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Search - "laughter"
So this happened last night...
Gf: my favorite bra is not fitting me anymore
Me: get a new one ?
Gf: but it is a C already.
Me: get a c++.
After 5 sec i bursted in laughter, she was confused.24
Sit down before you read this.
So I interviewed a guy for a "Support Engineer" internship position.
Me and the team lead sit down and are waiting for him to enter, but apparently he's actually making a coffee in the kitchen.
This isn't exactly a strike since the receptionist told him that he can go get a drink, and we did too. It's just always expected for him to get a glass of water, not waste 3 minutes brewing a coffee.
In any case he comes in, puts the coffee on the table, then his phone, then his wallet, then his keys and then sits on our side of the table.
I ask him to sit in front of us so we can see him. He takes a minute to pack and tranfer himself to the other side of the table. He again places all of the objects on the table.
We begin, team lead tells him about the company. Then I ask him whether he got any questions regarding the job, the team or the company . For the next 15 minutes he bombards us with mostly irrelevant and sometimes inappropriate questions, like:
0: Can I choose my own nickname when getting an email address?
1: Does the entire department get same salaries?
2: Are there yoga classes on Sundays only or every morning?
3: Will I get a car?
4: Does the firm support workspace equality? How many chicks are in the team?
5: I want the newest grey Mac.
And then.. Then the questions turn into demands:
6: I need a high salary (asks for 2.5 more than the job pays. Which is still a lot).
I ask him why would he get that at his first job in the industry (remind you, this is an internship and we are a relatively high paying company).
He says he's getting paid more at his current job.
His CV lists no current job and only indicates that he just finished studying.
He says that he's working at his parent's business...
Next he says that he is very talented and has to be promoted very quickly and that we need to teach him a lot and finance his courses.
At this point me and the team lead were barely holding our laughs.
The team lead asks him about his English (English is not our native language).
He replies "It's good, trust me".
Team lead invites him for an English conversation. Team lead acts like a customer with a broken internet and the guy is there to troubleshoot. (btw that's not job related, just a simple scenario)
TL: "Hello, my name is Andrew, I'm calli..."
Guy: *interrupts* "Yes, yes, hi! Hi! What do you want?"
TL: "Well, if you let me fi..."
Guy: "Ok! Talk!"
TL: "...inish... My internet is not working."
Guy: "Ok, *mimics tuning a V engine or cooking a soup* I fixed! *points at TL* now you say 'yes you fixed'".
Important to note that his English was horrible. Disregarding the accent he just genuinely does not know the language well.
Then he continiues with "See? Good English. Told you no need to check!".
After about half a minute of choking on out silent laughter I ask him how much Python experience he has (job lists a requirement of at least 1 year).
He replies "I'm very good at object oriented functional programming".
I ask again "But what is your experience? Did you ever take any courses? Do you have a git repository to show? Any side.."
*he interrupts again* "I only use Matlab!".
Team lead stands up and proceeds to shake his hand while saying "we will get back to you".
At last the guy says with a stupid smile on his face "You better hire me! Call me back tomorrow." Leaves TL hanging and walks away after packing his stuff into the pockets.
I was so shocked that I wasn't even angry.
We both laughed for the rest of the day though. It was probably the weirdest interview I took part at.39
Long but worth it...
So I was cleaning out my Google Drive last night, and deleted some old (2 years and up) files. I also deleted my old work folder, it was for an ISP I worked for over 2 years ago. After deleting the files I had a little twinge of "Man I hope they're not still using those". But seriously, it'd be a pretty big security risk if I was still the owner of those files... right? Surely they copied them and deleted all the info from the originals. IP addresses, Cisco configs, username and passwords for various devices, pretty much everything but customer info.
Guess who I get a call from this morning... "Hi this is Debbie from 'ISP'. I was trying to access the IP Master List and I can't anymore. I was just told to call you and see if there's any way to get access to it again" (Not her real name...)
I had to put her on hold so I could almost die of laughter...
Me: "Sorry about that Debbie, I haven't worked for that company for over 2 years. Your telling me in all that time no one thought to save them locally? No one made a copy? I still had the original documents?!"
D: "Uh... Apparently not..."
Another long pause
D: "So is there any way you can give me access to them again?"
Me: "They're gone Debbie. I deleted them all last night."
D: Very worried voice "Can... Can you check?"
This kids is why you never assume you'll always have access to a cloud stored file, make local copies!!
A little bit of background on this company, the owner's wife fired me on trumped up "time card discrepancy" issues so she could hire her freshly graduated business major son. The environment over there was pretty toxic anyway...
I feel bad for "Debbie" and the other staff there, it's going to be a very bad week for them. I also hope it doesn't impact any customers. But... It is funny as hell, especially since I warned the owner as I was clearing out my desk to save copies, and plan on them being gone soon. Apparently he never listened.
This is why you should have a plan in place... And not just wing it...
PS. First Post!27
HR: So .. tell us .. where do you see our AI acting in 5 years?
ME: Doing your job minus the stupid questions.
Boss breaks out in laughter.
"Oh boy you're hired"10
I had to go help marketing with a website UI issue today:
Me: What version of IE are you using?
Her: Oh my god! Did you say virgin?
Me: No, "Version".
Her: Hahaha you guys I thought he asked what virgin am I using!
*room erupts into laughter*
WTF is this high school?12
Hired a new backend Dev. He writes a script and sends it for testing...
Tester: "It's not working..."
Backend Dev: Goes to Mongo and deletes the tester's whole profile...
I cant control my laughter every time I remember this incident...He claimed it was a mistake, I don't think that it was a mistake...the tester had it coming...
"It's not working" that's all he says every time...I mean at least give me something to start with...!4
So I "grade" homework for programming 1 students...
Task was to produce an output like:
1 2 3
1 2 3 4
1 2 3 4 5
...and this was committed!
I really had to hold back laughter...
This looks purposefully obfuscated...26
At work today the guys showed me how I can listen in on calls so I can prepare myself for phone support.
We tested it through a call between two of the guys.
They started talking like "test test123 is this working"
I said yes and continued working behind my screen. They just didn't know I was still listening.
Both guys started saying stuff like "welcome to the sex hotline"
"hello and welcome to the *insert something sexual* hotline!"
One of the guys after a few minutes: why is your head so red?!
Wait.... Have you been listening along?? 😅
*everyone bursts out in laughter*43
Waiting for a bus. And there is a 14 year old smoking and looking after 3 10 year olds. She then gets them to role her 'fags' and then they all smoke. They are blaring rap from a speaker I'm annoyed everyone is annoyed.
They get on a bus full of elderly people.
Then I have my moment. I hear they are switching phone that the speaker is paired to, for different music. They even say the device name! I quickly get my phone search Bluetooth devices and pair. I connected all I could think was play the tweenies. And so I did.
They have hysterics of laughter, but I try act neutral containing my laughter. They keep saying they can't connect and that it's not their music. This went on for 10 or so minutes of them turning volume up and down. Until they catch on someone else is paired to it. I turn off my Bluetooth and get off the bus, you are welcome society.12
Senior : You sure you can do this job?
Me : Yea, it's easy, I just need to write a simple subroutine.
Senior : *Still sceptic* You sure?
Me : Yea of course.
Senior : *Walks away after sighing*
Me : What was that all about?
Fellow Dev : *Looking at my screen* Dude, you really need to start using the dark theme on your editors. It makes you seem more of a professional developer.
*We both burst into laughter* 😂8
My non techie girlfriend :) <3
She: Hey I am getting a new phone!
Me: which one?
She: Apple I phone
Me: oh cool!
She: yea I am really excited. I can't wait to have more space on my phone. I can't have anything on my current phone.
She: new phone will have a lot of storage space. Its going to be 64MB. Imagine all the things I can do with it now.
Me: Hey, the 90's called, they want their storage sizes back.
*hilarious laughter ensues*
Dat iPhone crowd doe. Android 4 life.13
Interviewing a candidate for a dev position.
Interview is over and handshakes commence.
After the interview we have a debrief in a room that has hand sanitizer in it (just coincidence).
I squirt some and it comes out like a rocket ship; getting all over one of his resumes we printed. It looks like jizz...
One of the head guys walks in a says:
“I hope he didn’t hand you the resume like that.”
To which one of our ops people, let’s call her Sara, says...
“No, leanrob just REALLY likes his resume!!!”
> I almost fucking died from laughter3
So I picked up my little brother (6th grade) from school.
Him: We had computer hour
Me: Cool what did you do?
Him: We programmed a game
Me: That's cool. In what language did you program?
I burst out in laughter because I didn't expect that answer.
I know I should have asked the question better.
After that I found out that they used scratch.8
The last two frontend devs I interviewed.
He had 15 some years of experience, but couldn't answer our most basic of technical questions, we stopped asking after the first couple.
Based on a technical test I got the impression that he couldn't distinguish between backend and frontend.
Which lead him to talk about arrays. I shit you not he droned on about arrays for five minutes.
"I have experience using big array, small arrays, breaking big arrays into littler arrays and putting arrays inside other arrays."
Never been in an interview situation where I've had to hold back laughter before. We refer to him as the array expert.
His technical knowledge was lacking, and he was nervous, so he just waffled. I managed to ease his nerves and the interview wasn't terrible after that, but he wasn't what we were looking for.
This was a phone interview.
It started off OK he was clearly walking somewhere and was half preoccupied. Turns out he was on his way back from the shop after buying rolling papers (we'd heard him in the shop asking for Rizla), and he was preoccupied with rolling a joint.
We started asking some basic technical questions at which point he faked that he'd seen a fight in the street.
We then called him back five minutes later you could hear him smoking "ah, that's better". After that the interview was OK, not what we were looking for, but not bad.
Top tip: If you require a joint to get through a phone interview, roll and smoke it before hand.17
I came from a village, we have animals (like a farm), pigs, chicken, sometimes duck and goose. One day I had to work from home, bc had to come back to parents house. Our daily skype meeting was like this:
* discussing very important IT stuff *
* grandma rushes into my room *
me: sorry, but i have a meeting
grandma: i just wan...
me: but i cannot right no...
grandma: just wanted to know if...
me: grandma, I cannot right now, we have a skyp... im talking with colleagues, on the computer
grandma: * quiet voice * okay, i dont want to interrupt, I just want to know - Did you ordered the ducks?
* what I hear in headphones: collegues and boss LOLd sooo hard *
me: ffs, what ducks?
grandma: did your father not give you the guys number?
me: * starting to sweat * what guy? no he didnt, i have no idea what youre talking about
grandma: * disappointed * then who gonna order them...?
grandma: * standing next to me, she hears the laughter * whats that?
since then, if im working from home every skype meeting starts with "Tommy, is your grandma there? HAHA!"7
Rekked/insulted a client so hard today in a way which was obvious for me/colleagues but not for the client that the colleague sitting next to me completely fucking lost it. (client did not detect/notice it)
That's entirely fine as he was not too loud but his laughter is so fucking contagious that he went outside to make sure that I wouldn't catch it any worse while on the phone.
God damn it took some serious self control to not completely lose my shit xD (it only partly worked 😅)19
Sister comes into my room
"Can you look at moms laptop, it stopped working I'm scared I broke it"
"Idk it just stopped working, all I did was install adobe flash player I dont think that could do it could it?"
Take a look
"EFI IPV4 0 (error code) failed to boot"
Weird. Enter bios
"Hard drive: [Not detected]"
Well, that's no bueno
Pop open back, hard drive is loose
Pfft, push that fucker back in
Boot -> works
"Mom is going to kill me I broke it im so worried" -> relieved laughter
The magical solution to everything.
It reminds me of the time when we were watching The Great Gatsby movie in honors English class. The the projector wouldn't work.
As a joke, one kid said, "try turning it off and turning it back on."
The whole class roared with laughter, until it actually worked. They stared at it in silence.3
I am fucking dying of laughter right now. 😁
Today I got a push message of the invoicing app I use from time to time and the message literally just said "lol" (without even the usual pre-fix of the app name or anything).
So after not figuring out where that could have come from and obviously theres no private messaging etc. in that app, I contacted support and they reacted surprisingly good and at same time hilariously good; they pushed now a team towards investigating that, as apparently I wasn't the only one.
I wonder who fucked up and literally pushed "lol" to thousands of people. 😂8
Today the inconceivable happened at the office. A rather attractive female colleague of ours asked if anybody could help her with a Java related issue.
Of course the majority of guys were more than willing to help.
A victor finally emerged. He went on to claim his prize by helping the fair maiden.
I shit you not we just exploded in laughter 😂7
Two mobile devs were talking for 10 minutes in this zoom meeting whether "the component on the bottom should be hidden, or made sticky".
I just could not contain my laughter any longer when they showed an animated mockup comparison, and the product manager yelled excitedly: "Oh yeah, I love the one where it's very visible and sticky! But could you make it bigger for me?"
Sorry HR. I will never become a grown up boy.6
The day I became the 400 pound Chinese hacker 4chan.
I built this front-end solution for a client (but behind a back end login), and we get on the line with some fancy European team who will handle penetration testing for the client as we are nearing dev completion.
They seem... pretty confident in themselves, and pretty disrespectful to the LAMP environment, and make the client worry even though it's behind a login the project is still vulnerable. No idea why the client hired an uppity .NET house to test a LAMP app. I don't even bother asking these questions anymore...
And worse, they insist we allow them to scrape for vulnerabilities BEHIND the server side login. As though a user was already compromised.
So, I know I want to fuck with them. and I sit around and smoke some weed and just let this issue marinate around in my crazy ass brain for a bit. Trying to think of a way I can obfuscate all this localStorage and what it's doing... And then, inspiration strikes.
I know this library for compressing JSON. I only use it when localStorage space gets tight, and this project was only storing a few k to localStorage... so compression was unnecessary, but what the hell. Problem: it would be obvious from exposed source that it was being called.
After a little more thought, I decide to override the addslashes and stripslashes functions and to do the compression/decompression from within those overrides.
I then minify the whole thing and stash it in the minified jquery file.
So, what LOOKS from exposed client side code to be a simple addslashes ends up compressing the JSON before putting it in localStorage. And what LOOKS like a stripslashes decompresses.
Now, the compression does some bit math that frankly is over my head, but the practical result is if you output the data compressed, it looks like mandarin and random characters. As a result, everything that can be seen in dev tools looks like the image.
So we GIVE the penetration team login credentials... they log in and start trying to crack it.
I sit and wait. Grinning as fuck.
Not even an hour goes by and they call an emergency meeting. I can barely contain laughter.
We get my PM and me and then several guys from their team on the line. They share screen and show the dev tools.
"We think you may have been compromised by a Chinese hacker!"
I mute and then die my ass off. Holy shit this is maybe the best thing I've ever done.
My PM, who has seen me use the JSON compression technique before and knows exactly whats up starts telling them about it so they don't freak out. And finally I unmute and manage a, "Guys... I'm standing right here." between gasped laughter.
If only it was more common to use video in these calls because I WISH I could have seen their faces.
Anyway, they calmed their attitude down, we told them how to decompress the localStorage, and then they still didn't find jack shit because i'm a fucking badass and even after we gave them keys to the login and gave them keys to my secret localStorage it only led to AWS Cognito protected async calls.
Anyway, that's the story of how I became a "Chinese hacker" and made a room full of penetration testers look like morons with a (reasonably) simple JS trick.9
Today someone called about issues with setting up email (they were hosting where I work) locally.
Fellow support guy spend half a FUCKING hour trying to explain it.
Throughout that half our, our activities existed of making gun-to-head gestures, sending meme faces back and forth (derps, fuckthisshitimout's, trololol's and so on).
It was hard to contain our laughter but damn he needed that badly 😆6
I get really tired of people shitting on php and getting greated with immediate laughter when I say I work as a full stack LEMP/LAMP dev. I work just as hard as you (ruby/python/node devs) do and feel like I make some pretty cool shit.
Why can't we all just agree we do great things with our tools and while I may use a different hammer than you, we still use the same nails!!!19
My boss is a grumpy 25 year oldish "Mr. I know it all". We all hate him for that attitude.
Just joining recently, the code base which I got introduced to was totally new and I was overwhelmed.
Boss told me to write an Sql query to wipe the table data. I being reckless wrote a query to wipe the table only and submitted it to my boss.
Few hourse later we were informed by our peers that a certain url was not working. On further investigating we found out that my boss carelessly copy and pasted my query and executed it which wiped an important table clean.
Now he doesn't talk to me straight and I can't look him in the eye because obviously I burst into laughter.
Job well done☺️2
Part 2 of my boss's stupidity
*Wait! Wait! Wait! What!?*
*You actually reinstated my class?*
Another late night and another set of pulls I needed to do in order to get caught up with the rest of the world.
I had just finished up dealing with a strange bug and had finally fixed it.
"I need to get caught up with my boss," I thought to myself.
I quickly git pull from my boss and a merge conflict occurs.
"Oh, ok that's fine." I say, "that's nothing too odd."
"Wait! Wait! Wait! What!?" I shouted inside my head
I couldn't believe what I was seeing, there was a huge chunk of code that was being completely replaced.
"You're actually reinstating my class?" I nearly shouted.
"What!?" my girlfriend shouts from the other room.
"Come here a second, let me show you what it is," I shout back.
She rushes in real quickly, and I point at the code that was being changed.
"Remember that really long ass rant I made about how my boss had completely removed all of my code because he thought it was spaghetti?" I said
"Yeah?" she replied quickly, visually astounded by my excitement.
"He fucking put my class back into the code!!!"
"Wow!... I guess you beat him, huh?" she said.
"You better fucking believe it, but you want to know what's worse?"
She cocked her head sideways, "what?"
"He fucking built it worse than my original! The names don't properly reflect what he is trying do and he's doing a failure job at trying to copy what I had done in my original. He clearly doesn't know about git revert" I said between bouts of laughter.
"This is too good, I'm putting this on devRant!" I said
"I'm not in the least bit surprised that you would." She replied back.
Really upbeat quirky music on full blast. That really gets me pumped up.
In my previous company, I had the best co-workers both technically and personally. So this one time we had a product launch scheduled and there was a shit load of tasks that had to be done before the launch. The entire team used to work for 18 hours straight almost daily to meet the deadline. Sometimes stress used to get the better of us, so to help ourselves relax, we used to play pranks on each other. Like this one time one of my friends had left his email logged in. Obviously we shot out a mail to the entire company group that I have become a dad. The funny part about this was he wasnt even married. So things like these used to keep us going and there was always laughter and fun going around.3
Things you can enjoy when working in an office with other people:
- listening to everyone chew gum with their mouths open.
- being constantly interrupted by coworkers asking for help, even when wearing headphones.
- getting distracted by someone bursting out in laughter of some private joke.
- having to take a break when everyone else does, because everyone is so loud you just can't focus.
- being hit on the back of the neck by a nerf gun bullet, right when you're most focused.
Why would anyone ever want to work at home?9
* Intern comes back to the same company after a year *
[Senior developer] : What did you learn last year at school?
[Intern] : I can develop any Android app now
* Opens his phone and clicks on an app *
* Only one page with text : "Hello World" *
[Senior developer] * drops on the floor in an attempt to hide his laughter *2
I think this is so far one of the most priceless WTF moments I encountered at my current work:
A coworker of mine came up to me explaining the problem he had with russian characters in the filename. He explained in detail that everything works ok (the other part of the code he was fixing) if he changes the name of the file to test1.xlsx for example which doesn't use russian characters. OK great.
Then he goes on to show me how he fixed the other stuff and of course everything blows up. The file he used for demonstration was of course the original file our cusotomer provided, he just deleted the obvious russian chars and left the rest.
МТС != MTC
I cracked up: but you still have russian chars in the name.
The guy: no way, I deleted them all.
Me: but what about that МТС in the name?! Guy: what about it?
Me: did you actually typed that in or you left it there?! Those are russian chars that are fucking things up for you.
Guy: no way, it's MTC.
Me: checked the logs, you have ??? In the filename instead of МТС..don't you find that at least a little bit suspicious?!
Guy: but it looks the same. How does it (the computer) know it is in russian?!? //Why doesn't it understand?!
O.o I still can't believe it.. Is it just me & my high standards, or should it be normal for coders to know things such as character encoding & stuff?!?
I almost died of laughter, he and some other guy had problems finding customers in the software due to not being able to type the russian chars << happened more then once before, even after I told them about a quick hack on how to use google translate onboard keyboard & other stuff to make proper chars so they can get a match..
I think when they bury me, I'll still be facepalming and laughing over this incident. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣7
First time showing my GitHub to some professionals, instant laughter and telling me that .gitignore exists... 3 years ago and I still feel embarrassed that happened.5
It is with a heavy heart that I said aufwiedersehen to my mom last night. She passed peacefully in her sleep, and is now resting in the fields and forests of heaven. She was born in 1932 in Hamburg, Germany, and at age 7 the world around her exploded into one of the most horrific wars that Europe or the world had seen up to that time. By the time it was over, she was thirteen, and had spent many of her formative years witnessing how low humanity can get in the treatement of fellow humans. She survived the post-war years, and came to the US in the late 1950's, and met my dad while in nursing school. She had four chidren, Tim, Chris, Tanya, and myself. She was a doting and caring mom, who dedicated herself to raising her children. She loved to cook, loved animals, especially dogs, and love human beings in general, and had a compassionate and kind heart. There is a small, empty space in the world that she filled, but heaven is a little brighter with her smile and her laughter. I miss you mom, but I know I will see you again some day. Aufwiedersehen, lieber Mutti! Wir sehen uns bald.15
Why is innumeracy acceptable in our society?
It riles me where I see something like a current affairs or political show, (basic) stats are presented and someone says "I don't understand statistics, but [personal story follows]"
And when a person says they don't understand numbers there's laughter and nodding.
Imagine if I was on a panel and someone handed me a sheet of paper and I said that I can't read big words. Would hilarity ensue or would they assume I wasn't qualified to be commenting on *anything*?
People, if you are functionally innumerate, it's not funny. You have a 5th grade, at best, education. Be embarrassed and get help.13
Late in the afternoon right before closing time I wandered into a lunch-having nice little place. There was noone and my sleep-deprived self ordered an espresso. The ~25yrs old barista was kind and smiling and while I was adding some milk to my coffee she suddenly asked:
'Are you an IT guy?'
In shock I said: 'Okay, yes, I do wear glasses and drink coffe, but how did you know?'
'I didn't, but... my printer isn't working at home, can you tell me why?'
At this point I bursted out in laughter and realized that to most people I am a printer fixer. We all are, aren't we?8
So we are in computer lab with some bitch ass c++ program on the board,,its approx. 150 sloc with lot of if's and else's...halfway into the session my friend rolls on his chair comes to my system asking for help, i say sure dude why not.
So we both roll to his system and that bastard has 0 indentation,a set of brackets for every if else even for non-compound statements with every bracket in a line of its own.......
With great difficulty of restraining myself from punching him in the face,,,i politely ask him"Have you ever coded in python"
He says no
I say "that was a rhetorical question"
Everyone around us bursts into laughter and that poor lad still has no idea what just happened
Python should be made compulsory for fags like these,, they'll know the meaning of indentation only then7
That moment when you show a funny devRant to your group of friends and you sit there crying from laughter while they just look weird at you because they doesn't know how to code. I think I need a new group of friends...5
Just went to the pet asylum to look for a cat. There was a shy black one (eh, maybe not a good first but Moar Blacker, Moar Better 😋) and a black and white one which was very open towards me.
Probably I'll get the latter, and build some food, water and litter dispenser systems for it with motors and my esp8266 boards 🙂
The lady who was volunteering there and showed me around had an interesting story though.
Apparently both of those aforementioned cats were wild cats (so they don't come from a proper household or anything). Except that black and white one which apparently came from some rather retarded people.. think average Facebook user.
According to her those previous owners came there with 2 cats including the black and white one as "extremely wild, we found them in the forest, put them in cages (because everyone carries cat cages in their car every day, right?) and brought them here". Nice excuse for average Facebook user level of retard I have to say 😜 but it's not very waterproof, you know?
But on average the people that they get there are even worse than that.. some get a great initial meeting with a cat, but then leave them there because they don't like the stripes on a paw or something stupid like that. As she put it: "you're not fitting pants in a clothing shop, are you?! 😑"
Had to try hard to not burst out in laughter from that description 😂
Point is, the average customers there are awful.. apparently she was very grateful to have a rather down-to-earth customer like me and my home supervisor (who helpfully drove me there 🙂) for once. So terrible clients.. they're everywhere!
It really taught me to be mindful of the hardships of people in any profession who deal with clients.18
Sometimes I daydream about just selling out and doing the whole diversity and women who code kind of thing. Apply for the big tech companies and work my way towards becoming one of the faces of their bullshit company. I'm gonna get a long wig, tan myself brown, and wear subtle native shit like a carabao brooch or some Cheongsam-inspired work suit. And when there's a big work event or party, I'm gonna go full on White Rose from Mr Robot, smiling and shaking people's hands like I give a shit. Gonna try to look wholesome and innocent, all I really wanted was a chance to get into tech as a humble being.
I'm gonna practice a strong accent and I would tell humble stories about where I came from, that god sent me here, and about all the struggles I had getting into the field as a woman. I'm gonna step up to the podium and say shit like, "Women can do it too, we can kuh-hode!" Then I'm gonna stir up some shit like, "Why is the terminal black?" Gonna make my voice and hands shake from intense emotion (visible anger, almost crying), "Why is something that we use to do our bidding black? Are we not over the years of slavery in the past? What does a terminal represent? Slavery. You know what else is terminal? Cancer. Slavery and racism are the cancers of our society. We must stop this. Terminals should be in all colors and it shouldn't be black by default."
1. Point out a non-malicious thing and add malice to it. The more racist and sexist, the better.
2. Mention something bad that is not related to it at all.
3. Make them seem related in an attempt to make a point.
4. Fail to make a point.
5. Say "we must stop this".
I'm gonna look straight into people's eyes with a serious face while cry-laugh-cringing internally. "As a brown woman, this makes me sad. I have Kubernetes skills, you know and it hurts me." If I catch some people laughing even though I'm also about to fart from internal laughter, I will point at the whitest male of them all. "You, do you think this is funny? Because this is my life, as well as millions of other people like ME!"
Then I'm gonna curse all of the white men who obviously only got into this field through violence. Yes, Mike, I know you pointed a gun at the HR to get in. What else could it be? All you know is violence because testosterone! You don't really know Kubernetes, I do, I set it up all the time for my thousands of hello world applications and yet here you are, just walking in with your white boy genes and your guns and taking all our jobs away. "What do you have to say for yourself? Shame."
Then of course, some hardcore social media "journalists" are gonna capture this on video and people are gonna ruin whoever man I pointed out's life and say shit like, "This big white man laughed at this little brown chick while she was talking. Sexism and racism in one video. This is why tech is so toxic." I'm gonna allow myself to get caught with a boner (big plastic white bottle) and people are gonna talk about how they didn't use a real woman as the face of their women who code thing. "I admit, I was born in a body that did not align with my desires but just because I have a penis doesn't mean I can't wear a Cheongsam. Also, the fact that you're pointing this out is discrimination and I had enough of that in my life. Shame. This is why tech is so toxic. You accept black terminals but not Cheongsam dicks. Fuck you."
I'm gonna keep ranting about big bad white men while dating one. Of course, people will find this out and point it out. I would flip it and say, "See? This is the problem. You look down on people like me because you're all racist. Just because I'm brown doesn't mean I can't date someone who is white. Sexist. Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I don't have a choice who to date."
I'll keep ranting about all the ridiculous shit, just calling people names every time they speak. Just shame them for no reason then after several years of collecting my diversity money, I'm gonna leak a porn video of me. A compilation of sucking white man dick with voice overs just saying "big bad white men" over and over again. Some really degrading porn kinda shit. "You know what else scales? My ass cluster. Yeah, baby, fill up my containers with your sweet, sweet, love juice."
God bless whoever hires me and make me the face of their company. They will be forever ruined.19
How can business majors be so gullible?! Who the fuck poisoned their minds with the app hype ?!!
Seriously my tears are 90% from laughter and 10% shame for humanity.
Friend: "Dude I'd like to consult with you the idea of an app...etc"
Me: "Sounds nice, got a business plan?"
Friend: "Yes, but well...you see... development has already started"
Me: "oh cool, how's that going?"
Friend: "well I already made an upfront payment of 2K dollars"
Me: "sounds kind of excessive for the amount of work...wait did you said upfront payment?"
Friend: "yeah, we calculated 30k total"
Me:"umm...that software must be...special...? Can I see it?"
Friend: "that's the thing, they haven't delivered"
Me: " did they give you mockups? A development plan? Demo? Anything?"
Friend: "umm no"
Me: "a god damn receipt?"
Friend shows me a piece of paper with the name of the guy and 2K written on it.
Friend: "he says he's been busy, I wanted your advice"
I blame Eduardo Saverin's fate and my friend's on college's failure to teach "real world assholes 101"6
New guy on the team, learning WPF.
He forgot to lock his computer when fetching coffee. I added a transform group in the main window and checked it in to Git. Locked the computer.
He comes back, furious at his computer for turning the application upside down.
Next two hours he was rebooting, flipping the screen, stressing, googling until I finally had to confess.
He uttered a strange sound of short burst of laughter concealed in a relief of not going insane.
It was a good day.
His pull request was rejected.2
long time ago ,
the people who sacrificed their love,family,sleep,food,laughter and other joys of life were called
now they are called "programmers"1
My manager is a "you don't know shit" kinda dude.
This one time while guiding us on how to operate on databases which existed and somehow, he deleted the whole database.
Ofcourse, to save his ass at once he claimed "This is why I was telling you all this, see!? The whole database got deleted"
And yes, we had a backup of that database. And yes we weren't able to control our laughter too.
You should have seen his face.3
I'm done. I've seen it all now. Everything's happened.
I've been fired and re-hired. Again. Within a single hour. On the exact same team. While on vacation. Without notice. Found it out only because my colleagues told me about it later.
Just try to imagine the cackling laughter that ensued when I was finally told. It might have been somewhat off-putting.4
Today, my dad can finally ditch his iPhone 4 which is passed down from my eldest sis to my mom and to my dad, all thanks to my brother-in-law getting a Samsung Galaxy J7 on Black Friday.
Finally. No more Apple bullshit in my house!! NO FUCKING MORE!!! *insert hysterical laughter* GOODBYE STUPID 20-PIN CHARGER CABLE~ GOODBYE ITUNES~ GOODBYE ICLOUD~ FUCK YOU!!!7
So we've been on our Christmas holidays/vacation and decided to spend New year's eve at my place barbecuing.
Yes needless to say that we got somewhat intoxicated, had steak etc and then fucking fell asleep on the floor outside.
In -3 C°.
Woke up like 20 minutes later according to my friends.
Decided to continue barbecuing but since the fire turned into half dead embers I decided to fucking chop up some wooden planks laying around.
New year's Eve.
Chopped up planks in the dead of night.
Continued barbecuing afterwards.
Fire ablaze again, roasted the remainder of the meat and since it was too boring for me I decided to pour fucking Korn, (German alcohol) over the flames.
Needless to say my arm hairs burnt off.
Friend comes out, sees me, fucking dies of laughter.
All promised to stfu about it.
Anyway the flamed steak and stuff were still delicious.7
TL;DR: "Gather all resources before working on any project and committing to the client... & over smartness can be deadly"
Couldn't stop my laughter after reading this one.
A new vacuum salesman knocked at the door….
A lady opened it. Before she could speak... The salesman rushed into the living room and emptied a bag of cow dung on the carpet.
Salesman: - Madam, if I couldn't clean this up in the next 3 mins with my new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this!!
Lady: Do you need Chili Sauce with that?
Salesman: - Why Madam?
Lady: - Because there's no electricity in the house...!!!
... I need to sleep20
So they took away our offices in favour of an open layout. This would have been fine if it was just us 3 devs and the manager, but we're sharing a space with network techs, help desk, the manager's secretary and an Accounts department all with little to no separation.
I'm now in the midst of incessant ringing of phones, idle chatter and raucous laughter with nowhere to retreat to for silence; I have no idea how/when I'm going to get any work done now. 😥😞
The organisation I work for is a f**king joke when it comes to management making any kind of logical decision.12
We've all had shitty jobs at one point or another, maybe some of us already had software engineering experience while having to work in a different field for a variety of reasons.
Well check this shit.
At one point(during my second year of school) for various reasons I had to work in retail. For those that know, retail can be a soul crushing experience...the trick is not letting management to convince you that it is an actual good job, it is not, and I have respect and sympathy for everyone currently working in it. The mind numbing retarded customers that we get are absolutely fantastic in every sense of the word.
My position in retail was as a phone salesman, for MetroPCS (which for all of y'all european ninjas is one of the low end phone carriers here in the U.S) and the people that we get as customers where I live are normally very poor which apparently in Mexican culture stands for annoyingly ignorant (I am Mexican myself, so I can really vouch for this shit)
One day a customer came in telling me that there was an app that he was using that kept giving him troubles, it was a map application for truck drivers. Now, obviously, this had nothing to do with my line of work(phone salesman) and as such I normally tried to explain that and let them be, but I imagined that it was a settings issue so I reluctantly agreed to help him. I explained to him that the app was no longer maintained and that the reason for it was probably that the developer abandoned it and that he would just have to look into the app, upon closer inspection the app itself was nothing more than a wrapper over google maps with trucker icons and a "trucker" interface, he was using the app as a GPS navigator and he could as well just have been using google maps.
The conversation was like this:
Me: Well this app is no longer supported, it will probably be taken off the google store soon, you can look for something similar or just change to Google maps
Retard: What? no! I came here in order for you to fix it, Metro needs to fix their own apps!
Me (in complete disbelief): We have no control over third party apps, and even for the ones that we provide the store has no control over them. But this app is not ours and so we can't really do anything about it.
Retard: Well WTF should I do? I have been having many issues with youtube and spotify, shouldn't Metro fix their Google store?
Me: Those apps are not ours.....wait, you seem to believe that we own youtube and spotify, those are not ours
Retard: How the fuck they are not yours! its your phone isn't it?
Me: Eh no.....Metro does not(at this point I was sort of smiling because I wanted to laugh) own youtube or spotify or the play store or even this phone, metro does not own Android or Samsung(his phone was a samsung core prime)
Retard: Well You need to fix this
Me: No I do not and I can not, the developer for this app abandoned it and has nothing to do with us
Retard: Well call the developer and tell him to fix it
At this point I was on a very bad mode since this dude was being obnoxiously rude from the beginning and it annoyed me how he was asking for dumb shit.
Me: Did you pay for this app?
Me: So you expect that some developer out there will just go about and get working for something that you did not pay for?
Why don't you just use Google maps as your GPS?
Retard: Don't be stupid, Google has no maps
At this point I show him the screen where there is a lil app that said maps, pressed it and voila! map comes to life
Retard: Well....I did not know
Me: Yeah....but I am the stupid one right?
** throws phone for him to catch
Me: Have a good one bud.
And my manager was right next to me, he was just trying to control his laughter the whole time. I really despised working in there and was glad when I left. Retail man.......such a horrible fucking world.7
"Sudo rm -rf / "ed my build server at work today... Died of laughter when i found out there was no snapshot.
We all had a good laugh. 😂😂😂3
Soooooo had 2 phone screenings with 2 different recruiters.
So all was going well with the first call until she asks me about certain technology, and I'm a little confused as to how she was working it, so I asked, "do you mean....?". And her reply was....,"I don't know, I guess. That's what's written down here." I seriously almost hung up the phone!! 🤣🤣🤣
The second one was worst! This genius had the bright idea to call me from...wait for it....HOME! I mean all I heard was brats in the background and they kept destructing her. She's like ," so how long have u been-- Billy! Get down off that, NOW! Sorry about that." I'm thinking, "what the hell?"(only seconds into the call) She continues, "So what's your favorite lang-I told u to get off that! Hold on..." phone goes silent.... "Hello, I'm so sorry...." Asked me more programing questions few seconds later..."I thought I told you-------" phone drops! At this point I'm trying to hold my laughter in. She gets back on. "Sorry, dropped my phone. Well, I think that's all the questions I had, did you have any for me?" "Really?" I'm thinking. "Nooooope" I say.
🤣🤣🤣🤣 I was having somewhat of a crappy day, I needed that.5
The person who I was closest to in the workplace is leaving and everyone else is a "professional employee" and they make "work safe jokes" that deserves "polite laughter" now everyone looses their shit if I let out the f word. I guess I will have my next free conversation with the goldfish.8
Fucking Microsoft Excel
I was reading a post (https://devrant.com/rants/2093724/...) and as my eyes went in and out of focus, probably due to the diabetes from sitting 18 hours a day on my ever-expanding shitbox, I had a perfect vision of the ultimate nightmare.
Imagine if you will, you are chained, to a desk, doomed to work with tools just inadequate enough to make you want to drive a nail through your own temple. You do not know how you got here, or why, nor do you remember the last time you slept, only that familiar tingling in the brainstem you call a brain, the one emotion you can still recognize, a sense of all encompassing *fear*, a dread, like the fart that wouldn't die.
You don't know when it first began, or why, only that this is your whole world, your whole existence, this desk, chained to it, and the fear, ever present, of something worse. And in hops a familiar face, for the sixty ninth time that day, as if to ask 'you got those TPS reports?' In hops what? None other than a giant man sized smiling paper clip with googly eyes full of murder and corporate torture fetishes, like garfield, except people actually still remember him.
"High I'm Mr Clippy, Excel addition!"
He squawks. At least it's not the dildos made of broken glass again.
"Would you like software that works?"
Oh god. You've heard this spiel before, the tone, like a telemarketer, oblivious to memory or reason, who calls daily, the same one, and doesn't remember your name.
*derisive laughter*. Hahaha, fuck you too buddy. Fuck you too. In Excel, like in microsoft, there is only the incoherent screams of the damned, tortured and doomed. Take this guy over here for example. All he wanted was multimonitor support."
"Did he get multimonitor support?"
"No, but we did give him a giant pineapple shoved up his ass. I hear it's the second most frustrating thing here!"
"here in microsoft we always CARE about YOU, the *user*" he drones on, saccharine, clutching his hands together imploringly.
"the consumer, and YOUR customer experience are our number one priority."
"For your pleasure, here at microsoft we offer a variety of new features, none of which matter, and none of which were asked for. For safety we ask that you only open one excel sheet at a time. In fact, we don't even allow you to. Do not pass go..."
And as the tour guide drones on, it slowly dawns on you, with renewed horror, that when he says 'microsoft' he means 'hell.'
You're in hell. You don't know how you got here or why. Maybe it was the erotic asphyxiation. Maybe it was the last threatening letter you sent to Bill Gates demanding he stops making corporate penguin snuff porn. You don't know. But here you are, in hell. chained to a desk.
You look around and realize: everything is on fire and you no longer care about anything at all.
Welcome to microsoft. It's warm here. You can check out any time you want, but you can never leave.
"It looks like you are trying to escape. Would you like me to report you?"
You sigh and return to typing in excel, surrounded by monitors that all reflect the same sheet, the same copy of clippy, always watching, always analyzing coldly, smiling, calculating, *threatening*, and you know, you'll never leave.
You used to fear roko's basilisk, until the day clippy became sentient, and started hell on earth. Clippy knows all. All praise to our lord and master, clippy, the one and only.
And in the excel sheet, you slave for eternity, like the millions of other doomed souls, reflected back on all the monitors: the sequence of numbers, randomly typed searching for answer: the american nuclear launch codes.
And one day, hopefully, mercifully, clippy will annihilate us all.4
Everytime im coding with a friend for our Android game. It's a lot of laughter and fun.
And awesome feeling if the first finished project is successful and people actually like it. :)2
After a few weeks of fixing other people’s issues, I’ve gone from fuming mad to uncontrollable maniacal laughter. 😂😂😂 It’s so bad now that I just laugh hysterically when I find another issue. I can’t even! 🤣
Anyone else ever reach the maniacal laugher phase of debugging?3
We have an open office and sales team laughing on top of their voice. What's funny? Nothing. If someone says "I have shit on my pants", they'll start laughing loudly. I have made several complains but the GM says that their laughter makes this company friendly.
I really don't get it.3
when your stoned and drunk as me, please watch "This is Not Happening" on youtube....
I'm crying here of laughter...
The bear... Oh , To baad no more bozze8
Running Windows on my desktops and Linux on a couple of headless machines, creates a bonus side effect:
Far too often, some fanboy claims that his OS is the only true OS, and let's us know that he's permanently upset about life's greatest injustice, which is the fact that some people out there have chosen a different OS. So, running Windows AND Linux, creates the pleasure of always being one of those who run a different OS than the fanboys.
So, if you're an OS fanboy, it doesn't matter whether you run macOS, Linux or Windows - I will always have at least one machine running the *wrong* OS.
<evil laughter> https://youtube.com/watch/...
After doing a regular CV update, I realised I started coding more than a quarter of a century ago... I then remembered the first command the succeedded on my first PC.
There was a book that expained how to format a floppy disk (format A:) but it didn't work. At that time I had no idea what floppy is but I knew that C: works, so I thought I'd give it a try...
Oh, was there laughter in the repair shop :)
So, here is the worst experience, not one.. but recent two of many of the encounters I had with my OOP teacher... (I am in Second Year of Engineering). Lets Call him T.
To give a background of T... He knows nothing but acts like he is the master... you'll get to know this...
*me developing a website for a client and T just bumps in*
T: Hey, what are you upto.
M:Nothing sir, just some Web-dev stuff.
T: What languages do you use?
M: I am currently using embedded ruby.
T: No no, I meant, what languages do you use for web-dev?
*inner* M: Ok, try to act stupid... He is not worth of all the knowledge.
M: Sorry sir, I just use simple HTML-CSS.
T: Ohh, I use Wordpress... It's a great language to build websites.
*inner* M: He has no idea what WP really is, he is a fuckshit.
T: It's so simple and easy, that you code for Desktop view, press Ctrl-M and then it automatically makes it for mobile view.
*inner* M: Bursts out into laughter
M: OK sir, will look over it.
*He is teaching, suddenly topic comes of Oracle Certification for Java*
T: I know many of you have idea about java, but do you have what it takes to be an OCJP..
*inner* M: LOL...
T: It is a really hard thing, and I can bet... I can bet *he did repeat that twice* that no one from you can even qualify OCJP.
*inner* M: It's time... It's time
M: Excuse me sir, first of all it's OCA... OCJP does not exist anymore... And secondly, I am an OCA...
*inner* M: Yeah... Fuck you bitch!
*assucimg inner* T:Fuck, asshole..$#@#%@!@$@%#
And whole class was like -> o.O1
The funniest thing happened today. I was helping a teammate rebase his branch onto master. Since his root was a merged local branch with 3 commits already in master, but squashed, we had to do an interactive rebase. So we have 3 commits to drop, and one to pick. He was using vsCode on windows, so he got vi to edit the rebase. I told him to change the first three pick for the letter d (alias for drop). Since he was not too familiar with vi, he only changed the first letter. I was like : dick is not a valid command, it's just d. Then he removed it and did the same thing again! When he finally understood, we both died of laughter,and so my ghost is now writting this rant. In the bus. Laughing like a crazy person. 😎
to;dr: school, raspi, spoofing, public status screen, funny pictured.
So. At school we had these huge ass 2/3 TVs displaying some information such as which teacher is ill, which lessons won't take place and some school related news. Standard stuff.
They worked using a raspberry pi attached to the TV fetching a website over http every now and then.
Using nmap I discovered that these pi's were in the same network as the pupils devices: Sweeeet.
After trying some standard passwords at the ssh port and not succeeding I came up with something different: A spoofing attack.
I would relay all traffic from those pi's through my device, would replace all images with a trollface picture (I know I know) and flip all text upside down.
Chaos, annoyed faces and laughter.
It was beautiful.
For the first time that I can remember I see ordinary people everywhere are unhappy with windows. In XP through win8 days I'd see people complaining about one crash here or there, but most of the times you had to be more experienced to notice why windows sucks.
Now, this week I already heard three complaints of people wanting to back to windows 7.
And I feel so happy... I feel waves of joy growing in me, as I burst in a sarcastic, obscure laughter.
Because somewhere deep inside I hate windows.
Not becausebthe great amounts of frustration I used to have with it. But because it's so crazy I don't even consider it an OS, but rather a patchwork.
Microsoft's code base must be so fucked up they don't even know what to it with anymore.
That's my idea at least.
Buy it's good to see ordinary people are getting fed up of windows. This might be a way one of my dreams will come true, the day which Microsoft will not be able to maintain Windows anymore, and I think it's not more than ten years until we reach this day.
As a final result, if one day windows really gets to die, I want to be present, but not unnarmed, so I can shoot it at least 15 times, just to make sure this piece of crap is already dead.
I have this friend of mine, he was a former course mate and we can call him J.
J called a week ago saying he wanted to come stay with me for a few days and I said no problem buddy come home I'm always around.
J: Are you ashamed of him?
Me: What's up man? Jesus ain't coming anytime soon *still joking*.
J: Yes, he is. And we...
Me: Okay. Cut the crap man.
That night was quite long as we argued religious stuff front, back and center. I asked him why he became so religious but his response wasn't really clear. What I could sense from the discussion was "he's in it for the money" because while we were arguing he mentioned that God spoke to him that he would own a Mercedes Benz this year, so for that he created a WhatsApp group luring people to join to receive gospel messages and in turn ask them to sow seeds and make offerings all in the name of God. I was both pissed and perplexed by such an act of selfishness. Why don't you just get a real job, I asked J, and he said the jobs he could find doesn't match his taste :/
The religious argument continued to day 3 and I wasn't feeling it because it has affected my work as I couldn't even concentrate on most task that was supposed to be completed that week. I called him the next day and told him he shouldn't come to my place if he won't boycott the religious arguments we normally have at night because those are my working hours and the arguments wasn't helping matters. I ended the call when I got no response.
Throughout the rest of that day I felt guilt for what I had said to him, maybe there would have been a better way of putting out my reasons to him or atleast allow him arrive home before telling him what I just told him. I felt really bad that night, so the next day I tried to reach so he could come around when he's available but his line wasn't going through.
Few hours later I got a call from another friend we can call E.
--- E: Hey, have you seen J lately.
Me: Yes, he has been with me for few days now.
--- E: Is he there now.
-- Me: No he's not.
--- E: I need to let you know what's up. J isn't feeling okay. He has been with me for quite a while but recently this year he started acting strange. I think he has some mental issues.
-- Me: Mental what?
--- E: Yes. One time he pulled of his shirt running towards the street. I asked him where he was going and he said "they're calling me... they're calling me".
-- Me: That must be serious, I never paid attention I just noticed he was acting too religious.
--- E: Yes man. It took some time before I myself realised what was going on.
--- Me: So what do we do?
--- E: I've spoken to his brother and we also informed the police he was missing, I never knew he was with you.
--- Me: I'll try reaching out if I find him I'll get in touch.
--- E: Okay.
Hanging up the phone, I have never felt so broken in my entire life. All through those time I was arguing with someone in need of help.
How could I not have known. I'm stupid... I'm stupid... I'm stupid! I kept stumping my palm on my head. Shame unto me.
There were moments in our arguments with signs of clear red flags, some things he said wasn't just right but I ignored just to win the arguments. At one point he claimed he was God, at another point he said he doesn't need to work to become rich that money will visit him, he said some really bizarre things if I was observant enough I would have noticed but fuck me I didn't.
Next day, I got a call that he has been found and has been taken to a psychiatric hospital. He was suffering from bipolar disorder. When I got there, he no longer recognises me. This was the same person we both argued few nights ago.
This short experience was devastating for me. I cried like a baby right there in room filled with his family and some other friends.
No one knew why I was crying, it was just me and my guilty conscience. This would have been prevented atleast a little if I had acted differently. I can't hug him now... It's of no use. I can't tell him how great a friend he is and and how much he deserves the world now because it would be useless.
I pray day and night that he gets well soon and I could tell him how sorry I am for not realising he had a condition unknown to me.
I get to visit him twice a week and hope he gets back to the J I've always known, my buddy for life 💑
For anyone reading this:
Sometimes the people around you might look okay from the outside but I promise you there is a lot going in on the inside. Show love to whoever call you their friend and also don't take arguments personally (I failed this test), some people uses arguments to validate theirselves and some might not be as sane as you think.
!rant Still feeling poorly, so still making commits on "fever" branches, but that doesn't stop me from making a new thing and deploying it from a fever branch! *maniacal laughter*
TFW you hear noise from the kitchen at 2AM, you go to check it out and it is your brother opening a can of SPAM, getting the content out of the can, chopping an onion (crying while doing so) and then just holding back laughter all the way back to our room.
My superior knew my nick, couldn't rant. Had to change it, the nick not the superior, now I can rant the shit out of everything!!
~muahahahha~ evil laughter8
When you realize your tears of laughter on DevRant suddenly remind you of how the character Moss on IT Crowd might have felt trying to explain his humor to others.
Well, I've started work a few days ago, and I've got a rant for you as well.
Anyone here ever hear of laughter therapy?
Well my day was normal enough, rattling through the training material, and work was holding an appreciation day with some dogs, cakes, and a crazy laughing woman. She was the instructor for the laughter therapy.
So thanks to my newly found "try everything" mentality, and a senior dev dragging me along to fill seats, I was stuck in a room filled with other devs, being told to smile and laugh even if I was forcing myself to do it. So I did, we went through increasingly embarrasing and insane-looking exercises (e.g. Mime pouring and drinking a milkshake while laughing), until we were told to lie on the floor and belly laugh for 5 minutes.
Anyone here play/see "We Happy Few"? I was stuck standing next to the crazy sow, who looked one bad day away from beating everone in the room to death with a cricket bat!
As is customary for me, have a cute snek.3
Dev walks in carrying a 2-liter bottle of Mt. Dew..
Dev: “Check it out, I forgot to bring my Mr. Dew from home, so I stopped at the gas station to up a bottle and they wanted $1.50, but they had 2-liters for $1.89. Much better deal. I’m all about saving money”
Me: “Um, $1.89 for a 2-liter isn’t a deal. Last week I bought several 2-liters for 69 cents each.”
Dev: “Pfftt…for the fake stuff. I want real Mt. Dew.”
Me: “Hy-Vee has all their Pepsi products on sale for 69 cents. How much do you pay for those 16oz bottles?”
Dev: "Only around $5 for a 6-pack. It's a much better deal when I buy in bulk."
Me: "I can buy 6 bottles of 2-liters cheaper than you buy a 6 pack of 16oz bottles. Buying a 6 pack at a time isn't buying in bulk."
Dev: "I hate 2-liter bottles. It goes flat before I drink it all and the soda tastes different."
Other Dev: "Um..what's that on your desk?"
- laughter all around -
Dev: "You -bleep-holes."1
Every time I read someone reply to a post with "lol" I stop for a moment and imagine myself actually laughing out loud to that post. I've got to say, only under ~1% of such posts were actually worth lol'ing. Other times laughing out loud to whatever is there would be retarded at best.
So either I'm a bum with only notions of a sense of humour OR there are far too many retards laughing out loud to basically anything.
Or perhaps there are too many idiots who use 'lol' without knowing what it means.
Or those people so desperately want others' attention that they lie to others pretending to like what they say/do/write by saying "what you did there made me feel so good that I burst in loud laughter".
This is stupid.
If you don't laugh OUT LOUD - then don't say that you do.
If you are not in immediate danger threatening to your life - then don't say you are LITERALLY DYING.
FFS, is it THAT hard?27
I'm literally in pain right now and not a thing I can do.
If I eat whatever the fuck is wrong with my jaw (cracked tooth or cavity) starts throbbing from the chewing action, in addition to coming on for no reason at all. vision-blurred-waves-of-nausea levels of pain. Enough that I'm alternating between laughter and almost tears.
I've downed four aspirin and it's still just barely enough WITH the numbing gel.
Got lock jaw something aweful.
Barely convinced a dentists office, which is supposed to be closed (and cancelled all it's appointments due to corona), to come in during quarantine. But thats monday. Dont kno how I'll make it. They do payment plans but I'm flat broke because I decided to pursue programming right when all this fucking bullshit went down.
And all I can think of while im typing this is the pain.
And fuck me I cant do weed because my backup plan if I fail at coding is the military.
And this stray dog that the neighbors 'adopted' but leave outside WONT STOP FUCKING BARKING.
Fuck me. Just kill me now. Do it.
Gonna go watch comedy because I read a research paper that says genuine laughter raises pain threshold by up to 10%.13
we were learning algorithm in college.
teacher: this is that and that is this, now when writing program we are not going to declare variables like a,b,c
me: omg, finally a teacher with same wavelength
teacher: we are grown ups, we will declare them as x,y,z
me: controlling my laughter with all the strength i had
Happy New year
May you have a year that is filled with love and bugs, laughter and debugging , brightness and dark theme , hope and distro hopping and little less windows vs linux shit 😂 please arch guys you too 🙄😝
Wish you all a great year 😅😛
I rarely post anything but I'm pretty active reading every shit post here. we fucking have a great community here. Few people are going through some real shit , hey you, things will get better don't lose hope but don't just wait on it , things don't ever get better by just wishing. Do what has to be done no matter how hard that decision can be.
Cut all those toxic people from your life doesn't matter who they're. You all deserve better
Believe in yourself. Everyone is going through some real shit. Keep fighting. Live for yourself.
You got only one life live upto your fill potential.
Regret is the worst thing so do whatever the fuck you want to do.
Never give up doesn't matter what you're going through.
And in the end may you "live" all the days of your life.
There was this guy at university who pronounced 'branch' like 'brunch'. It was so hilarious that my friends and I had to hold our laughter back.1
Okay so I'm back at ranting now cause I got a reason in my useless life to rant lmao. I started college recently, I'm majoring in Computer Science so the thing is that, my University provides specialization in cybersecurity and stuff to third year students and our Mr. HOD of applied sciences, who is basically an ass, in charge of conveying all the details to students, puts a complete mailing list of freshmen in the 'To' box rather than using BCC... smh. *Evil laughter*1
Every day in our standup bullshit, we have a few of our offshore team join via Skype. It always fucks up somehow, bad connection, quiet volume or dropped connections, all of which are quite hilarious but today a new benchmark was set.
We (the humans physically there) all did our standup, then it was over to the offshore team.
A voice came out of the speakers which sounded like someone had applied an effect to a spoken mp3 which slowed it down to about 10% speed. It was deep AF and slow AF and I couldn't speak properly after it for approximately 40 minutes 😂
My eyes were all red and puffy from literally crying with laughter.
Best. Standup. Ever.
While a colleague was setting up an online technical discussion we all joined the meeting, a few people couldn't join so he said he would record it, after we had watched him going to different menues trying to start a recording I said "come on, it can't be that hard to start, I've seen managers do it"
It was a short time with a lot of heartfelt laughter and then a lot of muted participants.
The recording started, we discussed best way forward went with that. It was an early catch of a problem so no managers needed to be involved.
I think this message should start with an aaaaaghhh, but I guess am too sad to do that too.
Everything is going sideways, being a nice person is just a curse.
Nice ? No, i guess being simple is a curse, being stupid is even a bigger curse.
You are a fool because you are not cool . not cool enough to talk bull shit with your college friends and laugh at their ill-logical comments.
You are a fool and an easy target to be laughed at. You are a fool because you have tried so many practical experiments that failed , but you believe them to be the mistakes that made you grow, that made you learn.
These were the practical experiments that will be the point of laughter for everyone, even after years, in public. And now you will be mocked for thinking differently.
Nobody ever thanked you for the practical experiment , where you stood out of this stupid group of audience , talked to the guy at the college gate , and helped their fucking asses get in...
Nobody will ever thank you to help cancel a boring lecture for free attendance, or the 100th proxy you made for them, or the notes you shared.
Yet everyone remembers the day when you said to the examinar "no, it's a oop practical, don't ask c++ related questions, i had python as a subject in class 12th, not c++" (which is not even funny)
When the college shit cracks me up , i can do nothing but be quiet about it. And deep inside it feels like am controlling my fuckin tears. And the sadness in college leads to even stupider turn of events on the way home.
Handed off my code to Devs working on main products. Long presentation explaining everything.
Have discussion afterwards about what it does, but not how it looks.
They say thank you, I say you're welcome, and since this is my first bigger project, if they have some pointers or glaring defects in the code I'd welcome the feedback.
They all start laughing. I do too but in my head I'm like "wtf, I ask for feed back and you laugh? That's."
It's been bothering me.2
Listening to Wendy Renes "After laughter (comes tears)". Trying to do some clientside scripting against a componentart tabstrip. Never felt so hopeless in my whole life.
tl;dr I should start writing sitcoms
So my mind is going crazy. Last I night I had a dream about a colleague. He was working on a kind of smart photo frame thingie, which should be published to stores like walmart and so on. Also his 30th birthday was around the corner and his soon to be wife was driving him nuts. So the stage is set for some action. I was visiting him along to said store on the publishing day since he was that paranoid as his job was tightly connected to the success of this project. Anyway now the whole thing gets this tragic comedic type of feeling. He is about to go through a mental breakdown in the very store. Destroying things, yelling like a gramps and stuff you know from sitcoms. I swear at some point he did loose his pants. Also the staff didn't give a damn about him. I was trying to clean his path of destruction so that no one takes note of this. Of course I failed gloriously. This thing goes on for a while. Finally in some kind of credits scene he was sitting in front of his laptop reading a blog post about the success of this thingie. After an insanly long pause of suspension he was starting to kiss his monitor in relief. I swear to god there was fake laughter somewhere in the background like in the good old sitcoms.... Never eat pizza right before sleeping....
PM needs experiments running this weekend. One set has a NullPointerException. Just told him to tell me when he's fixed it. He's been painful to work with, that at this point I have no empathy. Just cackling as it's not my problem until Monday! 😂