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This code review gave me eye cancer.
So, first of all, let me apologize to anyone impacted by eye cancer, if that really is a thing... because that sounds absolutely horrible. But, believe me, this code was absolutely horrible, too.
I was asked to code review another team's script. I don't like reviewing code from other teams, as I'm pretty "intense" and a nit-picker -- my own team knows and expects this, but I tend to really piss off other people who don't expect my level of input on "what I really think" about their code...
So, I get this script to review. It's over 200 lines of bash (so right away, it's fair game for a boilerplate "this should be re-written in python" or similar reply)... but I dive in to see what they sent.
My eyes.
My eyes.
MY EYES.
So, I certainly cannot violate IP rules and post any of the actual code here (be thankful - be very thankful), but let me just say, I think it may be the worst code I've ever seen. And I've been coding and code-reviewing for upwards of 30 years now. And I've seen a LOT of bad code...
I imagine the author of this script was a rebellious teenager who found the google shell scripting style guide and screamed "YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD!" at it and then set out to flagrantly violate every single rule and suggestion in the most dramatic ways possible.
Then they found every other style guide they could, and violated all THOSE rules, too. Just because they were there.
Within the same script... within the SAME CODE BLOCK... 2-space indentation... 4-space indentation... 8-space indentation... TAB indentation... and (just to be complete) NO indentation (entire blocks of code within another function of conditional block, all left-justified, no indentation at all).
lowercase variable/function names, UPPERCASE names, underscore_separated_names, CamelCase names, and every permutation of those as well.
Comments? Not a single one to be found, aside from a 4-line stanza at the top, containing a brief description of that the script did and (to their shame), the name of the author. There were, however, ENTIRE BLOCKS of code commented out.
[ In the examples below, I've replaced indentation spacing with '-', as I couldn't get devrant to format the indentation in a way to suitably share my pain otherwise... ]
Within just a few lines of one another, functions defined as...
function somefunction {
----stuff
}
Another_Function() {
------------stuff
}
There were conditionals blocks in various forms, indentation be damned...
if [ ... ]; then
--stuff
fi
if [ ... ]
--then
----some_stuff
fi
if [ ... ]
then
----something
something_else
--another_thing
fi
And brilliantly un-reachable code blocks, like:
if [ -z "$SOME_VAR" ]; then
--SOME_VAR="blah"
fi
if [ -z "$SOME_VAR" ]
----then
----SOME_VAR="foo"
fi
if [ -z "$SOME_VAR" ]
--then
--echo "SOME_VAR must be set"
fi
Do you remember the classic "demo" programs people used to distribute (like back in the 90s) -- where the program had no real purpose other than to demonstrate various graphics, just for the sake of demonstrating graphics techniques? Or some of those really bad photo slideshows, were the person making the slideshow used EVERY transition possible (slide, wipe, cross-fade, shapes, spins, on and on)? All just for the sake of "showing off" what they could do with the software? I honestly felt like I was looking at some kind of perverse shell-script demo, where the author was trying to use every possible style or obscure syntax possible, just to do it.
But this was PRODUCTION CODE.
There was absolutely no consistency, even within 1-2 adjacent lines. There is no way to maintain this. It's nearly impossible even understand what it's trying to do. It was just pure insanity. Lines and lines of insanity.
I picture the author of this code as some sort of hybrid hipster-artist-goth-mental-patient, chain-smoking clove cigarettes in their office, flinging their own poo at their monitor, frothing at the mouth and screaming "I CODE MY TRUTH! THIS CODE IS MY ART! IT WILL NOT CONFORM TO YOUR WORLDLY STANDARDS!"
I gave up after the first 100 lines.
Gave up.
I washed my eyes out with bleach.
Then I contacted my HR hotline to see if our medical insurance covers eye cancer.33 -
Programmer was smoking...
lady nearby: "can't you see the warning smoking is injurious to your life!"
Programmer: "we are not worried about warnings only about Errors"4 -
Waiting for a bus. And there is a 14 year old smoking and looking after 3 10 year olds. She then gets them to role her 'fags' and then they all smoke. They are blaring rap from a speaker I'm annoyed everyone is annoyed.
They get on a bus full of elderly people.
Then I have my moment. I hear they are switching phone that the speaker is paired to, for different music. They even say the device name! I quickly get my phone search Bluetooth devices and pair. I connected all I could think was play the tweenies. And so I did.
They have hysterics of laughter, but I try act neutral containing my laughter. They keep saying they can't connect and that it's not their music. This went on for 10 or so minutes of them turning volume up and down. Until they catch on someone else is paired to it. I turn off my Bluetooth and get off the bus, you are welcome society.12 -
I participated at a robotfight today. After I pushed the enemy outside of the ring, my robot started smoking.. but I had a blast anyway
12 -
Testivus On Test Coverage
Early one morning, a programmer asked the great master:
“I am ready to write some unit tests. What code coverage should I aim for?”
The great master replied:
“Don’t worry about coverage, just write some good tests.”
The programmer smiled, bowed, and left.
...
Later that day, a second programmer asked the same question.
The great master pointed at a pot of boiling water and said:
“How many grains of rice should I put in that pot?”
The programmer, looking puzzled, replied:
“How can I possibly tell you? It depends on how many people you need to feed, how hungry they are, what other food you are serving, how much rice you have available, and so on.”
“Exactly,” said the great master.
The second programmer smiled, bowed, and left.
...
Toward the end of the day, a third programmer came and asked the same question about code coverage.
“Eighty percent and no less!” Replied the master in a stern voice, pounding his fist on the table.
The third programmer smiled, bowed, and left.
...
After this last reply, a young apprentice approached the great master:
“Great master, today I overheard you answer the same question about code coverage with three different answers. Why?”
The great master stood up from his chair:
“Come get some fresh tea with me and let’s talk about it.”
After they filled their cups with smoking hot green tea, the great master began to answer:
“The first programmer is new and just getting started with testing. Right now he has a lot of code and no tests. He has a long way to go; focusing on code coverage at this time would be depressing and quite useless. He’s better off just getting used to writing and running some tests. He can worry about coverage later.”
“The second programmer, on the other hand, is quite experience both at programming and testing. When I replied by asking her how many grains of rice I should put in a pot, I helped her realize that the amount of testing necessary depends on a number of factors, and she knows those factors better than I do – it’s her code after all. There is no single, simple, answer, and she’s smart enough to handle the truth and work with that.”
“I see,” said the young apprentice, “but if there is no single simple answer, then why did you answer the third programmer ‘Eighty percent and no less’?”
The great master laughed so hard and loud that his belly, evidence that he drank more than just green tea, flopped up and down.
“The third programmer wants only simple answers – even when there are no simple answers … and then does not follow them anyway.”
The young apprentice and the grizzled great master finished drinking their tea in contemplative silence.
Found on stack overflow https://stackoverflow.com/questions...8 -
1. Humans perform best if they have ownership over a slice of responsibility. Find roles and positions within the company which give you energy. Being "just another intern/junior" is unacceptable, you must strive to be head of photography, chief of data security, master of updating packages, whatever makes you want to jump out of bed in the morning. Management has only one metric to perform on, only one right to exist: Coaching people to find their optimal role. Productivity and growth will inevitably emerge if you do what you love. — Boss at current company
2. Don't jump to the newest technology just because it's popular or shiny. Don't cling to old technology just because it's proven. — Team lead at the Arianespace contractor I worked for.
4. "Developing a product you wouldn't like to use as an end user, is unsustainable. You can try to convince yourself and others that cancer is great for weight loss, but you're still gonna die if you don't try to cure it. You can keep ignoring the disease here to fill your wallet for a while, but it's worse for your health than smoking a pack of cigs a day." — my team supervisor, heavy smoker, and possibly the only sane person at Microsoft.
5. Never trust documentation, never trust comments, never trust untested code, never trust tests, never trust commit messages, never trust bug reports, never trust numbered lists or graphs without clearly labeled axes. You never know what is missing from them, what was redacted away. — Coworker at current company.9 -
A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another.
A lady walking by notices him and says
"Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?"
"That's OK" says the guy, puffing casually "I'm a computer programmer."
"So? What's that got to do with anything?"
"We don't care about warnings. We only care about errors".4 -
I don’t know what the peeps over at avocode are smoking but it must be some good stuff to come up with a unicorn avacado...
8 -
!rant
Programming is a huge blessing i believe we all should be thankful to. For me, it literally turned my life around.
11 months ago i was fighting a losing battle with depression, and contemplated suicide constantly. I would use a self remedy of smoking weed and sleeping all day long. I was depressed because i felt my life had no real value. I was doing nothing, and its kind of an infinite loop.
You don't do anything, so you feel bad, so you don't do anything, and so on.
That was until i finally took the step that changed my life. I searched and wanted to learn something. I always liked web pages so i thought id get into web development.
Did some research, found out that the fastest way to go was to learn ruby on rails. I followed a tutorial i found online, and literally pushed myself through it. There were times when there where things i didnt understand, and when it was really bad, but i pushed myself through it and i finished the tutorial.
Just finishing the tutorial and learning something new helped me alot. I had already quit smoking and was feeling way better, but after a while i started feeling bad again since i wasnt doing anything after i had finished learning, so i started working on a personal project, creating it from scratch, and just working on it day and night. I worked 14 hours a day, never really leaving my room ( this was during summer vacation ) for a month.
There were many things i didnt understand, but i never gave up and always searched for the solution and read about it until i understood it better. Looking back, there were things i knew could have been done in a better way, but as a first project, im proud of myself, not because it rocks, but because i did not give up.
In the process of starting a new life, i was really lonely. I cut all ties with everyone i knew, since they were all toxic, all i had in my life was ruby on rails and my web application. I wanted to launch it but couldn't due to personal reasons.
Not being able to launch and see something live, something that you worked so hard on, that you put so much effort into, that was devastating to me. I felt as if all my efforts had gone to waste.
And here is what i love most about programming, NOTHING EVER GOES TO WASTE. All that effort you spent on something ? All these all nighters you pulled ? All that frustration from that bug ? It will pay off later. It always does somehow. You get more knowledge and become a better programmer, and sometimes it even gives way to new opportunities and chances you never even expected.
I included my web application in my resume and it helped land me a job as a junior developer in a really nice company. A job that i wouldn't even have dreamed of several months earlier.
Programming and creating something new and learning something new everyday, creating something that people use, that someone else will benefit from and be grateful for, i think we should never take that for granted !
Tl;dr : learning how to code and web development saved my life9 -
A software engineer was smoking...
A lady nearby asked him: "Can't you read the warnings? Smoking is injurous to health!"
He replied: "We are bothered only about errors, not warnings!"7 -
Ill join in - Our CEO and CTO insist that we can make an AI that can recognize emotions and feelings through Python, R, and some MySQL... mind you, with a team of unpaid interns....
Im sorry, but Id love some of whatever the fuck they are smoking.12 -
I've just decided!
I am going to stop smoking.
I'm just afraid of the first days, where I'm going to crave nicotine, be anxious, have cold sweats, be in mental and even physical pain, and have noting to put in my longs when I'm bored or anxious.
I'm just going to smoke this last packet and I'm done with this shit!
I am physically sick of thinking about cancer and other diseases, and I'm sick of feeling like an old man.
I'm frickin' 22!
Please God, give me strength.62 -
An intern I was supposed to lead (as an intern) and work with. Which sounded kinda crazy to me, but also fun so I rolled with it. But when I met her I quickly found out she didn't even have a coding editor installed and when I advised one she was "scared of virusses". She had Microsoft Edge in her toolbar, and some picture of a cat as a background. We were given some project by our boss, and a freelance programmer helped us set it up on Trello. Great, lets start! Oke maybe first some R&D, she had to reaeach how to use the Twilio API. After catching her on WhatsApp a few times I realised this wasnt gonna go anywere. After a few weeks of coding and posting a initial project to git I asked her if she could show me the code of the API she made so far..
She told me she was using the quickstart guide (the last 3 FUCKING weeks) which contained some test project with specific use cases.
The one that I did 3 weeks ago that same fucking morning.
AND SHE WAS STILL NOT DONE...
A few days later I asked her about the progress (strangly, I wasn't allowed ti give her another task bcs the freelanc already did) and guess what... She got fking pissed at me
Her: "I will come to you when im done, ok?"
Me: "I just want to see how it is going so far and if you are running into any problems!"
Her: "I dont want to show you right now"
She then goes to my fucking boss to tell him I am bothering her.
And omg... Please dear god please kill me now...
Instead of him saying the she probably didn't do shit. He says to me that the girl thinks im looking down on her and she needs a stress free environment to work in. She will show me when its done. ITS A FUCKING QUICKSTART GUIDE YOU DUMB BITCH.
He then procceeded to whine to me about the email template (another project I do at the same time) which didn't look perfect in all of his clients.
Dont they understand that I am not a frontend developer? Can you stop please? I know nothing about email templates, I told you this!!!
Really... the whole fucking internship the only thing the girl did was ask people if they want more tea. Then she starts cleaning the windows, talk to people for an hour, or clean everyone's dask.
all this while I already made 50% of the fucking product and she just finished the quickstart tutorial 😭. Truly 2 months wasted, and the worse thing is I didn't get any apprication. They constantly blamed me and whined at me. Sometimes for being 3 minutes late, the other for smoking too much, or because I drink to much coffee, or that I dont eat healthy. They even forced me to play Ping Pong. While im just trying to do my job. One of the worst things they got mad at me for if when my laptop got hacked bcs it was infected with some virus. He had remote access and bought 5 iPhones 6's with my paypal while I was on break. I had to go home and quickly reset all my passwords and make sure the iPhones wouldnt get delivered. strange this was, this laptop I only used at the company. So it must have been software I had to download there. Probably phpstorm (torrent). Bcs nobody would give me a license. And the freelancer said I * have to *.
the monday after I still had to reinstall windows so I called them and said I would be late. when I came they were so disrepectfull and didn't understand anything. It went a little like this:
Boss: why u late?
Me: had to reinstall my laptop, sorry.
Boss: why didnt you do this in your own time?
Me: well, I didn't have any time.
Boss: cant you do this in the weekend or something? Because now we have to pay you several hours bcs you downloaded something at home.
Me: I am only using this laptop for work so thats not possible.
Boss: how can that even be possible? You are not doing anything at home with your laptop? Is that why you never do anything at home?
Me: uhm, I have desktop computer you know. Its much faster. And I also need to rest sometimes. Areeb (freelancer) told me to torrent the software. He gave me the link. 2 days later this happends
Boss: Ahh okeee I see.. Well dont let it happen again.
After that nobody at the compamy trusted me with anything computer related. Yes it was my own fault I downloaded a virus but it can happen to anyone. After that I never used Windows again btw, also no more auto login apps.8 -
How to quit smoking as a developer, tutorial:
#1: You're only allowed to smoke when every unit test is passing.
#2: ???
#3: Profit5 -
Just found a 1000kV arc generator on AliExpress.. huehue :v
1 megavolt? That's the usual voltage level on lightning bolts. And with air's breakdown voltage of ~15kV/cm (could differ depending on humidity), you'd need nearly a meter of distance between the prongs *and* be able to achieve an arc between that distance without having shit arc internally, before you could ever reach 1MV. Yet arc generators' prongs are usually within 1cm of each other. I'd give it 10kV at best.
Also, they're generating the voltage of a lightning bolt for €3.65 apparently.. way too good to be true. Even components able to handle 10kV are quite costly, and components having a breakdown voltage of over 1MV is completely unheard of. I'm gonna buy one of those puppies to see how the circuit is designed and to zap the shit out of those bloody mosquitos in here - the only women that love me :'( - but I wouldn't be surprised if it just boosts the output voltage up to whatever until it can arc and short out. Completely unregulated of course.. which is fine but eh, I doubt that any of those components are rated for 1MV so probably the regulation is in smoking components acting like fuses when the prongs are too wide apart :v
As for the purpose of this rant.. nothing in particular really. Perhaps it'll educate some, I don't know. Just wanted to put it out there :)
Also if you'd like to watch some video material about this, you may find ElectroBOOM's coverage interesting: https://youtube.com/watch/...35 -
Bad dev habit to unlearn?
Not committing frequently, and committing huge pieces of work with just a one-line message.
I used to forgive myself because I'm the only dev on any of my projects, but now I look back at commits and find myself going "wait... what was I smoking here?"
Plus in weekly meetings people ask what I got done and it's like "Uhhhhh... apparently 'bug fixes' and a 'big update'."
Trying to commit much smaller pieces with detailed messages now. I also auto-gen changelogs from my commit messages. It's much, much nicer, even as a solo dev.3 -
Late at night
"Your eyes look red." said the cop.
"Have you been smoking weed?".
"I am a developer" he replied.
Modified from Reddit2 -
Client writes me in slack two hours after my 8 hours are done:
“We have a bug, can you fix it now? We need to have it in two days”
Me, smoking pressing cmd+q, closing laptop , listening fools gold by the stone roses, curtains down6 -
Achievable goals:
- build a decent portfolio
- change job
- finish something I started
- go living abroad
- quit smoking
- stop being single
Realistic(?) goals:
- survive till then6 -
!dev && rant
Went to the café earlier today to buy some cigarettes, because the nearby beauty/drug store is phasing them out due to what according to the cashier I asked is because "we are a beauty store so cigarettes don't align with that philosophy!"
If they really stand for beauty, they wouldn't have employed you, ugly fucking bitch.
So, onwards to the café which I recall has a cigarette vending machine. Closed.
To the next one!
Me: "Um, do you have a cigarette vending machine?"
Bartender: "Nope."
Some motherfucker who was drinking there: "You know, you could stop smoking and start living healthy-"
Me: "you know how difficult it is to stop smoking? ^^"
Me (internally): YOU FILTHY WASTE OF OXYGEN, THIS IS MY BODY, MY LIFE, I CHOOSE WHAT TO DO WITH IT!! Or are you divine oracle of knowledge about health somehow an authoritative source of advice?!
You know what that sounds like? It sounds like those fucking morons on every Windows rant saying "yOU sHoULd rEalY usE LenOx!!". Or the motherfuckers at every family dinner saying "I am vegan, therefore you shouldn't eat meat!!"
Same motherfucker: "Oh it looks like you're sweating too!"
YEAH YOU PIECE OF SHIT, I REALLY DIDN'T NOTICE THAT YET!!! IT'S 32 FUCKING DEGREES IN MY APARTMENT, MY ASSCRACK IS WELDED TOGETHER, YET YOU THINK THAT I DIDN'T NOTICE YET THAT I'M SWEATING?!!!
If only I could shoot them in their fucking heads and expose them for the brainless pieces of shit they are!!!34 -
Stupid boss story:
I got a job doing embedded media hardware stuff last year. From day one, it was pretty clear that management didn't like me (being called a faggot and a tranny tends to give one that impression) and had no fucking clue what they were doing (they are IT managers after all). I have a largely self taught infosec/hardware-design background and probably could have done all their jobs myself without even smoking more than usual, but I was the only one on staff who was never promoted despite easily working twice the hours. After bringing up the issue, my boss gave the position I wanted to an employee known for being an incompetent piece of shit, likely to spite me, and the same day sent an "automated" email saying that all staff in my section had been laid off due to restructuring, except that email didn't have a Bcc marking and was sent personally rather than using the corporate mass mailer. I'm back to doing the usual grey hat OSINT and people-finding, and it *just so happens* that a long time friend wants dirt on folks who it turns out are in regular contact with my old employers. Lucky me ;)4 -
I feel a bit bad.
My family left for the weekend sonim all alone at home.
I told everybody else not to bother me so could code.
Instead i went to buy soda，sandwich food， beer， papers and smokes (i quit smoking 6months ago ;)) and played video games for the last 2 days.7 -
Summary: Burnout, and everything's broken.
I don't feel like doing a damn thing today. I look at the code and cringe. I look at Slack and think "ugh. i can't." Mental capitals are even too much work.
(I've started reading "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" to try and combat burnout. I'll write a rant/story about it here if I find it helpful. but all I want to do today is drink tea and read.)
But onto the story:
Heroku is deprecating support for and will automatically upgrade any old verisons of Postgres running on its platform after August something (like five days from now).
I performed the upgrade to PG10 on Sunday (and late into the night), provisioning a new follower, blah blah blah.
However, the version of Rails we're using (4.2.x) doesn't support PG10 sequences, so I manually added in support via a monkeypatch. I did this on our QA servers first, obviously, and everything worked as expected. After half a day of no issues, I did the same on production, and again: everything worked as expected.
But today? I keep hearing about new things that are broken. One specific type of alert doesn't work for one specific person (wat). Can't send [redacted] at all. Can't update merchants! Yet there are magically no errors logged.
That last one (well, two) are just great; let me explain: when there's an error concerning merchants, the error gets caught, isn't logged or recorded anywhere so it just disappears, and the rescue block triggers a json response instead and happily exits. This is for an internal admin tool, so returning a user-friendly error is kinda stupid anyway, but masking what actually happened? fuck that dev with an obelisk made from spikes and solidified pain. That json response is also lovely: it's a 200 OK returning {status: 1, data: "[generic message containing incorrect IT jargon]"}. Doesn't even say "error" anywhere. Bloody everything about this pattern is absolutely wrong. Even the friggin' text.
Fucking hell. I want to pipe the entire codebase into shred and walk out the door.
But I digress. So many things are broken, my motivation is wanning to a sliver, and I have a conference call today where I'll undoubtedly be asked why everything is on smoking and/or on fire, and my huge and overly productive week last week will ofc mean nothing by contrast.
Ugh.
`shred ~/dev/work -zfu -n 32 &; ./brew tea --hot && wine ~/takeabreak.exe`23 -
I hate when I'm being questioned when I wander off to the kitchen to get a sandwich for 5 minutes when the smokers at the office have their sixth smoking break that usually takes about 10 minutes.
Let me enjoy my non-smoker breaks 😒9 -
#rant
Instead of receiving a motivation in 2018, my boss decided to go anti mainstream and started with demotivation speech.
He started with how good we were last year even when he wasn't around. Well done team! But after that, it went downhill.
We were asked to work even harder, we got new policy (no unpaid leave, no paid overtime, minimum 40 hours working, etc) which some of them make sense and some don't, a specifically set break time (apparently to shut down smokers for smoking at random times), and warning for not being punctual.
And pay rise only after end of financial year.
To make it worse, we are not allowed to take naps or watch youtube on our desk on our breaks.
I seriously wonder what happened during his Christmas NY break. I'm not an entrepreneur so I have no idea if that is a right way to run a company or if Australia government just created new law. But surely I know this is when I say "New year, new company"10 -
!dev at all
Was chilling with my t mobile rep trying to get some issues resolved regarding what Verizon's bitchass was trying to do after i left their shitty company.
While i was there and my dude was working his magic i noticed this smoking chick walking around the store waiting for someone to help her out. So being that everyone was busy and sorta scared of talking to her( i can sense that shit) i told my boy to go and pick her as his customer, to be flirty and cool and shit.
My poor dude was all like "nah man I dunno how to talk to girls...."
I was telling him "bro, you ain't bad looking, just go, introduce yo ass and tell her that you'll take care of her in a min!"
"But i get all anxious and shit"
"Nah man, just talk to her like you did to me when we first met, she is just a customer, i aint telling you to ask her out on a date, just i dunno practice talking to girls! No harm with that! Specially this one b look at them leeeeeeegs!"
Now, why did I care? The reason is that he mentioned to me after seeing my wife (total babe) that he pictures me as a player. Which I was but that is beyond the point. And he said that he had always had trouble talking to girls.
So i told him what to do, said to be calm and confident. Ninja is an alpha salesman, and great with t mobile services, so he has that confidence, told him to exude that shit as if he was talking to a guy.
Homeboy got ballsy, drank 5 gallons of man the fuck up and went and did what I did. Then she went ahead and stand next to us, and i put on the good words for my dude "ah you got the best rep right here! G boy is bomb with everything!!" She was laughing saying that she hopes that he can help her with her phone.
"Don't worry, i got you, its just a small thing and if you want i'll show you what to do for future occasions"
"Oh so you don't want me to come back if it happens?"
"Haha you can come back any time as long as I am the one helping you out"
DAAAAAAAAAAAMN son!!
"Ok, but only if its you"
Daaaaaaaaaamn
Went better than expected. The dude needs more confidence, he aint bad looking at all and don't want him missing out on some of the babes we got walking around town.
Lord knows I had my fun with them.11 -
Having a look through my .bashrc, apparently forgot about this.
Thank you bong smoking, fortune telling cow.
2 -
"We need high performance so cache basically everything, but we also need to see the newest data at all times that's not cached"
Wut? What the fuck are you smoking?!...
Can I have some?3 -
Browsing job postings, and some of these requirements are just crazy, and/or wtf. Here's an example:
Front End developer wanted, junior to mid-level. An ideal candidate will be an expert in PHP, C#, and Java. Minimum experience of 10 years. Estimated compensation 30,000 per year.
Entry level full stack developer. Must be an expert in SQL. 5 years experience, BS in computer science required.
Web Developer intern - must have 3 years of experience. Must be an expert in x, y, z. This position is unpaid.
Sheeit.8 -
!dev
I just opened an Instagram live video for the first time. It was a video from Snoop Dogg and I thought...
“I can almost smell the chronic he is smoking on”
... then I remember I live in Vancouver BC and that smell is the 80 year old man and his wife smoking a joint at the crosswalk.
—> I like the place I live :) -
!rant
One day Boss was doing code review of my work
Boss to me: What the fuck dev1!?!? All efforts I spent to quit smoking and your XML routine gave me cancer anyway!
Another day, a colleague needed to make change to a program that hasn't been changed in looong time and sees a commit from our Boss done 15yrs ago!!!
Dev2 to Boss: Boss this signal catching routine sucks dicks! How did you become a our Boss?
Me to dev2: He sucked as many dicks as his routine did
Boss to us: Oh look! Performance appraisal is due this week. Bye-bye 7.5%
Here 7.5% referring to pay raise that is average pay raise3 -
Hope this is not a repost
A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another. A lady walking by notices him and says
"Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"
"That's OK" says the guy, puffing casually "I'm a computer programmer"
"So? What's that got to do with anything?"
"We don't care about warnings. We only care about errors."
😂😂😂😂😂4 -
So I broke up with someone and need to vent. She was a wonderful person, but the way it ended still pisses me off.
The reason for breaking up, was both wonderful and delirious. She claimed her mum told her there was someone dark in her life, and she had to cut off all connections from them.
She broke up with me, because she was worried and I quote: "I would taint her soul". I laughed and smiled throughout the breakup scene. She wept at the end. I really liked her... I even gave up smoking for her && I had mad withdrawals btw. Like wtf, of all the people she just knew I was the dark one (her boyfriend). That is just poetically fucked up. I literally felt like my life was a 90s videogame at that moment.
I'm good now though. Ranting is healthy. The upside is I barely coded while I was with her, now I code all the time. Morale of the story: 'People are crazy ' + '& Love is fucked'. Bye for now51 -
It's Saturday, I'm smoking ribs; an system alert just came in! It looks harmless, I'll let someone else look. Hey, I'm cooking ribs!
-
I just switched up my temperature sensors and attached a TMP36 in place of the usual DS18B20.
I did my usual pinout and turned on my Pi, then compiled Python3.6 because I needed it for asyncio.
Ten minutes later when I entered my room again, my Pi was fried and the sensor was smoking.
FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKK5 -
I miss cigarettes.
Sometimes I am dying for a smoke.
This would happen to you after dealing with the web services of 2 campuses. Should have never stopped smoking eh?
Fuck13 -
*phone ring*
Hello?
Yes we found your listing on the internet, is this car wash that is right there by the gas station on XX highway?
No ma'am I work on location but I'm currently shut down for the moment
ok thank you
*hangs up phone
*Looks up old google myBusiness listing:
xxx llc
phone # (xxx) 555 - 1234
hours : permanently closed
*log into myBusiness >> account settings >> permanently delete listing
Are you sure?
Yes
Your account has been scheduled for deletion. It will be suspended 14 days if you change your mind
*Log off
(2 hrs later)
*phone rings
Hi this is xxx from google myBusiness, we would like for you to confirm the location and contact inf...
*hangs up phone
(next day)
* ding
You've got mail
*checks email
Google myBusiness
Finish signing up to get your business on google.
We're here to help you with the process. Let get you signed up....
🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️
13 -
Continued from previous post.
The man with hoodie walked down a dark alley. At distance, a house which looked haunted stood. As he entered the house he sighed a relief. Once inside, he descends to the basement where an old computer sat. He turned on the computer and smiled. The screen showed a prompt. With fews keystrokes, a series of scripts begin to execute. Finally at the bottom, a text blinked.
"Awaiting Connection........"
The CPU was recovered from rubble and brought to General's office as per his order. It was connected to a power source and it started to boot. A prompt showed up. A man in suit, suggested perhaps it expected a login. The General sat on his chair smoking a cigar thinking on what action must be taken next.
While men in suit discussed about the CPU, someone plugged in a LAN cable. The General who was lost in thought, saw this from corner of his. A moment passed. General sprang from his chair, hurling his cigar to the floor. As men in suits, looked at the General's display of athletic behavior they sensed the tension. Everyone turned to the CPU now connected to LAN now.
Far way, the screen on hooded man computer showed. "Connected".
A series of scripts started to execute.
Cold wind was all that could be heard out side the General's office building and the house, where hooded man sat in the dark.1 -
> Hi xx team, we are getting 500 errors from your api. Here's http request and resp.
< hi, we are calling yy team's api http://yy.Com?/api/yyy and it does not respond in 3 minutes, so we treat this as an esockettimeout. Please reach out to yy team
> hi yy team, can you assist us?
< hi, please provide request, url and response you're getting from us
> yy, all this info is in this very mailtrail
< hi, I cannot see request nor response anywhere
> [screenshot w/ highlighted "http://yy.Com?/api/yyy" and "and it does not respond in 3 minutes". Please read through this email thread, it has all the info
< hi, I need request and response to investigate this issue. Esockettimeout is not our error
<wtf are you smoking???>8 -
I JUST HAD ONE OF THOSE DAYS THAT MAKES ONE WANT TO BANG TWO BRICKS ON HEAD SND END THE PAIN THE STORY STARTS YESTETDAY WITH ISSUES AFTER A MIGRSTION AND THEY ASK ME TO HELP TROUBLESHOOT EVEN THOUGH I'M A DEV DBA AND THE ISSUE IS IN QA/SAT AND I HELP ANYWAY AND THEY CAN'T FIND A VIEW AND SO I LOOK EVERYWHERE AND CAN'T DOING IT EITHER AND IT DIDN'T EXIST IN PROD OR DEV SO I TELL THEM IT'S NOT THERE, AND THEY ARE LIKE, CAN YOU RETRIEVE IT FOR US AND I'M LIKE FROM WHERE? I DON'T KEEP VIEWS IN MY BUTT AND YOU GUYS ARE SMOKING CRACK AND THE GIVE ME THEIR QUERY WHICH CONTAIN THE VIEE ANYWAY AND THEY SAY CAN YOU RUN IT AND IT RUNS AND WORKS AND THEY CAN'T MAKE IT WORK AND IT WORKS BECAUSE IT DOESN'T CALL THE VIEW THEY HAVE ME SO NO PROBLEM THERE SO I FINALLY ASK THEM ARE YOU POINTING TO THE CORRECT DATABASE AND THEY'RE LIKE OH MAN WE TOLD YOU THE WRONG DATABASE AND SO I LOOK AT THE RIGHT DATABASE AND FIND THAT THE GRANTS ARE MISSING AND YEAH THANK YOU FOR TAKING EIGHT HOURS OF MY LIFE BECAUSE WE WERE IN THE WRONG DB YOU GAVE ME AND I HOPE THE FLAG OF A THOUSAND CAMELS INVEST YOUR ARMPITS AND THE CHIGGERS OF A THOUSAND SOUTHERN LAWNS INGEST YOUR SOCKS AND UNDERWEAR. YAAAAAA!!!!20
-
At this point i'd like to talk about the original PHP founder Rasmus Lerdorf, who was obviously too distracted by his own beard while watching the NBA Playoffs in 1995 to write a proper language.
There's not a language more inconsistent, ilogical, deficient, and best of all, bad structured.
Seriously, which substances was he smoking when thinking up such things as: non objective strings, incasesensitive functions and associative arrays?
What have objects ever done? any other honorable language does that, python, javascript, rails, C#, take your pick.
Not to mention the order of needle/haystack parameters.5 -
In my unenlightened youth, when programming was a module in my college diploma that didn't seem to be taking me where I wanted to go, I had a couple of guys guy in my class that could arguably be the weird ones.
Jonny, although he asserted that he was to be called "Jonhty", whatever, we never did. He was pretty much top of the high school food chain and for some reason elected to study computer science, none of us was prepared to put up with his shit. He was always boasting about some fanciful claim or another, famously entering the classroom and exclaiming he'd "fucked an absolute milf" and seemed somewhat evasive about the answer, turns out he was 17 and she was 35, the age difference was greater than his own age. We burst out laughing. He would also turn up late and state the college bus was late (it wasn't I got the free bus every day, he'd just not got out his wanking chariot early enough).
One valentine's day we got him a card from a mysterious stranger which was accompanied by a package containing a cucumber and Vaseline, the inside of the card read "to assist you in the following request: please go fuck yourself".
Before you think we were being unduly harsh, we had a centre table where we'd be taught from with computers around the outer rim of the room. He'd come up behind people while at the centre desk, quietly press ctrl+P and slowly walk back to the printer. I saw him do it to my machine and I got to the printer first, to which he shouted "that's MY work" which was amusing because unbeknownst to him I had put headers on all my documents so he really didn't have an answer for why my name was at the top of every page.
To top it all off he had dead eyes, there didn't appear to be much going on but the rent, there was no spark of intelligent life, and while I thought it, I never said it out loud, but other students did and I had to agree. He was just copying his way to graduation. However, he ultimately didn't graduate when people refused to allow him to copy.
Another guy, Richard I believe his name was, which is just as well because he was a right dick. In the UK our word for white trash is "chav" (that's a very naïve explanation for it but that's another rant best left for "socialsciencerant") and he was an complete idiot who was gifted with more brain cells than he ever needed to use. He actually studied hard and got reasonable grades, probably on par with me, but he boasted about smoking weed all the time, he was forever playing dark side of the moon via his loud mp3 player. I kinda left him alone generally until he was high in class one time and while we we're watching a documentary he'd shake my chair and make a weird noise in my ear every few minutes, the first couple of times startled me, the remaining multi-dozen times pissed me off.
It all came to a head with this guy when I'd been hearing about his uninteresting bs on drugs, music and how best to spend my time ("you need to lighten up man, come round my house, take a joint and relax man", that sorta thing), well this guy walked like he was mid way through shitting himself so I personally think that perhaps he is too chilled. Anyway he's arguing with me and after the exchange of him making his point, me disagreeing and expecting the end of it, he made the mistake of saying two words to me:
"Listen, mate..."
And I had him in check mate.
"Listen, I ain't your fucking mate , I don't even like you, you're a disruptive annoying twat that thinks he knows it all, we're all 17, none of us know anything, so shut the fuck up, sit the fuck down and stop boring me with your drugs, I ain't interested, and for the record I think pink Floyd ruined prog rock!"
He looked at me with sad puppy dog eyes, and started with the "but, why?", However I was interrupted and had to leave the class for unrelated reasons, I returned to be told he'd put safety pins up right on my chair so I'd sit on them, and mutual friends who TD me I'd been cruel and that he doesn't was hurt, so I should apologize, he overheard and said he was sorry for bring a bit of a dick.
However, you just know when you don't get on with someone? Yeah, that. So I said I wasn't sorry for what I said, for while it was harsh, I am not his mate, nor did I want to be his mate and that was all I had to say on the subject, and that if he wants to take offensive to a nobody not liking him then he's in for a very rough time in life.
Unsurprisingly I don't keep in touch with anyone from college!2 -
Four months ago I decided to quit smoking and bought a vape mod :) Never touched a cigarette since. Best decision I made in a while.
Just wanted to share this with you, fellow devs. :)6 -
It's Rainy...
Smoking a Joint
Infected Mushroom on Youtube
Arduino in my front, just recovered a damaged module, drawers filled with new gadgets to try (new to Arduino, is so addicting I don't even play anymore)...
This is life
The only thing lacking is a blowjob...21 -
!dev
I am a simple person, and i life by simple rules. Doing all necessary tasks of the day eat/sleep/work/socialize. Keeping myself and people around me in a good shape, without bothering anyone.
And then i see the majority of humanity. wasting their existance, poising their body making their brain numb with smoking, drinking and all sorts of drugs, caring only for themself and bothering others.
Please fellow devs rais your kids properly, dont let them become a worse generation then what was the last 50 years. Give them the present of logical thinking and show them kindness while also showing them the harshness of life.11 -
My strategy is really really dumb. I go outside and smoke... ive done this for so long that im now at the point that im terrified that if i stop smoking i wont get unstuck. pathetic isnt it?4
-
One of the worst guys I've worked with was a guy from Romania that got at consulting gig where I used to work. He didn't have an apartment at first, so one of the senior guys let him live at his house to get going. He repaid that favor by drinking all the wine in the house, leaving glasses everywhere. He also sang opera on the front porch early in the morning disturbing all the neighbours.
At work he spent more time outside smoking his strong foreign sigarettes than inside coding. One day he just disappeared, and no one could get a hold of him on the phone or email. Days turned to weeks, and our manager ended up sending him an email saying "I don't know where you went, but don't bother coming back".
The best part of this story is that when we were hiring the next time, he actually applied. You know what he wrote? "I'M BETTER NOW".. 😂😂
(The sad thing is that the code he wrote wasn't half bad, but the guy? Jesus. We just called him Vlad. Don't know his real name to this date)1 -
A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, “Can’t you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!”
To which the man replies, “I am a programmer. We don’t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.”3 -
Most embarrassing interview rejection was not even in person, it was over the phone.
The company that I was going to work for (quite a big one mind you), scheduled to phone me at 2PM, I was preparing mentally for 2PM, so I took my girlfriend to lunch at 1. Just to relax and calm myself before the phoned me.
It was 34 degrees (celcius - I think that's about 93 farenheit? somewhere close) outside and I was waiting for her to finish her smoke (she was in the smoking area).
They phoned me, and it caught me completely off-guard. My years of knowledge just seemed to flush down the toilet at that moment, and I utterly felt stupid talking to the guy over the phone. It was a first for me, and I hope that it never happens again - he basically stopped me, told me that I had better not apply before I know what I am talking about (as I was wasting his time), and then put down the phone on me..
Worst part was that my girlfriend came back right then and asked me if I am ready for the interview. I hung my head in shame because I was ashamed to tell her that I fucked it up, because you know, I kind of needed the job (the one I had at the stage was shitty).1 -
Working 18 hours per day was tough, at the beginning coffee helped a lot. However I started loosing friends and the little free time I had, I spent it drinking, lonely in anonymous pubs, trying to socialise.
Workload increased and stress started to affect me, so I began smoking weed to relax.
To recover and work with renewed energy coffee was not enough anymore, I started with pills, amphetamines, coke, crack. After the biggest deployments I would disappear for days in an opium den.
Work, it's a gateway drug.7 -
Fucking bastard soldering irons, that shit burns. My fault for deciding it's a good idea to do so after smoking. I spaced out and now I have a bitching burn. Dunno how I'll handle learning mechanronics when I can't even solder simple pins properly 😂🤣
Which gets me thinking, how the fuck does the solder cool down so quickly? -
https://github.com/PythonNut/...
What on earth is this guy smoking?
1. The repository is empty.
2. You can't use numbers as your variable names in function definitions.
3. His code isn't indented.
4. What is up with all those quotation marks?
5. "print()" is not supposed to be capitalized.
6. He apparently doesn't know how to use markdown for code includes.
I get it, he's a n00b, so I mostly held off for my comment on the issue, but didn't he at least take the GitHub tutorial they make you do when you register for an account?
Even more curiously, what repo did he mean to make that comment on?
Dang.5 -
I quit smoking yesterday.
By a coincidence I had a pack of cigarettes named “Kresty” – the brand from russian prison.
Just gave it to Stephen Paul Taylor. There’s no reason to smoke again, just don’t want to loose this kind of story.
4 -
Cutting down on coffee and trying to stop smoking at the same time as working on a close deadline... not a great combo9
-
!rant // deprecated but who cares
I just wanted to write down something i realized. I realized that that I stopped growing as an individual a while ago.
Being a student put me in constant stress situations. I had to do things quickly. Lern things fast, drop things I don't understand immediately, move on, and repeat. I think this corrupted me, turning learning into something that it's not supposed to be. Even making me reject other people's opinions sometimes, which disgusts me every time I think back to it.
When I started programming I'd always try to read the code, until i completely understood what exactly this code was doing. Something I stopped doing a while ago because of the mentioned time constraints.
But today I got the hit by the consequences (German: Ich hab Retourkutsche abbekommen)
I was implementing an algorithm today, while my partner was writing the main program, which acted as indirect test cases. And the errors were discovered one after another because of my misinterpretation. Or Simply put, my lack of knowledge. Because it was already late, we stopped soon afterwards but I wanted to solve this problem by tomorrow. I really wanted to get my head around this algorithm, so that i could solve it with confidence. After getting my head smoking I felt something I haven't in a while: the feeling of achieving something. Making me finally realize not only how the algorithm was actually meant to work but it also made me again realize what learning is about.
Use your damn head.
Don't look away from the problem, solve it! Learning is about challenging yourself!
Sorry for stealing away so much of your time. Like i said, i just wanted to write this down. Maybe to burn this into my mind, to keep me on the right track from now on. But I also hope that i could deliver my message to someone that needed it as well.
Also it's late and i should have gone to sleep long time ago. 😴😵
I just hope my grammar didn't suffer because I'd that1 -
FUCK YOU $CLIENT_NAME !
You tell me I've spent the last 6 months molesting and hacking your piece of garbage multistore prestashop?
Just for you to yet again, change the specifications, saying "I don't want a multistore anyway please split them up"
What an imbicile moron, you want me to duplicate the codebase/database 7 times? just to start "downgrading" each one individually? To make a few adjustments to each one.
What the fuck have you been smoking? I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you.4 -
Recently did a food intolerance IgG test and turns out I am dairy intolerant. Fcking dairy intolerance might have been the reason for all that fatigue and massive migraines which I had for the past few years. Cutting out all of it and hopefully that will improve my health in the next few weeks. Previously I tried lots of other shit (changing habits, leaving stressful work environment, fixing sleep patterns, cutting caffeine smoking alcohol you name it) and turned to this test as a last resort.6
-
I don't like when depending on something, e.g. smoking or coffee, but
still have to carry on dependencies in node_modules. -
A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, “Can’t you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!”
To which the man replies, “I am a programmer. We don’t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.”4 -
!dev, just a couple little things that happened to me recently.
First off, I just (like 20 minutes ago) replaced the save battery in my Pokemon Silver, so that's fun. Now I want to start modding my GBC (new shell, glass screen, all the fun stuff)
My friend is talking to me again, as of yesterday. The whole situation is still kinda touchy so I'm gonna be careful about talking to her for now, but after some time it should be all good.
I recently took up vaping (I know, it's bad and I shouldn't do it, but I'm an adult and that's my fucking decision).
Then yesterday, I gave a friend a ride home from school. He didn't have his house key so he was locked out and had to wait for his dad to get home. The neighborhood I live in, you don't really leave someone sitting outside for too long, cause shit might happen to them (drug deals are a regular thing across the street from my house, gunshots aren't too common, but still), so I stayed with him.
I'd never met his dad, and I didn't want his first impression to be me letting out a huge vape cloud, so if I was going to take a hit, I would check to make sure nobody was around. At one point, I checked, then took a huge hit. Then I heard my friend say "oh there's my dad". Cue me practically gluing my mouth shut, not breathing at all as I waved bye, turned my car on, pulled out of the driveway, and drove down the street some.
When I let the cloud out, it was a HUGE fucking cloud too. Much bigger than the ones I've normally had. Definitely would have been a bad introduction, especially considering that friend's family is not very fond of that type of stuff (smoking/vaping, drinking, etc) from what I know.1 -
End of working day - smoking hoohak with my team ☺
Who else has such an amazing company who offers u such things? 😎
1 -
So i heard from my friend that CTO had asked Android team to make the app be able to root the phone upon installation.
Dude wtf are you smoking?!2 -
I've just come to my hometown for my brother's wedding. I didn't even deboard the plane and I had 10 messages from my manager to fix an issue.
Now here I am in the fucking smoking zone of the airport pushing code to gitlab at 12 in the night..!
FML1 -
was jobless for some time but in those days I was seeing this smoking-hot mulata friend of a cousin. After several visits and "movie days" I asked her out for dinner which, to my surprise because I'm a nobody, she accepted.
we went out and eat some tacos in her favorite soda around the corner. And we went out a second time IIRC.
needless to say, the money that paid that modest dinner with such amazona was earned working as a freelancer in PeoplePerHour doing junior-level stuff in Python, I learned the language during my four last years in high school.
ah, how I miss that girl 🤷♂️.4 -
Are there any fellow devranters who have shitty working memory and have trouble focusing? Basically people who have ADHD/ADD? I got into programming because I love solving problems and am able to hyperfocus for weeks on projects, but outside of work life seems to be a mess :/ Can't even remember simple facts if they don't interest me (don't have that much dopamine).
Could you share some advices on how you managed to treat ADHD/ADD or basically improve your memory?
I mean there is the obvious: sleep, exercise, good nutrition (cutting out dairy, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, smoking).
But maybe there are other ways to do this without using drugs such as ritalin/concerta?16 -
Fuck you apache server...
Why did your dumb ass developers decide it was a good idea to not support "expect 100 continue headers". I seriously suspect that the devs were high smoking dragon dildo ashes like they were getting ready to get a whole chair shoved up their asses.
I wasted alot of time thinking i was getting a 417 http code because i fucked up my API implementation... No, it was the dumb apache server that decided to give me the finger.
Also, whoever built the HttpClient for .net framework 4... Fuck you too for automatically adding that dumb header to PUT requests and not properly documenting this or allowing for it to be disabled in a non hacky way.
I appreciate and enjoy solving coding problems... I, however, can't stand dumb decisions like the two above. -
When anxiety breaks you but you have paper drafts due and you haven't even done the implementation and tests yet. I'd say kill me but I've been looking fab these days. Plus I've been smoking like a chimney so I guess I'll just die on my own. Lol.
On the other hand, fuck tensorflow. I can't slice a tensor object via an index, apparently! (tried two dozen tutorials and tricks so far)27 -
Had a tech interview earlier today.
👨💻: What mocking framework do you use the most?
🧔: Smoking framework???
👨💻: ...
I guess either he needs to improve his skills or I have to polish my English 😂6 -
Day 9 of non smoking (attempt no. 16). How do people cope without smoking? its so difficult. After phone call with client... go for a smoke. Get off plane/train go immediately to smoke. Done some good code/solved something, go for celebratory smoke. Have a rehearsal with my band... go for a smoke. Go to the pub...go for a smoke. It’s woven in to the fabric of my existence and unpicking it is a long and painful task. I don’t do the e-cig thing. I don’t want to swap addictions.22
-
Shout out to the storm that left me with a spotty internet connection since the weekend... Fuck this...
Also shout out to my ISP who can still get this fixed within the week despite the weather conditions in this whole country...
And now, even public transit is down and I can't ride to work with my damn bike because of the fucking weather... Some construction job that fucked things up... Well, shout out to that guy too for smoking Crack or whatever on the job. 😠
Fuck, if this day gets any worse I will probably end up in the hospital, jail or the morgue.2 -
!rant
I went out tonight. Before I knew it, all the songs being played were far beyond my youth, and I'm now sitting outside smoking cigarettes. Is this normal adulthood?2 -
I'm working on a bug I can't figure out. I go out for a smoke to clear my mind. Some time passes, I get an idea, finish smoking and I wanna go back up to my desk ASAP.
I have to go up to floor 14. Building has a basic elevator with 2 buttons:
UP arrow - "I wanna go up"
DOWN arrow - "I wanna go down"
User-friendly, intuitive, idiot-proof, you might think. NOPE.
Elevator stops at floor 1 because moron who wants to go down pressed all 2 of the over-intuitive buttons.
Floor 1 moron: "Going up?"
Other people: "Yes"
Floor 1 moron: "Oh"
Me (in my mind): "Oh? BITCH, there's an idicator telling you where it's going. Don't fucking press UP if you're not going up."
Moving on.
Elevator stops at floor 3.
Frustration sets in.
Floor 3 brainlet steps in, doors close.
Floor 3 brainlet takes eyes off phone screen and realises we're going up.
Floor 3 brainlet makes an "oops" kinda noise because "it" obviously wanted to go down.
Floor 3 brainlet stops elevator at floor 5 because "it" doesn't want to go all the way up to floor 14.
Rage sets in.
Me (in my mind): "I hope I get lung cancer so I don't have to deal with this shit anymore"
Moving on.
No more incidents, I calm down. I get to my desk and begin brainstorming about elevator coding. My preferred idea so far:
Elevator is called at floor X but nobody steps in? Elevator doesn't stop at that floor for 2 hours. elevators.size() strikes and the entire floor uses stairs, BITCH.
I spend 1 hour reading rants and writing this. Now I have to get back to my bug. I would appreciate other punishment ideas for elevator misuse.5 -
After 24 hours waiting for Xcode 9 to finish download, I run it on an existing project and got greeted with this:
Indexing Text
For fucknsake you piece of shit! Because indexing project isn't enough now Xcode index text! What the fuck are Apple employees smoking 😔4 -
The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."3 -
Today in office one lady came to me and asked "how to reboot iPhone when it stuck?"
I'm android guy and using iPhone only for Dev purposes. So I never encountered such issues and was a bit confused.
Then I were smoking on the roof with coworker and asked:
- When last time you seen unresponsive android device?
- Hmm... I dunno
- And what about iPhone?
- Yeah, my wife's iPhone 7+ and daughter's iPhone 6 stuck regularly.
We laughed, but wtf?
Then I've tried to remember when Linux or Mac were stuck. Nothing.
Don't start holy war, please. Just noticed that.13 -
Go out for smoke to think about my task..
While smoking, open dev rant and start posting 😁😁
Fuck the task !!!1 -
I strongly believe I am addicted to coding. Why do I think so?
It is because I was || still || hope I'm not addicted to nicotine. I know the urge that smoking creates, and when I do not code for several hours, that urge wakes up.
I'm !talking some ignore easily type urge. I'm talking code like gravity depends on it. Do not want to be fixed though :D7 -
when my friends call me and say let's stay in touch on facebook, me i'll be like: emm uhh sorry i quit smoking.1
-
This 3 day weekend couldn’t come at a better time! Today has done everything it can to delay it and everything has been a superb annoyance!
It started off with our internal systems going down, a frustratingly tedious project proposal process, our phones went down, off the wall calls to support all day causing them to ask me junk.
As a parting gift the pending windows update and it completely crashed my development VM and corrupted my install of virtual box. I had planed in only working a half day, but worked 6.5 hours, hit traffic al over. Was late to the event.
Not I get here and there’s a bunch of smokers outside and I could reallllllly use a drag. But I’m not gonna. 😒
Just ready to kick back and do non computer things til Tuesday. 😎 -
So..there is 2 of us working on a Wordpress site, my job is front-end and make it look nice, the other persons job is to do some backend development(dont ask me what and why, I have no idea). Basically, I was waiting for the other person to finish his part so I can do front end development. I was expecting it to be just a theme, and then I fix it, add new stuff, etc etc, like usually..but the horror I saw, THE FUCKING "BACKEND" PERSON HAS ACTUALLY MADE A FUCKING THEME EVEN THOUGH IT IS MY FUCKING JOB. Now dont get me wrong, I wouldnt mind if I did almost zero work and got paid, but..THE FUCKING THEME WAS UGLY AS A TWO HEADED DICK SMOKING A FUCKING CIGARETTE. There was STRONG RED FUCKING EVERYWHERE, padding between posts was basically -20px. Well ok, I could have just started making a new theme, but there was already some stuff in this one we needed so I went it it and tried to make it look nice. And trust me, it is great now, great colors, fonts, shadows, button animations, everything, even looks great on mobile.
I started making some changes to the header, and I noticed that post title changes also..hmm wonder why..So I inspect element and what do I see, TAG OF THE FUCKING POST TITLE IS <HEADER>???? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, IF YOU TRIED TO DO SOME FRONT END, AND YOU SAY YOU KNOW SOME, WHY DO FUCKING FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT???????? WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO MY JOB IF YOU SUCK AT IT??? DONT DO MY FUCKING JOB, I SUCK AT "BACKEND" AND I DONT FUCKING DEAL WITH DATABASES OR TRY TO MAKE THEM FOR YOU!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARHHHHHHHH FUCK -
class smoking{
public static void main ( String []args){
int a = 2;
String c = "cigarettes";
if (a==2)
System.out.print ("go smoke "+ c);
else if (a <2)
System.out.println ("go buy some");
else
System.out.println ("error");
}
}14 -
This hack is totally shameless. I quit smoking a couple years ago just to start vaping. And I always was allowed to vape at my office desk.
No stressballs Jedi this needs. -
My laptops ram gave up one me on Monday, will take me 2 weeks at least to get back from warranty service !
I started smoking because of this...
FUCKING WHY ?6 -
My first exposure to computers?
My father had bought this new machine (windows 98 "new" of course) and we put it in a very moist place (some kind of halfway balcony) in our old flat.
...which was pretty stupid.
One day it made a loud nois, started smoking and stopped responding.
I loved the animated paperclip though! -
So I had an interesting problem... Let's say I have X lights which will turn on or off after I pull a lever. I know the probability of each one of them turning on, but they are all different. I want to know what is the probability of at least half of them being on after I pull the lever.
I wrote this shit show to do it: https://jsbin.com/jizocohebo/edit/...
Can you do better?8 -
Ocean's Trilogy, Snatch, Lock Stock & Two Smoking Barrels, Godfather Series
Motivation back to normal!2 -
!rant A guy is standing on the corner of the street! smoking one cigarette after another. A lady walking by notices him and says
"Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"
"That's OK" says the guy, puffing casually "I'm a computer programmer"
"So? What's that got to do with anything?"
"We don't care about warnings. We only care about errors." -
It has to be on my T430,VIM, with good music after smoking a Spliff, sitting in a nice leather couch.1
-
During my education there was this "Exception('Smoking hot girl')", and also very kind/sweet I used to help a lot, and tutor best practices on whatever project she would throw herself into.
(It should be noted that half of our teachers where incompetent, or flat out wrong, so we kinda had to use more than usual time helping other people)
But being a shy guy, and having the spine of a worm, I got stuck as a 'personal teacher' for a good period of time. Never had the guts to ask her out.
Not sure if it's selfish to focus your attention on one person because you liked the girl, that's a lot of time I could've used to help others. Or if I should be proud of what I did, I do believe she'd dropped out otherwise....
But nonetheless I did enjoy the time.1 -
I don't know what the devs at ProShow are smoking but I want some. Their product, specifically ProShow Production, is garbo. Don't get me wrong, the stuff is great for making slideshow with effects and stuff but good GOD.
+ If your image's name or the full path to the image contains anything that is not (I think) ASCII, the program will refuse to work with it.
+ If you're using non-English characters for eg. caption ("ẫ" for example) even on a Unicode font that supports that char, it will render a box. You know which box it is. You have to specifically use a font family to have it rendered correctly at the exchange of ugly-ass fonts that has been overused.
+ A majority of keyboard shortcuts are not supported while editing a slide (Ctrl + A, Ctrl + Z being my two favorite).
The best part? I'm forced to use this thing because of time constraints. I'd rather fry my puny 4GB RAM stick and crappy Intel HD Graphics 550 working with Premiere/After Effects than using ProShow. But nooope. ProShow. Fuck you. -
Every time somone who i have nearly forgott about calls me. I know im gonne get a stupid IT or Tech question...
- Why is my internet slow?
- Can you make a better {xyz}.... for free?
- How can i make my computer faster
- Why does office/spotify/chrome crash?
- Can you teache me programming so i can get rich?
FUCK THEM!
Really, i've got more relevant stuff to do. If you wouldnt have killed all your braincells with smoking and drinking and did something with your life you wouldnt have to ask such stupid questions in the first place. And thanks for never contacting me in the past X years! -
I’ve been ill and injured a lot over the last 8 months or so, and i also quit smoking 2 months ago so I’ve put on a bit of extra padding.
I need to loose weight as I’m getting married in August and I want my suit to fit.
Anyway I’ve started eating a little bit healthier, and I’m gradually getting back into exercise (taking it slowly as don’t want to re-injur myself, and need to get my body used to it again)
This has presented 2 problems, the first is that after a run I smell like a tramps ball bag, and the second is I’m impatient and can’t do the sort of training that I used to do.
But, onwards and upwards, and even with no exercise I can still run 2 miles non stop in less than 20 minutes, not going to win any awards but not too bad all things considered.1 -
So I was smoking next to my Mac, not only it broke the Warranty, but hey... Now I have Mac OS High Sierra
-
!rant
Microsoft's font making headlines these days
The Calibri font could be an unlikely smoking gun in a corruption scandal which has mired Pakistan's ruling family https://t.co/BnONnwMas01 -
From the career point of view, I've seen many programmers, more or less, in the long run, specialize in the industry|ies they've been working, so the business practices, ins and outs and logics became part of their strong point in that|those industry|ies.
But I found myself on the opposite side, I could care less about the business's practices, etc. because in the end I'm mostly passionate about reaching some technical satisfying accomplishment or a novel approach to solve some kind of problem or just learn new approaches.
So when I'm handed info mostly focused on business practices|logics I just boringly read through it.
How about you?
Obviously business problems and technical feasibility to solve them overlap. But wouldn't be better to have people capable to express their issues more from technical points of view than talking nonsense to someone who's clueless about the business <.<?2 -
A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another. A lady walking by notices him and says
"Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"
"That's OK" says the guy, puffing casually "I'm a computer programmer"
"So? What's that got to do with anything?"
"We don't care about warnings. We only care about errors." -
I absolutely hate release days..
Yes I am happy that it will never be a friday in my company but you can tell everyone at office that the page will be down for like half an hour and this a month before actually doing it and they still call you 20 times in that half hour while everyone at the IT department already knows about those important issues and we are already yelling at each other
at those days its really hard to stay strong and not start again smoking.. -
I don't smoke, but after this work shit I feel like buying some cigarettes. Or a cheap cigar... Just that tobacco twitch...4
-
one night I posted " function smoking() * at my office conversation group and everyone stated asking what's that?
And I replied ahh nothing I'm just high, ignore it.
I was dreaming1 -
So tomorrow i have my last January exam. Starts at 10AM. Kinda looking forward to getting it over and done with. After that i'm going to work on quit smoking. No more smoking and coding all night 😂 i guess i will always have monster to keep me going through the hours of coding i have until May6
-
JPA my friend ... JPA why are you like this? JPA why do hate me so much? JPA, let's have a word ...
How come you are so far away from real-world problems, so cumbersome to use, so ugly (criteria API), so wrong and inconsistent?
Oh, what it's all your parents fault? Oh come, on that can't be, right? Did you have a bad childhood?
Your parent's were fucking crack-smoking maniacs which didn't know a single bit about actual databases?
They design you as an API without actually trying you out in the wild? And then they patched up together with some essential DB stuff, like friggin indexes? Not even tried to make this API consistent nor really functional?
Oh poor, you little JPA ... -
Swizzling is like smoking weed; you're not supposed to do it, but a hell of a lot of people do it anyways.1
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