I absolutely HATE "web developers" who call you in to fix their FooBar'd mess, yet can't stop themselves from dictating what you should and shouldn't do, especially when they have no idea what they're doing.

So I get called in to a job improving the performance of a Magento site (and let's just say I have no love for Magento for a number of reasons) because this "developer" enabled Redis and expected everything to be lightning fast. Maybe he thought "Redis" was the name of a magical sorcerer living in the server. A master conjurer capable of weaving mystical time-altering spells to inexplicably improve the performance. Who knows?

This guy claims he spent "months" trying to figure out why the website couldn't load faster than 7 seconds at best, and his employer is demanding a resolution so he stops losing conversions. I usually try to avoid Magento because of all the headaches that come with it, but I figured "sure, why not?" I mean, he built the website less than a year ago, so how bad can it really be? Well...let's see how fast you all can facepalm:

1.) The website was built brand new on Magento 1.9.2.4...what? I mean, if this were built a few years back, that would be a different story, but building a fresh Magento website in 2017 in 1.x? I asked him why he did that...his answer absolutely floored me: "because PHP 5.5 was the best choice at the time for speed and performance..." What?!

2.) The ONLY optimization done on the website was Redis cache being enabled. No merged CSS/JS, no use of a CDN, no image optimization, no gzip, no expires rules. Just Redis...

3.) Now to say the website was poorly coded was an understatement. This wasn't the worst coding I've seen, but it was far from acceptable. There was no organization whatsoever. Templates and skin assets are being called from across 12 different locations on the server, making tracking down and finding a snippet to fix downright annoying.

But not only that, the home page itself had 83 custom database queries to load the products on the page. He said this was so he could load products from several different categories and custom tables to show on the page. I asked him why he didn't just call a few join queries, and he had no idea what I was talking about.

4.) Almost every image on the website was a .PNG file, 2000x2000 px and lossless. The home page alone was 22MB just from images.

There were several other issues, but those 4 should be enough to paint a good picture. The client wanted this all done in a week for less than $500. We laughed. But we agreed on the price only because of a long relationship and because they have some referrals they got us in the door with. But we told them it would get done on our time, not theirs. So I copied the website to our server as a test bed and got to work.

After numerous hours of bug fixes, recoding queries, disabling Redis and opting for higher innodb cache (more on that later), image optimization, js/css/html combining, render-unblocking and minification, lazyloading images tweaking Magento to work with PHP7, installing OpCache and setting up basic htaccess optimizations, we smash the loading time down to 1.2 seconds total, and most of that time was for external JavaScript plugins deemed "necessary". Time to First Byte went from a staggering 2.2 seconds to about 45ms. Needless to say, we kicked its ass.

So I show their developer the changes and he's stunned. He says he'll tell the hosting provider create a new server set up to migrate the optimized site over and cut over to, because taking the live website down for maintenance for even an hour or two in the middle of the night is "unacceptable".

So trying to be cool about it, I tell him I'd be happy to configure the server to the exact specifications needed. He says "we can't do that". I look at him confused. "What do you mean we 'can't'?" He tells me that even though this is a dedicated server, the provider doesn't allow any access other than a jailed shell account and cPanel access. What?! This is a company averaging 3 million+ per year in revenue. Why don't they have an IT manager overseeing everything? Apparently for them, they're too cheap for that, so they went with a "managed dedicated server", "managed" apparently meaning "you only get to use it like a shared host".

So after countless phone calls arguing with the hosting provider, they agree to make our changes. Then the client's developer starts getting nasty out of nowhere. He says my optimizations are not acceptable because I'm not using Redis cache, and now the client is threatening to walk away without paying us.

So I guess the overall message from this rant is not so much about the situation, but the developer and countless others like him that are clueless, but try to speak from a position of authority.

If we as developers don't stop challenging each other in a measuring contest and learn to let go when we need help, we can get a lot more done and prevent losing clients. </rant>

This is dedicated to all Webdevs, especially those WordPress fanboys.

I was reflecting on some things since I do more frequent freelance jobs at the time. And I have to admit: people are fucking crazy.

I had some serious talk with customers and some serious talk for people I work as subsidiary.

The average customer thinks a nice webpage costs I'm 9-50 bucks. They got some shitty Webhosting for 1-5$/month including domain and think they are set.

They have unclear visions about what they actually want, it all boils down to "I like the design". I made a page for someone who just posted images, no text nothing and I told him a trillion times NEEDS some text, even a fucking picture description would be sufficient, else he'll never score anything at google.

Ofc it got denied, now he's bitching how nobody finds the site when they google his name. The other thing is that Wordpress became the solution for everything.

I'm a fucking certified magento developer and I hate magento with a passion. Magento is an overabstracted clusterfuck and believe me, I did the certification I had to learn more than average about the core. But damn, don't slap woocommerce on everything.

Narrowninded fucktards, the cheap out of the box solution isn't always the best.

Don't cry if you got hacked because you were too dumb to upgrade your wordpress. Don't tell me to do some "enhancements" on a server you probably share with 100 other uses. I can't fix your Webserver with your shitty ftp account.

I also hate WordPress with a burning passion. Cum guzzling cavetroll it is. It has it usages, but don't rely on a core So small every kind of extra functionality has to somehow tinkered on it and then expect it to work flawlessly and for 10$ price.

Of course you can buy a theme that, if it would have been special made for you cost 800$ or more, but it wasn't. It just looks like it from the outside. If you want customization you are at the mercy of the option it provides. I can't even tell how many times i spent whole evenings explaining how their shiny template works. Just to do some crazy shit with JavaScript like rearranging domelements because it didn't work as expected.

I still stay to my word. Nothing great has been nor will be created with a Wordpress core. Don't tell me how some great stuff has been achieved. Or wait, please do so. But before you do think about if that wouldn't been faster, cheaper, more reliable , etc... if done with a framework like symphony or laravel... or even zend or cake.

And that brings me back to the point:
Is cheap and "out of the box" really what you need and desire? As customer and as developer?

How my day went making a magento exstension, with their shitty documentation

Now, I work at a hosting company in the UK, as a linux support engineer. I've seen many cases where a number of clients ran one of the following:

rm -rf / something
rm -rf /var/cache (attempt to magento)
chmod 777 /var
chown -R user:user /*

Half the time, they're like "Hey guys, I dun did fuck up, please help!". The other half of the time, they piss me off. Here's a number of responses that really grinds my gears:

"Such a harmful command should really prompt for input before running" -- From the buy you "forced" a recursive rm command, which mutes such a feature.

Client: "I did no such thing"
Me: "I've seen the command history, and at the time the command was run, you were the only person logged in"
Client: "You're mistaken, You're reading the information wrong"
Me: "I assure you, I'm not, I know what I'm looking at"
Client: "Well you're a shit engineer"
Me (thought): "Says the fucker who doesn't know how to linux"

I like people who own up to fuck ups. But the ones that don't, are just making their lives harder, since we have all the evidence in front of us.

Most of these people are the developers, and in some cases, the sysadmins...

That explains everything. Thank you, Magento.

I hate it when clients force me to fix their fucking magentos with crappy javascript fuckarrounds because the shop is already a huge pile of fuck with window resize events fucking up all onservers. 4 jquery includes all messed up fucking each other in a cum gobbling bukkake because you never know which jQuery, $j, jsm or jFuckYou is bound to which library. I know i have to spill my own fuck all over that fuck. Frontpage slider is raping the search results for slides leaving dead meat in the results foreever. Fuck your fucking fuck you fucking fucker.

I sinned today.

I was messing with store checkout.
On Friday.
Afternoon.
In production.

===rant

So I have been freelancing as web developer for 5 years. I was also playing basketball professionally so I was only working part-time, building websites here and there, small android apps to learn the job and I was also reading a lot to challenge my brain.

When I stopped playing basketball about a year ago, I thought I would really enjoy coding full time so I pursued a job.

With no formal education and just a basketball background on paper, in the collapsed Greek economy, as you may assume chances of landing a job are minimal.

After about 40 resumes sent I only got an internship. It was a 4 month, part-time, no pay deal, and then the company would decide if they would like to hire me later.

The company had 4 employees and they are one of the largest software distribution businesses in my area. They resell SaaS bought from a third company, bundled with installation support, initial configuration, hardware support, whatever a client may need.

I was the only one with any ability to code whatsoever. The other people were working mostly on customer support with the occasional hardware repair.

After the 4 month period they owner (small company, owner was also manager and other roles) told me that they are very happy with my work and would like to keep me part-time with minimum pay.

Just to give you and idea if the amounts of money involved, in Greece, after taxes, my salary was 240euros per month. And the average cost of surviving (rent, cheapest food possible, no expenses on anything but super basics) is about 600euros.

I told him I needed more to live and he told me ok, we will reevaluate a few months later, at the end of May 2017.

I just accepted it without having many options. The company after all was charging clients 30euros per hour for my projects so I kept thinking that if I worked a lot and delivered consistently I would get a full time job and decent money.

And I delivered. In the following months I made a Magento extension, some WordPress themes, a C# application to extract data from the client's ERP and import it to a third application, a click to call application to use Asterisk to originate calls from the client's ERP, a web application to manage a restaurant's menu and many more small projects. Whatever they asked, I delivered.

On time, version controlled, heavily documented solutions (my C# ones are not exactly masterpieces but it was my first time with the language and windows).

So when May ended I was pretty excited to hear they wanted to keep me full time. I worked hard for it, I was serious, professional, I tried a lot to learn things so I can deliver, and the company recognized that. YAY.

So the time comes to talk money. The offer was 480euros per month. Double my part-time pay, minimum wage. I asked for about 700. Manager said it's hard but I will see what I can do. So we agreed to keep the deal for June while they are working on a better offer.

During the first half of June I finished my last project, put all my work on a nice folder with a nice readme on every project's directory, with their version control and everything.

The offer never improved, so I said no deal, and as of today, I am jobless.

I am stressed as fuck and excited as fuck at the same time.

I will do my best to survive in the shitstorm that is called Greece.

Bring it on.

Emailed client asking for access to his Magento storefront.

Client emailed me the following response.

Yes, what is your email?

Me at work right now.

Magento is a special kind of tool.
- >20GiB of files? ✔
- >1 GB database? ✔
- Memory needed for scripts >768 MB? ✔
- Script max. exec. time 5 hours? ✔
- Slow ass website? FUCKING ✔
- Slower deployment than a vote on a country wide legislation? FUCKING ✔
- Shitty crap pile of STD-ridden code? I BET YOUR STINKING ✔

Magento, sincerely, please die in agony.

Woop woop! See what we got in office 🙌🏼 Magento devs can relate it better 😁

How I discovered I was a developer:

The company had hired a pair of computer science graduates and we had been commissioned to build a magento store. Weeks went buy with limited progress, and missing functionality was met with protestations from the devs about unreasonable demands.

At this time I had been taken on as a designer / casual front end developer (though the focus was on design). I knew HTML, CSS and some very limited php and js.

We were severely over deadline, and seeing the desperation on people's faces I suggested looking into it.

I read the magento docs, got an install up an running, configured an installed plugins, integrated the theme using the complex multilevelled XML/phtml architecture magento uses and even got some of the more complex js functionality working using JavaScript.

In two weeks.

I'm now the lead developer

I don't get it, really...
A web agency in my city published an ad on a jobs listing website; they search a php programmer who knows about magento. On their website, in the "contact us" page, they say that they are looking for:
- a graphic designer
- junior php dev
- magento dev

I sent my cv; they call me back for an interview.
This morning i went there for the interview; when the interview ended the guy just said to me "well, we don't have any open position at this moment. We make interviews from time to time, just in case in the future we may need help".

Ok. Now 2 things come to my mind:
1- i need a job now; if 3 months from now you call me cause you REALLY need a php dev, i will probably (hopefully) already have another job
2- FFS i lost 2 hours for you: 50 minutes of traffic going, 20 minutes interview and another 50 minutes of traffic going back home...

Just why?

Third party ajax cart for magento.
"Grand parent"

My first job was actually nontechnical - I was 18 years old and sold premium office furniture for a small store in Munich.
I did code in my free time though (PHP/JS mostly, had a litte browsergame back then - those were the days), so when my boss approached me and asked me whether I liked to take over a coding project, I agreed to the idea.

Little did I know at the time: I was supposed to work with a web agency the boss had contracted to build their online shop. Only that he had no plan or anything, he basically told them "build me an online shop like abc(a major competitor of ours at the time)"

He employed another sales lady who was supposed to manage the shop (that didn't exist yet). In the end, I think 80% of her job was to keep me from killing my boss.

As you can imagine, with this huuuuge amout of planning and these exact visions of what was supposed to be, things went south fast and far. So far that I could visit my fellow flightless birds down in the Penguin's republic of Antarctica and still need to go further.

Well... When my boss started suing the web agency, I was... ahem, asked to take over. Dumb as I was, I did - I was a PHP kid and thought that Magento, being written in PHP, would be easy to master. If you know Magento, you know that was maybe the wrongest thing I ever said.

Fast forward 3 very exhausting months, the thing was online. Not all of it worked yet, but it was online and fairly secure.

I did next to everything myself, administrating the CentOS box the shop was running on, its (own) e-mail server, the web server, all the coding required for the shop (can you spell 12 hour day for 8 hour pay?)

3 further months later, my life basically was a wreck, I dragged myself to work, the only thing I looked forward being the motorcycle ride home. The system worked though.

Mind you, I was still, at the time, working with three major customers, doing deskside support and some admin (Win Server 2008R2 at the time) - because, to quote my boss, "We could not afford a full time developer and we don't need one".

I think i stopped coding in my free time, the one hobby I used to love more than anything on the world, somewhere Decemerish 2012. I dropped out of the open source projects I was in, quit working on my browser game and let everything slide.

I didn't even care to renew the domains and servers for it, I just let it die without notice.

The little free time I had, I spent playing video games and getting drunk/high.

December 2013, 1.5 years on the job, I reached my breaking point and just left, called in sick at least a week per month because I just could not see this fucking place anymore.

I looked for another job outside of ALL of what I did before. No more Magento, no more sales, no more PHP. I didn't have to look for long, despite what I thought of my skills.

In February 2014, I told my boss that I quit. It was still seven months until my new job started, but I wanted him to know early so we could migrate and find a replacement.

The search for said replacement started in June 2014. I had considerably less work in the months before, looks like he got the hint.

In August 2014, my replacement arrived and I got him started.

I found a job, which I am still in, and still happy about after almost half a decade, at a local, medium sized ISP as a software dev and IT security guy. Got a proper training with a certificate and everything now.

My replacement lasted two months, he was external and never really did his job - the site, which until I had quit, had a total of 3 days downtime for 3 YEARS (they were the hoster's fault, not mine), was down for an entire month and he could not even tell why.

HIS followup was kicked after taking two weeks to familiarize himself with the project. Well, I think that two weeks is not even barely enough to familiarize yourself with nearly three years of work, but my boss gave him two days.

In 2016, the shop was replaced with another one. Different shop system, different OS, different CI. I don't know why and I can't say I give a damn.

Almost all the people that worked at the company back with me have left for greener pastures, taking their customers (and revenue) with them.

As for my boss' comments, instructions and lines: THAT might not be safe for work. Or kids. Or humans in general. And there wouldn't be much left if you put it through a language filter...

Moral of the story: No, it's not a bad thing to leave a place if you're mistreated there. Don't mistake loyalty with stupidity!

And, to quote one of my favourite Bands: "Nothing matters when the pain is all but gone" (Tragedy + Time by Rise Against).

I hate magento
I hate magento "devs"
I hate people who always cuts down HA vs short times performance

Fuck

New webdev job ad in a small town where I live:
"We need a junior to mid level full-stack dev - Python, Flask, Django, ES6, Angular, TypeScript, Git, etc..."
ME:
"Fuck, I tick all the checkboxes! - And it's like the only Python job around here! Yey! I so want to work with Python" excited sends cv and an extremely well crafted cover letter.
Company calls after few days:
"Hi! So we'd like to invite you for interview. Some of the tech we work in: Shopify, Wix, and SquareSpace. We're also trying to get into some other frameworks and started looking at Magento and Wordpress.... It's not really much coding, mostly content management...."

What the actual fuck!?!

I still agreed to interview...

In Germany some say
"killer games make one agressive".
Those have never developed for Magento.

FUCK YOU MAGENTO! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

Solved a complex puzzle on a website for a local ecommerce business, mind you in 16 and not really looking for a job but an unpaid internship would look beautiful on a resume or university application.

They wanted to see some of my code and give me a tour and none of them despite them being PHP developers for Magento could wrap their heads around laravel or how the routing worked. They also didn't understand and raw PHP whatsoever. I lost all faith and walked out of their office when they asked why I was using prepared statements and how they worked. That was after finding out that they don't understand cloud scalability whatsoever or common security practices.

You know how people say insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result? Those people have never done different things and gotten the same result.

Time to do a little bit of shaming:

I'm specialized in e-commerce applications, mostly based on Shopware, a german out-of-the-box online-shop. They essentially claim to be a better Magento. In December of last year I found a critical issue within the code. Products within the shop can be declared as digital wares. In that case the purchase of a product will unlock the possibility to download a designated file.

As a customer you can access your downloads within the account section. Now here's the problem: The query that fetches the unlocked downloads for a customer is hard-capped at 500 rows. So after your 500th purchase, you won't be able to access any further files you paid for. Essentially their developers thought that this limit would never be exceeded anyway and called it a day.

Personally I think this unacceptable. For the merchant this is a potential law-suit in the making. So I took the time to refactor the code and fix the issue. The corresponding pull-request was flagged as scheduled back in December. Since then there have been numerous releases and the issue is still present. Not only do I ask myself why I should ever put in time and effort to fix their code again, but I also can't believe that they just chose to ignore the issue completely. Also mind that this is not just a small or non-profit open-source project. The responsible company behind the software is a stock corporation that claims to be the market leader in Germany.

You spend 2 hours debugging why content not showing up and end up seeing whole div class being
display: none;

I fucking hate Magento!

I did a thing! Also, Magento can go to hell.

What is the point of a CMS if you are gonna do every page custom with no common functionality or styling? FML

!rant

Just passed Magento frontend developer certification exam, I'm so excited and relieved :D

*Working on custom magento build*

Project manager:you are taking to long on this project. I know how long it should take to build a web site, I built a way more complicated site than this in just a few hours!

Me: what site did you build?

PM: *sends link to wife's photography site* wife.squarespace.com

Me: ...that's not the same thing at all

People who complain about wordpress have probably never tried working with Magento.

I've been going through their documentation for about 3 hours now, trying to figure out how this entire system works. And I'm no where close to understanding it...

When a friend asks you to look at his site as a favour. Then you find out it's Magento

When the magento devs sets chmod 777 on catalogues...

Why are things never simple when it comes to Magento... It should be renamed Magentnooooooooooooooo!

Co-worker: I'm so tired of working on Wordpress sites! I didn't go to school just to do this all day!
Me: well you can help me with this Magento site...
Co-worker: ...

Magento sucks ass

I am a junior web developer, currently working in my first job for a small company, I was hired because I have an interest in meteor and modern web dev.

When I say small I mean I am the only full time js dev.

So the project we are working (my first ever professional project from start to finish) is a travel booking web app (being a little vague, for the sake of privacy). I am the lead developer, as a new programmer of a project that is far from trivial. There are no other javascript devs in office, no sort of code review. We have an outsourced dev but as I got in a flow with one dev my boss supposedly told him to do it part time (without discussing with me), but haven't heard anything from him, so assuming he's just disappeared (probably annoyed at being treated like a commodity).

Boss has set up the stages, and forces me to move on to the next stage before that stage has been finished. I will have to go back over the whole thing to finish things off.

He will only hire cheap juniors, one front end guy with barely any experience is styling the site.

He is used to churning out WordPress and Magento sites.

Wish I had a senior I could learn off.

I want to stick at this project and see it through, but i can only see it ending in a train wreck.

At the same time I want out, I want to work under a better team with senior programmers and better code review.

I just have to do my best and see how it goes I guess

That moment you realize you just wasted $15,000 on Magento enterprise.

Me: *holy shit there's a lot of code in this template file, I should probably break it up I to components*

*goes through the effort to break everything up into component parts*

Me: *i should quit being lazy and actually register all my templates the way magento wants me to*

*5 hrs later*

Me: fuck this! *<?php include ...?>*

Cloning a Magento project from FTP. 19693 files. From a basic template.
FUCK YOU MAGENTO!!

!rant
the most popular ecommerce solution in php is a massive (cosmological scale) pile of corporate crap (magento) and the next most popular is an abomination (opencart)
after fucking around with both for a month (the client asked for the project to be using only one of the two) I'm still barely reaching any results, and most of my time is wasted with the stupid bloated spaghetti that is opencart FUCK THIS,
like seriously. who the fuck writes a single line three left joins sql querry with four or five aliases a couple concacts and a bunch sorting fuckeries just to query the categories list, then just query the details of the specific category from a different function,
also why the fuck map each language string manually. or the fucking hardcoded seo urls, or the use of myisam for all tables, and no fucking foreign keys, let that settle for a minute, no foreign keys, the delete method in the model has at least a twenty lines, and then he came with the genius idea of duplicating models, in the front and the backend, accessing the same data, as the same user, but different naming conventions

I'm going to convince him to use something sane like codeigniter/laravel/fuelphp or I'll deny the project

You can keep making your opensource platform slower, buggier and dirtier. Version after version. You can be proud of it. Tons of forks around the web. But only you are the most famous one. The heavier it is, the prouder you are. Millions of lines of code. Hundreds of millions of them. Until some day, people finally come to their minds, and you see them leaving your platform forever. The revolution comes...

In my recent project which passed on to us from other. Its a magento parallel wordpress system. Inside a magento helper file they loaded wordpress wp-load.php. Inside wordpress they loaded magento. I have seen recursive functions; this is the first time i see recursive cms.

Hey can you just install Magento and this theme for me? .... Today is going to be a bad day.

Any (Magento) developers in Nottingham need a job ? no experience needed, although php knowledge is a must..

This is an actual rant because we can't find anyone..

Freaking Magento! I've been learning how to use Magento for about the past week and i feel like i'm no closer than when i started..

So, a new web project came for some small layout changes, nothing to fancy.
It was on the hands of another company and the client didn't want to work with them anymore. Basic Magento with a custom theme.

As I was wondering through files, I found out that the old devs echoed, in ".phtml" files, contents from ".txt" files located in base directory. I was shocked and went forward with it. The core of Magento had tons of this "echo"s. Several minutes later I found out that they "coded" another administration panel besides Magento, that had "authentication" with hard-coded user/pass inside index.php and a session start. That admin panel just rewrote the contents of .txt files using textareas. Why/what/when the fuck..they've forgotten the admin password?!?!!!!

This was like 3-4 years ago.
Worst project i've seen, ever...

three days trying to code magento payment method, our seniors didn't help me (because they lazy), went to other company senior, 10min and everything works...life sucks

A few years ago I worked at company specialized in Magento(eCommerce) and Magento was changing their licensing model. At the time they had 3 Versions. Community(free), Pro and Enterprise.

They decided to ditch Pro and either make all migrate to Enterprise(with a discount) or go community which wasn’t really compatible. So some shops were in need of a more or less complete rewrite.

My hdd crashed literally the day before but hey no big deal everything is 99% done and on staging. So I had a Trainee at that Time and thought the last few crappy things could be done in pair programming so he can learn a few things.

But fuck him! That motherfucker! He managed to WIPE the staging server and no that was at a time without gut and no SVN. That dipshit just deleted 2 months of work because he thought it was a good idea to SYNC his empty project to the staging system.

Oh god I nearly stabbed him. He did that shit out of his own mind even though I told him a dozen times what would happen... we had to do the whole thing again with me sitting next to him watching every stroke he made.

Guess he learned something while inward silently raging the next weeks.

Magento 2.

If you've worked with it, you know why.
If you don't know why, do yourself a favor and keep it that way.

Is it just me or does everybody read Magento as magneto ...

Am I the only one who is working on a different project every day? And they're not small projects. All medium sized e-commerce sites (Magento 1&2) with tons of custom made functionality.

Soooo counter productive...

For some reason our PM's think it's the most efficient way to do it this way, even though we said numerous times it causes the opposite result. Having to switch to a different project every day and constantly picking up where you left a week ago is so frustrating...

Magento. Just, fucking Magento.

My biggest insecurity is that I missed out on new technology. I've been stuck on my last job working and maintaining a Magento store and doing only boring stuff, fixing bugs in php, etc. I it's been like that for 3 years but before 6 months I've switched jobs and now I'm learning new stuff, feals good :D

Trying to find that one line of php you need to change in a magento project

App/design/frontend/base/default/template/this/is/not/gonna/be/the/template/youre/looking/for/fuckyou.phtml

Worst "hackathon" turned out to be the boss (scrum master type) and a Magento guy (super OCD) working on a tiny tiny adjustment to a email template. They didn't really do anything and expected me to just make it all way better with CSS alone. I built out a robust responsive email in a codepen for them. They acted like they couldn't trust me to be a part of the team because I wasn't contributing - but I wasn't even sure what was happening. Between gathering refreshments and patting themselves on the back... it was hard to see what they had done. The online presentation to the magento people was pretty funny to watch though. If you think you can't have a presentation about nothing - think again. Magento is totally fucked. The word 'hacking' is not really suited to describe 'programming websites/applications quickly' anyway. 'Ninja' and 'hack' should always be considered red flags. 'Magento' should be a triple red flag: Jerk-off Jesus-complex boss, self-centered out of touch programmers, crap product. Watch out!

How do you get over the bad times? I keep having to work with shitty legacy systems that were written in perl and flash in the 90s, but my boss keeps telling me "No" on redoing some of the bigger stuff even though it is really needed. I mean, that is your goal here, right? Rebuilding this POS? FFS you still stored passwords in plain text twoo weeks ago! But no, you's rather dig around in Perl than upset some random user because his fucking interface looks different.

But then I also have to work with another system that I could redo in Cake/Laravel in two weeks (it's literally getting and writing data to one table, so two views and user auth), and the previous dev just... made a huge mess. I mean, why would you need to post data asynchronously when it's this one stupid form ? Just do a regular form submit? And the system is really not suitable for extending, because everything is in the database, EVERYTHING! Like, html form inputs? So to add a simple input to the template I have to create a new input type in the types table and then add that to the form structure table? Only to have the input checked by fucking regex? REGEX! Why? Seriously, this is not some high end CMS that needs this level of code reusability No. This is a simple fucking form.

And I can't get it to work. No documentation of course. No comments, either. All of this makes me feel like I'm just the shittiest dev ever. I feel dumb, and useless. Haven't turned on my private PC in weeks because I see no reason to work on any of my own stuff.

I used to have a job, working with Magento and Wordpress. And yeah, it was horrible, it was chaos, but it was fun and I was great at it. I bent that motherfucking system to fit my needs. People respected my opinion, they were convinced I could program this and that, and I proved them right. Did I make mistakes? Hell yeah. Did I give up? Fuck no!

But now, I just feel like I can't even write a simple fucking form any more. I'm just so close to giving up on development as a whole, even though I love it so much.

As a new freelancer I didn't have much clients , so I paired with a web designer +10 years exp. who work with me as a pm and that was a bad decision.
Although I am a back-end dev , half of the projects were frontend/WordPress theme (less price than back-end projecrs) - so 30% of the projects were cancelled .
sometimes I receive project's which have requirement, like magento, I don't know anything about ,
I tried to push myself but I burned out after six month.
he deals with clients, partner with other companies ,and I don't know anything about the terms.
at the end I was like an employee without any benefits from his company .
moreover I get my money after 45 day!!!
and not all my money .
this is a project I work for another company through him
A requirement for mobile back-end server was integrating with parse and that was my first time working with Facebook parse so ....
after two weeks ..
we received email from parse that they'll shutdown their service after a year .

so we moved to Amazon sns again my first time working with aws .
at the end I can't charge for extra money but my pm became a gold partner for that company .
the only thing that made me hold is that I need some high quality projects for my c.v.
-----------
he didn't show on hangout because I need my money .
this will be my last project with him.
wow I write too much ... I feel better now .😥

Shit.

Shit shit shit.

Accepted to do an "outside-of-work" job, which is about migrating a website from a CMS to another one, and I have extremely badly estimated the time it would take... Now the guy highly expects the website to be fully delivered at the date I told him... Which is in 21 days... I also lost two weeks since he wanted to migrate to Magento, but being inexperienced on it, barely managed to make it run. Managed to convince him to go on Prestashop... Much easier but so much to do, for such a "small" site (6-7 templates)

I think I need to find some help, and quickly :/ :/

have job other from other company (same money, different stack) Magento vs Laravel... I hate Magento more then Magento 1.9 and love Laravel... should I take a risk?

Everyone claims to do good code/software yet no one does.

I started out as a data entry guy. I learned VBA because dealing with thousands of products in excel by hand was a pain in the ass. Among other things, I wrote a macro to combine multiple products into an importable Magento custom product. From there I learned HTML, CSS, JS, and PHP and never looked back.

Didn’t shower. Didn’t fix my hair. Wasn’t asked a hundred questions that could have been easily Googled. Got to chill with my one-year-old while waiting for Magento 2 to reindex. Lovin’ it.

At my new internship I am have to work in Magento. I come to FUCKING hate it.

From the phtml files, the choice between caching or having to wait 20 fucking seconds for a page reload to the huge file structure and the "documentation".

The whole fucking thing is a mess with a shit load of bugs and confusing git tickets that never seem to be added as updates!!!

Fucking hate this shit

At a previous job, I worked on a multi-vendor e-commerce website. It used Magento2 as an API and a separate application we built with Node, Express, and React that consumed it to avoid using Magento's frontend.

The whole stack used should be a rant in itself but our checkout process was dependant on work done by some contractors in India. In short, this entire checkout process would break multiple times a day with no way on my end to fix anything, and that's what I had to reply with every time a bug ticket would come in; which is honestly the worst reply ever to a huge issue like that.

After several attempts of pitching the idea and being turned down for building the checkout in-house to remove the dependency and work on even streamlining the process, the product manager of the brand said as quote "Well the checkout isn't really that important".

At first, I was kind of speechless. How is the functionality of actually buying a thing in an online store NOT important? Shouldn't that be the most important?

Then I realized over time that the only thing they cared about was being a Nascar version of a website, essentially being a canvas of ad space that sellers on the marketplace could buy and paying money just to list their items.

I hated working on that project, and that made it so much more soul-crushing. Gotta chase that revenue right?

The five stages of Magento
Denial: 😅
Anger: 😤
Bargaining: 🙏
Depression: 😞
Acceptance: ... Hell no!

My friend who's programming in java always laugh, when i say I'm compiling Magento code

I wish i had a time machine just to go back in time and shoot the people who invented Magento. What a load of crap.

Magento, it's in the same category for me as drupal, joomla, WordPress,... Bloated, slow, general pain to work with... No learning sources, cap of a 'documentation'...

Fuck you, magento and yes, fuck you, customer as well.
After 2 days of fixing crucial things like missing discount functionalities, taxes being displayed as 'tax' because some monkey hardcoded the term in the template instead of getting the tax class name and overall fumbling in magento's core just to make this broken shit do its job, the customer emails me, asking if we're making 'progress at all because the test link looks pretty unfinished'
Burn in hell, you two!

So I've had a messy couple of days playing with magento sites so the other night i was dreaming that my brain requires indexing :/

Name a shittier API to hook into than Magento's REST API.

Protip: You can't.

[bit of context]
Building 3rd party integrations via their REST API and keep unearthing "WTF?!" architectural design moments. For example: Pulling down products tells you if it has a configurable parent (product to store all master options, etc)... but fuck me if I want to know what the sku of that parent is, or any other means of accessing it!

How the fuck M2 is such a major eCommerce platform is beyond me. WooCommerce in comparison however: Beautiful API, Beautiful documentation, a couple of limitations, no big deal. I love WooCommerce.

M2 makes me question why the hell I became a dev sometimes.

Company tool over a Magento shop from an internal solo developer. They made a new theme based on a bought theme, but the developer who started it is leaving. The 'developer' (yes, quoting it now) made a royal mess about it; rewriting core files, overwriting theme files, leaving JavaScript alerts all over the place, placing business logic in templates and defining CSS classes with functions in custom module block classes. I could go on for a while. After the first sprint we tried to convince the customer to do a complete rebuild, but we couldn't convince him...

The 'developer' has been hold on for now to give support on his crappy code and my next few months are filled with working in this mess without cleaning up the technical debt because we don't have enough time for that... FML

I'm stuck...I life in small city, there is like 3-6 Web programming companies...my salary just got smaller for no reason...and I'm programming with fuckin Magento... I'm really want to live on Mars, alone.

magento + task centre + SAP B1 = suecide

Am I the only one that keeps mistyping & mispronouncing Magneto when I mean Magento?

Can't count how many times I've scratched my head because I got search results pointing at Sabayon Linux's wiki when enquiring about it...

I’m working 2 jobs at the moment, putting 12+ hours/day, been doing for about 2 months and I’m already burned out;
I’m working for a big e-commerce agency which is about to get bigger, doing mostly outdated Frontend work (Magento) with no sign of raises/promotions/ real growth, since all clients are basically enterprise and only want “ol’ reliable” over innovative.
A lot of smart people, lot of knowledge, pay is fair.

The second job I’m doing (part-time) is for a smaller agency in the same sector, pay is a bit higher, closer time zone and an opportunity to work with newer technologies.

I need to make a decision on one of these two companies since I can’t possibly keep working all these hours.
Is there anything else I need to consider before making a decision?

As a Frontend developer I’m getting a bit tired of working with Magento and its outdated tools, but at the same time seems difficult to switch to something different since I haven’t really worked with anything else, I feel a little bit lost

This huge OS project, Magento, have TONS of guidelines, most about decoupling,, it has an extended MVC structure with even more layers than those 3.. All good in theory, guess what.. Guidelines is not followed..
Changing order of two blocks in the view breaks business logic.. So much for decoupling.. You would not believe how many hours I've spent debugging this..

And I can't believe I've dedicated 12 years of my professional live to this platform..

I just broke a magento store by registering a resize event on the window with jquery.

Wtf

When every night is a launch night... So tired.
Been trying to launch this Magento 2 application for about 3 weeks now. It's going to be the death of me.

i hate magento 2 soo much, that i am dreaming of landing bombs on magento creators

I feel like whoever works with Magento full time either has ascended or completely lost their sanity.

Magento, that throbbing pain in the ass.

Magento vs opencart?

As much as I enjoy working with Magento 2, (No really, I actually do) the amount of times I come across a bug that is reported on GitHub and labelled as 'Fixed in 2.2' or 'Fixed in 2.3' without any commit reference or backport to 2.1 is pretty infuriating. Upgrading to 2.2 would probably break many more things than it would fix, too.

Been tasked with writing a simple Magento module as part of a technical test. It's doable but damn, it's a bit intimidating lol. Part of the test is rewriting the Core while I'm at it to display some extra stuff regarding this module.

Then I have another test after that. And who knows how many more with the rest of this week's interviews 😱

Do you know why PHP will survive? Here is my observation.

Most of my clients who wants helps have their sites either on Wordpress or Magento or other free PHP cms.

The background is, they install the whole site all by them self and by the end of month, the Wordpress dashboard is loaded with massive plugins and yellow / red warning messages.

Same case with Magento and other CMS alike.

There site get heavy and they realized that they are in deep shit.

Just like some people take medicine all by them-self or by doing google. Until things gets into serious trouble.

and so the conclusion php will survive.
love to hear opinions on that.

Fuck Magento 2 and it's useless documentation. Fuck it for deprecating straightforward stuff for the reason of being to complicated with the warning that the functionality will be removed and then replacing it with a way more complex solution, while internally just using the deprecated stuff and laughing external developers in their face.
Fuck Magento, fuck Adobe.

Just had to say that....

When you've already spent three days trying to debug a problem with a Magento site and start questioning your credentials as a developer.

But then the other senior says they get stressed just popping in and out to help so they can't imagine what it's like for you and your boss says 'look at it this way. You're one step closer to solving it than you were yesterday'.

Sometimes it's great being a developer... Even when it is stressful.

Magento Debugging Horror!
Changing lots of things in magento with no problem. Continuing development for quite sometime. Suddenly decide to clear cache to see affect of a change on a template in frontent. Suddenly magento crashes! There's no error message. No exception log. No log in any file anywhere on the disk. All that happens is that magento suddenly returns you to the home page!
Reverting all the changes to the template. Clear the cache. Nope! Still the same! Why? Because the problem has happened somewhere in your code. Magento just didn't face it, because it was using an older version of your code. How? Because magento 2 even caches code! Not the php opcache. Don't get me wrong. It has it's own cache for code, in a folder called generated. Now that you cleared all the caches including this folder, you just realized that, somewhere something is wrong. But there is no way for you to know where as there is absolutely no exception logged anywhere!
So you debug the code, from index.php, down to the deepest levels of hell. In a normal php code, once the exception happens, you should see the control jumps to an exception handler, there, you can see the exception object and its call stack in your debugger. But that's not the case with magento.
Your debugger suddenly jumps to a function named:
write_close();
That's all. No exception object. No call stack. No way to figure out why it failed. So you decide to debug into each and every step to figure out where it crashes. The way magento renders response to each request is that, it calls a plugin, which calls a plugin loop, which calls another plugin, which calls a list of plugins, which calls a plugin loop, which calls another plugin.....
And if in each step, just by accident, instead of step through, you use the step over command of your debugger, the crash happens suddenly and you end up with the same freaking write_close() function with no idea what went wrong and where the error happened! You spend a whole day, to figure out, that this is actually a bug in core of magento, they simply introduced after your recent update of magento core to the latest STABLE version!!! It was not your mistake. They ruined their own code for the thousandth of time. You just didn't notice it, because as I said, you didn't clear the `generated` folder, therefore using an older version of everything!
Now that after spending 7 hours figuring out what has failed with absolutely no standard way of debugging and within a spaghetti of GOTO commands (Magento calls them plugin), why not report it to github? So you report it with a pull request. This also takes 1 hour of your time. Just to next day get informed that your pull request is rejected because another person already fixed the bug and made the same pull request. It was just not on the latest stable version yet!
So you decide to avoid updating magento as much as possible. Because you know that the next Stable version will make your life and career unstable. But then the customer complains that the Admin Panel is warning him of using old Magento version which might pose SECURITY THREATS!

I've been working with Magento too long that everything else seems like a piece of cake.

So i bribed a fellow dev/friend who HATES php and Magento... to help me grind out a Magento site while im super behind on a bunch of crap that's mostly boring administrative bs (#ReluctantlyInCharge)

He knew I was coding in python several times over the past several months... yet, despite my near constant griping of formatting bs and high preference of basically anything that doesnt require readability-esq formatting... he apparently didnt get it.

I need to make a quick splash page with a timer on it (other cool elements that i dont think ive ever seen done but i figured why not... weird shit is totally on brand here... like scripting page elements to change and see if people catch on... in very basic ways)...

I know js plenty... but I'd likely have looked up the syntax, was lazy, he loves js (for the intended purpose... he does a lot of blockchain dev) so i asked if hed write me a quick timer line cuz... well im lazy.

He totally overcomplicated it and sends me a page he typed up incl html header. Timer was 3 short block/lines with semicolons... i laughed and wondered why he did all that instead of just the little js... he didnt know either. I told him as a courtesy id make sure to keep the js formatting as he wrote it instead of 1 line...

He sends me 2 examples of a js timer in 1 line... like 1semicolon... i had to show him what i actually meant... 3 'lines' with semicolons on 1 visual line...

He was stunned, then realised i must really hate python

Worst project I worked on was fixing up and optimizing a clients legacy Magento app. this thing had leftover code from a few different development teams, and then my company had to make it run better. We outsourced much of it, and it wasn't using a proper git setup. in order to do absorb at all, we had to SSH to a dev server, work directly, and pray another person on the team want working on the same file or breaking something else.

God damn Magento :(

eBay's APIs make me want to cry.

Take the sandbox for example:
- Every time you log into a session, it logs you out.
- When you create an order (eventually!) and want to retrieve it, tough shit it doesn't feel like doing that today.
- Functionality both exists and doesn't exist at the same time on both the LIVE and Sandbox APIs. I don't know how they've managed to get quantum computers in their server room, but their GOD DAMN API LIBRARIES ARE NOT THE BEST USE CASE FOR QUANTUM COMPUTING!!

I don't know if I despise eBay or Magento more...

39 hours. Finished building an Excel tool to help me convert rows of data into Magento custom products in seconds instead of minutes. Then I used said tool on a huge load of data and worked my ass off to get it done by some deadline. I honestly forgot what for.

My first Rant/Story

One year ago I was told I'll be working on a Magento 2 project.
I was told it's great you'll see it's so much better then Magento 1 (at that time I didn't even know what Magento is or what it's used for).

Now one year later, a day doesn't pass that I don't discover something new in it to hate. Every day there is something new that doesn't make any sense at all. But I found my way to live with it.. at least it isn't boring haha

GMail -> New Filter -> Includes "Magento" or "Specialist" in subject or body -> Delete Immediately

God I hate scrubby spam bots

#magento
Idk who's developing that, but that's what occured to me:
Request for getting specific category in shop:
V1/categories/{category_id}
Request for getting categories list:
V1/categories/list
....?
"Invalid type for value: "list". Expected Type: "int""
I wonder fucking why -.-'

!rant

When making an ecommerce site, what platform do you guys use? WooCommerce, Magento, Shopify, ....

Or do you just start from scratch with a payment gateway such as stripe or icepay

Anyone else has a love/hate relationship with Mageno, or just hate?
:p

I've been programming for 15 years now or more if I count my years I programmed as a hobby. I'm mostly self learned. I'm working in an environment of a few developers and at least the same amount of other people (managers, sales, etc). We are creating Magento stores for middle sized businesses. The dev team is pretty good, I think.

But I'm struggling with management a lot. They are deciding on issues without asking us or even if I was asked about something and the answer was not what they expect, they ask the next developer below me. They do this all the way to Junior. A small example would be "lets create a testing site outside of deployment process on the server". Now if I do this, that site will never be updated and pose a security risk on the server for eternity because they would forget about it in a week. Adding it to our deployment process would take the same time and the testing site would benefit from security patches, quick deployment without logging in to the server, etc. Then the manager just disappears after hearing this from me. On slack, I get a question in 30 minutes from a remote developer about how to create an SSH user for a new site outside of deployment. I tell him the same. Then the junior gets called upstairs and ending up doing the job: no deployment, just plain SSH (SFTP) and manually creating the database. I end up doing it but He is "learning" how to do it.

An other example would be a day I was asked what is my opinion about Wordpress. We don't have any experience with Wordpress, I worked with Drupal before and when I look at a Wordpress codebase, I'm getting brain damage. They said Ok. The next day, comes the announcement that the boss decided to use Wordpress for our new agency website. For his own health and safety, I took the day off. At the end, the manager ended up hiring an indian developer who did a moderately fair job. No HiDPI sprites, no fancy SASS, just plain old CSS and a simple template. Lightyears worse than the site it was about to replace. But it did replace the old site, so now I have to look at it and identify myself part of the team. Best thing? We are now offering Wordpress development.

An other example is "lets do a quick order grid". This meant to be a table where the customer can enter SKU and quantity and they can theoretically order faster if they know the SKU already. It's a B2B solution. No one uses it. We have it for 2 sites now and in analytics, we have 5 page hits within 3 years on a site that's receiving 1000 users daily... Mostly our testing and the client looked at it. And no orders. I mean none, 0. I presented a well formatted study with screenshots from Analytics when I saw a proposal to a client to do this again. Guess what happened? Someone else from the team got the job to implement it. Happy client? No. They are questioning why no one is using it.

What would you do as a senior developer?

- Just serve notice and quit
- Try to talk to the boss (I don't see how it would work)
- Just don't give a shit

Our company going full magento, and i fucking hate that shit... My table is besides the window and I'm gonna use it

What absolute fucking imbecile thought an upper limit of 6.0.0 would make sense for max supported PHP version on the entire Magento 1.9.3.X code base. Not to mention the installer is broken on account of them not fucking understanding InnoDB is default engine in MySQL.

Seriously Mage Rage is real.

Who all are at Magento Imagine?

When I think I know Magento , I find I do not know anything. 😄

I am trying to fix my magento broken modules since last week still stuck ... The documentation sucks for Adobe Magento... 😪😪

@Meet Magento Croatia 2017 #mm17hr
Any other ranters here? :)

"How do I include the Zend_Http package in my Magento module?" - a "Zend" certified engineer

WTF

!rant advice needed

I have an interview at a company this week who work in PHP, magento, angular js, swift and sometimes c#. Sounds quite good for a new grad with one year of experience in PHP and front end.

The problem is the salary is 20-22k. My friends are looking in London and the ones who ha e secured roles are 36k and 40k. They are roughly the same level of developers as me.

So what to do? Probably turn it down? I don't know what o should expect but I was hoping for around 30k. I need the money for personal reasons and 22k doesn't seem like a lot for a first class computer science graduate with a year and a half industry experience. I could be wrong?

Why there has to be So Many legs to the OAuth....

1 Leg...
2 Legs...
3 Legs... Wtf...

Make it a fkin...Octopus OAuth

Why so many legs to a Dumb API ??!

Whoever created Magento is pure evil

Wasted a night on building a docker image of Magento over php-fpm7 alpine, stuck.

What site is the best for learning Magento 2 with videos? Prefarably just like Laracasts.com

Thanks!

Magento2 where is my documentation?

dropping magento and starting to work with laravel. in new company, new year goals.

PHP guys: Magento is so rampant nowadays. Are you currently using or studying it? If not, do you plan on studying / using it even if it is not a job requirement? 🤔

I usually do like a good bit of challenge when working with web technologies for the first time, because one I learn to master them, I am really proud of myself and I can bring it as an asset for new projects. This means that I try to be as open minded as possible when working with a framework for the first time.

This being said, Magento1 has got to be the most overly complex, badly documented and unconfigurable thing even.

The fact that there's no way to easily understand how to configure a module has me distressed

How can it be hat magento, one of "the" eCommerce softwares with a pretty based "cloud" plan and all that, is just offline for "planned maintenance" for TWO DAYS?!

CI/CD?
Cloud?
Dont your customers pay you enough for this basic stuff?

And also the opensource segment ist offline for the whole "maintenance" period.
RANT

Y'all! I finally managed not to feel too completely incompetent with Magento1!

They have the most confusing configuration system ever. Can't wait to switch to Magento 2 with a proper do system among other things.

Perfect start for mondays? Magento Shell Scripting to fix crappy extension attributes. Fun.

Docker or multi-tenant in Magento 2?

Does someone remember this update years ago in the magento community edition that added a file in the root web directory that just printed all database credentials to the browser?

Who all work on Magento? lol anyone?

Any body used Magento (e-commerce CMS) does it worth learning?

Have you ever scoped a task to be a certain amount of time and at the end of that scoped time asked for more time because you think you can still achieve what you are trying to do but after the extra time has expired, you find out that the task is near impossible?

What do you tell the client?

I'm about to build a webshop for a customer with about 5000 products.
I'll also maintain the site after it's finished.
Is magento 2 the best choice or what should i go with? Fire away :)
(First post btw)

Thinking about switching to Magento from WHMCS. I'll be developing the necessary plugins and all however, I want to know how secure Magento is? (Hoping it's nothing like WordPress)

And would you consider WHMCS to be a better choice?

Alllll these web devs in here bashing WordPress, let me ask out of genuine curiosity... what do you suggest as an alternative for your clients?

I am looking at web sphere commerce presentation. Fucking crap - why u no use magento. Fucking IBM

Hi all,

I am managing some servers that contain magento projects and I see the cache of the projects being ridiculously large! is this normal ? and how can I resolve it if not. specifically the folder /project/var/cache/page_cache

Magento Pipeline Deployments.... the pain of my existence.

Outsourced a friggin existing magento(php) work to freelancer including screenshots what to do . He literally asked me the names of the file to make the changes i needed.