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Boss: I need to demo our product but it looks smaller on my laptop.
Me: That is because you have a 1920x1080 monitor and your laptop is 1280x800
Boss: Is that something you can fix?
Me: No you will need a new laptop, but the company has a sales laptop with that resolution.
Boss: No just get the company credit card and buy me one today!
*Bosses son hears*
Bosses Son: Here take the sales laptop
Boss: Will that be quick enough
Bosses Son: It has a 8 core i7 Processor, 16GB ram and a dedicated GPU
Boss: *looks at me confused*
Me: Your demoing a web browser, that will be more then ok. But were using chrome so 16GB of ram will be pushing it.
*me and bosses son laughs*
Boss: Can we upgrade it?16
So we hired a part time sales lady to work in our office. She sits right inside the entry to our area. Each morning I am amazed that I can make it to my desk without passing out. All I can think is this:6
When our sales guy came by for the 200000000000th time on a day to boast about how good he advised someone on a sales related matter.
Mate, we're Linux engineers and currently trying to fix shit up so why don't you get yourself a cup of shut the fuck up.7
Overheard from a sales call (involving web templates):
Developer Says: We have trained a model to automatically categorize user posts.
Sales Department Says: We are building a decentralized peer to peer blockchain neural network based on a scalable containerized cloud of quantum computers to power internet of things devices in augmented reality while users get driven around in autonomous vehicles powered by machine learning and pay for renewable energy with cryptocurrencies.7
Sales Guy: Hey Man, you know what? you should go back to college and advance your knowledge in Software Engineering. This way you will be an expert in programming and handling the Servers.
Me: I started programming at the age of 17 and started handling servers by the age of 18. Can I ask you something if you don't mind?
Sale Guy: Yea sure I don't mind anything
Me: Get the fuck out of here8
I'm tired of working for small companies.
I'm always either the sole developer, or the only dev for a specific stack, and therefore don't have anyone to ask for help. If I can't figure something out, it just doesn't get done.
It also means I don't have anyone to bounce ideas off, do code reviews with, or even friggin' have someone who understands what I do.
It would be nice to have someone I could actually ask for help! As it stands, I tear my hair out in frustration until I'm desperate enough to beg for help on discord or SO. whereupon, of course, I get ignored, as per usu. asdjfklasdjf
It really sucks.
It also means that I'm often surrounded entirely by sales people and managers... you know, those super-talkative people? who basically get paid just to talk? and are absolutely computer illiterate? Yeah. Think someone who says "I need my deliverables by end-of-week," "customer success representative," "turnkey solution," etc. completely seriously. (ew).
They're the people who constantly wonder why I can't push `n` features in `n/4` days, and ofc can't understand anything I say in response because of the aforementioned illiteracy. They're also the people who, almost every week, ask how long `y` is going to take, and then yell "But I need it by Friday! I just sold 50 clients on it!" (And they do this, of course, without ever asking for timelines)
It really fucking sucks.
Though I suppose larger companies would still have these problems.
but at least I could ask for help once in awhile. that would be nice.41
Pain the ass sales guy walks into my office uninvited. Looks at one of my screens which has sftp copying a lot of files and spewing out each one. He asks what that "nonsense" is.
I politely tell him that it is all his sales data and I am deleting it. At which point I got up and went to lunch with no further discussion.
The next phone call I received was from my boss asking me to stop fucking with the sales people. I hope he learned to knock after this.5
Modern development methodologies:
SDD - sales driven development.
TDD - torture driven development.
BDD - bug driven development.
CPDD - copy&paste driven development.21
Ignorant sales people and PMs who confuse a program's UI with the whole thing and ask you: why it took you so long, you just had to add a save button?
Yeah, asshole, adding a call-to-action style save button only took me 10 minutes, making it save your fucking data reliably took me a whole week.8
- It's a game, play it
- Come prepared
- It's better to say "not sure" or "don't know" than bullshit
- Don't write in the CV (or mention during the interview) things you don't want to be asked about
- Sound eager and enthusiastic about your profession because no one likes a downer
- the interview is a sales meeting, you are the goods, be sure to be a good salesman10
Rubber duck company meeting in 1998:
Okay folks, our sales are plummeting, we need new ideas... NOW!
Employee: Let's brainwash developers! Make them think our ducks magically solve their debugging issues....
Other employees: *rofl*
CEO: Brilliant, let's do that.3
"Make the feature more useful."
Please write a user story. It's hard to determine what you want.
"As Sales Agent I would like the <feature> to be extended so it's more useful to me."
Sales Advisor: "4GB is more on a mac.. they use different measurements.."... at that point I gave up trying to get some info out of him10
My company does estimates in two ways.
1. Sales person just throws a number out there, always short, and we panic code to make it happen before the client decides twice as long isn't worth it.
2. The devs are told to give an estimate before having a chance to find out all the requirements, THEN ARE TOLD THEY ESTIMATED TOO HIGH AND TO LOWER THE NUMBER!
FUCK THE ESTIMATING!!! GIVE US TIME AND ACCEPT OUR ESTIMATES!! SALES PEOPLE DONT HAVE TO STAY UP IF WE NEED TO CRAM!!9
When I hear sales guy using technical terms in the wrong context while doing his sales pitch to a client...2
Sales manager: Hi all, we are launching a new internal hackathon. Form up a team with the right expertise to help with address the problem statement and get going!
Me: what’s the problem statement?
Sales manager: you have to sign up first. There’s proprietary company info with our plans for next year involved. You have to agree to terms and conditions before continuing. Legal say so.
*fills in docU-sign*,
*clicks through 3 other screens*
Ok let’s see this problem statement.
“What new and magical customer experience can you create and launch to win in our markets”
... that’s not a fucking problem statement ... and why the fuck does that require filling out a docu-sign form to see?
I REALLY fucking hate legal / sales people. Wasting everyone’s time.4
When the Sales team fucks up something, they point finger at each other for the blame.
When the Dev Team fucks up something, as a Senior Developer I say to my Boss that we fucked it up no matter whose fault it is and we will fix it up by x time.
When the SysAdmin team fucks. The Dev Team is to blame.
Sorry guys, I got a bit frustrated. All our servers wasn't backed up from last week and the SysAdmin guys are saying it's our fault.
What the fuck is going on? fuck you fuck fuck fuck fuck...9
A ecom website which sales premium gold product from 50k to 170k INR.
database : mysql
all passwords and user ID's are saved in plain text.23
A new sales guy in a startup I used to work at was using Internet Explorer. I told him why are you using IE, it's a shitty browser and how frontend devs suffer to support it.
Before I continued, he interrupted me saying that he used to be the regional head of sales team in Microsoft and started defending IE.
I was like Oookaaayy.
......he left the company a week or two later7
Was asked to check the sales team server as it was running slow.
Apart from redundant processes and users with too much permissions I found a "Cobol" folder under one of the sales team member's home folder.
If it weren't the sales people I would immediately disregard this as trolling but with them it's quite possible that this is a real attempt to learn programming...
...most likely from the facebook ads with the hooded guys that offer to teach you to code in 10 days for $800.7
When I was 12 I started programming by makimg games. Then when I was 18 I stopped with a game dev study (because of personal reasons). I went to a web dev study and found work 4 years later. Today my company hired a new sales person who has worked at a few game dev companies and she said she will try to put me on game dev projects.
Im so happy now :D4
Buying courses in Udemy (or similar), is like paying for a gym membership.
Sure there are some who actually use it. But the vast majority is like: "Now that I paid for this, I'm sure I'll get around to using it..."11
A few years ago, I used alert('Well that sux balls'); to debug a CMS custom module. Finished the project and went with the sales manager to demo the app to the clients board of directors. Trust a sales manager to find a bug during a live demo that QA didn't find...
All my temporary error messages are now boring and functional.
If you are a salesperson, you can just go straight to hell. You're all a bunch of cocksucking twats and I'm amazed you manage to get yourselves dressed each day. You're a no good fucking waste of oxygen and you need to put your fork in a socket the next time you're eating.
I'm working on building a crm and ticket management system for use in the office to handle client passwords. Since I'm building from scratch I wanted to make sure I had properly planned my classes and functions before opening the code editor so I put a message on my door that says "Don't interrupt, thanks" followed by the date so people knew it was a fresh message and not something left from the previous day.
I'm deep in the zone, the psuedo code and logic is flowing, I'm getting classes planned and feeling really productive for an hour or so when suddenly my door flies open and in comes a sales person.
SP: "Hey, do you have any extra phones lying around? Mine's being slow and keeps hanging up on people."
Me: "Do you see the sign on my door right there at eye level which says not to bother me?"
SP: "oh, do you want me to come back later?"
Me: "You've already interrupted me now, let's go see what's going on before I spent an hour setting up a new phone for you." While we are walking across the office I asked him when the last time the phone rebooted.
SP: "idk, Salesperson#2 suggested that as I was headed over here but I figured I'd just ask you."
We get over to his desk and I see he has two phones sitting on his desk. "Where did this one come from?"
SP: "Oh that was on the desk over here but I figured I could use it."
Me: "Well aside from the fact that the phones are assigned to specific people for a reason, you took the time to unhook your phone to set this one up and you didn't think to reboot your phone first. Plug your phone back in."
He plugs the old phone, which is assigned to him, and while booting it does a quick firmware update and boots up fine. He tests a few things and decides it's all better now.
So someone suggested a fix for you and you decided, instead, you would break company IT policy by moving equipment from one station to another without notifying the IT department. You entered a room which had a closed door without knocking, and you disobeyed the sign on the actual door itself which politely requests that you go away. All because you couldn't be bothered to take 2 minutes and reboot your phone, which you had to do anyways.
You completely broke my train of thought and managed to waste 2 hours of effecient workflow because you had an emergency.9
Dear sales team please stop promising the customer stuff that doesn't exist within the system and then promising them dates for getting said functionality without discussing it with the product team let alone the development team. Also repeating 'but I promised the customer they'd have it by august' will not make 6 months of development work fit into that time frame!5
My boss when:
Conversation regarding passwords:
Me: "It should be longer than that"
Other dev: "That's what she said"
*taking note of the inappropriate-ness*
Me: "We need to get a room for us"
PM: "That's what she said"
Me: "Come on Ryan!"
Other dev: "That's what she said"
Sales Lady: "This will never end!"
Me: "That's what she said!"
Office dies for a minute. Michael Scott would be proud.2
Motherfucking WordPress coupled with motherfucking sales people.
If you promise the client something, please fucking relay it via the correct process (i.e the fucking ticketing system that took me a month to write for the company - it's seriously just a click away on your desktop.). "I told your boss" is not a fucking apt excuse.
My boss forgets, and well, doesn't give a fuck about procedure either.
Now you phone my boss and he phones me, on a fucking Sunday evening, telling me that the client was promised a website by tomorrow morning at 10AM. You tell me this at fucking 9PM.
Why didn't you tell me earlier? How the fuck am I supposed to shit out something I would be proud of in a few hours? Nevermind me fucking up my sleeping routine; how the fuck?
Conversation went like this:
"xyz was promised this site by sales person fuckTwit, I need this live by Monday morning. I have sent you a few images. Make it in WordPress, client says they want a 'tangy looking theme'.
Me: it's a bit unrealistic requesting this, is there no way we can extend the time so I have time to create this?
Also, what do you mean by 'tangy'?
Boss: don't know. Make it happen. No excuses.
What the fuck is a tangy theme? When I become a webDev at the company? More importantly, fucking WordPress?!
Now I'm sitting on this shit, tired as a manatee in mating season, and using goddamn WordPress.
I have to halt my irritation, because I get severely irritated when I'm tired, I have to restrain myself from telling the involved parties tomorrow to install the FuckYourself WordPress plugin, coupled with a resignation letter.
Same sales person got me in shit a while ago, because I refused to give him access to the network to download fucking cartoons. Sales director went and moaned that his bitch (the sales person) needs this for a presentation. Yeah fucking right.
Go Snorkelling in a sewer truck you egotistic, megalomaniacal, indecent, outrageous, horrible motherfucker of a person.
Time to develop a fucking website with, oh, a company profile pamphlet.
Times like this I keep telling myself, "my time will come, my time will come".14
Got an all expenses paid trip to the Bahamas as part of a company recognition initiative. They rewarded me for a database and website that made a series of books searchable by key learning attributes and resulted in several big sales. Last I checked it was still in use.2
"Can you do this?"
Sure, give me the information I need...
"We don't have all of it yet"
So I can't do it then
"Well when can you do it"
When you get the information
"Do you need *all* of it"
Well, it's either I do half a job and waste my time, or get it all done in one shot
"The client wants it tomorrow"
When will we have the information?
"We don't know"
Well they aren't having it tomorrow then, are they...
Sales people... don't care *how* things work, as long as they get a tick against their name to show they've sold something...3
I haven't been around much in recent weeks. Due to family illness, christmas shopping, dealing with estranged parents, and brooding over the foregoing, I haven't had a lot of time or energy left to myself.
tl;dr: The CTO ("API Guy") is ostensibly getting fired, and I might be taking over his job. I don't know if I should accept, try to stave this off, or simply flee.
Anyone who has been following my recent rants knows that API Guy is my boss, and he often writes terrible code. It's solid and unbreakable, but reading it is a *nightmare.* One of our applications is half the length of Leo Tolstoy's War and Peace, and it's difficult to tell what code is live and what amounts to ancient, still-active landmines. This is one application; we have several, most of which I've never even looked at.
Ostensibly the code is so terrible because the company grew extremely quickly, and API Guy needed to cram in lots of unexpected / planned-against features. From what I can see, that seems about right, but I haven't checked timeframes [because that's a lot of work!].
Here's a brief rundown of the situation.
- API Guy co-founded the company with the CEO.
- CEO and API Guy have been friends for a long time.
- CEO belives the company will fail with API Guy as head of tech.
- They could just be testing me; I have zero way of knowing. API Guy seems totally oblivious, and CEO seems sincere, so this feels pretty doubtful.
- CEO likes pushing people around. CEO believes he can push me around. API Guy doesn't budge. (I probably won't, either, except to change task priorities.)
- API Guy's code is huge and awful, but functional.
- API Guy is trying to clean up the mess; CEO doesn't understand (maybe doesn't care).
- Literally nobody else knows how the code works.
- Apart from API Guy and myself, the entire company is extroverted sales people.
- None of these sales people particularly like me.
- Sales people sell and sell and sell without asking development if they can pull enough magic features out of their hat to meet the arbitrary saleslines. (because the answer is usually no)
- If I accept, I would be the sole developer (at first) and responsible for someone else's mountain of nightmarish code, and still responsible for layering on new features at the same pace as he. Pay raise likely, but not guaranteed.
- My getting the position is contingent upon the CEO and the investors, meaning it's by no means guaranteed.
- If I don't accept, likely API Guy will be replaced with someone else of unknown ability, who doesn't know the code, and whom I must answer to regardless. Potentially OK, potentially a monumental disaster.
Honestly, it feels like I'm going to be screwed no matter what course I choose.
Perhaps accepting is slightly better?
The best would be to assume the position of CTO and keep API Guy around -- but that would feel like an insult to him. I doubt he'd be okay with it. But maybe. Who knows? I doubt the CEO would seriously consider that anyway.
I feel like a lamb between a dim, angry rhino, and an oblivious one.23
“Even if the client doesn’t answer the emails it’s still the client and the job has to be done.”
You fucking sardine-shaped hen. This is the most idiot sentence that came out from a human mouth this century after “earth is flat”.
How the fuck shall I work with a client that literally validated nothing and asks nothing?
I hope your husband values you for your the way you move your hips rather than the way you earn your salary, you disgraceful amount of inorganic waste of cells.10
Good news: my department is great and furnishes the developers with a special dark space to work with big monitors in a small, quiet room.
Bad news: someone from sales is camped out in here and the glare from the all-white word documents they have open is causing my oh-so-perfect screen (in dark mode, of course) to be unreadable.
As an added perk, they brought in a laptop and are using that almost exclusively. There are dedicated laptop chairs away from my workstation they could use instead.
Also, the entire room smells like their body spray. My only salvation is that it's almost five and maybe they'll leave soon.3
Goes to first job interview. Great interview but, can you send some code?
Sends requested js, css html files.
Great code, we want to speak to you again!
Goes to second interview, waits 15m, meets the sales department. Sales? Wtf?
Great interview but, can you send more code?
We need some native JS to really make sure you can write code.
You could've emailed this request before the interview b*tch. That way id save time hurrying in rain and traffic jams!4
My grandparents have a high end gaming PC with LEDs and all, for, you know, playing solitaire and "to browser internet faster"
I feel like they got scammed by the sales person
Don't the guys who sell computers have any moral?6
Just heard a sales girl in IT store telling a customer that some screen has much better "smoothing of sharpness". OMG4
Product team having a proof of concept demo with client:
Sales to client: "Just for the record, we are not selling this to a rival company. Because we really want this technology exclusive to you"
Me (thinking to myself): "Oh really? We just had a demo with them last 2 weeks"
One of the core values of our company is Integrity, and I am not just seeing it.
Big customer A: hi, we need feature X!
Boss: I'll discuss this with the team.
Big customer A: we need this feature or we terminate our contract.
Boss: give me 2 weeks.
Me: this feature is customer specific and will not benefit to our customers...
Boss: build it anyway.
Me: sure, it takes 4+ weeks.
Boss: can't you do it in 2 weeks?
Boss: just start and we'll see how far we come.
Big Customer B: we need feature Y.
And the cycle starts all over again...
We lag so much behind, I don't even dare to check our backlog.
PS: the main development team exists of two developers (I'm one of them).9
When the client blames a css issue for a decrease in sales.
No you idiot. A missing slider that I removed because it was breaking your site is not causing your sales to drop 30%5
Sales: We NEED to view the minutely data but showing 10 years of data at a time
Me: you do realise that would be like 2 days of data per pixel even on one of largest monitor resolutions
Sales: your a clever guy I'm sure you can work something out
Me: well I can consolidate the data so you ...
Sales: No we need to see the temperature for every minute11
Super important prospective client: Yes but can your software application do that thing?
Me: Yes, yes it can do that thing.
Prospective: Great, fantastic thank you please take my money.
Me: *runs away to implement that thing*
Please have my tombstone read "sales-oriented software" as cause of death.3
Yesterday evening I'd been to Lenovo service center to get a battery for my personal laptop.
Sales guy: Sir, I can see that your laptop had Windows 8 when you purchased it. If you want I can give you a one key recovery disc for that.
Me: Thanks a lot sir, but I run Ubuntu on my laptop. And if you are insisting, I can take that recovery media and install it on my uncle's laptop.
Sales guy: I'll get back to you on this.
*End of conversation* 😂6
Customer: We don't know what we want, but we want it yesterday.
Sales: No problem.
I'm not even mad or stressed anymore. You didn't ask me before, so why should I bend and break, so that you don't have to deal with staving the customer. Most of the time, he changes his requirements or is the bottleneck himself, anyway.2
Nature of Startups
Sales executive go and sell the features which are not available in the product.
They come back and inform them to the manager, then the manager makes the request to dev team to do the features.
After all these the discussion will be made in the morning and delivery is expected by evening.5
AMD Crushes Intel in November CPU Sales; Sells Twice as Much
CEO : this Facebook app has this great feature .
Me: yep, it’s really useful
CEO : can we make something like this in ours too ?
Me : we can sure try using this(x) method.
CEO : cool, I’ll add this into the sales team memo , and btw, it needs to be done in 2 days,
Me : but... but ...2
My worst dev sin was leaving out the 'WHERE' in a SQL update statement on a production database
Set every booking to be owned by the same sales consultant 👀3
"Hi, can we have a demo for <feature/subsystem X which doesn't exist in our system and which will take months to add> in three days? We sort of promised a new prospect that we have it and can show it."
Sales. Just. Sales.3
1. Pre-sales to Client: We can develop 200 APIs with 10 developers in 9 months.
2. Client: Ok! Cool, its a deal.
-- Sprint starts --
3. Actual: We are 6 developers, commited (or sold out) to make 200 APIs in 9 months.
My friend is so fed up with his $400-per-month-internet-explorer-based POS, so I wrote him an UWP native app, only $40/month on AWS.
I'm thinking of continuing adding features until it mature enough and release it for free, but charge for cloud usage (if they use the cloud).
Anyone has experience in this? Im gathering info about the "must-have" features for small businesses.14
Welp. The startup I'm working for is going under. Ceo gave us zero hints.
I'm the lead dev and been working here for 6 months. Always built features before deadline, zero bugs, and going an extra mile. Can't say the same about the sales and marketing guys.
Kinda scared its gonna look bad. Oh you led a failed startup? Must be your fault.
Guess my side business is becoming full time now. Until new job.
#startup #9/10 #icebergahead2
The project manager and sales team decided to call a meeting to see how long a project I'm currently working will take to finish. Little did they think to ask the only person working on it.4
The fucking government in my country has put 15℅ sales tax on all internet downloads and subscriptions.
As a consumer and seller, this is unacceptable.
Governments are retarded!13
So, you ask me for a quote. You know nothing about the technology or the problem, but you think the quote is too high.
On what fucking basis are you assessing the quote? On the number of words? Font? Whether your spouse/cat hates you (both do). Basically, whatever I said, you'd have said it was too high, right?
Next time *you* tell *me* how much you have to spend and I'll tell you what you can get for your budget.
Maybe a coffee and a small cake.
Don't fucking call me again.2
VP: "this is a great idea that will increase sales by 100% and save 10k a year."
Well, if I just made up numbers to justify my shitty projects I'd be a fucking liar, but I guess that's why you're in charge. You just magically know things without doing any research to see how wrong you are.
Project Manager: "Let's put this temporary site up that the sales guys can use until the app is released in a few months"
A year later it's still used more than the app.
// bandaids are forever1
Dear email marketers:
I don't owe you anything just because you bought my contact information from some sketchy company. If I was interested in your garbage sales pitch I would fucking reply! Quit nagging me for a response and go get real jobs you fucking twats!2
I am on a team of 2 currently at work.
I am assigned to build some custom code for a customer going live with our product soon.
Because my team mate is already working on another customers project I explained the work may not be done in time because we were not given sufficient notice for our team of two to plan for the project.
Sales team contact me later that day asking me why I told our customer we don't have enough resources.
He wanted me to find a better phrase to tell them like "We have half our team dedicated to your project."
Another reason to hate our sales team 🤪3
Oh, my promotion happens whenever I'm on a call with a sales guy, who announces they have a (insert grandiose job title here) on the call in case the client has any technical questions.
Unfortunately it comes with no pay rise, and I'm immediately demoted again when the call ends ;)1
Everybody still using Windows 7 is waking up to this this morning.
Thank you Microsoft for doing sales for us 😁5
Been on a conference call with some coworkers and a huge company which is trying to sell us a new tool for our CI environment. Sales guys ask us sensible questions about our requirements and try to find out our needs. No one of my coworkers says a word. Sales guys rephrase their questions but STILL: Crickets on the line from our side and this call gets embarrassing. So I try to explain our SW dev process and explain what we need for our CI and suddenly Mr. Manager sends me a text msg telling me to to "STFU!"....Oh well THANK YOU, I just tried to be polite to these sales guys who were invited by US and took their time to present us their really good tool. I mean cmon...what is F*CKING WRONG with you?5
Starting from this week my boss started to be pain in my ass. He wants me to do sales more then developer work. I told him on Monday that I can’t do sales because my interest is in coding. My boss said that I have to do whatever he tells me to do because in my contract there is a clause that’s “Any other work that may be assigned by your boss”.
I’ am fucked!17
Being a lead developer, I don't know if I am on the side of developers or managers.
In a product roadmap meet today, one of the developers explained the update of last week. He talked for at least 15 mins.
After that the sales lead looked at me, expecting me to explain (or basically dumb it down for her)
Me: Oh, he meant "UI improvements"
She: Oh, why didn't he say so?
I don't know who was the reason for the FacePalm 😐6
Startup company: "We love competing with each other! We (the sales team) play pranks and pass each other mini footballs! Mandatory team social nights (No we won't pay you for it)!
Me, a typical introverted dev: "HISSSSSSSSSSS, away, away!"
What's with these sales people making software companies reminiscent of 1980s Wall Street trading floors?1
Sales guy calls up from overseas and complains website we got developed from another vendor is not working.
Being just the middle man who project managed the website development with the offshore vendor, I had no clue what was wrong as the site was working fine and "worksforme" was not going to be acceptable answer for the costumer demo.
Being an embedded drivers guy, had no idea to debug this, except one:
Me: Which browser are you using?
Me: try any browser other than I.E
Him: it works. Thanks
My current company has taught me a remarkable lesson. Just 1-2 really good full stack developers is all it takes to pull in Disney, Berkshire Hathaway and other fortune 500 companies. Cause at the end of the day these companies dont care about how many developers or how proficient the work flow is over here. They care about the history of the company, the mouth thats moving in these lunch meetings and the words being said. The sense of confidence and the nice building they see when they visit. Ive found a deep respect for marketing/sales, the facade that they can put up and the way a company builds off of facade until its no longer a facade. We literally wait until the big job is landed to hire the developers needed to make it happen. Its hilarious.
Sales guy: Hey, you're technical. Can you tell me how I'd go about doing (foobar) in this webapp I have here?
Almond: Err... I've never dealt with that webapp in my life. I wouldn't have a clue.
Sales guy: ...but you're a dev right? Oh well, never mind. Anyone more experienced around here that may know?
Almond: No idea, but I seriously doubt any of the devs will have used it. Maybe one of the other sales guys will?
Sales guy: So you're telling me *none* of the devs around here will know how to do this?!
Almond: Very unlikely (thinking why the hell would any devs be using a sales app, but whatever)
...15 minutes later...
Sales guy: Ahah, I figured it out! (Explains what buttons he had to click in crappy app to do foobar)
Almond: Glad you got it sorted!
Sales guy: I'm really surprised none of you devs could figure this out, but I could. Perhaps I should change careers and be a dev.
Just got an email reply with the following greeting: "Dear Cheers,"
Maybe somebody should tell the "Sales Director" of Gole that Cheers is NOT a first name.2
My only nemesis are sales people.
* They try to sell the impossible to the customer.
* They think even the biggest change takes only some minutes to implement, and tests do not even exist.
* They promise to deliver an app within half the time which means we have to cut out animations or some tests to deliver when due.
* They often get a commission (sometimes not as part of profit but revenue!) for calling their pals and asking them if they wanna buy something new (some say they also take the risk, but they don't, the company does).
There may be exceptions, but my perceived ratio between good and bad sales is about 1/20.
Now I am in a very small company with only one sales guy. Guess what, he is a good one! I hope he stays forever.6
Just got accepted for a game developer. Ive been making games since I was 12 as hobby. Did a few months of university level of Game Development. Then started as web devloper professionally. The company I work for found a project as game dev for me.
I love my work and the sales team for finding me that job, even though its out of scope of their regular projects.2
A people person is only a people person to another people person. I fucking hate them. Most sales people I see don’t really have any skills per say. They think they do by claiming to be a people person. The entire sales community is like this. Fake as shit. They pay thousands to learn something that has been written in Medium or you could just Youtube. I think I can pretty much get the fact if you wanna make a video do well, you need a good title. They speak everything on the surface. And they claim to a be a layperson. Well, no. Fuck you. I not giving you an average. You are stupid as shit. They can’t write a proper fucking email. I have to go through kubernates and monads and they still make more money than devs via commission. They are too sober and fucking pretentious too. Fuck em fuck em fuck em.3
That moment the sales guys ask if a humongous new feature is doable. And doesn't wait for your answer before adding: "Well so you know, I'll already promised it to the client for last week"2
Here is a brief list:
- Idiots from marketing
- idiots from sales
- the lawnmower man (while doing his job)
- AC off && summer
- no ventilation / fresh air
- civil defense siren tests (we're just next to one...)
- idiots talking to me while I'm on my headphone
- music stops
- phone rings
- light theme
- MySql Workbench
The sales team sold a project using our 'innovative framework', which had 'prebuilt components', which we 'only needed to plug n play' with a 10 week deadline. Of course, the framework didn't exist. Guess who was the lucky guy who had to create the framework AND finish the project in 10 weeks? fml...7
Never NEVER accept friend request from other area.
A guy from the sales department sent me 10 messages through Facebook to give priority to him because he is my friend.
S**k it Manolo.3
Sales guy: I mean, at the end of the day, coding is just typing, right?
Me: You've got to be kidding me.
Other coder: *ignores us because he's three hours into refactoring his vim customizations on a $500 imported dvorak keyboard*
Me: Ok, maybe sometimes.
It's a Friday morning I'm tired as hell after a hard week. trying to plough through all my work earphones in, music really loud. Sales guy in the office tries to talk to me i didn't hear him as my earphones were in he then says "you need to turn your music down or turn it off if you can't hear us" he said this in this serious tone. *music gets louder* to drown his noise out.3
Just got my item approved in codecanyon on april 10 and now I got 69 sales, It's my first item and I still can't believe it 😂😂4
When sales starts selling a "concept" feature to a client because someone showed them a mockup of it in Photoshop. They say "don't worry they know it's going to take a month or two". A week later .. When are we getting that feature? 😑2
You know you're talking to a sales guy:
"What's the URL for your API?"
"Um, I don't think we have one."
Spent almost four days trying to reverse engineer a feature the previous developers failed to document but a sales lead from before the take over was counting on.
Turns out it was never made and the whole exercise was a waste of time.3
We have an open office and sales team laughing on top of their voice. What's funny? Nothing. If someone says "I have shit on my pants", they'll start laughing loudly. I have made several complains but the GM says that their laughter makes this company friendly.
I really don't get it.3
My current new boss is pretty awesome. When he arrived, we were a lot of juniors dev crumbling under pressure. He directly went to product team and to sales team and totally reduced our workload to something acceptable.
He values sane work environment a lot, and I think that's what make a good boss
When you just wanna code but are waiting on the infinitely slow sales person to respond to a really simple request...3
Sales sold to a new enterprise client ecommerce solution tailored for small/local businesses as enterprise solution.
That software is able to handle hundreds of products, but we are trying to insert over 200k+ of them.
After inserting around 10k, the whole system dies and nothing works because all requests time out.7
Sales person - I've got this bespoke job in, here's the spec *hands over a price of paper with a drawing* and I've charged 7 days of your time.
Me - thanks...
*dig deeper in to the job and it's at least a months worth of work*2
In other news ... The company that booted me and 5 colleagues in april had a water leak and now the entire sales floor was flooded, resulting in +10.000 euro water damage 🤣 good luck making your Q1 sales targets 🤣
Karma much bitches 😂3
I've learned over the years that there's no such thing as a Proof of Concept app. You might as well call them beta versions since some salesperson or manager will see it and immediately tell clients about it who will buy it and then you have to support and expand it.
Being called into a meeting where you get fired for an argument you had with your CTO. But the CTO left 6 months ago and the sales department are suspiciously low on deals in the pipeline...
Shame really, I loved that job and the Dev team was great, shame the directors were bastards.2
Stuck at some dumb company event where attendance is mandatory. I'm supposed to answer technical questions if needed, but I suck at socializing with customers, and the sales guys are already chatting people up about the products I've developed so I don't have anything left to talk about. Not that anyone asks much about the tech behind the shiny GUI anyway...
Should i just leave? I doubt anyone would notice...9
Is amazing the kind of shit you have to swallow when your management has regular meetings with really really super extremely good-looking sales people.10
I contacted the creators of Nova Launcher because I want the full version. They have both an google play upgrade as an input code upgrade.
Since I dont have any google service anywhere I contacted them to ask how to get such a code because I dont have any google service. This was their reply:
"You would need to purchase the app via the Google Play Store, then once you have, email us a copy of the receipt and the email you used to purchase the app with, then we can give you a Direct License to use since you don't have Google Play Services."
How do I buy it if I dont have any fucking google service?17
Shoutout to all the sales people in every organisation: the thing that you are selling with so much pride, someone smarter than you is making it. Don't be an asshole to the developer.
As a web dev i really hate half assed solutions
Especially when I'm forced to spend time making them because some stupid sales person sold certain features that our current product doesn't support.
At the end of the day that sales guy gets a commission and I build something that will inevitably break somewhere in the future.1
When do you know you are a real dev?
When there is a sales of alcohol for half of price in near by shop and you stay at work to solve a bug.
Just happened to me today.2
Sales was about to close what I thought was supposed to be a basic WordPress project with a pretty steep delivery time (two weeks). I thought to myself: "well, ok. It's going to be rough for us to fit it into our existing schedule, but I guess the budget (unusually high) compensates." After I say OK, I find out that they were actually about to sign a FE application that takes data from various document management applications. I lost my shit. I hope there's a special place in hell for sales reps that don't get the specs before accepting projects.2
The sales person who is sort of my boss walked in today and asked/told me:
Sales: We are using Bluemix, right?
Sales: Learn everything about it.
Sales: Spend 2 hours a day for the next 2 months studying up. You don't get less other responsibilities. Your commute is 1 hour each way, right? Put on some videos!
Sales team came in earlier this week promising a client an application with several major modifications in less then 4 months. Guesstimating about 6 months to complete all the modifications.
Manager's answer: "Let's rewrite the application". Top it off he wants to use a obscure language that he only knows.10
Our smart and very professional sales guy strikes again,
I had to do some research on if I could print a pdf file directly from the server (be it php / nodejs)
When I told him I had found a solution he said, good job and went away, I was like...hmm k..
A few days later he came to my senior being mad that the project wasn't done in time.. And we were like.. Dude... What project!?
Apparently he made a deal to have a working demo in two weeks, but we (our dev team) never got that message...3
Heard sales manager talking to his team to wash their hands properly after using computer keyboard.
And here I'm sinking my face in both hands and occasionally covering my mouth with one hand and biting my finger tips sometimes.1
I miss the old steam sales where you could bag some really good deals if you just payed some attention. Nowadays though they just develop some rinse and repeat novel game, event or something and the deals are predictable. Max 50% if the game still got some steam (like stardew Valley) and 66-90 if the game is fading into obscurity (Turing Test)
Today was my last day at my old job. At my last monthly review, the CEO actually said to me how things would be much better if I were making enough sales happen on the websites to justify my (very low) annual salary. I checked the numbers on my way out the door. In the past 8 months I definitely cleared that threshold and then some. I wonder if he would've given me the next 4 months off with pay. LOL
Just had an email forwarded to me with a nice snarky comment by a sales guy that when he wrote it figured people in the technical side of our company would see it. Sales people piss me off, kind of want to tell him he is an a-hole tomorrow.
When your Boss openly refers to projects as Micro-sites to the client, devaluing the scope of work, and being completely unaware of the actual scope of work, which is essentially a twitch platform, to be built on wordpress, with integration to Power Point Dock, and a live chat queue6
Just made myself christmass. Bought The Talos Principle.
Oooooo glorious game.
Also Elite Dangerous.
And that not even christmass sales.
Excited for those !1
If you haven't watched the Sales guy Vs. Web Dude convo, check it out https://youtu.be/W8_Kfjo3VjU 😂1
one of our sales manager ask me,
"what so difficult to build ecommerce website, we work more than you because we strugle on field."
I just smile and start walking.6
If only this button could make this shitty work week end & launch me in to paradise. I've had it up to here with PMs, clients, sales and stupid people. Any one else? 😖🙋🏼👋🏼4
Today morning my sales manager calls me and tells there is a bug in one of the integration module and he tells the client has called us yesterday pls come early to office today and fix it. I asked which end point they have issue, he replies I don't know. I don't know what is the bug where is the bug, but there is a bug when they send data to us, pls find and fix it before 11 am. The worst part of this is that integration module I never worked on and the person who developed it has left the company long before and there is no documentation. when I go to that folder I see many controllers and many end points. now how will I figure out the issue 😂 I don't even know the work flow of that integration. the bug reporter (my sales manager) don't even know at what end point what issue happened.1
Super duper Marketing guy gets hired to boosts Eshop sales. Sends a huge wall of text about moving the site to the X VPS hosting plan, put SSL to the site etc..
Me: We are already on that hosting plan. We have SSL and everything else you mention. Are you sure you checked the right Eshop before you made that Grand Plan of boosting sales? 🤣🤣🤣1
sales: we will need a sponsored blog for client XY, can you start working on it?
me: I am really busy I can't do it as soon as next wednesday.
sales: but I promised it will be ready for this tuesday (yes, two days ago)
me: do you have any specification?
sales: what is a specification?
---- Happy Birthday for me ----1
When the sales guy decides to strike a conversation and breaks the code flow.
No, I'm not in the mood to talk
In my previous work, when I was under pressure (very often, because we were to few people for all the work) I used to manage the situation in the following way:
PM: It's super-important and prioritary to develop < 2 days feature >. Sales really need that feature because they cannot work without it.
Me: Ok. I'll need from them < 2-hours-to-get data > and then I can leave what I'm doing and start with the feature.
PM: *... goes to tell sales ... comes back*
PM: Well, they say they can work by doing < some not as confortable way as feature, but pretty acceptable >.
Me: Ok, then I'll continue trying to prevent the systems break down inminently.
On this work I learned a lot, but clearly, we were too few people to mantain the site, and too much lazy sales people.
Ever had that meeting where it's expected that you will solve cold fusion, catch rainbows and violate the laws of thermodynamics? Just because you are an expert in your field?
Also beautifully demonstrated here:
That one day you realize you can be in an abusive relationship with your boss, and he's a sales guy, and gaslighting is what he does PROFESSIONALLY.4
When a marketing / sales person says in a meeting with executives that our current infrastructure can handle 300.000 new customers easily. (We're at 90 ATM).
Mfw I'm the techie in the room and aware of our non-scaling mysql DB.
When you had 1 hour to work on your project, and spent the first 30 minutes checking out Google doodle, summer sales, top-ping your server, etc. And on devRant.
Company with CULTURE
Company who doesnt allow tech team to WFH but editorial team is fine (or sales)
Sonos playing ALL DAY, and sales team talking all day, next to tech team desk
Dont u love open space offices?
You know you might need a vacation/take PTO when the sales associate at Target says “damn girl you look tired” (and you do because you stayed up until 4 am coding trying to figure how to get videos to display on full screen on click [and after realizing that iOS doesn’t recognize the fullscreen API]) .
Just found out today that may FINALLY be able to start charging for the development work our team does. 😎
Just have to wonder why this could have happened ages ago.
It was the sales team. That's why!
My department vp announced to our sales team that our company would have an online Web based catalog capable of custom style configuration, pricing calculation, quote generation. the catalog would manage all of our customers different discount rates automatically and notify the correct sales rep any time a customer completes a quote. This was announced on September 30(ish) with a launch date of December 1. I'm the only Web developer and I found out afer the announcement. :/2
sales-managers: How long do you need to implement feature X ?
software-dev: Hmmm, that's nothing we have in our default-packages ... could be nasty, because it won't work without feature Y, which also does not exist in the current version 3 of our system.
I need to investigate this issue.
... 2 days later:
software-dev: This is really a nasty problem - to make X work, we've to reimplement Y for our system version 3, but this won't work with feature Z.
If we do this, it may take several weeks.
sales-manager: we need to go live in 2 months.
software-dev: might work.
1 week before go-live:
sales-manager: The customer saw us testing feature X. He does not like it. Could we just do it in ... blabla ... this way?
software-dev: This would work out of the box with feature Z, yes - we've to remove feature Y and X for that. But be warned - this might work next week without testing only.
sales-mamanger: do it now!
day of go live:
The customer tried the new feature X - it won't work.
software-dev: But it's not there, was removed, instead he has to use feature Z.
sales-guy comes back: He does not like it.
software-dev: why not? its working!
sales-guy: Yes, but he still wants it to work like feature X as he ordered.
software-dev: according to the specs, its exactly what he ordered. look at that: (showing the general specifications of project, showing feature Z).
sales-guy: The customer did not review this new document since last week.... Its still feature X
dev: really? why? I sent that version to you the day, he said, he doesn't like feature X, and you said I've to change that just urgently.
sales-guy: Please switch back to the version with X of last week. - could you. please ?
me: This won't work, because the other colleagues already finished their stuff on that currently running system - we'll lose all the optimations we've done to make this and other stuff work.
----- FAIL ------- NEVER DO ANYTHING WITHOUT SIGNATURE OF THE CUSTOMER !!!
One week onsite and rescheduled go-live is just so-what expensive.
Today (some weeks later) ... I saw someone else sitting in sales-guys office.1
OK Mr CEO/President whatever self aggrandizing title you want to call yourself today, where the fuck is your spine! You want to have support help boost your sales but don't tell sales that you are letting support handle some sales and sales is mad. Now you are quivering under the thumb of the Lead of Sales. What the hell. You are the leader of this company.
Why did you not stand up for your decision to begin with? I'm not going to get into whether or not it was good, but if you are going to make a decision to experiment with new things fucking stand by it and let everyone in the company know.
You've exacerbated the division between departments and ton this company further apart. If you don't start standing up for things, you are going to destroy all that you've helped build! Furthermore, I will not simply be your loyal vassal and watch all the people doing support for my products get fucked over. I will leave you high and dry if needed. I really hope you don't make it needed. You gave me a great shot to be honest, I'd hate to have to turn my back on you in anger. But don't think for a second I won't do it.
Your entire programming department has also been put in the cross fire of a fight you just made so much worse. You are the only one who can clean this up. Are you going to stand up for us? Are you gonna stand up for your self? Or will you just break and show us where the real power lies? We will find out soon.2
I think credit card comanies should pay me for using cards not vice versa.. or don't do shit like this when I am paying for it...
Two things: I wrote a program for the BBC that uploaded all their Top Gear content to YouTube and I wrote a web app that the Getty Images global sales team use to sell content to all their customers. :)2
What do people think of LinkedIn?
I keep getting pointless messages about introductory level positions, integration consultant or sales stuff, all for salaries below my current by a significant margin.
Has anyone had anything useful?
The fact that the second suggested tag is "LinkedIn is shit" may have just answered my question...3
I was asked by one of my clients to look in to CRM systems for them, one of their sales guys was pushing for sales force. Which to me was extremely expensive (and continuous expense) for such an old system with old thinking and horrendous ui/ux and totally unsuitable for them. I put them on to a modern fresh and truly great one https://capsulecrm.com/
I think there is a lot of this happening at the corporate level somehow somewhere, when clients tell you that Wordpress is the industry standard and Powerpoint is the only way to do presentations etc. etc.. Its a kind of corporate brainwashing.1
You shitty brat, if my HR staff didn't call you, they didn't call you. Still don't understand? Ok, simpler explanation. Because THEY DO NOT WANT YOU.
Just because we know each other doesn't mean you will get hired at my work. And you are not even a developer, you are a freaking sales man. Why the heck do you keep asking me about it?1
Continuous emails from recruiters:
"I saw your profile on LinkedIn and wanted to see if you were interested in a career as an Area Sales Rep for [cell provider]. Here's the benefits!"
degree says IT, past jobs say IT, hobbies say IT, interests say IT. Do they just send that to everyone no matter what the profile says??1
Learning JS in 2018 is like asking programming advice from sales people. What the fuck is going on man? Halfway through trying to convince the company to use all these new shits, I felt stupid as shit.5
"Hello, this is Raja C******b. The purpose of this call is not a sales call. I would like to send you a free podcast examining <blah blah blah> and its impact on <blah blah blah>. I have your email address on file. May I send this to you?"
"No. Because this is not free, since my time is money. And also because this IS a sales call."
"It is not a sales call, sir. We would like to send you a free podcast..."
"... that will try to sell me something."
"No, sir. It is a free podcast examining..."
"...Something that will try to convince me to purchase a product or service."
Having a possible new client come in our office and they wanted to see our system. I ask the sales guy what he thin kthey wanted to see.
Sales: They do a lot of projects, so if we could show them our rollout system that would be great.
Me: We don't have one....
Needless to say I was up all night and it still turned out as an amazing feature that we use to this day.2
Best part of the holidays for me has been the steam sales. I grabbed "TIL-100" and "Infinifactory". Both of them are wonderful logic games, and til-100 has you programming in assembly. It's the most challenging yet fun way I've ever programed!2
Thanks, client, for not telling me you were going to have a big sales event that needed my intervention. Nice Saturday I'm having.
Is scope creep worse when the Client does it or when internal departments do it to you?
Right now I can't fucking tell. ( :/ )3
This is the kind of company that provides online ticket sales for one of the bigger cinemas in Italy. Yes, registration is unavoidable.1
Saving your client money by reusing old project code (line for line) and being sloppy will only cost them more in the long run when you have to expand the project and fix bugs.
Not to mention deal with your pissed off clients when they lose sales because you didn't do it right the first time.2
I'm building a cross platform mobile app for this sales company to manage sales of each Van Sales Representatives. The app displays details of the customers; name, address, etc...
After demo, they requested for a map inside the app, specifically on the screen that displays the customer details for easy navigation by their VSR.
All attempts to convince them to use Google maps failed :(3
(On conference call with potential client)
Me: ...yes, you can interface with our system via our documented interfaces, using either JSON or XML...
Client: That's too hard. Can I just email you guys a Word doc or something?
Sales Rep: Yep, we can totally handle that, no problem.2
I made systems automated and effective, requiring less or no human action to process, was told it was to free up people for more sales and personal service, today I found out they fired the equilavent number of people to what my solutions made uneccesary. I really liked especially one of them and was hoping to ask her out. Guess that won't happen now. I feel horrible when my solutions cost people their Jobs.3
Dev, boss and guy who know logic is looking at the server.
Problem: it's not responding
Boss: we need this running now! Otherwise the sales won't go through
Dev: give me a chance, I just got here
Guy: have you tried turning it off and on again?
They did so and at works.
Boss: guess we don't need to hire another dev, this guy knows what he is talking about, he is some kind of server expert..
Really loving all these Udemy sales and humble book bundles, a lot of is for programming and some of them are actually really good!
It's a good time to be a Dev!
We at www.PinkiesForCash.com will buy your old pinkies and give cash in hours.
Don't miss out on this twice in a lifetime offer and sell your pinkies today!
All sales are final, our pinkie removalists are the best in the industry with quick and painless removal techniques, you'll never know you had a pinky before!
That's www.pinkiesforcash.com don't miss out!!6
Udemy courses are a fucking trap.
Bought one course on MERN stack by a youtuber I like, 10 minutes later I have 2019 filled with everything from web development to machine learning with sprinkles of flutter and react native in their as well
Side note - their 'sales' tactic is extremely slimy practice5
Our company does internal projects. I send emails to owners with all the links for a sales funnel. 2 weeks go by, no feedback, we launch, and then I get changes.
Sometimes months will go by and one guy will notice something on a page and be like 'how longs this been there?'
Months... Did you read the email?
Always the same guy.4
Talking to a vendor in China to source some hardware modules. The engineers don't speak any English, and the sales rep doesn't know a serial port from a monkey's ass. Shortest game of Chinese whispers 😥4
· 10 sales on Play Store
· 1 star review because "good app, but doesn't have that particular function"
· 0 sales on Play Store4
Sales: Hey @chenb0x, we told the Client that you were a phone phreak and could make any communication device work.
Me: Well, I don't think that's such a good idea becau-
Sales: Oh, you can do it! Here's the equivalent of a black box and a pocket knife. Have fun!
Me: But, Sales I reall-
Well then..... t( '-' t)1
We've had a project we knew was going to happen since February, and every 2-3 weeks we have been requesting feature requirements and gear to work on (hardware for test automation).
1 month ago we got the official request. 2 weeks ago sales said no to ordering equipment. Sales is now asking for weekly progress updates.
My boss said we have documentation of our asking and the group director (bosses' boss) is behind us saying, "work to make it function, not to get it done quickly."
Sometimes things work out.
Fucking hatttteeee airports... I'm a developer not in fucking sales.
My boss let's me fix bugs at the client5
Rewrote a dashboard on my own in under 6 months helping them to secure some major sales and investment.
So I've spent the past 2 months or so integrating a payments provider with a terrible API, only to find that the provider is missing a core feature that they claimed to have in their sales pitch. I have no idea what will become of a large part of my work, it's so draining to work around a total garbage API6
I'm absolutely jealous of those lucky few that spend like 30 minutes developing some really simple phone game and then get hundreds of thousands of dollars in return because it has millions of sales in that month of popularity.
Looking at you flappy bird!1
This has just happened
general channel to discuss sonos.
I have sales team less than 1m away.
this office is a fucking pub.
free beers, people telling jokes and
having non work conversations, free beer/wine.
The dream! unless you want to code.
if you want to code....ah NO WFH POLICY.
Sales team wants a discount to go live at midnight, but doesn't realize that requires someone to stay up to push a button at midnight.. It's ok, I don't need a life.4
Most difficult part is to work with company where all senior admins are from sales. They never f*cking idea about developers problems.
Just give time to end user customer before 3 month schedule. and now thinking, we can do 3 months working in 4 days.
The sales people think nine women can deliver a baby in just One month. just pushing me to hire new developers.4
So our sales rep got this email from some random dude yesterday (jan 12) saying he wants a simple webpage with a video background and some shit and that it's upmost important that it's done by jan 21.
Ignoring the fact that we are busy af, i thought well yeah it's doable. A simple onepager with some nice elements and some shit, ez pz.
In the email he also sent a link to a website simmilar to what he wants (as an example i presume) and it turned out to be a fully functional blog, a medium sized webshop (by the looks of it) and a whole lot of other stuff.
He didn't state a budget but seeing his demands I'd say his budget isn't much more than a couple of hundred €.2
I have played different roles on different companies and all my mother says to people is that I 'work with computers', same for friends that work on manufacturing or as sales engineers. It really pissed me off.1
a few months ago: We definitely will not be doing direct to consumer sales
today: I need you to look into setting up an e-commerce site so we can sell directly to the customer2
Got the job! Now have to dig into Lumen and VUE.js 😞. The most terrifying part about new jobs to me is meeting the expectation for quick learning and integration with a companies desired frameworks. Developers simply deserve to be in the highest pay grade. I'm convinced we put in more time and effort into our trade then most other occupations. Especially sales, fuck the idea that whomever sits closest to the money profits the most. Getting paid twice a devs salary to eat, drink and be merry on the companies dime as long as it's client related. Must be nice11
"let's put an advert right next to the login/registration area so everyone can see the ads"
Thanks for reminding why I love adblock, how retarded you are and why you should never be allowed to touch ux/ui.
f your theory about users != customers.
Hope better ads standards slaps in your face, HARD1
Most commerce site are actually disgusting with how much screen real estate taken up by navbars and useless options.
People visit for the content and products yet they make it so hard to fucking use. Those sites deserve a lack of online sales.1
I signed up for a trial of some time tracking software. Apparently the company that owns it is incredibly aggressive with their sales department. They sent me 10 emails within the first week (still sending even though I unsubscribed) and have started calling me every day. What have I gotten myself into.2
Why some (ok, a lot of) sales and buying guys are there just to transform any service experience in something bad?
In my experience, most sales guys promises anything, with absurd deadlines and it's up to you to make it work. Things never get good enough and, after all, the client doesn't like the work, you don't like and the sales guy doesn't like you could not make a perfectly task.
Buying guys are even worse when buying services. Email 30 developers in BCC: "Hi, I need this done by tomorrow morning and I would like to know how much you charge for it. I need your proposals in the next 30 minutes". He closes the deal with the fastest and cheapest proposal.
These things make absolutely no sense to me.
Me: "we need a new VoIP solution for our office."
Sales: "we're certified"
Me: "we need a new VoIP solution for our office."
Sales: "YOUR WHOLE IT INFRASTRUCTURE IS OUTDATED, UPGRADE ASAP!"
This is why I prefer mails so much over telephoning.2
"Gmail was launched as an invitation-only beta release on April 1, 2004 and it became available to the general public on February 7, 2007, though still with beta status."
Then read this, and consider the date. And the fact about how blatant the intent was. I can't believe I never thought about it.7
Introducing the new DiLDO, where lack of security will, quite literally, fuck you in the arse
When your in a sales meeting and the sales manager says "we release new client features in as soon as the next day"
............ I'm already the only software engineer1
How hard it is percieved by management to do something in code is proportional to whether or not it's a task that sales or the CEO wants, versus what the developers need. Developers want to rewrite something, or fix infrastructure? Too much work can't justify it. Sales wants to clone Google Search? We'll expect it by next month.1
Network (people not infrastructure)
My first programming job was because of someone I knew in college worked there. Strangely he also got me my fourth programming job.
My fifth job was a recruiter. First time that ever worked. But it does work.
The biggest thing to remember that in an interview you are selling yourself. So you need to understand a little of sales and marketing.
Trying to integrate with sales force API via oath2 has made me lose all confidence in myself as a programmer.4
When your sales guy sells your web based platform as an app when you've just finished making it responsive for mobile devices......3
Fucking job recruiters or whoever the fuck.
If the first line on my resume is under "Objective" and it states, "To obtain a job, internship, or Co-op in the field of Networking, Cybersecurity, or Administration." You can clearly see the world sales and customer service are not in there.
If you take 5 seconds to read that or search for the words customer service or sales YOU WON'T FUCKING FIND ANYTHING.
SO WHY THE FLYING FUCK DO YOU CUMBUCKET FILLED PIECES OF SHIT KEEP OFFERING SALES AND CUSTOMER JOBS TO ME.
I even got a senior sales position before. :|
Yet I can't even get a call back from an internship that's related to what I want to do lol. Smh.1
When sales guys and clients meet up after a successful project, meanwhile the guys that actually did it all are non existent.
a startup founder pleading with me over months to use his product but cannot ever give me one reason why it would be useful to me1
I'm the first person in 4 generations that works in a tech/hands-on area.
Everyone in my family works in media, sales, diamonds, law, business and teachers(in Yiddish it's called Luft-gescheft- air business)
They have no clue what I'm doing and how I got where I am and see it as a waste of time.2
Promise customer something non-existent
Complain big time that engineering is not co-operating in getting the order out in time. (without which you won't get your end of year sales performance bonus)
Comment about the product being sub standard. Rant about how engineering "great" products must be the philosophy. Blah blah blah...
Offer to provide your fucking support to make the product better despite not being responsible for it.Be the greater person.
Deliver the product. Pocket your bonus. Make jokes about how bad the product is and how you won't sell it again to protect the company brand reputation.
Rinse and repeat.
Customer: "no obligation quote: upgrading 20 pc from ME to XP."
Sales dept.: "what? Lol?" *incredibly expensive ME to Windows 10 upgrade service quote*
Changes in the sales process enabled users to break it. I fixed the problem and suggested how to corrected those broken sales. PM wants to make tomorrow a day of meetings with stakeholders and other PMs to discuss if I should get to spend few hours fixing it.
Guess Ill tell them then that I already wrote a app on my way home that fixes it.....
PMs... be wary working for sales people. They are are really good at getting you to say "Yes" to a simple project, then piling on new scope as an "upsell".
It's a skill in their domain. It's a trap in ours.2
Ideally, there would be 3 engineers and 2 sales people. The engineers would pair with the sales folks on calls to figure out what customers need and hire designers to design just want needs to be built. Everyone would be responsible, not over commit, not oversell, and figure out creative ways to make the company money and achieve technological superiority.
so the Sales Guy emails Me that he needs something ccing the CEO of my company bypassing all the Managers under who I am currently working with ?
May be I should feel good he didn't cced the U.S. President :/1
I have a dream that one day the sales people will consult with a developer on time and effort estimates before making ridiculous promises to the client.5
My first job was being a sales clerk. I exel macroed my way to my coworkers hearts. Today im just a simple developer, and I love my job!
Client: Can you put all the add on products we sell into the MDSL (Master Daily Sales Log)
Why aren't you adding them to the new console system? It allows you to add them and tracks all actions on the sale.
Client: The Health Agents don't know how to do that, and I think the manger hasn't added them into the system....yup he didn't add them.
Me: So how are you tracking the addon products you are selling?
Client: I don't know. Can you just add them to the MDSL.
Me: I wrote the console system to replace the MDSL, why are you using the spaghetti code system I wrote 8 years ago?
Client: They like it better because of this one report they use.
Me: I rewrote that report for the new system and it even gives more info.
Client: But the owner doesn't trust it, because it shows conversions and sales instead of just sales.
Used to work for a company that offered outsourcing services to clients. One time a sales person passed me a description of what is to be done as: "copy some data from old to these two new servers". He charged pocket change for that task. Told me what servers to bring along.
When I get there, the IT person in charge told me to migrate two separate Active Directory servers to new machines.
Generally it's all just moving some data around. Though AD migration is a pretty easy task once you know how to do, I still take it as undermining the value of skills required to do it.
Stupid teammate fucks up his subsystem which mine depends on leaving all of my work completely useless. Then he hogs the spotlight from the other team members who did do something during the presentation.
He'll make a great salesman one day.
I used to work for an owner of a company that just would not order/buy anything that we needed. If we were running out of a license for something, he would wait until at least a week after it expired to renew it. We lost so many sales and trust from people because of that fuck.
New bossman is looking for KPIs.
We're an agile team who build a back end system for a large corporation. Specifically the system we build is used by the sales guys when they are putting through a sale. I have no idea where to start with KPIs.
Can't measure number of sales as that's down to the salesmen. Can't measure speed of sale as again that's down to the salesman and how much they chat.
I can make sales people's lives easier or harder based on how I prioritise tasks... They learn to use manners when they realise my power!
Open up new client issue ticket...
“I want my site to appear on the first page of Google. I know only about 10% of our sales come from our site, but it’s importent that we appear professional.”
Well, start by proofing your ticket and the other 500 typos I found in the content you sent me, sir.
How long your f boss gives you a time to develop analytics dasboard for sales reporting with customization in ERP system ?
My f boss force me to finish that f task within a week - 3.
I need your opinion.8
Responding to a numb sales guys joke with "do you know the best about UDP jokes? - I don't care if you don't get it! " ...turnin around left the hallway... Unbeatable
Fucking sales people get to leave early if they meet some targets... You'd have no fucking targets to meet if wasn't for us on the dev team! Godamn bullshit!
What does this mean? I genuinely don't understand this job title. Is he doing his sales pitch in python or something?1
I have a unique opportunity to go to the websummit for peanuts.
As the staff requires us to install the websummit app before the event, I did yesterday....
Now I'm being literally spammed by every sales person on the app chat. Some even posted *before I registered* !
My god, they're everywhere !1
Rant two of monday!!
We are in a new office. Bigger than the previous one. Fine.
We are away from sales team (check previous rants about sales team and their hero #boringman)
Cool. We still hear him and them but it's better.
Boring man stops by tech team table to ask how many lines of code we have done today or in the last <period of time>.
We have solved nothing.
Boring man is veeeeery bored.
So, our Sales Manager asked us, "what is maximum file size for jpeg banner ad?"
I said, "maximum at 100KB per file"
She asked another question, "what is minimum file size?"
I said, "err... 0 bytes"2
There's a humble bumble special Python with a 6-month Pycharm pro + 50$ in digital ocean + Fluent Python + talk.python classes + more at 25$.
A portion of the sales go to the Python foundation, it's a super good deal!!!1
The Windows 10 Mobile division had just gotten together for after work beer, when they heard the latest sales numbers.1
When I was at my previous sales job, explaining the same sales pitch for the 987345284th time, listening to my customers' every irrational need, I suddenly realised I wanted to work with something rational and logical. Best insight of my life!
It seems that Thing from Adams Family is the new spokes-err-hand for laptop sales these days...
Every laptop ad has a disembodied hand touching the screen.
Very tired of people that turn around to me and say “this is sales, you have to know your audience, it’s not based on truth and logic”... basically an excuse for telling outright lies and expecting me to pick up the pieces when reality bites and the lies come back to haunt them, all for the sake of “closing the deal”8
Boss changes plan & schedule for this year's projects at least 5 times within 3 weeks.
Since everything changes so frequently, would you mind making the following changes as well:
1) Give everyone a better PC/Mac
2) Get a better PM
3) A sales team that can sell things
Or maybe a more creative, decisive and organised boss so we can have all 3 wishes at once just like Kinder Surprise
That spit-take you make when you find that another programmer made it so that manipulating a date in a url creates a row in the database for sales info that doesn’t exist!
I hate myself. I’m trying to grow my client base by proactively cold-calling and cold-emailing and cold-visiting dozens of likely prospects. There just appears to be no other way to do this in my area. I don’t have the thousands of dollars per month required to get traction in online ads. Why do I hate myself? Because I have to stoop as low as the sales bros I can’t stand to be around. Feeling like a car salesman in a cheap pinstriped suit. I got into tech so I wouldn’t have to do this crap. But how am I supposed to get clients without the shuck and jive of being a salesman? Ugh.2
Fuck you Windows 10!
Trying to help a sales guy setup his adapter to work on a manual network setup (not DHCP). It shows familiar IPV4 settings and then I see this:
"IPV4 Subnet Prefix Length" I decided it was related to netmask "255.255.255.0" or whatever. Tried the number 3. Worked fine. Talked to a colleague and he said it should be the bits of the netmask. So 24.
So WHY THE FUCK does Windows 10 on an update change the way we setup manual networks that has been in use for 40 years?! I realize you can still do the netmask version via Control Panel. I get that. However, the last time I helped this sales person it asked for netmask using the exact method for setting up manual network setting. So why change this on an update?
I like Windows 10 mostly, but this kind of fuckery is stupid. Stop changing shit just to change shit!3
I somehow like it when some of our sales or project guys have to ask the customer what we sold 'em.
I will never understand why they humiliate themselves that much instead of getting their shit straight at least for the next proposal.
Gotta love waking up to a notification from Apple Seed saying "iMac Pro is now available."
Since I did sales I knew some pricing ahead of time, but after looking at the upgrades and the max price, all I can say is, what the fuck.
Welp, that was enough of Apple for the day.4
Why would anyone want to study and have years of experience in boring-ass jobs like QA, BI,specific enterprise applications consultant(e.g SAP/Salesforce), PC technician, helpdesk, integrator or sales.
I understand people who lack experience in more sexy stuff and have no choice, or do this temporarily. But I met some people who do it for years out of their own will. Why? There are far more interesting jobs in the tech world.
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Sales guy: Client has a new requirement, wants it by the weekend.
Me: but did you tell him why we've an alternative for this here.
Sales guy: cool, complete it by weekend then.
I read https://devrant.com/rants/1845851/...
I was going to comment until I realized it was a post from 300 days ago.
Just want to say ask you how it went or give a post mortem. Also Congratulations. I hope you brought a long run way when you started almost a year ago.
Remember starting is 80% of finishing, and carrying through is the other 20%.
Success looks easy when all you see are the success stories. Steve jobs wasn't the most famous marketer, he was the most famous salesman, and what he sold was a dream.
Marketing is a buzzword, and a lot of companies try to use marketing as a replacement for sales people, but nothing really beats a good sales person or team. Thats the secret to marketing: forgo it as much as possible and work on sales and relationships instead. Awareness is nice, but money and sales are better.
This coming from a guy who had six businesses by the time he was twenty six and helped his family to start two other successful businesses.
Apparently I'm good at helping other people make money just not good at helping myself do it.
What I've learned is if you can get 1 customer you can get 10 and if you can get 10 you can get 100. And then keep going.
In 2019, we still find a contact form with a required checkbox to register at the newsletter and sales solicitation.2
Special work area meeting. Partners from around the globe came in. Call in or you flew in. Close enough, have to attend in person. Hundreds of people there. Starts at 9, broke at noon, picked back up at 1, ended at 6. Focus? Improving sales. About 98% of the people there did not make sales. About 70% did not work on bids and proposals. It was extremely painful and boring. And my project manager didn't know why we were so upset the next day. It had been extremely "informative" to her.1
Doing client work can really be a pain in the ass. Especially clients, describing something very specifically (e.g. "I want my customers to have a menu like PRESS 1 FOR SALES when calling our business number"), and when given the name ("so, an IVR-system?"), discarding the solution, just because they didn't know what it was called.
I hate working with idiots.1
Maybe we hate sales/business people so much because they're always thinking about the future while we are in present.1
Stupid sales department adding features to the project just to justify numbers of the quotation when the client has no need for it..
I know the price to get 13Kg of cargo to Mars, why do I have to get a quote from a sales person for some dumbass web app?
When sales throws you under a bus because you never answer emails promptly about their pet project, yet multiple emails to them asking for a specification for that project go unanswered. When I mentioned the multiple emails the vp of company advised that they do not have the time for trivial stuff such as emails.
This company I've been working with and am extremely enthusiastic about has unfortunately begun caving into the sales team who promises clients a wide set of features with each contract. I know how this road goes and there will end up being client specific features broken up within the core product. This scares the living shit out of me.13
Show sales/marketing a feature working flawlessly: "neat."
Show them a slightly buggy feature:
"why doesn't that work yet, what do we pay you for, I thought you said this was easy!" -_-
When I was doing my onboarding training for work, we had to do a group exercise. We had to build a small app using Spring MVC connecting to a MySQL database.
We had a team of 4 people, and I think I was the only person who wrote a single line of Java the whole day.
One person decided that she would build the DB schema, so I thought ok fair enough I will make a start on hooking up Spring. But the other 2 decided that they would “focus on making it look pretty”.
Several hours later what they had basically managed to do was import Bootstrap.
We ended up with only one screen to demo while other groups had 3-4.
Thats not the only story I have where Im in a group project and basically end up writing all the code. I’ll post the other one later.
I got offered a sales engineering role with a huge bump to my current salary (3x). Money is not everything to me 3 times my current salary is kind of attractive. The work is supposedly a lot more and also more stressful than my current one (software developer). In this role I would also finally be able to travel a lot more and have continuously new challenges and new projects. What is the big down side, what should I consider, why should I not do? Convince me to turn down that offer.2
One of the most irritating things is when a marketing or a sales guy comes up with something so fucking simple and obvious but it starts gaining the smallest amount of traction and then the bastard starts acting as if he is Steve Jobs.
My client wants me to "help increase sales" by applying seo voodoo. For over two years they didn't even have Analytics. Now, after 12 days they're asking me what do I make of the results. Like that's a meaningful amount of data for analysis.3
Given the number of people on here who say "I'm learning" or "I want to learn", I saw this and thought I'd post it. Sorry if a repost or advertising or otherwise not really acceptable, but might be of use to someone.
Google announced that android apps could run on Chrome Os as a native desktop applications. To be honest, as an android developer I'm too happy about this! Do you think it will boost up chrome book sales. Maybe, Chrome OS is becoming a mainstream OS? What do you think about it?11
Me and my team is facing a weird issue. The sales head is saying
"Sale is not happening because Tech is not working"
And our product is a door to door selling product.
We come up with a solution to let us sell the product and sales guy will handle the software development.
The response was "Its not our job". Its make me angry that people do know to poke in other people businesses but don't want to take responsibility.
Spent 5 hours deploying the product to a dedicated private VPN to integrate with customer's corporate network.
Boss: You have to coordinate with the sales team to deploy it on their computers.
Sales Team: This shortcut shows Internet Explorer icon can we change it to our product icon?
Trying to think of a profession I dislike more than software sales... has anyone ever met one who wasn't full of shit?1
Dear owner of websitex.com,
How do you expect your website to perform and increase sales with so many 404s, no meta titles and descriptions etc... (blah, blah, blah for a page)
Me: very glad to hear that, I took it down, deleted the files and let the domain name lapse 2 years ago... XXX
If you had to evacuate your office due to a fire without your laptop and the office was destroyed could you continue to work? Do you have offsite recovery laptops?
Developers usually have flexibility where they can work from but sometimes do not have backup machines available and configured.
As a side question - would your other critical processes - accounting, HR, sales be able to continue to keep your business going in a disaster - or would they be like deer in headlights?6
So I've been looking for a job in tech but outside the development and coding, but still in the tech niche, something like tech sales if its even a thing, however I've yet to find something like this that isn't either an old post or expired already, or asking for way too much experience, so any recommendations will be much appreciated.
Thanks in advance,4
rather wait for next gen mobile gpu (gtx 2070 max q,...) before buying a laptop or now, because of some good after-xmas-sales?
I work as a developer where I mainly work on internal solutions. The worst fucking part about this, is how we're basically always the fallback for fucking everytging. Sales dept are constantly selling services without knowing if it's even possible, not checking if we need new hardware and shit like that.
Every time the sales person wants a quote, they send me the proposal, I read the first line and think, "What the fuck does this even mean?"
Experience, intuition and 50-200% risk premium.
For me it is important to not put too much effort in it, as the developer estimation is usually mangled through sales and management anyway and doesn't have much to do with the final price.
And as nobody really bases internal budget and schedule on it as well, it's kind of pointless in most cases.
@ all Android Devs:
anyone experiencing crappy App sales on Google Play but top numbers on Amazon Appstore?
Wondering if Google is keeping me buried as I don't pay for advertising... Bastards
Sitepoint perpetually lightboxing trying to sell some product i don't want when I'm just looking something up, fffs1
That feeling when sales tax from buying a new computer goes towards that Sublime Text license you've been putting off...
Fucking rounding I hate you, trying to write sales figures to an accounting system API that is using some kind of fucked up rounding method that will not balance no matter what I do. Agghh1
Is there a reason sales people and managers think the request of, "The user would like a report" is at all helpful. I guess I will just write them a report that prints report on it.
I shake my head at companies who think sending me unsolicited emails/texts is going to encourage me to do business with them. :P3
With black Friday sale already going on, yet I don't get paid till this Friday. I see deals that I'd love to get. How about you lot?
Any worthy deals that you couldn't resist?
Can't decide who I hate the most... the sales guy or the project manager. Both make my job impossible!
So udemy are currently doing sales
Can you guys recommend me some courses to buy? Of whatever subject you like (development, business, etc...)1
Was watching a traditional pottery show. Just realized how amazing the hand made pots are, but with decreasing sales seems like this art is gonna die soon. Now with so many languages and frameworks popping like anything, just waiting for myself to get obsolete.