lineage OS on it (but even that's a pain which I'll explain why later).

- Navigation buttons don't hide while watching a video.

Why? God only knows. The ONLY way to bypass without root this is to use its garbage fullscreen mode with gestures, which is annoying as all hell.

- 2 app info pages?

Yeah, the first one you can access just by going to its disaster of a settings app, apps, manage apps and tap on any one.

The 2nd one you can access through the app info button in any 3rd party launcher. Try this: Download Nova launcher, go to the app drawer, hold on any app and tap "app info", and you'll see the 2nd one.

Basically, instead of modifying Android's FOSS source code, they made a shitty overlay. These people are really ahead of their time.

- Can only set lock screen wallpapers using the stock Gallery app

It's not that big an issue, until it is, when whatever wallpaper app you're using only allows you to set the wallpaper and not download them. I think this is both a fuckup on Xiaomi and (insert wallpaper app name here), but why Xiaomi can't include this basic essential feature that every other Android ROM ever made has is beyond me.

- Theming on MIUI 11 is broken

Why do they even bother having a section to customize the boot animation and status bar when there's not one goddamn theme that supports it? At this point you're only changing the wallpaper and icon pack which you can do on any Android phone ever. Why even bother?

They really, REALLY want to be Apple.

Just look at their phones. They're well designed and got good specs, but they don't even care anymore about being original. The notch and lack of a headphone jack aren't features, they're tremendous fuckups by the dead rotting horse known as Apple that died when Steve Jobs did.

Xiaomi tries to build a walled garden around an inherently customizable OS, and the end result is a warzone of an Android ROM that begs for mercy from its creator. Launchers integrate horribly (Does any power user actually use anything that isn't Nova or Microsoft launcher?), 3rd party themes and customization apps need workarounds, some apps don't work at all. People buy from Xiaomi to get a high end budget Android phone at the price of some ads and data collection, not a shitter iOS wannabe.

They really, REALLY want you to have a sim card

If you don't have a sim card and you're using your phone for dev stuff, you're a 2nd class citizen to Xiaomi. Without one, you can't:

- Install adb through adb
- Write to secure settings
- Unlock your bootloader and get away from this trash Android ROM

What's the point? Are they gonna shadow ban you? Does anyone contact them to unlock their bootloader saying "yeah I wanna use a custom rom to pirate lizard porn and buy drugs"? They made this 1000000000x harder than it needs to be for no reason whatsoever. Oh yeah and you gotta wait like a week or something for them to unlock it. How they fucked up this bad is beyond me.

So yeah. Xiaomi. Great phones, atrocious OS.

Who has taken a tech-free vacation? I understand there are vacation area's that disconnect you from anything containing a circuit.

Swapped the F10 and F11 keys on sister's keyboard. She can't figure out why F11 won't go Fullscreen

"So what we're going to do is sign you up for this basic training we think you need despite your years of proven experience and certifications and a four year degree directly related to the type of training don't count"

This team wants to reinvent the wheel, when we already have the wheel. When asked why they want to waste their time, they replied saying because they just want to.

I have to help these idiots.

Neat-looking desktop wallpapers have never made sense to me. If I'm not covering every square millimeter with something, I feel like I wasted money on my monitor.

Not a good year for Intel, is it? First the two Spectre variants and Meltdown, now the AMT vulnerability.

/Hugs his AMD systems while unplugging the Intel ones.

Let's have a meeting to find out why something isn't working, when we're already trying to figure out why it isn't working.

Week 3:

Lead developer has not noticed his Favio Lanzoni and My Little Pony wallpapers.

Git gus scrub

The Pixel 3 Google Earth wallpapers are just soo nice

New mouse pad came in.

Why do you use such fancy desktop wallpapers? Do you even have time to look at them?

Being told to continuously restart a server over the weekend while someone's API script kept crashing the server. Yes, they knew it was doing it. No, they "claimed" they didn't know how to slow down the amount of new API sessions. I avoided all their requests after that.

That feeling when projects start moving forward after mindlessly arguing about them the past 30 days.

My boss makes me do the work for a different team that keeps claiming they're learning programming but keep taking basic ass tutorials all fucking day.

I dare you to beat my wallpaper 🤪

* ml wallpaper site with api (pandora for wallpapers)
* mmorpg like .hack/sao
* vr ai office (vr gear turn head to see screens and understands voice commands)
* gpg version of krypto.io

ThisAsAVariable
This_as_a_variable
thisasavariable

Preference?

Ok let's get our hate and love out for the 3 main OS types, tell us why you hate or love each of them.

Windows: I hate its lack of customisation, colours and wallpapers only go so far, and how fucking bloated it is and how little you can do about it.

Linux: it's open, free, and pretty much a sandbox for changes and is lightweight, plus if you don't like something about it, remove it, whats not to love!

MacOS: I love it because it just works and could also run on a potato (yeah I said it, fight me) and it's just a very good looking is with fluid animations and simplicity.

Now, don't be hating on people's opinions here so keep it civil :-P

People going crazy over the new Intel CPU exploit. I'm just sipping coffee looking at my AMD CPU that's never done me wrong 🙌

Person: Huge long will it take to develop?
Me: About 6 months, with a team
Person: That long? Can't you just copy <proprietary software>'s code instead?

When your routine security testing causes your work laptop to be seized and held for evidence indefinitely because security operations think it's a rogue laptop.

A meeting to discuss synergy and other business fluff lingo.

What website do you download your wallpapers from?

I always enjoy reading the descriptions on the Windows 10 lockscreen wallpapers

Friday: Run your security test on production after hours.
Saturday: Wait, do development instead.
Today: Ya know, development is a critical environment too. Just don't test anything at all.

🙄

Newb Dev: I've gotten to the point where I can explain the code and non-Dev co-workers give me blank stares. I sit down and realize there's probably a better way to do it, and then go tell the same co-workers and get more blank stares.

Dear DevRant: Idea's for a smart bathroom?

Getting burn out right now. Filling in for departments with overpaid inadequate talent and poor management, it's driving me up the wall.

Need dope wallpapers for my Antergos setup. Send links :)

After finding SQLi on an internal application during its security review:

DB team: Well it's a remote database, so you're just seeing HTML...wait why do you see user accounts in that web field?

Me 3 weeks ago: I need the changes to make so I can add them to the code.

Hours before the change is scheduled, I receive a list of 100 changes to make.

Spend 3 hours on a processing logic. Had it right the first time, thought the data was wrong.

You ever want to keep figuring out a nested loop solution so it executes beautifully, but a deadline forces you to use a cheap solution outside the loop (module import) instead?

"Can you break a vendors source code to change a user account name?"

I want to stop drinking coffee but everywhere i look there is always wallpapers and cups and shirts telling me that this is our fuel reminding me about it and i always wonder if it will be possible for me to stop drinking it. I want to stop drinking it because i just can't control myself and i drink it all day while i'm at work and at the time i arrive home my stomach hurts. Every night i think "tomorrow i wont be drinking a single cup" and then here i am ranting about it.

Favorite chair for long days on the stack? I saw the Emperor, hella expensive but I'd just need a mini fridge and catheter. My chair is worn and smells like fart, time to replace it.

Any nice source of developer wallpapers or do you guys got some? :)
Selfmade == appreciate

Do you know any good source of phone wallpapers?

Ricing newly installed Mate Desktop
In need of wallpapers (Anime/Illustration)
In need of a motivational quote too (can be sarcastic)

People who are going to roast me in the comments I know its cringe worthy and googleable. Cloning multiple repos and downloading a lot of data so please help me out