Someone stole my mouse when moving office... Dude the things on MY DESK are mine, you can't just take people's stuff and make it yours

Now I am using your crappy mouse... 😑

Overheard some guy talking about robotics on the phone, turns out it was all about MS excel macros.

people need to stop abusing terms like big data, AI etc. to make them sound 'smart' 🙄

Got this from boss (a few colleagues got it as well):
Sites have been down over the weekend and seems the only person cares is PM! There is a condition about working when required (i.e. unpaid OT) on your contract! It is essential that sites are properly managed even at weekends - we run a online business! If anyone has problems we'll discuss next week
*Note: site was partially down and there was no major impact on the business

When I explained why we need to rebuild the sites, you said not now - almost 2 years now, still nothing happens.
When I asked if we can get managed hosting or load balancer, fecking NO again
After asking for my opinion on the sites, you & the puppet think my honesty is me being negative and incorporate, and exclude me from meetings and major part of my work

Go fuck yourself! I've warned you about the status of the sites and you did not want to listen SO DON'T TELL ME I'M NOT DOING MY JOB WHEN YOU'RE THE ONE STOPPING ME FROM DOING IT PROPERLY!
I'm sure we'll have our meeting very soon, cheapskate.

working on legacy code and saw this:

@records = unpublished_collection.published

Wait, what?

001 REM Code review

010 PRINT "Nitpick nitpick nitpick nitpick nitpick"
011 GOSUB REFACTOR

020 PRINT "This function is too complicated, break it up"
021 GOSUB REFACTOR

030 PRINT "Why do you have three methods for this? Put all the logic in one method."
031 GOSUB REFACTOR

040 GOTO 020
041 REM ARGH

998 PRINT "Looks good."
999 STOP

"AJAX is a football club isn't it?"

Defeated, not sure if I should be laughing or crying...

Signed up on Trello, got everything set up there and everyone has an account.

But my dear PM, why the hell are you still sending out a screenshot of your bloody spreadsheet bug tracker and ask everyone for updates????

Fellow devRanters how do I get (force) my PM to use a project management system instead of silly tables?

Years ago, I joined a company making games for handheld consoles.

Because a game's audio needs to be tested, too, I connected earphones to the console so that:
0. I wouldn't bother others w/ the sounds coming out of the console.
/* !Everyone wants to hear that crap. */
1. I could hear the sounds better.

PM: * Enters the room. *
Me: * Focused on testing the game. *
PM: * Walks up to me from the side, starts talking. *
Me: * Focused on testing the game. *
PM: * After approx. 30 seconds of complete lack of response from me, kind of irritated, knocks on my desk to get my attention. *
Me: * Take out the earphones. *
Oh, hi, how can I help you?
PM: Haven't you heard a word I said?
Me: Well, no. I am testing the game, including the audio.
PM: You need to pay attention to what's going on around you.
Me: Testing audio is one of my responsibilities. I am using earphones because of the reasons [0-1].
PM: Even still, you just need to pay attention to what's going on around you.
PM: * Finally explains the reason for him bothering me, then goes back to his lair. *

Moral of the story: Fuck being good at what you do && knowing your responsibilities.
When PM wants something from you, you better give him the attention he wants.

/* The expectation being I grow an extra pair of eyes && ears, so that I see the guy coming && am prepared to listen to him whenever he wants something _while_ doing the best job I possibly can. */

Why a non-dev has access to reboot servers....?

why.....WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!?

Email from boss: Have a nice weekend everyone!

Colleague A's reply: The weather is gonna be bad...
PM: Oh then A, you can stay at home and make sure the sites are working over the weekend!

5 seconds later boss replied:
Oh enjoy watching the sites then!

I can tell you two are from the same pile of turd *smh*

"we have add a lot of cost partly due to currency exchange rate, but we also added some services and servers, we'll have a meeting and see what we can cancel or re-arrange."

So now....
- JIRA is gone
- SEO tools are gone
- budget for site security & SSL undecided
- Servers are too expensive.
$800 for twelve 2-24gb ram servers with backup, I call that bargain

Can't wait to see the websites falling apart. Now where are my popcorns?

GIT COMMMIT LOG VERSION 011
-------------------------
4cc7d0d Derp, asset redirection in dev mode
6b6e213 Lock S-foils in attack position
1e44549 I am even stupider than I thought
2f6bec9 You should have trusted me.
891851a To those I leave behind, good luck!
3367d77 Update .gitignore
46d6b0f Merging the merge
b12f6fe First Blood
0598e4f 8==========D
9151ff4 Finished fondling.
3a0ec1e ...
8358c20 c&p fail
bc1e834 magic, have no clue but it works
31bb17a I don't get paid enough for this shit.
21edb91 :(:(
7a71610 Stephen rebase plx?
2060661 Copy-paste to fix previous copy-paste
21ac5d2 Handled a particular error.
2dedd90 pam anderson is going to love me.
c3d4c83 omg what have I done?
d38bafd Herping the derp derp (silly scoping error)
e461773 Merge pull request #67 from Lazersmoke/fix-andys-shit Fix andys shit
1faf82b Is there an award for this?
1f6e3f3 Feed. You. Stuff. No time.
6f0097d I'm too old for this shit!
133179e I'm just a grunt. Don't blame me for this awful PoS.
d3e5202 harharhar
57d9a7c THE MEM TEST FUNCTION YOU ARE LOOKING FOR, IS HERE. SAY THANKS FOR THIS COMMIT MESSAGE

To all female devRanters out there, have a happy Women's Day.

Sincerely, from UTC+01:00.

Some two years ago I purchased a license for AV solution on Amazon UK which is my default place for shopping.

When attempting to activate the license, I kept getting this annoying error somewhere along the lines of:
'License from another region.'

I contact the support, they did their magic && the license got applied.

Fast forward some two years - the license is about to expire.

The software is actually good, so I make the choice to renew it.

Thing is, I keep getting redirected to the local site w/o an option of choosing the English language.

I edit the site's address to reach an English version of the site.
On UK's site I am unable to choose my country of residence so I can't complete the purchase form.
I try a few other things && finally reach the Global site where I am able to input the correct data for the purchase, but all attempts to finish the payment fail.

Fine... I'll purchase from the local site.

I purchased the license, activated it w/o problems, but when attempting to download the installer it keeps downloading the localized version which doesn't allow me to change the language.

I contact Support.

S: 'The license you've purchased can be used solely w/ localized version of the software. If you want to use the English version, you'll have to get a refund && purchase from our Global site here [link w/o redirection].'

_Fuck_ this trend of automatic redirection to localized sites && forced localized software.

One shouldn't have to go through all these hoops to get the software in the language of their choice, instead of having the localized version shoved down their throat.

"Specs are out of date at time of writing. Basic premise of how this works: {link}"

and link goes to a 404

There was this one time when a coworker needed to update the Xcode.

IIRC because his Mac mini was low on storage space, the update failed && the Xcode became corrupted.

He found that out when he tried to open the Xcode, at which time he was presented w/ an error akin to:
'Xcode was found to be corrupted && was moved to the Recycle Bin'.

C: 'Good, it belongs there!'.

Stranger things fans here?

I've been in a new city for a while, now.

When it comes to getting to know a new city, I like to pick a remote destination of interest within a walking distance /* Which usually is a supermarket, or an electronics store. */ && just pay attention to surroundings on my way there.

Using Google Maps myself, since it works quite well in my area.

Today /* Technically yesterday, since currently it's past midnight, but the event took place a few hours ago, but whatever. */ I have found this interesting landmark.

"let's put an advert right next to the login/registration area so everyone can see the ads"

Thanks for reminding why I love adblock, how retarded you are and why you should never be allowed to touch ux/ui.

f your theory about users != customers.

Hope better ads standards slaps in your face, HARD

Legacy Of Kain Soul Reaver 1 & 2 Remastered has been released.

It contains a lot of bonus material, including a few areas that have been scrapped before release.

Exploration of one of those areas may end up _crashing_ the game...

...Imagine that...

Tester has found an issue: controller input stops working when performing certain steps.

Creates a report and provides an attachment.

The attachment depicts some menu where, at first, the cursor moves around various options, then simply stops moving.

The problem:

Since this is a simple in-game recording, there is neither an overlay of the controller w/ a visual representation of the input actually being provided but not working, nor there is a camera recording available where I can see the tester pressing buttons on a controller.

For all I know, the tester put down the controller / stopped pressing buttons.

...I've also seen reports of animations not working... w/ fucking screenshots attached.

How the fuck can you see something not being animated in a fucking static picture?

Some time ago I had a brief period of time when I had no tasks.

In order to stay productive, while having a lot of free time on my hands, I had decided to create a documentation of a feature in our game that has slightly different implementations depending on the platform on which the game is running.

Once I was done w/ the documentation, I shared it w/ the lead.

His feedback was along the lines of:
'It's OK, but the color palette that you used could've been better.'

/* What I used was basic colors: feature is available = green; !available = gray; partial availability = yellow, etc. Simple, easily readable. */

So instead of 'Thanks for documenting this.' I hear 'You have poor design skills - you should've used company's theme'.

/* I'm guessing since the company's logo uses some fancy colors, in lead's mind, those colors should've been used in documentation. */

Well, duh - I'm !a graphics artist / designer, so no shit.
There will definitely be no graphical fireworks in my documentation.

I fucking love working w/ people who have their priorities straight - '_fuck_ usefulness && correctness of data; It must be pretty too!'.

It's always the 'Poll Of The Day' on some other site that reminds me that there's an actual word for the fear of the Friday the 13th...

The kind of testers I'm dealing w/ right now:

Until fairly recently, they thought it was a good idea to keep retesting stale && untouched bug reports to see whether an issue is still present, then leave a comment.

Imagine being assigned as a watcher to a report, but keep seeing comments made by testers akin to:

- version 1: issue is still present.
- version 2: issue is still present.
- version 3: issue is still present.
- version 4: issue is still present.

Which was true for some 90-95% of the cases.

How retarded does a person have to be to think that this is a good idea?

I say it's a great way to piss somebody off.

Reminds me of movies w/ scenes where there is this annoying brat in the back seat of a car asking 'Are we there, yet?' over && over again.

Once a report is up, just be fucking patient && wait until someone replies!

Roughly one year ago we'd been setting up our network to have our IP whitelisted.

The process took way more than it should've. Here's why:

* Back story: *
Coworker had been talking to IT because he wanted his PC && a devkit to have static IPs.

IT did that && set up the network so that in the future they wouldn't have to be bothered about it.
They set aside a pool of IPs 10.0.2.50-10.0.2.100.

/* You _know_ where this is going, right? */

Coworker: We have our static IPs. This is our range: 10.0.2.50-10.0.2.100. Could you pass it over to $company_name so that we have our IPs whitelisted?
Boss: Finally! Yes, will do.
* Passes the info over. *
* Week passes. *
C: Do we have our IPs whitelisted?
B: Got the info that they should be.
C: Damn, it doesn't work!
* B starts blaming $company_name 's support. *
* Another week passes. *
C: Any word on the whitelisted IPs?
B: They tell me it's set up. Can you try now?
C: Nope, still doesn't work.
* B starts bitching about IT how they're incompetent. How they were supposed to be pros && all that. *

/* I got wind of the whole situation. */

Me: Hold on. Those aren't the IP we need to pass to the $company_name.

* Provide the _correct_ Internet-facing IP. *
* Gets whitelisted within 1-2 days. *

These are the people I'm dealing w/ right now. They'll bitch about everyone being incompetent, but when it turns out _they_ have been at fault I hear no responsibility being taken.

/* I'm also reminded of this adage: Garbage In, Garbage Out. So true. */

*Reading a bug report's summary*
'Object x is displayed incorrectly when playing on PC in resolution 1024x768 or Android tablets w/ 4:3 Aspect Ratio'

*facepalms*

You, sir, are failing at basic math && basic logic, among other things.

1024x768 _has_ an Aspect Ratio of 4:3.
If only you had bothered checking, you would've know that the issue is purely related to the Aspect Ratio && !just that one resolution.

Normalise giving nap during working hours . Please !!

I've recently learned how committing of the Save Data to file works in my project.

The file is updated w/ _each change_ made to the settings.

Worse yet - the file is updated even when _no actual change_ is made due to the setting already being at its highest / lowest value possible.
/*
e.g. 5 is maximum sound volume.
- You try increasing the sound volume.
- Setting can't get any higher, so remains unchanged.
- *Update the Save Data*.
*/

What kind of abusive masochist would do that?

// Yes... there's always blame.

PM: I can't see the Facebook page, can you check what's wrong with it?
Me: *click click tab tab* There's not much I can do... I don't have the admin access
PM: Who is the admin?
Me: ABC (who is on holiday)

PM then decided to bombard ABC with emails & phone calls (& to ABC's family)

PM: When ABC comes back, ask for the login details
Me: But that's linked to the personal account.....
PM: It doesn't matter

Where the f is privacy?

p.s PM is an arrogant bastard who logged in to ex-colleague computer, read her personal emails, found out she went to a job interview, told the boss and asked her to come back then fired her on the spot

Boss changes plan & schedule for this year's projects at least 5 times within 3 weeks.

Since everything changes so frequently, would you mind making the following changes as well:

1) Give everyone a better PC/Mac
2) Get a better PM
3) A sales team that can sell things

Or maybe a more creative, decisive and organised boss so we can have all 3 wishes at once just like Kinder Surprise

There was this one time when we've managed to upload a Debug build to Google Play Store.

On the same day we had to create a new build w/ fixes, have the testers perform smoke tests, then switch to some fairly quick overall tests.

If nothing were to come up during those tests, the build was supposed to be passed over to the submission manager for release.

Things weren't going that smoothly in the beginning, w/ the first two builds being broken in one way or another.

Finally, however, we managed to create a properly working build.

QA hadn't had that much time to test it, but no major problems were identified && given the deadline we had to submit it.

The next workday it turned out that the tester responsible for passing the approved build over to the submission manager gave him the Debug build.

The submission manager none the wiser uploaded that build for release.

Result?

The users who managed to update their game got their save data wiped... sort of.

It looked that way given the Debug build was communicating w/ a different server.

In the aftermath of that situation, we had to repair the damage && upload the correct build as quickly as possible.

Also, ever since then a huge text 'DEBUG' was added to the loading screens of Debug builds to make people very aware of which build they were looking at.

As for any repercussions for the tester responsible for the mess, or the submission manager - I have no idea.

They were both still working there, so at the very least none of them got fired because of this.

Manager complaining about why things were done in a 'different' (not the manager's) way.
If you bloody define your tickets better, this shouldn't have happened right!?
I wouldn't have to keep chasing you for details EVERY SINGLE F-ING TIME and I probably wouldn't have to redo and undo the same sh*t 4, 5 times

I was trying to learn Java and Python at the same time. Ended up being proficient at Jython.
Now I,m trynna find a compiler that understands my language. Can anyone help?

You know your e-Post Office really sucks when you receive only now scammers' emails that are _decades_ old.

Client: Are we getting the finished site next Monday?

Supervisor: no it should be the week after, that's the date I have on our dev schedule.

1st week into the project, we pointed out the PM messed up the project end date (he took beginning of the final week instead of the end of week) and apparently he(& CEO) didn't bother to inform the client about the mistake.

WTF PM you f-ed up every single project since joining the company

Hi fellow devRanters, I need some advice on how to detect web traffic coming from bad/malicious bots and block them.

I have ELK (Elastic) stack set up to capture the logs from the sites, I have already blocked the ones that are obviously bad (bad user-agent, IP addresses known for spamming etc). I know you can tell by looking at how fast/frequently they crawl the site but how would I know if I block the one that's causing the malicious and non-human traffic? I am not sure if I should block access from other countries because I think the bots are from local.

I am lost, I don't know what else I can do - I can't use rate limiting on the sites and I can't sign up for a paid service cause management wants everything with the price of peanuts.

Rant:

Someone asked why I can't just read through the logs (from several mid-large scale websites) and pick out the baddies.

*facepalm* Here's the gigabytes log files.