Do all the things like ++ or -- rants, post your own rants, comment on others' rants and build your customized dev avatarSign Up
Get a devDuck
Rubber duck debugging has never been so cute! Get your favorite coding language devDuckBuy Now
Search - "buzzword"
"cloud" -> someones computer
"big data" -> lots of somewhat irrelevant data
"ai" -> if if if if if if if if if if if if if else
"algorithm" -> something that works but you don't know why
"secure" -> https://
"cyber security" -> kali linux + black hoodie
"innovation" -> adding something completely irrelevant such as making a poop emoji talk
"blockchain" -> we make lots of backups
"privacy" -> we store your data, we just don't tell you about it37
I was about to lose it yesterday.
C: "and on our website we want an AI chatbot that can answer common questions"
M: "that's not the same as AI sir, what we actually do fo-"
C: "no that's definitely AI, I've read up on AI. Are you so behind on the current developments?"
M: "actually AI is just a buzzword. Real AI is way more complex, an-"
C: "geez do I really have to be the guy here to teach you your job? Go read some articles on AI"
I got a colleague to deal with him after this.14
Buzzword dictionary to deal with annoying clients:
Dark web—Onion service
Data science—statistics done by nonstatisticians
Before an interview prepare a list of questions for them, they expect it!
My list to give inspiration:
Describe your company culture? - if the response is buzzword heavy, avoid.
What’s the oldest technology still in use? - all companies have legacy systems but some are worse than others
Describe your agile process? - a few companies I’ve interviewed with said they are agile but it’s actually kanban
Are developers involved with customers?- if they trust you to talk to customers you can infer trust to do your job ( I’m sure others will disagree)
Describe your development environment?- do they have such a thing as dev, test and prod?
These are the only ones I can remember but should give others a bit of inspiration I hope 😄9
- A buzzword that startup companies use when they can't hire a lot of people. Multitasking all the way sucker!7
COMPANIES DON'T NEED FUCKING BLOCKCHAIN YOU CAN JUST MANAGE IT YOURSELF. THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT OF BLOCKCHAIN IS SO NO ONE HAS CONTROL AND IF YOU MAKE A BLOCK CHAIN THAT YOU CONTROL THEN WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT.3
Wtf how am I seeing job postings for senior blockchain developers with 8+ years of experience? Aint this shit like super new??12
more buzzword translations with a story (because the last one was pretty well liked):
"machine learning" -> an actual, smart thing, but you generally don't need any knowledge to use it as they're all libraries now
"a bitcoin" -> literally just a fucking number that everyone has
"powerful" -> it's umm… almost working (seriously i hate this word, it really has a meaning of null)
"hacking" -> watching a friend type in their facebook password with a black hoodie on, of course (courtesy of @GeaRSiX)
"cloud-based service" -> we have an extra commodore 64 and you can use it over the internet for an ever-increasing monthly fee
"analysis" -> two options: "it's not working" or "its close enough"
"stress-free workplace" -> working from home without pants
now for a short story:
a few days ago in code.org "apscp" class, we learnt about how to do "top down design" (of course, whatever works before for you was not in option in solving problems). we had to design a game, as the first "step" of "top down design," we had to identify three things we needed to do to make a game.
graphics is literally a png, but what the fuck do you expect for ai?
we have a game right? oh wait! its getting boring. let's just sprinkle some fucking artificial intelligence on it like i put salt on french fries.
this is complete bullshit.
also, one of my most hated commercials:
"iot data and ai from the cloud"
yeah please shut the fuck up
I feel like the word "code" is way too overused and more of a buzzword. There are all these sites that say "learn to code using HTML in 2 hours!" Those titles are great for getting people interested but I feel like they hurt the "reputation" of the word.
There are so many people that come to me and say they are HTML coders and know the entire language. But then they can only make a site that says "hello world" with maybe a link and a colored background.
Also. Can these sites please explain that html isn't really programming and is more like fancy documentation? Html + CSS may be Turing complete, but they aren't programming languages and in my opinion, shouldn't be treated or referd to as such.
If the message you got from this is "ewpratten doesn't like front end web development" , you are wrong. I think it's great.
Anyways.. what are you guys' opinions on this?10
New company moved in above us... Slogan : Blockchain, AI, Augmented reality and banking apps.....
Dude come on thee must be a buzzword CEO4
this hurts. it really hurts. hey can you make x using <buzzword> with <buzzword> for less than minimum wage?
how about i hit you in the x using my <hard object> with <harder object> for free?2
There are many ways of development...
Test Driven Development.
Behaviour Driven Development.
Acceptance-Test Driven Development.
YOLO Driven Development.
But nothing in this world is so frustrating as...
Buzzword Driven Development.
As soon as your managers spot a new technology, it needs to be integrated...
For fucks sake... New is not always better.8
I can understand (to a point) when non-devs use meaningless tech "buzzwords", but please, as developers, can we just agree not to spout nonsense?!
"Electron is so amazing, it's such a lightweight framework!"
"Django is incredible, it's so agile!"
Agile is a family of development methodologies, and Electron is about as heavyweight as a desktop application can possibly get...13
OH MY GOD DID I JUST HEAR A .ai DOMAIN ON THE RADIO?!
this can’t be happening.
It’s such a buzzword that someone spent the millions required to get the tld ALREADY.
sudo save planet —from stupidity10
Warning:: Buzzword alarm!
I was doing smalltalk earlier and this guy asks me what I do for a living. me: I work for a company that builds software that is, among other things, able of giving your company prognosises how busy it'll be, so they can plan ahead. Him: ohhh, so like Big Data?
Me: *dies a little inside*... yeah, that's right! (didn't feel like having the talk with him at that point). No dude, not everything is big data 😥14
Just updated my LinkedIn summary, included "Design Thinking", "bleeding edge technologies" and "innovation-driven"...
What other phrases can you think of that only exist to play Buzzword-Bullshit-Bingo? :D6
Im going to my first IT conference!
By looking at the plan i already regret not getting the "Buzzword bingo"...
Machine learning? Check
Internet of things? Check!
Chatbot/Virual Assistant? CHECK!8
A jr colleague came back from a react.js code camp.
Those hipsters turned the poor kid into a one liner terrorist and buzzword spammer.
It's time to play bad cop and start enforcing line length limit.
Why the fuck are Indian software companies under the impression that interns are just junior developers that you are legally allowed to fuck over with shit/no pay. Internships are supposed to be about learning and growth. Every fucking company I apply for has some bullshit bi polar disorder because their requirements state one thing and they ask you other bullshit on the phone or at the interview.
How the fuck do you expect a college student to know React, Django, AWS, Angular, D3, Scala, iOS and whatever buzzword you assholes noticed were trending on quora?
And for fucks sake don't waste my time to call me and ask if I'd be available full time if I mentioned I can only intern part time.
WTF is wrong with these people.8
<just got out of this meeting>
Mgr: “Can we log the messages coming from the services?”
Me: “Absolutely, but it could be a lot of network traffic and create a lot of noise. I’m not sure if our current logging infrastructure is the right fit for this.”
Senior Dev: “We could use Log4Net. That will take care of the logging.”
Mgr: “Log4Net?…Yea…I’ve heard of it…Great, make it happen.”
Me: “Um…Log4Net is just the client library, I’m talking about the back-end, where the data is logged. For this issue, we want to make sure the data we’re logging is as concise as possible. We don’t want to cause a bottleneck inside the service logging informational messages.”
Mgr: “Oh, no, absolutely not, but I don’t know the right answer, which is why I’ll let you two figure it out.”
Senior Dev: “Log4Net will take care of any threading issues we have with logging. It’ll work.”
Me: “Um..I’m sure…but we need to figure out what we need to log before we decide how we’re logging it.”
Senior Dev: “Yea, but if we log to SQL database, it will scale just fine.”
Mgr: “A SQL database? For logging? That seems excessive.”
Senior Dev: “No, not really. Log4Net takes care of all the details.”
Me: “That’s not going to happen. We’re not going to set up an entire sql database infrastructure to log data.”
Senior Dev: “Yea…probably right. We could use ElasticSearch or even Redis. Those are lightweight.”
Mgr: “Oh..yea…I’ve heard good things about Redis.”
Senior Dev: “Yea, and it runs on Linux and Linux is free.”
Mgr: “I like free, but I’m late for another meeting…you guys figure it out and let me know.”
Me: “So..Linux…um…know anything about administrating Redis on Linux?”
Senior Dev: ”Oh no…not a clue.”
It was all I could do from doing physical harm to another human being.
I really hate people playing buzzword bingo with projects I’m responsible for.
Only good piece is he’s not changing any of the code.3
I'm getting so fucking sick of non-technical business people talking bullshit, nonsense, technobabble on LinkedIn, buzzword buzzword buzzword. Their mouths work so much fucking faster than their pathetic little brains, they should be put up for case study.3
Who the fuck decided that serverless computing is a good name for something that isn't serverless?7
The Cloud Of Bullshit
Every day I wake, and I think of my one true mission in life. To mock and ridicule paint huffing idiots. Something recently that drew my ire, like the hemorrhoids on my ass is this idea of 'the cloud', THE CLOUD and the buzzword lingo-bingo bullshit that providers use to hype and sell it.
For example, airtable is an amazing service. I love that I can insert just about anything into a row, create any of my own row datatypes, that it's flexible as all hell.
I love it.
And I hate that I'm essentially locked in to the cloud.
I fucking hate how if my internet goes down (thanks you pie eating inbred dipshits at comcast) I have no access.
If the company is bought, they'll shut down like all the rest , to be "relaunched at a later time" (or never).
I hate that if the company doesn't make enough money, or it's investors change their mind, woopsie, service is shut down.
I hate that the cloud is synonymous with massive data leaks and IOT-levels of stupidity in security practices.
Every time someone says "but its in the cloud! Isn't it amazing!"
I always think 1. YEAH IF IM AN INVESTOR I GET TO MILK LOW BROW FINGER PAINTING FUCKWITS EVERY MONTH like Adobe sucking the blood from infants who are still in college.
2. Why? So I can get locked into their platform, have them segment off previously free features (fucking youtube and the 'subscribe so you can continue playing audio with your screen off' bullshit), and then have fees increase month over month?
3. Why, so every four years during the presidential selection, if I piss off some fuckstick braindead lemming literally sucking his girlfriends BFs cock, they can potentially shut me out from my own data completely?
The Cloud is built on shit-colored hype sold to knob gobbling idiots, controlling idiots, profiting at the expense of idiots, and later fucking them for buyout payola. The Cloud is a Cloud of Bullshit shat out by huckster messiahs straight into the lapping mouths of fanatics worshiping slavishly like toilet drinking scum at the porcelain alter of a neon god, invisible, untouchable, and like a spigot, easily shut off without anyone noticing. And when it happens, I'll be there, shouting "WHERE IS YOUR CLOUD NOW?"
Native any day. 100% native or I don't fucking want it
None of this node.js-gone-native bullshit either with notetaking apps taking up hundreds of megabytes of ram, where everything is bootstrap or react, in a browser, in a window container, because people are so fucking incompetent we have to hold their hand WHILE they give themselves a reach around.
Native or nothing.
For my favorite notetaking app, I use Microsoft OneNote. "OH god, a heathen, quick, stick his body up on a stake!"
But hear me out. I'll be the first one in a crowd to kick bill gates in the nuts (not because I particularly hate microsoft, just because I think hes kind of a cunt).
So when I say onenote is good, I really fucking mean it. Sure they did some cunty things like 'dumbed down' the interface, and cut out some options. But you know what they can't do?
Shut down the damn service (short of a system update completely removing the whole app, which, frankly, wouldn't surprise me).
It's so god damn good it waxed my balls, cured my cancer, fixed my relationship with my father, found my long lost brother, and replaced ALL my irl notebooks.
It's so good that if it was cocaine I'd be hospitalized for overusing it.
So god damn good it didn't just replace all my notebooks, it even replaced and sped up my mockup process three to five times. Want layers?
Built in. Just drag an image on to the notebook to import instantly.
Want to rearrange layers? Right click select "send forward/back/bring to front/send to back".
Everything snaps to grid by default and is easily resizeable.
I had all the elements for a UI sliced and diced. Wanted to try a bunch of layouts. Was gonna take me two damn days.
Did it in three hours with the notebook features of onenote.
After I started using onenote, me and my bodypillow finally conceived even.
Sweet marries mammaries I just fucking jizzed. Thank you onenote.
P.s. It really did speed up my UI design, allows annotated images, highlighted text. Shit, it can even do kanban.
And all I can think is "good job microsoft making an awesome product for free, being dumb as fuck for not charging for it, and then not marketing it at ALL."
It was sheer fucking luck that I discovered it while was I was looking for vendor STD bloatware to blast off my new install.
OneNote: Worth a try even for the kick-gates-in-the-nuts fan club.
The cloud can suck my balls.17
A rant about pretentious people:
So last week I walk into college and I find that a new "Machine Learning Crash Course" is being offered by a senior. Now I'm a beginner in this domain, and know the just basic concepts and math behind it. Naturally, I was super curious about this and decided to talk the student who was supposed to teach the course.
I asked him where he learned from, and mentioned that I'm an interested beginner. He just replied, "YouTube".
Now I'm suspicious of this guy, so I asked him if he's worked on any related projects I could look into, to which he replies, "Not yet, but I'm working on some".
Now I'm SUPER suspicious. A guy that's got no experience with the subject, yet is teaching others about it?
Get this, at this point he rudely asks me if I have anything else to say. So I asked him a super simple question: "Do you know what gradient descent is?". He replies "Uhh, no, but I've heard about it".
I lost it.
HOW DID THIS GUY MANAGE TO CONVINCE THE HEAD OF THE DEPARTMENT AND SEVERAL OTHER PROFESSORS TO TEACH A MACHINE LEARNING CRASH COURSE?
People like him need to go away.
Serverless is like our Hoverboard. It's not "no server" and its not "a board that hovers".
Whoever comes up with these names deserves a medal for trolling the tech world.8
Caught up in a deathmarch project with buzzword driven, childish architects who treat devs like insects and brag about their non existant experience and achievements while imposing completely idiotic requirements and unrealistic milestones. I feel shit right now.1
Okay, I think I am losing it, how do you explain a distributed computing VM has to somehow execute code on some hardware at a point to a customer that is clearly a big ass bullshit eater/buzzword bitch?
Because if I can't, I may buy a plane ticket for Canada and an axe, and that is not for cutting lumber11
Fuck Udemy adverty. "You should learn this online machine learning course, it's taught by an 'expert' instructor, you'll learn algorithms in pythaan and 'arr, make robust models, add value to your business." Fuck off with your buzzword mumbo jumbo and just be straight with people, don't treat them like idiots.11
It's cute how most companies think that someone will take the time to personally hack them. Like nah mate there's countless bots running around the internet like a rabid pack of dogs sniffing ip addresses and running exploit, one of the stragglers will pick you off...
Microservices is a buzzword and everyone is using it to modernize their company and themselves.
Add a cloud in the context and boom, you are equivalent of some Tech gaint.
Well then, if you say so why don't you implement or try to implement in proper way. Use the right tools, "opensource" if you have heard of it has a ton of stuff right for the job.
But no, all you do is write the same old services in Java, put a label of "cloud native" and stick it out so proudly that clients think "oh a new shiny thing".
Putting out poster of "Immediate job requiment for Microservices" and staring blank when the candidate tries to explain how the Microservices work, but you know only about EJBs and you are sitting in interview room wondering what he is really talking about. I dint hear a single word of Java because that is all I know. Then finally rejecting the candidate because he dint say EJB in the interview.
The point is, some shit people don't want to improve themselves nor let anyone improve. Fear of being replaced by a younger generation of developers has plauged the seniors in ways no one can think of.4
How the fuck is CLI a skill for job seekers?! And what's a Toolbox?
Apparently, recruiters write any Buzzwords they hear of! CLI is not even a Buzzword. How did it get there?5
Recently I receive a ton of mails from cool/hip/rockstar startups. They all run like this:
"We are a innovative Startup based on a [insert some random stuff or buzzword] blockchain! If you're a student with skills and experience in blockchain, machine learning and AI willing to change the world with our sick technology and make it a better place..."
The best thing about this: since they are a innovative Startup they expect you to work for free.
But who am I to judge something so brand-new and innovative. I contacted them to find out what these dank innovations are about.
They can't even explain what a blockchain is or the basics of ML and AI, they basically just want someone do it for free...
It's still ok since no one is gonna fall for this bait... this morning a friend of mine told me he got a new job... and he even can work from home...
I'm not even mad, I just feel sadness and sorrow specially for him, because he is a good dev and accepts big times underpay and now free work, because he thinks a day off in his CV will lead him to be unemployed 😭
Fucking hate it how people successfuly manipulate kids and youth to them to work 24/7 for minimum wage or even for free and some other douchebags trying to take advantage of this 😡1
Seems like the buzzword for non tech these days is... API. Probably only used 10% of the time in context.1
In cour company we need an online dashboard that monitors logfiles from various interface processes.
My collage and me, the newest company members (for almost 2 years) get the task to build this and get it presented as some intern project where we can try out some more recent technologies/frameworks.
Now in the first meeting our senior team leader told us we shoeldn't use the noew hot buzzword js frameworks.
Reason? They are not proven and wil probably lose popularity next year and we don't want to migrate everything every half year. Plus he had negeative experiences with Angular in some project he had to work on, probably just because his limited JS skils.
So he wants us to use jQuery to build a modern web application.
I get it you don't want to migrate to TheNewHotThing(tm) every year. Guess what? You fucking don't have to. If I build sonting in Vue.js now, it won't stop working when a new framework comes along.
Look at our own fucking ASP.NET Web Forms prooject, that stil works. Just don't deny the usability of modern frameworks.5
Smartphone manufacturers these days, imagine how meetings to come up with ideas for new products go about.
Product manager :ok people,what can we do to make our next smartphone 'different'.
Employee 1: let's add more cameras
Employee 2:Let's kill the notch
Employee 3:Let's include the buzzword AI in all of our marketing
Employee 4:Let's put 8Gb of Ram in our phone
Employee 5:Let's just do all of those things and also give it a screen with a ridiculous aspect ratio and unnecessarily high resolution.3
You always think of the young buck, fresh-out-of-school hotshot devs as being the ones who are obsessed with chasing the Hot New Thing at the cost of stability and maintainability, but our head of front end is old enough to be my father and he's only getting worse and worse about forcing buzzword compliance on the company. New framework every six months. New language every two years. Containers on VMs on cloud boxes. I've got milk in my fridge that's older than our tech stack and probably twice as stable.
Apparently age only brings wisdom if you're capable of giving a fuck.6
MarSecOps: "Marketing Security Operations, the idea is that security is not just the realm of website developers or the IT department anymore, but rather the marketing department has an equal if not greater interest in, and even responsibility to security."
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK? The marketing dimwits responsible for security? Whose IT competence ends at Powerpoint drivel?!
I LOLed so hard that I could have shat a cactus!8
Reddits /r/webdev is such a shithole. It is filled with bad practice and buzzword sharks most of them have 0 knowledge and trending topics are nearly always wrong or the most generic bullshit someone found on medium.
Fuck reddit, im happy i deleted my account there.6
Ever feel like your boss is playing buzzword bingo with your project?
We have new project. Buzzword bingo words for us: microservices and cloud. We're moving our old, big, monolithic app to microservices.
And very strong demand that we keep all nasty solutions gathered in there for the last 10+ years working.2
Anyone looking into how A.I. can improve language learning courses (and obviously, speech recognition) and such?
I know, A.I. buzzword, but I think it's applicable here..
Who is actually coding A.I. right now anyway? anyone?6
Nothing shits me more than being interrupted every two hours for a "huddle". Shove your buzzword up your ass and fuck off so I can actually get some work done. What am I currently working on? The same fucking thing I was doing before you interrupted me again for a status update.2
The random feature request using buzzwords
Can we have picture-in-picture mode for devrant?
Ok I will rest in peace now good night!1
"Mobile optimized" themes, templates, websites etc that are looking completely broken on an actual mobile device are fucking ironic, especially those "css framework" websites.
When your 'business-minded' friend tells you that you'll never be able to understand and see the future and the power of [buzzword] because you only know how to code...
... and then comes to you an hour later telling you that Bitcoin and blockchain is the same thing & will change the world because he read it somewhere on techcrunch1
tl;dr: "Hey everyone plz look at me! I'v rebranded 'Vanilla CSS', look at me plz!!!"
...How to create a buzzword, lesson 1 :
Make a blog post about your freshly-pooped buzzword and start that same post by some poorly crafted pseudo-meta-thinking about buzzwords, just enough to try hard enforcing the idea that we still don't have enough of these bullshits and so yours is needed even if it's totally useless.
So, I work as a sysadmin junior (6 months and going), and in the past few months, I learned what my boss warned me about - Devs don't understand us admins, and we don't understand the devs.
We have this huge client who is about to migrate to our company (We do mostly server managment/Housing/Renting), and I am so gald I don't have to work on the migration myself!
Just hearing what the company devs say makes me facepalm: No, it won't work. It cannot work on just 3 machines (They use like... 20 in total), no, we won't get rid of our docker swarm, that's essential (Doing the absolute minimum in their infrastructure, just a fancy buzzword to lure people on. Though they've spent like 2 years developing the app that uses it, so they my not want to give it up).
I kid you not, once, they replied to an email that contained the phrase "To be afraid of/worried about" something during the migration, that something could break, not work, be unstable. 7 times.
Might not sound as bad, but it was a rather short mail, and when they're so afraid of everything, its kinda hard to cooperate with them.
My colleague literally spent this entire week mapping out /their/ infrastructure, because they were unable to provide us with the description themselves.
And as a cherry on top, they sent us a "graph" of relationships of all the parts of their infrastructure that was this jumbled mess of rectangles and arrows. Oh, and half of all the machines were not even in the graph at all! Stating that "We also have all this, but I really don't know how to ilustracte the interactions anymore"
Why do companies like that exist? If you build an infrastructure yourself, shouldn't at least someone know exactly how it works?1
Been learning more about crypto and blockchain (i know i know buzzword) but I mean I'm still a noob at pretty much everything so it was hard to find something that explains all that at a really technical level. BUT I then found www.cryptoeconomics.study
and it's been going great 😊
When a recruiter makes an unsolicited call. Becomes all chummy and then when you tell them that you’re not looking, they have the cheek to ask you for references for *insert common buzzword here* and expect me to divulge information about contacts.2
Has anyone seen a good use case for robotic process automation (RPA)? Seems to me like a new buzzword for 90's screen scraping technologies?!