Friend : Dude I have mastered Object Oriented Programming. I work only in classes now.
Me : That's nice! Only a Few people manage to master it. Which language do you prefer though?
Friend : CSS
Me : :/

$('body').append('<noscript>Please enable javascript in your browser to enjoy all web features.</noscript>');

A saw it this morning. Now i can die.

Me on my phone, visiting a website. A popup appears "You have 300 viruses on your phone. Download this app."

You fucking piece of Javascript, stay in your limits.

Let alone all the facts. I know one thing. 3 Billion devices run Java.

Designer: Can you hide scrollbar and still make web scrollable?
I: Sure.
Designer: Ok fine, i'll do that in next design.
I: Wait, how users will know the web has more content?
Designer: I'll put the mouse icon on the bottom.
I: It is not good idea. People can overlook it.
Designer: It will be fine.
I: I strongly recommend to you not to do it.
Designer: Why?
I: Confusion besides other reasons.
Designer: If you can do it, do it.
I: Ok than.

$request->getIP() == 'his_ip' ? 'hide-scrollbar';

When manager tries to get funny.

Client: Hi Johny, we finnaly finished design of our eshop. Half of year of hard work. Can you code it in week? We have deadline. :(
I: Sure, i can code in speed of light.
Client: How about money?
I: Tripple of sallary.
Client: What?
I: My sallary also grow in speed of light.

Some clients can not understand they can't throw shits on my head. Take it, hire someone else or stop giving mi impossible conditions.

He: Hi Lexter, our client made a website on WIX.
Me: And he wants to remake the website due to SEO, shit code, design and all other aspects.
He: How do you know?
Me: Realy?

He: Honzo, you are great coder, but can you please stop using those sexy anime chicks as placeholder images in your templates?
I: Ups, i forgot replace them.
He: Don't worry, client also enjoy it, but he maybe is only one. He also want to know where you found them.
I: Konachan.com

What can i say, i have exciting work.

It's my birthday! :)
And it's a national holiday in India. :D
#NoWorkDay

Drunken neighbor: Did i piss you?
I: No.
Drunken neighbor: I know i do, but i want a girl. This is my problem.
I: Go find her.
Drunken neighbor: I can't, i'm black.
I: It's not the reason.
Drunken neighbor: It is.
I: Reason si you are dirty, drunken pig.
Drunken neighbor: You are racist!
I: Och, sorry, i forgot. You are dirty, drunken, black pig. One more time you will wake us at 3am i'll call ku klux klan on you so my girlfriend can sleep at night. Now fuck off and let us sleep.

Happy new year.

The WP Gutenberg editor is really amazing. Clients can now fuck up their websites with much less effort. So yeah, IT IS FASTER.

Client: can you filter boats by location?
Me: Let me see... As you know, there are three remote systems that feed data into your database. I'd have to make a connection between the location records. But I can't rely on coordinates, name, ID or anything else. You'd have to manually create those links for me by remote systems records IDs. Telling me that record XY from system A is identical to record YX from system B, etc...
Client: How many records are we talking about?
Me: 504.

Three days later...

Client: Got it, is that enough for you in excel?
Me: Let me see... Very nice work, I can work with that.
Client: I almost died on it!

An hour later...

Me: Got it, test it and let's run it on the production version.
Client: It works beautifully.

A minute later...

Can we filter the ships by ports?
Me: Let me see... Yes, it's theoretically possible, but it's the same situation as with places...
Client: How many records are we talking about?
Me: 12,647.

Skype relayed to me the sound of something heavy falling, something grunting. Something dying.

Girlfriend: How much water did you drink today?
Me: About 3 litres.
Girlfriend: How much of that is coffee?
Me: 5 cups.
Girlfriend: How can you count coffee in that?
Me: Why not?
Girlfriend: It's diuretic.
Me: Yes, but it's still water that goes through my body.
Girlfriend: You're such a smart-ass, huh?
Me: Well, yes, I am.
Girlfriend: So why are you so tired if you think you're drinking enough water? Well?
Me: Never ask a question you don't want to know the answer to.

Girlfriend slammed the door.

So no, women don't want honest men. Guys, lie, lie, lie.

And now I can look at the error message.

No offence

The thing about life is, there is no ctrl + z

I know, i know, maybe i'm just too old and know shit about readability of code. Seizure coming.

#MondayInspiration

!rant

The beauty of Taj. :)

Honzo, can we make this website responzive?

Looking ito code:
position:absolute; position:absolute; position:absolute; position:absolute; position:absolute; position:absolute; position:absolute; position:absolute;

Response: Sure.
Client: Cost?
Me: Much.

I've been healthy since spring. I follow all precautions. Now I've been diagnosed with covid, at Christmas and I feel like shit. I hope I don't lose my taste.

Realy, fuck me...

The pandemic is more serious than I thought. Out of boredom, I started writing a book. Post-apocalyptic sci-fi horror. I have 75 standard pages behind me and I still have something to write.
I guess a lot of people trying to do the same.

Hi Lexter, we bought a template and we need....
---
Instant job rejection.

When designer does not care and when coder do care.

Working with Facebook api is the equivalent of being at a dentist where a dentist is an ivory poacher.

I never understood why designers design radio and checkbox inputs like that. I guess the standard design is too much accessible.

Even with something as simple as pagination, it's possible to create a complete accessibility abomination. Dear designer, you've perfected your flat design style.

Fuck you! I'm not coding this.

It's a website about selling solar panels, underfloor heating etc... Not a single piece of design reminds it.

I hate this trend. Take up the whole screen for one big nothing. Yep, 1920x1080 is apparently not enough to show me more than motto, one link and freaking big image nobody care about.

Fuck, i must code it. Oh damn, there is 8 same sections on the whole page. Don't worry, not a single one of them worth reading! FUCK YOU designers!

The moment when you ask a great question on stackoverflow and all you get are -1s. Later finding that the question is duplicate.

And all my life I thought "clicking refresh on my windows" makes the computer faster.

God helps those who help themselves.

I: Hi. You are talented. You designed a button bigger than my mom ass, flatter than my girlfriend chest and still almost invisible. What is purpose of this button?
He: Minimalism.
I. One more time...

Thursday Inspiration.

Just Front end things.

CSS preprocessors sucks.
CSS frameworks sucks.
Simple truth.

Designers are sometimes too active.

I got caught...

Hi Lexter, we think our web is broken. This message does not seems right:

For Biden.

I love my job, those little things.

Not even McDonald have burger menu on desktop version of web. Keep it in your mind.

I bet you, this time will fucking come.

Minimum requirements for access this website:
CPU - 1.8 GHz Intel Core 2 Duo
RAM - 1 GB of ram
Hard Drive - 500 MB of free space
Video - 1 GB RAM

Recommended requirements for access this website:
CPU - 2.4 GHz Intel Quad Core
RAM - 2 GB
Hard Drive - 500 MB of free space
Video - 4 GB RAM

<requirements></requirements>

When your client gave you double sallary if you will work during christmass... Now i feel like a fucking hero when i looking into my girlfriend eyes in free time during christmass. Bit poorer, but who cares.

Enough to screw up a Friday!

When another "front-end developer" appends the entire bootstrap CSS file to your templates because it needs to align two elements. To templates that never included any css framework cuz i hate them... Then he asked me for help because it did not work... I fixed an invalid CSS file reference.

FUCK HIS LIFE

I heard it, i fucking heard it!

"You must use this web in right way."

Coming home to this. :D
So cool!
@dfox- You rock man!

Most of the time just standard XSS.

After years of experience in the industry, I find that I have 1000% more skills and 2000% more knowledge.

I have come to the realization that I need to do 500% less things and demonstrate 1000% less knowledge.

2022, Lex Lexter, a collection of wisdom

Best present i got this year. Ideal for developer. :P

When you are feeling hungry but don't know what to eat. Milk Powder to the rrescue :D

Designer:
Responzivity looks little off:

I:
1) Yep, by default all elements are excesively large, so i need to do many breaks to fit all scenarios and keep important informations in first few screens.
2) Sometimes you follow 1280 max-width, sometimes 1440, sometimes others. It is hard to achieve some consistent look on smaller devices than your biiig monitor.
3) Design is heavily dependent on large and various images with text overlay. In some scenarios text become unreadable.
4) You did not design a responzive version in first place, so FUCK OFF! I just trying to do my best to fix your shit because you suck as hell!

Escaled quickly, but i'm so tired of this idiot.

I: I see, this web contain user functions, like registrations, product adding, details editing and many other stuff. Can i ask one question?
Client: Sure.
I: Why designer did not designed those elements?
Client: You can do it better directly from the code.

Should i be mad or delighted? I have no idea.

You get a different type of motivation to work when you know you are going to watch an epic movie after.
Any Baahubali lovers here?

Designer: The web design muset be beautiful, clean and follow modern trends.
Me: Actualy no, design should be just functional part of website. There is no need to be beautiful, clean and has nothing to do with modern graphic trends. Sad truth is almost nobody, besides css galleries, cares.
Designer:

Best part of being a dev? Converting coffee into code. ☕

Worst part? Dealing with others' shitty code everyday.

1) No, i don't want subscribe your newsletter.
2) Thanks, i know about cookie law. Thanks again.
3) Don't worry, i don't need your help now.
4) You are very kind, but i don't want new subscription.
5) Sorry, i don't have a time for your survey right now.
.
.
.
One of that fucking modal windows should contain fucking phone number i fucking need. Web WhoTheFuckingCareVersion.

Do you prefer:

$order->getShippingAddressCountry();

or

$order->getShippingCountry();

Fuck me, being a perfectionist slows me down.

Beign stuck on: Save that shit as address_shipping_country or shipping_country is purely stupid, i know.

1) Read the ticket.
2) Create a branch with ticket number in name.
3) Move ticket to Working now section.
4) Make some changes according to the ticket.
5) Commit changes to branch. Than pull it.
6) Create pull request and submit it.
7) Move ticket into In review section.
8) Move to another ticket.

Tickets:
#7 - Change background size in product item.
#8 - Add icon to info flash message.
#9 - Add adaptiveHeight parameter to the slick slider.

Done, now another 30 tickets...
Yep, this is my workflow i'm forced to now.

Me: So, let me clear this out. On ship course detail page is main header fixed to the top. Phone number fixed to the left side and subnavigation fixed under the main header when it reaches the top. From start it is fixed to the bottom.
Designer: Yes.
Me: Client also want chat icon on right bottom corner and usual cookie bar on the bottom. Both elements has fixed position.
Designer: Is this problem?
Me: Do YOU think this is problem?

Hm, is **website** progressive enhancement still a thing?

Please be welcome into slaughter discussion. I just read some articles today and i'm realy curious what your thoughts are.

How to force a docker container to take the MAC address of host machine? I know net=host and mac-address arguments can be used. But is there a way to get actual host MAC address even though mac-address argument is passed with some other value?

My usecase is node locked licensing using FlexLM which creates license on the basis of MAC address of node.

*le me sleeping/nap*
> Employer : Hey Dexter, check all our projects, I'm visiting new client..
> Me : okay sure, but what's the acceptance criteria?
> Employer : Yes
> Me : *sleeps again*

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

!rant

Does devRant ship stickers to India? How much time does it take for the delivery?

Stop fucking argue with awwwards you shithead. I have no time argue back to your tiny designer brain.

Aah, finally.

I thinking about new PC with around 1500 USD budget.

1) I don't play new games, so there si no need for more powerfull PC.
2) I'm mainly coder, PHP developer and sometimes graphic designer, so there is no need for more powerfull PC.
3) PC is also used as multimedia centrum, so there is no need for more powerfull PC.

Sometimes i have wierd thoughs.

My disciple: Hi, i want to learn JS, can you provide me some good resource?
I: I'm not absolute-expert on JS, but i can provide you something you can study.
My disciple: What is it?
I: alert(9999999999999999);

Let me know when you figure it out, i'll give you another resource.

---

This will take a looong time.

Sure, skip this add. Just like you...
.
.
.
As you wish and i want.

Dexter: Control your .dex demons

Damn, why you don't want integrate twig in your framework? Why you using latte?

{% if blah %}
<div>{{blah}}</div>
{% endif %}

<div n:ifcontent>{$blah}</div>

Fuck TWIG. Give me break already you TWIG suckboy.

---

Sorry guys, i just want to send this to some ass publicly.

I have Airtel Wifi and Reliance SIM. Will my phone be able to connect to wifi?

Ok wait..this is the last bug.

Assumption. Screens are wider and wider, bigger and bigger.
Solution 1: Make more one-page layout sites like there is no space on sides.
Solution 2 support solution 1: Make everything 2-3 times bigger so there can't be space on sides.
Solution 3 support solution 2: If there is some free space, call it neccessary white space.

It's a trend i see around me. Sometimes i don't get it. More than 1 year i have no side menu in designes what i coded.

Ehm, ok, i'll code this new event calendar concept, but do you realy think it's cool as you think?
.
.
.
At least i can take it as a practice and than throw it to the trash as always.

I: You know WordPress suck.
He: No it doesn't!
I: So why i wrote Leximo framework to separate me from the WordPress shit?
He: Because you don't know ho to use it.
I: Google: list of WP frameworks
.
.
.
Discussion ended. Nobody knows how to use WP i gues. I feel hated. WP community hates me because u wrote another framework, Nette and Latte community hates me because i use them for shit like WordPress.

When you go after a 2 day leave and take an update and spend half of your day merging YOUR module properly. I wonder why its MY module anymore. :-/

When grafic designer design a list of products where on top of the page is header with title, category description, big fucking image, big fucking category navigation and on second screen list of the products.

Just why? Why put the important stuff (products) on second screen? Just why? You have three asses of space, you fucker. You can put category list on fucking SIDE. How many time you did this shit?

What about multilevel categories when menu just show current category children? I need to go fucking back or what? FUCK YOU! Stick this stupid boxes into your ass and design real navigation.

What is so fucking great to having big ass monitors and design more and more one column websites, just why you fucking retard?

There are many issues with designers. Let's skip hamburger fuckups, navigations on bottom or other stuff. What pisses me of most are tables. Simple tables. As many times as i remember i told them: plaease, design this table with full borders around cells. Your design will make problems with rowspans a cellspans. Why you keep doing that? This is not like tables list in your fucking IS, where you tracking your shitty designers tasks.

How to talk with them? Blow their dicks off before discussion so they feel happy?

But you know, i'm just coder... I have no main word on design things.

Just wasted 3hrs trying to figure why a TabContainer is taking 0px height and 0px width. Solution- override resize() and don't do anything in it. Hatred towards DOJO to a new height.

So i wrote complex, great WP framework using parts of nette, latte template engin, shit tons of my code, has many usefull features. Is fast, puting barier between me and WP shit. You have no idea how fast my development is now.

Now, i writing eshop component, looking good, working great, is extendable, fast and so.

Reason 1: WP is piece of shit, woocommerce too, CMB has no fucking sense, fuck ACF and many other WP tools.
Reason 2: I'm too lazy to read.

Question: I spent months of coding, looking for ideas, and make tenths implemenations because:

1: WP is piece of shit, woocommerce too, CMB has no fucking sense, fuck ACF and many other WP tools.
2: I'm too lazy to read.

Please decide, i honestly don't know.

Devs on code freeze day.

Oh my got, where i have my puzzle shit to put this web together?

I: Sure i can code this event calendar. We have two options. Adjust design and use plugin like fullcalendar. I can adjust the look pretty fast and cheap. Second option is code this from scratch. It will look and act exactly the same as design but will be bit expensive. You know, whole javascript, CSS, HTML and so. Basicaly like entire new calendar plugin or so.

He: Client already saw the design and we do not have high budget.

I: Ok, no problem, let's use fullcalendar.

He: Designer promised to him to be exactly like design.

I: Without asking developer for solution in available price range and time frame?

He: Hm...

I: Good luck.

---

It's just funny.

Tonight’s the night jk
—Dexter

When you think a quick restart will fix your problems.
#15minutesAndWaiting

Devrant avatar builder is cool, like geek tool for geeks with no real value. They are all the same and not helping with personalization of posts or comments. Is there any chance to upload real image?
Or will be?

Haha, kill me.

When your apprentice keeps offering to write regex when all you need is a simple trim(), you know he's outgrown you.

Can you, dear fuckers, write meaningful subjects of e-mails? Bug in order process on XXX project instead of: Something wierd happened... Programing posts statistics instead of: You will not like this one. GA code insertion instead of: Here is the thingy. Saturday visit instead of Here we go sweety.

Seriously, fuck you.

I just animating third type of button. Now i have.

.link.type-button - standard button with default, primary and destruct color, small, default and large size, animation on it's back, selectable icon.

.link.type-roll - wierd type of button, with only icon visible and text on hover with some wierd shit animation, selectable icon ofcourse. Various sizes and colors as well.

.link.type-more - More or less static link with right arrow and ofcourse animation on hover.

So one site has three types of buttons with various properties.

And thinking about how overengeneered JS world is.
Fuck you JS world.

Can we zip some unicode files using Windows 'Send To'? I have been unsuccessful in doing it. Any thoughts?

P.S- Don't want to use any third party software.

When devs get creative.

It was actualy funny when normal wordpress developer look into my Login page template and see what is in attachment.

He: Where the fuck is template?

When you need to reactivate your Twitter dev account, get surprised by amount of the shit you need to write and simply refuse it. Fuck this. At least i can focus on more fun tasks than social networks implementations.