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Sales employee Bob wants a clickable blue button.
Bob tells product owner Karen about his unstoppable desire for clickable blue buttons.
Karen assigns points for potential and impact (how much does a blue button improve Bob's life, how many people like Bob desire blue buttons)
Karen asks the button team how hard it is to build a button. The button team compares the request to a reference button they've built before, and gives an ease score, with higher score being easier (inverse of scrum points).
These three scores are combined to give a priority score. The global buttonbacklog is sorted by priority.
Once every two weeks (a "sprint") the button team convenes, uses the ease scores to assign scrum points. Difficult tasks are broken up into smaller tasks, because there is a scrum point upper limit. They use the average of the last 5 sprints to calculate each developer's "velocity".
The sprint is filled with tasks, from the top of the global button backlog, up to the team's capacity as determined by velocity. Approximate due dates are assigned, Bob is a happy Bob.
What if boss Peter runs into the office screaming "OUR IMPORTANT CLIENT WANTS A FUCKING PINK BUTTON WHICH MAKES HEARTS APPEAR"?
Devs tell boss to shut the fuck up and talk to Karen. Karen has a carefully curated list of button building tasks sorted by priority, can sedate boss with valium so he calms the fuck down until he can make a case for the impact and potential of his pink button.
Karen might agree that Peter's pink button gets a higher priority than Bob's blue button.
But devs are nocturnal creatures, easily disturbed when approached by humans, their natural rhythms thrown out of balance.
So the sprint is "locked", and Peter's pink button appears at the top of the global backlog, from where it flows into the next sprint.
On rare occasions a sprint is broken open, for example when Karen realizes that all of the end users will commit suicide if they don't have a pink heart-spawning button.
In such an event, Peter must make Bob happy (because Bob is crying that his blue button is delayed). And Peter must make the button team of devs happy.
This usually leads to a ritual involving chocolate or even hardware gift certificates to restore balance to the dev ecosystem.23 -
*Romantic candlelit dinner*
GF: "What are you thinking about, my love?"
Me: "The chocolate custard always seems to behave differently under stress than vanilla. It has a lower base viscosity, but a similar shear thickening. I was wondering whether anyone has ever made a database of all custard brands and flavors together with their viscosities"
My brain: *Oh fuck, that's not what I'm supposed to say during a romantic dinner*
GF: "Do you wanna check whether we can find a cheap second hand viscometer.... wait.... no.... you'd need a rheometer for that, right? Do you think we could build one ourselves?"
Me: *blinks in awe*
Even after 15 years, I'm still just puzzled, she really fucking is my soulmate22 -
Be more passive
I always get involved in everything, at every company. Not to further my career through ass-kissing and overperforming.
I regularly piss off people. When C-level has a discussion about strategy, I'm usually ahead of them, ask too many questions, criticize every detail they've missed, cause frustration by making them look incompetent.
Can't help it, when I see retards destroy a great product I have to intervene.
Some people appreciate it. I often defend both devs and end users, when others don't dare speak up.
But fuck it, I'm getting older. I'm gonna coast a bit more. Sit back, relax.
If a product manager doesn't prepare enough tasks — that's cool, I still have a Factorio savegame to work on.
If another team designs an incredibly stupid feature — they'll discover the issues eventually by themselves. Maybe I'll warn once, just to be nice.
*Pours another chocolate milk*
Also gonna spend at least 4h/d with my daughter. She's a better human than most of my coworkers, and the work we do using her Legos is honestly more important for humanity than the Jira backlog.20 -
!rant
Office invested in a new coffee machine. With actual coffee beans.
It also makes hot chocolate.7 -
Friends Pandemic December proposal: "We should all get on Zoom every weekend, play Christmas trivia games and do shots"
Family ideal Pandemic December: "Lets send each other Secret Santa presents throughout the whole month, and get on Zoom and unpack them"
Me: Chilled out on a reclining seat next to a freshly slaughtered green fir tree, burning hearth fire, warm wool sweater, faux fur slippers, big mug of liquored up hot chocolate, keyboard on my lap, writing a Rust library on big screen TV.
Sorry friends & family, y'all are doing holidays wrong.
Happy holidays.
-- signed, Grandpa Bittersweet.12 -
What is the most ridiculous over-the-top "startup" thing you've been the victim of as a developer?
Alternatively, what kind of weird startup luxury would you absolutely love to have at your company?
For me, at various companies I've worked at/visited:
1. Hammocks & fatboy beanbags. Current employer has a "Netflix & Chill" corner with nice couches, and a small gym. I have encountered isolation/flotation tanks at the office of one of our partners... which is cool, but over the top in my opinion.
2. A fully automated aquaponics garden in the lunchroom. Was awesome, until some fish died and started to rot.
3. One hoverboard per employee, at previous employer. I splashed hot chocolate milk in an arc over three desks. A coworker broke his ankle while watching me spill chocolate milk.
4. Daily scrum standup meetings, on socks, in a big bouncy castle. Not kidding. Fucking ridiculous... (but secretly fun). That employer also had spiral slides between all floors, a tiny half-pipe with tiny skateboards, and someone who rode a unicycle way too much. It was a fucking circus. Stuck in the office of a Fintech company.
5. Soldering bench (at my current company), with drawers full of breadboards, servos and electronics components. Completely unrelated to my work, but it was my idea. It's just great to build a simple kits together with another random coworker while brainstorming platform features & refining specs... much better than meetings with bullshit slides.
6. Unlimited energy drink. Developed a serious caffeine habit (15-20 cans a day), and almost got a stomach ulcer. Not beneficial to employee health.
7. I really do love working from home + unlimited holidays. Just being able to honestly say "fuck you guys, I'm gonna get drunk and play games today", and at other times working until 4am and sleeping in the next day, or taking a week to work in a park in Rome... It makes work truly feel like my favorite hobby. Combined with a good sprints and curious/ambitious people, you can easily track productivity anyway.19 -
I'm currently on my way to Japan on vacation.
This is how it went so far:
😁 - Arriving at airport early and excited
🤔 - Find out our flight is delayed. Oh well it might now be by a lot
😥 - Find out that it's 2 hours delayed and we will miss our next flight
😤 - Arrive at Frankfurt airport, and stands in line for 2 hours to the service desk
😡 - Arrive at service desk to get told that we have to go to a special service desk to get rebooked
🤬 - Get a ticket with our number in the queue. 125 people in front of us.
😴 - 4 and a half hour later, get get informed we will need to stay at a hotel for the night, and that we'll be flying at 6 pm the next day
😑 - Get to hotel and crashes (this is by 1 am now)
🤬 - Wakes up 6 hours later because we have a room right next to a construction site
Pro tips for Lufthansa and the imbeciles in their management and staff:
1. Inform people. You fucking knew the flight was this delayed, and you could actually have given people a choice at the beginning of their travel.
Now you had to put 100+ people in a hotel.
2. Bring food to people. Spending so much time in an airport leaves people very hungry. (Pssst, chocolate, candy and French potatoes are NOT food)
All in all, just fuck Lufthansa and their handling of this situation.
Fucking great start to the vacation. I'm already more exhausted than if I just went to work...10 -
Every programming language I know of does trigonometry in radians.
Yet I have been puzzled for 4 hours whether JS was broken because it kept saying Math.sin(30) != Math.sin(150), trying all kinds of values, looking up basic trigonometry stuff again and again.
After that, 10 minutes of wondering why my json was invalid... right, you can't comment things out.
Then 15 minutes being baffled by a simple script tag not working, because I wrote script href instead of script src.
Finally, I threw a liter of chocolate milk over a $400 keyboard.
I really need to stop setting up new projects at 3am.7 -
Yesterday, the whole dev team went out to lunch and we ate a lot and we drank a lot until we all got drunk! Since we are paid for the number of hours we work, we all decided to go back to the office and work.
WE WERE DRUNK WORKING! Drunk coding ftw
Result: The server is down right now because someone fucked it up and I think i ruined my code yesterday because I wasn't really myself. The whole team was crazy as fuck. One of us just came back from Poland so we were drunk and high from all the polish chocolate we ate.
I hope they fix the server so I can check what kind of bullshit the drunken me did yesterday o.O8 -
Ok, so I don't work yet and so I've never had to deal with any clients but based on the rants i have read this is how stupid I imagine most of them are.
Dev: Hey, would you like a chocolate bar?
Client: Yeah, sure.
Dev: here:
*hands chocolate bar over*
*client holds it in his hands, opens it and eats it*
Client: Tastes great
Dev: Ok, nice. So about the payment of the project...
*Clients face is swollen and he falls to the ground*
Dev: uhh, what are you doing?
Client *coughing*: Were.. were there nuts in the chocolate bar?
Dev: uhmm, yes. didn't you look at it?
Client: why didn't you tell me??!?!?!? I am allergic to nuts!!
Dev: uhh, I didn't know that. But srsly, did you not look at the wrapping of the fucking chocolate bar??!
Client: I am going to sue you!! You will go to prison!
Dev: Fuck off *leaves the room*
Image of the chocolate bar:
5 -
Today I get off at 1pm. Because of weather conditions. I swear i love this job.
Gonna pick my baby girl from the daycare at a good time. Head home, get us some hot chocolate and learn more about Smalltalk while mom gets home.
Today is gon b a good day.
Awwww yii4 -
My grandmother asked me to help her find an article about a recipe for a chocolate cake. The recipe she wanted was the first result on Google, so I sent her a LMGTFY link (let me Google that for you, a website that writes by itself the word or the sentence). Later on the same day, she said that her laptop was possessed by a ghost.3
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cw: I need a server to put my node backend
me: sure, I'll run a docker container for you
cw: nice, I've never worked with docker but I learn quickly, I'm already reading the Docker file docs
me: no wait, you don't need to learn anything, you'll be inside the container, so you only need an ssh connection and that's it
cw: this Dockerfile stuff is really complicated, it'll take me a while, but it's ok you don't have to worry, I like learning new things
me: you won't need that, just imagine it's a cloud server with Ubuntu installed, you only have to use it, I'll put node, git and ssh there for you
cw: ok got it, I'll have to learn the commands to run the docker, I'm on windows but I can use PowerShell and stuff I'll figure it out
me: ...
cw: ssh is a linux command right? does it have a push or publish option? how do you upload files there
me: ...you can use a ftp client but you'll need ssh to run the node server
cw: ok, I'm almost done with the Dockerfile, I only need to add git and nodejs, I'm starting to understand this thing...
me thinking: yeah keep doing that, you're such a crack, such a quick learner...
This son of a bitch is either a retard or is doing it on purpose and laughing at me the whole time, making my life so miserable, but I'm about to go insane with this dude, I'm proud of how I've been able to control myself, BUT ONE OF THESE DAYS I'LL LOSE MY COOL AND FORCE THIS MOTHERFUCKER TO DRINK A BIG POT OF BOILING, SALTY AND STINKING VOMIT WITH A SIDE OF STEAMING DIARRHEAL GREEN DOG SHIT WITH WHITE CHOCOLATE CHIPS WHILE I PUT MY OLD CRT MONITOR TO GOOD USE BY BEATING HIS FUCKING HEAD WITH IT!!!3 -
1. Slack. Pretty good chat app for dev companies, I use it to prevent people standing next to my desk 40 times a day.
2. Unit testing tools, especially when fully automated using a git master branch hook, something like codeship/jenkins, and a deployment service.
3. Jetbrains IDEs. I love Vim, but Jetbrains makes theming, autocompleting & code style checks with mixed templating languages a breeze.
4. Urxvt terminal. It's a bit of work at the start, but so extremely fast and customizable.
5. Cinnamon or i3. Not really dev tools, but both make it easy to organize many windows.
6. A smart production bug logger. I tend to use Bugsnag, Rollbar or Sentry.
7. A good coffee machine. Preferably some high pressure espresso maker which costs more than the CEO's car, using organic fairtrade hipster beans with a picture of a laughing south american farmer. And don't you dare fuck it up with sugar.
8. Some high quality bars of chocolate. Not to consume yourself, but to offer to coworkers while they wait for you to fix a broken deploy. The importance of office politics is not to be underestimated.1 -
TM: Hey, do you have a moment?
Me: not really, I'm already overtime and have enough work for the whole year.
TM: Yeah, we know. Just a quick meeting to discuss something awkward.
Me: Hmkay.
...
Later that day:
TM: Yeah. To make it quick - we're confused and bit dissatisfied with how project X turned out. The staging server is blazing fast, but the devs machines seem to be extremely slow... Some devs complained.
Me: No wonder. I said from the beginning that the devs shouldn't do X and Y, and that the dev machines need to be redone after staging is done - as we need to gather hands on experience first, cause no one could explain to me what resources the project actually needed.
TM: Oh. I wasn't aware of that.
Me: I guessed so. You were on vacation at the beginning and I didn't had the time to lead another team...
TM: Yeah... So the dev machines get replaced?
Me: They _could_ be replaced, but the devs would need to reset up their environment, as I and won't transfer the environment of the dev user.
TM: Ah... So they would have to retransfer their personal modifications, if they made any?
Me: Yes. As always, the basic setup just provides the necessary services, settings etc. - stuff like remote IDE settings on the machine, configuration etc is left out and we don't transfer it as it is usually too much of a hassle and risky, as every dev does have his / her own preferences, and we don't want to support every possible configuration out there.
TM: Just out of curiosity... Staging was ready like... Last year?
Me: Beginning of December, yes.
TM: Sigh.
Me: The jolly of having a kinder garten full of toys that no kid wants to clean up...
TM: No comment. The kinder garten Kids might make me a Pinata otherwise.
Me: If only they'd fill us with chocolate first instead of just beating us.
...
Tales of lazy devs, to be continued...3 -
Least favorite "enterprise" application?
SharePoint
It sucks the shit rope from the chocolate starfish.5 -
that moment as a sys admin when everything is in peace and you have nothing to do.
I usually go outside and get me a nice cup of coffee at a local cafe
today its a Latte Machiato with white chocolate
4 -
1. Ability to freeze time... (except for internet & computer speed). Too many ideas, not enough hours in a day. Sleep should be declared optional as well.
2. Ability to not eat/drink at all, or eat/drink in copious quantities without negative effects. I enjoy a cognac, pizza & chocolate binge more than nausea, upwards BMI creep and hangovers.
3. True Virtual Reality. None of this headset crap, but immersiveness rivaling reality itself, with voice-controlled AI-assisted interfaces to "program" anything by simply describing it, iterating over details to add increasing complexities. Not even for porn reasons... my head just overflows with creative ideas for "holonovels" and interactive worldbuilding, but I don't have the patience nor artistic skills for game development.3 -
The manager and selfperceived omnipotent cult leader was the worst kind of businessman. Slimey and trecherous, zero sense of ethics, but felt holier than the pope because he "helped" his weakling herd of piteous employees.
These employees were smart kids, most of them in their late teens. All of them legally disabled. There was this kid who gobbled up ritalin like candy, a boy who had received his measles shots and turned socially awkward (/s), a chubby girl who could name all the hex colors of her chocolate stained shirt... you know, what we call skilled developers in the industry.
Fiftyfive of them.
They were awesome, awkward highschool dropouts, like I had been a decade earlier. They worked 50h a week. They had great humor, were passionate, devoured information about new technologies, and they built custom websites from scratch in no time. I had to lead this flock, and felt honored to work with them.
Then things started to smell funny.
I discovered all 55 of their workstations ran pirated software, from Windows to Adobe CS. I'm not without sin in that regard, but as a company it's just plain stupid.
Clients were treated like shit. I mean, we all feel like punching a client in the face sometimes, but I'm taking about unjustified debt collections paired with death threats.
Then I found out these kids were often disappearing for a few months, only to return months later.
I started digging, and discovered they were all working reintegration internships (because they were on below minimum wage disability payments), at almost zero cost to my employer.
After 6 months, my boss gave them a negative recommendation, they were all too "sick" to function in normal jobs.
Then they were rotated to a shadow company, doing the same work for another 6 months, and so on to a third company.
He broke these kids, talked them down, made them feel worthless. He threatened the ones who understood what was happening.
I ended up bringing the company down, with the CEO and two government officials jailed for fraud and corruption.
Some employees were quite mad about it, at least at first — I was the shepherd who abandoned his sheep. Luckily, most found better paid positions in no time.
Truly one of the most fucked up and difficult situations I've been in.6 -
Fuck whoever invented caramel and chocolate and particularly whoever mixed them. How am I supposed to stop eating this? It so fucking delicious.12
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Yall know those small biscuits, with half of them covered in chocolate? I mean why half? Cover it all, or leave ot naked, but this way i cant be sure which is the chocolatey side to put on my tongue in the dark. Its a complete gamble.
...yeah im getting fat8 -
My best case "Deploy Bittersweet Pipeline":
Prep a bunch of carrots, cucumber and tomatoes for day snacks. Roll & cut some pasta noodles, cook stock with fresh veggies & mushrooms, add some droopy soft boiled egg(s) to the broth, drizzle in some black garlic hot sauce. Enjoy that breakfast with an unsweetened Australian flat white and a half-liter cup of chai spiced green tea. Watch some science/tech/woodworking/cooking YouTube videos while feeding my Bittersweet Jr girl.
(yeah my mood is determined for about 90% by food)
Fire up docker compose & IDEs, and start refactoring code and migrating/fixing old databases.
My worst case "Fatal Incident Bittersweet Repair & Recovery Process":
Stuck while refactoring the worst kind of trash code since 9am.
Pour a glass of Tawny Port at 9pm. Pour a glass of cognac at 11pm. Unwrap 3 chocolate bars and break them into chunks in a bowl. Look at IDE, get nauseated, not from the booze or chocolate, but from the code.
Can't fall asleep because code is too broken, that crap should simply not exist. Take some LSD and amphetamine, can't sleep anyway. Start splitting several 10k-line-long files into smaller classes, type until my fingers have blisters. Empty two bags of Doritos, order a large Falafel with extra garlic sauce at 4am.
Fall asleep at 5am with my face on my keyboard, wake up at 9am with keyboard pattern on my skin.
Cook some hangover noodles.
Call work that I'm taking 3 days off. Feed Bittersweet Jr while I watch some YouTube channels with her. Bittersweet has successfully rebooted.1 -
We were in a meeting today and it came my turn to talk.
me: "I am working on something not fun. I am tracking down a bug in X software that a customer has issues with."
boss: "It is like an easter egg hunt."
me: "Yes, but instead of eggs I am going to find a pile of crap."
boss: "Laughs..."
me: "Its not chocolate..."
boss: "next..."
The original code I am wading through is very likely my boss' code.3 -
A box with 20 blotters of LSD, a bottle of Tawny Port, some rock climber's hand strength training clay which is great against RSI, a very undomesticated purring feline, some leatherworking tools (making a new folding case for my phone), 2 sesame bagels with cream cheese, a piece of cherry wood, two routers (one woodworking, one internet), one Ducky Horizon and one ErgoDox keyboard, two boxes of baby wipes and a bottle of formula, an expired ticket to a corona-cancelled concert, my sleeping newborn daughter wrapped in a black hoodie, a bottle of cognac, 3x 1440p displays, a chunk of chocolate, one freshly brewed cortado, a bottle of dimethylsulfoxide, 3 laptops, a TV remote, a glass of water, and one bolt which was left over from an IKEA box but I'm unsure which furniture item it belongs to.4
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Purple, Ahh yes, the nice colour purple... dont you love looking at something and thinking, "Wow, thats some nice purple"
well, I fucking dont, fuck that piece of shit colour, I FUCKING HATE PURPLE, why?
BECAUSE IT DOESNT FUCKING EXIST! FUCK PURPLE, FUCK IT, ITS FUCKING BLUE! THERE IS NO FUCKING PURPLE!
WAKE THE FUCK UP PEOPLE! IT DOESNT FUCKING EXIST! THERE IS BLUE AND RED, BUT. THERE. IS. NO. FUCKING. PURPLE!
And dont get me started on brown, that nice brown chocolate, these coffee beans...
IF IT WOULDNT LOOK LIKE DARK-GREEN I WOULDNT FUCKING HATE IT! WHY DOES IT EVEN EXIST!
(if your wondering, yes. I have a red-green colour deficiency)32 -
Obligatory age++ post.
For a change I feel really appreciated after receiving a bottle of wine, a bottle of jack, $50 gift card, a deluxe chocolate cake and 12 muffins from my coworkers 😁
So they do care after all 😢5 -
Root experiments.
Spiced rum, kahlua, grand mariner, chocolate liquor, milk, ice. Tastes like house paint, and not in the good way like protein bars. Do not recommend. Better with more milk, but still meh.
Spiced rum, kahlua, triple sec, milk, ice. Tastes like orange milk with coffee. Pretty nice.
Spiced rum, ice. Tastes like a faint memory of heaven. Amazing grace, hallelujah.13 -
Deliberately disgusting chocolate. Looks like normal chocolate, but with all the sugar removed and possibly some additives to make it taste even worse. Designed so that you can give it to kids, and they'll never want to touch chocolate again.12
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Last week I sent a pic of Nestle Crunch chocolate to my friend in Whatsapp. Today he told me that he got an ad in Instagram for Nestle Crunch!! Holy crap!
We were trying to figure out how did it happen because we never discussed about the chocolate other than that image. Then I realized that Whatsapp and Instagram was owned by the same fucking company - Facebook!!!
I've stopped using Facebook, Instagram for a very long time and I have ad blockers on every electronic device I touch. So I never understood the gravity of people losing shit over privacy, until today. This indeed is creepy and it hit me real hard. I'm now reading all rants with "privacy" tags and methods to harden my devices to repel from those buggers.10 -
10 year anniversary 'celebration' for a couple of employees (one dev, one a DBA) and the VP of the department was saying kind words about them, talking about the 'good old days'.
VP to the DBA: "I apologize, when you started, you walked into my database architecture. I didn't know that much back then and never thought about the architecture much beyond a few years. Its amazing my design has lasted over 20 years and triple digit business growth..blah blah blah"
Inner voice: "Mother F-er!...My database was designed IN SPITE of your meddling and demanding to create 1,500 field tables. Shut the F up you egotistical bastard!"
I can't even count how many times I had to stop him from, for example, adding a 'ProductID' field to a Customer table.
Me: "Why did you add a product id field?"
VP: "How else will we know what product the customer wants to buy?"
Me: "You mean like a wish list? What if the customer wants more than one product?"
VP: "Oh, that’s easy, we'll create more fields when that happens. ProductID2. Microsoft made it really easy to add fields."
Me: "We already have a wish list table schema. Customer can have as many wish lists and as many products as they want."
VP: "I don't understand. All I want is a field for me to store the product I'm buying. I don't know why you make this so hard, its just one more field."
Now the VP is bragging all the success was due to his expertise?! Gaaaaahhhh!
I quelled my rage with ample quantities of donuts, juice, and chocolate milk.1 -
I try to take things slow for a few days. I also stop coding on my free time and play some game or watch some shows/movies. And sleep a lot more. Chocolate helps, too.
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I'm gonna cheat a little since i don't like alcohol 😁
School projet, designer sends me final design less than 24 hours before the deadline, i coded all night long. 17 hot chocolate bowl. I never got the luck to be in the same flow than that night. Each hot chocolate made me stronger, lines of code were running, CSS was perfectly good first try.
Once code was submitted, i slept for like 14 hours. I woke up hugging my pillow.
I'm pretty sure i was drunk with hot chocolate.1 -
I'm going on vacation next week, and all I need to do before then is finish up my three tickets. Two of them are done save a code review comment that amounts to combining two migrations -- 30 seconds of work. The other amounts to some research, then including some new images and passing it off to QA.
I finish the migrations, and run the fast migration script -- should take 10 minutes. I come back half an hour later, and it's sitting there, frozen. Whatever; I'll kill it and start it again. Failure: database doesn't exist. whatever, `mysql` `create database misery;` rerun. Frozen. FINE. I'll do the proper, longer script. Recreate the db, run the script.... STILL GODDAMN FREEZING.
WHATEVER.
Research time.
I switch branches, follow the code, and look for any reference to the images, asset directory, anything. There are none. I analyze the data we're sending to the third party (Apple); no references there either, yet they appear on-device. I scour the code for references for hours; none except for one ref in google-specific code. I grep every file in the entire codebase for any reference (another half hour) and find only that one ref. I give up. It works, somehow, and the how doesn't matter. I can just replace the images and all should be well. If it isn't, it will be super obvious during QA.
So... I'll just bug product for the new images, add them, and push. No need to run specs if all that's changed is some assets. I ask the lead product goon, and .... Slack shits the bed. The outage lasts for two hours and change.
Meanwhile, I'm still trying to run db migrations. shit keeps hanging.
Slack eventually comes back, and ... Mr. Product is long gone. fine, it's late, and I can't blame him for leaving for the night. I'll just do it tomorrow.
I make a drink. and another.
hard horchata is amazing. Sheelin white chocolate is amazing. Rum and Kahlua and milk is kind of amazing too. I'm on an alcoholic milk kick; sue me.
I randomly decide to switch branches and start the migration script again, because why not? I'm not doing anything else anyway. and while I'm at it, I randomly Slack again.
Hey, Product dude messaged me. He's totally confused as to what i want, and says "All I created was {exact thing i fucking asked for}". sfjaskfj. He asks for the current images so he can "noodle" on it and ofc realize that they're the same fucking things, and that all he needs to provide is the new "hero" banner. Just like I asked him for. whatever. I comply and send him the archive. he's offline for the night, and won't have the images "compiled" until tomorrow anyway. Back to drinking.
But before then, what about that migration I started? I check on it. it's fucking frozen. Because of course it fucking is.
I HAD FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FUCKING WORK TODAY, AND I WOULD BE DONE FOR NEARLY THREE FUCKING WEEKS.
UGH!6 -
Hmm getting in the zone huh?
Well a good poop
Mug of hot coffee
2 chocolate biscuits
Big glass of water on standby
Headphones , spotify and my metal mix1 -
Jesus Christ on a crutch!
You don't fucking use try and excepts everywhere in place of actual logic! For once in your Goddamn miserable life, I need you to actually think through what you're doing instead of mindlessly typing code away at your computer, you fucking King Shit of Turd Mountain!
DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY EVERYTHING KEEPS BREAKING!?
BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING REFERENCING VARIABLES BEFORE THEY'RE ASSIGNED, AND THEN WRAPPING IT UP IN A TRY AND EXCEPT! YOU DON'T FUCKING DO THAT! Think through what you're doing!!!!
The shit you're pulling off here is as useful as a chocolate teapot!1 -
If your cookie preference setting doesn't include triple chocolate then it's not much of a cookie preference setting3
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In sweden, probably in many countries, we have this chocolate calendar where u get one piece of chocolate every day til Christmas. This is usually for kids but we "younger ones" got one from a colleague as fun gift. After about half through December when I came back on Monday i realized that someone had emptied my chocolate box and had thrown it in the trash. I was devastated. So I wrote an angry email, ending with "Merry fucking shit christmas", to the whole office in order to make the guilty one feel more guilty.
As it turned out, another colleague had found an exact same box, emptied that one and replaced mine. He came crawling 2min after I sent the mail😂3 -
So today is my 17th birthday. One of my friends got me some chocolate and a bunch of little kids stuff to embarrass me.
One of the things he got me was a rubber duck.
He doesnt know how much I actually wanted one xD5 -
I'm so fed up of this shitty ultra-ortodox industry
I've worked on many different projects, been in many different teams. It's an ever changing industry, but, surprisingly, it's so orthodox. Dev industry nowadays have some rules, that everybody adopts them as "best practices". You have to work on pull requests, and several of your teammates have to review your shit (as if they have nothing better to do).
I'm sick of people using fucking DTOs in shitty frameworks like Laravel. Using DTOs in Laravel is like putting mustard in a fucking chocolate cake.
I'm so fed up of SPAs and node.js. I've yet so see a single SPA that handles jwt tokens correctly. I'm tired of spending hours and hours, days and days, struggling with thousandls of layers of abstractions instead of being productive and getting the shit done.
Because end customers don't give a shit about your "best practices": They have a problem and you are getting paid for it to be solved, not for spending hours and hours struggling with stupid Javascript and its crazy async nature and their crappy libraries.
Damnit. I say. Now. I now feel better. Thanks for listening :)14 -
Was having a Good day , My code was compiling, Android Studio did find the fucking 'R' In his goddamn libraries and eventually got my strong coffee by my desk.
Suddenly i'm hit up with one of Noob friends saying that he installed Windows on His MacBook Air...
My ears and eyes starting bleeding and all that came in my mind was why the heck did you do this, why the heck did you coat your Chocolate truffle with the fucking Mud. Why didn't you just hammered the keyboard and the screen before doing . I had to sleep after this and all that i saw in my dreams was fucking apples and windows.
Please for God's sake don't do this , wouldn't be a sin more deep than this one
4 -
Tried getting enough sleep for the Monday and failed miserably.
First, I made my kids washed, like usual, around 6pm. Then tried to put them to sleep. The younger one went to sleep, the older refused. Wanted to play, run, jump, sing and scream. After an half an hour his screaming woke up younger. Now I had two kids to put to sleep back again.
The younger is one year old and requires more attention, otherwise cries.
After serious fight the older was forced to sleep. He tried to jump over me, bite me, kick, hit, eat chocolate, wanted to pee, then jump, run and fight again. I ended up lying him forcibly in the bed, holding his hand by kind of a block, so that he couldn't move to much. Took 15 minutes, but he felt asleep. It was 22. Joys of having 3yo kid.
After more 30 minutes and a bottle of milk the 1yo was sleeping.
At 2am the older woke and cried. I woke, tried to make him calm, he pushed me away and went back to sleep. Now it's 3:40, my sleeping pill wore off, and I won't take another one, because I need to get up at six.
This is how you get a good night's sleep before having a busy week.11 -
Even if you are denied after all your job interviews, don't be sad.
1. you looked promising enough to call you to the interview in the first place
2. you need to work on some gaps in your knowledge/xp. Oh, you didn't know that? Well, now you do! Not even that - you also know what the gaps are!
3. you hear of new technologies, net tricks that are there. Dig in!
4. you become more aware of what positions are there and what requirements could be applied to them in different companies. Makes you build a company profile and make better choices for applications later on.
Now imagine the pressure on your shoulders if they would have hired you while you have so many gaps in your knowledge... It's overtimes every day! It's possibly missed deadlines. It's mishandled tasks. It's bugs all over the place and other devs judging you!
Brush your tears dry, grab candy or a chocolate bar and go improve yourself!2 -
hey, i have been there for some time now, love you all and this wonderful community.
You guys gave me so much fun during my long coding night, between two hot chocolate ;)
Finally got my devduck, obviously my productivity will increase by 150% now !
I'm planning to offer the second to my best friend for Christmas, any idea of a fun way to do it ? :)
3 -
Fuck Googles SafetyNet.
I wish for every developer who is responsible for this pile of shit to choke to death on a big fucking piece of chocolate.
SafetyNet is the most retarded piece of software that has ever been developed in the past decade. It does nothing but annoy everyone, randomly block people for no reason and being a gigantic pain in the ass. It has no purpose existing. The entire purpose of it simply does not make sense and is only used for marketing bullshit. The last thing I would trust my actually important shit with is a phone.
Fuck you, Google. Fuck you.5 -
When you spend so long ranting that the broken chocolate in your pocket melts, you take it out, and it fuses together in one piece...
4 -
At a chocolate museum: some quiz to tell you the best chocolate kind to try and suddenly:
wait...... I can actually mark stuff....
......... Thinking
...... Can I get a context menu?...
..nice!!!.... Let's click search with bing.
And we have an internet explorer! xD
Unfortunately the pc was in French and my French can be described as one could say rather basic or maybe more as pretty bad xD (and I didn't want to break a museum) so I did not go further ;)
4 -
Rewrote half of a fucking paper. Also, some moron has been mis-editing my last work on this. They managed to write barely-english sentences in the middle of a well-thought-out section and break it completely. I'm glad last time I wrote these stuff I winged it, but if anyone gives me shit about stuff I carefully wrote right now, or edit it into rubbish, I will literally burn this paper to ashes.4
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I have a dream that I will find a group of programmers that enjoy their craft and we are able to bond together and create the coolest shit we want and monetize it. We will inspire programmers to overthrow corporate America. We will all live in a big house and everyone will have their different hobbies and we can learn from each other and work on whatever we want to do each day. We will have unlimited dried mangoes, chocolate chips, and chips n salsa. We will create a kingdom.8
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Fuck these SJWs, what kind of society respects and validates the opinion of irrational, psychologically mutilated humanoids. how long will people let them.
And I don't care if try to mute my freedom of speach, I will say what I wish, whether is sexist, racist, or offensive in general
But what happens when progress decays because of it?! Yesterday, this master/puppet situation, today Linus leaves Linux, what if tomorrow I am not allowed to eat chocolate because it's offensive for the people of Ivory coast who slave for it, what if tomorow I can't say that the sun is blue, because it'd be offensive to colorblind people? Until when is this society going to regress?
I hope live in a modern Babylon world which is to be teared down and burned to ashes, buried deep underground, down by fascist nationalist with no sense of moral freedom of speach and justice, because I feel like it would happen anyways.2 -
So you all think that coffee is the best energy brewage? I can say that it isnt! At least for me...
I ate a dark chocolate bar a.p. 10pm yesterday and i couldnt even go to sleep. In the morning i have never felt so awake before and i managed to get to the lecture not on a tram but by foot...
Also my depression is gone and i want to fix my life4 -
Woah TIL
"Kinder Surprise is a hollow milk chocolate egg shell containing a toy. [...] it is banned in the US since the Federal Food, Drug, and Cosmetic Act prohibits confectionary products containing 'non-nutritive objects'"
I loved collecting those toys as a child (and still love the chocolate)6 -
got this cool protein powder thing and it tastes like chocolate when I mixed it with some milk yesterday
figured it's like hot chocolate but makes you feel awesome!
put powder in a cup and filled it with hot water today
this was a mistake.
turns out protein clumps under heat. it tasted so gross. I threw it out.
I thought I was so smart12 -
Joined small scale-up months ago. I literally want to punch one of my coworker. Constant mental harassement, self-declared lead, rude and impolite. That coworker is socially awkward in the baddest and meanest way.
Oh boi.
Founders seems to not give a crap even if they told me they want a flat hierarchy. They let that coworker off the hook.
Not even mentioning that culture of oppression and repression.
If you're late you must bring chocolate and they'll remind you 256 times a day. Oh boy, I'm not late... I just don't want to come in the office.
Also, the code is atrocious.
What seemed like a dream job at first turned out to be a nightmare. Never been bullied since I started working. Now, I have a bully and a nemesis.
Ooooh boy.8 -
So I get sweet cravings when I feel down. Yesternight, after dinner, ate loads of chocolate cookies 🍪.
Dreamt of a dystopian society with things happening that could only happen in a science fiction setting with all the AI and cybernetics. Man that was crazy and scary at the same time. What a rollercoaster ride.
Gonna do it again tonight 😆6 -
So, today I've read a study that says that chocolate '' improves brain function ". Bullshit. What improves brain function is having a glass of scotch while programming. Damn, I even write code faster. The problem is the morning after when I re-read my programm. I really didn't thought I knew mandarin.3
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I ran out of milk halfway a chocolate milk.
With no options left, I skeptically decided to add some water.
I had half a cup of milk, added 1/4 of water. Y'know, enough to look filled, not enough to ruin it in case it goes wrong.
Microwave it.
No, freaking, difference. Loved it.
I added some more water to see how much it changes, and it's just slightly less thick and 70% milk flavour. Sure it's a change but now I know the limit.
Recommended.8 -
!rant
For the first time, I solved a pretty serious optimisation problem in our codebase without any external input. It's a little thing, but small victories like this are part of what makes the job so much fun for me.
Currently rewarding myself with coffee and chocolate. I feel good! -
Alright, let's talk about Scrum Masters. Honestly, I just can't wrap my head around why they're even a thing. It's like someone decided to invent a job title for a role that's already covered by other folks on the team.
I mean, think about it. Who's usually sorting out the team's issues, making sure everyone's on the same page, and keeping the project on track? That's right, it's the project manager or the lead dev. They're already in the trenches, dealing with the nitty-gritty, so why do we need this extra layer?
And don't even get me started on this "servant-leader" nonsense. It's like they're trying to be the team's buddy, but they've got no real power to make things happen. It's like being a king without a crown. Who's going to respect that?
Plus, having a Scrum Master often just leads to more red tape. Instead of getting stuff done, we're stuck in endless meetings, talking about process this and methodology that. It's like we're more focused on how we work instead of actually working.
The best teams I've seen don't need a Scrum Master to babysit them. They need a real leader, someone who's not afraid to make the tough calls and who can give them the tools they need to kick ass and take names.
So, in a nutshell, I think Scrum Masters are about as useful as a chocolate teapot. It's high time we ditched this outdated role and got back to doing what we do best: building awesome stuff.8 -
this old bitch on my team keeps on taking my food like an elementary school bully and self proclaims herself as my work mom. it's come to a point where she just takes my food off my tray without asking lols
My petty ass has been bringing chocolate and other junk foods because I know she has thyroid problems
she also talks shit to other people when I go on vacation or call in sick so I don't even give a f10 -
That awkward feel when I ran into an issue on one of Azures SDKs and find the pull request is open and not merged for a few months...
The even better feeling when I realise that particular product SME is _literally_ in the room behind me.
Chocolate is an alternative form if bribery right? -
Today I learned how to make McDonald's coffee...
I just had to add 3 "pumps" of chocolate syrup. And the material cost was probably $0.50 ...
5 -
Just started working as a junior developer, since we new junior developers started the hot chocolate is always unavailable in our building so you have to go to a different building to get it, is it some kind of way to get us to switch to coffee?
11 -
!(pure)dev
This might sound like generalisation but the amount of paper people in France (atleast Paris) waste uneccesarily is shocking. It disturbs me to see some jackass printing pages after pages of garbage in the office each time they want to check if a printer is working as expected. Or the professors using huge white sheets to explain shit when the white board is right fucking behind them (to add to it, they use only one side of the sheet). Or literally every single store handing out paper receipts for a 1€ chocolate I buy. Why isn't their a digital alternative? Why are people so not bothered about how much they're fucking the planet just coz they have enough resources to live happily?
If machines ever overthrow humanity, I'm sure they'll do a better job in tidying up everything.4 -
Today was a shit day and I was in a bad mood. I now had to do a very annoyint thing for uni so I got a bar of chocolate and wanted to reward myself at certain milestones. The bar is half empty and I haven't even started yet.6
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Lots of code not working, lots of job problems, lots of troubles in life, lots of sleepless nights…
But hey, I have marshmallow chocolate cookies :)8 -
It's too late for this but I just realized it so I'm sharing it anyway.
How do I get through tough dev days?
Depending on how tough it is going :
House music
Soundtracks for focus
Soundtracks for action (any Assassins here?)
AC soundtrack with chocolate.6 -
!dev
Where I live just got it’s first snow of the year!
This shitty nodejs is a hell of a lot less crappy when it’s accompanied by hot chocolate and snow3 -
Chocolate. Practically it's sugar but i prefer it in the form of chocolate.
I can work without pretty well, but it really helps in high pressure situations.
I sound like a drug addict. 😱2 -
Today is thursday. Oh no.
At thursdays I have a 8h30-19 schedule (I have 1h30' of free time to go home and cry after I finish a class at 15h30 though) and there's this one class I DREAD. It's a 2h class at 17h and it's an exercise class. This wouldn't be so bad it I actually understood the code behind the exercises, because they don't teach us code in the theory classes (btw it's C. I hate that language because of all this). The teacher pretty much tells us "do this exercise", waits like 10' and then starts to (try to) explain what we're supposed to do. Oh my god.
The other day he was like "write "exec ( ... "text" ... )", compile and execute". It didn't work. Of course it didn't why would it? I was switching around between terminal, manual and text editor, to no avail. In the end he explained but I don't think I got it.
Every time I think about this class I die a little inside and start to become somewhat anxious to be honest. The theory is not that that hard, the practice part is what is killing me (I have test in 2w but I'm just gonna start studying earlier so I can go watch this match LoL).
Does someone know a good book (preferably online, if possible) or a good website on C? I really need to read that, that language is killing me.
Bonus: the other day I had to do a homework that was to be delivered. We had to write a program that read the program and its arguments like this:
./program_name
numArgs
arg1
arg2
etc
I wrote the code, had some bumps in the way, asked a colleague for help because we needed to have a custom function made that was to be done in the class but that I couldn't make because of the reasons above. Then it came the time to test. My VM broke (I think I'm gonna format my PC to try to fix that. Have installed some other versions of the VM but the installations fails or the machine doesn't start) so I sent it to said colleague to test. She said it did OK and so I sent the work to this website we have to send our works to.
"2 errors".
What? What happened? She said it worked just fine.
Looked at my code, couldn't see anything wrong.
Asked the same colleague for help.
Turns out I missed a space. A SPACE. I don't think I've ever felt so frustrated in my life. A presentation error in Java is a good thing, at least we know the program works fine, it's just the output that's wrongly formatted. But C? Nope, errors all around, oh my god. I'm still mad about it.
And I owe her a chocolate.1 -
Dev1: "what was that requirement? I mean, do you remember that little yet hugely important detail ...?"
Dev2: "hmmm sort of ... Maybe it's in one of the emails, possibly 2 months ago. Let's try to find it"
Dev3: "wait, probably Dev1 was not included for some reason in that thread of emails"
Dev2: "no wait, I mean the other, the one we used to talk about those other specifications from previous meeting..."
[and the story goes on]
Now you may think "ok, this event happened once and was a misstep. Shit happens"
Actually, this is the bread and butter in this company I collaborate with. All their requirements are spread across thousands of emails, usually mixed together and possibly forked into different threads. Often people are cut out from conversation because someone forgets to "reply all", other times they're lost in time.
When I asked them "why don't you use some other tool, maybe something more organized and easily searchable, something structured..."
They replied "no no, we prefer to use email for historical reasons"
My brain just melted like chocolate under the sun2 -
Once upon a time, there was a cup of coffee aimlessly walking around the open fields of Alabama. He then realized he was not from Alabama and joined with his father the Sun.
That, my friends, is the story of the epic adventures of a sheep named Bob.
Basically, Stephen said unto me: "let there not be sheep", yet there still was.
The wonders of the modern world--the wonders!
I really do like chocolate.5 -
Despair +
Craving sweet stuff +
Quarantine lead to a new interesting search algorithm.
I call it diabetes search.
It find's anything edible with enough sweetness or taste.
Current result is promising.
I found couverture chocolate, cocoa powder, maple syrup, vanilla sugar, crunched haselnuts...
I had some eggs, flour, and milk left.
The kitchen looks like in the movies.... When a martial arts battle took place inside a kitchen.
And I'm slightly comatose.
But: Pancakes with something Nutella like. Just more nutty.
Diabetes search very successful.3 -
So I was wandering around Lithuania during a time period when the freaks were playing nice. Took some pictures of hot chocolate or coffee can't remember long time ago and some photos of a nice snow covered trail and added some Cyrillic what a nice vacation
True story
This is in Russia immediately after my trip to Lithuania
The people were certainly not twisted freaks who were acting nice for once and leaving me alone instead of acting like fucked up chomo captors. A word I never use but I've been inspired by hearing it over and over
I like it here
There are Tons of people I get along with who have the same interests
11 -
... okay then.
Like I was just lazy to go pick up my chocolate I put totally away..
what’s up Siri though ?
-
Debugging buddy: stuffed php uniphant
Debugging drink: pipping hot tea
Debugging stick: chocolate bar1 -
(slightly off topic) but we had a discussion about a kinder chocolate advert yesterday. The one where "Teddy is very very not very well" I was surprised at how it split the developers. My view was that a 'very' cancels out 'not very' leaving teddy 'very well'. The alternative view was each 'very' increments the 'not very' status.
I just thought I'd throw that out there for you all!7 -
Just two weeks ago I worked with other students on a university project. I left the room for a short time to buy some hot chocolate (no coffee!) the next day one of my "coworkers" showed me my twitter timeline with the last tweet like "waifu #3dpd" or something like that. And yep, I deleted it. I was about to change my password, then he stopped me and told me he did that directly on my pc in this short time. It was a bit funny...
-
You nut butter, contrary to pizza devs. This plus chocolate and fresh medium roast, plus Yerba mate is what can help me when working.
2 -
Apparently free chocolate if you're willing to part with your address (I can't personally verify it though, someone else passed it on.)
http://mongodbadventcalendar.splashthat.com/...2 -
How do you eat a proper meal when the caffeine is suppression your appetite? I'm gonna starve. My diet is only composed of coffee, milk, and chocolate. Sometimes junk food.4
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I have a headache and I have to write a fix in production in less than 2 hours. What can I do? does chocolate help? I will get chocolate3
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Bespoke paranoia: I don't want to visit the home page here and see the Amazon has purchased devrant. It's a chilling thought. Out of all the things that have rotated through my brain in years, this is the absolute pinnacle of crap. And I'm not even stoned or something, as a matter of fact, I ate some chocolate ice cream, so I should be feeling great.1
-
Okay fine now enough is enough
Yes I declared and assigned the variable after calling the function and it's usage, and yes I copied it directly from a tutorial which had snippets everywhere, and yes I was blind and it took me 4 hours to find this bug, while eating chocolate but that's not important (c'mon I deserve a chocolate) and yes I found it immediately when I was posting a question about it on Stack Overflow.
But please JavaScript, why can't you do some magic find the variable in the whole script?1 -
Whoo Hoo!!! one more day till school ends for 2 week christmas break yeee i can finnaly make a mod menu with android studio and apks no importing them with java only overclockedgd is doing that with his andlua, [Java + lua] , While flu and norovirus + corona is coming to be exploding and giving people the chocolate squirts my gf is gonna try to give herself noro so i can spend more time with her and take care of her she did that last 2 years i hope she isnt gonna get it again..last year was hell What are you guys gonna do on christmas break?3
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