On a break I went into a Best Buy to browse laptops. I had no intention on buying from them because they suck, but I just wanted to touch a few and look at specs. A salesman then thought it was a smart idea to approach me. Immediately, he was talking down to me about specs and asking if I needed it for email, Facebook, Instagram, and the like. I'll be honest, I am super girlie in my appearance and mannerisms. So I get it, I suppose. The big pseudo-nerd is going to help the little girl find a cute, social media laptop. He actually walked me over to a pink HP Stream lol. Sure, I like pink, but I don't want a useless paperweight of a machine. When I mentioned I need a new rig for coding, he actually chuckled and said "really?". So I replied "yes really, you presumptuous cockbag" and walked out. Needless to say, I won't be buying there.

If that rant reaches 666 ++'s, I'm gonna cut a client's dick and sacrifice it to our Lord and Savior Satan.

I hope that was a typo.

Me: "Hey, I see you've started your class name with a lowercase letter, It's common practice to start it with a capital letter"

Co-worker that started two weeks ago with almost no experience in c++: "Oh, right. You women and your rules, you must know it then"

Me: *Awkward laugh* *Thinking as long as he changes it i'll let that one slip* *Sends him coding standard guide just in case he doesn't believe me*

-- Two days later --

He still didn't fucking change it. It pains my eyes to look at it each time he asks me for help. Oh and stop calling me "miss", I have a name.

Whenever i see "Create an app without coding" advertisement on facebook, first thing that come in mind is "Fuck a girl without a dick"

Best prank I did to a office must be that one I did when I was 7 years old:

> Sat at a schoolcomputer and explored stuff
> Found alot of network printers
> Found one called "city hall front desk"
> Created a word-document with the biggest font possible
> Wrote "Dick"
> 2000 pages of the word "dick"
> Print 2000 copies

> Did the same to a kindergarten and a "rival school"
> Never got caught because I used my teachers novell account ( the password was his name)

I miss novell

"Documentation is like sex; when it's good, it's very, very good, and when it's bad, it's better than nothing." - Dick Brandon

Sarcasm, because people around the office don't think I'm enough of a dick

When your delivery manager is the stupidest fuckin manager ever born :/

"If you have android code ready then why can't you create iPhone build unh - since A=B, B=C so 'C' SHOULD EQUAL TO 'A' right - so use android code and create iPhone build TOMORROW - don't change the code just create a build in 2 hours and then work on xyz project for other 6 hours since its in HIGH priority"

WHAT THE FUCKIN FUCK..
MY DICK = YOUR FACE MOTHERFUCKER :///

So I didn't know why I kept seeing rubber ducks on devRant. Apparently, I'm not very good at typing today, either.

The result? I now have to explain why I Googled "rubber dick debugging" at work.

That awkward moment when you tell your gf you want a rubber duck for your birthday present but you mistyped it.

Gf: "Sweetie, what gift do you want for your birthday?"
Me: "a rubber dick would be fantastic! it'll help me debug things"
Gf: "Ok... if you say so..."

Just started to dive in to C. Lots of fun. This is my first creation. I'll have some friends to test it for me... >:)

Dev: If you force this to be done in this timeframe it will fail in a month.
Manager: Do it anyway.

A month later:
@@FAILS@@

Manager: Why didn't you tell me this would happen??

FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Just thought I'd post this dick pic...

Advising a person about a code that he has created and you don't know shit about. In dev culture it is considered a dick move.😑

This mother fucker right here.

Today I was asked as a favor by one of our vendors to assist one of their other customers with an API integration issue. We work very closely with this vendor and help beta their products etc.

I'm helping as a favor. And this guy could not be more of a dick. Constantly throwing his 20ys of experience at me and saying the API is broken. A good portion of my job is API integration so I've seen 30+ platforms all done differently and this one in question is by far the simplest.

Where does this chodemuffin get off being a dick to me? You know what buddy. Eat a dick. Figure it out yourself.

My main working laptop has delete button at the top right corner of keyboard just like the normal rest of keyboards on this planet. But some people think it is boring to be doing thing in consistent manner. And so they made this.

Result is 4 times involuntarily went into sleep mode. Gazillion times I swear I can tear the dick out of that genius who came up with this idea and swirl his brain around using said dick. If it was a girl, I'm gonna shove a durain up her vajayjay.

Oh BTW, both laptops brand is ASUS.

Ok so I've noticed we have a small setup "pissin contest" so my di... I mean setup is that big ;)

Guess who's birthday it is! It's my birthday and that are my birthday gifts my GF gave me 😍🤩
Also starring Dick-butt Debug-duck!
I feel blessed. 😁

That late coffee was a mistake... (For the millionth time)

Now I have to sit in bed for 2 hours contemplating my life choices...
Spoiler: not good!

Drop ur file here to convert it to another file type

10 mins later after conversion

99%

"Sorry but u can't convert ur file cause u got an adblocker enabled pls disable it and try again"

Have u guys ever whipped ur dick out and smacked the monitor with ur dick with hope that ur dick smack will transmit the smack into the website across their face

FUCK THIS! FUUUUCKKKKKK THIIIS!... one would be fucking excited and motivated to finish work, but your entire fucking productivity is hanging from the internet connection's dick!!!!.. Fuckin ISP mother fucker! FUCK!... i can't fuckin work under these conditions for fuck's sake! SHIT!

It wasn't enough that the iPhone X's notch was making developers' lives hell; now each Android phone is trying to have its own style of notch. Eat a dick device makers.

Hello! I am Johnny Knoxville and tonight on Jackass...we test in prod with no back out plan in place...and then I will glue Bam's hand to his dick while he's sleeping.

When I know a website runs Hotjar or some other screen recording/mouse tracking tools I draw at least one dick per visit.

I swear to god Dick Davis is the coolest wannabe and biggest threat here..

PS - This is a figure from one of my textbooks

!Rant

Anyone else feel the need for 5 more seasons of IT Crowd?

IT'S FUCKING HEEEEEEEEEEERE

Fingerprint sensor is insecure

-gf can open your phone when you are asleep
-same with chloroform, unconscious, then use fingers
-can cut your fingers if it leads to that.

Fine I agree....but how secure is the face ID ??

-all of the same points can be applied to it.

I love it when companies expect you to care about their vision and act like the work is 100x more important than it is.

Oh yes and of course no overtime pay or decent salary that'd be too much!

😒😫🤯

Ya go ahead. Touch my screen. The next thing I would do is get that same fingerprint from my screen, unlock your phone and fucking factory reset it. Or worse, message all the girls in your contact that you have a tiny dick. Go ahead. I dare you to touch my screen.

My friend called me and told me "My I.T teacher said I.E is the safest browser.". I began sighing then he continued on "He said Firefox, the Chromium project and other open source browsers are all unsafe. Because Open Source = More Vulnerabilities".

I only replied with this sentence.
"tell your teacher to eat a dick."

My boss says "cocker" once (referring to docker) a teammate and I make a meme of that, allways we have to talk about docker we say "dicker" or when we have to talk about git we say "dick" like "dick commit, dick pull, dick push".

People on stackoverflow are really just the worst. Ok whatever, you have 20 years of experience more than me, and you've written code in dozens of languages. Doesn't grant you being a dick to me and downvote my answer just because it could've been written in 1 line instead of 5.

while (person.isEmployedAsDev())
rant();

To all you people who finish the coffee in the kitchen and walk away, you are dicks and we know who you are. Use this to stop being a dick...

My friend left their macbook unlocked, so we parsed the entire story of Moby Dick into the text to speech and left it in the background on full volume. Never seen such a confused face in my life.

*dad's w10 computer running super slow*

*checks task manager*

100% disk usage

*checks whatever-the-advanced-system-monitor-is-called*

*Compattelrunner.exe is at the top of the list in disk usage*

*searches online to find what the hell that is*

"Compattelrunner.exe collects program telemetry information if opted in to the Microsoft EatASackOfDicks Customer Experience Fuckup"

Telemetry is supposed to be disabled on this computer.

What the fuck Microsoft, if you want to straight out lie to my face as a customer at least try to not be so obvious that you basically lock down my computer with your telemetry shit.

When your Team Leader tells you that he will put his dick in the client's mouth if the client requests for more new features..

So professional :|

So today, i taught my professor something, and he was genuinely curious. I also told him about my part time job building websites. He is a really cool guy and wasn't a dick about a student knowing something more than himself. There should be more professors like him.
What a wonderful world we live in!

So... My boss gave me a job with this client. He was so sure about all of his ideas, throwing them around, left right and centre, his product is "game changing". So we have a Skype call with the client. He appears to have his shit together. So we ask for a document of his ideas(as any developer would) and he physically cannot do it. We ask again, he still doesn't deliver. Me and my boss, sit down and try to think of everything in we discussed with him in the call and try to do the document for him. He clarifies that, that is what he wants. So we start developing.... 3 weeks down the line, everything is wrong. Completely wrong (this project should have taken a week or two tops). So I threaten the client basically. That I'm going to dedicate a week to his project and no more, or he would have to wait until Jan/Feb for it to be complete, so I wanted all the correct details.(At this time, we're very close to our own software being finished and released, and then we put it on hold for this fucking baboon). 

Its now been a week, the project is complete, now it just needs to be deployed. 

I wasted 3 weeks on a project, that was deleted, because the client could not be physically arsed to write a document, thats going to support his business, therefore his income. It REALLY fucking frustrates me. Alongside that(I'm not going to say why) but the project was for free!! The client didnt pay, and I didn't get extra pay... Moral of the story, get your shit together if you want something made. I could have made this project 4 times in the time i had already spent. I could have spent a week developing, and 3 weeks going crazy with more updates, anything, other than wasting 3 weeks of my god damn time. 

Say... Client centric... One... More... Time...

Why can't there be an employee centric company??

Fuck it. Fuck my fear of math. Fuck it. Tomorrow I'm gonna stick my dick in OpenGL again.

I have 30 years of experience, don't be a dick!

Do I have to adult today?

New Rick and Morty in 25 days mother fuckaaaaaaaa!!!!

😎😎😎😎😎

Tumblr looks like a burning ruins right now.

They won’t actually delete porn, but they won’t allow to post porn since today either. So, petabytes of porn are here, untouched.

They haven’t defeated porn on tumblr, but they got rid of almost all of the creators who’d driven their crappy website, they’re gone to reddit and Twitter. So, that’s what I call “defeat”.

It’s funny how they posted a gif containing what they consider a permitted content and their own bot flagged it just minutes after

!Rant
You know one of the things I love about this community is?
We have such a diverse group of people and even when those who don't speak English natively, they try to on the app as much as possible keeping it consistent. Even when they make some mistakes, no one's a dick about it (from what I've seen), which is awesome!

And once again:
18:00: *writing a Mandelbrot algo in glsl for the GPU*
19:00: "This should be working now..."
22:00: "why isn't it working??!"
22:30: "Oh my uniform vectors become zero when they arrive on the GPU"
01:00: "Oh. I uploaded them as matrices..."

I wasted about 4 fucking hours because I suck dick.

Maybe if Forbes and Business insider would show something like this, they'll get more revenue.

Me : *wants to refactor a variable*

Visual Studio : Ok! Type the new name of the variable

Me : *backspace one time to remove a char*

VS : *erases ALL the name of the variable and ALL the usages of the variable, and no possibility to undo*

Me : ..... that was a dick move you know.

If you're an aspiring web dev, get comfortable using the command line.

Amazing how many new starters can't restart a service or tail an error log.

I'm not saying it to be a dick, it's just 101 stuff that'll save you loads of time.

Best advice for dev job hunting is work on your soft skills. Don't be a fucking hero, prove your teamwork ability.

Remember all the rules of all religions and social communities can be summed up in one line: "Don't be a dick!"

If i have to repair one more lenovo laptop, imma pull up to their hq and punch all them in the dick.

So... My company just shut down and we were all fired!

Any good place for a vacation? :D

I brushed my teeth and went to bed at 10, opened up youtube and just chilled out,
boss calls me up at 11 I'm like, nah fam tomorrow...
Calls again and again and again, calling for the 6 time on 2 numbers!?
(M8 can't u see I'm out)
Then he texts me, bro, it's urgent!
I decide to call him up.
Boss: hey dude
Me: hey (trying to not get triggered)
Me: so what's so urgent?
Boss: OK so 2 things, I will email all of our job applicants on August 28, 2: are you available tomorrow?
Me: ( LITERALLY GOT TRIGGERED AS FUCK, THOUGHT WE HAD A DICK PICTURE ON OUR SITE OR HOSTINGER DECIDED TO BILL 2 TIMES)
ME: 👏Dude, this is so urgent? R u kidding me???? Am I available tomorrow and you will email are job applicants on August 28????

Ffs I swear

Boss: We are going live tomorrow, are you ready?
Me: (Goosebumps and dry mouth) Sorry can you repeat that
Boss: Oh sorry not you, it's Sam whose app going live tomorrow
Me: (Inner me) Motherfucker. You dry dick piece of shit

Today was my first day at work after Easter break...

It's 22:00 and my head is buried in my pillow filled by random thoughts of violence, rm -rf / schemes and questions about where my life is going!

So... Anyone wanna open a coffee shop?
Or something involving waffles...
Mmmmmmmm waffles

When the client rings up saying the website is down. I say can you see any other sites. They say, no, nothing is coming up. It's your internet connection, kindly fuck off!

Friday deployments:

"I'm one with the force and the force is with me"

No one is safe when I hit a wall... Not even my best friends.

Skipped my lectures at university just to get my new Dell laptop at home.

Here is my experience of dell account portal:

There is a 50-50 chance that your order will appear in the list of orders. It has it's own mind, sometimes it will appear, sometimes it will say it has found no orders.

Now if somehow you do see the order in the list, there is a 50-50 chance that clicking on the order number will actually show you the correct order. Most of the time it will take you to a completely different order, where you can see the name, address and other personal details of a person that you don't know. THANKS DELL!

Now if somehow clicking on the order number takes you to the right order details page, there is a 50-50 chance that there will be no courier information, it will be blank without any information. Sometimes it will show the tracking number, but no courier details.

Right, now let's say that I don't give a fuck about any of these. I stayed home, skipping my lecture, just so that I can get my laptop. They promised me that they will deliver it today and I trust them 🙂

BUT YOU MOTHERFUCKER, not only that they will not deliver it today, they haven't even bothered to give me a call and say that they won't be delivering it today. YOU PIECE OF HORSESHIT, I skipped my fucking lectures for you. Now I have to skip my lectures for another day, just to get my GODDAMN laptop.

FUCK YOU DELL, DIE IN HELL!

I FUCKING HATE SAFARI. SUCK A DICK APPLE

Boss asked me to work the weekend today...

Told him I have to buy some shoes and do work around the house so I can't.

In reality I'll be doing a personal project and prettying up my CV ofcourse!

🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕

P.S. this is for a project he has had me rewrite 3 times so far.

"Its not cloud, its just some one elses computer.."

Holy shit Sherlock dont you say. And did you know that you arent lets say Tom, but just some other human. Or you know what? Did you know that its not a diamonds your are browsing, but just a fucking pile of Carbon?

Goddamn that has to be the most annoying quote IT industry has ever made and everytime I hear someone say that, I just feel like they are shitting in their mouths.

Its just a name, common word for fucks sake, just like there are macs, which are just computers, believe it or not..
Just get over it please...

PS. If I ever hear you telling that quote to random person looking like messiah, I swear I will beat your head untill it comes out of your ass.

Have a blessed day.

So.... We spend most our lives learning languages and methodologies and best practices and all that crap while depriving ourselves of sleep because the rules said if we did that we'd make something cool and have fun doing it...

But then *any company here* comes along and says make this shitty feature in *arbitrary time here* for our stupid *product here*.
You do it working overtime and sacrificing quality to have the client say afterwards that he wants something different (from his own specs).

And then the circle repeats...

I should consider a different profession...
Hey plants don't speak... Maybe I'll be a gardener!
Clip here clip there - done. I'll be a happy fucking script

!rant

I'm building a complex software that computes stuff with advanced algorithms and linear programming. That kind of software that proved itself strong, but you know a bug discovery would be a disaster.

The client is a dick, always acting as a bully in every email.

Last email, writes me about a supposed error of the software, while of course complaining that the software is complete crap to ensure that I keep a positive attitude.

After some hours of trying to find the cause of the fucking problem, I realized that the software was actually right since the beginning.

I've replied explaining *why* the software says what it says (acting like it was the most obvious thing in the world). Waiting for a response.

I hope that moron will feel humiliated at least a little bit.

Behold! Be amazed by my new debugging buddy!
(it is so squishy)

Oh wait, this is my code!
You're a dick past me!!

If you are one of those developers that always complains that you would do it better, complains after decisions are taken, complains for missing features and refuses to actually do something about it...

You are a dick.

Karma Story

2 motherfuckers that were absolute shit as managers applied for a position for the web tech manager at my institution. I was the one that Xed both their applications.

Now, I didn't do it out of pettiness, I did it because both of these assholes lied about their positions, responsibilities and knowledge.
One of them washed his hands on a project stating that he had no knowledge of web development, but stated on his resume that he was working as a web dev at the time(in node and asp.net) as well as angular frontends <--- fking bullshit

The other stated that he has been coding all his life. Yeah shitbag, that is why you were selling phones at a company and when i mentioned to you that i studied comp sci you said that it sounds interesting but you had no idea what development is or how computers even work.

There were many. Might say fuck it and just take the position for myself. Shit got funny af and it is amazing how being a shit person and a liar will get back to you and bite you in the ass.

Fuck them

"All it needs to do is keep my fucking beer cold"

So many companies could learn from Gilfoyle!!

Fuck it.
Getting high on caffeine tonight and catching up on personal projects.

Guys....
He's almost here.....
I can't believe it!

PICKLE RIIIICKKK MOTHER FUCKER!!!!

Rant!!

Fuuuuuuuuuuccccccckk this new dev hired is such a dick he keeps on not testing his own code for simple things and expects everyone else to test it on local and tell him his bugs.

I have this amazing idea, said John
I ask John about this amazing idea.

John goes on to say that it will change the world and solve world hunger.

I ask him again, what's your idea?
John says my idea is to 'solve world hunger'! AMAZING RIGHT?

now now John, so you're gonna do it like (provide a few solutions)..
John says yeah that was exactly what my idea was (ah. Fuck you)

So John now is under the delusion that he can solve world hunger and the steps to do it came from his own ostrich-brained imagination...

Tiny fuck doesn't even realize the fact that he plagiarized.

Now we look into the future where I ask John honestly that he should come up with his own idea to solve world hunger and not use mine.

JOHN GETS ANGRY
John asks 'do you actually think that was your idea? We were brainstorming man, I told you we had to solve world hunger and only because of my voice did I spark that idea in you, I created that idea man'

So, well since he's plagiarized so much I told him that I had this plan to perform a hunger strike in the grand Canyon to get some attention..

Fidgety little bitch found another idea to steal and he was like good idea!! I'm booking my flight to the Grand Canyon now!

What bout me I ask? He says man take some rest let me face the pressure (and the glory apparently)

Well, John did not return.
Poor stupid John did not realize that I had been joking and got his little ass fired under the direct sun in the grand canyon

Moral of the story :
I WILL DESTROY YOUR HOMES AND YOUR LIVES PLAGIARISTS, I WILL EXTERMINATE YOU *cough**cough*
Damn that Sulphur hexafluoride actually worked!

No clients.
No managers.
No bosses (other than in-game!).
No deadlines.

I have decided. I don't wanna adult anymore. LET ME OUT!!!

#sign_out
#rage_quit

“You only make that face when your dick is on fire," – Silicon Valley S04E10

I need to try something specifically on ms excel

I do not have license on my excel

I try to get a license

I found it free for 1 month trial

I have to input credit/debit card

I input my debit card

I got an activated excel

I am finished with my experiment within the hour

I got an email saying "Hi, thank you for subscribing, we have charged your card..." from microsoft shortly after

I saw my debit balance decrease

I have never felt so betrayed before

On the twelfth day of Christmas
programming gave to me:
Twelve bugs in public branch
Eleven errors to fix
Ten freaking warnings
Nine Windows Updates
Eight blue screens of deaths
Seven minutes of compiling
Six servers down
Five Android Studio crashes
Four angry stackoverflow devs
Three kernel panics
Two burned graphics cards
and a one broken-dick piece of shit JavaScript framework

Interviewed at a pseudo-startup (not quite a startup, but later realized run and organized like one) where the VP of dev ops seemed eager to have me in. I sent him my code sample and he said he'd schedule an onsite. Weeks went by without a peep.

Being persistent, I kept emailing, figuring the environment still might be worth the apparent lack of interest... Eventually the dude told me he'd been away on "travel" and he didn't check his mail. He said come on by if I was still interested...

I went in and met with a couple people on the team, interviewed (I think) well and he said he'd be in touch. Another two weeks -- nothing. I emailed again, he said they hadn't reached a decision. By this time, I'd pretty much written it off. I never heard anything back. No good, no bad.

Moral of the story, don't waste your time on anyone who doesn't respect it enough to give you theirs.

I'm kind of disgruntled that I've only worked with one ninja level developer in my career (small market) and he was an insane dick. Despite my hatred, I treated him kindly and respected him. I wanted to learn from him but he didn't want to teach.

Ninja devs, don't be that guy.

I hate my job I hate my job I hate my job I hate my job I hate my job I hate my job I hate my job I hate my job I hate my job I hate my job I hate my job I hate my job I hate my job I hate my job I hate my job I hate my job I hate my job I hate my job I hate my job I hate my job I hate my job I hate my job I hate my job I hate my job

If i have 3d printer i will print this

Apple realeased measure, an app where you can measure real object using AR.

So that measuring your dick will now be easier than ever.

Microsoft sent me this on Friday... So i keep reading people complaining about the update and visual studio sucking dick... Me? Ahhaha I don't give a Shiiiiii-et!!! Bring me moar swaaagggggg!!! Hahaha whoooo

One day I will come across a bug that makes sense.

Today is not that fucking day.

I cant get use to working on macbook pro 13" screens my dick is bigger than that monitor size

The weekend is here!!!
Time to go out and have fun!!!

Nah just joking. Time to write some quality code after cleaning our company's backend (pun definitely intended) all week!

Why in the name of sweet baby Lucifer would you program your simple Linux script with NodeJS?! All I wanted is a freaking Rofi script, why the fuck should I install a huge ass node package for that shit that probably has a size bigger than your IQ? Go fuck yourself. Take your Node package and shove it up your dick hole.

my passphrase was "dick"

I'm sick and tired of apps sucking Apple's dick and making their apps the best thing ever for iOS but it being total shit for Android. Go fuck yourself cuntbags.

Angry email response from rejected interviewee
"Y'all are bogus bullshit company get the <frenchterm > out of Nevada Y'll Yankees oh and suck a dick "

Too everyone who said Europe is DOOMED too due too the recent Lisa of Net Neutrallity,
GO SUCK A BIG FUCKING DICK! AND AFTER THAT GET A ROPE AND FUCKING KILL YOURSELF! AMERICANS FUCKED UP!
AND YOU ALSO CAN GET A COCKFUCKED VPN IF YOUR NOT STUPID ENOUGH!

Client: We need to deploy some Windows 2003 servers.

Us: Sure thing, Mr. Client. Your money is more important than the security and stability of our systems.

What we should have said: Sure, but you need to stop in our office, put your dick in a vice and we'll take turns cranking that bitch closed until you agree to use something more modern.

!rant

Stupid customer insists that the website must have the *same fucking UI* even when seen on mobile.
Where the fuck are your eyes, don't you see that a big complex table just doesn't fit the fucking screen of your crappy phone??? Of course it needs to be layed out differently.

I don't know if I should politely reply "no", or just don't give a fuck, deploy it, and then let him realize how much he is stupid.

Some people should get their heads out of their asses to actually see that their fucking bad mood wont lighten up by randomly throwing insults around and generally being a dick.

1. Make a plan
2. Execute the plan
3. Expect the plan to go horribly wrong
4. Improvise

Truest words to come out of the DC (or any) universe!!!

Rapid firing some mini rants.

Fuck people that go on vacation and post 100 pictures of it. Chill out fam. I can guarantee you that 95% of your followers don't give a shit. Keep the posts minimal; 3-5 is ideal with 5-7 being acceptable.

People that post shit like r/whooosh in the comments on posts can suck a dick. That's not necessary asshats.

Why the fuck do the Android versions of every major app suck ass? Like c'mon man. It's the most widely used mobile OS. Take Apple's dick out your ass and fix this garbage. (I get that supporting the cheap ass devices that never get OS updates is one thing, but ffs im using a Pixel. Get your shit together.)

This TED talk was brought to you by Stuxnet. Thanks for coming.

My worst Technology I've worked with is deffinatly the Facebook Graph API.

THIS AIDS INVESTED PIECE OF CUNTFLAPS IS FULL OF BUGS THAT THEY REFUSE TO SOLVE.

How such a multi-billion dollar business can produce such a retardedly incestious sucky fuck dick ass cunt broken API is beyond me.

FUCK!!!

I hate the old people in my company. FUCK THEM!

First I'm telling you a bit about me, so my story makes sense. I'm currently employed as IT-Tecnician in a Helpdesk as 1st & 2nd Level Supporter. I'm working for the current company since 2 years and already sweat too much Blood and Tears for the Old farts.

Now to the Story:
I'm currently planing to make a three year study as IT-Business Engineer, because I was orginally a Real Estate and Account Manager. That is the highest schoolar degree I can currently get in IT with my background. After that I would get the pass for BSc or CAS.

Two years ago when I took the Job I told them, that I would like to start my study in the next two years. Back then they agreed and told me, they will support me.

After that I got a very good reputation in the company and also took part in projects, coded plugins and evaluated requierments for programms. I got still payd with a low Supporter income for my work.

In february this year I told them I want to start my study in May. They boss told me I should do a way lower degree for two years and go into infastructur segment. I told him that my wished degree would be higher and also include infrastructur. Boss told me, that I will need to prostpone my study a third time to autumn.

The reality is, that they want to underpay me as supporter and keep me without a degree. I should keep working on projects, which a high degree tecnician does and gets better payd. In everyway thats unfair and just a hit into my gut. They try to ruin my career and keep me cheap.

The joke is, the boss is over 50 years old and is egostic as fuck. He just wants to profit from my knowledge and wont pay me for it.

I already got the knowledge and just need to have a higher IT degree, so I get payd a fair sum for my work.

My only option is to quit the company or stay as a lowly supporter.

Even my other coworkers asked me, why I'm still a supporter with my knowledge. When I told them my story, they all shugg there heads and told me, I should get the degree.

Pretty fucking sure it’s Monday... Critical Server KO’ed during hours... Going to be a long day....

Sucks not having the funds to implement preventative maintenance and redundancy... Thank god for fucking backups.

To the Level C’s in our company.... take this as a wake up call you incompetent, undereducated, no dick-having-ass’, spitfucks!

Fuck that shit once again. Spent an entire day releasing micro-patches because nobody listened to me, because "I am a developer but I don't do that full time".
Because you might think that I didn't fuck my ass with a giant bottle-shaped dildo studying development to get this fucking place maybe?
And what, I was right, once again. Because maybe I know the fucking project I work in, linked to the fucking product I'm certified for, you dumb cumfilled assface.

For those that doesn't know it, i do manage, maintain, develop stuff on our ECM infrastructure for our clients. I do basically everything as we have few clients and are a small company we can do this that way.

Anyway, had to release "urgently" 3 fucking features to a custom module to export stuff from the ECM to a client's ERP system. Tests? No time for this, don't lose time on this. I smell the "why didn't you test?" in two days. I fucking smell it.

Plus, the client is a fucking retarded mess. The kind of guy that is unable to check his previous e-mails and asks again the same thing, four times. Should I do a fucking tutorial on how to fucking use a fucking search bar? And you want to be informed on the technical details about the features? Come on, I have to explain you how to do your fucking CFO job.

And if it wasn't enough, My boss replied to the client while I was on holiday to explicitely tell the client that I'm the only one that can take care of that. That gives us a very professional image, doesn't it? And when I asked to train someone to at least do the administration job when I'm away, it's always a "we'll check that, we need that" but then nothing.

Anyway fuck it. if I resign I will laugh. 2 months to train someone else and get them on the export modules (which are commented and documented) in a company where in the office I'm possibly the only developer (we have one in the second office but he's a web developer).

Hopefully I'm at a bar drinking a fucking beer while continuing my golang "getting started" project. That's the only thing that makes me happy of coming back from holiday

p.s.: I want the fucking raven, make me dream.

To the cunts who use single character aliases for their SQL queries table joins... Suck my throbbing dick till you choke on it and die....

That's all... back to work

Just spent 2 fucking hours debugging one of my websites scripts because apparently appendChild wasn't a function... Here I was thinking there was a function called getElementByClassName... Dick head me didn't realise I'm missing a single 's'... 2 hours over a single fucking s!

Fuck javascript man...

There's a guy who uses a small electric scooter to speed across the office. It's less than 30 meters to the other side of the office.

Guy is going to hurt someone at some point. I don't even know the guy but I can already tell he's a dick.

When your offshore co-worker pronounces your colleagues' names like this :|

Hardik - HARD DICK
Dipesh - DEEP ASS
Pinkesh - PINK ASS

"So DeepAss and PinkAss are handling Backend and Harddick is Frontend right"
Me: right 😁😁

Time for the self assessment for the year...

"Where do you see yourself in 3-5 years?"

Oh idk.... Maybe owner of a small coffee shop with no stress whatsoever...

Or I might fuck off to my own little mountain like Luke that'll be nice...

I can't be the only one wanting to be a boss just to be nice to employees? I mean there are just too many dick bosses out there.

Pffff...... Wanna make an app tomorrow...
Got no clue what to make....

Maybe something with big AI learning data machine. Yeah I think that hits all the right buzzwords :P

Any ideas you're willing to share?

!rant

Merry Christmas to you all!!!

I love you guys/girls :)

May we all solve a few of our problems in 2018 (whatever they may be).

I've been working for 12days straight to develop 6 different pages in an admin panel. The CTO decided to launch only 2 of them! Yesterday, I was late so he asked me to be more regular and produce results with a mixer of insults and profanity.

Dear CTOs, I know sometimes you guys just want to burst out but stop for a minute then try not to be an asshole. It has the complete opposite effect on an employee.

You being an dick will achieve only one thing, you being a dick.

GOD DAMNED DICK EATING, CODE SHITTING, COPY PASTE MONKEYS!! STOP RELEASING LIBRARIES IF YOU HAVE 0 COMMON SENSE.

WASTED 3 HOURS JUST BECAUSE YOUR PILE OF FUCKING NODE MODULES CHANGED ENVIROMENT VARIABLES, AT LEAST PREFIX YOUR DIRT CODE BEFORE SHOVELING IT INTO THE MOUTH OF OTHER DEVS AROUND THE GLOBE.

TL;DR
Fuck shitdevs.

Just woke up from a really weird dream about coding in PHP, watching Porn, some guy getting is dick cut off...

I wonder if all those things are somewhat related...

Radio Fucking One. Shit music and Dick heads talking about TV programmes involving the fake tanned brain dead chavs dating/talking about each other and this bollocks is contaminating our youth and should be stopped. Bastard shit bollocks.

Easter.
Greek style ;)

your brain is missing a ; somewhere...

your <body> so fat it's weight is 4096px

your dick is so small it's height:"1px"

Please use <br> or I don't understand you.

Long story short,

Fuck programmers who call them selves entrepreneurs (pronounced in French), I'm going to entre-preneur my dick in your fucking worthless calculator you piece of camel cum!!!

hey dickhead, you could, at least, test everything is working after you merged your branch.Now you have leaving the company, i'm the one in charge of cleaning up your shit.

Hope you will eat a dick every time one of your program fail 'cause of your lack of test

> be new in a big-ish company
> be working next to a senior dev, who's been working on The Project for 5 months now (15 yrs in company)
> be asked for halp
> senior dev didn't know how to use git push
GIT PUSH
> be Joe's terminally flaccid dick

So im @ a starbucks, mindin my own fucking business doing work shit when this bitch sit down at my table tryna get my dick like eat shit im working lmao

Heres a rant:

Ion fuckin care if people post memes, not even if they post it as rant. But when they TRANSCRIBE the fucking meme im really tempted to make like 10 accounts just to downvote that shit. Eat a dick you fat fucking whores.

Here you go, i fucking made this excel sheet by hand because the generated logfiles were not good enough for you and now i hope your dick falls off.

FUUUUUCK I just sent a dick pick to my boss...

Hmm..... Do I have time before work tomorrow to watch all 3 matrix movies?

Screw it who cares. Marathon time!!!

So....
I was asked to transfer a spaghetti Android/iOS project to xamarin for a bank client yesterday because "that's what they use".

This is a crm/loyalty app that has been around for 2+ years now (you can imagine the mess). On top of that I have no knowledge of c#, .net or xamarin.

So I ask: "When is this supposed to be delivered?"

Boss: "It was scheduled for 2 weeks ago but let's say 2 weeks from now"

Me: "..... This is a huge remake it won't be even close to ready in 2 weeks"

Boss: "Let's check on the progress in 2 weeks and see how it goes"

Why is it hard for bosses to provide an actual timeframe???

He's been pulling the same crap with junior devs for years and of course they get nervous and create more spaghetti code...

Anyway long story short (not) I have an interview Monday!

Let's hope it's not more of the same!

P.S.: to junior devs: When you are given a deadline... IGNORE IT.

Front-end web development in 2018 is a fucking dumpster fire. 4 month old blog post guides are out of date, hipster toolchain APIs change monthly, npm can't find a module that is literally right there in its entirety in the fucking node_modules directory. JavaScript is love. JavaScript is life.

No.

If I had a master’s in ANYTHING I wouldn’t be your “Entry Level Java Developer...”

what would you rather have?
10x engineer
10x dick

PHP + gettext + Windows
Get fucked you ginganormous cockfaced dick wiggle. Get the fucking fucked in your fucking fuck hole. Fucker.

!Rant

Fun fact:

The SENIOR backend developer at the company I used to (as of today) work has a degree in economics and business and his only experience has been a trainee position.

No more startups please.... Seriously.... Just.... Don't... No... 😰😰😰😵😵

Phonegap, when you are using the dev app: yeah nice seems to work fine

Phonegap, when you start the compiled app: welp time to run over my dick with a truck

Ppl that dick ride an artist after they die for the attention are some of the shittiest people.

I miss the old times when the only source of learning a tech stack was through reading its documentation. Fast forward to 2019 where every tom, dick and harry has done a nanodegree..

Past me is a dick.

I want a dragon with a big spiky dick just to fuck everyone who asks me to fix their internet in the ass.

I am not your fucking isp, neither am I working for them, nor do I have enough free time to fix your shit for free.

OH
MY
GAAWWWWWD

The funniest thing happened today. I was helping a teammate rebase his branch onto master. Since his root was a merged local branch with 3 commits already in master, but squashed, we had to do an interactive rebase. So we have 3 commits to drop, and one to pick. He was using vsCode on windows, so he got vi to edit the rebase. I told him to change the first three pick for the letter d (alias for drop). Since he was not too familiar with vi, he only changed the first letter. I was like : dick is not a valid command, it's just d. Then he removed it and did the same thing again! When he finally understood, we both died of laughter,and so my ghost is now writting this rant. In the bus. Laughing like a crazy person. 😎

I don’t know what this rant will look like, but hold tight because I’m pissed as fuck.

Why? Well, let’s start with the protagonist, which is me.

ARE YOU A NEW KIND OF IDIOT? 2 DAYS FOR A CABLE.

Let me explain this, I’ve picked up an old HP ProDesk 600G from work, works pretty well, installed 16Gb RAM, 3x 1TB Disks, let’s use it for some lab environment.

Wipe Windows, repartition this mess, install Kubuntu, went all ok, let’s reboot.
Login screen: fine, desktop: nothing. Two folders, command bar works. I try to open Konsole, nothing shows up. I try to go on tty2, nothing, tty3 something shows up.
Ok, maybe I’ve messed up something, let’s update, upgrade , fix missing and blablabla.
Fuck me, nothing works. Let’s go check the logs. Nothing.
What the fuck? Well it’s late let’s go to sleep. Next day I start over, reinstall Kubuntu, same problem.
Debug : nothing.

Then. THEN. I see this fucking cable. The fucking VGA. I was in DVI, what the fuck? Then I realised that I plugged in all sort of cables and plugged DVI AND VGA and DVI was set as second output. I was on FUCKING SECOND SCREEN THE WHOLE TIME. After unplugging naturally everything was normal again.

Fuck you self idiot. Fuck you.

Anyway, I’m also pissed of about my roommate. DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ANYTHING WITHOUT ASKING. Holy fucking shit, if you need to touch something, put your hand into your dirty pants and shake your immaculate dick.
I set up a fucking smart house not to fucking break everything. If a cable is there, leave it there. If I put an access point on a closet, leave it fucking there. Do you think I just want to wavebath to get a fucking tan? NO, I HAVE NI FUCKING COVERING IN MY ROOM.

If there’s a bulb in my lamp DO NOT FUCKING SWIPE IT. I spent 15 Minutes understanding why I couldn’t turn it on with my fucking phone.

FUCK YOU, and your mother that so badly designed your inorganic piece of cells that we call brain

Do you guys have a Mr. favorite (developer) at your company?

I've seen such a guy in at least two companies I worked for. He's always sucking the boss' dick and everyone favors his decisions above everyone else's decisions even though that's completely unfair and unhealthy.

Fucking Webpack. This article is already out of date.

Just read an article stating you shouldn't buy windows 10 home and should buy pro instead because of 'potential performance increase' due to some of its 'added performance technology'...

Do I need to say more?

tbh my high school curriculum revolves around the fact that my compsci class is run by code.org
i fucking hate those videos and drag and drop blocks to learn how to code
in 10years when im (hoping to be ) a software engineer, will the company have drag and drop? no. they will have keyboards and a screen. teach me how to fucking type code and not blocks please...
code.org has tainted this world just like how puberty tainted my dick recently...
teach me how to code, dont teach me how to drag and drop..

"Hello sir, do you have time to talk about...."

Shut the fuck up. Sit the fuck down. Name your stack. I know how to fucking work with it. If I did not select it it is because it was not the right choice. I did not spent 4 years teaching myself to code AND later on obtaining a B.S in Computer Science(another number of years) as well as obtaining industry grade experience for you to tell me what I should use.

The moment the product owner we were working with almost had a seizure.

Ps: Sadly, he's still alive and continues being a dick 😑

Make me do almost everything and then call me during my vacation to quiz me on why the shit I DIDN'T do is broken. All while complaining about me and my objections undercommitting the rest of the team (whose busted shit I'll be on the hook to fix) every sprint.

But remember guys we fail as a team :^)

Suck my dick you fucking pricks.

When you work for a company where the guy next to you leans back and falls of his chair smashing into a fan all over the shop you look for people to laugh and take the piss call him a dick and no one else bats a eyelid and just keeps coding, you know you life is over in this job!!!

Please and please, if you cannot take the time out to create new classes do not copy and paste another without editing it properly! I noticed you do a find and replace and then leave 50% of variable names un-edited because all errors are gone. I am begging you in the name of Zeus edit your shit!
Here is one dick head:

Oh so you have a merge conflict this weekend? The only time of the week I try not to think of ripping your nob off, tying a noose around your neck with it and drowning you in a well full of piranhas? Right, right...

How about you take that dick that you've been trying to locate since you were 5 and practice choking on it every day till you die just so you have enough experience to suck demon dongs in hell for eterniity! I seriously hope you die of cancer you fucking wankstain!

How about you go home and keep disappointing that whore of a wife of yours, you know that stinking pile of shit that you stick your dick in every two weeks?

Why are some seniors just so full of themselves? I mean... Yeah I know that they know more than me (junior) but common, you don't have to rub it in my face! Tho I'd rather have it that they rub it in my face than them explain it with the most difficult terms / hardest words they could find in the dictionary!!

I also don't need them to complain that I'm on a different platform than them (while they help me)

Me: Ok, lets jump back into my linux install

*Turns on PC and instantly boots into windows*

Me: Hm, that's odd, maybe I accidentally changed my boot order

*Opens BIOS and sees Windows SSD is first followed by Empty SSD...*

Me: *Cries in the corner realising I have just accidentally removed the Linux SSD and put it back in to try and install MacOS*

So....
I was just told why the company's code has no documentation...

Quote: "It enforces devs to write simpler/better code"

Oh and added bonus - the whole backend is PHP with a bunch of tweaked libraries.

Wondering why I haven't received deposit for new job yet. Check for signed quote and contract... Yep, both there. Look I account program to see when I sent invoice.....

I haven't sent it yet!
I'm a dick!

if i work on PussyBranch to build up a feature, and DickBranch is my main branch so if i merge directly from Pussy into Dick and then work on Dick, and then switch to Pussy again then surely i wouldnt be able to commit to Dick because Pussy isn't filled up with the new code, right? I'd need to pull the latest code from Dick into Pussy branch. but what if i dont want to merge Dick into Pussy code? because what Dick contains, Pussy should not and that would cause anomaly and break uhh how do u call it, the purpose of the branch itself right. So if I want to work only on Pussy and commit just that segment of the new code into Dick, how do I do that? Do i have to force pushing Pussy code into Dick every time or can i do it without force command? serious answers only pls

also what alcohol is good for a more productive and longer hour coding sessions thx

New macbook pro has no usb ports , that's apple way of saying "fuck all developers" . That is such a dick move , also the shitty butterfly keyboard i don't know if any developer will like it , any thoughts?

Finally! I'll be able to send dick pics with depth! Thank you iPhone X!

Wishing to punch someone...
My dick boss pushes his frustrations on me because I don't reply... (was educated better then that)
If he's not yelling he's teasing or making fun..
I'm sick since I've been sleeping 3, 4 hours a day (overwork)
On the limit... Almost exploding...
And I know myself... If I explode I won't stop... Need this job

:(
Frustrated

I'm seeing a lot of these rants today and I just felt jealous so...

FUCK YOU MICROSOFT!!
You can pivot to something more your pace like whittling or something...

"Kotlin, why the fuck would you want to introduce a better language for Android studio and still base it entirely on jvm, fuck you jetBrains and Google, you java dick sucking retards. "
LOL

qa: so yesterday we found some bug, not really related to you but <boss> told me to put it on you
me: yeah, when he doesn't, this dick didn't work since I came

*later this day at ~15:00*
boss: so I'm going home, you **must** deal with this bug today, your algo doesn't work.
me: it did 2 days ago didn't it? did you even check the bug?
boss: yeah
me: did you check for regression or just said to put it on me?
boss: nope
me: did you check the changes of the new guy?
boss: nope
me : so why the fuck blame my code?!

*17:10 I'm going home no regression, new guys code deadlocks, not a single fuck thrown*

star wars fans and devs have a big thing in common:

Both groups are whiny bitches that just can't be happy.

that is all.

eat a dick bitches

I so much fucking hate most people
You devs are all good and cool people

Almost everyone else can eat a fucking dick
Some people are fucking disgusting

Everything is so blissful and the whole day is so bright and then you hit into a fucktard that ruins your day

Fuck you bitch you stupid fucking whore

Have u ever opened youtube app on ur phone and started watching a yt video but before u could watch that video u got interrupted with an ad that u can not skip and so u got so frustrated to the point that u grabbed ur dick and slapped the phone screen so the ad can eat ur dick and just before the ad expired u jizzed on the face of that ad and so when the ad was about to finish there was a skip button so u tapped that button not with ur finger but with the tip of ur dick although it was difficult to do that because the jizz kind of interfered with ur touch screen controls so u had to wipe the jizz from ur phone screen with ur dick into the mouth of whoever was in the ad in order to properly press the skip button for that ad so u can simply skip it and finally start watching the yt video that u were initially trying to do ?

Damn you xcode...

Can anyone recommend a good cross platform way to develop GUI applications?

Looking at building an IDE for GMS-2 to add a new workflow but can't find any good GUI's...

(I want to use C# and yes i would ask on stack overflow but im more likely to get help here and not get called a dick head... Maybe)

Having one of those moments when I question why I am a dev and why the world is such a shithole.

Fucking ears ringing and stomach doing summersaults from stress.

I hope SpaceX discovers alien life so I can go with them!

To whoever wrote every template in index.html instead of separate files: i hope your dick falls off.

so a year ago, a client tried to sue our company because he is a dick. we terminated the contracted and went our ways. a year later he wants to come back to us because he thought he could run his real estate business himself using WordPress! I really hate this asshole

TLDR: coworkers are worst than clients on delivery

The endless script last part, or where I want to rip the vocal chords out of my coworker’s throat.

Delivered “quickly” last Friday night as he was stressing me, because it was urgent, because he started shit I had to refactor, because I have better shit to get done.
It’s also important to note that this “senior” sysadmin wrote requirements as follows : told me orally what he needed between a gasp and another and drew me something that looked like a diagram but without real sense. I told myself -Well, let’s get this pile of cow shit together.

Anyway, it required some amount of time to put his giant shit mix of powershell and batch together, also it was quickly but it was tested and it worked on different conditions that I specifically wrote out and designed to have menus where you can’t do shit (like putting a string on a number input).

Today he comes to me and asked if it was ready and I told him it was usable. He tries it, doesn’t know how to use it, abandons it. Then he tells me he doesn’t work how “required” and after 5 Minutes on telling Shit I tested on the exact same server, he said “well my version was ok but you know I could have been more precise”

YOU INORGANIC PILE OF PIGEON SHIT. THE FUCKING SCRIPT IS WORKING, IS REFACTORED AS IT SHOULD AND YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND A CRAP ABOUT THE FUCK YOU’RE EXECUTING.

Seriously, come tell me that you can’t see what happens. I did explicit every fucking command out for you, I even bothered to put fucking Write-Host everywhere with Colors just for your fucking sake taste.

Go fuck a pillow with your biker sunglasses.

And no, the way you cut your beard doesn’t make me think you’re 15 years younger, it makes me think you’re the kind of guy I would not accept candies outside a school.

P.s.: don’t accept candies even if the guy looks nice.

Here you go.. wk25 as well as dick joke

You know apple has its dick deep inside your ass when you buy a Macbook pro with no discrete gpu for game development(unreal engine) and then shell out $1500 for a fried cpu.

When you receive a mass email along with all your competitors from someone looking for a quote. You know we are all just going to double our quotes as your being a dick.

Who on here used GeoCities?

I never got to see it since I'm born after yahoo bought it but do you maybe even have your old site to showcase?^^

-.- after the bs with amazon. they now say my item would arrive after i told them i would move. also said it'd arrive way out of prime 2days so...fuck yourselves amazon. eat a dick

When the colleague that you're arguing with on a slack channel is an administrator. He has the power to delete anything you post that makes him look like a dick.

I will not submit to this reign of tyranny!

honestly im all for devrant becoming sone sort of alternative to StOve, or branched off into one, you all are so nice and fun to talk/listen to, and ypu dont treat this platform as a dick measurement contest