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Inspired by @h3ll, this is a combination of current and former coworkers:
Awkward Wizard:
This guy has the social skills of a microwaved dog turd. He is a genius, but working with him is about as uncomfortable as sticking a grill skewer in your eye and twisting it repeatedly until close of business. He laughs at inappropriate times, and every time he does, an unborn child tears its own ears off. He explains things in a way that only himself and Satan understand, then talks to you like you're a child when you don't follow his logic. He is the guy you hide when the CEO is around. His code is immaculate.
Backstab McGillacutty:
This bowl of bile is the son of a bitch that takes credit for everybody else's work. When you do something good, he was miraculously involved, but when you mess up, this twat is the dicknose that brings it up in retrospective and calls you out by name to the boss. You can usually find these guys talking shit about the CTO, until the boss quits. Then they buddy up with the CTO and become a Joel Osteen-esque evangelist for everything the CTO wants in a shitty, underhanded attempt to climb the ladder. Fuck this guy.
Professor Fuckwaffle:
This coworker used to teach Computer Science classes. Their resume is amazing, and they can speak to the most complex of design principles. This is the shitstain that you hire because of their skill and knowledge only to find out that ol' fuckwaffle can't apply the shit they spout to save their wretched lives. You'll spend more time listening to fuckwaffle lecture than you will reviewing their code (because they cant fucking write any!) You know the saying, those who can, do, and those who can't, teach? Yeah, that shit was written for Fuckwaffle.
Last but not least:
Scrumdumb:
This guy isn't even a coder. This guy is worse than the the scum you pour out of the bottom of a slow-cooker that you forgot to wash last time you made chicken. He's a non-technical PM. You know the type, right? He usually says "cloud infrastructure," "paradigm," "algorithm," "SDLC," etc but has no grasp of any of them. He often opens his dumpster to spout off something like "You can just create a new class for that" while talking about HTML. I won't waste any more breath on Scrumdumb, he already creates enough work for me.3 -
An entire night I've spent on this shit.. preparing wires, soldering them on the motherboard, and finally connecting everything up to current meters, my PC's USB port and a lithium cell from my old Doogee phone that I still had laying around. All in the hopes to get an adb shell. But all in vain.. the turd doesn't even want to boot up. What a fantastic waste of time 😑
(Apologies for the terrible picture quality btw, this tablet's camera is absolute garbage)
15 -
3 rants for the price of 1, isn't that a great deal!
1. HP, you braindead fucking morons!!!
So recently I disassembled this HP laptop of mine to unfuck it at the hardware level. Some issues with the hinge that I had to solve. So I had to disassemble not only the bottom of the laptop but also the display panel itself. Turns out that HP - being the certified enganeers they are - made the following fuckups, with probably many more that I didn't even notice yet.
- They used fucking glue to ensure that the bottom of the display frame stays connected to the panel. Cheap solution to what should've been "MAKE A FUCKING DECENT FRAME?!" but a royal pain in the ass to disassemble. Luckily I was careful and didn't damage the panel, but the chance of that happening was most certainly nonzero.
- They connected the ribbon cables for the keyboard in such a way that you have to reach all the way into the spacing between the keyboard and the motherboard to connect the bloody things. And some extra spacing on the ribbon cables to enable servicing with some room for actually connecting the bloody things easily.. as Carlos Mantos would say it - M-m-M, nonoNO!!!
- Oh and let's not forget an old flaw that I noticed ages ago in this turd. The CPU goes straight to 70°C during boot-up but turning on the fan.. again, M-m-M, nonoNO!!! Let's just get the bloody thing to overheat, freeze completely and force the user to power cycle the machine, right? That's gonna be a great way to make them satisfied, RIGHT?! NO MOTHERFUCKERS, AND I WILL DISCONNECT THE DATA LINES OF THIS FUCKING THING TO MAKE IT SPIN ALL THE TIME, AS IT SHOULD!!! Certified fucking braindead abominations of engineers!!!
Oh and not only that, this laptop is outperformed by a Raspberry Pi 3B in performance, thermals, price and product quality.. A FUCKING SINGLE BOARD COMPUTER!!! Isn't that a great joke. Someone here mentioned earlier that HP and Acer seem to have been competing for a long time to make the shittiest products possible, and boy they fucking do. If there's anything that makes both of those shitcompanies remarkable, that'd be it.
2. If I want to conduct a pentest, I don't want to have to relearn the bloody tool!
Recently I did a Burp Suite test to see how the devRant web app logs in, but due to my Burp Suite being the community edition, I couldn't save it. Fucking amazing, thanks PortSwigger! And I couldn't recreate the results anymore due to what I think is a change in the web app. But I'll get back to that later.
So I fired up bettercap (which works at lower network layers and can conduct ARP poisoning and DNS cache poisoning) with the intent to ARP poison my phone and get the results straight from the devRant Android app. I haven't used this tool since around 2017 due to the fact that I kinda lost interest in offensive security. When I fired it up again a few days ago in my PTbox (which is a VM somewhere else on the network) and today again in my newly recovered HP laptop, I noticed that both hosts now have an updated version of bettercap, in which the options completely changed. It's now got different command-line switches and some interactive mode. Needless to say, I have no idea how to use this bloody thing anymore and don't feel like learning it all over again for a single test. Maybe this is why users often dislike changes to the UI, and why some sysadmins refrain from updating their servers? When you have users of any kind, you should at all times honor their installations, give them time to change their individual configurations - tell them that they should! - in other words give them a grace time, and allow for backwards compatibility for as long as feasible.
3. devRant web app!!
As mentioned earlier I tried to scrape the web app's login flow with Burp Suite but every time that I try to log in with its proxy enabled, it doesn't open the login form but instead just makes a GET request to /feed/top/month?login=1 without ever allowing me to actually log in. This happens in both Chromium and Firefox, in Windows and Arch Linux. Clearly this is a change to the web app, and a very undesirable one. Especially considering that the login flow for the API isn't documented anywhere as far as I know.
So, can this update to the web app be rolled back, merged back to an older version of that login flow or can I at least know how I'm supposed to log in to this API in order to be able to start developing my own client?6 -
Monday morning, went to the local grocery store to get myself some croissants and 2 bottles of wine.
Cashier: "Already at it in the morning, you sure about that?"
Me: "Long story short, I've got a Wi-Fi driver from Intel to debug and rewrite, and it's a fucking piece of shit.. can't go at it without hitting or preferably exceeding the Ballmer Peak... Also I'm awake since yesterday evening already."
Why even ask? Yeah I'm a fucking alcoholic, and guess why that is.. stupid nontechnical fucks, certified enganeers like that motherfucker at Intel who wrote this pile of garbage called ipw2200, and technology that can't be arsed to work properly on its own unless I build the fucking thing myself, just to name a few reasons.
You know what, fucking piece of shit from Intel, whoever it is? How about I let you choke on my dick while fucking hanging you with a sharp metal wire that's carrying 2kVAC from a microwave transformer, just to see whether I'd nut first, or you either choke, get electrocuted, or get your fucking throat slit first. Certificates aren't an excuse for committing this fucking pile of shit and calling it a fucking product!!
Now, it's time to dive into this giant stinking fucking turd I guess.. first glass of wine to get myself prepared for the shitstorm that's a giant 20k LoC C file with barely any comments, to look what the fuck causes this fucking pile of shit to disconnect and ask for WPA credentials after a while, despite having them stored.. and not reconnect after that, because why the fuck would you?!11 -
YES FINALLY SOMEBODY REPLIED TO MY JOB OFFER ON UPWORK LET ME OPEN THE MESSAGE
A LINK TO A ZIP FILE WITH PASSWORD THAT LOOKS SO SKETCHY HMMMMMMMMMMM
LETS OPEN IT
WHATS THIS
- aboutus/
-- COMPANY PROFILE.docx
-- Paiza.docx
-- PROJECT WORK.docx
- requirement.lnk
- training/
-- discussion/
--- instruction/
---- democrat/
----- marketing.bat
A MARKETING.BAT FILE FOR A JOB OFFER??? HMMM THATS SO INTERESTING LET ME OPEN THIS MARKETING.BAT IN VSCODE
OH WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT 10,000 LINES OF CODE OF ENCRYPTED CIPHER ENCODED MALWARE TROJAN MESSAGE TO FUCK UP MY C DRIVE.
WHY EVEN BOTHER. WHY DO YOU FUCKING WASTE MY FUCKING TIME YOU *********FUCKING*******++++ SCAMMERS I HOPE YOU GET CANCER AND YOUR WHOLE FAMILY DIES IN THE MOST HARMFUL PAINFUL SLOW DEATH I HOPE SOMEONE POURS ACID ON YOUR FUCKING FACE AND YOU END UP AT A MEXICAN CARTEL GORE VIDEO WEBSITE WHERE THEY CHOP YOUR FUCKING ARMS AND LEGS OFF AND PUT A PITBULL TO MAUL YOUR FUCKING TINY DICK OFF AS YOUR HEAD WATCHES IN AGONY AND YOUR ARMLESS AND LEGLESS BODY FEELS ALL PAIN WHILE YOU'RE DRUGGED WITH ADRENALINE TO STAY ALIVE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE AND RIGHT WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT TO FUCKING DIE THEY CUT YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFFFF DECAPITATED LIKE A FUCKING USELESS TURD SHIT FAGGOT WASTE OF OXYGEN SCAMMING CANCER FUCK
WHY SCAM ENGINEERS ON UPWORK????? WHAT DO YOU GET FROM IT????
11 -
I've just been given a beautiful turd of a PC with only 512MB RAM to get ready for someone in the residence. Way too small for any modern Windows or even Linux with a halfway decent GUI. And the user doesn't have any technical background so I highly doubt that they'll be able to maintain a Linux system. Windows XP is full of security issues but it might just be able to run on that craptop. Due to me knowing that it's a vulnerable system though, I've got an ethical issue with that. Windows XP is insecure but at least the user would be able to use it.. and Linux is secure but it'd never get updated, and I really don't want that guy to come knock on my door every time he wants to install a piece of software.. the guy fucking stinks! What would you do in a situation like that?30
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Great... Just spent so much time on unfucking that HP turd that I don't have the energy anymore to rant about the many certified brainfarts that I saw in there - such as gluing the bezel onto the LCD, placement of ribbon cables etc. Thanks HP -.-
And no I'm not gonna design and mass-produce an alternative without any flaws, just to support my own criticism towards certain design choices.1 -
!dev
So, the house next door to me is being renovated into half a dozen apartments. This process has been ongoing for like 4 years of here-and-there houseflipper failboating, and if I had to guess, 3 owners worth of this fuckery.
The latest shitheel trying to polish this turd into something saleable has had it sit partially covered with plastic for months, mostly getting rained on. One crew came by last week and put half the thermal shielding up before something happened and they left. Then half of it fell off the house, into my yard. Nice person that I am I gathered it all up and left it in the various excavated pools of water on their property in which I can only imagine they are busily raising farm to table mosquitoes for the local market.
FF to today and I see a crew pull up to the house and start nailing plywood to the side of the house with no thermal pad underneath it. Which is a legit code violation and a mold hazard, but yolo amirite? I chat up some of the guys and find out that they were scheduled to install the plywood today (apparently he'd run out of money for the nice modular siding they used on the back half) and the owner didn't give a shit if the rest of the work was done. Meanwhile shit is still falling off the house onto my house, but also wgaf. 🚬
Tl;Dr the people trying to flip the house next to mine were obviously IT managers in a previous life.6 -
Fuck Apple sideways! (Wait for it, the original part begins)
HOW can a company that keeps on boasting about UX, to the point that last WDC they took more time speaking about a fucking kaleidoscope animation for their watch then about the whole changes to their MacBook's hardware, even consider putting that turd of a remote on market.
If you have an Apple Store in reach, I invite you to get up, flush, and go there. Try that atrocity that is the AppleTV, and laugh at how incredibly bad it is. Then do your best to refrain from burning the place down in your inevitable rage, that might cause you legal issues.
The previous AppleTV was fine, it was practically useless, but usable. But for some reason they decided a touchpad with low precision and no gestures was a good idea to put on a remote to a thing that will, due to its target audience, most likely be plugged into a fancy TV that has a 300ms lag due to fancy image processing. That thing gives no feedback, appart from visual, has so little precision that in a movie, the smallest step I've achieved was 5 fucking minutes, while being really fucking careful not to spoil the movie.8 -
OK heavy rant on 'modern' software development coming! --> don't take it to seriously though :-)
Electron... why does that shit exist? It is like stacking all the worst technologies available to mankind into an enormous pile of crap and polishing that turd to look like something wonderful. It is big, slow and overall AWFUL!
An example? ... Microsoft Teams :-( it burns your PC like fire and makes it squeal for mercy.
When a library/framework becomes the ultimate evolution of abstraction layer upon abstraction layer and it simply should stop to exist and a reset button needs to be pressed.
I would love to see some research on the real world environmental impact that all those shitty slow and bloated web technologies have.
Solution:
Software energy label!
C, C++ and Rust e.t.c. and all accompanying efficient UI libraries should be the only languages/implementations allowed to get a A, B and C label.
Python (without C libraries like Numpy), JavaScript and all those other slow interpreted scripting/Web API nonsense should get a D, E or F label by default.
Have fun!12 -
So new PM is forcing everyone to use Google sheets as our main project management tool as it's free and does what she likes... Was so close to just quitting.
More rage: how the fudge does she think it's acceptable for every 'to-do' no matter how big or small needs to be recorded in a sheet with roughly 30 columns @#&#&£ work is going to grind to a halt whilst we fill it in. So many better tools to use! Oh it gets worse it's 1 sheet per a person so the longer you work there the bigger the sheet gets the more time you need to spend to find, record and even open the freaking document up.11 -
Fuck sake :(
So I just checked my bank to find out I'm in an extra £300 debt because my fucking letting agency took my rent AFTER I MOVED IT FOR £98 BECAUSE I COULDN'T AFFORD IT.
Why the fuck is the world throwing turd after steaming turd at me, first the streets, then family, then job, then debt, now a constant barrage of shit. Just feel like ending it now so I don't have to deal with this shit anymore, fuck the human race and the shithole upside down society they've made :'(5 -
YouTube. Hate and love for it just like I would for an abusive partner.
Ads!
Wanna build a website with Wix? Fuck no!
Wanna manage WordPress over SSH? Fuck no!
.. well I kind of do but a turd remains a turd regardless of how it's maintained. WordPress can go die from a torture as long as the time everyone has wasted on it loading already. So no, I don't give a flying fuck about WordPress' new interface.
Wanna buy a new Samsung phone despite just having bought a OnePlus already? YOUTUBE, HOW ABOUT YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF AND YOUR SHITTY ALGO?!!
Quality videos though, so many engineering videos and all for free. How amazing is that? I quite like them.
But if I try to like a video and particularly the fucking comments on it, don't you fucking dare putting your fat fingers 1 pixel next to the like button, because then obviously you want to reply to the comment and have a pop-up with the whole comment and all its replies, and an automatically popped up text input field, just so you have to tap back 2 times just to try liking the bloody comment again. Rinse and repeat that 2 times at best, 5 times at worst. What's not to like, right?!
God fucking dammit. At least now I know why those random mentions without any meaningful other text are there in most comment sections. Usability over 9000!!!11 -
so a few months ago, in my language class, I was quickly restarting node when this turd behind me said "Why are you hacking your laptop?"
I mean seriously wtf, I was just restarting node. -
Safari is like IE to me. Quirks, missing features, useless debugging tools, vendor specific.
At least Microsoft started fixing is turd.9 -
*WanBLowS shits itself as usual in BSOD*
FEATUREFUL FUCKING JOKE OF AN OPERATING SYSTEM..!!!! How about you do the only thing that you're good at - casual shit like letting me watch a fucking anime! - and do it properly?! Yes there's an rsync from btrfs to btrfs going on in the background - because yes I fucking detest your joke of a filesystem called NTFS!! Should that even matter?! ONE FUCKING JOB!!!
Meanwhile my tablet, a fucking €120 cheapie!! It can stay up and running - stable! - for fucking weeks in a row, only taken down by me forgetting to charge the bloody thing every few days. But yeah it's gotta be a hardware issue, it's gotta be an obscure setup. NO IT'S A FUCKING CRAPTACULAR SHIT OS!!! If only those Microshit certified enganeers would write a goddamn line of DECENT CODE!!!
(As for anyone who doesn't know already that I've tried countless times to convert this turd to Linux.. It's an Intel + Nvidia GPU hybrid and it doesn't even boot a Linux live session. Believe me, I've tried.)7 -
I started my internship at the end of the year..
Fuck my ass!!! This code I have to work with is a huge pile of shit.
The code base I need to work with is around 40k LOC. It is a mixture of C++, C, Java, Python, Bash and I think I saw some lonely js files around.
A list of awesome parts:
- Paths are hard coded.
- Redundant code everywhere
- No documentation or inline comments available
Most of the comments in the code are just old code that is not used anymore. But the cherry on the turd is the class that should provide all kind of useful functions in my daily routine. About ninety percent of the functions have the same description or nothing. Sometimes a function name says "readSomethingFromSomewhere" but instead it writes something to a file. It is really confusing and I need to check everything twice instead of rely on what the function name promises.
I have also learned why copy paste isn't that good. The brief descriptions of every method in a files are always the same.
getName() - Description: Fork child process
getIp() - Description: Fork child process
getIpv6() - Description: Fork child process.
Surprise: None of these functions forks a child process. :D
Another awesome feature is the thing that they store up to five different versions of libraries. Everyone with slight modifications but no hint which one you need to use. Sometimes it is the newest, sometimes the oldest which is running in production. Another case of try and error.
Oh and my dev machine is a potato with a power supply and a fan. I started with NetBeans and every time I compiled the code it sounds like the machine wants to lift off and leave for a better place. (At this point I switched to Emacs and everything runs smoothly now)
At first I thought that I'm just not that good at coding and understanding a big project from scratch but some colleagues have the same problem. The whole system is very inflexible and it is all about "std::cout"-debugging to check if your changes do what you want them to do.
Currently I'm just trying to fix this mess to make the life for the next student or employee easier. The first month was just frustrating as hell. I need to ask so many questions and most of the time the answer was "I don't know, haven't touched this code in years". Needless to say that my progress isn't that awesome but at least I get a nice payment for 20 hours of work a week.2 -
Fuck you cock sucking turd licking MS Teams.
What kind of assrat did code you into the marooned abomination you are?
I will take the timeachine and retroactively abort your devs.20 -
Fuuuuck you AWS!!!
If you have a feature called “termination protection” perhaps it should actually prevent an instance from being terminated!
But nooo, you add *one line* of text on a documentation unrelated to ec2 terminations saying that in this particular scenario, it will terminate your instance.
Eat a dick. Eat a bag of dicks. Eat all of the dicks you fucking turd munchers.
Now I have to manually enter a month of invoices from the order emails that were created. 😡2 -
RANT!
AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
BLOODY FUCK TURD BORN FROM THE BACTERIA OF YOUR MOTHER'S POOP, BRAINLESS WHORE
. JUST ONE SECOND OF YOUR NON EXISTENCE WILL CHANGE THE WORLD FOR ME.
Well this is what I would say to my brain deficient friends who think I don't have a life and sit at the computer all day playing GAMES and that I should get away from my computer and learn to PLAY with them in real life
BITCHES DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW IT IS TO WORK YOURSELF A LIVING, ALL THEY KNOW IS THROW MONEY AND GET THEIR DICKS SUCKED OFF. FUUUUUCCK!! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE GAMES PART. ALL THESE PUNY FUCKS CAN DO IS TO POST POUT FACES FILLED WITH DOG FAECES AND CRY ABOUT THEIR LOST LIKES.5 -
Email from boss: Have a nice weekend everyone!
Colleague A's reply: The weather is gonna be bad...
PM: Oh then A, you can stay at home and make sure the sites are working over the weekend!
5 seconds later boss replied:
Oh enjoy watching the sites then!
I can tell you two are from the same pile of turd *smh* -
Jesus Christ on a crutch!
You don't fucking use try and excepts everywhere in place of actual logic! For once in your Goddamn miserable life, I need you to actually think through what you're doing instead of mindlessly typing code away at your computer, you fucking King Shit of Turd Mountain!
DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY EVERYTHING KEEPS BREAKING!?
BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING REFERENCING VARIABLES BEFORE THEY'RE ASSIGNED, AND THEN WRAPPING IT UP IN A TRY AND EXCEPT! YOU DON'T FUCKING DO THAT! Think through what you're doing!!!!
The shit you're pulling off here is as useful as a chocolate teapot!1 -
I have just done my manicures yesterday evening. And, it's so nice to look at when you have your nails done from my point of view, especially when coding. So much view and can really boost self esteem, lets you smile, and motivated to work though I don't usually love Mondays because yeah, another manic Monday.
I just so love my manicures today, despite the allergies that I still have, the enhancement code that has not yet been deployed by our ever loving, supreme, Grandmaster turd, let's just name him, John Doe.
P.S. please not be easily removed manicures. For you are the only source of my happiness and my motivation to go to work (because bills is too mainstream and will always be the classy reason also)3 -
Firebase... the kind of hosting you seem to be friends with, but if you're honest, you would really like to kill it by sticking a flamethrower in its ass, happily pulling the trigger, while singing "Oh happy day" in full vocals.
The people who wrote the whole thing must have smoked crystal meth through a hobo's raped intestine to come up with such a turd fest. WTF.
If it wasn't for my boss, I'd have ran far away to nerver hear of this tripper infested crap again!5 -
I want my super power to be 'not give a fuck' because I have almost perfected this super power, (I don't give a fuck about your thoughts mr customer, mr project manager your collective ideas are turd and I don't have enough polish and glitter left in my drawer to make this turd shine)
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Had to go to a toilet real bad at a supermarket-restaurant combo, there was only one stall and someone hadn't flushed.
I can't believe I'm about to say this, but the toilet bowl contained the most impressive turd I have ever seen in my life.
You should've seen it. I went to the handicap bathroom instead10 -
Come the fuck on!
AngularJS, or should I call it AidsJS, seems to magically stop sending data as 'form-data'.
2 hours of debugging and this rusty piece of junk won't bow down before my magic hands!
Go eat a rotten turd candy, Google!4 -
Many years ago, when I moved from a semi-experienced developer to an absolute beginner project manager at another company, my very first project was an absolute clusterfuck.
The customer basically wanted to scrape signups to their EventBrite events into their CRM system. The fuckery began before the project even started, when I was told my management that we HAD to use BizTalk. It didn't matter that we had zero experience with BizTalk, or that using BizTalk for this particular project was like using a stealth bomber to go down to the shops for a bottle of tequila (that's one for fans of Last Man on Earth). It's designed to be used by an experienced team of developers, not a small inexperienced 1-person dev team I had. The reason was for bullshit political reasons which I wasn't really made clear on (I suspect that our sales team sold it to them for a bazillion pounds, and they weren't using it for anything, so we had to justify us selling it to them by doing SOMETHING with it). And because this was literally my first project, I was young and not confident at all, and I wanted to be the guy who just got shit done, I didn't argue.
Inevitably, the project was a turd. It went waaay over budget and time, and didn't work very well. I remember one morning on my way to work seriously considering ploughing my car into a ditch, so that I had a good excuse not to go into work and face that bullshit project.
The good thing is that I learned a lot from that. I decided that kind of fuckery was never going to happen again.
A few months later I had an initial meeting with a potential customer (who I was told would be a great customer to have for bullshit political reasons) - I forget the details but they essentially wanted to build a platform for academic researchers to store data, process it using data processing plugins which they could buy, and commersialise it somehow. There were so many reasons why this was a terrible idea, but when they said that they were dead set on using SharePoint (SharePoint!!!) as the base of the platform, I remembered my first project and what happened.
I politely explained my technical and business concerns over the idea, and reasons why SharePoint was not a good fit (with diagrams and everything), suggested a completely different technology stack, and scheduled another meeting so they could absorb what I had said and revisit. I went to my sales and head of development and basically told them to run. Run fast, and run far, because it won't work, these guys are having some kind of fever dream, it's a clusterfuck in the making, and for some reason they won't consider not using SP.
I never heard from them again, so I assume we dropped them as a potential client. It felt amazing. I think that was the single best thing I did for that company.
Moral of the story: when technology decisions are made which you know are wrong, don't be afraid to stand up and explain why.
3 -
Got an update for Firefox 😊 ->
Updated Firefox 🎉 ->
Got a sticky popup that asks if I would answer 3 review questions, why not? 🙄 ->
Went to a fucking website that uses my fucking IP to identify my fucking language automatically, and the result is the one you can see in the image,
half fucking German and half fucking English,
meanwhile I'm the turd from fucking Italy!
Firefox, I didn't knew you like it 🤬 black (pattern(UX))
Message for ALL, take my example and WHENEVER THERE'S A TURD THAT SUGGESTS TO IMPLEMENT THE fucking LOCALIZATION BASED ON IP ADDRESSES, SAY THAT IT DOESN'T WORK, NEVER WORKED(not my first time elsewhere on the web) AND NEVER FUCKING WILL 😤
7 -
Oh great, now garbage websites can even break the browser's reload button. Wanna reload the page that never stops loading or crashes its scripts? Click the button and watch the browser do fuck all and a little bit of nothing.
Nah, you see to refresh that polished rotten turd you gotta close the tab and then restore it, and if that doesn't work open a new one and copy-paste the URL because who the fuck doesn't like some invalid state.
Can't wait for the day I have to shutdown and disconnect the battery because some idiot messed up the layout.3 -
Don't you just love how you have to clone the whole 40GB library's repo, load it in your IDE and hook that IDE's debugger to your app, because some moron developing that turd decided to mute an exception?
Thanks God the lib is opensource. Otherwise I'd have to jdb without any sources, which sounds like a lot of days of a lot of fun (y) -
Old story, happened some way back. I worked part-time for a small web development company that did between other things something called SharePoint development, basically .net webforms with shit glitter on top of it.
The most weird part of it, was the fact that we were working on vms that hosted the app, it was our dev, test and staging environment, as well as were we showed the client the polished turd.
Did I say that it was on a vm? Well it was on a remote vm, that each of use had access to it, through our domain accounts, and they couldn't configure the windows server to accept more than two or three users at once to be connected.
That was our test enviroment and dev enviroment, sooo showing the app to the client meant for the rest of us to not write any code because it might crash or get stuck.
The app was accessible and discoverable by url and through google search from outside, I dont think that should have been allowed.
The most disastrous part was that we had NO source versioning whatsoever, just plain old copy and paste in different folders.
Deploying to client meant remoting to the clients host or whatever it was, and manually copying the source files
If someone wanted to debug the application you had to shout, and you also could hear it, in the office: "I'm debugging!" or "I'm deploying!". Because we were on the same machine, there was only one process with the server and it meant that if you debug or deployed it would block it for the others.
Should I talk about code quality? Maybe not.1 -
[this post is not a joke, it's about health, ladies might want to avoid reading it as it about defecating]
i did mindfulness during shitting and i think more people shud try this.
instead of just pooping without giving any attention to it or using phone while pooping, you can use your phone for guided meditation with apps like Trip, Calm, ...
While shitting I noticed small things like the water tap, I slowly rotated it; first the water came in drops(listen to it), then in a small stream, then a turbulent flow.
If your attention drifts away, gently observe that its a thought and let it pass.
focus on what is happening right now. Feel how your anus vibrates to fart, giving a tingling sensation.
focus on how the turd comes out of the anus, the way it expands your sphincter muscles and finally drops in the crapper.
Practice gratitude. I realised how lucky I'm to shit comfortably in solidarity, many people in the world don't even have such privilege.
I feel good that I've flush mechanism in my toilet and 24x7 water supply. The shitting time can be utilised in a very positive way like this.
Look at your shit and wonder this used to be food, and be grateful to your digestive system.19 -
Looking through a former developer's drive for their projects folder is kind of like a treasure hunt, only you don't get something good at the end of it usually.
Especially when there's a good reason they're a "former" developer.
Non-standard locations.
Behold, latest deployed code changes are uncommitted.
Alcohol, please save me.2 -
Just needing to vent a bit...
We start off with classic asp.net & Xamarin. K.
Then we run into the shitshow that's lackluster documentation and heavy push for asp.net core.
Whatever, will just handroll things.
K. Azure is quickly turning expensive..
Well let's find alternatives.
Yeah, no Linux ain't gonna work.
Wanna shell out for a windows server? Nah.
K. Well, let's rewrite in asp.net core then.
Nginx proxy passthrough to kestrel. Ez.
Now.. wtf is the deal with mssql behaving like a turd on Linux?
Oh now some security jibber about telemetry and adding Microsoft keys to root.
Whatever. I can do PHP & MariaDB then.
1001 things wrong about Xamarin now.
Mostly performance related.
Especially cuz custom renderers for everything.
& Abused onPropertyChanged.
Uh la la, look at that sexy thing called react native.
Hippytyhop new tool for the job.
Ugh wee, what's this ? Customer impatient & deadline for months worth in Xamarin => 1 week.
Whelp I be fudge..6 -
Renaming a file is just too difficult for this piece of shit software.
Fixing bugs? Fuck no.
Fixing crashes? Fuck no.
Fixing the unnavigable IDE settings? Fuck no.
The IntelliJ platform is a bloated piece of shit at every level.
JetBrains cannot produce software that isn't held together by duct tape.
I can't name a single item of software they've ever produced that isn't a bloated piece of shit.
Even if you are prepared to waste a lot of time trying to file a bug report – which they usually just ignore or pretend not to be reproducible – you have to use another in-house heap of shit called YouTrack.
Have you tried using this piece of trash that masquerades as a bug tracker?
These people are fucking clinically insane.
While your IDE becomes unresponsive and crashes without warning, or your keyboard shortcuts just mysteriously stop working in the IDE, or indexing just stops working for no reason, why not check out their TikTok and Twitter accounts?
They've got an excellent PR team that knows how to polish a turd for public consumption, and to make money out of it.
15 -
/** Null until this web socket is connected. Used for writes, pings, and close timeouts. */
private ScheduledExecutorService executor;
Dear boys and girls.
If you ever do this again and release this as a public library (even better - an official client of your solution, e.g. kuber-fucking-netes), I will get my way into dR's gateway servers, trace down your IP in nginx's logs, find your location, probably use some means to get your first and last name (you prolly have a domain registered under your IP anyways...), buy a ticket to your town, get to your home and wait for night to fall. Once it's dark and you're asleep, I'll make sure to leave a real nice, warm and extraordinarily smelly turd on your doorstep (I'll also make sure the process of manufacturing that gem is as noisy as it gets - you just have to bend the right way, and....).
Gents. If you really, REALLY want to make writes asynchronous, at least provide a way to either get a notification once the write is synchronized, or allow the user to handle the threads/executors himself!
https://youtube.com/watch/...
5 -
OMFG, Dell, why can't you be normal and make your batteries die like any other batteries - by simply switching the laptop off immediately when the charger is unplugged???
Guess what it looks like when a JD25G (XPS13 9530) battery is dying (still 88% health)!
Constant screen flickering (yes, even in BIOS). Good thing I'm not an epileptic - my screen is fucking strobing!!!
I know it's a battery, because I had the same issue some years ago when I replaced the died original one with a cheapo made by GreenCell. Boi that was fun - I saw my laptop do miraculous things I never would've thought of! Screen flickering was one of them. As soon as I replaced that turd with an original one all these magic powers went away.14 -
Vscode is a fucking turd. Edit replace in files is not finding shit that is clearly there. Why are all developer tools big piles of fucking shit. Time to drink. Fuck this shit.7
-
So, I fixed this shitty code, real shitty, inlined some shit and shaved off some other shit and it was fixed...
The reviewer says we'd better request a review from the dude that's actually responsible for that piece of shit code - what the fuck...
Here comes this bossy fucker saying they don't really understand that shit so they don't know for sure if there could be a better way...
Me, ignorant as always, popped a vessel figuring out a cleaner way.
I tell those sick fucks that we'd need to change some shit over at another repository, also maintained by the latter turd.
The latter turd says they like my second suggestion better, to which I reply,
'ok, I agree.'
In my mind that pull was done, should be closed and water under the bridge but oh how clueless I was...
SIX FUCKING MONTHS later the same shitbag pops out of god knows where asking if I still wanted to work on the pull....
"Motherfucker, my pull was for this fucking code, not for doing work on the other, obviously I'm not interested in doing that or else I would've opened a pull there instead of here, dumb-dumb" - I thought
Thou what I said was:
"No, I don't. I agree it's a problem better solved at the other repository."
Maybe I was a bit mean, was I? I don't know, honestly, people confuse me2 -
When the monthly scrum retrospective reaches the 90 minute mark...
You know when people are being stress tested and they break by getting up, run around screaming and ultimately knock themselves unconscious by running into a wall?
That. I felt like doing that.
I swear someone activates some sort of gravity well when these meetings begin because time beings to stretch on and o........n....... while they meetings happen.
I began to list things I think I'd rather be doing than be in that meeting.
1) Tax returns.
2) Prostate exam (not old enough to need one yet but at least I'd be out the meeting).
3) Visiting the dentist.
4) Assembling IKEA furniture.
5) Watching soccer at least they have the decency to give you a break in the middle and I find sports as engaging as a dog turd on the sidewalk.
So bored was I that I began to notice notches and holes in the ceiling tiles and when I remarked upon them others became engrossed in them and began to speculate upon their origins.
I don't know who a speaker is, what department they are from, what product they're working on or what's so important about the algorithm they're working on. There is no context, no explanation and half way through a show and tell I had to check we were still in a show and tell.
I was bored shitless. I actually felt physical pain from boredom, I've not felt that way since I was a child.
I really, really hate that scrum is implemented in this way.
It left me with only half an hour of coding time left and really it sapped my energy and motivation to the point where I just went home early.
Excuse my language, but:
Fucking bloody cunting waste of time, I've had more productive moments in the restroom. They need to piss off or committed seppuku, ideally both. Dante got it wrong the seventh level of hell is this. I'm usually a very calm and balanced individual but yesterday, yesterday I just... Fuck! Argh! Fuck you meeting, fuck you.
If you are the type that schedules meetings like this:
May a thousand Jabberwockies plague your nightmares and be it that the next seventy seven times you lay with a human shall ye experience bitter failure! I hope Cthulhu himself visits his "enlightenment" upon you and you fear sleep henceforth.
I'm bringing a rubix cube or juggling balls into the next meeting so that I can say at least I learned something and it wasn't time wasted.3 -
Me: Hey, can we schedule a weekly meeting at <day, hh:mm>? I can give you an update on my work and we discuss upcoming problems?
Superviser (assigned especially to me): Yeah sure, come over, I'm free at that time.
Said day he comes 1h late, missing the appointment. Talking later that day to schedule another meeting for the upcoming week, he confirms.
Appointed day he's not there again, working from home. This has happend a few times now. They expect me to update our shared calendar or at least write a mail if I'm not available. He doesn't.
Could you fucking not?2 -
What fucking moron thinks Bootstrap is a skill? It's a crappy CSS and js library with the same crappy overused design and the (metaphorical) size/quality of an elephant turd. It's times like this I wish I could forget about not upsetting people and reply with a big fat go fuck yourself. Fuck me.
9 -
Someone just left a small turd in front of the toilet bowl and stepped on it so now there's smeared shit on the floor tiles in a toilet stall.
Must be all the caffeine I guess.
Oh, and don't stand up too fast after taking a shit apparently, since I can't fathom how that happened.4 -
BLAZING FAST
I never see this said with reference to a fucking hardware driver or a shit hot games engine, it's always used to persuade me to use some fucking frontend framework.
It's JS, running in a browser, polishing the turd of the clapped-out DOM - I don't EXPECT it to be fast. I just don't want it to go completely to fuck straight away. The bar is so low that the core of the Earth is melting it.3 -
So I started my current job 7 months ago
I like the company and feel like I fit in with the people. The work though....
So the project I'm on has an Apache Wicket front end.... Pretty sure this thing was written around the same time I was learning to wipe my own ass. The senior dev is unreliable af and even when he is here, he sounds like a dial up connection.
Today is my last day with this turd. He's leaving at the end of the month and I'm on leave the coming week. So I'll be coming back to having this project basically to myself... Mixed feelings... One the one hand, I'm glad to be rid of this guy... On the other, this is a legacy project and I still don't know the half of it -
At this point there's a poo poking its nose out my butthole but only a few more minutes and I can finally see the output of this program, finish, go to the loo and then go home.3
-
I don't feel comfortable swearing. It's just how I was raised. But GoDaddy makes me want to. Badly. One of my specialities is switching people AWAY from that monstrosity. EVERY time I do that and there are pro-rated refunds, they ALWAYS try to pressure me into applying that refund to some other unwanted product. NO, YOU DINGBAT! We're dropping you like the hot, gooey, fly-covered turd you are, not looking to add even MORE expensive and unnecessary services.
-
My visceral hate of Spring.Net burns with the force of a thousand suns.
Almost everything it does is done wrong or solved better by other solutions.
Specifying which classes to instantiate from .xml files? Sure why not, compile type safety (the whole reason for using a static programming language) is obviously overrated and dependency based injection is surely impossible!
And for extra bonus points, now our client code must be aware of the internals of the service classes, and all of their references as well, because, encapsulation? Who cares.
Have you made an typo? Good fucking luck finding out from which of the 100 config files we have floating around...
And, because it has baked in AOP and Transactions its woven into the fabric of the project like a tapewom.
Of course this may just be how our "special snowflake" project uses Spring.
What makes it more painful is that I love good DI tools (ninject, castlewindsor, autofac, there are so many...) and we're stuck with this turd because 7 years ago some java devs couldn't be arsed to learn a new library...1 -
The taboo of not finishing.
(As I prefaced to many posts I made, don't take this too seriously)
It is very normal in the programming world to get recommended to finish projects.
But I was wondering "what if you don't?".
Of course, we can agree that having little patience or persistence is not good for any endeavor.
But what if this recurrent focus on finishing is also bad?
Granted, I have started dozens of things and only finished one or two of them and none have become popular.
So there's not a lot of support to back my take.
But I definitely learned a lot from these projects. And I definitely had a lot of fun at some points.
In fact, I think if I had switched more often early on I would have been less miserable, and maybe I would have learned more by the virtue of not getting stuck with some project.
Of course this applies as long as you stay within the same field; it doesn't help learning gardening one day but karate the following.
But even then, there are so many hobbies in life that the chance of finding the one that you love and are the best at are very slim. So switching out of the least pleasant ones might bring you to a favorite one.
But, let's go back to programming.
Here, people recommend finishing things as means to become profitable. If you want to live as a gamedev, then you need to sell games, and to do that, you need to finish games.
That is understandable.
But if gamedev isn't your main profit, why is finishing games a requirement?
What's the point of publishing a game that you know looks like shit?
Why? Why should you put time and energy, pain and stress, all the way through the end only to finish or even publish a game that you can feel ashamed of how awful it looks? (because most 1st games look awful).
Why would you ever want to finish something that looks horrible?
First tries are always terrible, and that's fine, nothing wrong with that.
What's wrong is this sheepthought that you should publish to the public every turd that you can produce in your early learning stages.
I've been a programmer for almost 8 years now. I'm not the best out there, but I consider myself ok.
And considering I had some pretty deep depression pits thanks to this mentality, here's my advice to folk having stress with unfinished projects: don't give a single fuck.
If a side project has become stressful, shelf that shit, maybe tell someone about your issues with it. But don't care much about it.
In fact, if you manage to finish a project but it has costed you a great deal of stress, maybe that should be the shameful thing.
Life is too short to waste it considering suicide because you're not a prolific programmer.
And i would argue that iterating 100 times on different things is far more productive (and fun) than fetting stuck or spending shitloads of time on the first one, even if you don't finish any of them.2 -
Webpack? More like Fudgepack 😡
OK sure, I know it's cool to rip on Webpack without taking 5 minutes to understand it, but I really have tried. Every time I want to do anything which used to be trivial with grunt, gulp or brunch, it requires a whole bunch of sorcery and every post I see online around the same topic inevitably ends with something like "that's not modular", "WebPack doesn't work like that", "you're holding your phone wrong" etc. And it's not like I'm someone who is afraid of new or uncomfortable things. I try new languages almost as often as there are new JavaScript fads (OK maybe not THAT often). I use "weird" keywords and experiment with different key maps all the time. I swap my daily window manager on an almost quarterly basis (and xmonad is no picnic as an introduction to Haskell). But what the fuck is it with so many people in positions of influence in the frontend world always taking one step forward, two steps back and an occasional hop sideways when it comes to tooling (and dragging everyone else along with them)?
How did such a turd of a tool become defacto for so many frontend frameworks? Do hard core JavaScripters just really really hate outsiders and want to deter others from their precious as much as possible? Fuck Webpack and fuck everyone responsible for helping it permeate so thoroughly through the software development industry.2 -
FFS, fucking Fuckbook and their fucking new wall system
I have posts from pages I am particularly not interested in at all (ie, all pages I see), I get a post with the recent Khimbho app story, I proceed to hide all posts from this page, and keep scrolling. The fucking next post is, guess what, another one with the Khimbho thingy, from another page. Hidden again. I have 4-5 more posts like these on my wall, among other posts which I also hide.
I then close my FB tab, and when later on I come back on it:
"ÜBERHOT WHOOPY CONTENT: KHIMBHO APP WAS TAKEN DOWN FROM THE PLAY STORE"
...
<take a deep breath>
...
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU STFU GET OFF MY LIFE FUCKING RUBBISH SPAMMY FUCKPAGE TURD CRAP SHOVE YOUR WALL UP YOUR RECTUM AND THROUGH YOUR DIGESTIVE SYSTEM, TAKE IT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND REPEAT UNTIL YOU'RE TRANSFORMED INTO A FUCKING PILE OF MESS READY TO BE THROWN IN A TRASHCAN SO YOUR CORPSE WILL BECOME HOME TO A SPECIAL BREED OF FLIES THAT WILL HUNT DOWN PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND FUCKING EAT YOU ALIVE
Man I'm pissed. -
Make your code available for your team members, please.
So we're working on this robotics project using ROS, a framework that enables multiple nodes in a network exchange their functionality among each other through tcp connections. Each node can be implemented and executed on your own machine, and tested with dummy inputs, but in collaboration they make a robot do fancy stuff.
The knowledgebase needs data from the image processing unit, providing this data to others with semantic context to high level planning, which uses this semantic data for decision making and calling the robot manipulation node with meaningful input, to navigate the robot's components in the environment. We use a dedicated machine, which pulls the corresponding repositories and is always kept configured correctly, to run each node, such that everybody has access to each other's work when needed.
So far so good. We tried to convince the manipulation guy (let's call him John) to run his code on our central machine, not a week, but since the first day, 5 months ago. Our cluster classification has been unavailable for 2 months, but my collegue fixed that. We still can't run the whole project without John's computer. If his machine blows up we're fucked.
Each milestone feels like a big-bang-test, fixing issues in interfaces last-minute. We see the whole demo just moments before our supervisors arrive at the door.
I just hope he doesn't get hit by a truck.2 -
that moment when your internal repos are managed in composer and you have the `require` block set, but some fuckwit decided not to define their git remotes in the repositories, because 'thry are used only in applications where all required components are set'... Fuck your fucking fuck of a brain you fuck turd...
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Just please make the rule, if you don't have a cookie, don't show the pop up asking you to register for shit. If I haven't been to your site before, I DON'T WANT TO SIGN UP TO ANYTHING BADGER TURD!! Are there people that actually do that? If so, they deserve a whole evening talking to a project manager about their next great idea. Or, being flayed with a potato peeler. Which ever is worse.1
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relativity of paths:
the fact that "paths relative to where the user is launching the program from" EVEN FUCKIN EXIST is such a fuckin idiotic thing.
it means that there's ONLY SINGLE ONE SPECIFIC (unknown to the user) PLACE FROM WHICH TRYING TO RUN A PROGRAM WON'T FAIL.
which is the most moronic thing ever.
and, as usual, linux bullshit turd smell. nobody except linux geniuses could have ever come up with such galactic size bullshit.23 -
Trying Laravel for a few hours...
God I hate it... everything is in dumb places, need to do 3000 things to get something to work that'd take me 5 things in CakePHP... and my folder structure is already cluttered af D:
How do people like this turd D:14
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