Probably the biggest one in my life.
TL:DR at the bottom

A client wanted to create an online retirement calculator, sounds easy enough , i said sure.

Few days later i get an email with an excel file saying the online version has to work exactly like this and they're on a tight deadline

Having a little experience with excel, i thought eh, what could possibly go wrong, if anything i can take off the calculations from the excel file

I WAS WRONG !!!
17 Sheets, Linking each other, Passing data to each sheet to make the calculation
( Sure they had lot of stuff to calculate, like age, gender, financial group etc etc )

First thing i said to my self was, WHAT THE FREAKING FUCK IS THIS ?, WHAT YEAR IS THIS ?

After messing with it for couple of hours just to get one calculation out of it, i gave up

Thought about making a mysql database with the cell data and making the calculations, but NOOOO.
Whoever made it decided to put each cell a excel calculation ( so even if i manage to get it into a database and recode all the calculations it would be wayyy pass the deadline )

Then i had an epiphany

"What if i could just parse the excel file and get the data ?"
Did a bit of research sure enough there's a php project
( But i think it was outdated and takes about 15-25 seconds to parse, and makes a copy of the original file )

But this seemed like the best option at the time.
So downloaded the library, finished the whole thing, wrote a cron job to delete temporary files, and added a loading spinner for that delay, so people know something is happening
( and had few days to spare )

Sent the demo link to client, they were very happy with it, cause it worked same as their cute little excel file and gave the same result,

It's been live on their website for almost a year now, lot of submissions, no complains
I was feeling bit guilty just after finishing it, cause i could've done better, but not anymore

Sorry for making it so long, to understand the whole thing, you need to know the full story

TL:DR - Replicated the functionality of a 17 sheet excel calculator in php hack-ishly.

When you are a coder and still go to school...

FAQ:
1. Can you hack?
2. Did you already hack the NSA?
3. Did you ever enter the darknet?

You think developing websites cross browsers is hard

Try developing emails.

tables, inline css, Outlook developers on drugs, Gmail developers trying to get high, and abandon most of the things you know about modern web standards

So our company hired a new COO few months ago, and he oversees digital department as well

recently he called the digital department into his office to talk about a new campaign for a client, and client's mascot is a ladybug, so he goes like this

COO: So i was thinking, we need to make people more aware about the new branch opening

COO: I have a creative / innovative idea, we probably can get an award for this and I'm sure client will be really impressed with this. Why don't we put ladybug​s on Google homepage, just walking around flapping their wings and stuff, i mean everyone visits Google right ?

Our Team: awkwardly looking at each other
Me: 😐😐😐😐
( I was confused what to think )

Then our designer calmly explained him why it wouldn't work while we were trying our best not to laugh

how the fuck someone like him manage to stay alive all these years and become a COO, i mean he doesn't have to know it all but damn this is common sense

So we had this girl working with us as a graphic designer, she has a great sense of humor and pretty much impossible to piss her off

So April 1st is considered "a fool's day" here, on March 31 i sent an official looking email to everyone ( minus the seniors ) in our office saying how she's kinda shy about having her birthday on April 1st and everyone should wish her so she wouldn't feel awkward about it

Needless to say her actual birthday is not in April

So when she came to office on 1st, everyone started wishing her and singing Happy Birthday, she spent whole day explaining to everyone that came to wish

It was awkward as hell and pretty hilarious 😂😂

⚪Present yourself properly

⚪Have a basic idea about the company and the role you're applying for

⚪Be respectful and pleasant to everyone when you go to an interview

⚪Day before the interview, go over the interview in your head and prepare as much as you can ( this way you'll be more comfortable in the actual interview )

⚪Figure out and prepare your "Strength and weakness" answers

⚪Don't lie on your resume or in the interviews, if you don't know something, simply say "I'm sorry i don't have experience with that”

⚪Being nervous is ok, but try to relax and answer the questions correctly and clearly

⚪Don't give up and join something that's not worth investing your time

Dad : Stop playing games so much
Me : I'm working on a project dad, not playing games
Dad : Then what do you call that *points to my 2nd screen on the side*
Me : That's the project, i'm making that game
Dad : Sure you are
Me : *changes bunch of stuff* see...
Dad : Ok i believe you *leaves the room*

Take a break folks,
From work,
From code,
From tension,
From bugs,

Take a car, drive to the country side, breathe the fresh air, ride horses,
Have a meal, stay for a day or two, without internet, and then Be back to work.

This is what we all need now :D

Manager : Developers are always over optimistic.

Dev : this task will take 4 days.

Manager : can't you complete it in 45 minutes? What are the complexities involved?

Dev : okay. I can. Thinks ** I'm a ninja developer** and I can complete this.

*** finishes it in 4 days***

Manager : That's what I said. Developers are always over optimistic.

Developer : -_-

Started with my Rubber Duck collection #love
:D

To all newbie developers,

Before you ask a doubt about an issue to someone else,

Try doing an initial investigation to find the root cause,
Look into the logs,
Find the stack trace,
Google things,
Have breakpoints and try to debug.

You come to me with a weird NullPointerException and ask me why,
Without even looking into the logs once? We ain't God bro.

I had enough of these "Recruiters" bugging me and decided to reply

Fucking take a minute read the god-damn description of the profile to see if they have those skills mentioned at-least

It's how my co-workers and I quit,
When the incompetent COO joined the previous company I worked for (my previous rants contain stories about him)

Five of us from a seven people team found better jobs (salaries and company wise)

Walked up to the CEO and handed the resignations one after another, stating our reasons for leaving

COO's face was like a coin that got run over by a train

Vertical Aligning in CSS before flex

Shortest freelancing horror story :

No Jobs.

Want to see the Most incompetent co-worker?

My mind : See yourself in the mirror :(

What a beautiful community it is,
Finally found my place :)
DevRant

Gets to the final round and performs really well :

You performed really great, but we don't want developers now :) thank you for participating.

So far 9 people left because of that newly hired COO ( check my previous rants ), 4 from digital department including the manager

Enjoy making the company bankrupt asshole !!!

Beep beep.
Beep beep.
Beep beep.
Developer in stress.
Beep beep.

DevRant to the rescue

'I work in IT'

Most common way to describe every developers job.

Today a new person joined the team.

Started bitching about the entire team for not having documentation for our already written code and software.

Asks the manager for a new task that he can take up so that he can write documentation for all our already coded works.

Manager says Go On.

Troubles me with 400 questions every 3 minutes in the name of Knowledge Transfer for writing his documentation.

Sends a proud mail to the team for writing this new documentation that no one else had time to do.
He is a newbie and had no other task to do anyway.

I seriously don't know if I should feel proud of him, for writing new documentation,
Or if he's doing this to defame me.

The team is filled with snakes.

Me : Posts a original developer joke after thinking for 15 long minutes.

Gets 20 ++'s.

Me : Posts random computer science joke stolen from Facebook that everyone would have already seen.

Gets 200++'s.

Fuck this shit.

I doubt my skills every day.

Whenever i get a new problem to solve, I'm afraid I might not be able to solve it.

But at the end, I do.

Anyone else felt the same?

Adventures​ Of The New COO

So when that new COO joined our company ( read my previous rant to know that story ) he brought a graphic designer with him

as a designer he's ok, more of a old school package designer type, but as a person one of the most annoying one I've ever met, always want to be included with our conversations, talk about rain and stuff

so few days ago, i was working on a website, headphones plugged in, music playing, he comes near my seat

Designer​: Are you busy ?
Me: yeah, I've this website to finish
Designer: So i have this idea for an app
Me: *taking off headphones while thinking doesn't this dumbass know the meaning of busy*
Designer: what if we create an app for super markets, like this isle has this stuff, that isle has soap or something and how it'll be easy to find what you want to buy and keeps going on and on for about 5 minutes
Me: *making my voice as polite and sarcastic as possible*
It wouldn't work, every market has a different layout even among same market chain it's different
Me: have you ever been to a super market, they have a board saying what the isle is above the isle, all you have to do is just look up
Designer​: hmm yeah i guess
*walks away*

everyone​ wants to make apps and make money, but doesn't have the fucking brain capacity to think about the idea for a bit and do some research, instead they come and waste our time

That one guy in the team,
Who builds things and knows stuff about the things he has built and doesn't document it :) doesn't document anything about it.

Fuck you man. Seriously, you need me to come everytime to you and ask you about it?

Fuck you.

Literally, Fuck You!

Life is like code,
Your loved ones are your IDE,

You can be good with code without an IDE,
but it makes things much more smoother when you have one :D

Life quote :)

Dealing with non-dev people.

End of adventures of the COO and Start of a new beginning

It takes years to improve a company and takes only a few months for a dumbass with shit for brain to take it all down

After four years working ( underpaid ) in a digital advertising agency helping the company grow, getting global exposure and few awards later, last Friday was my last day

To all the future and current CEO's out there, Don't hire someone just cause you know them, hire them for their skills or their brain power

I've seen fucking clay pots with more brains than this COO

I was paying GTA Vice City when i was in high school and wanted to make a game

I started learning Graphics, Video Editing, 3D and Coding for that

One thing led to another, now I'm a Frontend Lead

PM and UX designer talks.

About a feature on android with viewpager (swipeable views) and a header with buttons.

PM : We need a back button and a close button on the header.
UX : A customer will be confused by both, with the swipe too.

PM : Then we need a close button alone.
UX : Customer will search for back button and not everyone might swipe left.

PM : We need a back button alone.
UX : Customer might not know how to close the view. He can't keep going back back back.

PM : we don't need any buttons.
UX : Customer should find it easy to close or go back.

PM : bruv.

Those GDPR nag screens actually are more damaging than useful. Nobody has the energy to jump through the hoops all different sites set up for you to opt-out of tracking. Yet you will constantly see those pages if you have opted out.

If you use some privacy extensions that block tracking cookies and stuff, you will keep getting those nag screens, because they have no idea whether you have seen it or not (because of no tracking)

So browsing the web has become the constant of:

1) Search something
2) Deal with nagscreens
3) See the page
4) Go to other page
5) Repeat from step two

I wonder what this will lead to? People are less likely to visit random pages and stick to ones they have account on? Will darknet become more popular? Will somebody design some standard way to get rid of this nagscreen wave?

True quote :
A full stack developer uses jsonlint more than an IDE.

:(

When you boast to your dad/mom about the code write,

And they ask you to fix their washing machine.
:'(

A developer poem :

A developer is fond of ducks,
Because they don't give fucks :D

Real story :

There's this one colleague, who was a very good friend of mine. Always helped me in everything. That one friend in the team, who shares a lot of stuff with you.

And she suddenly, turns offensive when it comes to professional things and mainly competitive stuff in the team.
She becomes a completely different person when I get recognition for something in the team or when I become popular in the team.

She has that feeling that she should always stay in the lime light.
When I steal the show by doing something good, she starts to show faces.
Decided that it is a unhealthy friendship, as the friend i knew is no longer a friend when it comes into professional behavior at work,
And it started reflecting a lot in our personal friendship, outside work too.

Decided to cut the friendship and only be colleagues.

Did the same happen to someone else? Did you lose a friend because of things like this?

Broken teams,
define Agile principles in 2 lines :

Take 2X to your velocity,
and work 80hours a week ;)

How does the darkweb _actually_ work?

Edit: oops, wrong category. Sawy!

Does wearing nerd glasses help you code better?

One Pro Tip for all developers :

(in my experience - a short story)

Our team chose agile development. We have items to deliver each sprint.

I was the guy who would always slip in my tasks due to issues that would pop up.
It was due to my own faults, I was less careful and failed to concentrate on one single item when I was working.
I started slipping a lot and my manager started questioning me on my performance. I tried a lot of productivity apps and other methods. Nothing seemed to change my life.

One day, An experienced person in the team said to me,
"Start Going to the gym" and it'll change everything.

I enrolled to the nearest gym and started working out every morning. Had sore arms /legs in the first few days. Nothing seemed to change.

After one week, my work patterns changed. I automatically started to work with a lot of concentration. I still don't know how things changed.
After 2 weeks, everything was completely different.

I was able to complete my sprint tasks in the first few days and started contributing to others work. Got a lot of recognition. My work was recognized a lot and my manager appreciated me.

So this is a real life changer folks.

"start hitting the GYM", and it'll change your life.

Please try it out and tell me how your work patterns change.

I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS !!!

After seeing bunch of posts about Enki, decided to give it a try,

enters my info on the sign up page
*email address is already taken* : WHAT !!

changes email address
*your username is already taken* : WHAT !!

goes back and search if there's any mails from Enki
*no results found* : Dafuq !!

Requests password reset
*Receives first mail from enki ever, with a reset link*

Did they change their name from something else to Enki or they have bunch of emails in their database to showoff user base ?

Can anyone shed some light on this, cause I'm 100% sure i didn't sign up for this before.

after resetting the password I'm able to login, but in the Notification section it says
*your email is not confirmed*

well i would confirm it, WHEN I GET IT !!

##Design to front-end conversion

Me - Send me the designs so i can start working it

Graphic Designer - Done ( Sends PSD files )

Me - Send me them separately, element by element, with transparency, color codes and flattened designs not PSD's

GD - Done

Me - Opens email to see elements that should be transparent saved as jpg's

Me - Opens PSD's, crop and save elements.

Meanwhile explains next time do this and that so it'll be easier.

Usually this happens few times a month

"Can you buy a taser from the darknet? A colleague of mine wants one."

What cloud service does DevRant use?

Aws Or Azure?
And how much do you pay a month for maintenance costs?

What tables to store data? MongoDB, dynamoDB, oracle?
Or S3 streams?

Just wondering.

Gives an award winning VR idea to our 'Digital Manager'

Says it's too hard for us to do ( it wasn't ) , goes out and pitches it to another digital agency for 'Help', ( mainly coz of the freelance commission )

They go ahead with the idea and make their campaign with it.

we don't get anything. no credit, nothing.

I wonder how the hell someone become a manager with that much of stupidity.

Started playing WatchDogs2,

Now i feel like a real hacker :D

Project manager talks like,
Its going to change the entire customer experience.

What actually changed :
Changed the icon of the button, that the customer never uses.

:D

After coding for 3 hours,

Brain : 'Muhahahhahahaha'
(:

Dev Goal : Fix the bugs you said you will solve in 2015, but are still open,
Because you know what fix to do,
And you are too lazy to do it.

And too busy, creating half baked, hacky fixes for new exciting problems.

:D

You truly question decision of studying in the current place of employment when you make more money with a side hustle than the salary couple of months in a row

That feeling when you think your workflow is bad and happens to see"Professional" Degree level team of coders writing crap code with even crappier workflow

Today :
There are Apps to,
Drink water
Walk
Learn languages
Learn new things
Entertain
Increase productivity
Kill time
Make new friends
Order and eat food
Shop
Transport
...

God bless us,
There's an app for everything in this world

PS : someone soon is gonna come up with an App that helps you track and take a shit :(

Ads on youtube,
Pop up Ads on games,
Ads on torrent sites,
Pop up Ads on porn pages,

There are people who are happy that they get money out of them,

And, there are People who think it is unfair to have so much ads.

Which person are you?

*3.5 Years ago, before when i joined the previous company

Manager: Where you'd be like you be in 5 years

Me: TBH, Upskilled and migrated to a different country

Pandamic: No you don't

ffffff.....

Fuck on call.

Person : Today you worked for 18 hours. What did you accomplish?

Me : I did no progress in the code base.

Person : How is that possible? You were on the IDE all the time.

Me : When you have a huge package pulled in, that takes 3 hours to build, for every single change you do,

And the build path is screwed :D

Today a senior developer and a colleague started looking into my code reviews and started commenting best practices that were never used in the team.
Got my chance back at the senior developer's code when he raised a code review, which had none of the best practices.
Gave back a good set of review comments to him :D
Karma is a boomerang :)

And there's always this one answer on stack overflow, that one guy,
Who searches for the same on google, copies and pastes it on stack overflow :D

Pro TIP :

If you have a lot of work and SOMEONE from your team is disturbing you every hour,
Move away (alone) to a meeting room, away from your stupid teammates for one day. For High productivity work.

help me devrant - have to Explain my classmates how the Internet and the Darknet works.

Life quote : Your Karma is directly proportional to the Number of bugs you get, when you are on call.

:D

Developer in anger : I'm gonna leave this team and the manager/team will suffer for my loss and the project will fail.

In the meanwhile,

Manager to the senior manager : If one of the developers die or leaves the team, the project deadline extends by 1 month.

Senior manager : Great.

Monday morning,
I grab a cup of coffee, and move to my desk happily,
With a smile on my face and with the excitement to have a productive day,
I open my laptop to check my mails.

"3 Escalation mails + 1 mail that proves i'm stupid, with the entire team in CC."

:'(

Things you like/dislike about the darknet?

At the end of the day,

When you realise that this Bug is not that easy,

And go home sad :(

This story happened to everyone, and i am sure that if i search, i will find dozens of similar stories, but the different here is, i tried, i really tried, in a hundred different ways to achieve my goal !

When you are stuck on a problem, let's say, that you have a program, project, website ... and need to achieve something technically weird (or hard) and need some help to save you time on experimentations. The first thing a lot of people do is : Google.com && put search dorks.

But, at a moment, google gets "dirty", you use it so often that he always think to know better then you what you are looking for.

It reminds of "Ted", the movie (for thows who know it) where they asked : "Hey ! Why does google always suggest us to look for black dicks ??"

It is exactly what happened to me, i got results who doesn't have anything to do with what i was looking for !

You can give it a try now : type "semantic web RDF to RDB"

You won't find anything, except results related to : NOSQL DBs, which is totally annoying.

Something else, i once google swift to get some updates, what results did i got ? Taylor Swift ... (musician)

I often get 2 or 3 results from google, which made me thinking that i somewhat reached the end of internet, or that people are so dumb that i will have spend hours trying to figure my solutions, but, before doing that, other solutions had to be tested.

1- TOR : Google tracks his users and uses its algos and bullshits to return results as close as possible to the user's demand (big fail ...) so how about moving to a different country ? DL TOR browser, open, setup, go to US, open google (got us version YAY !) enter my keywords, and, nothing, still nothing, more results for sure, but nothing related to what i was looking for.

2- VM
Pop a VM, launch TOR, use Hidden mode, delet all cookies and stuff (it is a new VM but who knows).
Use keywords (now in UK). Here they are !! my results !!! i finally found some decent results about my keywords !

But, i have the required knowledge to do this kind of stuff, but how about people who rely heavily on google ? they can't change country, clear everything, trick google to think you are a new user, they have almost biased and flawed results. I tried duckduckgo (i love them) but they are not that efficient.

Google says not to anything evil, but they ARE EVIL, miss guiding people, suggesting corrections who have nothing to do with the keywords, or results totally unrelated in any way to the keywords while results exist in other countries ???

Ever since, i don't pay attention to google at all, and started thinking that google's algos are manipulating people, i don't know if it is done on purpose or not, but the result is the same, people have biased results based on their country, on their tag, on their ID, and the recent keywords.

During that period i was cursing google every funcking day, and i am still doing it, too much trackers, too much manipulation, i will end-up enclosing myself in darknet.

There should be algorithm in DevRant to identify duplicate photos - same memes/photos posted in the last 48hours or less.

To stop seeing the same meme posted by 5 developers on the same day.

Thoughts?

Monday morning.

That uneasy feeling on your stomach when you feel upset about Monday morning.

Is there a word to explain this?

Good morning Developers

*Voice appears from no where* :
You have to code and complete all the bugs, issues and the frameworks,
By the end of the day.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it?

The only reason I didn’t commit suicide yesterday was a lack of emotional resource to go to darknet and research how to buy a gun

I'll be in the VFX industry. Modeling, lighting stuff.
Probably wanting to kill myself due to the potato sack worth of a salary i get

Gamer, Casual Cosplayer