I went to Paris for my first interview (that was 1989) for a job of Unix kernel developer. All dressed up. I step out of the elevator and see a young punk with scruffy hair and different colour shoes. I reckon he must be the pizza delivery guy. I ask him "dude, can you please point me to the CEO's office for interview". He said "sure, follow me man, I'll show you". We arrive at a desk, he sat down in the big chair and looks at me with a big smile and says "Ok dude, here we are. I am the CEO. Now let's see how good you are!"
I got the job. And 26 years latet, last week, amazing coincidence: I met him again at a trade show in Paris ... with the same coloured shoes. How cool is that!!!

I know that feeling. Poor you :(

Where is the LAN cable and why the hell does my chair not...

Oh.

When I try to motivate/advice someone and they still go on sad

Today at work, still laugh thinking back to it!

We were on lunch break but the linux support engineers who are on the phones as well have to pick up calls anyways (very small team).

*engineer walks to the table, sits down: Ahhh rest, finally!*
*tringggggggggg*
*engineer pulls a face like 'oh for fucks sake' and walks back to his desk*
*puts headphones on and clicks the answer button just as it disappears*
"really!?! Alright lets finally eat now"
*sits for literally one second*
*tringgggggggggg*
*Engineer seems quite pissed off now. walks to his desk again, puts on headset, clicks the answer button JUST as the call stops again*
"Mother of god, fucking really?"
*stays as his desk for a minute or so, walks back, stays hovering above his chair for a little and finally sits down again*
"Finall......"
*TRINGGGGGGGGGGGG*
"MOTHERFUCKER. THESE GUYS TIME IT OR SOMETHING!?!?"
*walks back to his desk very frustrated this time*
*puts on headphones very quickly and presses the answer button*
*answer works but the call is literally dropped the second he starts it (it was a real client)*

"OH FOR FUCKS FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING SAKE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK"

*walks back to table again and sits down. Takes sandwich and....*

*TRINGGGGGGGGGG MOTHERFUCKER*

"FUCKING COCKSUKING MOTHERFUCKING PIECES OF WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK EVER"

*gives a deadly look to another engineer: "I am NOT going to take it this time! En-fucking-joy."*

We laughed so hard xD

I have a couple of stories that I think are memorable from co-workers quitting in funny/interesting ways.

1. At one of the first companies I worked at, they gathered everyone to make an announcement that began with, “this is just a reminder, any heavy objects/packages need to be removed through the freight elevators, and cannot be taken through the main lobby.” We’re all thinking OK... why are you telling us this. Next part of the announcement was, “so and so (co-worker) is no longer with the company.” Apparently, which we found out later, the guy either quit/and/or got fired and wheeled his desk chair out the front door through the lobby (keep in mind this is an office on one of the busiest avenues in Manhattan). The whole thing was crazy. That’s the last we ever heard about him.

2. This one was strange. A really quiet dev at one of my previous companies was clearly constantly bored at work (he barely had any responsibility and was pretty much ignored) but the job was pretty cushy. One day, he was out from work, and no one thought much of it. Then he was out another day, then another, and before we knew it, it was like a week. No one knew where he was. Eventually, he sent an email saying he got stuck out of he country or something and he wouldn’t be coming back. Ok... weird, but kind of made sense.

But, one of our ops guys was able to see the ip/location of where he logged on to send the email, and it was right from NYC! So pretty much this guy was just fed up, left one day (with no notice), and just never came back. And then lied that he was out of the country when trying to explain is hasty departure.

New office chair for the dev on holiday, no expense spared.

No, Arduino.

I'm not moving at 50km/h. Not even close. I'm sitting in my chair.

Just because I plugged a wire in backwards doesn't mean you are right.

!rant

I've always wanted to son to enjoy the the same feeling I get when I'm developing. Today my son pulled up a chair next to me and started asking questions about my code, it's safe to say I got those proud dad feels.

Feels good man, feels real good.

Enough of this!!! I need a break.
*Gets up partially from chair*
*Looks back at the code, gets an idea*
*Sits down again for couple of hours*

Today is my Birthday and I got this gift from my friend.

It's all written on the chair...

Me: Sitting in beanbag chair in development office, using closed macbook as a plate for a large walnut-brie-honey-rucola sandwich, honey dripping all over the aluminium top.

New manager (well, he's pretty old, but newly hired): "I don't think you're allowed to eat near the computers"

Me: "And I don't think you're allowed in my dev cave".

*Put macbook to the side*
*push him out of the office*
*close sliding door*
*close blinds*
*sit in beanbag chair*
*eat sandwich*
*lick honey from macbook*

I'm sorry, coworkers. Two weeks of writing MySQL queries made me a bit feral.

My first day in a Linux admin and security course. I went all confident and cocky waiting for some bullshit like "type in your term: ls, cd, pwd, see you tomorrow"
Suddenly the teacher starts to configure lampp, then jumps to bind, and thirty minutes leater , when everyone has their ssl keys under control, I was still struggling to correctly forward my mate. The rest of the day was smooth and easy for those who finished their servers, and there I was, unable to find my own ass in the middle of that mess made of bad assigned permissions and wrong placed addresses. Even worse, he came to me when I asked for help, took my chair and fixed everything in one beautiful single bash line. I started to ask "what's this? Where is that? Is it a config file or a directory?" And with all his patience he keep telling me the obvious answers that where right there at the screen but I couldn't see. Took me two weeks to catch his pace, and another two weeks to understand fully his classes. He never said a word about my terrible first day (first couple weeks). When course finished, I saw he was going to teach a really hard security module, and I signed up without hesitate.

Lol
[the image is not mine]

The struggle is real

Fuck this shit.

C# exams this week (on Mac..) and it says in the rules "to improve the comfort of the students it is allowed to bring your own equipment and set up your own environment" well that's great.

What a fucking shame these idiots see "your own equipment and environment" as peripherals ONLY. Bringing your own laptop is not allowed. Installing software you want to use is not allowed.

But hey, I'm allowed to bring my own chair.

Girl: you don't...see sharp
Me: I'm... Not a Java developer
Girl: I never said you were
Me: but why make that joke?
Girl: what joke? You hit your head on a beam tripped over a chair and missed your drink. You clearly need glasses
Me: *gets glasses* oh your not a girl 😳

Best prank on me: Airborne under my chair rigged to go off when I sit.

Best prank I pulled: Recorded my laugh and assigned it as everyone's office ringtone. I still have co-workers check their phone when I laugh.

nice chair

She: why my pc shut down when I print?

me: because you pull the power wire when you turn your chair yo get the printed page

Yesterday on #vim irc
User1: Hey this is my code <linkto python code>, why isn't this working?
User2: It's Vim channel, you will have more luck on #python.
User1: But I'm coding on Vim so it's Vim related
Me: Then go to #ikea because of that chair you are sitting on while typing.

*deep breath*

Remain calm, don’t freak out, remain calm, don’t freak out.

*deep breath*

Ok, so my sort of new manager (had a slightly different manger-ish role on the team), has for the third time in as many months, just sent an email criticizing the dev team for our working from home-ness (which for the record has not been that bad, 2/3 or 3/3 have been in everyday for the past month)

In this same period, there has been late nights, weekends, successful releases, I’ve been invited to talk at a conference about my work (not a particularly big one, but still). Point is, everything is going well, very well in fact.

There has been no emails discussing our great work, thanking us for extra work, thanking us for picking up slack from other teams who are down a few people etc. no our major concern it seems is the “optics” of our team not being present in the open space.

Our contracts list flexible working hours, and his boss has frequently told us WFH is fine when things are too busy. But no he is complaining for us to get our hours in the office in line and make sure we are in the office more.

It’s been a particularly long and frustrating week, and I’m very tempted to inform him that if he is concerned about my chair and desk looking empty, that I can put them somewhere for him where they will always be occupied until a surgeon can remove them.

However, thanks to the deep breaths, I’ve managed to restrain myself long enough to run this past you all first and ask advice.

Please help,
Sincerely,
My sanity

The moment I dared ask a colleague about unit testing, and instead of giving me a book or a look, he stashed his work, pulled over a second chair and we coded some, for an hour.

This happened when I was on third semester of the career at university. I had my first boyfriend, the "Python" guy. He has that nickname because he used Python as his main programming language and nobody on the classroom used it.

In a few words, he was a... horrible human being. He talked down to me almost all the time, saying to me that my country was sh*t (he is from United States, and for a reason he never wanted to told me, he cannot go back to his country), that my university was sh*t and he said "you're will be lucky if you rot programming in a chair".

As you might wondering, yes, unfortunately it was a toxic relationship. Once he said he wanted to kill the teacher because he though that he hacked his laptop D:

He claimed that he was going to teach me python and security stuff, bla bla bla, but nothing. I learned python by my own.

I almost lost my faith in dev future because I though that the only ones that could have a real future in programming where people without ethics and only if they have a friend or a relative on a company.

The saddest part was that I dated him because I love smart boys, but he was just an idiot that, furthermore, wanted to change me (he pressured me to have tattoos, dye my hair and have sex, things that, of course, I didn't do).

I found courage to break up with him. I waited until the semester ends (in order not to lose my programming final projects) and, the day after the last day of class, I broke up with him.

I recovered my faith on programming when, next semester, one of the teachers invited me to give a python programming workshop :D and I gave two python workshops, and two of mobile development.

Now I'm working as a junior .NET developer. Thank God I broke up with him before the relationship became even worse. "Python" wanted to marry me after a year! O_O

Story time.

Not sure it counts as data loss, more temporary corruption (and in my own brain).

> be me.
> be clinically depressed
> be recently out of an awful breakup
> recently nearly committed suicide by train
> be bored and lonely one night
> take lsd
> feel fine
> go to McDonald’s
> feel fine
> while eating question the nature of reality
> become convinced I’m an observer of a cosmic story and cannot die
> go outside in only jeans
> run in traffic at 1AM to prove my point
> don’t die
> run around the streets more sure of my new reality than I’d ever been of anything
> feel free and no longer sad
> walk around observing the world
> sit on wall and wonder why the story had the structure I was observing
> fall off wall into grass and mud
> follow cute guy into apartment building
> follow into lift
> ask what everything means
> spend better part of couple hours in lift pressing emergency button asking for help
> get no response
> scare poor Russian lady that gets into lift and finds an overweight topless man on the floor babbling incoherently
> ride to top floor
> get out
> sit on leather chair in corridor
> feelsnice.tiff
> decide I’m actualising my desires and reality
> don’t realise this is just the trip wearing off and consciousness exerting more control
> walk into random apartment (door is unlocked because why wouldn’t it be for the god that I believe I am at this point)
> explore
> gorgeous apartment
> realise it’s a family apartment from clothes in hallway and items
> find bathroom
> decide I want a bubble bath
> run bubble bath
> can’t work out how to drain water. Bath now full of twigs and mud #sorry
> decide that I’d like to go home, or onto my next adventure. Hopefully the seaside as I’m now realising I have more control.
> open bathroom door
> not the seaside. Ah well. Try to walk home
> walk home wrapped in fluffy towel from nice family’s apartment
> get home
> realise what had happened
> throw remaining drugs away
> sit and rock in utter paranoia and guilt for hours until flatmate wakes up.

MFW first bad trip ever.
MFW I wonder whether that family knew I was there and were scared / discovered the mess in the bathroom the next morning and not knowing which is worse.

MFW I still have the towel because it’s fluffy AF.

The moral of the story kids, is that when it comes to the OS rattling around in your brain, installing a virus that is sensitive to what apps you have running is a bad idea when those apps make the virus go to fucking town.

Terrible analogy I know, but fuck it.

Sometimes the chair might also be a toilet seat.

Source: TechWorm

Learning soft skills.

I'm about as direct with coworkers and managers as I am on devRant. And I still think being painfully direct is often better than playing the heavily politicized office game of thrones.

But sometimes it's better to say:

"CTO, I think we need your skills to build bridges to other departments and manage recruitment. You're the only one who understands both technology and people, so drop your developer role and become our ambassador"

Instead of:

"Dear CTO, your code makes my eyes bleed. Your CS degree was a fucking waste of tax money, and it's quite clear that cheap college beer washed out all of your reasoning skills. We should fill the space you're taking up with a beanbag chair, because you're providing negative value to the company. How many investor cocks did you have to deep throat to get where you are?"

Now, I just pick option one, smile politely, and tell him we need to increase department budget as indemnification for having to work with a retard like him. Uh I mean... "to get developer salaries up to a competitive level so we can retain knowledge"

Debian based chair

Someone is changing my chair in the office every time I go for break.

I'm moving to a new place soon meaning that I'll have to get a new desk/chair. (current ones suck)

I need a good one of both but I'm not rich so was looking for more cheap options.

The guy next to me is moving out soon as well appearantly and he came to me and another roommate like "hey I'm going to buy everything new, fresh start! If you guys would like to have anything, let me know!"

Me: also a desk/chair by any chance?
Guy: yup, take a look :)
*takes a look*
Me: the damn they look very good! Are you sure you want to get rid of them? I'd think they cost quite some money.
Guy: yeah, you can also have the couch table/clothing closet if you'd like! (all designer/quality stuffs)

😍

Acceptable places to leave your bag when you get in, in the morning:

- Under your desk
- On your desk
- Infront of your locker
- On the back of your chair
- etc.

Unacceptable, is to throw your bag behind you and to the right, so it ends up in the middle of the floor and behind my chair.

Consistent use of this space, and me tripping over it will result in 2 things:

1. I will intentionally run over your bag, back and forth until I am satisfied everything is broken.

2. I will then pickup said bag and throw it, with force, at your head.

Got invited to a "roundtable", where we will discuss email security and the future and direction of where it is going.
Only 10 people in Sweden got a chair

I feel exclusive but also scared that they will find out what a noob I am lol

Me: *Working on my game*
Partner: What are you working on?
Me: Just starting out some basic AI
Partner: Why are you writing 'if' and 'switch' so much? Is that what AI can be?
Me: Look away! Don't break the illusion!

I then sat back in my chair and realised AI isn't really that intelligent...

Made sure I was alone and farted, two second later my boss walks over to my chair and sits down to show me a problem with the website...

I felt so uncomfortable

I... uhm... I... I can't... I ... I can't even.... THIS IS LIVE IN THE CLIENT'S SITE WHERE ANYONE CAN CREATE A LOGIN WITH NO VERIFICATION WHATSOEVER AND SEE THIS WHICH IS LINKED TO A BIG RED BUTTON THAT RESETS THE WHOLE DATABASE, YOU FUCKING DUMB PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

// This event clears the entire solution in all active clients, truncates the database and also removes any stored PDFs in the server folder
$(document).on('click', '#resetDB', function () {
// This event only happens if the user correctly enters the password, this is to prevent other users than the admin from performing this action
var answer = prompt("Please enter the password required to perform this action.");
if(answer == "-REDACTEDBECAUSEHOLYSHIT-") {
socket.emit('resetDB');
} else {
alert("The password is incorrect, please try again!");
}
});

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!111!!1!!11!1!!1!1one!one!!!11

(I'm not inventing this, even though the "site" is internal only and not accessible through the web. That does *not* make it any less stupid!)

Just went to the new cafe next to me (all over the top fancy as usual around here), thought after a long time I could and should enjoy a nice drink, snack and a great view while coding.

Got two babies screaming out their internals right when I've paid and sat down, then an old guy started asking me to leave multiple times, threatening to call the police and trying to drag me off my chair, because I "shouldn't be breaking other peoples computers" - most likely because I was pulling+compiling evince via yay and he caught a glimpse of it when I checked if it finished or not.

One of the employees saw that happening and kicked the old guy out, then gave me a fresh donut as a "sorry", was for sure the best donut I've ate, not because of the taste, but because I saw the old guy then hovering across the street and occasionally giving me a look, as if he's waiting for the FBI to finally show up and he could tell where I escaped to.

tbh when the employee was approaching, I've seen this turn into a completely different rant, positively surprised there's still some sane people out there.

Engineer: We need pinch/zoom support for big images. We've been using OpenSeadragon but we didn't like how big it was.

Me: It's 49KB minified. Pretty hefty.

Engineer: Right, so what we can do is fork the repo and delete the parts we don't use.

Me: Fuck you

Engineer: Ok

Me: Our site blasts you with 6.3MB of assets over 233 requests in 5 seconds. Look, if I blacklist this 51KB one right here... man, can you just feel your ass floating out of your chair now that this weight has been lifted? Isn't this worth maintaining a fork that's been stripped to a shell of it's former self?!

Engineer: Just let us know if you need any more context

Me: I CAN FEEL THE SERVERS BEAMING INTO MY NEURONS

So this happened to me today.

After spending the whole night coding / watching Netflix I was sitting in my chair and looking at my screen with VSCode (dark theme of course) open. It was pretty dark in my room because the only source of light was my computer screen, which was still pretty dark because of the dark theme.

So, while looking at my code I suddenly noticed that the room had gotten a bit brighter. I wondered wtf was going on.
I looked out the window and saw that the sun was rising. Then I looked at the clock:
5:30 am.

Me: 'oh, lol'

My boss is technically my coworker.
I screamed my lungs out after it became clear that he didn't give a shit about employees that bring him money. After snatching all funds from a finished project on time, failing to deliver on the promise about bonuses (it's what I used to motivate employees to deliver the project on time), refusing to buy a new chair to replace the one held together by scotch tape and careful balancing, I decided to quit with maximum damage.

I screamed so that everybody would hear it. That encouraged another guy to get in with quitting, and within 1 month most of the team had quit, leaving the boss with a risk of lawsuits for prepaid contacts not delivered.

Knowing that piece of shit, he probably recovered and is treating other people badly, but at least every single person from the team experienced the biggest jump in careers straight after that.

It's me, in my hacktoberfest t-shirt, sitting on my gaming chair with gaming keyboard and mouse, working 12 hours per day for 7 days, coding and pushing bits to server so a client can be happy.

It was a boring day and I was about to ssh into my server and this guy comes up to me, stares at my screen and when I turned back
He asks me "Have you tried deep in ur ass?"

*People around started looking at us*

I was like wtf! Got out from my chair and looked in his face "wtf did you just ask me?"

"Deepin, Deeepin OS! "

"Say that again u dumb fukkk and I will fucking slam ur face into the wall!"

Fucking confuses every time!!

I just spent an hour debugging my company's web app. More specifically, I was trying to fix a bug that made a label on a comment I just made say "Posted 3 days ago".

After confirming timestamps on the server are correct with a calculator, fiddling around with the js debugger, and ruling out weird timezone-related shenanigans, I came to a conclusion.

The bug was in fact sitting, quite comfortably, between the chair and the keyboard.

Yesterday I had moved the date on my computer roughly 3 days into the future, because I was testing out some unrelated code that was dealing with Redis, and I wanted to expire all of the keys stored inside of it.

Don't blame me, my parents told me I had fallen onto my head as a child.

New PC, chair and desk...Finally everything is ok with my PC, so here is the final result...

"Oh, I reverted your changes because I did not understand them"
I SPENT THE WHOLE DAY REFACTORING YOUR SHITTY SPAGUETTI SHIT U LAZY PIECE OF SHIT !
But I guess being a senior guy entitles u to sit your fat fuck ass in your chair writting garbage all day long.
Btw what he did not understand was f strings. In python. Srsly. How is that arrogant incompetent prick paid at least 10k more than me

Had an unannounced performance/progress review at work today.

I always get nervous when having those but I know my boss and lead support engineer by now so i got to relaxed mode quite fast.

Then i was getting very cold and started to shake (in combo with the slight nervousness).

That lead to extensive stuttering 😬

Apparently I put my chair right under a fucking ceiling fan thingy in my nervousness.

😅

TLDR: Fuck you, Client A

1. Want to change the business flow during UAT and decide the deadline to be less than 4 weeks, even though that's how the business flow stated on the docs
2. He threatening us not to pay if it isn't done, even though he's not the one paying us
3. He said time isn't a problem because he can provide a table and chair that is put in front of his table

Fuck you, Client A

!dev I'd just helped a client cut over to a new fiber connection and then left for Vegas, about 2 days into the trip my wife and I decided to hit a breakfast spot that had bottomless mimosa's, which was of course a claim we had to test.

As we are walking(stumbling) out of the restaurant I get a call that the connection has crashed and the entire car dealership is unable to sell cars, which they tell me is important functionality.

So I make it up to my room and break out the laptop, luckily the mgmt interfaces are still available externally so I'm able to log in and then have the fun challenge of 1) not falling off of my chair 2) not accidentally making a change that kills what connection I have in and 3) fixing their actual issue.

Took me almost an hour to find a simple OSPF issue but at least got them working and happy. However by that time I was beginning to sober up, which is the absolute worst thing that can happen while day-drinking and ended up basically causing me to be be hung-over for the rest of the night, including my wifes friends wedding, which she wasn't thrilled about...

The moral of this story is to make sure to NOT stop drinking while dealing with unexpected production impacting events.

This is from my days of running a rather large (for its time) Minecraft server. A few of our best admins were given access to the server console. For extra security, we also had a second login stage in-game using a command (in case their accounts were compromised). We even had a fairly strict password strength policy.
But all of that was defeated by a slightly too stiff SHIFT key. See, in-game commands were typed in chat, prefixed with a slash -- SHIFT+7 on German-ish keyboards. And so, when logging in, one of our head admins didn't realize his SHIFT key didn't register and proudly broadcast to the server "[Admin] username: 7login hisPasswordHere".
This was immediately noticed by the owner of a 'rival' server who was trying to copy some cool thing that we had. He jumped onto the console that he found in an nmap scan a week prior (a scan that I detected and he denied), promoted himself to admin and proceeded to wreak havoc.
I got a call, 10-ish minutes later, that "everything was literally on fire". I immediately rolled everything back (half-hourly backups ftw) and killed the console just in case.
The best part was the Skype call with that admin that followed. I wasn't too angry, but I did want him to suffer a little, so I didn't immediately tell him that we had good backups. He thought he'd brought the downfall of our server. I'm pretty sure he cried.

Why are devs so fixated on other devs' IDE, OS, programming style and chair choices??

Imagine if every sports player would comment on the way the other walks, bats, the colour of their shoes!

Devs are a bit picky don't you think?

I take 1 day off from work, i come back finding my chair replaced by a junky one... I mean really??? f*ck this!

I just wanna smash their head with a metal chair then shove their own keyboard up their fucking ass... Sideways while they choke on a rusty knife...

Lazy cunts

/dev/wife just bought me a motorized sit/stand desk AND an ergo chair. Happy dance, happy dance!

Tester - The app has a bug when I try to buy a ticket
Me - okay, what's the bug ?
Tester - it shows an error
Me (trying to not high-five him with a chair in the face) - What's the error message?
Tester - ah nvm it works now!!

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuu. Explain the issue you dimwit, don't just say it doesn't fucking work!

Found this on discord.
Could be copypasta but I decided to share it anyway.

"I use Linux as my operating system," I state proudly to the unkempt, bearded man. He swivels around in his desk chair with a devilish gleam in his eyes, ready to mansplain with extreme precision. "Actually", he says with a grin, "Linux is just the kernel. You use GNU+Linux!' I don't miss a beat and reply with a smirk, "I use Alpine, a distro that doesn't include the GNU coreutils, or any other GNU code. It's Linux, but it's not GNU+Linux."

The smile quickly drops from the man's face. His body begins convulsing and he foams at the mouth and drops to the floor with a sickly thud. As he writhes around he screams "I-IT WAS COMPILED WITH GCC! THAT MEANS IT'S STILL GNU!" Coolly, I reply "If windows was compiled with gcc, would that make it GNU?" I interrupt his response with "-and work is being made on the kernel to make it more compiler-agnostic. Even you were correct, you wont be for long."

With a sickly wheeze, the last of the man's life is ejected from his body. He lies on the floor, cold and limp. I've womansplained him to death.

my mum can't comprehend the idea of earning money from sitting in a chair doing stuff 😭 so when i tell her i work with computers, she always imagines me with a lab coat tearing the things down

Never underestimate the power of a decent chair!

Was staying at friend's for a couple weeks with a horrible chair - my back just spasmed so hard that I am physically unable to get up from bed. Thank god for devRant to keep me occupied throughout the night.

Stay safe kids

A previous co-worker (dev) bought a "foot mouse" he found on a Chinese website, then changed his keyboard's layout to match the "natural human cognitive ability" also bought a sleeping bag because he needed a "power nap" after lunch break he even asked our MD to buy him an ergonomic chair which would cost around 1200 USD ( of course our MD refused) then the worst of the worst, he had this habit of chewing his food loudly when he's eating something he likes.
One time our operations manager (she was pregnant XD) screamed at him from her desk " RAYAAAAN SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH I CAN HEAR IT FROM HERE DAMN IT"

He literally spilled some of the food he was chewing on his desk and I burst out laughing like crazy.
On the same day our MD told us to follow a new "no food in office" policy 😂😂😂

Sad story is that when he left the company I had to revert his PC to how it was including resetting the keyboard layout to default, remember his "foot mouse" ? Well he had to modify the mouse settings so all directions were inverted.

The first thing I said when I turned on his laptop was

FUCK YOU RAYAN!!

My friend asks me, and what did you get for christmas?
me: I've gotten SO MUCH FUCKING MONEY that I bought a second 3D Printer...
and you?
My Friend: 5 Bucks... I spent them immediatly! 3 Bucks for a chair and 2 for a Rope!

We were laughing our asses of 5 minutes strait...

I got a new chair... But it makes me feel like a little kid...

My smart watch just reminded me to get my lazy ass out of my chair and move some.
I picked up my coffee cup, drank a sip.
That satisfied it.
Lazyness : 1 - Technology: 0

A few years ago, when I was in high school, we had a teacher who would take a quiz every week. This particular teacher would attach his laptop to the projector and then show us the questions on a slideshow. Each slide had an exact amount of time depending on how hard the question was and we had to write the answer on a paper. One week, we also had another exam so neither of us had studied for the quiz. One of my friends who had another class with this teacher, told us that their projector stopped working, so the teacher didn't take the quiz and it was postponed. Since most of the class agreed to postpone the quiz, we decided to sabotage the projector so the teacher would be forced to postpone the quiz. We couldn't actually harm the projector because we would get in trouble, so one of my taller classmates stood on a chair so that she would reach the projector. Then she slipped a small piece of paper between the hdmi/vga cable and the port located on the projector. That way it seemed like it was connected but in reality it was not.
The teacher came, could not connect his laptop to the projector, so no quiz!
Sorry, teacher!

P.S. We reverted the changes the next day. Blamed the cheap cable for short circuiting!

My new Setup :) for code and play
2x 27's Asus Monitors
Macbook Air 11' i7/8gb/512SSD
MSI i7 (6700HQ)/16gb/512SSD/970GTX
MSI i7 (6700HQ)/24gb/128SSD/960GTX
Keyboard Cheery Red Corsair
Corsair Gaming Mouse
DXRacer Gaming Chair
Razer HeadPhone
Logitech Speakers :P
wohooooooooooooooo \o/

I programmed a random credit card generator at school and saved it to my :F drive which is the private drive for students to save stuff to. That night I tried accessing my account and it had notified me that it had been locked. I went into school the next day and was called into the office, the principal and Tech Administrator were there waiting for me and asked what the file was. The Tech Administrator tried to describe to me what he found
"This gen.html file seems to be malicious and puts our school at risk. It seems to be some sort of malware and stuff like that is prohibited at school."
Now me sitting in the chair listening to this, laughing in my head just said "okay" and nodded my head because he is the type of person to argue forever. They came to the conclusion to unlock my account by the end of the semester.
Just goes to show that it doesn't take much to get a Tech Admin position at a school.

My own programming language (still WIP). I got SO excited when I found recursion worked, I even got the simplest factorial recursive function wrong. And then again, once arrays worked, bubble sort it was. I shit you not, once I saw all the numbers printed in order, I had to stand up and walk or I would have jumped out of the chair in excitement.

In case someone is interested, I use LLVM for the backend.

Wanting to build a chair, building a hammer first, noticing that hammers already existe but it's too late.

Currently troubleshooting a client PC's random restarts. Pretty sure it's gonna boil down to "client's chair keeps hitting the power button"

- Hey! I need a quote for this project here...
- Ok, lemme check that...
*reads the document, estimates things, it's a simple, corporate website structure with a bit of custom WordPress code*
- It'll cost XXX for you, and that'll take at least a month to build properly
- Ok! I think this is fair enough, I'll take this to them...

(a week later)

- Dude, we had a talk and the project grew a bit, check the updated specs...
*the project now has blogs, a press kit, online store, some kinda donation/subscription system (this one will have payment gateway integration and a lot of custom code into WordPress) and user accounts for this subscription system + a lot of small stuff*
- Ok, it'll cost you at least XXXX (which is 4.5x the original price) and it'll take at least 3.5 months to build and test properly

(2 hours later)

- Dude, I almost fell from my chair when I saw this, please cut the price by 60% and the deadline to a month from now
- I HOPE YOU GET FUCKED UP FROM BOTH SIDES BY HORSES

VP of company gets fired. Immediately jacks their nice office chair.

"So, you will stay in a chair all day doing 'clickety click'. That's not a job."
(My mother, circa 1990)😲

Yes, I'm old... My first program was written in a stone table with a chisel😁

Manager: Why do you want the promotion to architect?

Dev: I haven't left my comfort zone in nearly a year and I want to have strategic oversight and impact. That and if I have to write any more front-end web code I'm going to fart in your chair.

Manager: We need to establish more of a track record of you handling greater responsibilities.

Dev: That's a really reasonable-sounding way of saying that I need to be doing the job of my current AND promoted self while waiting for you to acknowledge it with the better title and pay.

Manager: I really am rooting for you and the feedback on your work is stellar. Stars just aren't aligned yet.

Dev: I get that there's a bunch of moving parts and I can't force it, but you do realize that this is a candidate-driven market and I can make $20k more a year with the same title by applying somewhere else, right?

Manager: Hey. Careful. Look, I just don't want to look like I'm singling you out for special treatment.

Dev: That's what a promotion IS. Who else has the "stellar" feedback singling them out already?

Manager: Well... Thing is, Rob has amazing feedback

Dev: HOW MANY STELLARS ARE IN AN AMAZING YOU FUCK

Manager: Verbal abuse helps your chances, oddly enough.

I’ve pretty bad ADHD (diagnosed) my entire adult life, so focus has been a huge struggle for me forever. Here’s my strategy:
- Noise-canceling headphones blasting chiptunes (Spotify has some, but YouTube has the best selection of old-school video game music) I’m usually way less distracted if I listen to music without lyrics.
- A chair cushion (I actually use one of those ridiculous donut ones, but I put a normal sized pillowcase on it. SO comfortable, even after many hours.)
- THE POMODORO METHOD. 25 minutes hardcore coding/debugging, followed by 5 minute intervals for breaks, like checking fb, etc. (Breaks are totally optional if you’re in the zone tho 💪) It’s a great way to reward your brain for focusing.
- And if all else fails, the looming threat of unemployment is always there to keep you motivated 🙃 (Sad but true— always crosses my mind when I’m starting to fall behind on a task)

So we are in computer lab with some bitch ass c++ program on the board,,its approx. 150 sloc with lot of if's and else's...halfway into the session my friend rolls on his chair comes to my system asking for help, i say sure dude why not.
So we both roll to his system and that bastard has 0 indentation,a set of brackets for every if else even for non-compound statements with every bracket in a line of its own.......
With great difficulty of restraining myself from punching him in the face,,,i politely ask him"Have you ever coded in python"
He says no
I say "that was a rhetorical question"

Everyone around us bursts into laughter and that poor lad still has no idea what just happened

Python should be made compulsory for fags like these,, they'll know the meaning of indentation only then

I applied for PHP Developer

Interviewer: What is interface?
Me: it is class with unimplemented methods?
Interviewer: But why we use it?
Me: it acts as a contract so you can assure that
on implementing interface developer will follow
the same architecture.
Interviewer: that's okay but why is the need for an interface at first place?

I was irritated with the interview process as he was smirking
every time I answered.

Me: I never get a chance to do that kind of research. Truth is
even if you hire me your manager will declare the unrealistic deadline and won't care if I comment the code or know why we really need to implement an interface.

After he did not smile and I left the chair.

I have the best reason not to leave my "office-chair"...

More comfort and colleagues bringing me coffee😎☕️

I get great support from my coworkers and friends! Thank you!!!

He asked me for help on something, i didnt find the problem so i asked him to create a new branch and let me figure it out.
I went back to my PC, cloned the project, but it took me like forever ..
node_module was removed from .gitignore, i asked him why ? He said "i changed on the source of a package i used, what can go wrong? " ...
I almost hit him with a chair c:

You know it's time to solve a bug when you pause the music, take a final sip of coffe, sit up straight in your chair and take off all accessories

So I've taken the first steps into mobile development this past week, I attached two joysticks to a basic unity app to check if touch input was working and I guess I never got around to uninstalling it. so I go to school and finish some class work early and decide, why not check and see what it would take to get my current main Alpha project working. I open my unity folder and see Joystick_Test and someone walking by asks "what's that?" To which I reply tapping on the app "it's a touch screen test, to see if the phone can detect me touching the screen and dragging my fingers. I hand him the phone and he asks why nothing is happening which I respond with "it's just an input test, it's not ment to be anything fancy I just need to program the joysticks and the scripts are still in development" and he hands the phone back and says "your lazy as shit. I can make the controls work in under a minute" and he walks away. It's lunch now and I manage to catch him in the library. I open Unity, and Mono-develop and call him over. I get out of my seat and say "program the left joystick to move around. I'll give you a hint, vector3". He sits in the chair and stares at the screen for a solid minute until I see him type
Console.writeline("hello world");
And he said it would work and just walked away.

Everyone is ranting/posting about Stephen Hawking RIP &such...

And I'm just sitting here, waiting for his chair to take over the world & shit to hit the fan.. O.O

P.S. no discrespect meant to the guy, I think he was awesome..

Me : *writes a clean class to write logs into event viewer with different categories, and useful information for debug*
Boss: “I’m not a developer but I think that’s useless, just create a log table on a sql server and put everything there.”

I’m asking myself what keeps me here. What, the holy Christ’s butthole fuck, keeps me fucking glued to this chair.

Got an answer from asking a question on Stack Overflow and it made me so happy that I giggled in my chair like a three year old.

So it happened that a roll of my office chair broke. Since the ordering process in our company is a nightmare and takes forever AND my employer is too cheap to buy enough adequate replacement, I had to draw and print a spare part myself...

It was not me doing the screaming but one of my colleagues. He is a super programmer and joined our team early this year as my partner on frontend development.

We're a React/React Native dev house and he has always been uncomfortable with how loose it goes here because of dynamic typing. He has been advocating typescript and Angular since he started and I even allowed him to use typescript on one of the projects.

A month back I started to make jokes about how dead angular was (trigger alert) and he almost lost it. We are good friends so he as been taking it in good spirits.

Last week our boss allowed him a chance to propose a Tech stack for a new project. Naturally he started comparing Angular vs React. I chime in to trigger him again with "why would we work with a bloated zombie framework", he picked up his chair and almost threw it at me while screaming " React is just hacky ". I was laughing so hard and in the end we both did some research. We are proposing Jquery to our boss... (Evil laugh)

Shout out to the people who take someone else's office chair. I just went for a toilet break then *poof* someone took it.

Graduation day:

A guy presents a modified pathfinding algorithm based on a*, in Java.
Jumping to the conclusions, he says he tested the algorithm on a 128x128 graph based maze, but not larger because the program saturates his 4 GB ram pc.

One teacher (algorithms and data structures) literally jumps from the chair "you saturate 4gb of ram with a* on 128x128 graph?!"

Best graduation day ever lol

How fucking amazing is it that finally I had enough money to buy a new monitor and chair and get cold and get stuck in bed for two days. Haven't even openned the chair 🤧

Describe your stress level in one sentence.

I'll kick it off:

"If he sends me one more passive aggressive email, or moronic statement, I will hit him with my chair until he stops moving"

A physician, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"

Note:
Ten points for an arbitrarily female Computer Scientist. ;)

Everytime someone launches a VR headset, people are talking about being able to watch movies in their "personal theater" and I'm here hoping there will be a desktop mirroring or something like a vnc client compatible with the headset so that I can have *infinite* monitors and code more efficiently. I might look stupid swiveling on a chair wearing a headset but hey.. I'll enjoy it!

Imagine.. 32 monitors, a nice piece of noise-cancelling headphones, a swivel chair with keyboard attached ergonomically, backrest bent to near 40degrees..

That moment you're 8 beers deep into your program at 4am, so focused and then realized you've been crossing your legs doing the pee pee dance in your chair so you don't piss yourself because your bladder is full and you just say "ok bathroom break after I finish this method, then one more beer."

Whoever decided that Excel Sheets start at 1 in C# doesn't deserve to have a nice chair.

two days before I complained of lower back pain. raised a concern in office as its due to long sitting hours and got a chair today with great lumbar support. :)

PEBCAK: Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard

Ever have one of those days that you want to high-five people? With a chair? In the face? That is the day I'm having now. Mondays suck.

In a test software that I'm working on, there is a variable at the very beginning which has a comment "Don't change this variable!".

Hidden within the code is function to check the value. If the test user change it, a giant ಠ_ಠ appears on the screen.

No one will complain, but I can hear the gasps and the sudden chair movements... 😈

When you've had a long ass 14 hour day and you're getting nowhere with a problem so you finally accept its time to go to bed...

You lie there for 45 minutes doing nothing but thinking up awesome solutions to the problem you went to bed over....

What would you be willing to sacrifice for 1 tbps internet speeds?

Mine is my left leg. I'll get a prosthetic or wheel chair. Not like I'd be doing much walking with those speeds keeping me distracted lol.

My recruitment story is a bit funny,
i had two interview, first one was to evaluate working style, behavior and ethics, where the interviewer and i spent almost 20 minutes discussing video games 😀.
second was technical, was interviewed by a lady dev manager and the team's technical lead "which i didn't know their roles at that time" went really good and at the end they asked:
Do you wanna ask us any questions?
Me: *leans back, with one arm on the chair arm and with a curious look and pointing one finger at both of them😕*
So what are you two?
them: *both had a shocked face and looked at each other for few seconds, manager chuckles😓😓* Well i am the team's dev manager and this guy is the team's technical lead, and in case you were wondering, we are not a couple.
technical lead: 😂😂😂
Me: 😨😨 no no that's not what i meant i swear.
Interview was over, i left the building thinking 😢😢 oh god, i totally blew it.
2 weeks later i get a phone call asking me to come and discuss contract terms 😂😂😂
sorry for the long story

THis one goes out to the fucktards that decide to fucking change things on api systems to meet new business requirements and fail to fucking scope out the change requirements of dependent systems that YOU are FUCKING UPDATING via THIS FUCKINg API!
You fucking morons!

At least have the fucking decency or balls to walk 10 fucking metres from your stupid ass chair or send a fucking email about the changes rather then me finding out you fucktards change things through an end customer who want to know where there order is!!! FUCK!

The problem lies between the keyboard and the chair..

That feeling when:
You realize you've spent the last 10 minutes typing feverishly while hunched-over your chair... instead of sitting in it, like a normal person.

Today I attended an interview with one of the biggest companies in Automative Technology. What's the worse that could happen. I waited at the reception, then I was taken in. Pushed into a small room. The room could accommodate a single person, but the interviewer and a lady cramped in. I sat on a small chair pushed to the wall. Fuck, I felt claustrophobic. The whole atmosphere was unpleasant. Especially when I tried to see the interviewer, his chest hair kept screaming at me. For God sake, button your shirt man. As the interview went, I figured out, they were not interested in having interview in the first place. Demeaning it was. As I got up to leave, the interviewer walked out first. Then I noticed his feet. Sandals. Goes well with the unbuttoned shirt. Isn't it. If he was going to be my manager, I rather not go even if I get selected.

I once had another dev tell me I needed to oil my chair because he couldn't stand hearing it scream for help all day. 😂

so ive been looking for a java internship for the past days but fuck me, ive made a very huge mistake......

I FORGOT TO ADD JAVA TO MY CURRICULUM

*flips chair*
*flips table*
*flips shit*

hopefully they will see my extra message/letter and read because if they only look at my cv, and see theres no java there, im gonna be rejected real fast :(

wish me luck guys, i went from job hunting to internship hunting bc im reallt desperate now

So today I got an email about a job opportunity. The email was in romainian. This is the exact translation and bear in mind that in romanian as in every other language (I guess) alot of english phrases sound very cringy. This is the email:

We need a fearless hero for the IT realm!
X company, a thriving insurance community, is looking for a real hero of software development that can make code using the .NET mystical hammer that can only be lifted by a worthy, deserving and responsible warrior.

You can't fly? Can't shoot lasers? You are not wasting your night time by looking at the moon on tall blocks wearing a cape? Then you could be the hero we need.

Do not worry, the position does not imply superhuman strength :)) However, it requires intellectual strength and attention to detail. You can even use your powers from a comfortable chair in a welcoming team full of other heroes ready to help you. We won't leave you alone, after all even Batman has Robin :))

I have attached all the information you need. Only The Chosen One can open the document so you will know immediately if you are right. :))

If you want to be responsible with your strength, then I'm waiting for your updated English resume with all your heroic deeds in the past.

Remember, not all heroes wear capes!

... WHAT THE FUCK IS .NET MYSTICAL HAMMER??? AND WHO THE FUCK USES ":))" IN AN EMAIL??

I'm thirteen, and we have an excel unit in our computer class. When she's want to teach us something, she'd deploy her screen on ours and we couldn't do anything. It took me until the third time (yes, that long) to remember the connection was wired via Ethernet. I took the cord out and my computer was free! During the boring "lesson," I opened Code::Blocks to work on a fun side project. When she notice she wasn't connecting to my computer, she walked over to my chair and saw Code::Blocks on my screen. Then, I noticed her behind me. I quickly pressed ALT+TAB. She walked back to her chair. To this day I swear she thinks Im a hacker.

Ok so I've been working on this bug for the past four days, fucking non-stop. I wanted to fucking die, was wishing I could just "pkill -f mylife". I tried fucking everything, did what the documentation told me to, stack overflow, tried different versions of the API, read through more lines of documentation than lines in the bible, to no avail. Start comparing screenshots of error logs from the past four days, notice that I started getting a line saying that it's connecting to the config file in a different location from default. I realize that the config file does not match the config file provided by the package installed, so I switch it to the default location. IT FUCKING WORKED, I've tested it nearly 10 times now and I am still in disbelief. It was a rollercoaster of emotions fixing the bug but now I'm just smiling like a fool in my chair at work now.

Reasons why I hate the hospital I work for...

1. NO fucking budget, for fuck sakes our telecom system is still running Merlin Magix. (I’ve been working on getting the trunk and everything to at least push FreePBX out... Configuration configuration.) but, that requires a decent server to host said system... But guess what? We’ve still got a few servers online that are running server 2012 r2. NO FUCKING BUDGET.

2. Training. They don’t have the budget to send me to training, but the doctors here are rolling in Mercedes... Must be fucking nice.

3. I have 5 f-I-v-e job descriptions. I’m a bio medical technician, network admin, system admin, programmer, and help desk... I fucked up allowing them to know I program.

4. On call 365 days a year. That’s nice and all, but when I’ve got shit to do and the nearest Walmart is an hour away I don’t want a call from Louis “oh the printer has a jam” FUCK OFF LOUIS! Get the paper out, we’ve been over this, I believe in you!

5. Some of the FUCKING (l)users.... You wouldn’t imagine some of the calls I receive, some of my favorite being late late “Hey *anonyops* I know it’s late but we’re needing a chair moved from one room to the other.” FUCK YOU YOU CHEEKY FUCKING CUNT.

The only reason I’m still here is my direct supervisor and a hand full of people that I’ve grown to love. Also, because any computer related job here is either outsourced or filled by a YouTubing god. - reason 1 why I started my own business. Supply and demand.

Rural Kansas Hospitals = shit, inb4 thanks —insert president to blame—

Read the following in Morgan Freeman’s voice.

Okay everyone sit on down and get ready for story time. There once was a workspace that was a pain in the ass to setup. It often would take an entire day even for the most experienced devs on the team...for it was a workspace perched atop a swamp of shit that would require a whole year to refactor into something that isn’t shit.

It was inherited, passed down, stepped in and scrapped from the boot soles of every programmer that ever touched it. It was an amalgam of old, new, and third party components with a class path a mile long and no package management because the company although physically in the present, somehow maintained a temporal presence in the past. And there was nothing that the team hated more than setting that workspace. In short it was an unholy mess that made Satan cry and Dennis Ritchie spin in his grave so much that the state of California attached magnets and a coil to his body and casket to generate electricity.

Then one day the untalented clowns known as App Group decided that our IDE should be owned and configured strictly through them. They took poor Eclipse and mounted so much silly shit to it that it resembled a riding lawn mower with a fax machine and a blender duct taped to it. Eventually as everything the company touched did, it simply turned into a broken, shitty mess that not even Jesus Titty Fucking Christ could bring back the dead.

And then, every month or so the IDE would break in such a grand way that every developer had to rebuild their workspace...the very same Lovecraftian monster disguised as a code base. It was just too much to bear for old Deus. He was all out of fucks and there wasn’t enough alcohol in the world to quiet his injured soul. So he stood on a chair, carved his name in a rafter and tied a noose to it, put it around his neck and finally kicked the chair out from under himself. I am told he even pooped his pants and the post mortem shit in the seat of his pants was still better than the codebase at work. I’m Morgan Freeman.

I hate how desk jobs are stigmatized.

I'm happy in my chair, fuck off.

Today was not a good day for me at all ,being considered a junior developer is not a good thing.
Yes I know due to my lack of the understanding of your 3 years old code base I could not meet up with the deadlines.
So as a punishment one of our senior devs asked me to bring my chair to his desk and told me to commit and push my progress every ten minutes .
He'll then review reading each code line by line ., Reverting too.
The worst part was that for the ten minutes I'll need to wait another 5 , because he was watching some Fifa19 gameplays on YouTube.
This went on for 3 hours .

It worked because I feel like a title noob today .

FUCK OFF with all this Code of Conduct/ Contributors Covenant BULLSHIT..... Coraline Ada Ehmke The stupid cunt ass tranny bitch started this bullshit.
Heres a crazy idea.... Focus on the god damn code and quit worrying about the other shit.
If you cant stand the heat get the fuck out of the kitchen....
I am sooooo fucken tired of this pansy ass cry baby SJW generation. All of them just need to be forced onto a judas chair... im afraid they would like it too much tho.
At this point there is'nt a law to prevent me from discriminating against Political Ideologies in employment. Its the only way to prevent your company from being infected by the virus.

Has anyone ever laid down and programmed? Like I’m one of the laziest programmers ever. You can always see me slouch in my chair to the fullest.

Thinking about asking my company for a super reclining bed chair and a VR headset instead of a $5,000 stand up desk.

My setup! You can see my cable "management" at the bottom... Here is a list of everything:
Raspberry Pi Zero
Raspberry Pi 1*
Raspberry Pi 3
Lenovo IdeaPad 14isk with i5 6200U @ 2.6 GHz, 1TB SSD, 1TB HDD and 8GB RAM
HP wireless laser comfort mouse^
Some random blue Fellowes mouse mat*
Viglen EZ9920 keyboard*
HP LaserJet P1102w printer*°
Some IKEA lamp^, desk and chair°
Logitech RX250 mouse*
IntoCircuit Power Bank^
Logitech Z123 2.1 speakers^
Acer S220HQL monitor (1080p)
Kindle Fire HD 3rd Gen
SanDisk ImageMate AIO card reader
Some rubber ducks x2°
Items marked ° are not visible in the photo
Items marked ^ were literally the cheapest I could find
Items marked * were second-hand

My pain medication makes me drowsy all the time but only lets me sleep at inconvenient times. For example, I got to sleep at 5:30 this morning. Work up at 6:30. But my body will be more than happy to put me to sleep in my computer chair at random intervals throughout the day.

Guess I'll get to work, then?

Get yourself a proper set of peripherals (mouse, keyboard and chair), you will be using them quite a lot, so don't skimp out, it's you livelihood, so take care of it 🙂

I was called back into work last night at 4 a.m.

(L)user - *anony* I’m sorry to wake you but I’m needing on the internet and I can’t get out.

**Just installed a new firewall and I haven’t had time to get a trusted cert pushed through**

Me - alright I’ll be there in a second.

After rolling my sweet ass out of bed and getting here, I get her through and leave. When I get back to my house I realize I’d forgot my fucking keys... I come back and the bitch has her computer shut down reading a book and isn’t even using the internet...

Me - I thought you needed on the internet, whys your computer shut down...?

Her - Oh, I don’t need it right now, I was just having trouble getting on is all.

FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCK! This is the SAME fucking (l)user that somehow managed to get the fucking toner stuck backwards in a printer. It’s the same girl that has called me in the past at late hours and requested that I move a chair from one patient room to the other. A fucking chair. I’m not in the maintenance department... so first, you’re calling the wrong department and second; the time it took you to call me you yourself could have fucking done it. She didn’t like the way that call ended.

Although partially my fault, if I would have finished everything I wouldn’t have had to get up but shit... this fuck still deserves a chair to the fucking face.

Friend : Your bed has your laptop, your clothes and all of this. How do you even sleep here.

Me : I'm a developer. I don't sleep by choice. I am just sitting on my chair, doing stuff and a point comes when the body just can't take it anymore. That's when I hit the sack. So you see...

Duct tape fixes all! At least until I get a new chair...

I went to sleep immediately while taking a break from debugging and the dream was me debugging the same error the entire time. Then I woke up in my chair and resumed debugging

I hate some parts of this company.

They literally have a "Designer" which made a mockup for our new UI and honestly when I first saw it I almost threw up.

Having made a lot of designs myself for personal projects and for fun I LITERALLY SAW he barely put any effort into it he just threw some stuff together took a shit on it and called it a UI.

For that interview we were actually expecting wireframes and not mockups since we were not sure what workflow we wanted for the UI.
Of course this would have come with feedback from us and then would have been reiterated and this was clear from our last talk with him.

Maybe he didn't know what wireframes were ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

If this wasn't enough, he was also consistently misspelling words all over the place, not aligning parts of the UI, misplacing common UI elements and stupid stuff like having a GIGANTIC + button for adding a object to a list for a NO TOUCH SCREEN UI.

(The plus button was all the way to the bottom left of the screen as far away from the list so users get a good hand workout).

But everyone just loved it because "We have known him for a long time and he has a big portfolio so he must know what he's doing".

I couldn't bring in anything, you truly notice the difference between "I don't agree with your opinion but you are heard" and "Shutup my buddy the designer is amazing".

I was not being an asshole I was giving critique on specific parts of the UI and not just saying "it's shit" hoping we could improve on it. Still having naive hope for the future of this project.

He even looked kinda mad and irritated by my opinion and just looked at the people previously mentioned.

I truly hate people who just keep using the exact same worthless piece of garbage people because they have known them for a long time.

Personally I wanted to grab him off his chair and throw him out through the window, 2 floors down, straight into the garbage bin, making damn sure he doesn't accidentally fall into the recycle bin.

Never ever would I enjoy or like this application's UI if I had to work with it as a user.

!rant

Bought myself a new chair from Ikea. Just finished assembling it.

😍😍😍

Damn it chair! why can't you just shut up?? I'm trying to work here 😠

Continued from previous post.

The man with hoodie walked down a dark alley. At distance, a house which looked haunted stood. As he entered the house he sighed a relief. Once inside, he descends to the basement where an old computer sat. He turned on the computer and smiled. The screen showed a prompt. With fews keystrokes, a series of scripts begin to execute. Finally at the bottom, a text blinked.
"Awaiting Connection........"

The CPU was recovered from rubble and brought to General's office as per his order. It was connected to a power source and it started to boot. A prompt showed up. A man in suit, suggested perhaps it expected a login. The General sat on his chair smoking a cigar thinking on what action must be taken next.

While men in suit discussed about the CPU, someone plugged in a LAN cable. The General who was lost in thought, saw this from corner of his. A moment passed. General sprang from his chair, hurling his cigar to the floor. As men in suits, looked at the General's display of athletic behavior they sensed the tension. Everyone turned to the CPU now connected to LAN now.

Far way, the screen on hooded man computer showed. "Connected".
A series of scripts started to execute.
Cold wind was all that could be heard out side the General's office building and the house, where hooded man sat in the dark.

Am I the only one who procrastinates only on starting a task? Like, once I start the task, then it's easy to keep going till completion; but I can't freaking get my butt into the chair and start.
Any tips on how to get over starting troubles?

My chair just leveled up!

My friend told me if I get a gaming chair that my code will improve by 49%. Is this true??

CS prof comes over and asks me to explain my final project and to look over my code etc. Shes generally rude and starts going "mhm, yeah, ok" without even looking up and then asks to test my output.

Well fuck. My program works except for a couple shitty bugs that I’d just found out about two minutes ago. One of them was that it would crash every time the user simply pressed enter when asked for input. So here I am, hoping to fuck that doesn’t happen or else there goes 10% from this mark. It happens (obviously w/ my luck). She goes "oh" and continues to write shit down while I sit there cringing internally. Then with a quick fake ass "thank you" she walks away and I slowly turn back in my chair to my monitors and to my sad sad code.

The next day, I find out the result. 95%. And it still crashes to this day whoops ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Complains about sitting all day.
Proceeds to roll around in an office chair to get around.

So before the Age of JavaScript, when programming was trying to be an engineering discipline, I felt like we were getting close to figuring out what worked and what didn't. We had rules of thumb (more general than Patterns) and code smells.
Then JavaScript came in and no one had time to think about "engineering" anymore. I'm fine with MVP and small iterations, but the disdain I see for making code clean and extendable and improvable is baffling (and annoying). First-time coders might never have had to fix someone else's code, but two weeks in a chair should have fixed that.
It's not that understanding code is so hard (although it can be); understanding the _intent_ is hard. This MVP is great, but when no one had time to document what is actually supposed to happen, programmers have to reverse-engineer the *design*.

!rant

Got a new chair today. I feel like a new dev.

Will try to keep that one short.

So we have internal system for active QR codes, nothing really special, as you could imagine. I wrote it when I was beginner but it works and is heavly battle-tested.

Today JBOG (just bunch of guys) come in and try to BS me that something is showing up wrongly for someone.

I check things up, nothing looks out of the order, I go there, everything looks fine too, and they say that yeah but this printed certificate's QR dosen't match what some QR with this name is within the system...

Short invastigation. TL;DR, someone who was rendering/printing these certificates had bunch of these codes with names like

30. ABC
31. ABC
32. ABC

And just casually missclicked...

And to come to that conclusion they need fucking backend dev to confirm that code last 1.5 year didnt magically change, and to destroy their magical belief that it's code's fault.

No, someone fucking missclicked. Whole magic. Usually problem is between chair and keyboard, get fucking used to it. Now, having that settled, let me get back to my work.

Ever have those fucking days where you want to “chair-to-face” every should-have-been condom baby that crosses your path?

Fuck I want to get off this roller coaster ride already... Only a few more months.

Get the fuck out of my way, Martha... Your mother should have swallowed.

Stop fucking slouching in that chair.

My back hurts! I need suggestions for a new chair.

Yesterday my cousin called me to fix his scanner, he said that it didn't work anymore. When i went to his house to check it out, the scanner worked properly! In the 99% of cases, the problem is between the device and the chair

Lately, in the company I work for, it's becoming the norm for the dev to finish workdays at 10pm or 11pm, but we still get yelled at when we arrive after 9am. Anyway, every week, the PMs and salesmen have a big meeting to debrief how everything is working so well in this so wonderful company, and whatever. From what I've been told, it's just a big session of self-satisfaction, applause, and gossips.
During the two or three last meetings, some PMs dared to point out that the dev felt underestimated and constantly under pressure. Last time, the boss of the managers answered: "Developers just like to complain."
Yeah, right! We work like hell everyday to respect deadlines of underestimated projects, we have to fight to get hardware, and even a good chair is a precious resource!
Ultimately, another PM trainee said projects were late because dev are just laughing all day long... Go figure!
I feel like most of IT companies treat dev like inferior robots :(

Have you guys ever experienced a pbkac error? (problem between keyboard and chair)

This popped up on Best Buy while I was looking around for ideas for my next chair. Somehow I don't think they are on speaking terms with their daughter anymore 🤣

I fucking love my job. The boss just bought all the devs, QA and support guys brand new sit/stand desks and gaming chairs. Those chairs are so damn comfy! :)

[context: sitting in a chair, posting a comment here in devRant]

Other Person (jokingly): "That doesn't look like volunteer work, that looks like texting!"

Me (awkwardly): "Haha, yeah..."

Me (internally): If only I had people to text...

I present to you the rubber duck I use for debugging.

that's right I dont have one. I just to talk to myself really. but what's curious is that when I do this, I tend to cock my head to a side, or turn slightly in my chair as if I was talking to someone just behind me. I didnt realize I was doing this until my cousin pointed it out to me coz it was creeping her out.

let me also mention that I used to have an imaginary friend growing up. his name's Jesse. I dont know if it really is just a weird mannerism or maybe I was still subconsciously talking to him.

My computer is so out of date at this point, I measure compile time by the amount of times I can spin around on my chair, I'm at 48, if I get to 50 I think something magic might happen.

My programming mantra:

The problem is between keyboard and the chair.

I rarely tell this story because it's hard to believe and would show me in a bad light if people don't believe its details. I know there have been foolish moves from my part, and more stuff should have been agreed to in writing, and I did step into a legal grey area. However I am pleased with what I did and how it all turned out, and this is as close to the truth as possible without needing to explain too many details.

I was once a team lead in an outsourcing company. We had a flexible payment plan depending on results. That helped me motivate myself and my team. Things worked great.

But then the boss started acting like shit:
1. Flexible payment means minimum, right?
2. Promises are made to be broken, as long as your employees have hope and work overtime for a whole month just to finish an important project before schedule, right?
3. Who needs a good, comfortable, SAFE work environment when you can save 30$ on not buying a new crappy chair in place of the old broken crappy chair, if it can be maintained standing by just a bit of duct tape and careful balancing on it? It's not like that developer who earns 30$ per hour has anything else to think about than balancing on a broken chair, right?

I'm a very calm person at work. I never ever raised my voice at anyone for 10 years of my career. Except this situation. I pulled the boss out of the office so his secretary wouldn't hear what I had to say. I threw this everything into his face.
A guy from sales got out of the office to go to the bathroom, and when he heard me, he carefully snuck back into the office (I didn't see him. He told me this over a beer after he left).

Of course I quit on the spot, convinced most of my team members to leave (wasn't hard, I just had to offer a secure plan, which I did), and helped my team members to get good positions elsewhere, and assisted others in starting their own business, by stealing customers from this company (the asshole did not foresee this when he prepared the labour contracts), after he accused me of plagiarism (that I stole code from somewhere else) and used that excuse to not pay me what we agreed upon.

I didn't want litigation. I just used karma, while remaining in the legal realm.

Within a month after this, more than half of his company was gone, and he was left with only a fraction of the revenue he was making before, since the only ones left were people that did not produce value (sales that had nothing to sell, accounting that had nothing to account, etc.), and just one person maintaining one remaining contract that was bringing barely enough money to sustain half of these people.

Now I want to congratulate you for actually finishing reading this :)

Story from when game disks were in fashion
I asked my best buddy to burn a disk of GTA vice city so that I can install it on my desktop.
The next day when I receive the disk and insert it into my PC I almost fell of my chair laughing cause that douche bag had copied the icon from his desktop to the disk and burned it .
I almost fell laughing not because what he did , but because he did so when he was in his final year of his IT degree 🤣🤣🤣

I don't understand 'flex' work spots, meaning you choose a different place to sit every day at work. I am a tiny person and most of the people I will work with are giant dutch guys. I need a low ass desk and chair so I can actually see my screen and touch the fucking floor. Let me have my spot, thank you.

Seriously, why are so many companies caught up with if there developers working from home or not? Maybe it's where I'm at, but my last boss said ...

" I know you don't have any problem making deadlines and your a good worker, but you still need to come to the office in order to have face to face interaction."

Me: "This is the first face to face conversation I've had with someone in over a week."

Boss: (shrugs)"our goal is to build an office friendly environment where people will enjoy coming into the office"

Me: in my head "your an idiot"... Out loud "Ok"
...

In reality my custom built machine is better than yours, and I'm more productive in my Sealy Posturpedic chair and pajamas than your wack office chair with you popping your head out of your office every couple hours to "manage" me when you haven't written code in years and i have to teach you things that you bring to your boss to make yourself look smart.

When your new build is compiling and just scooting right along so you think... sure, I could go for some food. No. Nope. Not even. It chooses the exact moment you leave to nope the fuck out completely with the most random compiler errors that you would have never seen had you just been sitting there in the chair. It's like it knows. Maybe next time I leave I'll promise to bring it back a taco.

Currently i am working as a student at a teaching chair for embedded systems, so my boss is the professor there and the subject of this weeks story 😄

He is very passionate about his field and keeps close contact to the students and their representatives.
He invests a lot of resources into getting students to learn and make projects and pays us to supervise a hands on course for students to build IoT projects.
As employees we get to work on interesting projects and he listens to us and our concerns if we feel a project is having certain problems.

I have a dedicated office space at home with a huge desk that was given to me by my mom and stepdad as a gift with a really nice chair that my wife got for me. It has a nice long whiteboard to write whatever it is I am doing, a bookshelf with tons of coding books and guitar magazines and shit. A closet with good space and in a corner sits my guitar and amp.

Where can I be located during coding hours? In the floor, on the living room, using a box to put one of my laptops in.

Why am I like this?

Microsoft engineer walks into my room. we need to join your laptop to the domain, as part of the migration and upgrade company policy. so I give the guy my laptop. The guy has an agonizing look on his face! He goes. This is linux! Mind you all this time am nodding and bouncing on my chair. The guy bolts from my room, as if he was going to report direct to Bill Gates. Apparently the dev team was left out in the whole migration plan!

After ranting last night about my cat, not allowing me access to my key.

Today she didn't let me sit on my own goddamn chair.......

Ten years sitting in front of a screen finally started taking it's toll. My back is killing me.

Looking for a nice chair... But can't find one because South America.

Today I spent 3 hours working on a bug. As usual, the issue was on the chair/keyboard interface...

Headphones, a quiet room, a comfortable chair, something to drink (coffee, red bull, water, tea) and something that is interesting enough to totally focus on.

I am currently doing my first ever internship. It is a medium-ish sized IT company and I basically do stuff in networking and software development. I sit on my chair, wheel it back and forth the small space behind my desk for like and hour. Then I go to the cafeteria, eat whatever is there (it’s absolutely free? Hopefully). There is a pool table which is always occupied. Then I sit in the lab and configure routers till 8 in the night. Boring.
I am developing a management system side by side so I break my head over server side routes (seriously, they are confusing) over the night.
So coffee is my mantra and boring is my life.

Me: Ugh i want to try a hackintosh again but all my SSD's are in my PC already and its not worth spending $100 for a small one...

*Leans back in chair literally knocking 3 SSD's off my shelf*

just might have optimised myself away by recommending a software to my boss which does 90% of the tools i'm maintaining right now...wondering if i will still be in this chair next year

Since it's a Sunday (GMT+8), I'm gonna insert religious references in this rant:

Yeah so I got on the phone with a recruiter who found me on LinkedIn, who wanted me and, upon knowing that I am trad, proudly said that they are a Christian IT company and they have Bible studies every Thursday 3 PM and it lasts until 6 or 7 PM.

"That's impressive! But I'm sorry. I already signed a contract." Which is true.

Sounds like they use Bible study time as an excuse to take a long break from coding, which is again fine for me. Dev is mental labor. Take as much time as you need, as long as you make it to the end of the sprint without unfinished tasks.

But as a Christian I don't think a three hour Bible Study is practical. You'll space out after an hour not learning anything. My catechism classes only last two hours at most. My formator doesn't even keep me for that long! My spiritual director, for even less. We have this kneel-down meetings where I have to kneel on the hard marble floor facing my SD from his side. While he sits down on a comfortable chair, he inclines his ears to listen to my ranting. That shit is painful. But it keeps me from repeating myself silly. Spiritual lesson easily delivered right into my head.

No need for a three hour Scripture lesson in my frank opinion. Please just be honest to your bosses that you want a mental break that is all.

Problem exists between keyboard and chair.

Chair porn

When I started working as designer my boss at that time liked to invite people to remote control me, sit or stand behind my neck to explain their will and tell me to do this, "can we try this?", "can it be changed to another color?", "is it possible to move logo to the left?" and all that m*f*cking shit.

It didn't take long before I decided that I wouldnt accept that anymore.

They come with that energy, that illusion of power to play god with your fast mouse...

The first solution was to stand up with them around the chair and tell them I would take notes, then do the changes and mail them. That worked but sometimes it didn't feel right for the boss who got mad and tried to handle the mouse like trying to pretend she was going to do it...

In case the visit was by surprise I used this method, not sitting in worst position. Just recover dignity standing to their commaning stance.

The best and what became the real solution was printing things we needed, receive and guide clients to a meeting room where we would discuss things and take notes on the papers.

We code hard in these cubicles

My style’s nerd-chic, I’m a programmin’ freak

We code hard in these cubicles

Only two hours to your deadline?

Don’t sweat my technique.

Sippin’ morning coffee with that JAVA swirl.

Born to code; my first words were “Hello World”

Since 95, been JAVA codin’ stayin’ proud

Started on floppy disks, now we take it to the cloud.

On my desktop, JAVA’s what’s bobbin’ and weavin’

We got another winning app before I get to OddEven.

Blazin’ code like a forest fire, climbin’ a tree

Setting standards like I Triple E….
Boot it on up, I use the force like Luke,

Got so much love for my homeboy Duke.

GNU Public Licensed, it’s open source,

Stop by my desk when you need a crash course

Written once and my script runs anywhere,

Straight thuggin’, mean muggin’ in my Aeron chair.

All the best lines of code, you know I wrote ‘em

I’ll run you out of town on your dial-up modem.

Cause…
We code hard in these cubicles

Me and my crew code hyphy hardcore

We code hard in these cubicles

It’s been more than 10 years since I’ve seen the 404.

Inheriting a project can make me go beeee-serk

Ain’t got four hours to transfer their Framework.

The cleaners killed the lights, Man, that ain’t nice,

Gonna knock this program out, just like Kimbo Slice

I program all night, just like a champ,

Look alive under this IKEA lamp.

I code HARDER in the midnight hour,

E7 on the vending machine fuels my power.

Ps3 to Smartphones, our code use never ends,

JAVA’s there when I beat you in “Words with Friends”.

My developing skills are so fresh please discuss,

You better step your game up on that C++.

We know better than to use Dot N-E-T,

Even Dan Brown can’t code as hard as me.

You know JAVA’s gettin’ bigger, that’s a promise not a threat,

Let me code it on your brain

We code hard in these cubicles,

it’s the core component…of what we implement.

We code hard in these cubicles,
Straight to your JAVA Runtime Environment.

We code hard in these cubicles,
Keep the syntax light and the algorithm tight.

We code hard in these cubicles,

Gotta use JAVA if it’s gonna run right.

We code hard in these cubicles

JAVA keeps adapting, you know it’s built to last.

We code hard in these cubicles,

Robust and secure, so our swag’s on blast

CODE HARD

How fucking spam can harm you in real life: While I worked on smt and drinking coffee (of course) the phone vibrated and I catch for it automatically. The phone was fallen on the coffee and ruined rug, phone, table and chair (no keyboard). After I dried phone I were discovered that it was SPAM.

Woke up super late (evening), was planning to work on my personal project, but didn't have a table where I can comfortably code and sketch out my ideas.
Hence, dressed up immediately and went to a furniture shop.
Getting table, chair and a bed (which I was planning for a long time) tomorrow.
Gonna just sit and code whole day tomorrow...

When you work for a company where the guy next to you leans back and falls of his chair smashing into a fan all over the shop you look for people to laugh and take the piss call him a dick and no one else bats a eyelid and just keeps coding, you know you life is over in this job!!!

Yeah these fucking assholes lost a 300 pound gaming chair at my local depot for 3 weeks where I eventually got a refund from Amazon. I ordered a USB desk fan for the heat off ebay, yeah these fucking cunts delivered it to my workplace at 9pm.

Guess who is building my companies new ecommerce platform, where I am currently integrating the shipping options. Fuck off Yodel.

Ah transports

Minding my own business in a crowded train, listening to full blast music. As the song changes I sort of heard an announcement but didn't get the subject.

Guy in front of me does a 180° and starts talking to me. I thought he wanted some guidance, so I removed my headset and never did I regret more doing that, that guy just went on and on about his life and stuff that I don't care about, until he got off his stop. Ironically, before he left off he said "you know my mama always told me that you should ignore people you're not interested in" (Forest Gump Swiss edition? He didn't have a box of chocolates though)

I was like "yes, fuck off, not interested in your bullshit", but well, noticed he might be sensitive.

After he left some teens just came and pretended I didn't exist as they invaded my corporal space. Pushed one gently as he was leaning on to me a bit too much.

People must see me as a help point, you know those terminals where you can browse stuff... That's me. The Father of them all.

When Microsoft shuttered Windows XP, my mom's old laptop became a virus-prone, sluggish machine. She let me have it, soon after which I decided to install Ubuntu on it. One thing I should note about this laptop is that the battery could not hold a charge. The power cord was the laptop's life support, and I made sure to place the power brick on a flat surface.
One day, a new version of Ubuntu was released. I decided to perform a dist-upgrade. Because this laptop was on the older side, the ventilation left a lot to be desired by today's standards. Rather than roast my crotch, I placed my computer on the table and the power brick on a swivel chair next to me.
I was working on an assignment for a class when I saw movement in my peripheral vision. I turned and watched in horror as my power brick fell off the chair, pulling the charging cord out of the laptop and turning off the laptop... MID-UPGRADE!
Moral of the story, learn to navigate a computer via a text interface if you haven't already. It may save your ass someday. It saved mine.

ok, well, I have a list of worst interview experiences. here is one. This was my very first job interview.

[Things differ with places, but where I live, we give a lot of respect to teachers, interviewers etc]

It was my turn for the interview and I forgot to knock the door. The interviewer didn't like that. But I guess he ignored.

I also forgot to ask to get in. So, instead of pointing out my mistake, he taunted me. When I was already in, in front of him, he looked at me and said "Yh, come in!" as in, you forgot to ask that. But I was already more then, just in.

I felt sorry, quietly sat down on the chair. when I was well settled on my chair, he looked at me and said "Yh! sit down please!". Again reminding me I forgot to ask him to sit down.

Should I have apologized atleast? I forgot to do so! So he reminded me again, "Oh that's okay! don't say sorry."

It was enough embarrassing for me already when I hadn't even utter a word. I don't give a damn about interviews anymore, but well, that was my first one! You must know that feel.

Well, he was quite happy with the rest of the interview, so at the end of it he told me "it's okay it usually happens initially. You'll get used to it pretty soon." I ignored that later but could never forget how it all started. 😂🎃

Sometimes the best thing about my job is that my chair spins..

I hate people who pushes/pulls/leans on my chair while asking me a question.

'nother "teacher" story here.

Little background knowledge: I'm repeating the things he told us about at home and try to learn them by myself. I use the newest Visual studio and .NET framework version.
In school we have pretty old PC's and even older .NET framework. But let this insanity begin...

As normally i entered my classroom a little late (I have a dangerous habit of ignoring my alarms) and sat down on my chair. We were only 3 people including me at that moment so everything was pretty chill. I ask him what our task was and something along these lines occurred:
Me: what's our task?
Teacher: you remember your shopping list program? I want a textbox in it next to the listview and I want it to show every listview item
Me: that doesn't make sense
Teacher: yadda yadda just do it
Me: kaaaaay, anything else?
Teacher: actually yes! Please use inheritance.
Me: *baffeld* that doesn't make any sense at all. We have 5 different fruits; you tell me i should make a class per fruit!?
Teacher: yes of course! This is how professionals do it all the time. Please give them a distinct attribute, too.
Me: *angry* I'm. Not. Gonna. Do. This. This is total bullshit and also really bad coding style. I'm not going to teach myself something that doesn't make sense at all.
(Note: i know how inheritance works and he knows that too)
Teacher: You have to do it, you won't be prepared for final exams otherwise!
Me: leave my exam prep to me. I won't do this.
Teacher: *grumbles* fine

Later that very same lesson i got a .NET compatibility error. I couldn't work because I wasn't allowed to change anything on the installation nor to install a newer framework. So basically he told me I should've used 'sharpdevelopment' (which is not able to do windows Forms, but hey who cares) and this would not have happened. I was so furious at that moment i just took all my stuff, told him that I work 'from a place where i got decent software and space to think' and left the room.

Why did this person decide to become a programming teacher?

Remember to exercise kids!

My back is dying. Work equipment is great, but at home my posture is screwed from my chair not going high enough and my desk being too high for my arms to be parallel.

Hey boss,

Here’s a letter for you.
First of all, thank you for the stable job and advantages we have as a small business in the middle of the alps.

Following that, FUCK YOU.
Why? Because of the retarded clients I have to deal with because they’re your friends. Because I have to spend more energy doing fucking politics instead of doing IT. We have people that like t bla bla. Send them, not me.
Close me in a basement with a computer, a bunch of screens, a comfortable chair and a package of cigarettes. I’ll write Google from scratch for you if I need to (not sure I could at all). But please, stop fucking sending me to morons with the same IQ level of a sheep. And sheeps are more clever sometimes.

And last but not the least. Learn to fucking dress accordingly. We’re not in a gay pride but in a business.