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About 10 years ago my wife and I were buying a house. We found out late that we needed a lot more cash than we had previously thought we needed, and the deadline to deliver it was just a few days away. After returning home from my full-time gig at about 6pm, I took a break for a bit and then worked all night on a job for a client to make up the extra money. When 7am rolled around I had just finished up. Then I went back to work at my full-time job, and later met with the client to present my work. It was roughly 27 hours at a keyboard for me. That effort made it possible for us to successfully buy our first home. If you want something badly enough, make it happen!7
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Not a coding test, but:
Them: So you are interviewing for a programmer opening. Do you like programming?
Me: yes.
Them: do you make logos?
Me: ...I can...?
Them: good because you won't always be writing code here.
Me: I'm out.8 -
The worst career choice I ever made was walking away from a six figure salary software development job with benefits to focus on the small startup I co-founded just a few years earlier. My wife and I had two small children at the time and my wife was also nearly 8 months pregnant with our third. It resulted in an approximate 70% reduction in income, prematurely cashed out 401k and loss of existing health insurance.
To be fair, it was also simultaneously the best career choice I ever made. Three years later I make more now than I originally walked away from. The raw roads of stress, anger, fear and complete uncertainty have aged both me and my wife at an accelerated rate but we have grown closer to each other than we would otherwise be. We have relied on each other, and she has been unbelievably supportive with all the late nights and required traveling. We discovered what we are capable of. In one day it will be October. In one day it will be the month that we finally pay off our last batch of credit card debt that resulted from that career choice.
I cannot recommend following in our footsteps as from where I’m sitting there are much better, more calculated ways of going about it. Logically, what we did was beyond stupid. Luckily for us, we were still young enough to not grasp the full magnitude of stupidity and we also refused to fail. It’s also crucial to have stellar business partners who are just as crazy and just as determined. We have all labored tremendously and we have each played critical roles in our success. The hard times of fear and uncertainty aren’t over. I don’t think they will ever be, to be honest. But, it sure has been one hell of a ride. I wouldn’t change a thing.17 -
Early in my career I was assigned the task of implementing a 3D pie chart into our application that you could spin and rotate with your mouse. You know, because sometimes you want to see the sides and the back of a pie chart.4
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It had been 13 days since I was last approached with a "great idea for an app".
Today, the counter resets to zero!
7 -
If you're going to bother to detect that my input is without hyphens, then you can certainly insert them for me too.
8 -
Not writing unit tests.
Everyone reading this is guilty of it.
Anyone who says otherwise is lying.23 -
Apple just announced a new 6k monitor. The stand for it is NOT included and will cost $1000.
This snapshot of the presentation is meme-worthy.
...People will still buy it.
31 -
Client just informed our support that they solved their own forgotten password problem by clicking the "forgot password" button in our app. They say they are now awaiting the email with the password recovery details.
One problem: we don't have a forgot password button in our app.9 -
I had to do some work in an older C# repo. I see git is automatically ignoring each new class I add. After scouring the .gitignore file, I see this entry put in by one of my colleagues.
15 -
Me: Visual Studio 2019 is acting weird. I should close it and re-open.
Me: *Clicks X in top right of instance window*
Dialog: Not enough memory to perform this operation.
=/8 -
The Linux kernel team working on the Intel bug considered naming their fix:
Forcefully Unmap Complete Kernel With Interrupt Trampolines, aka FUCKWIT.
😂😂😂1 -
GROW SOME FUCKING BALLS AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY YOU FUCKWIT!
I can't even count how many times I've heard people excuse themselves with sentences like:
"It's not my fault I only got a C, our teacher was shit"
"How can I finish this assignment when the teacher haven't learned me this?"
"I'll be late to work because my dick was stuck in the sink"
(This is a real one I've experienced myself. A teacher said this last week)
"I wasn't able to put up your material for your assignment before now because we're busy with exams" - The day before the assignment was due. Gj.
"He doesn't deserve to get fired, it's not his not at fault for being incompetent"
Then who the fuck is? The government? Your neighbor? My dog? A stray dog?
STFU! I'm so fucking tired of all these excuses! Grow some hair and take responsibility.
The only thing you achieve by not doing so is making everyone else drown in your disgusting vomit your constantly letting out of your mouth.8 -
Yet another someone just contacted me about having a "great idea for an app".
That's a justified rant all by itself.7 -
At my first job, I got tired of having to type a user name and password every time I debugged the web application. Thinking I was clever, I put in a hack so that if you launched the application with the query string "?user=Administrator" it would log you in as the administrator. So much typing saved!
A couple days after the next release, I realized it shipped like that. In absolute horror, I walked into my boss' office, closed the door, and told him the tale of my mistake.
He just looked back at me, and after a moment or two said, "Loose lips sink ships."
And that was it.4 -
The hardest part of programming is not the inner workings of the chosen frameworks and tech.
It's the damn naming.
I will spend hours trying to figure out what to name things for sense and clarity and then a fraction of that time coding it together.
*me, staring out the window*
"Hey dude can you--"
"Ssshhh. I'm naming things."15 -
If I run into a problem with code or a configuration of some kind, like a good little programmer, I Google it.
One of two things will happen:
1) I quickly find the answer to my problem.
or
2) After hours of searching, I can't find anything about my problem. At all. I change the search phrasing, adjust the advanced search settings, read all the somewhat related but still unrelated articles. Nothing.
If #1 happens, awesome, life is great, thanks Internet!
If #2 happens, it's because of one of two things:
1) I am the first person in the world to stumble upon this issue. Quick! To the Blog Cave!
2) I AM TOO STUPID TO BE DOING WHAT I AM TRYING TO DO BECAUSE MY MISTAKE IS SO UNBELIEVABLY DUMB THAT NO ONE HAS BOTHERED NOR WILL BOTHER TO WRITE ABOUT IT, ANYWHERE, EVER. I LOOK AT MY WORK AGAIN FOR THE 100TH TIME AND FINALLY REALIZE MY EMBARRASSING NOOBERY.
2.1 is a unicorn. 2.1's happen to other people.
I am dealing with a 2.2.2 -
(I wrote most of this as a comment in reply about Microsoft buying GitHub on another rant but decided to move it here because it is rant worthy. Also, no, I'm not a Microsoft employee nor do I have any Microsoft stock).
Microsoft buying GitHub makes sense. They contribute more to the open source community on GitHub than any other company. (Side note, they also contribute/have contributed to the Linux Kernel).
Steve Ballmer isn't running the show anymore. Because of that, we have awesome things like:
* Visual Studio Code - Completely free and powerful light weight IDE for coding in just about any script or language. This IDE is also open source, hosted on GitHub. It can be installed on Win/Mac/Linux.
* Visual Studio Community Edition: fully featured flagship IDE free for solo developers and students, can be installed on Win/Mac.
* Fully featured Sql Server running in a Docker container.
* .Net Core, which can be compiled to native binaries of Windows, MacOS AND Linux. You can't even do that with Java, you have to first have the JVM installed in order to run any kind of Java code on any of those operating systems. .Net Core is also an absolutely beautiful framework with so many features at your disposal.
...and more.
Yes, they've done bonehead things in the past but who/which company hasn't. Yes, they have Cortana. Yes, they force Bing on you when searching with Cortana (does anyone actually regularly use Cortana? Or Bing?). Yes, their operating system costs money. Yes, their malware-style Upgrade-to-Windows-10 tactics were evil and they admitted such. Yes, they brought ads and other unfortunate things to Skype. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't concerned about that Skype bit translating over into GitHub. BUT, the fact that so many of their employees use GitHub daily means they are dogfooding the platform, which is a positive thing.
Despite the flaws, from the perspective of a software engineer they really should be given a lot of credit for all these new directions they are moving in now. They directly aim to help and contribute to the developer community. Plus, Windows 10 is finally getting a dark theme! haha.
I think Microsoft buying GitHub makes a lot of sense. Of course do what you want about it, feel how you want about it, but casting the same ol' shade at them for anything they do seems a bit like automatic reflex more than anything else.
I'm bracing myself for the impending wave of angry hornets from the nest I just kicked. In all seriousness though, I welcome discussion on the topic even if you feel differently than I do. I'm not saying there's no reason to dislike them, just saying there are lots of new reasons to hate them less and/or appreciate what they are doing now.19 -
Dropped out to grow a business I co-founded. Respect to all those that finished. I was already working a six figure salary as a software engineer before I even started at a university. I decided to attend though to have a more complete resume. One day a professor explained that we could look forward to doing really "advanced concepts" like web services OUR SENIOR YEAR. That was already daily life for me. Our business was starting to grow quickly and it needed more and more of my time. I chose the business and for me, that was the correct choice.6
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While watching season 2 of Star Trek Discovery, it was nice to learn SQL is alive and well in the 23rd century. Also, that there are still idiots that don't defend against injection on a warp-capable spaceship with transporter technology.
3 -
A recent project actually taught me how HORRIBLY STUPID it is to store large bodies of text in a SQL Server database. There were millions of records with pages of compressed text each.
More and more text records pile on every single day. Needless to say it was becoming super slow and backups were taking WAY too long.
After refactoring them out as compressed files to disk storage (I love you, micro-services) and dropping them completely from the database, the backup size went from 90gb to 3gb!
It's not every day you get to see a dramatic result like that from a refactor.
Lesson learned, and yes it was quite cool.6 -
So I'm on stack overflow trying to give back to the community that has helped me so much yanno.
So I see a question and decide to answer it but I'm on my mobile and trying to write a well formatted etc. answer is a bit tricky so instead I thought I would answer it as best I could on the phone so at least the OP would be going in the right direction and then when I got back to my computer, I would expand on the answer.
But before I had a chance (within 10 minutes of answering) some 200k+ rep dickhead decided it was his job to tell me how bad I was for not giving a proper answer and i have enough rep to comment and I should know better.
So I responded to him (my first mistake) and told him that my answer was intended to get him going and most likely he wouldn't need any more help but that I was going to update it when I got back to my computer.
Well he didn't like that and continued to berate me for my unbelievable behavior.
I then said that if he was that upset, then report me, or even better how about he actually answer the question instead of being a fuckwit to others that have tried.
I also said that I thought that SO and development in general was not about being given the answer but by finding it yourself and actually learning something and that sometimes you need to be pushed it the right direction to find the answer which is what I did here.
Well he disagreed with that too and downvoted my answer which by that point had been updated (like I said I would).
I just don't get it, what is wrong with these people and why has SO become such a toxic place?
I want to give back to the community and help others like people have done for me over the years, but then fuckheads like this just ruin it and make you not want to be a part of it anymore.
Then I come here to devRant and everyone is so nice to each other, you can see the respect.10 -
At Uni, I went from being the only programmer, to the programmer, designer, scene builder, main script writer, minigame designer, project manager, music composer, UI designer and fucking everything else.
We had a team of 4 people. The artist was great and dedicated, the production person was motivated, but lacked any technical skills and my useless fuckwit of a friend wrote literally 3, 2 note midi sound effects in 6 fucking weeks.
Thank fucking god the coordinator and a mate of mine who we got to do the animations, saw the amount I had carried and both led me to getting 2 jobs in the industry right after graduating.4 -
FUCKING FUCK JAVASCRIPT AND IT'S FUCKING 10000 DEVDEPENDENCIES.
LET ME FUCKING CODE AND WRITE TESTS AND NOT SPEND FUCKING ONE FUCKITY FUCK WEEK TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO FUCKING MAKE MOCHA AND KARMA PLAY WITH FUCKING ES6 CODE YOU FUCKING FUCKTARD PIECE OF SHIT TECH.
I NO LONGER FUCKING KNOW WHICH PACKAGES I FUCKING NEED AND WHICH I FUCKING DON'T FUCKING DUMBFUCK FUCKWIT OPEN AND HACKABLE MY BROWN ASS PIECE OF TECHNOLOGY STACK.
8 -
MARKETING FUUUUUCCCKSSSS!!!
The fact that I publish a contact email address on my GitHub profile for email about my fucking GitHub doesn't justify sending me unsolicited shit!! I get that you want your product out there, I get that you don't want to pay for.. you know, regular fucking advertisements, just like everyone else, because your product is entitled to special treatment, right?!
Let me tell you something, Yaren Sahin. Just like with Clark from InVision and the Chinese motherfuckers with their injection moulds from earlier, this is a clear reminder for me to avoid your unethical business like the plague! Fucking piece of shit!!
(better quality screenshot: https://i.imgur.com/ZL3ebFZ.png)
Which by the way I'm actually legally allowed to upload, because this email was unsolicited. You know, because unlike those marketing people I happen to know the laws a bit.
4 -
I'm a tech lead for a digital agency.
Digital agencies are universally known for being shite. Why? Because they typically push through sub-optimal code with very little testing over tiny deadlines for maximum profit. Maybe I've just had bad experiences but this is the 5th digital agency that I've worked at that does this bollocks.
I am currently sitting on a Teams call at 8:39pm because the fuckwit project/account managers are unable to face up to the big scary client and ask them terrifying questions like "Is this bug a blocker for the deployment?" or "We don't have enough time to fix/change these things, can we delay another day?". They just assume that A - We will work into the evening, and B - that all the issues are P1 and that we should all 'pull together' as 'team players' to get this done in time.
No, Me and my team have to work into the evening for seemingly free because these pricks can't do their jobs properly.
The funniest thing of all? When I speak to the CTO about overtime payment he tries to make me feel bad about "we don't typically pay for overtime..."
Fuck Everyone.
Time to find a new contract.11 -
Worst part of devving? Handling fucking time. GMT, EST, daylight savings, DHCP settings overriding the actual time because some fuckwit runs a server incorrectly, dealing with Voip phones and their super flaky time profiles. Fuck time.4
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Recap: https://www.devrant.io/rants/878300
I was out Thursday at the Hospital. I'm what the doctors would call "Ill as fuck"
So, Friday I’m back in the office to the usual: "How was that appointment?"
I know people mean well when they ask this. So, I do the polite thing and tell them it went as well as it could.
Realistically it does't matter how well it went... They haven't cured Crohn's because I showed up to the appointment. They know I'm fucked already.
But, push it down, add it to the future aneurism.
I had to go through the usual resignation meetings with managers:
"We"re fucked now you're going"
"yep"
"we need to get a handle on how fucked"
"already done that for you, here"s a trello board, very fucked."
"we need to put a plan together to drop all the junior devs in the shit with the work you’ve been doing"
"You need about 4 devs, please refer to the previous trello board for your plan"
Meanwhile, me and Morpheus are in constant communication because all of this is like a Shakespearean comedy.
So, I overhear a conversation between a Junior Dev and the Solution Architect.
[SA] took over the project because he knows better than two tried and tested senior devs -_- (fuckwit).
JD: "It took me one and a half days to build it out"
SA: "Yeah, it must have taken me twice as long... It must be a problem with the project, you should just be able to check it out and run it."
JD: "I know, it has to be wrong"
All of this is about Morpheus' work of art, of an Ionic 3 hybrid app.
I fumed quietly at my desk because I've been ordered by the Stazi to be hands off.
Since Morpheus and me were pulled from the project [JD] and [JD2] were dropped into it to get it over the line.
It"s unfortunate and I was clear and honest with my advice to them: I personally would not take over the project because I"d be way out of my depth... Oh, and the App works, so uh, there's no work to do.
They have been constantly at our desks. Asking fuckdiculous questions about how to perform basic tasks. So they can get Morpheus" frigging masterpiece to the user.
It"s like watching that touch up of jesus that got borked by an amateur. Shit I have google, it's like watching this happen: http://ti.me/NnNSAb
[JD] came to me Friday evening.
"I can’t get this to build to iOS or install on [Test Analyst]'s phone."
Me: "No worries brother, where are you stuck right now?"
[JD] describes the first steps with clear indication he hasn't googled his problem.
Life lesson: http://lmgtfy.com/?q=lmgtfy
Que an hour of me showing [JD] how to build an Ion3 project for iOS. Fuck it, your man's in a bind and he"s asked politely for help. I can show him quicker than he can read 3 sets of docos.
I took him through 'ionic cordova build ios', the archive and release processes in XCode 9, then the apk bundling process for droid. Finally we have an MAM so the upload process for that too.
All the while cleaning up his AppIDs, Profiles, deployment attempts.
Damn they were a mess.
I did this with a smile on my face, not because I could say "I told you so"... But. because when any developer asks you how to do something. If you know how to do it, you should always be happy to learn them some new tricks!
Dude's alright, he's been dropped in the shit. Now I know how badly so I'll help him learn things that are useful to his role, but aren't project specific.
As a plausi-senior dev (I'll tell you about that later); it's my job to make sure my team have what they need to go home smiling!
I’m not a hateful fucker, the guy asked me an honest question so I am happy to give him the honest answer.
I took him through it a few times and explained a few best practices. Most were how to do his AppID and ProvProfile set up. Good lad, took it all on board.
However! In his frustration, he pointed the finger at Morpheus' "David" (ref: Michelangelo).
He miraculously morphed into a shiny colourful parrot and fed me SA's line:
"you should just be able to build from a clean clone"
My response was calm and clear:
"You can, it took me 20 minutes on Thursday evening. I was bored and curios, so I wanted to validate Morpheus' work. Here it is on my iOS device and my Android device. It would have taken me 5 if my laptop wasn’t so horrifically out of date."
I validated Morpheus' work so I have evidence, I trust that brilliant bastard.
I just need to be able to prove it's good.
[JD] took this on board.
Maybe listening to two tried and trusted senior devs is better than listening to a headstrong Solution Architect.
When JD left for the weekend I was working a late one (https://www.devrant.io/rants/874765).
His sign off was beautiful.
"I think I can happily admit defeat on this one, it can wait until Monday."
To which I replied: "no worries brother, if you need a hand give me a shout."
Rule 1: Don't be a cunt.
Rule 2: If someone needs help and you can give it: Give it!
Rule 3: Don't interrupt James' cigarette time.
Rule 4: goto Rule 3.4 -
Designing a new software product: 1000 hours
Designing a logo and picking a color scheme that pleases everyone: 689236323447876 hours1 -
Great, it's not one security flaw, but two!!
One's a flavour of ice-cream and the other is the title of a James Bond movie.
Bloody FUCKWIT(s)!!7 -
Super important prospective client: Yes but can your software application do that thing?
Me: Yes, yes it can do that thing.
Prospective: Great, fantastic thank you please take my money.
Me: Awesome.
Me: *runs away to implement that thing*
Please have my tombstone read "sales-oriented software" as cause of death.3 -
Well fuck me sideways with a rusty lamppost.
Got assigned to a project at work, kind of a biggie, my first actual large project. Been working there since last year, done a lot of research in my spare time and felt like I deserved it or something.
But then...
A few weeks ago I posted a rant about a fuckwit that can't even type 'ssh' in a terminal and doesn't know how a basic database system works.
Guess what.
Yeah.
Exactly that happened.
Because of his overconfidence and big mouth he got assigned to the project as well.
He planned a pitch. Stole my words.
He hasn't proven himself in any way and always needs help. Always. And I don't have a problem with people asking for help, I actually tell people not to be afraid to ask if they don't know something.
But I do have a problem with people laying back at work and asking 7 different people how to open a terminal.
Why does this happen? Just why?4 -
Wanted to open the door to the outside word and see this fucker just sitting at eyelevel a few centimeters away from my face... I'm awake now.
And don't worry he lives his live outside now.
18 -
Why does CSS never work the way you'd expect? All I want to do is align something to the bottom of a div. No. Will not happen. You'd think it might be something simple as 'v-align' or 'align: bottom' or 'fucking put it at the bottom: now;'
No, it's never that simple. I try every result I can find from googling. Nothing. Simply does not work.
How about trying to keep a div to a square when you resize the page? That should be simple? height = width right? Fuck you. Ha hahah, no you have to implement some horrendous arcane hack involving fake elements and other bullshit.
You finally fix one thing and everything else you had working is now broken.
...and then some fuckwit comes along and goes "Oh, CSS isn't hard..." and it takes everything you have not to beat them to death with your rubber duck.
What the hell is wrong with CSS? It's not even programming! It's just pure, sadistic hell! FUCK CSS!!!!14 -
At a certain client, was asked to help them with an "intermediary" solution to stopgap a license renewal on their HR recruiting system.
This is something I was very familiar with, so no big. Did some requirements gathering, told them we could knock it out in 6 weeks.
We start the project, no problems, everything is fine until about 2.5 weeks in. At this point, someone demands that we engage with the testing team early. It grates a little as this client had the typical Indian outsourcing mega-corp pointey-clickey shit show "testing" (automation? Did you mean '10 additional testers?') you get at companies who put business people in charge of technology, but I couldn't really argue with it.
So we're progressing along and the project manager decides now is a great time to bugger the fuck off to India for 3 months, so she's totally gone. This is the point it goes off the rails. Without a PM to control the scope, the "lead tester," we'll call her Shrilldesi, proceeds to sit in a room and start trying to control the design of the system. Rather than testing anything in the specification, she just looked at the existing full HRIS recruiting system they were using and starts submitting bugs for missing features. The fuckwit serfs they'd assigned from HR to oversee this process just allowed it to happen totally losing focus on the fact this was an interim solution to hold them over for 6 months and avoid a contract renewal.
I get real passive aggressive at this point and refuse to deliver anything outside the original scope. We negotiate and end up with about 150% scope bloat and a now untenable timeline that we delivered about 2 weeks late, but in the end that absolute whore made my life a living hell for the duration of the project. She then got the recognition at the project release for her "excellent work," no mention of the people who actually did the work.
Tl;Dr people suck and if you value your sanity, you'll avoid companies that say things like, "we're not in the technology business" as an excuse to have shitty, ignorant staff.6 -
One of our existing clients who used to pay for two of our products but now only pays for one just called us. The one he canceled is a loss prevention product that tracks internal theft in stores. He canceled it because he didn't feel it was worth it.
Now, he's calling us from a police station because he's trying to press charges against one of his managers because they were presumably stealing from him.
"Hey I need to know how many times this person stole from me over the last few months and I need to know it now because I'm at the police station."
With just a few clicks that would be an easy figure to retrieve for him had he not canceled our product.
My stance is he can get lost. I don't even think he sees the irony of canceling because "it isn't worth it" and then "asap" needing the data that the "worthless" product provides. Of course, he wants it without reactivating the subscription.
Unbelievable.5 -
So, you ask me for a quote. You know nothing about the technology or the problem, but you think the quote is too high.
On what fucking basis are you assessing the quote? On the number of words? Font? Whether your spouse/cat hates you (both do). Basically, whatever I said, you'd have said it was too high, right?
Fuckwit.
Next time *you* tell *me* how much you have to spend and I'll tell you what you can get for your budget.
Maybe a coffee and a small cake.
Don't fucking call me again.2 -
Fried from working all day, not long after getting up and doing something else the itch returns.
Coding is a drug and we're all addicts. -
There was a pretty big bug that I spent all day trying to pinpoint. It was getting really late, so I called it a night and went to sleep.
That night, I dreamed that I was still at the computer, debugging. I kid you not, in the dream I both found the bug and realized what the fix needed to be. In that moment, I woke up.
I ran straight to the computer down the hall, and sure enough, that was the issue and that was the fix.
Shoutout to the capabilities of the human brain.
Thanks, brain!4 -
The last several weeks I've been coding at 100%, most all day and well into the night. Today, I just can't.
Things I have done today:
*Watched Netflix.
*Walked around outside a bit.
*Let my 18 month old daughter type all over my code
* Closed mysterious dialogs and menus daughter opened up that I couldn't open if I tried
*Watched the Mets score 10 runs on the Phillies in the top of the 5th inning
*Browsed devRant
*Stared at stuff
* Cleaned up a few thousand emails out of my inbox
* Added filters to never see them again
* Noted impending deadlines on the calendar
* Stared at more stuff
In the meantime so many more ideas have come flooding in on how to proceed with these various features I'm working on. Can't even run from work.
So, no such thing as laziness, because apparent laziness is also productive. The exhaustion becomes doubly frustrating because there's just no way to physically keep up with the breakthroughs.
I'm still just staring out the window. It's raining now. Today is done.
7 -
I live in the USA. Recently moved to a new state. Contacted car insurance company to change my policy to the new state.
Upon doing so, I was told about a new program they have where you install an app on your phone that monitors your driving. It gives discounts to your premium for driving safely.
Intrigued, I decided to try it out. At the end of the month, my discount was TWO DOLLARS.
Uninstalled, not worth the surrender of personal information that they profit off of in addition to my premium payments as well as the drained battery every day.
Disillusioned, again.
Has anyone else had experiences with similar discount programs, and was it worth it for you? Maybe I’m just a shitty driver ;).17 -
ChatGPT4: if you liked getting "wireframes" from fuckwit sales people, you're going to love getting "code" from them.6
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YouTube, why the fuck do you put ads at the end of the video? Who's gonna watch those?! I'm not a marketer but I do know that people watch ads in expectation of something better. Who.. who the fuck thought this would be a good idea?! Fire that certified piece of shit marketing cunt already! What the fuck is even wrong with you nowadays Google?! Pinnacle of tech company my ass.4
-
Fuckwit tried to lecture me on clean code.
Checked his work, it seems like he writes the spaghettiest spaghetti I've ever seen. Who would have guessed it. At least he knows that something called 'clean code' exists.5 -
Fuck recruiters, they are the scum of the earth. I just had one contact me out of the blue about two opportunities with companies I'd never heard off. As I knew nothing about the companies I started asking questions around who they were and what they were looking to do. He suddenly gets all defensive and refuses to answer my questions, then follows up with an email accusing me of being an "underhanded recruiter" looking to poach his clients. Sorry mate, you got in contact with me you absolute fuckwit. Without people like us you wouldn't even have a bloody job you fucking vampire. For someone that supposedly specialises in the tech sector, I had to point out that if he really doubted who I was he could drop my name into StackOverflow or github to verify that im a developer. Recruiters - they're all fucking leeches.4
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Just received a job résumé for a software engineer position. The very first skill listed:
MS Word.7 -
It’s now day 4 into handing in my notice. Here's a recap of day 1&2. Here's the recap of day 0: https://www.devrant.io/rants/871145
I handed in my notice on Wednesday with a leaving date of 10/27/17:
> format_date('27/10/17', 'short', 'muurcan');
Thursday, I had an appointment outside of the office... I was called by a marketing guy at [popular graph database company] to try and wiggle his way into my org. I forget his name, so we'll call him Derek:
Derek: 'Hi James, it’s marketer at [graph co] here; I know you downloaded our free book two months ago and we reserved the right to call you constantly since. I just wanted to...'
Me: 'Hol up Derek! I don’t want to waste your time, thank you guys for the book.
I’d have happily paid to avoid these phone calls.
I’ve resigned from [company] before getting a chance to introduce [most popular graph database platform on google, for real, go check now].
Again thanks, but I’m no longer a useful lead.'
Life lesson learned: free doesn’t mean free, free books aren’t worth shit. Marketing people are lovely... but have an job to do so they’re also basically all cunts.
If you want to learn graph DB best practices from oreilly, pay the £7 and be done with it.
Don’t download that book! Derek will take your number and use it like you’re a young naive college girl with a golden pička.
Aside: I’ve met a new girl! I’ve rapidly learned Slovenian swear words. She’s a beautiful Slovenian girl and has the mouth of a sailor. Peace out to any of my eastern euro buddies on here. Privyet, serbus, stay frigging awesome.
I'll be following up on the tag 'jct resigns' for anyone interested.5 -
What a new years start..
"Kernel memory leaking Intel processor design flaw forces Linux, Windows redesign"
"Crucially, these updates to both Linux and Windows will incur a performance hit on Intel products. The effects are still being benchmarked, however we're looking at a ballpark figure of five to 30 per cent slow down"
"It is understood the bug is present in modern Intel processors produced in the past decade. It allows normal user programs – from database applications to JavaScript in web browsers – to discern to some extent the layout or contents of protected kernel memory areas."
"The fix is to separate the kernel's memory completely from user processes using what's called Kernel Page Table Isolation, or KPTI. At one point, Forcefully Unmap Complete Kernel With Interrupt Trampolines, aka FUCKWIT, was mulled by the Linux kernel team, giving you an idea of how annoying this has been for the developers."
>How can this security hole be abused?
"At worst, the hole could be abused by programs and logged-in users to read the contents of the kernel's memory."
https://theregister.co.uk/2018/01/...
22 -
Time for a soap box rant.
I just found this in one of our projects. I've simplified the example to make it more anonymous.
When I see code like this it automatically means there is a lack of attention to enumerations and/or understanding of what they are.
One may argue that in a certain execution of code it's a minor performance hit and therefore insignificant. It's still a performance hit. Furthermore, it takes even less time to do it the right way than it does to do it the wrong way.
Every one of these lines will enumerate the list from the beginning to try and find that one element you're interested in. Big O notation, people.
Throw that crap into a dictionary or hashset or similarly applicable data structure with direct reads at the beginning of your logic so that it only gets enumerated ONCE when the data structure instance is created. Then access it however many times you want.
Soap box rant over.
15 -
8.5 hours spent trying to figure out a race condition ultimately caused by this line.
There really are no words.
11 -
I get angry every fucking time when I see such method signature:
method(int, int, int, string, string, string, string)
Sounds scary, doesn't it?
Nah. That's the reason our IDEs are so complex. So, I change this and put proper data value/struct class instead, just to make this much readable and understandable for everyone.
And, every time there is a fella that asks this utterly stupid question:
What about performance impact?
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa fuckyutitititiigig
And. I. Have. To. Run. Performance. Tests.
Because noone understands performance and computers so I have to prove there is nothing to worry about.
I know when I will go somewhere else I will have to again prove some fuckwit that web applications are so complex already, so adding a new data structure doesn't impact its performance.12 -
So... Heard back from a recruiter today. Lovely lass.
I’d passed over a submission for her tech demo.
The brief was basically just to create a small simple module that calculates shit, nae effort.
But, when the recruiter had me on the phone she said “I know it’s a silly small module but try and run it up like you would a production ready app”.
The job spec and recruiter were keen on me demonstrating TDD, not specific on js version, final runtime, etc. The job was a senior spec at a higher salary range. So it warranted some effort, and demonstrating more than a simple module.
“Okay, cool, nae bother, let’s crack on.”
The feedback in the response from the dev today:
“He’s over-engineered tests, build...”
SUCK MY LEFT TESTICLE YOU FUCKWIT.
Talk to your recruiters, not me.
The feedback included a phrase I never hope to hear from a developer I work with:
“Tests are good but...” 😞
It was a standard 98% test suite from an RGR cycle, no more or less than I’d expect in prod.
The rest of the feedback was misguided or plain wrong. It was useful to see because I know now when they say they have “high standards” they mean: we listen to the dude who put the factory pattern in a JS brief.
Oh shit also: “someone’s done chmod 777” was in there as a sarcastic comment in the feedback. It was his fucking unarchive tool 😞
My response was brief and polite: “cheers for the consideration, all the best, James”
It’s honestly not worth warning them. Or, asking why they’d criticise something they’d asked me to do.
If you want a shitty js module, ask for a shitty js module and no more.4 -
Around 11:30pm I honestly thought I was about done, but a series of production issues has kept me up until 4:30am. Solving one revealed another, and so on.
Finally, all is quiet.
Goodnight World.4 -
Had a scheduled call to interview a dev contractor. He told us any typing noise we hear is just him taking notes. Ok. After several questions the long awkward pauses, typing and furious mouse wheels make it evident he's a liar and looking up answers.
Still managed to tank the interview and wasted our time.
I sure hope that wasn't one of you guys.3 -
Omg, delegation to others feels like the last, most difficult skill to master. Letting go can be so hard.
Patience, me. Patience.3 -
Hours lost.
Visual Studio test adapter was failing out during the discover phase of the tests with a stack overflow exception, but that's all the information it gave me. The tests simply would not run.
Hunting through the code line by line, I eventually find this.
WHY IS THIS ALLOWED TO COMPILE
4 -
*coding, furiously, to sweet tunes*
*awesome new song comes on I haven't heard before*
*30 seconds in, saves to playlist*
*Song continues playing*
*....Removes from playlist*2 -
I have an Android phone. Pixel 2 to be exact, and I love it. Many family members and friends of mine have iPhones. To each their own.
Having said that, I absolutely HAAAATE the stupid iPhone feature that lets users react to text messages. Today all those iPhone users added me to literally 5 different SMS groups (which by themselves are their own sin), chatting up a storm all evening. I already hate group texts, please, leave me alone. But it gets so much worse when my phone blows up with twice as many messages because so-and-so "liked" this message, and so-and-so "laughed" at that message. It sends you their chosen verb alongside the ENTIRE original text AGAIN.
Such a stupid feature, leave Facebook on Facebook, why the hell do text messages need reactions? I don't give a shit that you liked or laughed or loved that so and so said they will be there at 9 o clock.
At least i have the ability to mute notifications for each group otherwise I'd be replying to every group text I get with a trolling big trigger item or something super inappropriate until they stop. Don't want this to continue? Stop group texting me, stop reacting to texts, and don't do it again.9 -
You may be familiar with work philosophy known as "they pretend to pay us, we pretend to work."
Or a favorite of mine "in this together" and passove aggressive work place signs about safety, inbetween being told to operate machines that have faulty safety mechanisms and almost took a guys forearm off last week, when the machine was supposed to be locked out.
Also dont let them blather on about being a "family", or any of the worse horseshit they spew.
I knew a women who would take those "hang in their" and other inspirational posters and burn cigarette holes in the eyes.
I didn't understand what her motive was then but now I know she was a revolultionary, a visionary even.
It's all lies. It's all "Human resources" department brand managament by neurotic executives and glorified coffee secretaries with 100k student debts for degrees in "humanities"--while lacking any humanity themselves, let alone brains or a soul.
And in between an army of overpaid middle and district managers, checking for the fifth time that day, if you have finished that tps report, or that ONE task you just started or finished. As if a little internal robot timer has told them, not that a task needs managed, but that the task, having been started and done, awaits their preternatural ability to know, and arrive 'just so', and justify (barely) the continued existence of their mediocre job and their mediocre lives.
And out of the woodwork of generations, like a horde of oblivious fuckwit melonheads, comes a tidal wave of these brush-mustached fucks, speaking in aphorisms and happy turns of phrase, while people increasingly dont show up to work be cause inflation has all but destroyed the future so many saved and worked for.
And the shelves gradually empty.
And the wheels grind slowly to a halt.
Because we will not accept the bullshit anymore about being in it together.
Not when a floor guy makes 15k a year, and a district manager makes 120k.
Raise your wages, or say good by.
We were never in this together.3 -
Just came across this gem. What's wrong with it??
Yes, the threat of SQL injection here is a legit response, but in this particular case that's not the answer I'm looking for.
Hint: This method gets called a lot!
15 -
I just spent an hour troubleshooting an error message which I perceived to have some kind of abstract meaning.
Overthinking idiot, it couldn't have been more literal.
After the fix to one stupid line, I quietly watch that hour of my life sail away on a sad river of anguish, never to return again.3 -
Hetzner Cloud
Very easy to set up. It is ready in just seconds. Very affordable prices. Billed by hours used. Hosted in Germany (or Helsinki of you want to) :D -
I'm curious to know how lucrative it is for the people operating those 0-points accounts to post spam comments on this kind of a platform. I don't know the exact numbers of course but I have to think looking for change in your couch cushions is a better return on investment.6
-
Went for a dev job interview in which the senior software engineer said this...
"Javascript is like Java but scripting"
I didn't say anything to this. I don't know if it was some sort of a test (even though I was in the middle of a 4 page test for them).
Evything text and every every reference I have ever seen about Java and Javascript is that they are nothing alike. What would others have said to this?
FYI - I didn't get the job. Which I am pretty glad about as I didn't like the software engineer guy, and I don't think I would have liked working with him. He had this fake friendly exterior but the fuckwit personality was shitting through every gap in his skin.... I just noticed I used the work shitting instead of shinning, I think it is suitable so I will leave it.1 -
I just feel that the Intel stuff going now has been in the past year.
Maybe the hackers found it, selled about 5 times in the deep web. Then one reported to the officials, and they are releasing a statement in 2018.
tldr Hackers want devs to go mad from the start of 2018.
a.k.a FUCKWIT3 -
[serious] I'm a Windows guy. Been so my whole life. devRant community, I'd like to start playing around with Linux. As someone who has never done that before, where should I start? We're talking total noob. Thanks in advance.8
-
People here working your own business or side hustle:
1) How long have you been doing it?
2) What kind of tech stack do you use in your product(s)?
3) Are you happy with your business endeavor or has the grass become greener elsewhere?
4) What is the most important thing you have learned from it that you wish you knew when you began?2 -
Spent all day refactoring lots of confusing code down to just a few lines. I am satisfied, frustrated and drained all at the same time.2
-
Not exactly vacation, but there was this nice-to-have feature in our application that I coded up in the hospital after my wife gave birth to our son. I wrote it during the downtime while they were both sleeping.3
-
Notifications are not being sent from github to slack. Ok. Looks like that legacy slack github integration that has been telling us its no longer supported for months has finally been deactivated.
Fine. I'll cave and upgrade all 45 of our repos to the new integration.
Thousands of clicks later, finally done.
*but wait*
"Notifications still don't work?"
That's when I saw this notice on github.
FML I want my hour back.
3 -
When I hit the endpoint from Postman it works. When I hit the endpoint from my application that pushes data to the endpoint it doesn't work, returning a 404 status code. I KNOW the endpoint is there and operational and that both Postman and my application have the same endpoint configured, letter for letter.
So lost. So confused. What the hell is going on.
I decide to install Fiddler to monitor the traffic to see if I can see anything helpful.
I initiate the request again from the application and immediately see that the request size is huge. BAM. It immediately hits me, the payload to the endpoint is too big and the server is "rejecting" it with a 404. I post a smaller request with the application and it works fine.
Yay, saved by Fiddler.
Why does the endpoint default to 404 in such scenarios. The definition of 404: "the client was able to communicate with a given server, but the server could not find what was requested"
In my case, the 404 returned was a red herring. I understand that the substatus code gives more information on why the 404 was returned, in my case the request size being too big, but 404 in general feels like the wrong status code to return because the endpoint IS there. It made me troubleshoot the wrong thing.
Thanks, IIS.4 -
Vacation starting tomorrow! I'm going to BlizzCon! How much do you want to bet I will be roped into doing some emergency work while I'm there??2
-
!@#GDSGA!Q@#@
In my absolute lack of genius, I just lost way too much time finally realizing that in C# linq-to-objects removes duplicates when you use Union().
At one point I knew this, but I forgot about it because I never want duplicates, slowly forgetting what Union() was doing.
*This time* however, the duplicates are required and it all goes to crap without them.
Save me, Concat()!
You can run but you can't hide from noobery.
Blahb;asdfabnahsdfa.3 -
To me, writing authorization code for securing APIs is like having to fold an enormous pile of laundry and actually putting it all away afterward. It needs to be done but I'm not going to enjoy it.3
-
I HATE the idea of only releasing on pre-determined schedules despite work being completed and just waiting for that day to arrive.
I'm a co-founder of a small software company. We have partnered with another particular company that also writes software. Some of our clients have access to paid content of that company's services through our application.
Every once in a while, our clients will report issues with that company's service to us, because they access it through our application. They think it's our issue.
We then pass the report on to the partner company, telling them that their stuff is broken. Their reply goes like this:
"Ok. We'll get the bug fix scheduled, and we'll release it next Thursday."
"Next Thursday? The issue is now, they can't use the service."
"That's our scheduled release date."
O.M.G.
We voluntarily walked away from our safe, cushy jobs working for other people, taking enormous pay cuts to start this company. Now, we're 6+ years in, disrupting established fat-and-happy competitors in this space. I GUARANTEE you that if we had that same attitude, we would have been absolutely obliterated early on.
We are quick. Guided by kanban boards, our suite of unit tests and integration tests is vast and kick-ass. With continuous integration and the click of a button we know if we broke something or if the piece we're working on is ready to be pushed to production, IMMEDIATELY. Our "release schedule" is when the damn thing is complete.
It isn't all bad. Our integration with them has been beneficial for both of us. I just loathe their snail's pace which negatively affects our mutual customers. It can make us look bad, and we can do nothing about it.
Blah.3 -
I see it evolving the same way it always has done. The technology will keep changing for the better and the best stuff will emerge on top.
You have a choice to fight the current of new technology that is always flowing by learning and adapting to what comes. If you don't, and you stay stagnant with your chosen tech and skill level, the current will eventually carry away your relevance.
It's natural selection. You have to fight or die. -
Is it wrong to want to watch the world burn because some fuckwit decided to make a library that matches the path of another library almost exactly, that also has classes named the exact same fucking thing, but that are incompatible with each other was a great idea? Worse is that some dev at my place decided to mix and match them, and then didn'tcomment it's use or fucking why they did it.
-
May IE burn in hell.
One time I was trying to get something positioned properly, and it worked on all browsers except IE. There was this little gap between two divs and I couldn't get rid of it. In desperation after hours of troubleshooting and lots of CSS attempts with no solution, I removed the whitespace from between the two divs in the HTML:
<div>...</div>
<div>...</div>
to:
<div>...</div><div>...</div>
And voila! No more gap when looking at the rendered page.
FML I hate you, IE.1 -
>Friday afternoon
>Have to seperate list of json
>Two hours. Can't do it
>Clock off for weekend
>15 minutes later, realise what a complete fuckwit I am3 -
The annoyance when you type something and butcher the spelling of a word so bad that not even spell check has any clue.1
-
Lots of hate towards Microsoft, and they go and do something like this:
https://blogs.msdn.microsoft.com/do...
I'm excited for these features. With existing .NET Core you can compile console apps natively to Windows/MacOS/Linux. WPF and WinForms soon making it to .NET Core will bring the ability to compile native GUI apps too.
Oh, and .NET Core is all open source. It's a beautiful, beautiful thing.6 -
So I was having problem logging in to slack. It seemed like their two-factor authentication was not working. So I kept on pondering and pondering. Then suddenly a light bulb was lit in my brain. I said to myself, "what would an ordinary muggle do? They surely will click on this contact us button and raise a ticket with them." So that's exactly what I did.
so after a while slack did sent me 16 text messages together as a sweet reward of my trials. I was happily working in Slack and then I realised they in fact did answer my ticket. The only thing is I just needed to log in to get the answer I need. I am happily reminded I wasnt the only fuckwit left into existence... -
Colleague: I'll write a stored procedure that does fully qualified database table path names to access data from the other databases and then do business logic with all of it in the same proc.
Me: That will be 600 lashings.4 -
Test A succeeds when run solo. Test A fails when run in conjunction with Test B. Obviously, some kind of messy state that isn't isolated per test.
I realize what it is, so I add a new feature to address it.
Test still fails, it had nothing to do with that.
I finally realize what it was. One liner fix.
Yay for a new (useless?) feature that isn't getting backed out. -
First, realize that trying to accurately estimate how much time something is going to take is akin to accurately predicting the future and that people who ask you to do it are stupid. Then realize that sales-oriented deadlines are the source of all that is evil. Then shift away from sales oriented software. Instead focus on selling existing features and new features on the roadmap have no deadlines, they're done when they're done. Then realize almost no workplace will let you truly do that because chasing the sale is all that matters despite the latest buzz word rhetoric. Then estimate enough buffer to give you a reasonable time to complete it without calling your abilities into question. Then finish it faster so you score points with management, but not every time because then they'll begin to expect it. Now you have leveled up in mind games, an unfortunate but necessary tool in the tool belt. Then hate on sales oriented software some more, rinse and repeat.
-
Sometimes I really hate offshore desktop support... yes I know Visual Studio 15 was installed, and works. But now Python tools was uninstalled in a forced update that corrupted my VS and now I can't install PTVS(not that I need VS has the vim emulator that I can install at work, it's a whole mess of weird security policies.) fucking hate windows and visual studio. Fucking listen what Im telling you the issue is. I need your dumbass to uninstall this shit software so I can do a clean install since the shitty as software management system doesn't so shit when it say's "uninstalling".
On a side note, this fuckwit just tried to explain what the screenshot tool and how to use it... it's only pinned to my taskbar and menu for shits and gigs since I don't use it everyday to tell the stupid data entry analysts I deal with to fuck off. -
Literally vs figuratively... That hilarious anecdote where something went derp did not cause you to literally die. You fuckwit.1
-
int main() {
char age = 0x14;
char tmp = 1;
while ( age & tmp ) {
age &= ~tmp;
tmp <<= 1;
}
return age |= tmp;
}1 -
Figured I'd play around with Linux for the first time. I followed instructions to create bootable flash drive. I then proceeded to lose an hour just trying to get Ubuntu to do something after booting from it. The welcome UI becomes unresponsive every time.
14 -
that moment when your internal repos are managed in composer and you have the `require` block set, but some fuckwit decided not to define their git remotes in the repositories, because 'thry are used only in applications where all required components are set'... Fuck your fucking fuck of a brain you fuck turd...
-
Does sending spam text messages really bring results? Omg, I bought a domain name once without paying for privacy and oh how I regret it. I can't imagine anybody ever being like, "Oh wow, thank you for reaching out to me with that product pitch, that's exactly what I was looking for, please, take my money!"
-
!dev
If you driving a FUCKing Peugeot 107, don't FUCKing start to tailgate me, m'kay?!
Especially not on the highway imbecile fuckwit!
Because, I know for a fact that the rusty boneshaking rattletrap, that you call a car won't be able to overtake anyway!!
FUCKing dork, safety distance heard of it?
I bet my left nut, that you draw your drivers license in legoland.1 -
My manager is still being an asshole to all our customers. I cannot stand him, or his bullshit corrective action/write-up he sent to HR. The entire team is frustrated with him and his personal vendetta against me has caused me to go full force, looking for new works and well as transferring teams within the company. Things are getting politically heated right now and I'm not sure how things will pan out. I wish our old VP of software didn't pass away last month. The new CTO is a total tool and fuckwit. He sees developers as subordinates who must always away managers. He hasn't talked to anyone on the networking team since being hired, or anyone on my team.1
-
What are the most important qualities you look for when hiring new devs? What are the biggest warning signs for you? We're gearing up for interviewing devs in the near future so I figured I'd ask the devRant think tank its thoughts on the matter.9
-
Fuck flutter fuckery
why tf arabic text keep fucking breaking and going to next line, wtf is this shit. I have spent soo much time on this fuckery.
fuck this fucker
4 -
Damn you nginx...
Let's say you have a simple location directive like:
location / {
auth_reques /auth;
index index.html;
}
location = /auth {
internal;
proxy_pass <...>;
}
Now guess how often nginx makes a subrequest to /auth.
Thats correct TWO times... "why?" you ask?
Well isn't it obvious that nginx hits the auth request, then rewrites the request to the index file, hits the auth request again because it's technically a different request now and then proceeds to hand out the file?
Thanks for documenting this. NOT6 -
Want to send an email? Sure thing, how about you configure first a DKIM, DMARC, SPF and some reverse DNS. Otherwise your mail can go fuck itself, because it won't even make it to the spam folder. Even if you do all these time consuming fuckwit tasks I might just mark your mail as spam. Because fuck you, that's why.
Sending mail to Gmail in a nutshell.2
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