Well that was a fun call I just had.

Owner of the company I freelance for: Hey I forgot to tell you something.

Me: What?

Owner: I bought you a plane ticket to fly to Puerto Rico. You're heading out in a month.

Me: What?! Why????

Owner: To set up cryptocurency mining rigs.

Me: Just because I know a bit about mining doesn't make me an expert.

Owner: We have $80k in our pocket in investments from outside parties, with another $20-30k on the way. You get 20% of the coins mined for as long as you manage it.

Me: So we're gonna set up several rigs, utilizing a b250 motherboard, g4400 CPU, 8GB of RAM and 10 GPUs each. We'll have AMD rigs for monero and Nvidia rigs for Ethereum and others. We'll use awesome miner for profitability switching on the fly. Each machine is probably going to be $5k each, possibly $4k with bulk discounts. We'll need at least 1500W per rig for power, 2000W to be safe, so we need to make sure we have ample power delivery to the mining warehouse.

Owner: I thought you weren't an expert?

Me: I'm not, but when there's money involved my motivation to Google goes into overdrive.

"We are looking for a GDPR expert to be hired in our company"

"I am an experienced data protection manager"

"Oh, fine! May you give us your phone number?"

"No"

"Your email address?"

"No"

"You're hired"

I am not expert but what kind of UX writing is this.
Do they think this is cool ?

So I met this dumb fuck old guy in his late fifties.

He said is in an expert in programming and asks me how do I create a web page.

I said, "I use HTMl, CSS and maybe JS".

Dumbfuck: No how do you create it?

Me: I use notepad, maybe?

Dumbfuck: I use MS Word

Me: So you use it as a editor?

Dumbfuck: No, even to design and position everything in HTML only.

Me: How is that even possible without CSS.

Dumbfuck: Create whatever design you want including buttons and their placement and text alignment. Save the file as .HTML

People around start applauding.

Me: dafaq! 😲😒

That moment when an SEO 'expert' asks if changing ip addresses will put his sites lower in Google.

I'm a fucking Linux engineer, how am I supposed to know that?!

Please live up to your fucking title "SEO *expert*" and don't ask some innocent Linux engineer about this shit 😡

Beginner and an expert

An SEO expert walks into a bar, pub, liquor store, brewery, alcohol, beer, whiskey, vodka

Boss: The site is slow, just redo the site in HTML5. HTML5 is fast.

A SEO expert walks into a bar, pub, drinks, beer, alcohol

Friend sees me learning React js.

Friend: "Why are you always studying? Your exams are over and you already have a job."

Me: "Because I don't know it and it looks interesting?"

Friend: "What a waste of time..."

I try to upskill myself and friend gives me shit.

He's the type of guy that would watch a 5min YouTube video on a topic and suddenly become an expert in it.

I believe that a day without new knowledge is a waste of a day.

Dont know if that's normal or I'm just weird. But I still stand by it.

An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, beer garden, lounge, pub, tavern, night club, mini bar, drinks.

Not a rant, but this is so true!!

Sales Guy: Hey Man, you know what? you should go back to college and advance your knowledge in Software Engineering. This way you will be an expert in programming and handling the Servers.
Me: I started programming at the age of 17 and started handling servers by the age of 18. Can I ask you something if you don't mind?
Sale Guy: Yea sure I don't mind anything
Me: Get the fuck out of here

The moment you realize you're just good at googling and not an expert in programming...

That's when the internet connectivity is down!

> Claims to be a security expert and an Anonymous member

> His router uses WEP as encryption

Expert Beginner

I ranted about this guy before who thought he was a security expert while hardly knowing what the word is probably. Today I met him again at a party.

Holy fucking shit, this guy.

"we use the best servers of the netherlands"
"we use a separate server for each website and finetune them"
"we always put clusters under servers, that way we have a fallback mechanism"
"companies mostly use bv ssl certificates"
"you're on call for a week? I'm full-time on call. Why I'm drinking alcohol then? Because fuck the clients hahaha"

😥🔫

that's how we became developers :D

Work: try this
Me: cool!
I hate it.
I hate it.
I love it.
I hate it.
I love it.
Now I'm an expert.

Expert in NoSQL

–Can you recommend me a GDPR expert?
–Yes!
–Can I have their email address?
–No!

"I became an expert in 3 programming languages in 6 months with this new online course! Click here to order now!!"

When I was looking for an internship...

- Hello, I noticed your cv and you have a great portfolio! Are you familiar with responsive design?
- I have a basic knowledge on that, i am not an expert.
- Ok, can you come for an interview on Monday?
-Sure

Monday morning....
Interview with CEO...

- What's your experience with responsive design?
- I have a basic knowledge on that, i am not an expert.
- Sorry I need someone expert
- But the job is for junior dev and it's an internship
- Yes but man hours of someone to training you will be a cost for me.
- Ok, thank you
(Step before closing the door)Btw you should had check my portfolio, 4/8 websites are responsive.

Guns should be illegal. Otherwise I swear I'll end up shooting someone the next time they ask me to "implement this feature, it will only take 5 mins".

Those who don't know programming should keep their "expert advice" to themselves

Sorry John Doe, you're application for this job has been rejected. As we specified for this job you need to know about GitHub. In your CV you stated that you are an expert in git but our job requires the knowledge of hub as well. Good luck next time

On being a woman in tech...

You lads probably have (and my fellow ladies certainly have) heard of "impostor syndrome" and, if you don't experience it, you possibly wonder what living with it is like.

Here's an example from this weekend.

Be me, about 5 years into my career, graduated from a top college, feeling decent but still unsure of skill.

Company gets a 4 week trial of an online learning website. It includes optional assessments, so that you know where in the video lessons to start. Rankings are novice, proficient, expert.

Hear from our QA that he got ranked "proficient." Which is a pretty broad category, but I become super afraid that I'll also be assessed as "proficient" and it will look like I have the same dev skills as a fucking QA (our management overlords can see our scores).

Boyfriend has me do some deep breathing before starting the test, because it's obvious how stressed I am.

Finally take it and get ranked "expert", in the 97th percentile, even though some technical difficulties made me miss four questions in a row. I decide to use my do over, and get ranked "expert" again, this time in the 99th percentile.

You'd think I'd be like, "Lawl, I can't believe I'd get the same score as our QA!" And there is some of that. But there's also the thoughts of, "that test could have been more thorough," "that score wasn't real because I resaw a question and got the right answer the second time," and "99th percentile isn't that great on a platform where new developers are over represented."

And this is all despite the fact that, if you were to ask someone how confident I am, the answer would probably "confident as hell."

Not saying this to start any fights. Figured it could be some interesting insight into a world that some people don't experience! (not that males aren't allowed to have impostor syndrome!)

My life has been set to expert mode by default.

This shit keeps getting harder and harder...

"Please make the splash screen longer, 3-5 seconds at least"
So you are the "mobile UX expert"? Do you realize people want to achieve things without wasting time and patience? In 5 seconds I may get distracted with a notification or anything else IRL and I I'll even forget I ever opened your app. Puf, you lost a potentially paying user.
All this just to give some fu***** visibility to some small logos of your sponsors. What about an about page so everybody is happy?

In few hours I was with client showing his website after long time coding and designing.

Client: I think this is it, here your final $$

Me: Me thanks sir and bye

A guy came in.

Client: Oh! Wait, this guy is our it expert let see if he have any advise.

Me: Oops! Okay

Guy: So this website will showcase our products

Me: Yes,

Guy: What about security because I just got news that Russian hacked one big company.

Me: I don’t think Russian have time to hack your one page website

Out of the door...

Expert in NoSQL

Putting a (programming language) sticker on your laptop automatically makes you an expert in the language, guaranteed. 💯

We've got a team of around 20 developers and the most junior of them all is a interesting specimen.

The kind of person who thinks they a 'expert' in anything and everything and is constantly trying to school our senior developers who have 20+ years experience behind them.

The sort of person that spends 15 seconds googling something he has never heard of before, but now that he has skimmed 1 page on Google would classify himself as a 'expert' in said topic.

He comes into my office yesterday and proclaims that it has been decided by himself that he no longer wants to be a developer anymore and wants to do Ops/Infrastructure, then starts rambling on about how he is a Kubernetes expert.

I asked what experience he had with Kubernetes and his response was "I watched a webinar they did last night" to which I asked if he had ever actually used anything to do with Kubernetes in his life.

"No, but I'll watch a few YouTube videos and will then be more than qualified" he says

Followed by him telling me that we'll be moving all of our current Docker Swarm clusters into Kubernetes.

This was news to me (I'm head of infrastructure and operations)

I needed a good giggle, so I asked why we would get rid of our exisiting Docker infrastructure that's got a 100% uptime over the past 2 years and has worked without failure. It's truely been a dream.

He says "Because it's shiny and cool and better"

The nest afternoon he comes to me and says "When I move everything into Kubernetes I am going to convert everything into micro services"

He says that he watched a YouTube video the night before on microservices and has decided that it's what we need to use for a particular project.

(It's a simple php website that gets 100 hits per day)

Hopefully his boss will notice that he is producing no output soon. Don't want to tell the manager that the guy he hired delivers no work and lives in a fantasy land.

"your not touching the infrastructure. Ever"

A developer's worst nightmare is having amnesia.
Imagine being an expert in 6 programming languages and you suddenly lost your memory.

YOU'RE IN DESTINATION FUCKED ALREADY.

Of course I am a UI/UX expert!

In programming what is the difference between an expert programmer and a noob??

- they both Google when they're stuck but expert knows what he's searching for and noob learns about what he's searching for!!

So according to my manager, who isn't even a graduate, one can become a JAVA expert in one week by spending one hour everyday to learn the language.

An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, inn, tavern, public house, Irish pub, drink, drinks, beer, alcohol...

I’m a graphs designer, hardware expert, free software generator, marketing evangelist, networking wizard, and troubleshooter bot

Don't apply for a job that you don't like. You're gonna hate your life.

Don't ask for a salary you know you're not worth.

Work in a tech company as much as possible. If you don't, you're gonna be treated as a powerpoint presentation expert, office installation expert, video editor/movie maker expert, IT support guy, loose plug/broken headset repairman, facebook hacker, and a dark magician all at once. Most (not all) tech companies know who you are better. They understand your needs better.

I dont trust people who have LinkedIn tagline with any of these combinations.

Blockchain
Machine learning
Artificial Intelligence
Expert
Mentor
Advisor
CTO
Startup

No one is expert, you just have to start

Beginner: I wrote 1,000 lines of code!
Intermediate: I deleted 1,000 lines of code!
Expert: I prevented code from being written!

An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, tavern, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer, alcohol.

Just spoke with a guy who considers himself a PC expert.

He: You can always recover your offline data from your PC, even if you burn it.

Me: You just need to remove your hard drive.

He: Even if you remove your hard disk, offline data can be recovered from from RAM memory.

Me: WTF?? * Trying to explain him that RAM is a volatile memory*

He: Yeah but you can recover it from the BIOS.

Me: r u serius right now??

And I can continue, because we've unfortunately talked for about an hour.

Why these people consider themselves experts and why the fuck do they have to teach you things that the don't know. FML

Our professor in our college deliberately makes a mistake in the program and ask people how it happened.
If someone solves it he complements them and it really makes them feel motivated.
I think he is the best professor 😊😊

Someone just rang the IT Helpdesk moaning that outlook wasn't syncing his mail and it was because the brand new laptop he's just gotten is crap.

So first, the guy on the helpdesk asked to log into the users laptop to look at outlook.
He apparently isn't at his laptop and doesn't have time for anyone to log in!
Wtf lol
So he rings back 10 mins later when at his laptop but wont let the helpdesk log in as he has 'confidential' documents open.

Wtf, close them, why are you ringing us to look at your laptop if you won't let us log on?? lol

So helpdesk was like ok, just check cat cable is plugged in, check wifi is off, do a send/receive etc. and the user's like yes, they're all okay!

Helpdesk tells him to reboot his pc. He does so.
Doesn't resolve it.
Skip forward another 10 painful minutes while the helpdesk guy is pulling his hair out checking everything in the background, and all looks fine.

User then says "should i also turn off my iPhone?"
Helpdesk: 'No, outlook is just on your laptop'.
User: 'No *assured laugh* its on my phone too. I get emails there too'
Helpdesk: 'No, you use the generic 'Mail' app on your phone. Outlook is a separate app. We don't use it.'
User: 'But you're not listening, regardless of the app name, that's my problem, mail's not working on my phone'.
Helpdesk: '.....so why didn't you say so 20 minutes ago when i asked to log into ur laptop?'

User: 'Didn't think it was relevant. Laptop was fine. Assumed you'd know'.

...........

Why.

Why???

Why.

Shockingly, a phone restart fixed it. The user couldn't remember the last time he'd turned the thing off.

A: There is not even a single forum for cyber security. Let's build one.
Me: Are you sure that there is not even a single forum?
A: Yes, I'm a cyber security expert. I have 5 years of experience in this field.
Me: **walks out quitely**

Please, if you're recruiting a freshly graduated or junior developper, DO NOT ask him to be a fucking expert in whatever field or tech you're looking for.

I'm no expert but doesn't Windows use the backslash?

1. When you are inexperienced, probably you’ll need to accept any job.
2. Learn and discover what you prefer to working on.
3. Become an expert on you desired field.
4. You can choose where you would like to work.
Remember friends: Life is to short to work for an asshole.

Scammer calls claiming to be windows security expert.

Them: "sir, your windows computer is sending error code. Please turn it on so I cam Fix it. "

Me: "windows? I have a mac."

Them: "um.... " *hangs up*

Me: gotcha

How to make Xcode crash:
1. type: self.btn
2. Profit!

I need to add this on my CV as an expert in making xcode crash, not implying that Xcode is a shit IDE !!

Those who do not remember history are doomed to have serious backward compatibility problems. -- Expert C Programming

I had a professor in college who was "the expert in java programming language". He had a unique way of teaching.

P: So you save your java file and run this command.
*Some error occurs*
Me: But this is showing some error
P: Exactly. I wanted to show this exact same error so that you learn that this is not how its done. I will let you figure it out how its done and it will be your assignment for the day. Class dismissed.

On my first dev job ever, I got sent to the client's office after studying CSS on my own for 2 weeks.
Client: "So, you're the great expert your manager told me about?"

Let an expert consultant write your code, they say. It will be all right, they say.

Found this today in a legacy codebase.

The SEO expert that doesn't know the difference between h2 and h3...

*describes problem that a system doesn't work behind an nginx proxy, routing to another nginx instance*

*some random "expert" jumps in*

hurrdurr: It works behind nginx proxy, with APACHE, I don't even get why you would want to run nginx behind nginx omg

Me: So, tell me more about what you want me to code.
Friend: Well... Do something nice.
Me: Like?
Friend: I don't know, I thought you're the expert...
Me: You motherf...

Rubber duck didn't understand code. So decided to use the expert for Android.

Meet Little Buggy.

P. S. I have 2 more, makes a complete family! 😀

Me: * Has roughly 1.5 years of PHP experience *

LinkedIn recruiter: Hello Java expert with lots of Oracle enterprise experience, wanna call?

Don't lie in your resume or in the interview.

People know you're not an expert at everything, nobody expects that from anybody (and you should really avoid working for anybody who does)

Rant! ✋😜👍
When a rookie is trying so hard to behave like she is a god damn expert in programmng! 😏🙊🙈

The senior developer who's never had a smartphone in his life gave me a lecture on why my UI improvements to the mobile application were terrible and to revert them. He didn't want to hear squat from me, and was literally saying "You're not gonna win this" while I was trying to argue why these features were necessary.

1 month later, we get a Interaction Design expert to review the app. His recommendations were hardly surprising.

Except, now I have a tighter deadline and will work this weekend. Sigh.

We gave one of our more 'difficult' clients a quote of 30days to rewrite alot of there application. Two hours later we are in a conference call and they have a 'great idea' they will come in for a whole day and share knowledge to speed it up.

For some reason the project manager has decided that it's a good idea for me to be alone in a meeting room all day with 2 people coming in and an 'expert' Skyped in to watch me programming and 'help out'. With all of there knowledge they think it will only take a day...

It's going to be a long Tuesday...

Imagine if programming languages were also written in different regional languages like Java in german,hindi,spanish.
Recruiters will reject you by saying u don't know java in Spanish.We need a java expert in Spanish.😁😁

Browsing job postings, and some of these requirements are just crazy, and/or wtf. Here's an example:

Front End developer wanted, junior to mid-level. An ideal candidate will be an expert in PHP, C#, and Java. Minimum experience of 10 years. Estimated compensation 30,000 per year.

Entry level full stack developer. Must be an expert in SQL. 5 years experience, BS in computer science required.

Web Developer intern - must have 3 years of experience. Must be an expert in x, y, z. This position is unpaid.

Sheeit.

Any train controllers expert? I'd like to hijack this train

Anyone ever seen those expert level explanations in brackets?

I'm taking an entrepreneurship course and there is this one guy who talks empty words just to impress others.

He uses linux and at every single course he opens the terminal just to run the commands "sudo apt update" and "sudo apt remove", the rest of the time he is on discord.

He always switches to the terminal so you can see what an 'expert' he is

TLDR Question:
When do you consider yourself an expert at a language?

More details: there is a really cool Data Science internship opening up near me that I want so badly it physically hurts me, but it asks for expert level knowledge of python, Java, or R.

I’ve only been studying R and Java for like 3 months, and Python for about 8 months, so I’m obviously no expert. When exactly does someone reach that threshold, though? When did you realize you were an expert at a language?

Me: Decentralized, Transparent, Immutable, Trustless ...
Host: Please give a big round of applause for Blockchain industry expert!

Simple and accurate!
UI/UX makes a huge difference to average users. Just because you're the developer/expert user, do not think what's obvious to you is obvious to everyone. Think about being in a bubble. This is why you need collaboration with people in a different scope. Or atleast gather feedback from users.

!rant

"No developer is an expert in every tool. Unless your name is Bucky Roberts."

So I never had a proper education in IT. Started web development as a hobby, then some people started giving me money for it, and here I am, working as a fulltime web dev since 2001 and SEO expert since 2010.

Still, I sometimes wonder how much I really know compared to some fresh coder who just got out of university.

I know how to create great software from A to Z, but still I sometimes get the feeling that I am missing the fundamental basics.

Is that weird?

at a previous job at a shit company ran by bible-thumpers, i was rebuilding the company website for my a-hole boss. I asked him where I should get images from- if there was a stock photo site he preferred or what.
"Just pull them off Google. That's what I do."

Later when I was combing through the site, I saw he'd added images that CLEARLY STATE another COMPANY'S NAME in the image themselves. Nothing like promoting another company on your OWN company website, huh?
(And no, their company name is not ActiveMobi.)

They're still there, 3+ years later. Dumb ass.

I couldn't figure out why my server went down all of a sudden.This seems suited for this week's rant.

Expert fullstack solutions architect here.

WTF!!!!! I officially have someone trying to extort me just had this in my email box this morning!

--------

Hello,

My name is [name removed], I'm an IT security expert and I found a security issue on your website.
This email is personal and in no way related to any of my employers.

I was able to access to a lot of files which contains sensitive data.
I attached a screenshot of the files I found to this email.

I would be happy to give you the method I used to access these files in order to let you fix it.
Would be a monetary compensation possible?

Please forward this email to the right person, if your are not responsible for the security of the website.

Best Regards,
[name removed]

---

He can basically see the contents of my wp-config.php. How has he managed this?

Our website stopped working. A coworker said her guess from an error she saw in the logs was that it might have something to do with a bit of a commented line in .htaccess taking itself out of comment and into code due to a specific set of characters the line contained. I looked at .htaccess and thought “Nah, that can’t be it.” and proceeded to troubleshoot pretty much everything but that. After 30 minutes my coworker opened the file and fixed the comment and all was well. I felt stupid because on our team I’m supposed to be the expert that figures out stuff like this.

SEO expert walket in a bar, pub, beer, irish pub

Tonight i became the resident toy fixing expert...

My former team had an "ux expert" who made ux templates for new features.

For years since he started his job, the team was told that there will be a first face-2-face meeting.

It never came to this point.

Instead all the team know about this guy is that his name is Thomas and that he does all the talk and decisions with our client without a word with the team, bringing their imaginations to li(f|v)e...

Genius! xD

No wonder the team got mad after some water had ran down the river.
At first they only questioned really poor design decisions.
But after a while the productivity of the team dropped, because they weren't willing to accept any of those design decisions.

Boi o boi.
Things escalated pretty well ;)

Saw this job post a while back:

Junior front-end developer

Expert level in: html, css, js, python, c++....

So i tried to tell them, a guy like this dont exsist

Me: so, what are you doing as a developer?
Him: I am full-stack developer, basically ROR...
Me:...! Sorry, do you mean R&D, research and development? Or you mean Aroura DB?
Hi: no man, I am expert in ROR! You can not call your self developer in our days without knowing the on demand technologies!
Me:... Sorry dude, can you please tell me what is ROR, I don't want to lose my title as a developer!!!?
Him: OK, we call Ruby On Rails as ROR.
Me: ~¢°¤”©°$®”«

Only expert developers with nads the size of a small moon test their code on live environments.

i met an old friend in a mall and he start talk about linux

friend: hey i just installed arch linux in my laptop!
me: wow cool! you are so expert.
friend: btw i have a problem with it, how to change directory in their black screen?
me: cd?
friend: no! i didn't use cd. i use flashdisk to install it.
me: ah.. okay.

This rant has been boiling for a long time now so please bear with me. Here it goes.

A slight introduction of the lady working in my office. She's a soft spoken person who works for like 2 hours a day at max (rest of her time goes on surfing facebook etc).

NOW WHAT FUCKING GRINDS MY GEARS IS THAT SHE FUCKING THINKS SHE KNOWS HOW TO "CODE" ONLY BY KNOWING HTML!! FML

She claims of being a Social Media Expert, Digital Guru. But, SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO FUCKING USE GOOGLE TAG MANAGER!!

MY WHOLE FUCKING DAY GETS RUINED BY EVEN INTERACTING WITH HER!!!!!!

I'm not an expert but if you site takes 5 seconds to navigate a step BACKWARDS, consider it inefficient af.

Saw a job posting today for an EXPERT React Native Developer.

At least they didn't ask for years of experience Lol

Right let's get this straight once and for all. Being able to one click install WordPress on your shared hosting account doesn't make you a web developer or ann am expert so please remove this from your social bios on Twitter etc.

This is how Pokémon Go shows errors to its users. It says a generic „Error“ in German with different numbers for different errors.
I am not an UX expert, but isn’t this a really bad practice? The error number has no meaning to the user, so why displaying it? I think it is just confusing and looks ugly 😐

When you are finish doing the UI of the app then your UI/UX expert suddenly want to change everything, because he/she saw much cooler ui in the pinterest. The Horror!

Programming people usually leave to me, but when it comes to ui everyone appears to be an expert.

So i have been working with a so called python expert my manager on a project.
He has 3 years of more experience in python than me.
The best thing is he shows up everyday with random post from stackoverflow to fix our bugs everyday.
And if the code is in python2 he says that only difference is just put () around print and it will work

🤦‍♂️
He earns thrice as much i do

"The definition of an expert is someone who knows what not to do. " - Charles Willson

Ever had people asking you to fix their smart phones because " you know computers" and then you go with " you have a broken scream and no sound , I'm a Software engineer , explain to me how can I fix it "

Then they respond " I don't know , you are the expert , aren't you ?

“Computer science education cannot make anybody an expert programmer any more than studying brushes and pigment can make somebody an expert painter.” − Eric S. Raymond

I'm the git expert at my work. This means every time someone has the slightest issue with git (or the git features in their ide), I get interrupted.

😡😡😡

Also I will say it is fascinating watching people who've used centralised version control all their lives struggle with distributed.

"Do you have my changes? I merged them into your branch..."

"You can commit and not push?!"

When the so called "css expert" ask you why you're implementing so many things in @media all and (max-width: 800px) because it "doesn't change anything"

I had to teach him about responsive web design and chrome developer tools mobile emulation...

A T.A. in my university.
He's kind of a java expert and the class was about advanced oop principles.
But the way he coded live in class and spoke clearly how he approaches the problems was the best thing that I got from the class.

Needless to say, nearly everyone that enrolls in that class, starts to love java afterwards xD

It was my first month as a driver developer fresh out of grad school, at a semiconductor company. There was an elusive memory alignment bug that had eluded the experts on the team. Of course, they had to assign it to me.

I was looking at the code where alignment was being calculated for nested structures case. I saw something funny: "size_t(object)". I asked the expert where it should have been "sizeof(object)". And, sure enough it was!!

I was super-thrilled to have fixed a bug in my first month, which had troubled the team for a long time! ^_^

It's a job description for an entry level Software Developer role at Apple.

Basically they want
- A Front end dev
- A back end dev
- An iOS expert
- A Gimp/photoshop designer
- A streaming data expert
- An Oracle/Teradata expert
- A Kafka expert ( Not shown in the picture)

And on top of that the guy should be able to learn new tech faster.

Do they want a developer or a fucking terminator?

Teacher asks the class:
"How do you become a good developer?"

All the students starts talking about algorithms, problem solving or working in a team.

He nods and starts writing on the board. w w w. g o o g l e . c o m
He then leaves the classroom.

So here I am years later, a master googler and a expert stack overflower.

Fuck Udemy adverty. "You should learn this online machine learning course, it's taught by an 'expert' instructor, you'll learn algorithms in pythaan and 'arr, make robust models, add value to your business." Fuck off with your buzzword mumbo jumbo and just be straight with people, don't treat them like idiots.

"Because every person knows what he likes, every person thinks he is an expert on user interfaces." - Paul Heckel

Selected to be a part of the GitHub Campus Expert Training Program.

@Baguette is apparently a professional sleeper, please teach me, I need an expert in this domain, I can't stand going to work with barely 4~ hours of sleep / night

RedHat Certified Expert in Virtualization

Fucking facebook researcher that make underfitted neural nets and fuck Mark that it's a marketing genius, the only idiot that can make news from a failure. The CEO of Tesla knows it and said Mark is not an AI expert. Bug not feature, it's only a poorly trained and poorly designed neural network having a bad representation of concepts, not a new language and not the fucking apocalypse. Google faced and solved the same issue when start ed using neural nets for zero-shot translations without using english as a translation bridge.

Ad hiring in Iran:
we need a Backend developer who is expert in React, js, scss, and you should have at least 5 years experience in DevOps.
and priority with girls.

PM: You've heard of <thing> before right?

Me: I know the name of it

PM: Perfect, your the subject matter expert now.

Me: thanks...

FUCK MY LIFE!

MY DEPARTMENT IS IN SEARCH OF 3 PYTHON DEVS (1 expert, 2 "normal") FOR DEVELOPING AUTOMATIC THINGS!!! I would seriously apply because it's like my first dev job without having attended University.

But only for two years... After that I have to reapply for my old job.. but it's two (expert 3) salary groups up from mine...

What to do?

Also fuck python but I would learn it for God's sake

Applicant: I have 7 years of experience in software development industry and here is my repo/portfolio for you to look at.

Manager: I don't need it. Take the 5 hours coding exam.

*Applicant scores low

Manager: You didn't score high. Thank for applying at Stack****. Goodbye

Applicant: Wait, sorry but do you judge all applicants only through an exam?

Manager: Yes. Exam tells how expert the applicant is.

Oh for fucks sake, I only agreed to fix one fucking problem in your shit hole of a wordpress hell, not everything your sorry excuse of a "wordpress expert" fucked up.

We need time travel asap!

Well... Well... What a multi-talented personality...
Every connection I see on LinkedIn has these buzz words in their tag line: AI/ML, Cryptocurrency, Blockchain.
This guy even has Smart City...!!!
Don't know how many of them are legit... I just don't understand each of these techs are so vast... Still people manage to get expert in all of them in just few days... What's the secret...?

I'm c# developer and suddenly my manager has told client that I'm a powerbi expert and apparently have been working on it for like 4-5 years. No idea what to say...

"We know you were an intern yesterday, but the last senior (who was actually a junior) resigned so now you have the project and a team of 5 other interns because they all look up to you. Here's 15$/h (actually not a bad salary in my country) for your efforts."
I've become an expert at firefighting with technologies that I haven't heard of an hour ago.

does golangs compiler count as an expert?

tl;dr version: I now hate Windows​.

<background>
I installed​ Ubuntu in dual boot on my PC and I was sceptical.
After one month everything is working perfectly. I'm loving this OS although I still am not an expert, and I doubt I'll ever go back to Windows.
</background>

Now. Today at school we were drawing using a CAD software and, for no reason at all, Windows crashed. This is not a terrible thing, as I usually save often, but this time it also corrupted the file and I had to start from scratch again!

Why Windows, why?

Legit my only answer to fixing shit code for a nursing app at work is.....

Writing more shit code. Man the dude that developed this before had 0 clue what he was doing.....and because shit grew out of control there is shitcode everywhere.

I like writing shit code though. It is good practice.

Writing shit code without knowing is one thing. You really do reach expert level when you write shit code WHILE being fully aware of it.

the moment you see :D

Every security expert ever

"What? You aren't sure where the Android Wifi credentials QR Code scanner is specifically located? But.. Aren't you the expert?" Trying not to freaking boil my blood right now.

Not exactly a dev enemy, but similar.
A new radiation protection regulation has been in force in Germany since 2019. October I finished a super duper important document for this and this has been with the TÜV ever since. First there is nothing happening and then there are allegedly inconsistencies in it, which, however, all of which were due to shoddy work with the "expert."

There is a german word for this type of person: Krümelkacker.
He faults every little thing in side-by-page letters, causes long delays, and in the end is often wrong.
But I have to work with him -.-

Being a junior and part of a small team at a startup, working with a new software architecture, even the team lead is a beginner in it. It feels like I'm at an echo chamber, there's nobody expert enough to look up to if stuck, decisions seem to be based on opinions rather than an architectural design kinda point of view.

Ugh, I hope I'm not the only here ever feeling this way.

Biggest pet peeve is when someone develops a shitty project using XYZ technology/language and a tutorial and they somehow think they know XYZ and all of it's intricacies and are an expert dev in XYZ. 😐😐😐. No you fucking know how to follow a tutorial and you have a small understanding of XYZ. End rant.

!rant

Have to do some JS for a web application.

Problem is I'm not a JS expert at all, and there is already existing code.
Gonna be long.

Gimme your energy so I can do it \o/

o rly?

I just fucking hate android studio it takes 15-30 minute just to load on my machine . can't they just make the whole ide available through browser 😞

Is it me or freelancing jobs at Freelancer are incredibly vague.

Jobs titled "build me a website" with descriptions like "I need an expert dev to work on a python website".

How the hell can you put a price and time to it?!
Am I missing something here? I'm totally new at this and it's kinda baffling.

I'm fed up with this shit. Tomorrow I'm going to work in my "special suit".

AI defense expert

Right now I'm standing in this Apple Reseller store waiting in the line and there's an old man who doesn't understand a fuck of his iPhone, and it turns out it's about setting up his fucksucking mail! I'm waiting for half an hour already, am so fucking done with this.

There's also this useless shit of an "Apple Expert" employee who doesn't do a thing. He constantly walks through the store very nervous and I'm getting fucking sick of this guy...

That moment when: you lift your gaze from your phone to understand the sudden quiet is because your expert opinion is needed in the meeting.

I'm no Nodejs expert but can someone explain how in the fucking world is node_modules folder is that HUGE! on my slow ass internet it takes couple of mins to pull the repo and five mins to finish npm install! and takes so much ram to build a freaking docker container for my react website when it takes barely 300MB to build both MySQL and Asp.Net Core dockers T_T

Content strategy expert: How long would it take to program an SVG animation intro video

Me: I'm not sure I've never programmed one before.(still teaching myself)

Content expert: iS it even possible?

Me: yeah all things are possible in programming ;)

Content expert: so then how long would it take

Me: no.

Content expert: but wouldn't it be easier if...

Me: no, go away

Okay so i graduated last year and got a job working for a place that sadly disappoints me in their web development practices. This place uses a dead technology(my opinion)called Cold Fusion by Adobe. They do not use any form of version control like Git and their sites are very shitty and the design and development is implemented very poorly honestly. It honestly makes me sad that i feel like im smarter than my department vp. That being said i do not feel challenged here and am looking to collaborate in some open source projects via Github preferably.I dont consider myself an expert in this field but i would say im about intermediate level in web development. Im pretty comfortable with HTML,CSS/SASS,PHP,JS/JQuery, and im pretty comfortable in the PHP framework Laravel. So if anyone is interested in collaborating or starting something up, id be so down for it. :)

me reading Expert C Programming, how i feel

I have developed 3 apps so far in laravel and I can say I'm in a mid level between beginner and expert.
But every time I set up a new laravel environment I feel like this is the first time I see laravel.

So, this is apparently how you concatenate a list of Strings or should I say cities 😉 (with a delimiter between each element but excluding the last one)

I wish my esteemed colleague at least had decency to hide the fact he copied it from SO 😭

Question: what's wrong with this code❓

Me: you talk shit
Dude: but... but... but I'm an EXPERT!
Me: so you‘ve been a PERT once?

Well, they are just fucking kidding
Unix guru on entry level... That moment, when you realise that client is too lazy to pick option intermediate or expert, but expects somebody to do evetything

That moment when you're hired as expert of technology A, and the first thing that is asked of you, is to do a PoC of tech A integrated with tech B... and then they assume that you are expert at tech B... and to be as fast as working on thech A

The many things I didn't know I could become an "expert" on in the last few weeks.

"Let the design team be the design experts. Your job is to be the business expert. Ask them how their design solutions meet your business goals. If you trust your design team, and they can explain how their recommendations map to those goals, you’re fine. If you neither trust them, nor can they defend their choices it’s time to get a new design team." - Mike Monteiro

Explaining difficult things in a way that they are understandable by non-expert audiences.

This helps a lot to focus on simplicity when programming. And simple means it'll get understood by your peer programmers, it is simpler to test and it will be easier to maintain, and so on...

What's the actual requirements to be called full stack developer? I do front-end, back-end, database, server, my own api's etc. I even have a t-shirt with "Keep calm and hug a printer". I've been doing this for 15 years and would not call me an expert in any part and certainly not privilegied for the full stack title. So what is?
If this was a humblebrag then please shoot me..

You constantly see these professional profiles with labels such as 'Expert'/10 years experience/senior/CTO/CIO/Consultant.

Isn't it funny when you go and work with these people in the field, they appear to be frauds? How can these people legitimately have these titles and know less than a snotty freshman year student? Their knowledge is so poor, a 14-year old with basic Windows and Javascript knowledge could outmatch them. If only this weren't true.

I think it's very unfair because they attract employers and they even get hired, while some of us with veteran knowledge in several fields don't get considered for a job.

May I add that it's always the funny guys who get a job. Apparently being a relatable frat bro at an interview is more important than having priceless expert knowledge.

Why being an expert in your choice language matters.

Well id definitely like expert help on this

It's a sad fact of life that managing dynamic memory is a very difficult programming task. Some public domain X-Window applications are notorious for leaking like the Apple Computer board of directors -- Expert C Programming

Sometimes I like to see how the other side live and just watch people in a computer store.

There are the nervous tip-toers who don't want to attract attention. The point and lookers, who read the sign and nod and show they understood.

There are the ones who just wander aimlessly trying to look like they know what they want.

Finally there are the 'expert helpers' who know enough 'techie' words to convince anyone around that they know what they're talking about.

It's like a people zoo.

What they say: "we hired a SEO expert to review the webpage"

What I see:

You want me to be an expert in advanced data structures, algorithms, dbms, Oracle, python, machine learning, J2EE just to develop apps for you? If I had been a master of all trades, I would not have come to you in the first place.

My company started to do very unethical things (or maybe even break the law – I'm no expert) in order to cover up some business people fuckups. I'm seriously considering quitting immediately even though I hoped to stay here for some time as I like the people I work with. It's those unimaginative bastards at the top that make it unbearable.

Dev, boss and guy who know logic is looking at the server.
Problem: it's not responding
Boss: we need this running now! Otherwise the sales won't go through
Dev: give me a chance, I just got here
Guy: have you tried turning it off and on again?
They did so and at works.
Boss: guess we don't need to hire another dev, this guy knows what he is talking about, he is some kind of server expert..
Really.........

[Talk by a security expert. The main point was, complexity kills security.]

7 minutes later a friend via IM: Hey, let's use OpenStack! Just 33 micro services to install!

You know when you are suddenly push to a new position that you are not familiar with?

Well I just became a server database/cloud expert. Fuck me.

Been Googling for a while now. If anyone has any advice, I'll appreciate it.

Anything free and open source, even better.

"Your best work is your expression of yourself. Now, you may not be the greatest at it, but when you do it, you’re the only expert." - Frank Gehry

I just got called an expert for using Linux 😂 I'm taking this computer research in Psychology module (Matlab), and I was the only one using Linux.

I am not a math expert but I am almost 100% sure that 617 comes first (this is a bug that happens a lot when searching for top and all)

A famous quote attributed to Jamie Zawinski:
"Some people, when confronted with a problem, think "I know, I'll use regular expressions." Now they have two problems."

I am living this nightmare. Joined a project where schmucks are parsing SQL using regular expressions. Talked to a friend, a compiler developer expert. He told me that regexes can't be used for checking if braces are matched. Pumping Lemma. Those fuckers should have used ANTLR or something. Anyways planning to leave this project.

Ok, all checks out just fine!

Expert, Entry Level?

I work in a company, where prototypes become instantly a product... People are far from being an expert in the technologies we use (technologies which were chosen by management without any further research).

Timeframes are more than short, so there is no chance to learn what you need to know to be able to create something really maintainable and stable.

Guess what - that shit is going to be installed at the customer site, where neither we nor them know what to fucking do if something breaks ...

great

Maybe you guys could help me...
My father just sent me a .xlsxm file (excel + macro file), it's all about horse races and stuff a 60+ years old dude would do :D

The file is pretty neat, but some minors changes needs to be done, but I have no clue where the code is. I found the "macro" part but it's empty, and I'm not surprised since the file itself seems to be generated from C# (Maybe not, I'm not the expert)

Sooo... Can anyone tell me how do I get to this code?

Asking for an expert, what do you think about laracast videos, on php and laravel? (Free course only)

This morning I got a reply to my tech support email:

The problem was that the dynamic pages on my website are no longer being served as dynamic pages and so IIS is throwing errors on every page load. Seems to me like they've done something their end because I didn't touch it when it happened...

The tech support email essentially told me to rename all my files from .cshtml (ie. a dynamic page) to .html.

I'm not expert, but I doubt this is going to solve the problem...

Well, atom won't open. SO, what's the next free editor I will learn to use, configure exactly right, and then need to abandon because it won't fucking open for no apparent reason?

Sure, I could become a certified Atom expert and learn exactly what is going on, but I HAVE FUCKING WORK THAT IS DUE WHAT THE FUCKING HELL

Wishing I could afford PyCharm, maybe I will just try the trial since EVERY editor I have ever used eventually becomes unusable at some point.

Sitting 3h in a bullshit claiming and blaming meeting called 'refinement' as 'the tech expert' while PO and customers fight how stories and bugs should be priorized and importantly enough they discussed why the god damn bugfix isn't alive yet that was promised to be deployed this morning.. I was up to deploy it right the time they said I really have to go to that meeting... Yeah.. Business as usual

Any Symfony expert here? I've got quite a tricky question, that I'd love to disqus with another dev.

It's about twig within symfony. I'd like to add a custom node parser, but not for an own tag, but to set some value on each template if it's not set (which can't be done with globals in this case!). I've thought about using a visitor, but from my understanding it gets executed to late, as it requires (probably) to modify the twig AST at compile/parse time.

My country has the best security experts. They convince people that they are not thiefs, Then when people believe them and give them their data, They change the password.

You either die a POSH expert or you live long enough to become the wizard guy.

As someone who often interviews devs, I can say you should be honest about your abilities. Just because you tweaked someone's Python code doesn't mean you are a Python expert. Stick to the facts on your resume/cv. Also, have a good code portfolio. That shows the interviewer much more than a degree does.

Wanna be rich? Become an independent privacy officer! Rent yourself only to companies that have their shit together and charge thousands just for being a security expert!

Every larger company needs one, but almost none have an employee lawfully qualified to be one... 🤑

experts-exchange.com

Am I the only one who read it like

expert-sexchange.com