Some empty-headed helpdesk girl skipped into our office yesterday afternoon, despite the big scary warning signs glued to the door.

"Hey, when I log in on my phone, the menu is looking weird"

"Uh... look at my beard"

"What"

"Just look at this beard!"

"Uh.... OK"

"Does this look like a perfectly groomed beard"

"Uh... it's pretty nice I guess"

"You don't have to lie"

She looks puzzled: "OK... maybe it could use a little trimming. Uh... a lot of trimming". "I still like it though" she adds, trying hard to be polite.

"I understand you just started working here. But the beard... the beard should make it clear. See the office opposite to this one?"

"Yeah"

"Perfectly groomed ginger beards. It's all stylish shawls and smiles and spinach smoothies. Those people are known as frontend developers, they care about pixels and menus. Now look at my beard. It is dark and wild, it has some gray stress hairs, and if you take a deep breath it smells like dust and cognac mixed with the tears caused by failed deploys. Nothing personal, but I don't give a fuck what a menu looks like on your phone."

She looked around, and noticed the other 2 tired looking guys with unshaven hobo chins. To her credit, she pointed at the woman in the corner: "What about her, she doesn't seem to have a beard"

Yulia, 1.9m long muscled database admin from Ukraine, lets out a heavy sigh. "I do not know you well enough yet to show you where I grow my unkempt graying hairs... . Now get lost divchyna."

Helpdesk girl leaves the scene.

Joanna, machine learning dev, walks in: "I saw a confused blonde lost in the hallway, did you give her the beard speech?"

"Yeah" -- couldn't hold back a giggle -- "haha now she'll come to you"

Joanna: "No I already took care of it"

"How?"

"She started about some stupid menu, so I just told her to smell my cup". Joanna, functional alcoholic, is holding her 4pm Irish coffee. "I think this living up to our stereotype tactic is working, because the girl laughed and nodded like she understood, and ran off to the design department"

Me: "I do miss shaving though"

!rant
Me to my bf: You smell. Go shower.
Him: I don't feel like it...
Me: Sudo go shower.
Him: Goddamn it Rudi..
*wait for it*
*He showers*
Me: *evil chuckle* I gotta post this to devRant

tl;dr don't, just don't.

A curious little me (12-14 years) just stated using the family shared computer.
And he thought: It's so slow! Maybe I can make it faster, my parents would be happy!

So he looked at this little switch on the back and he switched it from 230 to 115.

Not knowing what he did, he turned the PC on... for the last time.

Smoke, a nasty smell and a loud bang were the last memories left behind.

The parents were not happy.

Was lead developer at a small startup, I was hiring and had a budget to add 3 new people to my team to develop a new product for the company.

Some context first and then the rant!

Candidate 1 - Amazing, a dev I worked with before who was under utilized at the previous company. Still a junior, but, she was a quick learner and eager to expand her knowledge, never an issue.

Candidate 2 - Kickass dev with back end skills and extras, he was always eager to work a bit more than what was expected. I use to send him home early to annoy him. haha!

Candidate 3 - Lets call him P.

In the interview he answers every question perfectly, he asks all the right questions and suggests some things I havent even thought of. CTO goes ahead and says we should skip the technical test and just hire the guy, his smart and knows what his talking about, I agree and we hire him. (We where a bit desperate at this stage as well.)

He comes in a week early to pick up his work laptop to get setup before he starts the next week, awesome! This guy is going to be an asset to the company, cant wait to have him join the team - The CTO at this stage is getting ready to leave the company and I will be taking over the division and need someone to take over lead position, he seems like the guys to do it.

The guys starts the next week, he comes in and the laptop we gave him is now a local server for testing and he will be working off his own laptop, no issue, we are small so needed a testing stack, but wasnt really needed since we had procedures in place for this already.

Here is where everything goes wrong!!! First day goes great... Next day he gets in early 6:30am (Nice! NO!), he absolutely smells, no stinks, of weed, not a light smell, the entire fucking office smells of weed! (I have no problem with weed, just dont make it my problem to deal with). I get called by boss and told to sort this out people are complaining! I drive to office and have a meeting with him, he says its all good he understands. (This was Friday).

Monday comes around - Get a call from Boss at 7:30am. Whole office smells like weed, please talk to P again, this cannot happen again. I drive to office again, and he again says it wont happen again, he has some issues with back pain and the weed helps.

Tuesday - Same fucking thing! And now he doesnt want to sign for the laptop("server") that was given to him, and has moved to code in the boardroom, WHERE OUR FUCKING CLIENTS WILL BE VIEWING A DEMO THAT DAY OF THE PRODUCT!! Now that whole room smells like weed, FML!

Wednesday - We send P a formal letter that he is under probation, P calls me to have a meeting. In the meeting he blames me for not understanding "new age" medicine, I ask for his doctors prescription and ask why he didnt tell me this in the interview so I could make arrangements, we dont care if you are stoned, just do good work and be considerate to your co-workers. P cant provide these and keeps ranting, I suggest he takes pain killers, he has none of it only "new age" medicine for him.

Thursday - I ask him to rather "work" from home till we can get this sorted, he comes in for code reviews for 2 weeks. I can clearly see he has no idea how the system works but is trying, I thought I will dive deeper and look at all of his code. Its a mess, nothing makes sense and 50% of it is hard coded (We are building a decentralized API for huge data sets so this makes no sense).

Friday - In code review I confront him about this, he has excuses for everything, I start asking him harder questions about the project and to explain what we are building - he goes quiet and quits on the spot with a shitty apology.

From what I could make out he was really smart when it came to theory but interpreting the theory to actual practice wasnt possible for him, probably would have been easier if he wasnt high all the time.

I hate interview code tests, but learned a valuable lesson that day! Always test for some code knowledge as well even if you hate doing it, ask the right questions and be careful who you hire! You can only bullshit for so long in coding before someone figures out that you are a fraud.

!rant
Deployed my first website to production yesterday and the world isn't burning, the error logs have been empty and my (non-tech) colleagues think it is amazing.
I'm somewhat proud of myself.

I am amazed. I witnessed (mostly heard) a 14 year old girl calm down a young adult female suffering an anxiety attack before I managed to push through people on the tram. She told her to close her eyes, breath, tell her what she smells, then open her eyes, name first thing that she sees, then look left, name first thing, etc.

This is called sensory grounding and it works. And yeah, what she did was pretty awesome but this isn't what amazed me the most. I asked where she learned that and she said "from a game about apes". And I knew exactly which game she meant. There's a title called Ancestors: The Humankind Odyssey and among many interesting mechanics there's one that puts the player in a state of anxiety when they venture into an unknown territory. The way to win that part is by analyzing surroundings by vision, hearing and the sense of smell before a panic countdown goes to zero. It's called "conquering your fear". Holly fuck, I played that and I didn't connect the dots. Are games nowadays teaching kids how to handle real life crisis? Where were those games when I was a kid??

Disclaimer: kinda non dev related. Just working to pay the bills right now.

The other day I ran for the train to work, don't want to be fucking late, right?

Arrived and this guy asked me this: (I have a sweating/transpiration problem but I'm fully aware of that)

"hey man, ever heard of fucking showers or deodorant?!"

Yes, I was sweating my ass off and you could smell me but I can't FUCKING help that.

It was very embarrassing and humiliating to get that kinda comment in front of like 30 people but I just swallowed it and went to work.

After the first break, a woman from management came to me and pulled me aside. A few people had complained about how that guy from before said some pretty humiliating stuff to me and she said that the guy received a warning and was told to fucking learn to treat people with respect, regardless of their (health) issues/appearance. I also got an apology and a sorry and if I could keep my eyes open for such behaviour in the future.

I'm very glad that she apologized although it wasn't her fault because I know I've got this health issue and I can't do anything about it yet but it can MOTHERFUCKING hurt when someone talks shit about me when I smell and I CAN'T FUCKING HELP IT BECAUSE THIS IS THE WAY MY BODY WORKS TOO BADLY.

I felt protected and safe about my issue for the first time in my life.

Thanks management!

One step through the door my wife whips around, a look so disgusted she barely seems human. "What's that smell?" she cries. "It's you! You smell like...like bad code!"

Indeed, I am covered with the scent of the forbidden love child of a man who read half a chapter on if-then statements and then pushed out into the world, earthworm-like, a mangled misshapened gelatinous mass that my employer gave the title of line-of-business application purely out of pity.

For more days than I'd like to count I have been porting a ColdFusion 5 application to .NET. Initially written in 2000 and last touched in 2006, it has a data architecture comparable to Dresden after the second world war. It features a table solely comprised of seven columns of IDs so that joins can be made between other tables lacking a common key. Columns that should be contained within a single table spread out among multiple tables. Single columns containing data that should be multiple columns (with handy flags to separate the subsets). A view with 14 joins that playfully displays unintended results. And so much more spread out over almost 200 stored procedures, views, triggers, and tables on the SQL server, and dozens of additional ADO-like SQL statements within the ColdFusion itself. Fortunately, the application overcomes these issues by having absolutely no data validation while allowing nulls pretty much everywhere.

When I am done this will be a very nice ASP.NET MVC app with at least 150 less stored procs, views, and tables. Auto-generated duplicate entries will be a thing of the past. Pop-up windows that inexplicably refresh the underlying screen to display a different part of the program than the one the user wants will be eliminated. And a UI based on the colors of a Rubik's Cube with usability that Mr. Rubik would find challenging will disappear with only the trauma of using it left behind.

Sadly, this is not my worse legacy code experience. Just the most recent. Just the most recent stench added to a lifetime of bathing in code rot.

We have open office. I had this co-worker Intern who sits right at the corner of the development team and farts silently. Sometimes there's no smell or little but sometimes it smells like he has shit on this pants.

No one knew that he was the one who farts in the office because he was always quiet and doing his job and doesn't react whenever anyone says anything to him.

On a friday evening when we were having drinks with other coi-workers in the office, he got high and told everyone that he was the one who farts silently in the office. Actually that was his last day of Internship too.

This startup I started working for with their shitty code base written by interns, restrictive sys admin who had no actual use in the company since I was the one setting up their servers, know-it-all CEO, stupid HR representative who used to grill employees for being 10 minutes late in the morning, very small apartment "HQ", using fingerprints to signal our entry and our leave to and from the office, no formal process, and, to top it all, monitoring our own laptops which we use for work with a software that takes screenshots every few minutes. In short, it had the worst in corporates with the worst of startups combined in one company.

If, hypothetically, we could overlook all this, I couldn't overlook the horrible smell this place had. The apartment was overlooking a small garden which was a home for many stray cats and dogs. You can imagine how horrible this smell was. The weird thing was that no one there seemed to really care about the smell!!

I lasted there for only one week before I gave my resignation and I believe I had every right to do so.

I smell burnt electronics.... Somewhere. Can't find it. Look, unplug, smell, plug in, look smell, unplug, smell, dance, can't find it.

I need a young priest and an old priest.

colleague: My laptop wont start, I don't know what happend. It worked this morning.
me: alright, Ill take a look at it.

I walk down to another room and proceed to open it up. Some kind of smell is rising from the poor laptop. I know that scent.
The motherboard is completely soaked into coffe, with milk.
I walk up the colleague:

me: do you prefer coffe with milk och without?
colleague: haha, it depends on what mood I am in. ( she is obviously stressed about it )
me: that poor laptop of yours, is dead. You soaked it in your coffe
colleague: haha what? No I have not. It worked last night when I used it ( notice how she changed "this morning" to "last night".

I just walk away, and I hope that the insurance does not cover this shit.

My Love I am writing to you from the front lines roughly 1 month into Microsoft Access. I hope you are doing alright and no harm has found you.

You might have heard the news that it has not been going well for us. The truth is we were not prepared in any way for this. We are constantly facing problems with the code and when we understand one function another two are referenced inside of that function.

The high command does not provide us guidance, truth be told I do not think they know what their application is doing. I am surprised we got this far. Our new objective is to focus our primary forces on the if/else and cases. The name for this assault is "Operation Logical Function" and I fear for my life as I do not know what is in those cases or where the road will lead.

Morale is very low, many of the soldiers spend time writing letters to their loved ones, recreating their blog for the 5th time or just daydreaming when they were free from this tyranny of legacy war.

For now , I long to be in your arms and smell your lilac and gooseberries cologne I love so much

My love and thoughts always with you , your John

WordPress related, get ready for some disgust.

So today early in the morning my boss forwarded me an email from a client, it was about a bug, and asked me if I can have a look at it and fix it.
"Yaay, WordPress!" I thought and opened the page containing the mentioned bug. She wrote that in the italian version of the page, users can select dates in the calendar, which should be disabled, like in the german version.

So yeah, I opened the code. Everything in the function looked perfect. Really. And the Data was also correctly set in the backend of WP.

The function was only 3 lines of code:

- Get the german post ID of the current post (german or italian) by its ID (using a Polylang function)

- Get an Advanced Custom Fields field by name and from a post with the ID from before

- json_encode its content and echo it to a JS var for initialization and later use in some AngularJS.

No fucking missing semicolon, it was fucking perfect like a sunset with your soulmate.

So I tried to find the bug with my personal way of debugging:

"Shitstream Debugging"
When a creek suddenly is full of water mixed with shit, walk upstream through the turds until you reach clear water. This is where the bug is.

=> So I first looked at the HTML source: Turds.
=> Then the ACF field content: Still turds.
=> Then the ID of the german post: Shit stain and turds (var_dump: null)
=> Please god at least $post->ID? Nope, fart smell and turds.
=> Nothing more to check: Clear fucking water and the flowery smell of 99 devVirgins

So it replaced $post->IT with get_the_ID() and it worked like a charm.

Afterwards I feel stupid, but $post->IT worked all the times before...

Conclusion:
FUCK YOU WORDPRESS YOU UGLY PIECE OF HUMAN-CENTIPEDE-PROCESSED-DOGFART.

Thanks for your patience.
Only one beer was sucked dry during the writing of this fucking rant.

I’m adding some fucking commas.
It should be trivial, right?
They’re fucking commas. Displayed on a fucking webpage. So fucking hard.

What the fuck is this even? Specifically, what fucking looney morons can write something so fucking complicated it requires following the code path through ten fucking files to see where something gets fucking defined!?

There are seriously so fucking many layers of abstraction that I can’t even tell where the bloody fucking amount transforms from a currency into a string. I’m digging so deep in the codebase now that any change here will break countless other areas. There’s no excuse for this shit.

I have two options:
A) I convert the resulting magically conjured string into a currency again (and of course lose the actual currency, e.g. usd, peso, etc.), or

B) Refactor the code to actually pass around the currency like it’s fucking intended to be, and convert to a string only when displaying. Like it’s fucking intended to be.

Impossible decision here.

If I pick (A) I get yelled at because it’s bloody wrong. “it’s already for display” they’ll say. Except it isn’t. And on top of that, the “legendary” devs who wrote this monstrosity just assumed the currency will always be in USD. If I’m the last person to touch this, I take the blame. Doesn’t matter that “legendary Mr. Apple dev” wrote it this way. (How do I know? It’s not the first time this shit has happened.) So invariably it’ll be up to me to fix anyway.

But if I pick (B) and fix it now, I’ll get yelled at for refactoring their wonderful code, for making this into too big of a problem (again), and for taking on something that’s “just too much for me.” Assholes. My après Taco Bell bathroom experiences look and smell better than this codebase. But seriously, only those two “legendary” devs get to do any real refactoring or make any architecture decisions — despite many of them being horribly flawed. No one else is even close to qualified… and “qualified” apparently means circle jerking it in Silicon Valley with the other better-than-everyone snobs, bragging about themselves and about one another. MojoJojo. “It was terrible, but it fucking worked! It fucking worked!” And “I can’t believe <blah> wanted to fix that thing. No way, this is a piece of history!” Go fuck yourselves.

So sorry I don’t fit in your stupid club.

Oh, and as an pointed, close-at-hand example of their wonderful code? This API call I’m adding commas to (it’s only used by the frontend) uses a json instance variable to store the total, errors, displayed versions of fees/charges (yes they differ because of course they do), etc. … except that variable isn’t even defined anywhere in the class. It’s defined three. fucking. abstraction. layers. in. THREE! AND. That wonderful piece of smelly garbage they’re so proud of can situationally modify all of the other related instance variables like the various charges and fees, so I can’t just keep the original currency around, or even expect the types to remain the same. It’s global variable hell all over again.

Such fucking wonderful code.

I fucking hate this codebase and I hate this fucking company. And I fucking. hate. them.

The last person who might have taken offense at this recently quit, so time for a consequence-free rant. I just want to say...

Fuck absolutely every single one of my teammates who quit this year. Fuck your shitty, undocumented spaghetti code from hell that the rest of us will have to rewrite because it's utterly broken and functions mostly on prayer and luck. Fuck the 1000+ git repos we'll have to rename so we can even begin to tell them apart. Fuck your complete lack of any sort of processes or procedures or standards. Fuck the person who hated tickets and decided we could just have hundreds of people ask us for help on Slack whenever they need it. Fuck the people who quit because we got a new manager who told us we need to support the applications we build. Fuck the person who said "I'm leaving because I want to move forwards instead of backwards" as if fixing bugs in the code YOU WROTE TWO WEEKS AGO is really moving backwards. Fuck the two people who designed their own separate pipelines and then used both without bothering to debate and pick the better one (spoiler: both are completely undocumented and broken as hell).

I hope your various new employers figure out that your strategy of covering shit with gold paint doesn't change the smell.

Now the rest of us have to fix it all, and we're probably going to start by demolishing most of it so we can rebuild it from scratch.

I had a dream last night about how to fix a bug in my code.
I couldn't sleep the rest of the night because I was too excited about fixing it.
Plus side: the fix worked this morning.
Down side: ive drank so much coffee I can smell color

Day of the interview sr. Architect says: "We have near 100% unit test coverage in our code."

One month later when I tell him there are 0 unit tests written against 300 projects: "Yeah, I knew that was a problem."

What can you do when the people who want to hire you lie outright to your face?

Oh yeah, and not a god damned one was written using any sense of object oriented programming at all. Every single damned project is written like its on a motherfucking punchcard put together by a cs 101 student with a 2 hour fucking deadline.

I can understand if it needs some work, just tell me. Don't fucking lie to me just to get me in the door to fix a problem you know you have. JUST HAVE SOME FUCKING RESPECT FOR YOUR CANDIDATES AND DON'T FUCKING LIE TO THEM!

Off to drink some scotch and think about what it would be like to shove a finger deep enough into my nostril to hear a pop and smell popcorn before going off into that good night.

I said good day.

Last week, the team lead told me that he can't merge because my code has code smells and going forward, can't have that. We use Sonar and well the way to "fix it" according to him is to mark the line using //NOSONAR.

Most of the issues are minor like Unused imports and for me incomplete TODOs.

And before the "verbal" rule was only need to fix Major + issues. And well the reason I use TODOs is to mark code that probably needs changing in the future. I know there's going to be some feature that these lines have to be changed. But the requirements are fully defined yet from business.

But I sort of blew up on him. YOU WANT TO ENFORCE ZERO CODE SMELLS NOW?!?!?! AND THESE MINOR ISSUES? MARK THEM WITH NOSONAR?

HERE'S WHAT I THINK FOR THE LAST X YEARS... THE CODE DESIGN IS SHIT, MINOR CODE SMELLS AND MANUALLY MARKING THE ONES U NEED TO KEEP... ARE THE LEAST OF OUR PROBLEMS...

THE OTHER PROBLEMS I'VE MENTIONED BEFORE EVER. MOS YEAR BUT YOU DIMWITS NEVER LISTEN.

YOU THINK MY TODOS ARE BAD... 90% OF THE CODE AND FEATURES (THE ONES NOT DONE BY ME) LOOK AND SMELL LIKE MONKEY SHIT. UNDOCUMENTED, MESSY, FULL OF BUGS.

AND GUESS WHAT? NEW FEATURE, SOME DEV FORGETS TO CHANGE SOME COMPONENT THAT DEPENDS ON IT. WOULDN'T IT BE GREATE IF THERE WERE BOOKMARKS... O WAIT...

i just was catching up on comics again and saw this one... with triggered my memory and this rant... My first thought was to forward it to him...

Sometimes, I find myself around a bunch of annoying newbs who ask dumb questions...

because I'm a part time CS instructor at a high school...

but when I see light bulbs switch on and the smell of enthusiasm in the air, makes teaching so worth it.

After 'Dev' deployed a service using Azure ServiceBus, a particular queue/client was receiving errors.

Dev: "Looking at the logs, client is getting faulted."
Me: 'What is the error being logged?'
Dev: 'Client is faulted'
Me: 'No, that is our error when the client is either unable to connect or there is an exception in the middle of sending a message. What is the exception from Azure?'
Dev: 'Client is faulted. That's it. I'm going to have to re-engineer the code to implement a retry policy.'
<OK, I smell someone cooking up some solution finding, so I dig into the logs a little further>
Me: "Looks like an invalid connection string. The actual exception being thrown and logged is from the Azure client connection string builder. The value cannot be null."
Dev: "No, I'm looking right at the connection string in the config. Looks fine."
Me: "Looks correct on your machine, but what is actually being deployed to the server?"
<I could tell he was getting agitated>
<Dev clicks around, about 10 min. later>
Dev: "Aha!..I found it. The connection string in the config on the main branch is wrong, in fact, the entry is missing."
<dev fixes, re-deploys, life is good, I document the error and the root cause>
Boss: "Great job Dev."

*sigh* ..go teamwork?

The manager and selfperceived omnipotent cult leader was the worst kind of businessman. Slimey and trecherous, zero sense of ethics, but felt holier than the pope because he "helped" his weakling herd of piteous employees.

These employees were smart kids, most of them in their late teens. All of them legally disabled. There was this kid who gobbled up ritalin like candy, a boy who had received his measles shots and turned socially awkward (/s), a chubby girl who could name all the hex colors of her chocolate stained shirt... you know, what we call skilled developers in the industry.

Fiftyfive of them.

They were awesome, awkward highschool dropouts, like I had been a decade earlier. They worked 50h a week. They had great humor, were passionate, devoured information about new technologies, and they built custom websites from scratch in no time. I had to lead this flock, and felt honored to work with them.

Then things started to smell funny.

I discovered all 55 of their workstations ran pirated software, from Windows to Adobe CS. I'm not without sin in that regard, but as a company it's just plain stupid.

Clients were treated like shit. I mean, we all feel like punching a client in the face sometimes, but I'm taking about unjustified debt collections paired with death threats.

Then I found out these kids were often disappearing for a few months, only to return months later.

I started digging, and discovered they were all working reintegration internships (because they were on below minimum wage disability payments), at almost zero cost to my employer.

After 6 months, my boss gave them a negative recommendation, they were all too "sick" to function in normal jobs.

Then they were rotated to a shadow company, doing the same work for another 6 months, and so on to a third company.

He broke these kids, talked them down, made them feel worthless. He threatened the ones who understood what was happening.

I ended up bringing the company down, with the CEO and two government officials jailed for fraud and corruption.

Some employees were quite mad about it, at least at first — I was the shepherd who abandoned his sheep. Luckily, most found better paid positions in no time.

Truly one of the most fucked up and difficult situations I've been in.

WANKETEERING FUCKING CUNTS!!!!!

Just now I had this great incident with rosé wine hitting my couch (on a Monday, yet another reason to hate that fucking shit day). If that is you dear Google searcher, let me tell you this. GRAB YOUR FUCKING SALT, AS QUICKLY AS YOU CAN AND POUR IT ON THERE IMMEDIATELY!!!

(edit: seems to work quite well for sucking up the wine moisture, not sure about smell or discoloration.. so far so good)

At least that's what a wanketeering cunt told me after having me read through 5 minutes of their dribble. While the motherfucker explicitly mentions that you're on a time limit, mind you!!! Because you know, fuck your goddamn couch, I want that fraction of a cent in ad money, that oh you've blocked it? I have no fucking idea. But waste your time on my shitsite nonetheless!!!

You know what, marketeering motherfucking dickhead. If that salt isn't going to fix my goddamn fucking couch, how about I take your goddamn shitsite down for the next FUCKING MONTH, HUH?!! Just to make up for the hundreds of fucking euros that a motherfucking couch is worth?! That'll serve you fucking right for pissing off a hacker!!! MOTHERFUCKER!!!!

Life is hard.

You are born. DNA gets determined. You go through infancy.

Puberty comes and DNA is like
"uh from now you'll pretty much have strong sexual urges, a huge desire to be sexually prolific, nothing weird like being pedo or into rape though".

me: Uh ok.
dna: oh, also, you're gonna be one of those late bloomers, you know, you talk like shit, you dress like shit, you smell like shit.
life: that's true and also you don't have anyone in your life to teach you about that shit, so forget about kissing, having sex, let alone being in a relationship for a long time.

*a lot of years go by with a lot of missed opportunities, mistakes and regrets*

life: ok, you seem to have become a decent sex partner out of a lot of scarring experiences, but there's one problem: you've fallen in love with somebody.

and you're married

and you have kids

me: well, does that mean I can't fuck other people?
life: yeah, no. I'm surprised I even have to explain that, it's called cheating. It will pretty much ruin your marriage, and fuck up your kids.

me: ok, I guess no then. I'm still fortunate enough to have sex with my wife right?

life: yeah... but you still want to fuck other people
me: what???
life: yeah, did you think that falling in love would make you not want to fuck other people? fuck no

me: ok, well I'm very grateful that I get to experience sex at all.
life: yes... there's a thing though, your partner has a much much lower libido than you.

me: ok, well maybe if I exercise and dress better that might change
life: that will definitely help, you'll feel more confident and have more stamina, but every time you retry exercising, you remember how much you hate it and how little stamina you have.
oh, I'm sorry, I forgot you had kids and work, yeah no time or energy for that.

me: ok, then should I just embrace a more liberal lifestyle, like becoming a swinger?
life: ha, fat chance, it's a very taboo thing and you're not that liberal, neither is she.

me: uhhh, i guess i can sometimes watch porn then...
life: watching porn regularly will make the only sex that you have worse, according to statistics.

me: ok, I guess I should get ripped

The amount of elitism you see inside of the dev community is the reason why I consider changing careers.

No, It don't hurt my feelings. I just don't want to surround myself from sexually frustrated loosers that think that getting cool points on the internet over hating and shitting over other's likes and dislikes means something.

It sucks balls and I smell the areas to be of dried cum and Cheetos.

Fuck man, being born ugly, anti-charismatic and weird must suck big balls

!dev

I just opened an Instagram live video for the first time. It was a video from Snoop Dogg and I thought...

“I can almost smell the chronic he is smoking on”

... then I remember I live in Vancouver BC and that smell is the 80 year old man and his wife smoking a joint at the crosswalk.

—> I like the place I live :)

Electric cars are not better for the environment. All petrol cars combined are only responsible for 7.9% of CO2 emissions. If your electric car is charged from a grid that is powered by a coal-burning power station, it contributes nothing to dealing with climate change. It only provides you with the false sense of security, and you can look cool telling your friends that “you know, I drive a Tesla, I’m environmentally conscious, your gas car is bad”.

Electric cars are lame. When I’m out of fuel, I can refuel fully in minutes. With electric car, I’ll have to wait at least five hours. Let’s be realistic, superchargers aren’t common, and will never be.

Gasoline is 46.4 MJ/kg, or 34.2 MJ/l. Li-Ion is 0.36–0.875. Let’s be generous and say it’s 0.9. To match 1 kg of petrol, I would need 51 kilos of batteries.

Average gas tank is 18 gallons, or 68 litres. To match that, my battery must have a weight of 2.5 metric tonnes. Bear in mind, empty battery and full battery has the same weight. Also, bear in mind, batteries perform worse in the winter.

As per energy density and practicality, things don’t get much better than petrol. Liquid hydrogen has higher energy density, but to store it, gas tank has to have very, very thick walls, to withstand the pressure. And, hydrogen is a bitch. It’s extremely dangerous. You can’t smell it until it’s too late. Hydrogen-air mixture will explode if you look at it the wrong way.

All that “electric cars good for climate” hype is merely Elon maintaining his stock bubble.

“Dear Manager, the reason I didn’t complete my sprint task today was that while I was nursing my fiancé’s COVID vaccine severe side effects, said fiancé’s Chinese roommate put a jar of some fermented product called “Golden Smell” in a precarious place from which I broke it, causing a veritable golden shower of glass shards and odors to permeate the workspace. If you don’t hear from me by standup, tell my mom i’m sorry."

I'm very dependent on my sense of smell. I always smell whatever I eat or drink. Because of some stuff about my brain that my doctor told me and I forgot, this sense is very precise.

It's so precise in fact that in a closed room I can tell whether a woman is on her period or not. But we're blessed and we're also cursed – put any kind of paint, nail polish, rotten food, so-called "car perfume" near me and I have a headache until I get a full night of sleep.

Coronavirus however fucked up that feeling. When it initially disappeared I was panicking because I felt like a cat with his whiskers cut off. Now it's back and it's strong as usual, but it's different.

Now I can't eat chicken. No matter if it's fresh or not, if I smell chicken my brain just fucking nopes out and tries to vomit.

Corona sucks. Stay safe.

Can we rant about coworking spaces?

I like the coworking office concept and I love this desk I have for myself, I like this building, the supervisor is sweet and I made new clients here...

But I hate one of my "neighbours".

We have several office rules and he constantly breaks them.

No music allowed without headphones. Nope, gotta listen to shitty radio straight from the smartphone speaker.

No loud conferences or phone talks. Nah, let's set the volume to the max. And leave the phone behind and let it ring loudly forever.

You can only occupy one desk unless you rent more. In comes his coworker who keeps occupying an extra desk for free and who's as loud as he is. And bring the kids because hey, growing up bored inside a office is good for them.

And today's newest: no eating in the office. Coworker brought her kid who set up a -dinning table- on the extra desk and began eating her lunch leftovers. It wouldn't have been so bad and I wouldn't have noticed except the office was overflowed with the stench of overheated pasta.

This is a big office. I had to open the windows. I can still feel the smell. It's nauseating.

I didn't say anything because it's not the kid's fault they didn't take her to the building's canteen space. But at the risk of making enemies where I shouldn't, I need to have a "fun" talk with someone.

I am calling this a premonition rant, of more rants to come.
I have a feeling in my bones.
We have a newly acquired fat cat customer with bucks to blow who we have done some digital work for already and swag bag of marketing perkiness.
I will call the CEO of this whale "The Porcupine"
The Porcupine has a business degree and industry experience, nothing to do with websites or applications.
It claims to be a visual perfectionist yet never delivers an overall coherent review.
It likes to fixate on minor brand style differences in websites and apps we have built.
The Porcupine seems to be always busy with policy and legal and other things rather than participating in their own projects.
Procrastination on feedback or reviews until the day before release is common.
Many overtime hours worked, not a sliver of thanks. The haughty attitude indicative of somebody who thinks web development is like desktop publishing.

"It's just code" in response to a crash production server change they were warned was a risk that borked all of our responsive templates and took 3 hours to fix.
Their entire brand is shades of pea green, grey and lime. No serif fonts because they are suck. Arial and Helvetica are boss.
One of my devs missed a CSS style on privacy policy hyperlink text that went times new roman and I had various account directors and our CEO on phone telling me how embarrassing it was for us to let this happen.
Anyway. They pay on time and the cost estimates for all the upcoming work are juicy.
We have shitloads going on for an upcoming hard date conference and everything is already compressing.
Therefore I can already smell doom and feel those porcupine quill getting closer to my ass as I beg their AD today if we have any feedback on the 10 or so project reviews yet?
Nope.

Today I learned why it’s so important to have life outside engineering (better put, I remembered this).

For the last couple of weeks, we’ve been working hard to catch some deadlines, contributing to a large oss project. Getting up at 4am, working with the team in my timezone, having some time with family then working with people with 6-9 hour difference was extremelly challenging and I was so tired I literaly was a fucking pain to bear with.

Today, on Saturday, my wife started cleaning the bathroom sink drain. You know, started... “won’t fix” was not an option. First, the dirt and the smell, mmmmmm, you just have to love it. And then the thing collapses (yes, I was optimistic, trying to clean it just partly - I learned not to fix if it aint’t broken, I wonder where).

It’s of course built of trivial parts, but the water just finds its way. Needless to say, I am afraid of it :). In the end, it got resolved. Just as any bug we squash - with some anger and plenty of dirty words.

During the whole thing, I thought to myself, that all that stress at work is quite bearable; it put everything back into a perspective. Great feeling!

Public service announcement: Wearing club de nuit perfume will have random people get close to you and smell the perfume thus complimenting it but making it really uncomfortable.

My brother in law gifted me this awesome perfume and it has brough upon some very serious awkward encounters.

I know it smells good, and I know I am pretty, but please ma'am I am married and this is weird, get away and ask me. Seriously no one every talks about how dudes get put into weird positions sometimes and I don't like females getting close to me.

I wear the perfume because I like the smell, and I get it, but please leave me alone.

Despite common sense, I think technology is not making our lives easier. It's just build chaos on top of chaos.

Take server-side programming for instance.

First you have to find someone to host your thing, or a PaaS provider. Then you have to figure out how much RAM and storage you need, which OS you're going to use. And then there's Docker (which will run on top of a VM on AWS or GCP anyway, making even less sense). And then there's the server technology: nginx, Apache (and many many more; if, that is, you're using a server at all). And then there are firewalls, proxies, SSL. And then you go back to the start, because you have to check if your hosting provider will support the OS or Docker or your server. (I smell infinite recursion here.)

Each of these moving parts come with their own can of worms in terms of configuration and security. A whole bible to read if you want to have the slightest clue about what you're doing.

And then there's the programming language to use and its accompanying frameworks. Can they replace the server technology? Should you? Will they conflict with each other and open yet another backdoor into your system? Is it supported by your hosting provider? (Did I mention an infinite recursion somewhere?)

And then there's the database. Does it have a port to the language/framework of your choosing? Why does it expose an web interface? Is it supposed to replace your server? And why are its security features optional again? (Just so I have to test both the insecure and the secure environments?)

And you haven't written a single line of code yet, mind you.

Refactoring! Refactoring! REFACTORING!

This is one of “those desk books” that you gotta have imo. Personally I love giving names to categories of things, helps us better recognize patterns if we can classify them.

Software can always be improved, this book give you a good majority of the most common refactorings it’s like a recipe book almost.. shows you the code smell... give you the detailed recipes to fix it. Great to have in code reviews.

Doesn’t matter that this book is in JavaScript the concepts and ideas are the big pictures in this book.

Classic “one of those” books.

Just started my exams training! (Doing a study called Application Development).

The application doesn't sound that complicated but I have to implement a data exporting feature. Sounds alright, doesn't it?

THE 'CLIENT' DOES NOT KNOW WHAT DATA FORMAT THE FICTIVE CUSTOMERS CAN PARSE/HANDLE BUT I HAVE TO MAKE IT GENERIC SO THAT THEY CAN USE IT ANYWAYS. HOW THE FUCKING FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT FUCKING FORMAT I SHOULD CHOOSE?!? SHOULD I TRY TO SMELL IT OR SOMETHING?

FML.

How do you debate the "it's more complex in my opinion" statement?

So, some months ago I was looking at some code which has stuff as 300 lines of code function(s) and I could feel the bad smell irl...

I analyze it a bit and there is a lot of stuff which is misplaced, repeated or unsafe.
I first re-arrange it and remove redundancy, then break it down in about five functions (plus a caller), all is now readable and assignIcon k(made-up name) only assigns an icon, it doesn't also send a rocket in space.

But then I put the code in review and the previous author of the code says that it's now unreadable, because s/he has to look as multiple functions. I counter by showing how s/he does not need to read 300 lines of code to find a bug, but approximately 60, and I point at how misleading having an `assignIcon` function which also sends rockets in space is.
The counter? "But it looks confusing to have smaller functions, revert it."

How would you debate that? I am shy and hate myself a lot, so I have issues debating good points, but I am really really sure a lot of bugs I encountered were due to stuff like this so I would like to be able to explain my point in a more efficient way, for future teams.

Today I went into the 1 holer restroom right after my boss. I braced myself for the worse as the toilet seat was down. To my surprise it smelled like bubble gum. So my boss's shit doesn't stink, it smells like bubble gum.

What that hell do you have to eat to make your shit smell like bubble gum?

I hate apples. I buy them at the grocery store. They taste bland, they don't have any smell and by eating them I don't get any positive emotions.

Well, at least this is the conclusion in my head every autumn after a year of eating store bought apples.

Then the end of autumn comes/winter begins and I visit my grandparents, who live in a village. I get a bag of apples (15-20 kgs) and this bag smells wonderful. Heck, the car smells wonderful for a few days after transporting the bag back home.

My grandparents give around 7-8 varieties of apple, mixed. Each and every one of them tastes amazing, even if I have to cut some spots out from a few. They don't always look perfect, but I think these are the noble ones and the store bought would be the peasants.

I know, it's kind of obvious, that the homegrown fruits are better, but it still amazes my tastebuds every year, plus I'm really grateful for having my grandparents.

I fucking give up. Typescript is not meant for complex projects. It's meant for simple projects that are big. There's no way forwards, no matter how much I try to simplify my types I simply can not get the typescript server to stop lagging out the moment I do anything complex. It can't fucking do it, it just can't. And that sucks really, really hard.

I'm so tired of finding the ceiling on everything. I had a bad smell for typescript when it came out... and I never should have expected any more than this.

Remote work (for the software industry, at least) is PERFECT and I still haven't heard a single argument against it that could not be derived into one of the following explanations:
- the complainer is/has a terrible manager
- the complainer has a shitty house
- the complainer has a shitty family
- the complainer is a shitty person
Naturally I mean only real-adult healthy people who work in the software industry.

I will now list the complaints I have heard more often. All fit neatly in the categories above:
- "my family interrupts me a lot, require lots of attention and/or creates an environment I cannot work in" - in this case it is very irresponsible of the complainer to try and escape to an office. If the adults you live with cannot get by without you, how going to an office will help them? If you can't teach your children to behave, who will?

- "my house is noisy and/or uncomfortable" - move out! if you can go to the office, you can look for another place to live.

- "I need in person conversations to understand people / zoom meetings are a waste of time" - why? do you need the smell of other people to properly organize your thoughts? Yes, meetings are extra-shitty during the pandemic. But pandemics come and go and your terrible time management skills won't simply improve themselves. Learn to lead better meetings instead of blaming the medium.

- "I miss face-to-face interactions at work" - Those do not miss you. If you want to have personal conversations, do it *out of working hours* with consenting adults. If you want to have personal touch in work contexts, it is called "sexual harassment" and is a crime.

- "my employees / colleagues are not as effective without me breathing at their necks" - you are a terrible manager and leader if you can't inspire people in words only. Maybe even video.

My main point is, there is no argument against WFH. When people try to argue against it, they often actually mean "I don't like the pandemic". No shit. Life will be better after people stop dieing for breathing close to their friends and family. In the mean time, learn to organize your life instead of running away from it every day.

Have you ever been to love theatre? How many times? Have you ever seen a movie? How many?
Why so many more movies than live theatre? You think you would have liked the movies, and their price, more if it was live theatre? Would you have seen as many?
WFH is not perfect for everybody in the planet. But it sure is for the software industry.

I've been inspired by cpg grey (I think that's the name), mainly his 10 tips on how to be miserable, to write a blog or some kind of post explaining the 8 things you need to do if you hate your coworkers and want your codebase to go to shit.

So it'll be like a anti-SOLID, anti-pattern type of blog promoting every code smell imaginable

I feel like 8 tips to fuck up your codebase (php perhaps) might he more memorable than actual helpful advise. I'm sure that this has been done before, but I was wondering:

Do you think this would be effective? Would it help people understand why not to do the 8 tips? Does this reverse psychology work?

I'm tired of meth. I mean math. MATH.
I'm sick and tired of everything.

"First!" numerous blog comments shout to no-one, from the colorful abyss of the internet.

And for me, this is a first. But lets rewind.

It's 2 AM, about a month ago, spring in Akron Ohio. Someone reading this is no doubt shocked "You just revealed where you live, ON THE INTERNET! The weirdos will find you." Anyway, it's a dark and stormy night, as the cliche goes. Like most people up after midnight, I'm browsing facebook posts and useless productivity sites. (lifehacker)
I yearn for something more out of life, somewhere deep down inside..maybe in my colon?

All the articles are saying "10 tips to supercharge your life", "how to discover your life purpose in three easy steps", mixed with an ad about ron jeremys one secret tip to grow a massive cock, and exhortations to buy such-and-such's "new ebook!"
I am not moved by any of this.

Scrolling, and tabbing, and intermittently dropping f-bombs because of js ads locking up my browser, I stop and lean back. In the blue afterglow of my shitty compaqs screen, a thought appears, like a cheesy genie, popping out of a brass toilet. "Start a blog! A youtube channel! A podcast" the ad proclaims. "Yes. Thats what I have to do" I whispered (I'm embarrassed to admit I really did say this).

Then I Control+W'd out of it, and flopped onto my mattress. This was the wasteland of my life. I couldn't help but think The whole internet was like some seedy back alley 2.0, where boxcar willie with his train of needle marks had been replaced by more upstart, greasy-haired gurus. Each peddling 'ebooks' of 'advice', stuffed in between ads to buy 'this one hot stock you have to own' and porn. And that alley was really the 'blogosphere' and 'youtubers'. As I drifted off, the last thought was 'We're all just bottom feeders,leeching and whoring on the attention of faceless anonymous users, hoping for another quick fix.'

I fell asleep, these racing thoughts fading into sweet oblivion, but never too far away.

Welcome to My Back Alley

That title is only twice as dirty, and half as thought-out as I planned. As you imagine, the lure of being the electronic equivalent of a conman never quite faded. And the more I read, the stronger the message "Start a youtube channel!" grew. As if everyone and their grandmother having a youtube channel would somehow make the world right, cure cancer, and save kittens from animal shelter gas chambers. Everyones an expert, everyones an agent of change. Maximizing productivity, Evangelizing Technology, ninjas collaborating to socialfy your community diversification benchmark for target traffic
through user-engagement and authentic grass-roots, blah, blah, blah, blah, money. Thrusting, moaning, screaming. Money. Pumping at the center of it all.

Wake up and smell the bullshit.

This blog is not a blog. This blog is the anti-blog, and we are the anti-streamers. 'We' (read "I") resist your bullshit lingo bingo, call out the Truth (Tm) and refuse to be satisfied with any standards of decency, journalistic integrity, or common sense.

Every blog, every channel, every podcast is Starbucks And I'm tyler durden, pissing in your coffee, and calling it a 'latte'.

Freaks, and anarchists, laymen and losers. If you feel as I do, then this is the place for you. Welcome to devrant.

One of the largest companies on the continent. Uses Oracle on AWS RDS with the beefiest resources available. It comes to the point where lowering the number of CPUs boosts the DB performance up (concurrency). Point is - Oracle is sweating hard during our tests. You can almost feel the smell of those hot ICs on AWS servers.

And then someone at higher levels, while sitting on a pooper, has a great idea: "I know! Let's migrate to Aurora! They say it's so much faster than anything there is!"

*migration starts*

Tests after migration: the database on the largest instance possible shits itself at 10% of the previous load: the CPU% is maxed out (sy:60%,us:40%), IO is far, far from hitting the limits.

Is it really possible Aurora will cope with the load better than Oracle? Frankly, I haven't seen any database perform better than Oracle yet. Not sure if it's worth to invest time in this adventure..

Well here it goes,

I started out in customer support (A lot of stuff to tell here).

1.
One of my colleagues would come to work drunk, like every day he would smell of boze (the hard stuff 80%+). When a customer got on his nerves he endet the call and threw his Keyboard across the room. He worked in the company 3+ Years after I left.

2. Another colleague would connect to his Personal Computer at his home and play WoW while at work ( Allthough the man was a genius with a lot of free time, until a new task was assigned to him)

3. My Boss at the time did some really shitty things. I worked 17 hour days (while I was 18) for a week, and at the end of the week he shredded the accrued overtime with some Bullshit Explanation. (I did not stay long after this shitshow happened).

4. A dispatcher who sent our technicians out scheduled their tasks so that they were on the road for weeks and did not see their families. This led to a very strong turnover among technicians.

And yes, this company still operates today.

Here, a full retrospective of my Apple products ownership.

iPhone SE – after Android, I was absolutely amazed by how fast it worked. No UI lags, camera works absolutely instantly no matter the light conditions, all the GPU-heavy games work butter smooth.

After camera and charging port failures on Xperia flagship and CPU literally melting through screen rendering it unusable on Meizu, it was enough to make me interested in Apple products.

When I was using Meizu, I actually got a twitching eye which was triggered by UI lags. After two months of using iPhone, I noticed that something was missing – my eye wasn't twitching anymore.

iPhone actually cured me.

MacBook 12 – a 900 grams laptop with passive-cooled mobile CPU running many Chrome tabs, heavy Webpack HMR build, VSCode and Slack just fine. Yes, you can't play games, but I don't even require it from a laptop this tiny.

Butterfly keyboard that internet hates so much actually increased my typing speed and comfort compared to MX Red mechanical keyboard, and ForceTouch trackpad made me forget about mouse. I learned how to disassemble the Butterfly keyboard if I ever need this but the keyboard never failed.

I use this laptop to this day and it still even smells like the day one, a beautiful smell of a new Apple product.

iPhone X – got it because of the camera, stayed for great battery life and amazing OLED display. I use telephoto lens exclusively and it made me lay off my Canon DSLR with Helios lens which stays on my bookshelf covered in dust to this day.

True black of OLED display which is undistinguishable from the screen bezel is stunning. To this day, battery surely works for one and a half days and I watch youtube really often.

I sometimes struggled to unlock iPhone SE with wet fingers, but with FaceID, as soon as I look at the screen the phone is unlocked. Works perfect every time, never had an issue with this.

Stainless steel body feels premium compared to aluminum. Stereo sound is a major selling point if you're like watching videos and playing games on your phone. Overall amazing product and a huge improvement over SE.

Apple Watch series 4 – really comfortable fit. Nice battery life, once I forgot about it for like ten days during lockdown and it was still working, even though on power reserve mode. Really reliable in terms of battery life and liquid protection. Very satisfying Taptic Engine crown clicks. I run every day and Apple watch always measure my heart rate correctly, and the running app is well designed and a pleasure to use. Overall a nice accessory to have if you use iPhone.

Powerbeats Pro – great sound and battery life. I switched from Shure SE215 which was great, but it had wires. I listen to a lot of music so the sound quality is important for me. When I was choosing earphones I visited a store where you can listen to them all. I listened through earphones like Noble Audio Kaiser Encore and JH Audio Layla, and of course $4000 Laylas sound better than $249 bluetooth earphones, but the difference in sound doesn't justify the difference in price to me.

Powerbeats pro is the Apple H1 chip true wireless earphones with largest driver of them all which makes them sound better than AirPods Pro – it's just physics. Bass in Powerbeats is amazing, which is also true for my Shures, but Powerbeats also win in clarity.

It connects seamlessly to both my MacBook and my iPhone, and everyone in voice chats can hear me really good.

Huge case is a major throwback compared to AirPods, but the battery life of earphones themselves is so great that I just leave the case at home and only carry earphones and it works for me.

Apple Link bracelet in space black – really better than I expected. Intricate detailing, literally the steel that Rolex uses, top-notch finishing and polishing – all that for just 450 dollars. I only used it for several days now, but it already feels like a really satisfying product.

Before all that I was using Linux. It took a year for elementaryos devs to fix wifi for my laptop. Ubuntu looks and feels ugly. Pop OS felt like garbage. Manjaro was also just that – garbage. KDE Plasma – I don't even want to talk about that. A monstrocity where you accidentally click a wrong switch in the settings and your system won't boot up again. Also, PulseAudio. Struggles with proprietary drivers and software updates.

Windows? I serviced a lot of Windows PCs through my career and it never, never worked as intended. I'm no dumbass, I always managed the rights correctly and never installed sketchy apps. My latest ryzen gaming build with a lot of ram also lags somehow even in Windows 10 UI.

Before I switched, I defended Linux.

My life was a lie.

I'm sorry to everyone who I offended based on their opinion on Linux.

So I'm on my morning stroll. Walking, enjoying, watching the world around me.. It's nice how cherries blossom. They smell very tempting to stop there and enjoy the moment. Some flowers under the cherry...

Why do plants blossom again? Oh yeah, that's right, to exchange some speciments in order to grow fruit and seeds. To have their offspring. Just like every other living macroorganism [with a few exceptions ofc]. Life has no other way to survive but to exchange genetic material between two parties and only then trigger growth of the new life.

And that is a very strict rule. No more, no less: it takes exactly 2 organisms to make new life. But why is that? If my memory serves, theory of evolution says that life is like business: cut the losses and let the profits run. Over time it discards everything not required for the organism in order to save energy, and only successful new "investments" remain in the genome. The unsuccessful ones die before they proliferate, so the bad genes shall not survive.

It also says that very simple things, very simple changes lead to very complex outcomes. Us. Life.

But what is simple about life having to need 2 other lives? Exactly 2. It's either simple or efficient, depends on perspective. BUT IT IS NOT BOTH. Look at cells. They just split in half and multiply. Dead simple. It takes one of them to make another one. But with mammals, birds, reptiles, plants and other macroorganisms [excpt fungi] this is not the case! Why?!? I can't think of any scenario where two generic microorganisms, following some dead simple mutations, would come up w/ something that inefficient and overly complex. Like they're living on their own, multiplying by division, and smth very simple happens and they can no longer divide, only mate in pairs. The primitive, efficient and simple mechanism gets terminated and replaced with a different one, incredibly complex one!

Sure, we have protozoa which have similar reproductive mechanisms. They exchange genetic material to multiply.

But look at our, human cells. They dont need that! Look at some reptiles, some plants that only take one to make another. They don't pair as well! It's simple. Efficient. Why do protozoa need 2 for the species to survive?

It's not simple and efficient [tho helps us adapt, but its not my point for now]. See, things like this make ne wonder. What if we, the life, are not as accidental as we think? What if this whole mechanism was set off by someone or something billions of years ago? That's mean there are much older, much more superior cognitive organisms than us. What if protozoa was version 3 of new life [the first two did not survive]? Viruses - v2? Sea creatures - v3, reptiles - v4, and so on until they came up with us, mammals? That'd surely mean we are not alone in this universe. Are they watching us? Will they create a new species any time soon? What's our purpose, are we just an experiment?

And so, from cherry blossoms to existensial dilemma, my stroll is over. Time for breakfast :)

Why is it accepted that cs people just have poor hygiene. If I walk into a room and almost get floored by the stench if BO it doesn't make it acceptable to say "you're not used to it? It's that cs smell, man." like, ok. that dude should still go fucking shower.

Literally the entire lab was just rank from one guy, and the room is at least 30X100

I am amazed at human stupidity.

I always enjoyed the idea of DevOps: to use virtual machines and constant integration in order to avoid errors and free the developers of hard-to-setup environments and somehow-it-works compilations.

I am amazed how [company I used to work for] managed to turn this into a nightmare.

Just imagine: silent forests, the smell of flowers, no developer trust to the point your devs can’t either make docker environments cause reasons nor they can access your actual machines programmatically because they are filthy peasants, forcing them to do everything manually: every deployment will be a frustrating editing process which takes up to an hour, but here lies the trick... it will still have continuous integration... or better: every feature will be deployed as if it was a release.

The true peak of illumination:
Turning a tool into a disease.

Take a sip of tea, manager... you deserve it.

Just thought about this job because I keep being tempted to just start my own company. The more I think about it, the less being employed makes sense, given my end goal.

Is it mean to tell someone you can't help them with their coding problem because you can't take the way they smell?

A coworker of mine has some major BO mixed with cigarette smoke and it makes it hard to focus as I try to help me.

Am I an asshole?

I think I am strange because I cannot stand perfume.
The smell of perfume irradiate me, the same with smell of leather polish.
I know that most person are fine with perfume and think that they smell nice but for me perfume smell weird.
When I need to go to formal party where almost every person wear perfume (both man and female) , it drain me too quickly.
What are you guy stand of perfume?

The overwhelming code smell when you finally got a chance to do a quarterly project-level code review as a team lead.

It's my fault for feeling like they are teaming up against me, and I don't know how to fix it.

Sooooo our department boss (the CTO) just announced his resignation, handing over his responsibilities to the lapdog of the CEO (who is very fickle on process micromanagement). Seeing as our offshore team was the CTO's idea, we're kinda expecting retrenchment to hit us in a few months once said lapdog starts throwing out our (soon-to-be-former) CTO's initiatives and projects for her own...

Quite frankly, I wish we'd get redundated now instead of later. I'm starting to hate my job (an increase from before, when I simply began to dislike it) because of my team lead's incompetence (she can't even attend a meeting without hijacking it for some other unrelated topic/issue) and lack of transparency (she never shares everything, keeps a lot of critical knowledge to herself). You can smell her lack of trust from miles away.

Anyways, yeah, I'd like to get retrenched/redundated please. I could use the money, honestly.

Never got one as is, but went so close to it than I could smell the smell of death out if it.

Short story: it's due to my hate of Drupal 8, but I just don't know if I was badly introduced to it through a car wreck of a project or if I simply just hate it and it's insanly hard way to do simple stuff.

In November I went to the point where development was no longer a pleasure, and I was doing lots and lots of small mistakes that almost got my ass fired (made a rant about it). Nothing was enjoyable, I stop going to the gym, ate badly, saw no one excepted my roommate...

The day they switched me to write test scenarios with Behat, the sun started to shine again. Now that I'm back on Drupal knowing all this, I know that I'll have to leave the company once I have my diploma, because there's no point to stay in a place doing something you don't enjoy while you get tons of job proposals on LinkedIn

To all the people who are deep down in it: stay strong, save your ass as soon as possible and find something else, but keep some time to heal.

Back in 2005, I had quite a few bits of music I was working on (just as a hobby). A lot of these had not been finished, but I'd sent excerpts in medium-quality MP3 format to a friend. I had an external backup drive - a regular hard drive in an USB enclosure. After a while, this drive started making unpleasant whining sounds so I sent it off for replacement.

During that time I made the foolish decision to try and plug a floppy drive in while the PC was powered on. Something touched the bottom of the hard drive and the power went off. I powered it back on again and heard a fizzing sound, there were some flashes from the hard drive and a burning smell. Yep, the disk was dead - and my backup drive was gone.

I'm still not entirely sure what happened, my best guess is that I had an exposed piece of wire from one of my hacky case mods (I had a thing for blue LEDs) which touched the circuitry of the hard drive. Almost every project, piece of software I'd created, every photo I'd taken, and most unfinished music I'd made up until that point - gone. I was pretty devastated about it. I only had a handful of things survived which I'd burned onto CD previously.

I managed to get some excerpts back from my friend, and re-created my favourite pieces of music based on those. I've moved on to other projects and write much better code now, so mostly I am no longer bothered. I do wish I could re-listen to some of the music I had made back then though.

Needless to say, I no longer fiddle around with the innards of my computers while they are on, store everything on mirrored drives and also ensure I always have a backup somewhere (and am working on remote backups and having several days of backups...)

I never want that to happen again

Took my laptop in the toilet to listen to zoom lectures and i took such a huge and loud dump that besides my mic being unmuted they could also smell it

Her: and they were roommates
My autistic ass, picking my belly button while contracting my neck muscles on the left side, trying to balance the tension in the precise spot between regular and uncontrollably cramped, singing “One” by U2 in my head, keeping my eyes completely relaxed to focus on those little blurry floaty thingys, knowing full well that when you focus on them, they disappear, assessing whether it is time to trim my nostrils' hair, focusing on feeling the surrounding smell, wondering whether I can figure out whether it is time to change my bedsheets without getting closer to them to smell them properly (do I feel the smell? I don't feel it, but is that because bedsheets are fresh, or because I'm too far away to smell it?), thinking about whether my T-shirt is exactly centered and whether one side has more fabric than the left, thus weighing more, so I have to readjust it, also thinking about whether “text/pain” is a good enough name for my book: please continue

(I know that the answer is “oh my god they were roommates”, but I want to socialize and not appear as a smartass, all while thinking about whether it's authentic or not)

you know what annoys me about this situation the most ?

noone is living an ideal life
in any sense
except a few

but that being said, living less than ideal life if people had not wasted so much time, would have led to certain things becoming better.

example.

if i was out of development work, and had to take a crap job.

and lets say that ended up putting me in a financially unstable situation.

if i had rotten teeth, i could work part time, go to a sliding scale place and fix them one by one
while either educating myself further or looking for a better job because in truth, if i'm accepting a part time job, i must be fucked.

i don't see any longevity in an intensely physical job, I see an early death.

there are not enough paying people to ensure everyone has a skilled job, and truthfully not everyone can, but we have more people than we need to do the unskilled and skilled jobs both so why are we not running with that ?

the best time to do unskilled labor or just labor jobs period is when a person is young and there body is new.

and then not for long or with accommodation considering throwing your back out or fucking up your knees stays with you for life.

everything is so backwards in this country.

people think in terms so frequently these days in 'how can i make someone else suffer for my amusement and see their potential diminished so i feel better about my fucked up pathetic life ?'

or

'how can i get revenge against a person that doesn't deserve it'

or

'how can i ensure other people are totally boned so my charmed life i don't deserve seems satisfying'

its pretty gross as are these people

well fast forward years later and life appears fairly repetitive for alot of people

took a very large of detours here, had some fun, experienced some fucked up horros, saw a few wonders which were mostly based off my ideas, and some that were not.

still i return to what is to be done about our unfair, wasteful system ?

I've always been a fan of removing people's 'excuses' to neglect their children for example.
and definitely blocking all avenues of abuse.
even unintended, or pretended to be unintended.
i also hate people who smell because they don't clean themselves, and use excuses for that
I also hate people who make other people live in a situation where they can't take care of themselves and then try to dominate places they seek refuge because our fucking system sucks.

I also hate that there is more food than people can eat and restaurants closing when there are hungry people.

i also despise that we have more vacant houses in this country than we have family units.
some are just rotting away from neglect.

and i most especially hate people who get off on watching whole landscapes decay.

there is tons of work for the proper people
some of it is hard
some of it is tedious
its these kind of tasks that are necessary
the right spirit and the RIGHT COMPENSATION and the work gets done.. hopefully.

starting out with placing everyone in means to eat and sleep and clean themselves seems the most important.

everything else is icing on the cake, because by and large many people get sick of doing the same exact things, and people hate staring at the wall.

the problem is, there are alot of people who are, due to extreme damages from our modified culture, extremely abnormal, sadistic and untrustworthy around... anyone.

so with more time on their hands, they get bored and turn destructive and antisocial and breed people to be worse.

years I've been preaching this.
same people fly past in man places.
here and there some new fool marches in, eyes sparkling with malevolence, only to get caught in the same eternal loop and be absorbed into it.
i haven't seen one such as myself that I know of, that showed up with every intention of changing their life, becoming friendly with people, finding the things they enjoyed, and improving themselves intellectually, emotionally and socially; searching for an environment filled with more people who would be helpful to this extent, getting a rude awakening and realizing how horrible their country was becoming.

don't know if I should be happy being alone as the only sane person. heh.

I really don't want to be. I just want us to be happy. this is deserved after so much hardship. after seeing how people in general have become.

oh we all have lusts and vices and shortcomings, but the gulf that had grown between ordinary folk and the general population is astoundingly wide.

What's the point of those frozen fruit bags at the grocery store

They don't taste like anything and they smell of alcohol

Made too much milkshake yesterday and stored half of it in the fridge, now it smells like alcohol... I have no idea if this is safe to drink. Is this just wine?

I’ve been ill and injured a lot over the last 8 months or so, and i also quit smoking 2 months ago so I’ve put on a bit of extra padding.

I need to loose weight as I’m getting married in August and I want my suit to fit.

Anyway I’ve started eating a little bit healthier, and I’m gradually getting back into exercise (taking it slowly as don’t want to re-injur myself, and need to get my body used to it again)

This has presented 2 problems, the first is that after a run I smell like a tramps ball bag, and the second is I’m impatient and can’t do the sort of training that I used to do.

But, onwards and upwards, and even with no exercise I can still run 2 miles non stop in less than 20 minutes, not going to win any awards but not too bad all things considered.

I just got Jenkins all setup locally, setup the first pipeline, get docker working with it, setup the build step, setup the test step and more.

In under an hour.

Not too bad for the first attempt.

The hardest part was figuring out the GitHub credentials.

———

Actually, the hardest part was keeping an eye on the dude in the booth next to me who has delusions of grandeur and likely other mental illnesses.

Had to keep an eye on him while he was pointing around the room (usually at me) and saying shit like...

“Ugly, ugly, all of you are fucking ugly”

“Fuck you, fuck you too!”

I’m sitting over here thinking...

“Bud, you got 3 teeth, you smell like shit and your rambling to yourself... fuck you you ugly piece of dog shit! Let me do my work I peace.”

Is it just me, or do other people feel like mysqli prepared statements like to never work the same way twice?

I just finished a 3 hour debugging session where the prepared statement just didn't work. Then, just moments ago, I commented out an "echo" that has nothing to do with the fucking statement! And guess what? It works.

one moment please, I need to let my anger out.

GAAAAAAAA YOU FUCKING STUPID COMPUTER! YOU SON OF A FUCKING BITCH!

and to the people who made mysqli...
I HATE YOUR FUCKING LANGUAGE SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!

*sigh*
Ok, I'm back.

Anyways,

I don't know how, but I think php can smell anger and loves to make life miserable.

Please tell me I'm not the only one.

The original idea of the starter lines goes to someone here like over a year ago or something. Found this piece while cleaning my desk and thought you would appreciate it.

Rubber duck
What the fuck
Why didn't you tell
This god awful smell
Of this spaghetti code

I guess you reap
What you sow
Rubber duck
What the fuck
I'm out of luck

I was looking for a new job, but, after some days my boss give me a rice.
Did he smell it?

Aah, I love the smell of being blamed for risking the deadline because of taking longer than usual in implementing an integration to a schizophrenic, rape victim legacy system where I’m on my own to find out why it’s having violent diarrhea after feeding it a small dropdown menu, because no one knows what has been done or what happens where in the intestines of this abomination

I just hand to share this.

Got back from shift, currently 12 am.
Trying to cook rib eye. Went to grab skillet, accidently over a open flame. Heard a crackle and felt some heat.

Looked at forearm and I noticed that some of my arm hair was missing. It freakin burnt off and I could smell like something had burnt.

Wtf. I'm okay though. Just couldn't stop smiling. 😅

I didn't feel any pain though so just glad

Why is assigning something to a variable then returning it a code smell?

Simple example:

double makeNumber(String[] numbers)
{
StringBuilder sb = new StringBuilder();
for (String n : numbers)
sb.append(Double.parse(number);

double result = Double.parse(sb.toString());
return result;
}

Why is this bad?

double result = Double.parse(sb.toString());

imagine is a more complicated assignment or calls another function that does some other weird stuff?

If i'm going to debug an issue, i m going to have to unwrap it anyway. So what's the cost of leaving it there?

TIL "monorepos" are a thing, where you just whack all your projects into one insanely large repo. And not just a niche thing either - used by some of the biggest tech companies.

I thought this was a code smell that everyone moved past when we abandoned subversion.

I understand the theoretical arguments around ensuring that everything can be compatible, can make large scale changes at once, etc. - but I don't really buy that in practice. Surely if you've got that many inter-dependencies going on that just points to the fact you've got crappy code with way too much internal coupling?!

Does anyone use this paradigm? To me it just sounds like, for the big companies, moving away from one huge repo was too much hassle. So they gave it a fancy new name and pretended it's the new "cool way to work" instead.

Not the best way a co worker has quit and not dev related. From a job I had for only a month the summer before I got my first position with the company I'm currently with. It was factory work, pretty crappy, no air conditioning, this guy started just after me hardly ever did his job and was just generally annoying as hell. One day I'm brought into HR and asked if I fucking shower. :| I do and did every day. Deoderent and all. I explained it's a hot work environment. They said I should just shower more. I've never heard such a dumb complaint filed against anyone. Of course I wasn't going to smell like daisies, it was hot as fuck in there. Anyway a week later got offered a new job, I didn't give any notice just walked to HR at the end of the day the day before I started my new job, said I'm out. They asked if they could get 2 weeks notice, with out hesitating I stated no, I start my new job tomorrow, here's my badge, bye. And walked out. :| This wasn't the only thing that made me quit but it was kind of a tipping point. Like ok don't like sweat smell? Then don't be on top of me or find a job with air conditioning.

Why isn't Gooogle buying Atlassian to stock up G Suite with Wiki and Slack, then piss off Microsoft and win the Market over with better products?

Im reading everywhere now that MS Teams has the hugest Userbase and so much features to come bla bla bla

Fuck MS Teams, it's shit, looks like it and it's software so I can't smell it. Thank god for that, else it would smell like the afterback of a diaarhetic horse.

Every fucking Tecnician at my company is arguing, that MS Teams is better, because more users are active. WTF Poopface, they have more user, because it comes included with O365???

Our people are so stupid, I bet they won the IT Certification in a Lottery or flew to Turkey to buy it at a Bazaar.

And who the fuck are the Product Managers at Google, gonna hit them a couple of times with a broom to wake up. You fucktards are missing a huge market.

Hotel Vim

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway;
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself,
"This could be Heaven or this could be Hell"
Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor,
I thought I heard them say...

Welcome to the Hotel Vim
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Hotel Vim
Any time of year (Any time of year)
You can find it here

Her mind is Tiffany-twisted, she got the Mercedes bends
She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys she calls friends
How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.
Some dance to remember, some dance to forget

So I called up the Captain,
"Please bring me my wine"
He said, "We haven't had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine"
And still those voices are calling from far away,
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say...

Welcome to the Hotel Vim
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
They livin' it up at the Hotel Vim
What a nice surprise (what a nice surprise)
Bring your alibis

Mirrors on the ceiling,
The pink champagne on ice
And she said "We are all just prisoners here, of our own device"
And in the master's chambers,
They gathered for the feast
They stab it with their steely knives,
But they just can't kill the beast

Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
"Relax, " said the night man,
"We are programmed to receive.
You can check-out any time you like,
But you can never leave! "

Mom enters the room where i code all day

mom: EWWWW WHAT IS THAT SMELL

b2plane: its a lethal smell with the force of a thousand nuclear gas bombs bullshits that i shitted today

I stank the whole room. If i open the doors then the whole house would smell on bullshit. If i open the windows then the whole street could smell the bullshit i shitted from 1 asshole. Neighbors would smell it. Its that bad. Its that large. Its that lethal. It's that much of a big bullshit. And i write this rant off as i finish my 11th shit of today

Have you tried anything (legal) to consume/smell that helps you get in the zone?

I want to try smelling salt lol. Feels like it could give me a rush to crush whatever I'm working on

You work in a team, for a team to move forward successfully the team should work in sync. A team always has a goal and a plan to get to it. There are times when the team needs to take a different direction therefore the set path should always be available for change because our environments dictate it.

We all have different styles of working and different opinions on how things should work. Sometimes one is wrong and the other is right, and sometimes both are wrong, or actually sometimes both are right. However, at the end of it all, the next step is a decision for the team, not an individual, and moving forward means doing it together. #KickAssTeam

The end result can not come in at the beginning but only at the end of an implementation and sometimes if you’re lucky, during implementation you can smell the shit before it hits the fan. So as humans, we will make mistakes at times by using the wrong decisions and when this happens, a strong team will pull things in the right direction quickly and together. #KickAssTeam

Having a team of different opinions does not mean not being able to work together. It actually means a strong team! #kickAssTeam However the challenging part means it can be a challenge. This calls for having processes in place that will allow the team members to be heard and for new knowledge to take lead. This space requires discipline in listening and interrogating opinions without attachment to ideas and always knowing that YOUR opinion is a suggestion, not a solution. Until it is taken on by the team. #KickAssTeam We all love our own thinking. However, learning to re-learn or change opinions when faced with new information should become as easy to take in and use.

Now, I am no expert at this however through my years of development I find this strategy to work in a team of developers. It’s a few questions you ask yourself before every commit, When faced with working in a new team and possibly as a suggestion when trying to align other team members with the team.

The point of this article, the questions to self!

Am I following the formatting standard set?

Is what I have written in line with official documentation?

Is what I am committing a technical conversion of the business requirement?

Have I duplicated functionality the framework already offers?

I have introduced a methodology, library, heavily reusable component to the system, have you had a discussion with the team before implementing?

Are your methods and functions truly responsible for 1 thing?

Will someone you will never get to talk to or your future self have documentation of your work?
Either via point number 2, domain-specific, or business requirements documentation.

Are you future thinking too much in your solution?

Will future proof have a great chance of complicating the current use case?

Remember, you can never write perfect code that cures every future problem, but what you can do perfectly is serve the current business problem you are facing and after doing that for decades, you would have had a perfect line of development success.

Facing some down - simultaneously somehow as dev and privately.

The dev part partly triggered by another burning project. Our team deep in shit up to the chin... And this unanswerable question: who is to blame? Everyone is working up their arses, but the result is still some sparkling firework ship wreck, that only held together for the demo to the board. It's not that we are stupid or lazy, yet we push some unmaintainable spaghetti, because this shit just gotta work.

Dunno, somehow this object orientation / pattern ideologies were also kind of depressing to me: partly because they smell like attempt to enlighten the inept by stupid receipts - and of course then deep down there's this nagging question if I'm not one of this inept not knowing the newest fashion template from the catalogue..

Then this Clean Code - Craftsmanship shit is bugging me similarly. Liked Robert C. Martin's book, but now I picked up some "Clean C++" and.. I kinda feel dumbed down if they try to sell the KISS principle to a 36 year-old physicist/engineer. Good for them that all our legacy shit und own fuck ups nourish this whole industry of well-meaning advisers. Argh, just fuck it, you priests, sell your obvious calendar mottos elsewhere, they are are just as useful as telling a griever that "rain follows sunshine". - As if they would not some time use the raw pointer that their coworker gave 'em, to ship shit tomorrow?

fuck this shit.
fuck the pile of arcane shit that is ARCore.
fuck the fucking pile of overcomplicated shit that is mapbox.
fuck the idiotic frankensteiny steaming pile of shit that is "arcore+mapbox lifesized maps unity project" or how is it called.

fuck this retarded scammy culture when a company is doing meetups with investors before even having a working prototype.

fuck this stupid fucking culture where there's no time for some actual, sensible, creative work, just grab these two repos from github and ducktape them together and we'll call that our demo which we will present to inverstors.

fuck every fucking molecule of this fucking world.

i just wanted to be creative. to CREATE stuff. CREATE, not pile up dumb half-baked nonprojects made by someone else on top of each other until the smell is too strong for anyone to see if it's actually reasonable or not.

i wanted to create stuff. make games. design and make them. actual interesting ones which have actual value (because fuck the retarded gaming industry who's imagination doesn't go beyond "u a dude who does pew pew to other dudes", but that's a different rant).

fuck this disgusting, retarded, idiotic, boring, lonely, cold, lobotomizedly stupid world where the only way to succeed is a shitty pile of shit scammy scum.

fuck me for not being able to learn how to be scammy scum, so I could be successful too.

Is using getx's `ever` function a code smell? I'm using getx as a library rather than a framework ie state management instead of wrapping the app in it and using their widgets

My background from writing reactive code in vuex is that whenever a watched variable in the overarching store is updated, it automatically calls its listeners and re-renders the view. However, my flutter widgets remain stagnant except I explicitly mount the ever worker and call setState on a local field basically duplicating the store variable/field. It feels hacky to me tbh and leads to errors about calling setState on non-mounted screens, which I'm circumventing by checking if mounted (another hack)

It feels contrived like Band-aid over an actual problem. Is there a more natural way to propagate changes? I'm neither using getBuilder nor obx cuz a significant portion of my code entails computing stuff rather than just outputting data off an api. I want ui decisions to reside on my statefulWidget rather than migrating them to getx controller

Is this really how the project functions, should it be used a specific way, or am I missing something?

I wore some new clothes after a very long time, and the smell of the new clothes was surprisingly very nice. I somehow forgot what it was like.

Rawr X3 *nuzzles* How are you? *pounces on you* you're so warm o3o *notices you have a bulge* someone's happy! *nuzzles your necky wecky* ~murr~ hehe 😉 *rubbies your bulgy wolgy* you're so big! *rubbies more on your bulgy wolgy* it doesn't stop growing .///. *kisses you and licks your neck* daddy likes 😉 *nuzzle wuzzle* I hope daddy likes *wiggles butt and squirms* I wanna see your big daddy meat! *wiggles butt* I have a little itch o3o *wags tails* can you please get my itch? *put paws on your chest* nyea~ it's a seven inch itch *rubs your chest* can you pwease? *squirms* pwetty pwease? 🙁 I need to be punished *runs paws down your chest and bites lip* like, I need to be punished really good *paws on your bulge as I lick my lips* I'm getting thirsty. I could go for some milk *unbuttons your pants as my eyes glow* you smell so musky 😉 *licks shaft* mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm so musky 😉 *drools all over your cawk* your daddy meat. I like. Mister fuzzy balls. *puts snout on balls and inhales deeply* oh my gawd. I'm so hard *rubbies your bulgy wolgy* *licks balls* punish me daddy nyea~ *squirms more and wiggles butt* I9/11 lovewas an yourinside muskyjob goodness *bites lip* please punish me *licks lips* nyea~ *suckles on your tip* so good *licks pre off your cock* salty goodness~ *eyes roll back and goes balls deep*